In the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is the notion of a Higher Power, or God as you understand Him. And that is fine for our purposes. It doesn’t matter what you call it, as long as you call on it. The point is not a name or a word or any religious doctrine or dogma. The point is a spiritual principle that becomes a living reality, affecting both body and soul: that a power greater than the mortal mind, in you but not of you, can do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
Consider what that means to you. You might wish to use your journal pages to write down your thoughts, take a minute to reflect on your spiritual beliefs, or talk to friends or counselors about your ideas. This course is not so much about your relationship to food as it is about your relationship to your Creator. In healing your relationship to Him, you heal your relationship to yourself; and in healing your relationship to yourself, you heal your relationship to everything.
Our goal is that you have a miracle. But a miracle comes from somewhere; it emerges not from your mortal mind but from the mind of God. For the purposes of these 21 lessons, it will be helpful for you to entertain the possibility that Divine Mind can miraculously heal you. That is all you need do: be willing to consider the possibility that this is true. By opening your mind to the possibility of a miracle, you pave the way for your experience of one.
You have tried many ways to end your food hell, from various food programs to exercise to fasting to who-knows-what. Now I propose that you try something you may or may not have tried before. I suggest that you plant a mustard seed and let God’s strength grow within you. “The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches” (Matthew 13:31–32).
I suggest you accept this fact: that you cannot beat this problem by yourself. You cannot stop. You have no control over it. It is bigger than you are. If you could have done this by yourself, you would have done so by now.
Your freedom lies in accepting that which frightens you most: that you are powerless to stop this problem, to fight it or to fix it … your compulsion to eat excessively is stronger than you are … you are so tired of this war you have fought against yourself that part of you would rather die than go on.
It’s time to surrender the struggle now.
And how does that feel to you? Does it feel like a relief, or does it make you nervous? “What? Surrender? As in, just give up?” you might say. “Are you crazy? How can I give up?! If I give up, I will become truly obese! I might even die! I’ll be out of control entirely!”
Yet aren’t you out of control now? Exactly what part of you would guide you to keep up the fight? This voice that seems to be speaking to you with such concern and wisdom, warning you to keep fighting—is that a power that has proven effective at solving the problem? And if in fact it hasn’t, then isn’t it time to fire it as your guide?
Your salvation in this area lies not in resisting the truth of your powerlessness before food, but rather in accepting it. For this acceptance leads you straight into the arms of God, however you think of Him or whatever you understand Him to be. You realize, once you accept that your problem is bigger than you are, that perhaps something else is bigger than it.
You are now at one of the most important crossroads of your life, as a problem you have dealt with for a long time has reached a climax. Perhaps you feel cornered now, as though you’ve tried everything and all your efforts are spent. Having depended on your own strength to heal yourself, you have ended up smack-dab back in the center of the wound. You feel checkmated by yourself and beaten by your own ego. All your efforts have been for nothing when confronted by the demonic power of your compulsion to eat unwisely.
Yet the very situation that has wounded you can now become that which heals you, if you allow it to take you deep into the mystery of the soul’s dependence on the divine. Do not forget that while your wound is more powerful than your conscious mind, God is more powerful than your wound.
I cannot, but God can! I cannot, but God can! becomes your mantra. And in realizing that the power of your mortal self is small when compared to the power of God, you will no longer need to “puff yourself up” in an effort to make yourself “big enough” to handle your problems. In fact, you will discover the power of true humility, deferring to a power that is greater than your own. God is big enough to handle your problems—so you need not be.
It can feel almost personally insulting when you first see that your personal part in making your life run smoothly is so small compared to His. Yet that is exactly the right relationship of mortal to Divine power. In order to end your compulsive eating’s reign of terror, you need a power that actually moves through your brain, changes your nervous system, changes your patterns and habits, changes your self-image, changes your thoughts about food, changes your thoughts about your body; and a myriad of other physical, emotional, and psychological factors.
What worldly power could achieve such a total makeover? When you accept the possibility that there might be another way—that perhaps a miracle could happen—then you permit your mind to experience one. Something you always intuited but were terrified to admit—that of yourself you don’t have what it takes to lose your weight and keep it off permanently—becomes a relief. You don’t, but God does.
It is when you allow God to be bigger, that you will allow yourself to become physically smaller. You will begin to give up your burdens when you remember there is someone to give them to.
The weight on your body is nothing compared to the weight on your heart … the sadness, the shame, the despair, the weariness. Yet imagine, if only for a moment, that there is a force in the universe that would take your sorrow and shame and all the rest, and simply lift them from your shoulders. You are carrying burdens you were not meant to carry and do not have to carry. Your weight is a burden you can now give over. You were created to travel lightly on this planet, with the same sense of relaxed joy that little children have. As soon as you lighten up your mind, your body will lighten up as well.
A small child living in a normal, healthy environment is free and relaxed because he or she assumes that an adult is handling his or her needs. That is meant to be a model for the development of our healthy relationship to the divine. You are meant to trust the universe like a child trusts an adult. If, however, you came to feel as a child that your adult authority figures could not be trusted, then you have had a harder time transitioning into a healthy dependence on God. You think you’re on your own and have to handle everything by yourself. No wonder you feel heavy. …
Consequently, you have had a difficult time processing your emotions. You don’t work through them; you hold on to them. You try to stuff them. Problems arise, both conscious and unconscious, and instead of giving them up, you take them in. You subconsciously make your body a larger size in order to contain your large problems. You try to create a big enough container to carry all your issues, when you shouldn’t be carrying all those issues to begin with!
Perhaps you are someone who feels a need to sabotage yourself when things get too good. Perhaps you’ve made a subconscious decision that you should allow yourself only this much success, or this much money, or this much physical beauty or happiness. And why? It could be a lot of reasons: perhaps you grew up afraid to break through barriers that your parents didn’t break through, or were ashamed of being successful when those around you weren’t, or were concerned that you’d lose someone’s love or approval if you dared to have the life you really wanted.
It doesn’t matter why your own invisible barrier exists, that point past which the subconscious alarm starts blaring, “Uh-oh! Too much good! Too much good! You mustn’t go there! Go back!” As in, go back into that limited condition where you belong. Don’t you dare break free. If you break through that barrier, all hell will break loose! But in front of that barrier is where hell in fact has already broken loose. …
An overwhelming urge to overeat reflects the hidden barrier you erected within your mind; you are invited to cross that barrier now and to make a run for freedom. Imagine God Himself, in whatever form He appears to you, walking up to the barrier and smashing it. It is the barrier itself that is the root of your problem. It is not enough to control your appetite; true healing involves dissolving the barrier, removing the false thinking that has kept you bound.
Let’s now ask God to free you of the mental limitations that exist within you like petty tyrants. There is no way to surrender your weight without surrendering your subconscious belief that you’re better off weighing too much. If you’re subconsciously convinced that being heavy is a safer zone than being thin, then of course your primal urge to protect yourself will make sure you stay heavy. You’ll feel a subconscious need to sabotage your greater good.
Sometimes we’re tempted to cap our good, afraid that what happens when the cap is removed is too chaotic, too frightening, too out of control. But the life we live at the behest of our control mechanisms—whether expressed as an obsessive urge to eat or an obsessive refusal to eat—is the life that is out of control. Trying to keep down your feelings, your gorgeousness, your success, your life force, you are seeking to put a cap on life itself. And this cannot be done. No matter how much you try to abort the process, life happens. It will unfold beautifully, or it will unfold less than beautifully. But it will unfold.
And this is a good thing. For all that life energy coming at you is not a threat, but a gift; it’s not a curse, but a blessing. Your alternative to trying to cap what cannot be capped anyway is to allow it, to stand before the wellspring of life not seeking to tamp it down, but rather enjoying its delights. The deeper delights you are seeking are not found in food, but rather in living fully. Don’t resist the flow of life; relax into the middle of it, and marvel at the ever-unfolding miracle which is life itself. God knows how to be God, and will show you—if you allow Him to—the awesomeness of creation as it manifests in and through you.
Spiritually, your wanting to lose weight is not a desire to become less of yourself, but rather a desire to become more of your true self. And you remember who you truly are when you remember Who created you. By reestablishing your right relationship to your Source, you reestablish your right relationship to yourself—in mind and in body. You are a being both created by love and at home in love. Your deepest desire is not for food, but for the experience of home. Your deepest desire is not for food, but for love.
Love is both the creator of the universe and the order of the universe. We vastly underestimate the seismic rupture caused by the slightest deviation from love. Every moment of unconscious eating is a moment when you are starving from a lack of healthy self-love, and struggling to find it elsewhere. Just as a child in the womb receives its nourishment directly from its mother, so we are to receive our true nourishment directly from the divine. In reestablishing your relationship with your divine source, you will once again receive divine nourishment. As your connection to love is repaired, you’ll be freed from your compulsion to seek love from a source that only dishes out self-hate.
You were taught to be self-reliant, and of course that is a good thing. But your dependence on God is not the abdication of responsibility; it is the ultimate taking of responsibility. It doesn’t make you less powerful to acknowledge a Higher Power; it makes you more powerful, because it gives you access to the power of faith.
Faith is an aspect of consciousness; there is no such thing as a faithless person. Right now, you have plenty of faith … faith that you’ll eat too much, no matter what you do. Faith that you’ll never lose the weight and really keep it off. Faith that overeating is your only true friend, even though you know it’s anything but your friend. The real question is, do you have more faith in the power of your problem or in the power of a miracle to solve it?
Let’s try tweaking your faith a bit here. Believe, even if only for just a moment, that God will work a miracle in your life. Try having faith in that. He will take away your inappropriate and excessive desires for food; He will remove your false appetites and return your body to its natural wisdom; He will restore your life to purpose and joy. And if you can’t do that—if you can’t summon up the faith—then, if only for a moment, lean on mine.
The problem is not that we’re not believers; most of us are. The problem is that we too often keep our “belief” or even our “faith” separate from the rest of our lives. As though spirituality is some separate corner of life, distinct from our bodies or relationships or work lives or any other practical concerns.
“God has enough to think about,” people often say, as though we shouldn’t bother Him with our petty problems. But there is no spot in the universe that isn’t filled, infused, permeated, and lifted up by the divine. Your Creator can’t be left out, except in your thinking. And wherever He is left out in your thinking, He can’t help you. Let Him help you lose weight, and He will.
At about this point, your fear-mind might be starting to disparage these lessons. In your overeating, fear has found in you a perversely comfortable home, and it will not move out of its lair so easily. With every step forward, it will try to lure you back. “This is nonsense.” “This can’t work.” “God has nothing to do with your weight.” Such are the kinds of ammunition it will use to make sure that no matter what else you do, you will not give this course a chance.
For something in your thinking has begun to expand, and the spirit of fear will have none of that. “Whoa, slow down!” fear will say. Or “This is a waste of time.” Or the pseudointellectual one: “Faith isn’t rational!” Well, neither is a loving embrace, but no one would doubt its power.
Fear is a psychic tyrant that has no intention of letting its slave go free. It will say whatever it needs to say to confuse your thinking and pervert your appetites. It will always seek to preserve itself, and it doesn’t mind your being spiritual or religious as long as you don’t actually apply it to your life too much. It doesn’t mind your going to church, as long as you are fat and going to church. You are to do what it says, how and when it says to do it. And nothing—not your best intentions, your willpower, or your self-discipline—has the power to overrule its authority. Only God does.
Let us increase your faith in that.
The purpose of this lesson is to increase faith that a power greater than yourself can miraculously free you from the chains that have bound you. We build an altar to the divine as a way to focus our thoughts on the divine. So you will now build a physical altar in your home, and a spiritual altar in your mind.
Fear already has an altar—it’s called your kitchen. It has cabinets and a refrigerator, drawers of packaged goods, and forks and knives and spoons. It has all those things, plus counters, a sink, and more. It is the headquarters for many of your fears.
Let us now establish another headquarters: a headquarters for love.
With this lesson, your assignment is to create a place in your home that will remind you that love, not fear, is the true power in your life. Every time you visit your altar, it will fortify love’s power in your mind. And the more love fills your mind, the more miracles will fill your life.
Look around you and consider what area of your home might best be used for your altar. Your altar should both celebrate and support your willingness to receive a miracle. Every time you pass it, your faith will be fortified. Seated next to your altar should be a chair for reading inspirational material, praying, and meditating. The altar should include a surface on which to place beautiful or meaningful objects that remind you of Spirit. This book, of course … and pictures, holy books, statues, fresh flowers, prayer beads, sacred objects … all are examples of appropriate items to be placed upon your altar. As you go through this course—indeed, as you move through the journey of your entire life—it would be good to make your altar a continuous expression of your devotion to God. This dedicated space reminds you to bow down to love and love only. And every time you write in your journal, you should return it to your altar.
“Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, with all thy might” is the First Commandment … and why? Because it is the key to right living. We should focus on Divine Will because if we don’t, then our focus will be given over to something else. That something else is neurosis, pathology, compulsion, and fear. In our separation from the thoughts of love, blind to the true source of our good, we look for love in all the wrong places. That is idolatry. Perhaps eating has become a false idol for you.
On any given day when you feel triggered, when you are deeply drawn to the ritualistic dance of self-hatred that is overeating, you will have more power to resist if on that day you have already experienced the power of your altar … if you have already prayed and given thanks to God. For having bowed consciously before the power of the divine, you will be far less tempted to bow subconsciously before the power of your compulsion to overeat.
Having begun to build your altar to love, let’s begin to tear down your altar to fear. First, walk into your kitchen and pray that it be home to love and love only.
Dear God,
I dedicate this room to You.
May only love prevail here.
May fear have power no more,
in my heart, in my body, or in my house.
Amen
Also, there is a Native American tradition called “smudging” that you might find useful. It involves gathering some sage and burning it over a bowl—in this case, in your kitchen. Along with prayer, this herbal ritual will help clear out your dysfunctional appetites. The two will purify the room of compulsive energies still hanging in the air, the psychic leftovers of one who used to bow like a slave before the altar to fear. That person is no longer who you are. Even though the ghost of your former self might appear to taunt you, do not let this scare you. You have remembered what is holy, and what is not holy can no longer hurt you.
I suggest you rid your kitchen of all trigger foods, for they can still harm you as long as you do not have the will to resist their temptation. If the thought occurs to you that you are throwing away good food that costs real money, remind yourself that too much unhealthy food could in fact cost you your life. Fill your kitchen instead with colorful, nutritious foods; enlist family and friends to help you in this process, if you need their support. Get rid of all that is unhealthy, and make your kitchen a sacred place.
Moving back to your new altar—your altar to the power of love—allow yourself, while sitting before it, to imbibe the energies of Spirit. Books, music, letter writing, pictures … anything that helps build the thought-forms and feelings of a more beautiful life. Even books about food are fine, as long as they are about wise and healthy eating.
You might take the opportunity to expand your reading to a powerful set of principles: the Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Whether you are an addict or a compulsive eater—who, while not addicted to a specific food, is still unable to control your desire to eat excessively—the principles of OA carry a universal wisdom that has saved the lives of millions.
The steps are universal adages that speak to anyone dealing with an addiction, and the first three encapsulate the meaning of spiritual surrender: that as an addict you must admit that you are powerless before your problem, that only God is powerful enough to restore you to sanity, and that as an addict you must turn your will and life over to the care of God as you understand Him.
Addiction represents the place where one’s sanity is overruled. No matter what you do—no matter how much you diet or exercise—as long as there is that place in your brain where your sanity flips over like a breaker switch, then even your best efforts will seem for naught. This then makes your life unmanageable. It is as though there is a place where you are always rendered powerless, no matter how powerful you might be in other ways.
Only you can say if you are an addict. Addiction is more than compulsion: it demands abstinence from particular items (at least temporarily), whether they be made of sugar, white flour, or refined carbohydrates; or specific binge foods. Coming to terms with the idea that you are an addict is a huge thing, and should be treated with proper respect. Respect for your grief over the pain you have already caused yourself. Respect for the disappointment you feel at knowing you must abstain from certain substances in order to be free. Respect for the pain you are in now, as you allow yourself to open to many thoughts and feelings only now beginning to surface.
This is not a journey you should take alone. Perhaps you have a group of like-minded friends who in suffering what you have suffered can share the pain and power of this journey with you. A solitary path will only give more power to fear, while walking this path with others will give it the power and blessing of love. If you feel drawn to this course and want to dive into it more deeply, perhaps you have friends who wish to practice the lessons with you. Connecting deeply to other people is a connection to the divine.
Only the divine is more powerful than fear, rendering powerless that which has rendered you powerless. Only Divine Mind can restore you to your right mind. Every thought that you yourself can manage your addiction, or get on top of it or make it go away, is a thought that will only lead you in time straight back into your addictive behavior.
That is why the message here is not “Don’t think so much about food.” The message is “Think more about God.” And that is why you are building an altar. Through a powerful shift in your relationship to God, your relationship with food will begin to shift as well. But turning your life over to the divine is more than a kinda-sorta-sometimes thing. It is a full-throttle willingness to let go of everything—every thought, every pattern, and every desire—that blocks love from entering you and extending through you. It is not enough to just transform some of your thoughts, or even your body. You’ll get free, and remain free, only if you are willing to transform your life.
You will now begin to see how problematic situations that have little or nothing to do with food have everything to do with food, if they represent your blocks to love. It’s a subtle but very powerful shift from turning a particular situation over to God, to turning your entire life over to Him. Unless your entire life is turned over, and not just your excessive eating, then your compulsion will always find fertile soil in which to grow back.
Fear is like a thief with endless patience, casually circling your house in the belief that you will ultimately be careless enough to leave one of the doors unlocked. It will simply hide and wait. “It’s okay. So what if you’ve been eating and exercising so well for the last month. I’ll just wait till you get stressed over that situation at work, and I’ll put some sugar in front of you while you’re going through it.” It is that sly, that insidious, and that vicious. Your job is to post enough angels around your house that the thief cannot get in.
Reflection and Prayer
Closing your eyes, see your body infused with light. Every cell is filled with a golden elixir poured forth from Divine Mind. Angels are gathered around you as you allow yourself to release yourself fully into the field of the divine.
Hold this image for at least five minutes. Breathe out your burdens, and breathe in love’s miraculous power. See light pouring into your body. Continue to do this visualization, using it when any problem occurs to you.
The point is to not just release your weight to God, but to surrender everything to Him. And everything includes your body. For a minimum of five minutes, allow Divine Mind to have full and total access to your physical self. The imagery that emerges from this experience is the beginning of a process by which fear’s hold on your body imagery will be fundamentally, and ultimately permanently, dismantled.
When you walk to the kitchen, see Him walking with you. When you take a bite, surrender it to Him. Even if you overeat, surrender the experience to Spirit as you do so. “Dear God, I surrender this experience to you. Amen.” Do not fight yourself. Simply cleave to God.
God is not your judge but your healer. It’s not as though He’s been unaware of your patterns, or of your suffering. He has simply been waiting for this day, when you would invite Him to enter and to do what only He can do.
Dear God,
My eyes have been opened to the nature of my disease.
I am powerless before food, and I realize that now.
I surrender to You both my pain and my compulsion.
Please do for me what I cannot do for myself.
Dear God, please overpower my false appetites
and cast out my fear.
I thank You for Your love,
which I know has blessed me.
I thank You for Your blessing,
which I know will heal me.
And may my healing, dear God,
be of use to others
in whatever way that You direct.
Amen
