4.Dear Diary,
This is my first entry. I’ve wanted to write in a diary for a couple years now. I think there’s been a part of myself that’s been missing because I haven’t done it yet. It’s what someone like me is supposed to do if I really want to be what I want to be, right? I want when I die (hopefully I’m at least 110) for people to be able to read my diaries, and finally know all my secrets. And then write books about my secrets and argue about them. And then people will write books about those books. And that way no one will ever forget me. So here we go, diary. May no one ever read you but me. That is until I’m dead at the very youngest age of 110. Then may everyone read you, forever and ever.
Let’s see . . . What’s new in my life? Oh yeah. Finally got Ben Bernstein to say yes to sleepover plans with me. Boy oh boy, that took forever. I thought he’d never be able to. He always had a reason and even though I choose to think the best of people, and not be paranoid, I did wonder if maybe he was lying. He only managed to say yes when he and his family came over for dinner and I asked him in front of everybody. I wondered if he was just saying yes because he felt that everyone else there, his parents and my parents, was pressuring him. I wonder if he would have said no again if they weren’t there.
Lots of people are very different when they’re around people and when they’re alone. Sometimes they’re better with other people, and sometimes they’re better alone. Me, I’m the same no matter what. If I like someone, I like them no matter where we are or who else is there. I don’t change into a different person in different situations and I don’t lie.
But maybe Ben did just say yes because he wanted to, and it had nothing to do with his parents being there. And maybe all those reasons he gave for not being able to have plans with me before were real.
Maybe Ben really did have pneumonia, even though he came to school two days later and won a push-up contest in the hall against none other than Jordan Feldman, aka “The Push-up King.” Maybe he really was brought in for questioning by the CIA because they found out he lost his virginity to a Russian spy. Maybe his grandmother did die in a tragic inner-tubing accident, even though when my mom offered his mom condolences, his mom didn’t know what my mom was talking about. She didn’t even know what inner tubing was. Maybe Ben’s mom was in denial, though?
But the point is, Ben Bernstein did say yes. And last night we had our first sleepover plans. And it was just great.
Ben isn’t the most popular guy in the popular group, but I would say he’s the most respected. He gets the best grades and he hangs out with a lot of kids that are not in the popular group. Kids like me. Even though his other friends that are not in the popular group are much more popular than I am. He’s always talking these other friends up. Usually that kind of “talking up” is enough to get them in the popular group. That was one of the reasons I chose him to become friends with first. I was realistic, though. I knew it would probably take more than just one sleepover to become close enough friends with him that he would speak up for me. At least two more sleepovers would have to be had. But you had to start somewhere. Besides, maybe we’d hit it off so much that this one sleepover would be all that I needed.
Leading up to the night was a little rough. Ben avoided me all week at school, so much so I thought he was going to cancel on me. Every time the phone rang, my heart would sink, thinking it was him or his mother with the bad news. But he didn’t, and last night I slept over at his house and we had an amazing time.
When I first got to his house he acted like we were old friends. There was no hallway weirdness. His mom had already put out snacks. Chips and popcorn. We played video games. We watched some really funny movies. We were up really really late. Really all of that is a blur, though, because the part of the sleepover that was my favorite was us just lying in bed and talking. It was really the part of the night I was excited for most. My thoughts are always the clearest when I’m in bed, and I wanted my head to be clear and focused when I talked to Ben.
I lay there wide awake. We had been downing M&M’s and Diet Coke for hours. I was wired. Ben wasn’t wired, though. All the sugar we had must not have affected him. I could tell he was dozing. So I felt I had better get right to the point before he fell asleep and I missed my chance to make my case.
I started straight out of the gate asking Ben if he could vouch for me with the other boys that I was cool. Ben mumbled that, actually, he had already brought me up to the group. This made me so excited, I wanted to bounce off the walls. I was also a bit surprised, since he had been ignoring me so much lately. I asked him when he had talked to them about me. He said the other day. I asked what they said. He said that they said I was cool, but they had to be careful who they let into the group because they already had almost too many people and there were others who had been asking to be a part of it way longer than me. Sure, I’d get let in, but it would be a while. At least a few months.
I asked Ben if he liked being popular. He said he never gave it much thought. I told him he should thank his lucky stars. He had no idea how good he had it. He had no idea how hard it was for me. To have no one. To go days without anyone saying hi. I reminded him about the time, a couple days before, when I said hi to him and asked him about our plans and he just walked right by me. He said it was because he was late to class. I reminded him that it was during lunch. He said that he was probably so hungry he was out of it. I told him it was at the end of lunch, and I remember him throwing away an empty lunch bag. He said, in that case, he was out of it because he was so full. I told him I believed him, but I also asked him if he could please try not to be out of it when I said hi to him in the future, and to promise never to ignore me again. He said sure, and that made me happy.
I then started to beg him to mention me to the boys again that Monday, because things for me were getting too difficult to bear. I started crying. I asked Ben if he ever cried. He said no. I reminded him that he didn’t know how good he had it. That he didn’t know what it was like to be someone like me. He told me he heard me the first time. He said he’d see what he could do. I asked him if the Russian spy was his girlfriend. He said yes and that they broke up because she was mad he had talked to the CIA, but they were now talking about getting back together. I told him that one of the reasons I needed to be popular was to make sure I had a cool girlfriend like him, when I was ready to like girls.
Ben asked me if he could be honest with me. I said of course. Ben said that he didn’t think that I’d ever get a girlfriend. I asked why he thought that. Then he asked if he could be even more honest with me. Again I said yes. And then Ben said:
“Abraham, you just have to face the facts. You have a giant egg head.”
Then he fell asleep.
When I woke up, Ben was gone. His mother said that he forgot to tell me that he had to go do charity work.
I called him today when I got home to tell him I had a great time and asked when he wanted to have sleepover plans again. His mother went to get him. When she came back to the phone, she told me that he had moved.