Look for relationship role models.
One evening my husband and I were out to dinner with a group of couples when one of them started arguing.
It looked as though it might escalate when the man suddenly said to the woman, “BIC,” and they both calmed down.
“BIC?” my husband asked the man later. “What the hell did that mean?”
“Bollocking in car,” the guy replied. “We can shout at each other in the car afterward, but we have a rule never to argue in public.”
We borrowed that rule from them.
No one emerges well from arguing in front of others. Though we all know people who do it, it makes the people you’re with feel unbearably awkward.
As a whole you don’t read much about couples who get along well—and their quirky rules for surviving each other—for the simple reason that it doesn’t sell. Conflict and drama sell. Which is why celebrity magazines love nothing better than to stalk celebrity marriages when they look as though they’re in trouble. Certain weeklies have stayed afloat miserably trafficking in the pending collapse of Brangelina, in Ben Affleck’s various relationships, and in Chris and Gwyneth’s conscious uncoupling.
Similarly, novels don’t focus on happy marriages because where’s the tension? Master of them all, Leo Tolstoy pointed out: “All happy families resemble one another; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
In other words, happy marriages are not sufficiently interesting to write about, whereas unhappy marriages make a good story. As an artist, he may be right, but it doesn’t help us if we’re looking for good examples to follow.
Yet in both our careers and our spiritual lives, we are specifically encouraged to seek out role models because we can learn so much by simply watching others.
A standard question at job interviews is “Who is your role model?” No one asks that on a date. Imagine if your date leaned forward and asked for your relationship role model. And yet, these mentors can be helpful. Just as financiers study their rivals’ deals and lawyers pore over previous trials to learn argument and technique, studying the behavior of couples you admire is worthwhile. And relationship role models are especially useful if you didn’t grow up with parents who liked each other or treated each other—or you—with respect.
Look for couples who support each other publicly, make each other laugh, celebrate each other’s achievements, smile obligingly as their partner tells a story they have undoubtedly heard a dozen times before. Look at the couples you admire.
So find a couple of role models. In real life, not on TV, where the scriptwriter always gets the last word, though it’s hard not to hope that Pam and Jim from The Office will make it to their golden wedding anniversary, joined by Tami and Eric from Friday Night Lights!
Look for couples who support each other publicly, make each other laugh, celebrate each other’s achievements, smile obligingly as their partner tells a story they have undoubtedly heard a dozen times before. Look at the couples you admire.
Older couples who have weathered personal storms are often the fount of hugely helpful advice and have the distance from their earlier crises to tell you the truth about how they cleared hurdles. In many cases they may say it’s a question of ignoring each other’s weaknesses and focusing on their strengths. Of paying attention to what their partner likes to do and not judging them. Those who have clocked up the years usually want other people’s relationships to work out for the long haul, too. They understand the benefits. There’s such hard-won pride in a fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Playing tennis with a good player improves your game, and hanging out with functioning couples will give you a mirror to reflect on your own behavior as part of a couple.
ACTION PLAN
Get out your journal and make a list of the people whose relationships you admire.
The first question you should ask yourself is “Did I grow up with a good relationship role model?”
If your own parents are still together and are happy, then you have a huge head start. Watch how they treat each other, how they look out for each other, how they have handled difficult situations over the years.
If there’s no way you would hold your own parents up as role models—even if they are still together—what about the parents of your friends?
Think of those whose homes you enjoyed hanging out in as you grew up. What about relatives, an aunt or cousin? Or perhaps you have siblings whose relationships you admire. Ask them for their thoughts.
Throw hypothetical situations at them and ask for their solutions. Instead of going to the movies, have dinner one evening and ask them for their top ten rules for making love last. Most people in good relationships want to share what they have learned and have a hoard of funny stories of trials they overcame.
Until recently, young marriages would be actively supported by local religious leaders, priests, imams, and rabbis with years of experience. If you want help, but don’t want to pay a shrink or therapist, try attending a house of worship and finding a local leader you respect.
Talk to that person about coping mechanisms for when times get hard. Most religious leaders are delighted to have new members join their congregation, and you don’t have to be a fervent believer to get benefit out of belonging to a community where the members follow the golden rule.
Think about couples whose connection you find compelling. What keeps them engaged, and how much flexibility do they allow each other? A friend of mine once sat next to a couple on a plane ride. Watching them settle in for the journey together made her realize how miserable she was in her own marriage. And she’s now in a far happier relationship.
Businesspeople talk feverishly about the legendary founders and entrepreneurs of big American companies who inspire them. Who inspires you in relationships?
When your aunt or uncle asks at Thanksgiving if you have found someone special yet, don’t succumb to the full-body eye roll and change the subject. Ask instead how she and he knew they were right for each other, or how they decided to get married. If you know they went through a difficult time—perhaps they overcame illness or bankruptcy—ask them how they handled the pressure. Or if they’re divorced, ask them when they knew it was time to call it quits.
My point is this: Most people—even those who annoy you—can offer wisdom on relationships based on their own experience. You don’t have to take their advice. But other people’s perspectives are useful. Especially those who have been together for many years and managed to survive without murdering each other.
Under your list of relationship role models, answer the following questions:
What is it about these couples that inspires you?
How do they treat each other?
What do you want to replicate in your relationship?
Now here is the fun part: interview them.
Tell them you are doing this as a personal assignment. They will be flattered that you chose them, so you will be off to a good start. And then ask them all the questions you want to know, starting with “What is your secret?” Some may have their own equivalent of BIC. Others may say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff!” Or “It has not always been this easy.” Listen to their stories, ask more questions, and take lots of notes. We need mentors, and often they are at our fingertips.