Nancy loved being a traveling nurse. Like many travelers, Nancy had put in her time at a major city hospital, got the experience she needed, and then, at age thirty-two, decided to make a career change. Travelers, she found, get more money, and a bit more respect from the medical staff, than the regulars do.
As a young nurse, Nancy was appalled by the egocentricity of the surgeons she worked with; she had been surprised, actually, that they were entirely different than she had fantasized about in school. She used to wonder why some of them did not require psychotherapy, or at least an anger management course. A wise old nursing instructor explained to her, following a public dressing-down she received from a doctor, that they act this way—rude, crude, and lewd—because of the intense pressure they face every time they cut into a human body.
“They really do feel for their patients deep down inside,” assured the instructor, “but years of making life-and-death decisions hardens them, and their only outlet is to act out in the OR.” Nancy accepted this explanation for a while, and it helped her deal with her frustration, but then she learned about traveling nurses and saw an opportunity to work at her craft knowing that she would be back on the road in a few months. She knew she could not change who the doctors were, but it appealed to her that she could change the working relationship between her and them, so she made the switch.
Then one day she met Marshall. They happened to sit next to each other on a plane as Nancy was moving to a new job in the Midwest and they struck up a conversation. As often happens when we find ourselves locked into a seat next to a stranger for a few hours, Nancy started to talk about herself to Marshall. Normally not very talkative, Nancy found herself captivated by a handsome man in a dark gray suit who seemed to take an interest in her. When she found out that he was a physician, she got nervous. Oh, jeez, not a doctor, she thought, but his calm demeanor and friendly smile eased her concerns.
“My career choice came late in life,” he admitted. “It was difficult juggling my schedule to attend classes, particularly the labs, but my boss at the time understood, probably because he was a veteran, too.”
“You were in the war?” asked Nancy, beginning to wonder whether Marshall was much older than she had surmised.
“Well, for a short while, but then I got shot down.”
“Oh, my God,” she said, gasping.
“Yes, well, that’s the nature of war—it truly is hell. I couldn’t just leave my guys there; I had to save them,” he added casually.
“My dad got a Purple Heart in Vietnam; did you get one?” Nancy interrupted excitedly.
Marshall turned toward her, smiled briefly, and then stared coldly. “Medal of Honor,” he said so seriously that Nancy feared that she might have offended him.
“Oh, that’s really impressive,” she said meekly, worrying even more that she had blown the opportunity to finally meet a decent man. “Tell me what happened,” she added quickly, hoping to repair the conversation; then, just as quickly, she remembered that her father would never talk about his combat experience. It was just too painful for him. Nancy felt that the conversation was heading into a death spiral, and she did not know how to save herself.
Marshall, leaning back, closed his eyes briefly and then proceeded to tell her about his war experiences. Nancy listened intently. The valor Marshall showed that day impressed her; she felt pride for him and, in a moment of reverie, her late father.
“After I got out, I got a job as a private pilot and made good money, but I then decided I wanted to help sick people more than ferry rich ones to and from exotic vacation spots,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I guess having the medics sew me back together,” Marshall paused, looked away and then back, “I guess I was grateful, and it was then that I decided that I should help others.”
Nancy was touched, and toward the end of the flight, when Marshall asked for her phone number, she eagerly obliged.
Marshall and Nancy dated for about four months. While her crazy schedule kept her close to home, Marshall, who lived and worked eighty miles away, made the trek whenever he could steal enough time to stay with her. He always arrived at her place with flowers, candy, a small piece of jewelry, expensive champagne, and sometimes a naughty negligee. Nancy loved all the attention. They dined at fancy restaurants, and being proud of her ability to support herself as a traveling nurse, she often offered to pay.
Their conversations were different from any she had ever had with a man—serious, humorous, lighthearted, and deep. Marshall surprised her with what he knew about the world, about people, and about medicine.
At times, she would fantasize about their spending their lives together, but she would catch herself before being too carried away. Her girlfriends—most of them nurses, as well—repeatedly warned her about doctors, but she knew they were envious of her catch and would have fallen for Marshall if they had met him. She never told him about her dreams, for fear of scaring him off. Yet day by day, she felt her commitment to him increasing, and judging by his words, she felt he was growing more attached to her as well.
When he told her he was going to borrow some money to start his own private practice—he was tired of the long hours his hospital job required—she got excited and then very nervous. While his current job was hectic, at least he could get time off occasionally. She knew that once he started his own business it would consume him. Entrepreneurs often worked very long hours trying to build their new businesses, and she feared that their visits would diminish.
Maybe I could work in his office as his nurse, she fantasized. Maybe I could be his business partner! She had loaned him some cash once to pay a medical school bill, but she could not afford to help him with his new business. No, I would have to be the office nurse, she mused before shaking herself from her reverie.
With her four-month assignment ending soon, Nancy hit on the right idea. She decided to apply for an OR position at Marshall’s hospital. He would be leaving anyway, so there would not be any conflict or potential for embarrassment, but at least she would be in the same city. Moreover, maybe, after a few months, they could move in together. She decided not to mention this to him, fearful that he might misunderstand. Men get so crazy when they think you are trying to get them to commit, she reminded herself. She wanted to have the job and her own apartment ready before surprising him one evening with the good news.
Nancy took her cafeteria tray filled with a salad, soup, and tea and headed toward the group of nurses congregated at one of the tables. Her morning interviews with the medical staff at Marshall’s hospital went well, and she now wanted to meet some of her potential coworkers. As a traveling nurse, Nancy enjoyed the chance to meet new people, work in new environments, and then move on before the insanity got to her. “Hi,” she said, approaching the group. “Is this seat taken?”
“It’s yours,” responded Rhonda, the most senior person at the table, and the one with the most outgoing personality.
“Thanks,” said Nancy, sitting down. “I’m Nancy R. I’ll be starting in—”
“We know,” interrupted Sally. “We get the scoop from HR on all the new travelers,” she said, pointing to one of the women at the end of the table, who nodded. “Welcome.”
As Sally made the introductions of those at the table, Nancy carefully noted their names, having learned early on that remembering coworkers’ names was a critical first step to success at any location. Some staff nurses resented a traveler. Nancy was not sure why, but she always made it a policy to start on the best terms with everyone she met at her new assignments.
“Have you met the crazies yet?” asked Susie.
“Well, I was interviewed by Dr. S, who seemed real decent, and then Dr. H.”
“Oh, those are the normals,” interrupted Susie. “Wait until you meet the others!” Everyone at the table rolled their eyes.
“Does Dr. M work on the second shift?” she asked, her curiosity about Marshall getting the better of her.
“Haven’t heard about that one,” said Rhonda, puzzling. “Are you sure he works here?”
“Oh, well, I heard his name mentioned earlier today, and I was just wondering,” said Nancy, hoping she had not said too much.
“We did have an M, Marshall M, on the third shift. He was a transporter, but he doesn’t work here anymore,” chimed in Sandra, the union rep for the nurses. A few of the women at the table visibly stirred at the mention of Marshall, but Sandra continued. “Got into a bit of trouble with one of the residents. Don’t know any doctor by that name, though. You, Sally?”
“No, not since I’ve been here, which is going on twelve years,” said a quiet, older nurse at the end of the table.
“Well, Marshall was a looker all right, did an okay job, but always fantasized about being a doctor someday. I think he moved to County General, not sure,” added Rhonda.
“Oh, I must be mistaken,” said Nancy, beginning to get nervous. She hurriedly finished her lunch and got up to make her exit. “I’ve got to see about my new apartment. Sorry, I have to run.”
“So we’ll see you next week?” asked Rhonda.
“Yes, yes, I’ll be here!” chimed Nancy with a big smile.
As she got into her car, she picked up her cell phone. She decided to call Marshall to find out what was going on. His cell rang and rang. She realized that she did not have his address. As her anxiety grew, she decided to drive over to County General Hospital.
Nancy parked her car in County General’s visitors’ lot and walked to the main entrance. When her turn came, she said to the guard at the desk, “Hi. I’m here to see Dr. Marshall M. He’s a surgeon.”
The guard flipped the pages of his hospital phone directory and searched. “He’s a doctor here?” he asked, puzzling over the list on his desk.
“Yes. He just started here, I heard.”
“Oh,” said the guard without looking up. He turned to the computer screen and typed. “Hmm. Are you sure about the name, miss?”
“Yes. Maybe he—”
“Well, we have someone by that name; looks like he just started on the night shift, but he’s in maintenance.” The guard looked up, adding, “Sorry. You might want to call your doctor’s office to get the location. We have quite a few buildings here.”
“Thanks,” said Nancy, a tight smile across her face. “I’ll do that.” She headed for the parking lot and then stopped as a flush of panic swept over her. What the . . . ? she thought as she started her car and drove to her new apartment.
Discussion Questions
Psychopaths in Your Personal Life
Having a psychopath in your personal life is an emotionally draining, psychologically debilitating, and sometimes physically harmful experience. We have received numerous letters and emails from individuals who believe a psychopath has victimized them: many feel that their spouse or intimate partner is one; others believe a relative might be; and still others are confident they work for or with one. Their often detailed and pleading communications have given us a glimpse into the impact that psychopathic manipulation and abuse has had on their lives. In some cases, where the victim fears physical or financial harm, we have suggested they call the local police or civil authorities. In many cases, we referred them to qualified psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, members of the clergy, or other professionals in their area who are best suited to provide the psychological and emotional help they need.
Over the years, we noticed that, much like psychopaths who operate through a parasitic-predator model of assessment-manipulation-abandonment, the targets and victims themselves seemed unwittingly to share a parallel response pattern. In this chapter, we will attempt to outline the development of the psychopath–victim relationship in such a way as to enlighten the reader to traps and pitfalls along the path. We believe the best defense against the dark art of psychopathic manipulation is to understand fully how psychopaths operate and to take every opportunity to avoid them.
But First, a Word of Caution
In all cases, though, we suggest that you resist the temptation to label your antagonist a psychopath, especially if you lack formal training and qualifications to conduct psychological assessments. (The only exception might be when speaking with your lawyer, but we hope that you will not have to go down that road.) Clearly, it is “never wise to poke a snake”! The term psychopath has many negative connotations and once used, has a tendency to stick. Careless or inappropriate application of the label would be unfair and might (perhaps will) lead to lawsuits and other forms of retaliation (especially if your “diagnosis” is correct). Therefore, for most practical purposes, it is sufficient to be aware that a given individual appears to have many of the traits and behaviors that define psychopathy and act accordingly.
Learn All You Can About Yourself
“Know thyself” is perhaps one of the wisest bits of advice ever spoken. Self-knowledge will strengthen your immunity against psychopaths’ games; it is crucial for your psychological, emotional, and, possibly, physical survival. Psychopaths feed on what they see as naiveté and innocence.
We are all somewhat reluctant to hear about our faults and weaknesses. Some people avoid going to the doctor because they do not want to know whether their aches and pains reflect something serious. Some avoid talking to psychologists because they fear they will learn something uncomfortable about themselves. Psychopaths are well aware of these concerns and capitalize on them. In effect, a perceptive psychopath may know you better than you know yourself.
The more you know who you are, the better able you will be to defend against psychopathic influence.
Understand Your Own Utility to Psychopaths
It can be difficult to appreciate what your worth might be to a psychopath, in part because society often requires us to play down our assets. A realistic assessment, however, supported by information and feedback from friends, family, and professional colleagues, can help you clarify your strengths and value to others. The most common types of utility attractive to psychopaths are money, power, fame, and sex, but in organizational life, this list grows to include access to information, communication, influence, authority, and so forth. Psychopaths target not only the rich and famous, but also others with more subtle value.
Psychopaths use various tactics to get you to share your assets with them, preying on your generosity, trusting nature, or sense of charity. They will play on your sense of pity if that feeling gets you to help them in some way or gets you to use your influence with others who could help them fulfill their needs. It is sometimes difficult to separate those in real need, whom you should help, from those who rely on psychopathic manipulation to get you to do so. A good defense is routinely to apply some common sense to social interactions, particularly those that involve people you do not know well. We all like compliments, but there is a difference between harmless social stroking and oily flattery designed to ingratiate and manipulate. The problem is that we do not always notice the difference, particularly if we do not have a realistic picture of who we are and if we are dealing with a psychopath skilled in painting the sort of picture we would like to see of ourselves. Excessive or incongruous compliments and flattery should be a signal for you to pay critical attention to what is coming next. It is prudent to create a list of the things you think your psychopath is using you for and be sensitive to manipulation techniques aimed at securing them from you. Ask yourself, “What does this person really want of me?”
Understand Your Triggers
We all have triggers that others can use to get the better of us. Triggers are those parts of our personality and temperament that stimulate emotional and psychological reactions, often beyond our ability to control or at least manage them. Here are the most common triggers that psychopaths use when playing head-games with victims.
Hot Buttons
Hot buttons are those things that provoke an automatic, emotional reaction from you, set you off (negative hot buttons), or get you excited (positive hot buttons). For example, you may react with envy and depression when the company promotes your colleague or with sudden frustration and anger when someone cuts you off in traffic, gets credit for your work, or is critical of the way you dress. You may react with pleasure and sometimes joy when complimented on your looks, when your political candidate is ahead in the polls, or when a player on your team scores. Hobbies are often hot-button topics and tend to provoke positive reactions out of most people. Likewise, passion for one’s work can provoke intense energy and excitement, especially when someone takes an interest in what you do for a living.
When someone presses one of our hot buttons, two things happen: our attention shifts away from other, sometimes more important, things and the triggered feelings color our perceptions of the immediate social environment. This reflex-like tendency is not lost on the psychopath, who will push your buttons to stimulate positive feelings toward him or her and negative feelings against others. Another more insidious misuse of your hot buttons is to trick you into “acting out” (particularly negatively) in front of others.
It is difficult, except in the most blatant situations, to tell whether someone has purposely pushed your hot button or has inadvertently done so without any particular intent to manipulate or use you. In fact, many legitimate friendships start when someone has pushed a hot button in a genuine effort to befriend you (e.g., asking about your golf game, which is terrible). If you challenge a psychopath’s attempt to use your hot buttons against you—for example, to make you lose control in front of someone of importance—he will quickly label it a mistake. You may even receive an apology. However, if the psychopath’s goal was to embarrass or humiliate you in front of others, then the damage to your reputation, in the eyes of observers, has already occurred.
Often, the psychopath will press your buttons privately, convincing you that she understands and shares similar feelings—a ploy to build rapport. For example, you may complain that another employee has irritated or hurt you by some inconvenience, slight, or perceived insult. The psychopath need only say, “Oh, my God. She didn’t!” and you will begin to feel that the psychopath understands and possibly even shares your feelings about the offending event or person. The astute psychopath will then listen to you let it all out about things, events, and people, thereby ingratiating himself with you and providing information that can potentially be used to manipulate you later on in the relationship.
Learning all you can about your hot buttons is a first defense against having them pushed unscrupulously. Unfortunately, it is far easier to become aware of one’s hot buttons than to learn to control them. Feedback from others, including family members, close friends, or professional colleagues, is invaluable and with the assistance of a trusted friend or professional coach, you can learn to control or at least moderate your reactions. Eventually, you will improve your ability to recognize quickly a hot-button reaction as it starts, allowing you time to put on the brakes and to regain control of your reactions.
Weak Spots
Like all predators, psychopaths perceive the weaknesses in potential victims. There are many types of human weakness and the astute psychopath knows most of them. For simplicity, we will focus on three common categories.
The Psychopathic Dance
The more that you understand about how psychopaths operate, the better prepared you will be to avoid manipulation. In an earlier chapter, we reviewed the phases that make up the parasitic lifestyle adopted by many psychopaths:
We have found repeatedly, in the cases reported to us in emails, letters, and interviews with victims, that many did not know that they were dealing with a psychopath until it was too late. While the specific details of each case may differ, the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and outcomes the victims described seemed to form a pattern or process. In this section, we will review the phases that targets who ultimately become victims go through during manipulation. See S 11.2: Politics and Poker: A License to Lie.
Phase 1: Tempted by the Psychopathic Fiction
First impressions can be deceiving. Unfortunately, the first impressions you will have of a psychopath are positive. Their manifest charm, attractive appearance, verbal fluency, and adroit use of flattery and ego stroking are seductive. However, these impressions are similar to the promise contained in the jacket of a bad book. The unfortunate difference is that we seldom buy a book without first flipping through the pages or at least reading some reviews. Similarly, we would not buy a car or a TV without some careful research. On the other hand, we often accept the psychopathic façade at face value. With psychopaths, what you see is not what you get, but it may take a lot of pain before you realize this. Because not all psychopaths present themselves in the same way, they may victimize you more than once in your lifetime. It is prudent to exert at least a modicum of cautious, or even suspicious, evaluation of new social encounters, particularly those that potentially can have some long-range impact on your life. At the very least, you should reevaluate your first impressions as more information about the individual becomes available, and be prepared to make a speedy exit if things are not beginning to add up or if you are feeling uncomfortable.
Phase 2: Taken in by the Psychopathic Bond
Subtle charm and manipulation techniques may convince you that a psychopath likes who you are. During long conversations or a series of meetings, he will try to convince you that he shares many of your likes, dislikes, traits, and attitudes. This typically is covert, not stated openly; in fact, psychopathic manipulation can be so subtle that you might arrive at this conclusion just by hearing the psychopath’s life story. Of course, psychopaths create their stories carefully to take advantage of your hot buttons and weak spots. In all of the cases we have reviewed, a common theme was the victims’ desire to find someone, a life partner, who shared their values, beliefs, and life experiences. You will feel excitement at this time, believing that the psychopath genuinely likes and respects you. You also may “know” that the relationship, whether personal or professional, will grow.
The psychopath will also convince you that his integrity is without question and that honesty and trust are the basis for the relationship. At this stage, most individuals report having shared a goodly amount of personal information with the psychopath, believing that the things they had learned about the psychopath’s life were true and deeply personal. They did not suspect that this was blatant deception or that much of what they had heard was fabrication.
Psychopaths eventually guide you into believing that the two of you are unique, very special, and destined to be together. They portray themselves as the perfect friends, employees, or business partners and while the grooming will take considerable time and effort on their part, it will be subtle and persistent. At this point, you do not know that the psychopathic bond is a sham; it does not exist except in your mind.
Awareness of and sensitivity to the psychopathic bonding process is good preventive medicine. Be wary of falling for someone’s story too quickly because solid relationships take time to develop and grow: apply critical thinking and careful assessment all along the way. If you feel that this person is too good to be true, try to prove yourself wrong.
Phase 3: Collusion in the Psychopath’s Game (The Psychopathic Fiction)
Once the psychopathic bond is firmly established, you will find that your hot buttons and weak spots are an easy means to gain your compliance and to reaffirm the relationship (although you will not be aware of this at this time). This is especially true in relationships in which you find yourself doing what the psychopath asks (even if it is not in your own best interest) in order to maintain the intense bond. Healthy relationships tend to be in balance, with each person giving and taking. Psychopathic relationships are one-sided; you give and the psychopath takes (money, a place to live, sex, power, and control).
Although in many cases, friends, family, and coworkers see what is going on and may try to warn you, you will not listen. Well-meaning comments such as, “He’s no good for you,” “Get out of that relationship,” and “You can’t trust her” often go unheeded or may lead to your estrangement from family and friends. The psychopath reinforces the isolation, and sometimes, as in the case of psychopathic cult leaders, demands it. Once you are isolated, you have little defense against the manipulative psychopath.
If your boss or coworker is dominating you, or if you are on an emotional roller coaster with a partner, seek outside confirmation. If you find that the interactions are damaging, it is time to end the relationship. Often, family, friends, and coworkers can assist you or provide you emotional support as you transition out. In abusive situations, you may need to get the advice and assistance of the authorities or other trained professionals.
Phase 4: Manipulated by Self-Doubt, Guilt, and Denial
The opportunistic, deceptive, and manipulative behaviors of psychopaths can be as bewildering to the victims as they are devastating. Many victims blame themselves for whatever is happening, while others deny that there is any problem at all. In each case, doubts and concerns about the psychopaths in your life morph into doubts about yourself.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to convince those in the grips of a psychopathic bond that they are being misled, or that they do not have a complete picture of what is going on. Even when data are presented to these victims (perhaps a suspicious motel receipt or a mysterious charge on a personal credit card), they exhibit denial. Like the psychopath, you may blame others for falsifying the information, you may slough it off as a misunderstanding, or you may even conclude others should not question the degree of trust you put in your “soul mate.” When you are consumed with self-doubt, guilt, and denial, it is very difficult to help you. The best that family, friends, and coworkers can do is to help you get professional assistance, such as a referral to an employee assistance program or other counseling with a trained mental health professional.
The problem is particularly difficult when the psychopath has co-opted others and convinced them, including your family and close friends, that you are the cause of the problem! This can be devastating and may lead you to conclude that you must be, in fact, the crazy one. If you are lucky, others may still see the situation for what it really is, and you should seek out their advice. In an organizational setting, these can be coworkers with no utility to the psychopath, former victims, or the organizational police, many of whom are sensitive to the possibility of manipulation and deceit.
Phase 5: Escalating Abuse
Should victims raise questions to the psychopath about his or her behavior or decide to ask the psychopath about inconsistencies they have noticed, they risk retribution. At first, the psychopath may vehemently deny any improprieties and turn the game into an attack on the complainant. At this stage, most victims will feel ashamed that they doubted the psychopath and will come to doubt themselves even more. Should they persist in expressing doubt or concern, though, they will certainly suffer escalating abuse at the hands of the now irritated and angry psychopath. This abuse can take many forms but usually affects us in three ways: psychologically, emotionally, and physically.
Physical abuse, the most obvious, may appear as blackened eyes, bruises, cuts, and so on. Often, as in the case of abused spouses, physical aggression is unreported. Family members, friends, and astute coworkers may try to intervene, but often they can only stand by helplessly because you refuse their assistance. Any type of physical abuse is dangerous, as psychopaths—along with other abusers—tend to escalate their attacks over time: seeking help is mandatory.
It is much harder for outsiders to evaluate emotional and psychological abuse, which often leads to anxiety, distress, depression, inability to sleep, generalized fear, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Individuals abused by psychopaths feel they are not themselves or something is wrong with them; they feel lowered self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt, and psychological pain. They often wonder, “What did I do wrong?” Because your thoughts and feelings affect how you behave, you may begin to do poorly on your job, being easily distracted, agitated, reticent, or overly emotional. Criticism (“You’re too fat; nobody else will love you!”), threats (“I’m not putting up with this anymore, I’m leaving!”), or intimidation (“Don’t make me hurt you!”) are common manipulation and coercive techniques and, surprisingly, the resultant back-and-forth may strengthen rather than weaken the relationship.
If a victim of abuse, you should seek advice and counsel from those around you—friends, family members, or trusted colleagues—or, depending on the type of abuse, the authorities or human services providers dealing with these types of issues.
Phase 6: Realization and Insight
Eventually, the unexplained lies, inconsistencies, negative feelings, and feedback from friends and family reach a point when you will begin to realize that you have been a pawn in a psychopath’s game. It will take a lot of validation and a lot of time for this realization to sink in, but once it happens, you have crossed the threshold to recovery.
Once you understand what has happened, it will upset you even more, as you may feel like a patsy or a fool. Many former victims report saying to themselves, “How could I have fallen for these lies?” or “I’m such a fool.” This is a normal feeling, but it is not without its costs. People who feel like fools wish to hide their foolishness. Rather than seek out confirmation or validation of your new view of the psychopath, you may tend to avoid others. You may sometimes believe that others have not seen what is going on, and while this may be the case, it is far better to confide in trusted friends and family than to allow the perception of foolishness to fester. Talking about your experiences and writing in a journal are good ways to dissipate your humiliation. You may also want to begin documenting what transpired since you met the psychopath. Clearly, you should check your bank account, credit cards, personal documents, computer, cell phone, and other valuables. It is important that you distance yourself and take action to protect yourself from further contact and retribution, perhaps even posting your story (anonymously) on victim-support websites such as the one run by the Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy Foundation (www.Aftermath-Surviving-Psychopathy.org). [Disclaimer: Both Drs. Babiak and Hare are on the Board of Directors of this non-profit organization dedicated to providing education and support for victims of psychopathy.]
Phase 7: Work Through Your Feelings of Shame
Shame is a natural response to abuse. Because of this, many abusive situations go unreported. It is imperative that you discuss any feelings of shame with family, friends, or a trained professional. The first reason is that you do not deserve to feel shame, just as you did not deserve the abuse. It was not your fault; the psychopath is a predator and you were a target and victim. The second reason to seek help is that shame itself leaves you vulnerable to continued psychopathic manipulation. Consider some abused spouses who, despite beatings and verbal assaults, beg their abusive partners to take them back. Be aware, though, that it is just as easy for a psychopath to use your shame against you as it was to use your flaws, lacks, and fears in the first place. Do not let shame for being conned prevent you from seeking help and guidance; do not let the psychopath use it as a weapon against you.
Phase 8: Anger and Vindication
By the time victims contact us, they are typically in this stage where they feel intense anger and rage toward the person who manipulated and abused them, and they want to get even. Anger and the need for vindication are normal emotional and psychological responses. The anger often comes from the residual feelings victims have had all along but could not express because of fear and submission. It is critical to work on angry feelings with a trained mental health professional as rumination over past events can be equally problematic, sometimes exacerbating the emotional pain.
Some individuals, in fact many, want to unmask and “out” the psychopath. It is unwise at this stage to broadcast your thoughts and feelings or to make accusations about the psychopath on social media, emails, texts, or a website. Consider your current emotional and psychological state of mind. You may be in the midst of intense thoughts and feelings that preclude you from acting rationally. You may be in a weakened state and unable to deal with any retaliation from the psychopath.
However, if a crime has been committed, certainly notify the authorities.
The need for vindication seems to be satisfied, at least for many people, by confirmation that the person who victimized them was truly a psychopath; the more they learned and understood about psychopathy, the better they felt. In addition, educating friends about the behaviors to watch out for can be useful and possibly save someone else from falling into a psychopath’s web of deceit. Some victims have even written and published books about their experience with the psychopath.
Discussion Questions
What Can You Do? Next Steps to Recovery
Many readers have asked us, “What can I do?” Here is a brief, and necessarily general, list of suggestions of the best practices on how to handle the situation when you have been a victim.
Collect the Data
Assess the Damage
Assess Your Friends and Social Contacts
Write Out Your Story
Assess Your Future With and Without the Psychopath
Plan a Strategy and Take the Next Steps
Prepare for Psychopathic Retaliation
Your ultimate goal is to release yourself from any further contact (physical, emotional, or psychological) with the psychopath, which is necessary in order to repair the damage done and regrow your life without him or her.
S 12.1
Psychopathic Interviews: Computer Analyses of Psychopathic Language
“If their speech is sometimes peculiar, why are psychopaths so believable, so capable of deceiving and manipulating us? Why do we fail to pick up the inconsistencies in what they say? . . . The oddities in their speech are often too subtle for the casual observer to detect, and they put on a good show” (p. 142).1 In referring to this quotation by Hare, Le, and colleagues noted that computer-based analyses could provide some answers.2
Some two decades ago, Louth et al.3 used a computer program to measure acoustic variables in the speech of psychopaths. We found that PCL-R psychopaths placed the same emphasis (voice amplitude) on emotional and neutral words, whereas other offenders placed more emphasis on emotional than on neutral words. Around the same time, one of Hare’s students found that the narratives of psychopaths were rather odd4 (see outlines of this and other linguistic research in Hare, Without Conscience). She conducted a content analysis of neutral and emotional narratives of offenders, and found that, compared with other offenders, psychopaths made many contradictory and logically inconsistent statements. They frequently “derailed,” skipping from one topic to another, and giving contradictory and disjointed answers to simple questions, particularly those concerning emotional events.
Recently, several researchers have published a series of sophisticated computer analyses of psychopathic language. Because of space limitations, we describe only a few of these studies. Hare’s colleagues, psychologists Hancock, Woodworth, and Porter,5 used two text analysis tools to examine the crime-related narratives of offenders convicted of homicide. One tool analyzed parts of speech and semantic content, and the other tool examined emotional features. “We predicted that they would show unique linguistic patterns relating to their instrumental world view, primitive physiological (vs. higher level) needs, and profound affective deficit, when describing a major autobiographical event—a homicide for which they were responsible. The findings were generally consistent with our predictions; narratives by psychopaths included a higher level of instrumentality and more explanation themes, focused on self-preservation and bodily needs, and were more disfluent, past oriented, and had less emotional intensity relative to non-psychopathic offenders. Importantly, such stylistic differences likely are beyond conscious control and are difficult to alter intentionally in one’s speech” (p. 110). PCL-R Factor 1 scores were behind the emotional aspects of the narrative.
Le and colleagues used text analysis software to examine the linguistic features of psychopathic speech. The material for the study was a set of PCL-R interviews provided by Hare. The results were consistent with other, similar research. Compared with other offenders, psychopaths used more disfluencies (e.g., “umm,” “er”), fillers (“you know, “I mean”), and personal pronouns, made fewer references to other people (e.g., personal names, family), and were less emotionally expressive (anger- and anxiety-related words). The best predictors of PCL-R scores were a low frequency of anxiety-related words and more frequent use of personal pronouns.
Note: Most researchers have used offenders in their study of semantic and emotional speech by psychopaths. We do not know to what extent the findings will apply to more educated and successful corporate personnel, but the issue is intriguing and potentially of great use in understanding corporate psychopathy.
S 12.2
Dark Personalities in the Workplace6
Dark Triad and Career Choice
Research has found a link between entrepreneurial intentions (intention to start one’s own business), narcissism,7 and psychopathy.8 Not surprisingly, for individuals scoring high on Dark Triad personalities, the motives for starting a new business may be destructive in nature (as a way to use others for their own gain and to receive attention and admiration).9 A study on narcissism by Hill and Yousey10 found that, of the occupations sampled, politicians scored highest on narcissism. Individuals high on Machiavellianism tend to choose business-related careers and to stay away from helping professions.11 Dark Triad individuals value power, money, and social standing, and these values guide their career choices.
Dark Triad and Leadership
One way for Dark Triad personalities to gain power, money, and social standing is to seek out leadership positions. As leaders, narcissistic individuals are selfish, in the sense that instead of working for the good of the company, they work for themselves12 and seem to lack moral sensibility.13 Grijalva, Harms, Newman, Gaddis, and Fraley14 conducted a meta-analysis of narcissism and leadership. They concluded: narcissism is associated with leader emergence but not with leader effectiveness; narcissism’s association with leadership emergence may reflect the fact that they score high on extraversion. Although not confirmed by research on the other two Dark Triad personalities and leadership, we believe that similar results will apply to Machiavellianism and psychopathy. Dark personalities use abusive leadership behaviors15,16 and have negative impacts on their employees. (For an in-depth review of Dark Triad personalities in the workplace, see LeBreton et al.17)
Dark Triad and Employee Behavior/Attitudes
The workplace behaviors of all three Dark Triad personalities are counterproductive and toxic.18 Furthermore, it seems that employees with Dark Triad personalities find pleasure and enjoyment in seeing coworkers suffer.19
And Then There Were Four: Dark Tetrad
This last result is interesting in that the author of The Dark Triad has recently introduced a fourth dark personality, sadism (taking pleasure in inflicting emotional or physical pain on others), forming what he now calls the Dark Tetrad.20 It seems that all personalities in the Dark Tetrad are low on Honesty/Humility (deceitful, greedy, sly), and low on Agreeableness (competitive, with low empathy for others). Empirical studies on sadism in the workplace are not yet available; however, we believe that this fourth dark personality will also present very detrimental effects in the workplace, especially for employee well-being.
Some call them successful dark personalities, while others find that they might present an advantage in the workplace. It is important to remember that these individuals may display alluring traits, but they will inevitably cause harm to their colleagues and employees, and, eventually, to their organization.
Even More?
Although technically not dark personalities, Egoism, Moral Disengagement, Psychological Entitlement, Self-Interest, and Spitefulness have joined the pantheon of dark traits. Psychologists Moshagen, Hilbig, and Zettler21 have proposed that all dark personalities and traits have, as their core, a Dark Factor of Personality (D): “A general tendency toward ethically, morally, and/or socially questionable behavior.” Individuals with “high levels in D will generally aim to maximize their individual utility at the cost of others. Here, utility is used in the broad sense as a ‘measure of extent of goal achievement . . . so that one’s individual utility can take the form of visible gains such as a higher status or higher monetary payoffs, but also less tangible ones such as feelings of power, superiority, pleasure, or joy. Crucial for this aspect is that utility maximization is sought despite running contrary to the interest of others or even for the sake of such negative externalities.” More succinctly, “D as the basic tendency to maximize one’s own utility at the expense of others.”