Please note that index links point to page beginnings from the print edition. Locations are approximate in e-readers, and you may need to page down one or more times after clicking a link to get to the indexed material.
A
ABC: Always Be Containing, 64–72
Acknowledgment
of positive elements, and deescalation, 68
respond with weakness, 145–146
Action stage in Stages of Change model, 153–154
Actions and behavior
action orientation, communication inflation, 108
civilized communication, 57–72
meaningful interactions as vital habit, 16, 20–22
Neanderthal behavior, 57–61, 141–142
situational change and human behavior, 157–161
Adult Development, Harvard Study of, 40
Aggression, verbal, 140, 141, 147–150
Alice in Wonderland (Carroll), 93
Apologies, 68, 121–123, 127, 145–146
Appearance, identity issues to avoid, 179
Approach, GAS strategic conversations, 99–100
Argumentative people, 135–136
Assume good intentions, 120–121, 127
Asymmetrical communication, 49–50, 54
Asynchronous communication, 8–10, 74, 118, 119, 156
Audience, speaking to, 31–32
Avoidance
in conversational triage, 113–115
of sensitive topics, 167–182
of tangents and difficult people, 134
of wandering conversations, 94–95
Awkwardness and 60-second rule, 123–124
B
Background, as identity issue, 178
Bad as I Wanna Be (Rodman), 133
Behavior (See Actions and behavior)
The Big Lebowski (film), 183
Bonaparte, Napoleon, 110
Boring conversations, 183–191
conversational escalation, 186–188
conversational matching, 145
excitement, 188–191
exciting and intense, 185–186
relational transformation, 189
Boxing metaphor, 139–141
Breaks in conversation, 68, 71, 81
Bridges, Jeff, 183
Bull riding metaphor for difficult people, 129–130
Bullying, 147–150
C
Carroll, Lewis, 93
Carter, Jimmy, 175–176
Cascade of reciprocity, 127
Change the situation, 151–166
change underlying conditions, 158–159
change your communication, 159–161
forcing communication changes, 154–156
negative feedback, 161–166
situational change and human behavior, 157–161
Stages of Change model, 152–156
Zimbardo’s Stanford Prison Experiment, 157
Civilized communication, 57–72
communication conscience, 61–64, 142
containment, 64–72
credit for things you do not say, 63
delay response, 63
eliminate comebacks, put-downs and insults, 63
focus on goal for communication, 62–63, 148
instant responses, 60–61
vs. Neanderthal behavior, 57–61, 141–142
practice not talking, 62
resist the urge to prove someone wrong, 63
restraint, 59–64
Closed-door policy, pyramid prioritization, 42–43
Closed questions, 92
Closing thoughts, exit the conversation, 71
Closure, playing dumb, 77
Coelho, Paulo, 147
Cold reading technique, 17–18
Collateral damage, 2–8
Comebacks, eliminating, 63
Communication
asynchronous, 8–10, 74, 118, 119, 156
change communication behaviors, 159–161
civilized, 57–72
digital (See Digital communication)
habits vital to, 15–25
hypercommunication, 47–55
interpersonal (See Interpersonal communication)
mass communication, 5–8, 31–32, 36
meaningful, 5, 16, 20–22, 24, 36, 155–156
personal (See Personal communication)
powerful, 47–49
purpose of, 126–127
quantity vs. quality, 53
timeless qualities of, 49–50, 54–55
as vital to life, 23–25, 54–55
(See also under Conversation; specific topics)
Communication conscience, 61–64, 142
Communication inflation, 107–109
Compliments, and deescalation, 68
Connections
vs. digital connectivity, 54
space for, hypercommunication, 53
storytelling, 201–205
strong desire for, 108
(See also Interpersonal communication)
Conscience, communication, 61–64, 142
Containment, 64–72
conversational escalation as damaging, 64–67
deescalate, 67–69
DR. E, 67–72
exit the conversation, 71
redirection, 69–70, 76–77, 190
verbal aggression, 149
Contemplation stage, Stages of Change model, 153
Controlling people, 136–137
Convenience in digital communication, 5, 9–10
Convergence, 157–158
Conversational escalation
boring conversations, 186–188
as damaging, 64–67
expectations, 33
Conversational hazards, described, 123
Conversational hazards, eliminating, 117–127
apologies, 68, 121–123, 127, 145–146
assume good intentions, 120–121, 127
cascade of reciprocity, 127
communication as imperfect, 117–118
goodwill account, 125–127
shock-absorbing techniques, 118–124
Conversational matching, 33, 34, 143–146
Conversational silence, 76, 78
Conversational triage, 107–115
Avoid: problems too difficult to handle, 113–115
Delay: problems where delay makes sense, 112–113
Now: problems that require immediate attention, 111–112
Conversations, exiting (See Exiting conversations)
Conversations, strategic (See Strategic conversations)
Core beliefs (See Identity and core beliefs)
Correction, space for self-, 51–53, 79, 119
Costs
of powerful/imperfect/asymmetrical communication, 49–50
of unfriending, 43–44
Covey, Stephen, 38
Criticism
in emotional communication, 187
negative feedback as, 162–163, 164
and stress, 140
D
Dancing and happiness, 123
Deescalation, in DR. E, 67–69
Delay, in conversational triage, 112–113
Delay response, 63
DiClemente, Carlo, 152
Difficult people, 129–138
argumentative people, 135–136
bull riding metaphor, 129–130
controlling people, 136–137
excitement addicts, 190–191
quiet people, 137–138
stubborn people, 136
types of, 130–133
verbally aggressive, 147–150
Digital communication
collateral damage, 2–8
communication revolution, 1–3, 203–205
distraction, 3–4, 12, 30, 35, 198
expectations, technology vs. people, 27–36
hypercommunication, 3–4
identity issues, 171–173
interpersonal communication squeeze, 5–8
as less inhibited, 74
negative impact on relationship priorities, 38–40
speed and convenience, 5, 9–10, 155–156
Display, identity issues to avoid, 179
Distraction, 3–4, 12, 30, 35, 198
Divergence, 158
DR. E, containment, 67–72
Drama and excitement addicts, 190–191
E
E-mail (See specific communication topics)
Elimination
of comebacks, put-downs and insults, 63
Eliot, George, 8
Escalation (See Conversational escalation)
Etiquette and polite questions, 91
Evans, Ron, 203
Examples, and negative feedback, 164–165
Excitement addicts, 190–191
Excitement in conversations, 185–186, 188–191
Exit, in DR. E, 71
Exiting conversations
containment, 71
conversational matching, 145
with excitement addicts, 190
quitting difficult people, 132, 133–135
success, stalemate or surrender, 101–103
verbal aggression, 149
Expect more from others, 34–36
Expect more from ourselves, 33–34
Expectations, technology vs. people, 27–36
difficulty of contemporary communication, 29–30
expect more from others, 34–36
expect more from ourselves, 33–34
I- vs. we-based communication, 30–31
improving, 33–36
mass communication, 31–32
people-centered communication guidelines, 35–36
technological advances, 27–28
understanding the message, 32
unrealistic expectations, 28–33
F
Feedback
negative, 161–166
positive, Stages of Change model, 155
Firm response to verbal aggression, 148–150
conversational matching, 144–145
on goals for civilized communication, 62–63, 148
Ford, Gerald, 176
Fragmented communication, 3–4, 30
Frustration and difficult communication, 132
Fundamental attribution error, 121
G
GAS preparation sequence, strategic conversations, 97–103
Gibson, Mel, 121–122
Goals
for communication, 62–63
focus on, quitting difficult people, 134
focus on civilized communication, 62–63, 148
GAS strategic conversations, 97–98
verbal aggression, 148
Golf metaphor of Mulligan, 119–120
Goodwill account, conversational hazards, 125–127
Gottman, John, 141
Grant/Glueck study, Harvard Study of Adult Development, 40
Groups in pyramid prioritization, 38, 41–46
H
Habits vital to communication, 15–25
meaningful interactions, 16, 20–22
Harvard Study of Adult Development, 40
Haymaker, Harry, 139–141
Hedeman, Richard “Tuff,” 129–130
High-consequence conversations, 96
High-risk conversations, 126
Higher-order communication, 10–13, 23
Hypercommunication, 47–55
fragmented communication, 3–4, 30
imperfect and asymmetrical communication, 49–50, 54
listening, space for, 50–51
primordial urge to communicate, 108
self-correcting, space for, 51–53, 79, 119
understanding and connecting, space for, 53
I
I-based communication (See Personal communication)
Identity, defined, 88
Identity and core beliefs
common identities, 169
questions to avoid, 88–89
research studies on, 167–168
topics to avoid, 178–180
Identity violation, 169, 173–174, 178
Imperfect communication, 49–50, 54
Impulsive disclosure, 172–173
Incidents and negative feedback, 165
Inflation, communication, 107–109
Inhibition, playing dumb, 74
Initial conversations and negative feedback, 166
Instant responses, 60–61
Insults, eliminating, 63
Intentions
asking questions, 90
meaningful communication, 155
and negative feedback, 165
Interests, shared, 99–100
Internet (See Digital communication)
Interpersonal communication
be boring, 183–191
change the situation, 151–166
civilized communication, 57–72
conversational triage, 107–115
difficult people, 129–138
eliminate conversational hazards, 117–127
expectations, 27–36
hypercommunication as problem, 47–55
people-centered guidelines, 35–36
vs. personal and mass communication, 6–8, 31–32
playing dumb, 73–81
questions that make conversations worse, 83–92
relationships, attention to genuinely important, 37–46
respond with weakness, 139–150
storytelling, 193–205
strategic conversations, 93–105
three vital communication habits, 15–25
topics to avoid, 167–182
Interpersonal communication squeeze, 5–8
Interrogating questions, 87–88
J
Jackson, Phil “Zen Master,” 133–134
Jacobson, Lenore, 35
Johnson, Samuel, 50
K
Kennedy, John F., 40
L
Larrey, Dominique Jean, 110
Leading questions, 86–87
Length, SLOW for sensitive conversations, 181
Let go
of difficult people, 134
to eliminate conversational hazards, 119–120, 127
de Lévis, Gaston, 84
Life
communication as vital to, 23–25, 54–55
relationships, pay attention to genuinely important, 37–46
storytelling, 204
Lioness milking story (Schram), 47–49
Listening
space for, hypercommunication, 50–51
Low-consequence conversations, 96
Lower-order communication, 8–10, 35
M
Maintenance stage, Stages of Change model, 154
Mass communication, 5–8, 31–32, 36
Matching, conversational, 33, 34, 143–146
Meaningful communication, 5, 16, 20–22, 24, 36, 155–156
Messages
feedback, 164–166
social messages, 108
understanding, 32
Miller, Harlan, 50
Minefields, hidden identity topics, 178–180
Money, topics to avoid, 177–178
Mulligan, 119–120
N
Neanderthal behavior, 57–61, 139–141 (See also Difficult people)
Needy people, in relationship pyramid, 45–46
Negative feedback, 161–166
Neutral continuers, playing dumb, 79
Neutral response, playing dumb, 76–77
Neutralizing response, 145–146
Nonverbal signals of playing dumb, 78
Norcross, John, 152
Now, conversational triage, 111–112
Nudges, asking questions, 92
O
Obligation to respond, playing dumb, 76
Old flames as topic to avoid, 177–178
Open-door policy, pyramid prioritization, 42, 45–46
Open questions, 90–91
Orient to context, SLOW for sensitive conversations, 181
Overlapping interests in conversation, 99–100
P
Pause, respect for, and questions, 92
People-centered communication guidelines, 35–36
Perception and negative feedback, 165
Permission to ask questions, 90
Perot, Ross, 85
Personal communication
expectations, 30–31
vs. interpersonal communication, 6
questions that make conversations worse, 84–85
(See also Interpersonal communication)
Perspective taking, 36
Plausible reason to exit, 71
Playboy, 175–176
Playing dumb for relational harmony, 73–81
as challenging, 75–78
conversational silence or neutral response, 78
defined, 73
inhibition, 74
process of, 76–78
reasons for, 74–75
rules for, 78–81
success or failure, 80–81
Polite questions, 91
Politics as topic to avoid, 175–176
Positive messages and negative feedback, 165–166
Precontemplation stage, Stages of Change model, 152–153
Preparation stage, Stages of Change model, 153
Preparing for communication (See Strategic conversations)
Primordial urge to communicate, 54, 108
Prioritization for relationships, 38, 41–46
Private conversations and difficult people, 135
Problems, conversational triage to address, 107–115
Prochaska, James, 152
Proved wrong, playing dumb, 79
Proving someone wrong, resisting, 63
Purpose
of communication, 126–127
of questions, 89–90
Put-downs, eliminating, 63
Pygmalion effect, 35
Pyramid prioritization for relationships, 38, 41–46
Q
Questioning skills, 83–92
closed questions, 92
etiquette and politeness, 91
I-based goals, 84–85
identity questions, 88–89
intent clarification, 90
interrogating questions, 87–88
leading questions, 86–87
let people talk, 92
nudges, 92
open questions, 90–91
permission to ask, 90
purpose of questions, 89–90
question improvement tips, 90–92
respect for the pause, 92
rhetorical or unanswerable questions, 85–86
unwanted questions, 86
Quiet people, 137–138
Quitting difficult people, 132, 133–135
R
Redirect, in DR. E, 69–70, 76–77, 190
Redress, in successful apology, 122
Reduction of conversational hazards, 117–127
Relational transformation, 189
Relationships, pay attention to genuinely important, 37–46
cost of unfriending, 43–44
Harvard Study of Adult Development, 40
Internet negative impact on priorities, 38–40
playing dumb for relational harmony, 73–81
pyramid prioritization, 38, 41–46
Religion as topic to avoid, 175–176
Remorse, in successful apology, 122–123
Repeat, promise not to, in successful apology, 122
Resistance
overcoming, and negative feedback, 161–166
to playing dumb, 77
Respond with weakness, 139–150
apology and acknowledgment, 145–146
boxing metaphor, 139–141
conversational matching, 143–146
Responses
delay of, 63
firm response to verbal aggression, 148–150
instant, 60–61
neutral continuers, 79
neutral response, 76–77
neutralizing response, 145–146
obligation to respond, 76
SLOW for sensitive conversations, 181–182
to surprise conversations, 103–105
Responsibility, in successful apology, 122–123
Restraint and civilized communication, 59–64
Retaliation vs. deescalation, 67–68
Rhetorical questions, 85–86
Rodman, Dennis, 133
Rosenthal, Robert, 35
Rowland, Ian, 17
S
Safe way to communicate, storytelling, 199–201
Scale back goals for difficult people, 134
School bloomer experiment, 34–35
Self-correction, space for, 51–53, 79, 119
Self-esteem, self-image and identity, 169
Sensitive conversations, SLOW for, 180–182
Seriousness in conversational matching, 144
Set aside the conversation, 71
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Covey), 38
Sex as topic to avoid, 175–176
Shock-absorbing techniques for conversational hazards, 118–124
Simple messages, and negative feedback, 164–165
Situational change (See Change the situation)
Slow down, SLOW for sensitive conversations, 180–181
SLOW for sensitive conversations, 180–182
Social messages, communication inflation, 108
Socrates, 84
Someone else’s family as topic to avoid, 177
Speed in digital communication, 5, 9–10
Stages of Change model, 152–156
Stalemate in strategic conversations, 101–103
Stanford Prison Experiment, 157
Start in GAS strategic conversations, 99–100
Stockdale, James, 85
Storytelling, 193–205
connection, 201–205
facilitate closeness, 201–203
good life, 204
predisposition toward, 198–199
as safe way to talk, 199–201
stories as irresistible, 197–198
verbal, 194–197
Strategic conversations, 93–105
approach, 99–100
avoid wandering conversations, 94–95
exits (See Exiting conversations)
GAS preparation sequence, 97–103
goals, 97–98
high-consequence, 96
low-consequence, 96
preparation, 104–105
start, 101
unexpected conversation handling, 103–105
Stubborn people, 136
Success in strategic conversations, 101–103
Surprise conversation handling, 103–105
Surrender in strategic conversations, 101–103
Switching topics, 80
Synchronous communication, 9, 10–13, 77
T
Talking (See specific topics)
Text messages (See specific communication topics)
Thoughtful communicating, as habit, 16, 19–20
A Thousand Words (film), 53
Time, prioritization for relationships, 39–40
Timely response to verbal aggression, 148
Topics, switching, 80
Topics to avoid, 167–182
hidden identity minefields, 178–180
identity-related topics, 167–174
identity violations, 169, 173–174, 178
money, 177–178
old flames, 177–178
sex, religion, politics, 175–176
someone else’s family, 177
Triage classification, 110 (See also Conversational triage)
Twain, Mark, 168
U
Unanswerable questions, 85–86
Underlying conditions, change the situation, 158–159
Understanding
the message, expectations, 32
as a priority, 36
space for, 53
Understated dumbness, 78–79
Unexpected conversations, handling, 103–105
Unrealistic expectations, 28–33
Unwanted questions, 86
V
Vaillant, George, 40
Verbal aggression, 147–150
Verbal storytelling, 194–197
Vital need to communicate, 54
W
We-based communication (See Interpersonal communication)
Weakness (See Respond with weakness)
Welcome a response, SLOW for sensitive conversations, 181–182
Words
ill-chosen or offensive, 74–76
negative, and relational harm, 141
Z
Zimbardo, Philip, 157