In the 1960s, less than a third of families with children had two parents working full time. Today, families with two parents working outside the home are in the majority, and according to the Child Care and Development Fund, approximately 95 percent of toddlers are cared for by someone other than their parents during typical working hours.
Americans have been working more, too. In 1960, only 20 percent of mothers worked. Today, 70 percent of American children live in households where all adults are employed. Approximately one out of three mothers is single, so for most families, having child care is a practical necessity.
Finding a workable child-care arrangement is not always easy. Grandparents used to be the default day-care providers, but today live-in grandparents are rare, and relatives may not even reside in your state. Even if they do live nearby, they may be working themselves.
Day-care centers are more plentiful than ever, but quality can vary wildly. The day-care centers with better reputations usually cost more and fill up faster, so even if you can afford licensed, accredited care, it may not be available when you need it.
And some parents find themselves having to cobble together toddler care from multiple sources, such as day care for a few days, after-school care with a babysitter, and other times with a grandparent or neighbor. In this chapter, you’ll find help for choosing the best care for your toddler when you can’t be the caregiver.
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By law, domestic staff who work more than 40 hours per week must receive overtime pay.
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
Some parents plan ahead, before a child is even born, to have a parent to stay at home for a certain period of time. Others plan to go back work almost immediately, but then discover that the stresses and sacrifices aren’t worth the salary. Still others end up staying at home to take care of their babies and children, not out of choice, but because they’ve lost their jobs or aren’t able to find affordable, suitable child care for their children.
Whether or not you can afford child care is an important consideration when you’re thinking about whether to return to work or leave your job to be with your child. If you’re not sure about finances, online calculators are available that can help you with the number crunching (search “second income calculator”); then, put together a simple spreadsheet.
In addition to child-care costs, you’ll need to factor in the other costs of working and how they affect your domestic bottom line, such as:
• Taxes. Federal, state, and local taxes and Social Security deductions, typically amount to about one-third of take-home pay.
• Transportation. The IRS estimates that it costs at least 51 cents per mile to drive a car, including gas and insurance. Your costs will be higher or lower depending on your car’s age and fuel efficiency and gas prices. Don’t forget to factor in tolls and parking.
• Meals. Eating out for lunch at work, and sometimes breakfast or dinner, adds up too.
• Clothing. Factor in the price of your work wardrobe or uniform, plus the cost of shoes and dry cleaning, if needed.
• Additional household expenses. You may need to use more services, such as housecleaning, yard work, or pet sitting.
Once you have those expenses down on paper, compare them with the financial costs of a parent staying home to care for a child, including wages, benefits, and retirement contributions. Another consideration, although it’s hard to quantify, is how staying at home could affect your future career prospects and long-term income, such as potential raises, commissions, or promotions, and interest on retirement contributions.
Other Things to Think About
You’ll need to consider how staying at home with your toddler or going back to work could affect you emotionally. Doing well at a paid job can mean financial rewards and a feeling of accomplishment, which can be hard to come by when you’re carrying the full-time load of parenting.
In spite of how important closely parenting your child may feel, it’s not a job that society seems to value as much as it should. Being a stay-at-home parent is tough work, usually with no breaks or even private trips to the bathroom. Even the worst of tantruming bosses usually don’t throw oatmeal or blocks at your head, or vomit on you.
On the upside, there’s no doubt that being at home with your child can be immensely rewarding, fulfilling, and fun! It can also be boring, frustrating, and tedious because of the endless and repetitive nature of some of the tasks.
Studies have found that stay-at-home moms have a higher rate of depression than working ones. But working mothers sleep less and tend to have a higher level of stress, which can lead to issues like cardiovascular disease and a weakened immune system.
The biggest payoff for stay-at-home parents is being there during the formative years of your child’s life—a time that only happens once. Parenting’s most significant moments always happen when you least expect them, and hearing secondhand from your day-care provider that your child has learned to say “I love you” or reached some other big milestone is hardly the same thing as being there in person when it happens.
WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD?
The biggest question is: What’s best for you? And what’s best for your child?
Be honest with yourself about what is meaningful and fulfilling to you, what makes you happy. If you’ve always wanted to stay home with your children, but then find yourself becoming depressed and counting the minutes until naptime every day, you and your family might all be better off if you returned to work, even if you’re barely making enough to cover the cost of child care.
If you cherish being home, a day-care center—even the day care of your dreams—won’t compare to the meaning and joy that being with your child can deliver.
Working or not working doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition, either. If you’re working full time and thinking about staying home, or if you’re at home and wondering if you should go back to work, weigh all your options.
Scaling back your working hours or taking time off from work may be just what you need to help you refocus. Enlightened companies are becoming increasingly more family friendly as they realize that keeping good employees is in their best interests. If you have such a working environment, you might be able to work flexible hours, part time, or as a self-employed consultant, getting paid for your skills on your own schedule.
If you returned to work after your baby was born and are now feeling regrets and wanting to return to caring for your child, remember, too, it doesn’t have to mean the end of your career forever.
You can use the break from work to reassess, change your career path, start an at-home business, or go back to school. Or, you may be able to figure out a side career that will suit your skills and schedule. Here are some examples: teaching a class, freelance writing or web site design, accounting, helping out the parents in your neighborhood with child care, running errands, or event planning.
Stay-at-Home Precautions
Working from home and caring for a toddler at the same time usually doesn’t work well. You’ll either skimp on your work and set yourself up for failure, or you’ll get the work done but at the cost of a screaming (or even unsafe) toddler at your heels. Plan on hiring a babysitter to watch your child for the hours when you’ll be working.
Working from home requires uninterrupted time to focus, but toddlers demand almost continuous supervision. Even the most self-reliant toddler won’t be happy playing by herself for as long as it takes for you to get anything meaningful done on a daily basis.
An ignored, bored toddler can quickly get herself into dangerous situations. So think seriously about hiring a responsible teenager or retiree or other available helping hand to come over for a few hours a day to entertain your toddler or to take her to the playground where she can let off steam.
Keeping Your Sanity Intact
If you do decide to pursue working at home, there are some important ways to keep yourself in balance:
• Preserve your identity. It’s important to not let your sense of identity completely revolve around being Mommy. Make time for other interests, even if it’s just a few hours a week for exercise, a class, religious services, socializing with friends, or volunteering.
• Reframe your thinking. Don’t think of staying home as giving up your career, but as moving to a new and different phase of it. Stay in touch with former co-workers and keep abreast of developments in your field.
• Keep thinking ahead. Keep planning for the future. Even if you’re not able to pay into a 401(k) anymore, maybe you could afford investing in an IRA. And don’t forget a life insurance policy—with just a modest 20- or 30-year term—in case something should happen to you.
• Don’t get trapped. Structure your day so that you always get out of the house at least once. Having a weekly routine will be good for you and your child, too. Scout out local playgrounds, YMCA locations, gyms with child care, and coffee shops and bookstores where you can mingle with other stay-at-home parents and their kids.
STAY-AT-HOME DADS
Dads can be nurturing, attentive, and loving caregivers, and once a nursing child is weaned, a dad can do virtually everything a mom can. In 2007 the census bureau reported that about 25 percent of children with working mothers were being cared for by a stay-at-home dad, a 66 percent increase from only four years before. Those numbers are likely to increase.
Still, old stereotypes die hard. People can make unflattering assumptions about stay-at-home dads. If you’re a stay-at-home dad, you may find yourself the only guy at Mother Goose story time or the Mommy and Me gym class. You might hear remarks such as, “Oh, are you watching the baby today?” and hear strangers ask your child, “Where’s Mommy?”
Even more so than moms, stay-at-home dads need to work to find a community of kindred spirits. Seek out local playgroups where dads feel valued and supported. Check out the resources for stay-at-home dads at the end of this book and in the companion volume Becoming a Dad: The First 3 Years by John Carr. Instead of trying to be Mom, bring your own unique skills to childrearing, such as your penchant for play.
If you are the stay-at-home parent, it will likely fall to you to do the lion’s share of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and errands. If you’re the working parent, you’ll have to adjust your expectations and accept that taking care of a toddler is nonstop, demanding work and not every chore might be done to your standards.
Finding the Right Care for Your Toddler
CARE BY RELATIVES
During the typical workday most children are cared for by a grandparent. It’s cost-effective (most grandparents don’t expect to be paid, though you should offer), and the advantage of using your parents for child care is that it allows your child to be in familiar surroundings and builds an irreplaceable, multigenerational bond.
No one outside of your family will love your children more than their grandparents. And they have to be at least a little bit competent, since you or your partner managed to survive their care.
However, caring for toddlers can be physically exhausting, even for the young and spry. You may worry about a grandparent’s physical ability to handle your child, to drive her around safely, or to interact for hours at a time without rest. You may worry that if disagreements arise, such as about diet or discipline, a grandparent may not accept your authority as readily as a hired babysitter would.
If you do opt for a grandparent to care for your toddler, it may be a good idea to also have a Plan B—someone who can fill in and who can be called in case of unexpected illness or injury.
It’s also a good idea to discuss payment terms up front and get the matter out of the way. Some grandparents may be insulted if you offer payment, but it seems only fair that at the very least you reimburse your relative for transportation, and provide food or grocery money and a kitty of cash for expenses and activities.
NANNIES AND AU PAIRS
A nanny is someone who cares for your child in your home and may or may not live in your home with you, and an au pair is a domestic assistant, usually between the ages of 18 and 26 and possibly from another country, who lives with you. There are male nannies, too.
The term au pair is from the French meaning “equal to.” Though au pairs are expected to perform light housework, an au pair is more like a temporary family member than a domestic employee, usually eating with the family and accompanying you on family outings and vacations.
The average nanny works 10 to 12 hours a day, and the big advantages of hiring a nanny for in-home care is that it can be the most flexible option in terms of scheduling and duties. Having your own hired person allows your child to stay in her own familiar surroundings and form a relationship with someone who will consistently stay with her. Many families form lifelong friendships with their nannies or au pairs.
On the other hand, in-home care may be the most expensive option. You can expect to pay about $450 to $1500 or more per week for a nanny, depending on benefits and a nanny’s experience and education.
The average starting salary for a live-in au pair is $176 per week. Most au pairs live for nine months to two years with a host family. Typically, they help in the house for a set number of hours during the day and have two days off a week. You are expected to provide the au pair with a private room, transportation, living expenses, and cultural experiences. For an au pair on a J-1 exchange visa, families must pay at least $500 toward course work and allow time off for the au pair to complete at least 6 hours of academic credit from an accredited institution during their stay with you.
Hiring a Nanny or Au Pair
To find an au pair or nanny, you can do the legwork yourself, advertise online using a Web-based service such as www.4nanny.com, or www.usaupair.com. Or, you can use a referral agency.
Agencies typically collect a nonrefundable retainer, interview you and your family, and then advertise and recruit suitable candidates. They prescreen candidates, conduct background, checks, check references, and so on.
If you decide to hire an agency-referred nanny or au pair, the agency will collect a one-time placement fee, usually a percentage of the nanny’s annual salary (12 percent is standard). For international au pairs, the agency will usually handle the visa process, too.
Some Web-based referral services may post unscreened candidates and collect a fee that is not contingent upon employment. In that case you will be responsible for performing background checks and crafting and enforcing work agreements.
Whether you’re hiring an in-home caregiver from an online service or an international au pair from an agency, it’s important to get a thorough briefing on how the agency screens and acquires its employees and how it matches candidates with families.
Screening In-Home Candidates
If you’re hiring in-home care, then you’ll need to interview candidates yourself. You’ll want to discuss hours, salary, and duties, of course, and if you offer any benefits, such as sick days, holidays, or the use of a car.
If you’re hiring a live-in nanny, you’ll want to talk about curfew and visitor rules and accommodations. You’ll need to go over any rules you may have about smoking, drinking, and other issues. Before the potential employee meets your child, give her (or him) an idea of what a typical day is like in your family and any important information about your toddler, such as any special needs, dietary restrictions, medications and health concerns, or anything unusual about your and your child’s schedules.
There are important questions that you need to ask a prospective nanny. Jotting down brief notes may help you later. (Since most nannies are female, we’ll use the “she” here, though male nannies are becoming more common.)
• What experience does she have with toddlers?
• What does she enjoy about working with children?
• What is her least favorite part of caring for children?
• How does she usually deal with tantrums, whining, and disobedience?
• Has she ever lost her temper with a child? What did she do?
• Has she ever hit a child? When (in her mind) would hitting be okay?
• Is there anything in particular that previous parents she’s worked with have done that she liked, or didn’t like?
• Does she have references? Is it all right with her if you contact them? How can they be reached?
As you listen to her answers, take stock and be attuned to body language. Does she seem honest and forthcoming? When she talks about previous employers, does she have mostly positive things to say? Does she maintain eye contact when giving an answer?
If you like a candidate, your next step is to ask her back to spend some time with your child. If they have a good rapport, your final step is to perform a basic background check online that includes criminal records, which usually costs less than $20 and is instantaneous. Some background checks also include a credit check.
If you’re hiring a foreign au pair, you won’t have the same opportunity to meet the candidate in person or check her background yourself in advance of her arrival. Usually a placement agency will have a whole-family interview with you. Then the agency representative will supply you with dossiers of candidates, and will set up interviews by telephone.
FAMILY CHILD CARE
Family child care is usually provided by a stay-at-home mom who cares for your child as well as her own in her own home. Home care is usually less expensive than licensed care, and in the best case, in-home care can offer your toddler a loving family atmosphere, with less staff turnover and more flexibility than commercial daycare centers.
But at-home care is also not governed by state laws and regulations as strictly as commercial day-care centers usually are. The quality of care will be as good (or bad) as the individual providing it.
Checking Out Family Child Care
Here are some things to look at when you check out in-home family child care.
Ask the same tough questions as you would a nanny (see Nannies and Au Pairs) and get the full name of the care provider and anyone else who will be in the house, and perform an online background check.
Ask how many other children will be cared for, and their ages. (More than six toddler-aged children per caregiver is problematic.) If there are infants in the mix, the ratio should be even smaller. Note that having a wide range of ages, such as infants with toddlers and older children, can make younger children more vulnerable to the physical aggression of the older ones.
Ask the caregiver how she disciplines children, particularly her policy on spanking.
Ask where diapers are changed and disposed of. The diapering area should be clean and dirty diapers should be kept in a sealed trash can that’s well out of the reach of children. Check for the presence of gloves and/or hand sanitizer.
Check out any food storage and preparation areas to make sure they’re hygienic.
Ask about the daily schedule—is there time and space for outdoor activities? Naps? Snacks? Are the kids ever allowed to watch TV?
How will she handle any medical emergencies—hers or the children’s?
If you use at-home care, if possible, consider popping in unannounced on a day when you can take off early or take a long lunch. Are the children engaged in activities, or are they running around chaotically or being babysat by a television?
DAY-CARE CENTERS
So many parents wonder: What’s better for kids, staying at home, or going to a group child-care center? The short answer: It depends on the center and whom you ask.
In 2003, two studies were published, one from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development and the other from the Institute of Child Development of the University of Minnesota. Both showed that kids who spent all day in day care had higher levels of stress and more aggression than kids cared for at home.
On the other hand, other respectable studies from university and state education departments have shown that kids who have been in day care or preschool do better academically and have better social skills than those who stay home, and do better both academically and socially once they get to kindergarten.
It appears that it’s the quality of care that counts, especially the amount of individual attention that children get, rather than the type of care. If a caregiver is at home but is glued to the TV or a computer and not positively interacting with a child, then a quality day-care situation might be better. If a day-care center is poorly staffed and chaotic, then stressed and aggressive toddlers might do better if they were at home.
Finding a Quality Day Care
Here are the steps you can take to find quality care for your child:
• Start looking as soon as possible. Even if you know you’re going to stay home until your child is two or three, there’s no harm in looking at programs even while you’re pregnant. The sooner you start, the more options you’ll have, because the best programs fill up fast. Even if you’re on the fence about going back to work, it’s better to lose the time and money spent on reserving space in a good center than to be without care and have to settle for a program that’s not as good.
• Ask for recommendations. There’s no better way to get the inside dirt than from parents who have dealt with a day-care center on a daily basis. Keep in mind that the people you ask may be biased toward where they sent their own kids.
• Call local referral agencies. Most larger urban areas have nonprofit child-care referral agencies that keep tabs on childcare centers and home-based providers, where you may be able to get referrals.
• Web sites. Google the words “child care” and a zip code. State licensing agencies, major childcare organizations, and dedicated Internet sites also supply online providers’ lists, such as www.childcareaware.org, and www.doodledays.com.
• Local universities. Universities and colleges with early-childhood-education programs usually have better-than-average quality and sometimes accept children whose parents aren’t students or teachers at the university.
Evaluating a Day Care
What makes for a quality child-care center? Here are some things to look for as you tour day cares and preschool programs:
• Low child-to-staff ratio. The child-to-staff ratio is a good indicator that your toddler will get the attention she needs. Too few caregivers is likely to translate into more neglect and less one-on-one attention. Most states also have guidelines on teacher-to-student ratios. The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) recommends no more than four young toddlers (age 12 to 24 months) per caregiver, with a maximum of twelve young toddlers and three caregivers per group. Further, they recommend no more than six older toddlers (age 24 to 36 months) per caregiver, and a maximum of twelve older toddlers and two caregivers per group.
• Educated staff. The more educated staff members are, the more likely they are to understand the subtleties of child development and to enrich your toddler’s activities and curriculum. As you tour childcare centers, ask the directors about their credentials (such as if they have a college degree in early childhood education). Also ask if most staff members have college degrees, or at least have obtained high-school diplomas.
• Low staff turnover. Staff turnover is high in child-care centers. It’s a stressful job with long hours that often doesn’t pay well. As you tour centers, ask individual staff members how long they’ve been working there. Low turnover will mean more stability for your child and more experienced providers. Plus, it is a general sign that the center is a pleasant and low-stress place to be.
• Hygiene and health policies. What is the center’s policy on sick children? For your child’s protection, children with fevers, pinkeye, or other communicable illnesses should be sent home. There should be ample hand-washing facilities with gloves and hand sanitizer provided at diaper-changing areas. Are toys routinely wiped down or washed to prevent the spread of illnesses?
• Activities and nutrition. Are children of all different ages grouped together? That might mean that younger children get overrun by older ones. Children should be grouped into similar ages and offered activities that help children at each age and stage to feel creative and successful. Ask about the schedule for the day. Is there time for imaginative play? Outdoor time and physical activity? Does the center provide meals? If so, ask to see a sample menu. Are the snacks and main meals loaded with carbohydrates, or is an effort made to provide healthy, fresh foods for the children?
• Warm interactions. How accessible are the staff members? Do they get down on child level for interactions? Are they warm and enthusiastic, calling children by name? How does the staff deal with children who are misbehaving or upset? You should leave feeling confident that your child will be beautifully cared for and cherished as an individual, not herded around.
• Accreditation. Your state will have a department that oversees the licensing of child-care operations. That department will likely have a directory listing licensed child-care centers in your county or city. In addition, the NAEYC offers an accreditation program for day-care centers. There are plenty of quality programs that are not accredited, but a program with a NAEYC certification will have met certain quality standards. You can research NAEYC accreditation and find accredited programs by visiting www.naeyc.org.
When Your Child Seems Unhappy
Sometimes child-care situations simply don’t work, and it’s hard to know how to handle that. Your toddler may appear unhappy, and you don’t know if it’s simply a passing phase or whether you should make a change. Consistency is important, but so is your child’s comfort. You might need help assessing the situation.
It’s important to build a strong, honest relationship with your toddler’s caregiver. Not only should she alert you to any problems that come up for your child or the center, but you should be able to openly share what’s going on at home, such as alerting her to changes in your toddler’s habits or family stresses that could be affecting your toddler at child care.
You should always feel welcomed any time you want to visit the center, whether to simply observe what’s going on, or to engage with your child and other children when you want to know how your child is doing and who your child’s friends are. If, on the other hand, you’re not invited in, that may raise questions about what’s going on inside.
Your child’s caregiver should be keeping a daily log that she openly shares with you. Check the log every day, and make sure it’s consistent with what you observe happening with your child at home, such as how much she eats and how many diaper/training pants changes she needs.
Is your child going through a change at home? Weaning from bottle to cup, toilet training, teething, and even changing beds can all temporarily make a toddler feel unhappy or moody. Or your toddler’s unhappiness could simply be a normal phase of separation anxiety. (For help in dealing with toddler separation anxiety, see Chapter 3.)
Keep tabs on the current provider-to-child ratio. It’s hard to keep up when employees in childcare settings frequently come and go. Even though the ratio between caregivers and children could have seemed ideal when you signed on, when staff members leave, then fewer workers are left to care for the children. Caregivers get sick or take vacations, too. That could be stressing your child and other children in the center.
Finally, trust your intuition. You are your child’s number-one advocate, and if your gut is telling you something just isn’t right, then maybe it’s time to start thinking about changing caregivers.
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The Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit allows parents to deduct approximately one-third of child-care costs, based on income.
Q & A
Q: My son seems unhappy at his preschool. He says it’s because he doesn’t like another student. My son is shy and reserved, and I wonder if he is getting hurt or bullied by another child. How should I approach the day-care staff about the problem?
A: First, we’d suggest making an after- or before-school appointment to openly discuss your concerns with your son’s teacher and aides. Most likely, they’ll be able to share with you how your son is faring and whether he seems happy or unhappy. Your bringing up the issue might lead to some positive adult monitoring and intervention for your child. Second, consider observing in the classroom a couple of times for 30 minutes to an hour, perhaps at snack time, so you can see how your son is relating to other children, especially the child that concerns you. Hopefully you’ll find that the teachers are very supportive and your son’s problem is being constructively addressed. On the other hand, if you find the staff defensive and you don’t get the response you should, then your options are to wait for the problem to blow over, as it likely will, or to take the problem to a higher level, or to seek another child-care setting for him.
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The best caregivers for young children should demonstrate flexibility and kindness.
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If your child seems genuinely unhappy with her child-care situation, follow your instincts and investigate.