Rule #5

Choose the right recipes for your dating type.

The good news is that online dating has come a long way since its early days, when your choices were basically Match.com or JDate, and you felt embarrassed admitting to friends or family that you were trying them. With our growing expectation that the answers to any of life’s problems can be found in our phone, online-dating options have proliferated, as have the number of people using them. As previously stated, according to a 2015 study by the Pew Research Center, 15 percent of American adults have dated online, and participation by eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds has almost tripled since 2013. And according to the same study, people over fifty are one of the fastest-growing segments of online dating, so it’s never too late.

The sheer number of options and vastness of opportunity may make embarking on online dating overwhelming, so I have broken the process into steps with tips for each phase. This is the longest rule in this book for a reason: It is a guide to help you navigate all that is out there. Yes, apps are tools, but some are better suited for you, so choose well and wisely. There’s no shame in this game!

STEP 1: CHOOSE AN APP THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU

Deciding what dating app or website to use can be daunting. You don’t have to stick to one, either; it’s okay to mix it up, though you don’t want your profile out there on every single site. What makes sense is to choose a lead one that most clearly answers your current needs. At Cosmo, readers love to take quizzes. I thought one here might make the process of choosing an appropriate app a little less hit-and-miss and a lot more fun.

And whenever I think of conversations about dating, I think of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda lingering over brunch and dissecting their love lives. I loved their frank attitudes about sex and varying levels of interest in intimacy and dating, totally independent of their age. And millennials do, too; Sex and the City is on perennial repeat on E! as it clearly still resonates.

So I am borrowing their attitudes for this conversation here.

Samantha’s unending appetite for fun, Carrie’s musings on the universality of desire, Charlotte’s faith in postdivorce love, and Miranda’s clear-eyed return to dating after having a baby . . .

See which woman’s attitude best aligns with yours in order to discover which dating app is likely to work best for you. But do try several before locking into one. You never know what might—ahem—click for you.

Quiz

  1. What’s your attitude toward dating?
  • “I’m a trisexual, I’ll try anything once.”
  • “Being single . . . means you’re pretty sexy and taking your time.”
  • “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted, where is he?!”
  • “It’s all about timing, you gotta get ’em when their light’s on.”
  1. Tell us about the pool of dating prospects you’re willing to dive into.
  • This swimsuit has easy-to-undo ties for a reason.
  • There are so many fascinating people in my city, and I know most of them. Why not make use of that?
  • He has to be well-bred, handsome—a doctor would be wonderful, especially a surgeon—tall, smart, no mommy issues, doting. It would be nice if he liked sex . . .
  • I have no tolerance for fools or people who will waste my time.
  1. Are you willing to pay for a dating app?
  • Why pay when you can play for free?
  • I spend money on shoes, not dating. And hello, I’m a freelance writer. The few dollars I do have are going to Net-a-Porter, not to net a man.
  • Of course. I want to find the best, and I’ll pay more to find my perfect match.
  • Yep. I’m happy to pay for any good service. I basically need an electronic version of my housekeeper/nanny Magda for my dating life.
  1. What are your deal breakers?
  • Honey, deal breakers are for the uncreative. I’m a stud maker . . .
  • I wonder . . . in today’s connected world, why would anybody think sending a dick pic is a good idea?
  • My heart is open, and I want someone who is as ready to find his soul mate as I am. No players, please! (Also, I’d really prefer a guy who puts his boxers in the laundry basket—not on the floor where he took them off.)
  • Unambitious or uninteresting men need not apply.

Mostly A’s: Samantha Jones

You’ve got a carefree attitude about sex, love, and dating, like the ever-sassy Samantha. Apps with a wide range of choices that have no fee will give you your most fabulous online-dating experience. It’s not that you’re not open to a new relationship; you’re just down to clown along the way.

TRY: Tinder, Happn, POF

Mostly B’s: Carrie Bradshaw

You’re a romantic at heart, but you’re certainly not opposed to taking a “lovahhh” or two along the way. You trust your own instincts when it comes to shopping for anything, be it men or Manolos. Apps that put you in the driver’s seat and tap into your social network are going to be big when looking for a mister.

TRY: Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge

Mostly C’s: Charlotte York

Your Pinterest boards for wedding dresses and East End mansions are renowned. You know what you want; you’re not going to settle for less, and if finding the best costs money, so be it. Apps or sites that offer serious suitors with similar interests will help you find the baldy of your dreams.

TRY: eHarmony, The League, Twindog (if you need someone who loves your dog the way Charlotte loves her King Charles spaniel, Elizabeth Taylor)

Mostly D’s: Miranda Hobbes

You’ve worked hard, and you know the world. You’re determined that this time, you’ll use your resources to make dating a more logical and smooth experience. Who has time to swipe for all eternity? You want results, and you want them fast, and you want algorithms to back them up. Apps and sites that weed out the slackers and the stupids will push you in the right direction.

TRY: OkCupid A-list, Match.com, EliteSingles

If wisdom inspired by Sex and the City doesn’t turn you on, heed these words of wisdom from online-dating expert and digital matchmaker Julie Spira:

  1. Be honest about what you’re looking for. If you know you want to get married NOW and have children, don’t waste your time on an app that’s known for more casual relationships.
  2. Don’t become victim to what I call “Online Dating Fatigue.” I recommend using two to three apps at a time, plus a desktop version of a dating site. Any more than that and you’ll be overwhelmed and frustrated. Plus, you don’t want to go on a date and ask the guy about Tinder, when you met on Hinge!
  3. Wait at least three weeks before upgrading to premium pay options. On most apps, the newer you are on a site, the higher and more frequently your profile will appear. After that newbie glow wears off, boost your search with premiums. For example, Tinder Plus lets you undo mistake swipes, change your matching location (handy if you’re planning a trip), and see who has liked you in the past. Bumble Boost has similar features and also extends the amount of time you have to engage a match.

STEP 2: MAKE YOUR PROFILE

Now that you’ve chosen the app, it’s time to get into the game. The most important weapon in your arsenal is your profile. Think of it this way: your profile is to dating as your résumé is to your job search. It is your chance to market yourself and put your best foot forward. It is the one space in the dating process where you can completely control the messaging. And while it might not be easy—most women I know still have a hard time bragging about themselves—try to have a bit of fun with it.

Think of it this way: your profile is to dating as your résumé is to your job search.

When one wants to launch any new creative endeavor, the first step is always due diligence. And there’s no reason dating should be any different.

Get on whatever site or app you’ve chosen and see how other women are portraying themselves and putting themselves out there. Look at their profiles from the perspective of someone who is looking to date you, as well as them. What catches your eye about their profiles?

Keep an eye out for the mix of photos, how detailed the bios are, the tone and overall vibe, and what feels most—and this is important—you. Ask yourself whom you see a kinship with. Whom would you set up with a friend? Screenshot the ones you find most and least appealing. Take a look at the ones you like and the ones you don’t and see what they have in common with each other. Do you like the funny ones? Are you turned off by people who seem as though they’re trying too hard? Use the ones you like as inspiration not for what to say but for the tonal mix of your profile.

Do you like 25 percent funny, 10 percent cocky, 65 percent earnest? Or are you more of a 50 percent sarcastic, 50 percent brass tacks kind of girl?

Determining the answer to questions like these is where your dating board of directors comes in handy. At a certain point in their careers, many successful women I know rely more heavily on their personal “board of directors”—a group of people they trust who have varying expertise and insights—for advice than on any one mentor. My friend Carolyn Everson, who runs global marketing at Facebook, first introduced me to the idea, and I think it’s powerful. I see no reason not to adapt the concept to your dating life. Think about the people who know you best and genuinely have your best interests at heart. These are people who care about your happiness and whom you can use as a sounding board or an occasional comforting shoulder. Do not, however, turn them into a chorus in a Greek tragedy of indecision. You’re not screenshotting every person in your contacts to see if you should swipe right or left.

Creating your profile is an ideal time to call on your board of directors. Email them and say, “Quick: give me the one line you would use to tell someone what you love about me.” Use what they say to get you started and set the vibe. If everybody writes back and says, “You’re the friend who is always there for me,” then you might want to consider writing a profile that reflects what a good friend you are rather than something more tongue in cheek. Also, keep in mind who and what you’re trying to attract. Remember what app you’re on. If you’re on an app to have fun, make your profile more fun. If you’re on an app looking for a long-term relationship, make your profile more sincere and direct.

While you want your profile to be good, don’t obsess over it! Get something out there. Done is better than perfect here. This is a malleable product. When new companies launch, they go to market with something called an MVP: a minimum viable product. It’s the most boiled-down version of what your end product will be. It’s not perfect, but it will get things going so you can see what works.

Personally, I would want Amanda Bradford on my board of directors. The Stanford business school graduate created the dating app The League to address her own frustration with the lack of quality on most apps.

I asked her for her profile dos and don’ts:

DO: Show one to two full-body shots and clear face photos.

DON’T: Include pics of your hottest friend. Get her out of your photos. For once it’s okay to make this about you.

DO: Show off what makes you unique: Do you play squash or lacrosse? Are you the festival type looking for someone who can enjoy Coachella with you? Do you knit, build drones, deliver Meals on Wheels on the weekend? These are all great things to feature in at least one of your photos. While you may not get hearted by everyone, if you’re trying to optimize for someone who has similar interests, this is the way to do it.

DON’T: Post old pics. Keep your pictures current. We were all kids. We were all cute as kids. Then you grow up. Show that in your picture selection. It’s nice that you were that skinny when you graduated from college, but anything older than five years is false advertising.

DO: Wear white. The top-performing women of The League have at least one photo in a white dress or shirt. Weird, right? So yes, do an eye roll at the historical symbolism of white dresses as purity and innocence, but it is true that everyone does look great in white.

STEP 3: GET GOING

Think of going on dating apps as January gym behavior, which is fitting because January is also the busiest time of year for online dating, as it kicks off the postholiday cuffing season (the time of year when people look to get into relationships, as they’re more eager to be paired up between October and February when it’s cold, and relatives ask demanding questions from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day). It’s all well and good to join a gym in January, but if you don’t push yourself to go as much as possible in that first month, you won’t make it a habit and get into the swing of things. Start working that online-dating muscle pronto—and stick with it! If the gym analogy doesn’t work for you, think of this as a cocktail party where you made the effort to put on lipstick and brush your hair. Since you are already there, you might as well make use of it and talk to people.

On that note, there are different schools of thought on whether you should sit back and wait to hear from potential suitors or take control and initiate messaging with potential partners who catch your eye. It won’t surprise you here that I’m all for leaning in. When there’s a pair of Altuzarra boots I want on sale at Barneys, I’m not waiting for them to ask me to buy them. I’m snagging them before they’re gone. The same theory holds here.

Serendipity is one of the most frustrating—yet eminently watchable due to how charming the actors are—mainstays of basic cable. Two unmarried people come across someone with whom they have an immediate intellectual and chemical connection. Instead of capitalizing on that and saying, “Well, this doesn’t happen every day,” they put their romance in the hands of fate, effectively saying that if it’s meant to be, the world will bring them back together. Absurd. The world does not have your back to that degree. So when you feel a connection and see something you want, take steps toward it. Don’t sit back and put your trust in the universe.

If you do reach out first, you will need an opening line. It’s easiest to have a go-to so you don’t have to overthink it every time.

Dating apps are so pop-culturally pervasive that they’ve become a common theme in everything from TV shows to songs. When Aziz Ansari’s Netflix show Master of None—his delightful modern comedy of manners—debuted its second season, everyone was talking about his character Dev’s clever opening line on dating apps: “Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?” It caught on because it works; it’s charming and specific, and it speaks to Dev’s funny, foodie personality.

So cook up your own signature line with room for personalization that will show your potential match that you gave their profile at least a cursory read. If you can’t think of anything, one young editor I work with who’s an online-dating veteran brainstormed a bunch of fun and flirty possibilities:

“So, should we have and or or on our first date?”

“Before we get into it, I have to know if you’re one of those people who clap on a plane when it touches down on the runway.”

“Quick: what was your first concert? No shame. Unless it’s Nickelback, then shame.”

Or if all those feel off to you, go with tried, true, and simple.

“Hi there . . . how’s this all going for you?” or “Hi there . . . love your photos. Tell me about the one you almost posted but nixed.”

The point is to get a conversation going and see if there’s a click. Many of my friends say that after three or four exchanges, they switch to email or text.

Do what feels comfortable for you.

STEP 4: MEET IRL

At some point you will need to meet face-to-face. This may seem as though it should go without saying, but I’m doing so because it is so easy to fall into the trap of swiping and messaging and not actually acting on any possibilities.

Going back to the earlier gym analogy, when you buy a membership or re-up the ClassPass, you think about how many classes or sessions you’ll aim for each week. The same applies to dating.

Give yourself a goal for how many dates you’d like to have each week. It’s a numbers game, after all. The more people you meet, the more opportunities you have to find someone you actually can spend time with. Or hell, someone you would be thrilled to be with.

So just like your SoulCycle resolution, make an achievable goal for yourself rather than one that is so ambitious it becomes daunting. Twice a week seems rational to me, but do what works for your schedule. And keep in mind, according to current dating practices, these don’t need to be dinners. They can be coffees, drinks, or strolls through a bookstore. And while a first date at the local cemetery can have a certain spooky charm, I’m thinking it’s not the best idea. The what or where is not so important, it’s the actual doing that matters.

We’ve established that I think it’s essential to talk to your prospective date on the phone before meeting in person. But I realize that that might feel impossible for some people (millennials, I am talking to you!), so here’s an exercise to help you determine what’s right for you:

Make a list of the last three people you spoke to on the phone for more than thirty seconds. If it was your best friend ten times in the last twenty-four hours, your mom three times, and your work spouse for a quick check-in, then you clearly enjoy phone time and should have some with anyone you’re considering dating.

If that list is limited to the call you made to thank your aunt for the macramé pillow she sent for your birthday and the rant at your dry cleaner for destroying your leather pants, you’re probably not a phone person, so making this a hard-and-fast rule will only hold you back.

Either way, the journey from connecting online to meeting in person should not take more than a couple of weeks, or it probably wasn’t meant to be.

Horrified by the idea of the date itself?

Here’s my take on best practices for your first encounters . . .

What should I wear?

Something you feel confident, attractive, comfortable, and, most important, you in.

Do not wear the thing that fit you last year and will fit you again when you lose those eight pounds.

Do not wear the thing that you think shows your secret inner sex kitten.

And probably, do not wear shoes you can’t walk in.

What if I can’t find him in a crowded bar? How do we link? WTF am I doing?

Relax.

You have the benefit of dating in the age of cell phones. Exchange numbers before the date if it wasn’t how you were already communicating. And remember that you both know what each other looks like. As you are looking for him or her, he or she will be looking for you.

What if I run out of things to talk about? What if there are awkward silences?

It’s not weird to come ready with a couple of preplanned topics. It’s an oft-quoted adage to read the latest news. In my day, that meant the front page, editorial page, and style section of the New York Times or Washington Post. Catch up on current news in your favorite format before any potentially awkward social situation so you’re full of interesting chitchat.

If news isn’t your thing, that’s fine. But come in with something current that’s interesting to you to discuss—a movie you’ve just seen, a book you’ve just read, or a new app you’ve just tried.

What should I do to impress him?

Wrong question. If you’re thinking about impressing him, you’re not being yourself and, likely, you’re not paying attention to what you actually think of him. Or her. Or them. Whatever, the point is to be the best but not an insincere version of you. Don’t say you like to hike on the weekend if the outdoors and exercise make you cringe. You’re there to see if you like him, not to win over a new conquest. Remember to check in with yourself mentally during the date to determine how hanging out with him is making you feel.

But where should we actually go?

If it’s up to you to pick, think of where you’d want to meet someone you admire. That will force you to choose someplace classy with comfortable decibel levels.

Best rule of thumb: unless he insists otherwise, make the plan for a drink and say you have a dinner scheduled after. Bethenny Frankel once advised a friend of mine that even if you’re basically the heart-eyed emoji after an hour, don’t cancel your imaginary dinner. Leave him wanting more (also, it wouldn’t do to have him think you’re a flake).

Go on the dates! Have the fun. Don’t get too drunk (see Rule #8). And really, just be in the moment.

STEP 5: THE AFTERMATH

You’ve gone on the date. Well done.

My general point of view is that unless the guy or girl was a complete horror show, it’s polite to send a quick message the next day. Don’t worry, you’re not leading them on if you say, “Thanks so much for last night, great meeting you.” That pretty much translates to “Bye, best of luck.”

For more detailed advice on the next-day follow-up, I turn to another one of my board of directors, Cosmo dating expert and brilliant writer Logan Hill.

Dos and Don’ts for the Follow-Up:

DO: Keep it simple. A basic “had a great time, let’s grab dinner soon” is plenty and lets him know you had fun and want a repeat. A little inside joke inspired by your date is even better.

DON’T: Stress out and rewrite your text a thousand times over. It’s just one text message. You probably send hundreds of texts a day, so don’t overthink it. The only mistake you can really make is to come on too strong. Don’t cluster-bomb him with Bitmojis and GIFs right off the bat.

DO: Forget the old rules. There’s no twenty-four-hour rule or forty-eight-hour rule to following up. And if you live by such a rule, the odds are that the guy won’t know anything about it, and you’ll be playing a game by yourself. When you respond after a date depends entirely on what feels comfortable to you. There are no “four words” you can say that will make him melt—and no “three secrets” to dating. So text him that night if that’s your style. Text him in the morning if you’re a morning-after person. Or never text him at all if you want him to take the lead. It’s entirely up to you.

DON’T: Force it if you don’t feel it. As I’ve mentioned earlier, a first date is not the perfect test, and many second dates go on to be unexpected successes. But if you’re really not into a guy after the first date, there’s no obligation to make it work. You don’t owe each other anything. Move on.

DO: Embrace your own desires. I think the first, second, and last thing a dating woman should be thinking about is what she wants. This is a time of unprecedented choice—and the options can feel overwhelming. But it’s also an incredible moment of opportunity. Embracing that opportunity means imagining, out of all those many options, the type of relationship that would work for you and maybe even thrill you.

There are no “four words” you can say that will make him melt—and no “three secrets” to dating. So text him that night if that’s your style. Text him in the morning if you’re a morning-after person. Or never text him at all if you want him to take the lead. It’s entirely up to you.

DON’T: Play it too cute. If you prefer to be chased, then by all means let him wonder. Otherwise, tell him what you want—or, better yet, suggest something specific. The days when men had to make the first move and women waited by the phone are over. We don’t want to go back to that, do we? It’s scary sometimes to ask for what you want, but the odds of getting it if you do are just so much higher.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU RUN INTO THESE PEOPLE ON DATING APPS

YOUR FRIEND: Green Light. If it’s your friend, there’s no harm in swiping right—or liking the profile—and having a laugh together about how weird or awkward it is. Worst case? He doesn’t swipe right, but he still won’t know that you did.

A COWORKER: Yellow Light. As everyone knows, dating someone you work with can be a slippery slope. Before swiping, think about the consequences. If things go to hell, would showing up to work and seeing him or her every day be torture? If you decide that it’s worth it, say something like “So, this is what you do when you’re not forecasting revenue?”

AN EX: Red Light. Unless you’re trying to reopen the relationship or reexamine why you broke up, rekindling a burnt-out flame probably isn’t the best idea.

A FWB: Green Light. Well, you’re probably both on the app for the same reason . . . either looking for an additional FWB or maybe just a “with benefits” situation. So unless you’ve developed feelings for each other (which is a pretty big no-no in FWBs), then you should be good.

WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE THE WORST?

The least bad scenario is that he’s just not nice.

The worst: he actually does something aggressive or makes you feel unsafe. How do you handle it?

If he sends you a dick pic or cum video, block him immediately and don’t send anything back. If you’re not into penises flying through cyberspace and onto your screen, cut off all contact. You also don’t want any of that appearing on your screen at work. And it goes without saying, you should have your own personal account for all this. Never even dabble with online dating on your work email account! I remember a colleague handing me his phone to check out a photo he had taken for a work reference just as a match landed from Tinder. I didn’t need to see it, and he didn’t need me seeing it, either. Awkward!

If he sends you inappropriate messages or is angry about you blowing him off, don’t engage, don’t engage, don’t engage. If it gets uncomfortable or out of hand, Julie Spira suggests reporting him to the site as abusive.

The absolute worst nightmare is if things turn violent on a date. For that, I asked law enforcement veteran Steve Kardian for his tips, which he fleshes out in his book The New Super Power for Women: Trust Your Intuition, Predict Dangerous Situations, and Defend Yourself from the Unthinkable.

To start, Kardian urges women to remember that when you’re dating online, the only thing you can be sure of about the person you’re communicating with is that he has a computer. So how do you know he is who he says he is? Kardian has tips:

USE ONLY REPUTABLE SITES: “Not Craigslist,” Kardian says. “But those where they at least ask you to register through your Facebook account so there is a digital footprint.” This helps weed out scammers and catphishing, where people look for ways to get your personal information (identity theft) or bank information (fraud). On that note, Kardian says to never send anyone personal information—especially your home address—until you are sure the person is trustworthy.

TAKE IT SLOW: Ask questions that give you ways to verify his identity. Beyond his name, where does he work? What kind of car does he drive? Does he have a pet? “We have a front stage and a backstage,” Kardian says. “When you meet someone, usually that person is on the front stage.” You want to make sure his backstage is not criminal or creepy.

RUN A GOOGLE NAME SEARCH: If he comes up on five or six dating sites, that is problematic. If he does not have a digital footprint, that is also a red flag.

DO NOT SEND SEXY PICS OR ANY PERSONAL INFO: You really don’t know this person until you have spent real time with him. So don’t send any sexy photos or even partake in a sexy Snapchat until you feel you can trust him—and that takes many dates. “We are seeing a huge increase in sextortion cases,” Kardian says. “This is all based upon the growth of social media and the internet.”

MAKE A SAFETY BLUEPRINT BEFORE THE FIRST DATE: Kardian agrees that talking on the phone is a good safety step before meeting IRL, though that actual meeting is where you will get your best clues. But even before you do that, he says every woman must make what he calls a “safety blueprint.” “Think about all the things that could potentially go wrong, and come up with a response,” he says. “So what if you want to leave and he is not letting you? Then what?”

If you think through all the possible scenarios, you are prepared for the worst and can still hope for the best.

Map your safety blueprint.

BEFORE THE DATE: Tell your best friend/mom/sister whom you are going on a date with and where.

DURING THE DATE: Do a gut check. Ask yourself how you feel about this person physically. “Your gut instinct is your best friend,” says Kardian. “If you have a little sense of foreboding—the hair on the back of your neck stands up or you get a queasy feeling—trust it.”

YOU WANT TO LEAVE, BUT HE’S INSISTING YOU STAY FOR ANOTHER DRINK: Tell him that your best friend is meeting you at the bar/café/park in thirty minutes. Say that your mom had surgery and you need to check in with her. Say that you’re not feeling well or that you have your period and need to go to the restroom. And then just leave, or call the friend and tell her to come meet you.

HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE: Kardian suggests taking a photo of him and texting it to a friend. You can even joke, “If something bad happens to me, my friend knows I’m with you.” A good guy will think you are smart. A bad guy will, too, and that alone could protect you from harm.

If he says, “Let’s go back to my apartment,” and you say, “I’m not ready for that,” look for his reaction. “If you get a flash of contempt, anger, or disgust, heed that,” Kardian says. “The combination equals big red flags.”

If he won’t take no for an answer, then know the same could be true when it comes to sex. “Anyone who does not respect ‘No’ is someone who needs to control you,” he adds.

Do not put yourself in a position where you are alone with him. “If a predator wants to do something bad to you, he needs isolation and control,” Kardian says. “He has to get you alone—either in his car or back to an apartment.”

If you think it’s safe to go with him to another place in his car, take a photo of his driver’s license or license plate and text it to your friend.

YOU’RE BACK AT HIS HOUSE AND REALIZE THAT IT’S A MISTAKE: “Don’t let on that you are scared,” Kardian says. Instead, say, “You have beer breath—can you brush your teeth?” Or say, “I’m allergic to your cologne—can you shower?” Or say, “My stomach hurts. I think I’m going to throw up.” And be very convincing. These excuses will give you enough time to leave or escape in most situations. If you say, “I have an STD,” and he says, “No big deal, so do I!” then you may be dealing with a psycho. Remind him that you sent your friend his photo, and she knows who he is and that you’re with him.

“The most important thing you have to do is continue to be persistent,” Kardian says. “At that point, resort to self-defense.” A woman’s strength is in her lower quadrant, according to Kardian. “Leverage, technique, and timing can be used to great effect, even if he is much bigger than you are.”

Beware of revenge porn.

Say you do wind up sleeping with him, and it turns into another date and another. I am never going to tell you to keep the phone out of the bedroom, but keep your phone out of the bedroom until you feel really comfortable with him. Revenge porn, where he blankets your colleagues, parents, and the web with your naked photos, is seriously on the rise and hard to get taken down. You have to be really careful about who you let take naked pictures of you.

If someone is pressuring you to do it and you don’t feel comfortable, heed that instinct. And don’t see that person again. This is not something to be taken lightly.

Most work employees are told to imagine how they would feel if their emails about the company were published on the front page of the New York Times. Think how it would feel if this person posted your naked photo to his Facebook page. And then imagine trying to call Facebook or Google to get them to take it down. Good luck with that. One in twenty-five people are threatened with, or victims of, “nonconsensual image sharing” according to a 2016 study done by the Data & Society Research Institute.

In the way that lawyers always plan for worst-case scenarios, think about what would happen if any of the photos he or she has taken of you went public. Or think about how you would feel if he sent those photos to everyone at work. Would you be able to laugh it off? Or would that make you want to curl up in the fetal position under your desk? Or worse? These are unfortunately the questions you need to ask yourself before you start letting a partner film you doing anything intimate.

The same with sexting.

A study done by McAfee, a company focused on fighting cybercrime, called “Love, Relationships and Technology” found that 50 percent of all adults say they have stored intimate information about themselves on their phones or personal devices that “leaves your reputation at stake,” and another 50 percent of all adults say they used their mobile phones to exchange intimate information. I’m not saying don’t pose for Picasso, but 16 percent told McAfee they had exchanged intimate information with total strangers.

As the study authors conclude: “We assume intimate exchanges and private data are safe with loved ones. But what if the relationship goes bad? Twenty percent of people say they log into their significant others’ Facebook profiles monthly. This may seem like innocent fun, but information posted without your knowledge may cause you embarrassment and harm your reputation.”

Unfortunately, it reverberates more on a woman than a man. Justin Garcia, PhD, an evolutionary biologist and sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, ran a study about sexting and found 73 percent of people felt “discomfort with the unauthorized sharing of sexts beyond the intended people.” “So when you send a naked photo to your boyfriend or girlfriend, you might not assume they’re going to share it with their friends,” he says. When they did share without consent, it was with three or more people. “The ability to digitally share an image rapidly with lots of people is the risk,” Garcia says. “It’s not taking the picture itself—but the break of trust. And in that way, the internet and technology changes the risk profiles and the expectations involved in our erotic lives.”

CASE STUDIES

Marcelle, 53, on how internet dating made her feel “fuckable” in her fifties.

Marcelle started online dating in June 2015 at the age of fifty-one because, she says, “I hadn’t had sex with a human being in three years. Something had to give.”

A single mom of a teenage girl, Marcelle cofounded the feminist magazine Bust in 1993, and now runs BARB, a website for women over forty. The tagline is, “for ladies like us.” “It’s for girls like us in this next stage of life, where we’re dealing with cellulite that has migrated from the back of your thighs where you can’t see it to the front,” she says. “Or you sneeze and the wee comes out. Like do we have to take a second pair of underwear every time with us now?” But, she adds, “women like us” still want to have sex.

A huge fan of the vibrator, Marcelle uses hers “every day like clockwork.” But after three years without “real intercourse with a human being,” she was ready to go online, despite her concerns about online dating for older women. “I kept thinking of the Amy Schumer skit where she and Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Tina Fey ship older women off in a boat because they’re no longer fuckable,” she says. Meanwhile, Marcelle has always kept herself in great shape and felt sexy. So she decided to go for it and put up a picture of herself wearing a push-up bra and tight T-shirt, which many women her age might feel is inappropriate. “I wanted to show my body, like ‘Look! I’m hot,’” she says. “You have to put away the crisis in your head that you’re not sexy enough.”

She signed up for OkCupid, Tinder, and Bumble—and 80 percent of the messages she got were from much younger men who, she deduces, “want to be with a woman who’s sexually experienced.” If she is in the mood, and her daughter is away at a sleepover, she takes them home. “I’m not romantic about it,” she says. “I’ve always been able to separate sex and love.” But she has altered her profile as a result: “For all you men in your 20s, I love your hot bodies and you’re gorgeous but I’m your mother’s age so please don’t email me.”

She likes Bumble because she gets to initiate contact. “Once you connect, you decide if you want to see that person,” she says. “It’s quick, and most of these guys are grateful. Plus, you can filter out the creeps right away because they say something crude, which is always a turnoff in initial contact.” The guys who get past all her filters have consistently turned out to be good guys. “I’ll go on a date with them and if I don’t connect with them emotionally, I’ll still have sex with them because I love to have sex,” she says. “I know that some women just want a boyfriend, but I have a complicated life.”

She’s speaking of her teenage daughter, Ruby. Marcelle dated Ruby’s dad, who moved back to Australia around the same time she discovered that she was pregnant. “I figured I could wait until I found the right guy and then discover that we can’t get pregnant,” she says. “Or I could pop this baby out and raise her by myself.” She was thirty-six when she popped Ruby out, and now fifteen years later, with a few fleeting relationships along the way, she’s ready to, at the very least, start having sex and perhaps even find a partner.

She came close with a man she met on OkCupid. They dated for seven months, and she thought he could be the one, but it was in the wake of losing her job and her father dying, and in those intense months, things hit a standstill. “He was good for me at that moment,” she says.

Now a veteran of online dating, Marcelle has created her own rules—and fully admits that she lies about her age. “If I wrote ‘fifty-three,’ no one is swiping on me. But if I say ‘in my forties,’ I’m getting hit.” She insists that prospective dates send several photos, and she looks for specificity in profiles. “A lot of men say they like, ‘hunting and traveling and fishing,’” she says. “Or that they are ‘looking for no drama’—very formulaic. I’m looking for someone who is a little out of the box, like ‘I saw Fugazi in 1999 at the Palladium, they’re cool.’”

She doesn’t make quick assumptions about looks anymore, either. “At first, I was like, ‘You’re not hot, eh,’” she says. “But now I’m way more open.” She dated a man for a while who “had a little bit of gut and silver hair,” and she grew to find him “gorgeous.” Another guy she dated was six feet three and shaped like “a Christmas tree” but had nice lips. “I figured I could kiss him, and we could explore from there,” she says. “But I already knew I would have to be on top in bed, or else he’d smush me like a pancake.”

Another rule is she will never meet any new man at his place. “First time sex is always at my place,” she says. “I live in a doorman building. It’s very public who I walk in with, there’s a record.” She prefers that for safety reasons, but it does not stop her from having fun. “My other criteria about the online dates is if I know I’m not going to go out with them again, I’m totally open to fucking them,” she says.

But her biggest epiphany is that men her age are more “scared” than women about online dating and, for the most part, look more their age. “Women in their forties and fifties need to know that we look better than men our age!” she says. “We’ve been conditioned to put eyeliner on in the morning and brush our hair, we’re in better shape, even those of us who think we have an extra thirty pounds, and we have better attitudes.”

Anna, 23, on how she could date digitally after being assaulted—twice.

When Anna arrived in New York City after college, she didn’t know a soul. “I met my roommates through a Craigslist apartment ad and downloaded Tinder to make friends,” she says. She had also never been in a serious relationship. “I grew up in a really small rural town in Pennsylvania,” she says. “And then in college, I never met anyone I actually wanted to date.”

That changed when she met Jon*, one of the first men she matched with on Tinder. “He was really smart, and he seemed driven and motivated,” she says. “I really liked him.” They went on a few dates before she agreed to go back to his place. “I wanted to do more than kiss him,” she explains. But then, as they were fooling around in his bed, she realized she was not ready to have sex. “I said, ‘Stop. I don’t want to do this,’” she recalls. He did not stop. “I told him he was hurting me and he just held my arms down harder. Eventually he flipped me over so I couldn’t talk anymore. That was my first time having sex,” she says.

After he was “finished,” she quickly got dressed and went home. There, her roommate could sense something was wrong. “She said, ‘Are you okay?’” Anna recalls. “I said, ‘I’m fine! I just had sex.’ And she’s like, ‘You’re not okay?’ I burst into tears.”

A few days later, Jon messaged her. Anna was still confused about what had happened, so she agreed to go by his place during the day, thinking she could get some clarity. “The first thing he did was hit my ass,” she recalls, and she realized that she might have made a mistake. “I said, ‘That’s not why I’m here—I didn’t have fun last time.’” But instead of apologizing, he tried to get her back in bed. She left the apartment in a panic, blocked his number, and took a break from Tinder.

A few months later, Anna told her mom, who suggested reporting it to the police. “I couldn’t help but think, ‘Who’s going to believe me?’ So much time had passed, and besides, I was drinking and on Tinder. I blamed myself for it happening.” Instead of reporting it, she chalked it up to a terrible experience and tried to put it behind her.

When she finally went back on Tinder, roughly six months following the incident, she quickly met Javier*, who she says swept her off her feet. “He was totally charming.” But after a few weeks of dating, he started criticizing her weight. “At restaurants, I’d order something, and he’d say, ‘Careful! You’ll get fat.’” Anna had an eating disorder growing up, which he knew about, so his comments weren’t easily ignored. “He’d also say things like ‘You’re not skinny, but I still like you,’ or the reverse, ‘You need to eat more, you’re losing weight,’” she says. “It was a constant mental game.”

They had been dating for two months when he went onto her phone, without her permission, and saw that she was still on Tinder. “I was at his apartment, and he started screaming at me and then pushed me against the wall so hard that I knew there would be bruises,” she says. Terrified, she ran out of the apartment, but he followed her. “I hid beneath the stairs in his building, but he found me and followed me out of the building, though thankfully, I was able to hail a taxi.” On the way home, she called her parents and was shocked to learn that he had already contacted them. “He messaged my dad on Facebook, sharing details of our relationship and asking where I was. He alluded that he would be waiting for me the next day after work,” Anna says. So her dad drove up from Pennsylvania to make sure she was safe. He also reached out to his chief of police, whom he knew, to see what Anna could do to protect herself. By then, she had received threatening emails and was legitimately scared, but she decided against getting a restraining order because she learned that he was leaving the country on a long business trip. Thankfully, he stopped sending her messages, and she was able to move on with her life.

However, the experience rattled her. Anna didn’t think she’d ever date again. Instead, she went twice a week to a cognitive behavioral therapist to work through the trauma of both experiences. “I started to meditate,” she explains. “And that really helped me see myself not as a victim, but as a survivor.”

Six months later, she reconnected with a guy she’d always liked from college. “It was Memorial Day weekend, and we were both at a lake with friends,” she says. “But I was too scared to even fool around.” The two stayed in touch, and a few weeks later, she told him what had happened, and that experience turned into the loveliest antidote. He was finishing his MBA, and so Anna knew that it would not be a long-term relationship, but as she explains, “He reminded me what I should be looking for.”

When she was finally ready to be intimate with him, she told him, “If I say stop, I really need you to stop. I’m not teasing you.” But after they talked it through, he decided that he wanted to wait—until she really felt ready. “He was awesome and made me realize how important trust is,” she says. That experience taught her something profound about relationships. “A great guy is going to respect your boundaries,” she says. “It’s nonnegotiable.”

The summer ended. He went back to grad school, and she went back on Tinder. “My heart stopped the moment I matched with the same man who raped me,” she says. “I immediately reported him—and left a comment about what he had done.” When she matched with Javier, she reported and blocked him as well.

Anna feels way more in control now and has rules for dating on Tinder. “I always meet in a public space,” she says. “If anyone ever invites me to his place, I say no. If they push back, then I don’t go out with them.” She is also more interested in conversations than looks as a barometer for whether she will go on a second date. That tactic helped her find a great guy on Tinder who wasn’t her physical type but whom she found fascinating to talk to. “I had never had that type of chemistry with someone before,” she says. “I mean you have the initial lust at first sight with some people, and then you build the other conversation in. But with him, it was the reverse.”

That turned into a six-month relationship. “He taught me to look for the whole package—someone who makes me feel good and treats me well, and someone who I can be sexual with,” she says. That experience also helped her think about digital dating as a plus, an incredible turnaround after such a horrible start. “My experiences have molded me into the person I am today,” she says. “Dating apps have given me the opportunity to connect with people outside of my immediate circle and have experiences with people who have changed my life—more good than bad. Whether it is Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge, I will keep using them until I find the one.”