Toward & Away
Part of my spiritual and creative lifestyle involves seeking wisdom from books. I have studied religious texts for more than half of my life and, as a philosopher, bookworm, and student of humanity, also derive meaning and guidance from the fiction I read. Sometimes I need a quick refresher or answer from my books, so I turn to favorite verses or simply ask a question and open to a random page, paying keen attention to the personal significance of the first sentence that jumps out.
There was one year where I held the Bhagavad Gita, a traditional yogic text, close at hand. To my great amusement, no matter what question I asked or which page I turned to, the Gita responded with reminders about “nonattachment.” Never the same sentence twice, mind you. I must have found nearly every time that translator wrote the word “nonattachment” … It is one of the main themes of the Bhagavad Gita.
Nonattachment is central to any enlightened or creative path. In order to choose what is right, we often have to let go of what we want or what is easy. It is so hard to release our selfish desires that almost half of the five main hindrances center on that very theme. The obstacles of attachment (raga) and aversion (dvesha) create powerful disruptions in our peace of mind. Attachment is wanting, liking, or clinging, and aversion is not wanting, disliking, or avoiding. If we apply these principles specifically to our creative life, we can see how wanting a certain outcome from or appearance of our art can influence how much faith and enjoyment we apply to its creation. Being attached to or feeling dislike for certain outcomes, others’ reactions, or a particular process is distracting and stressful. This chapter explores attachment and aversion while supporting you on a path of stilling this pendulum between desire and disgust through action and acceptance.
You may be thinking, “Shouldn’t I move toward what I wish for and stay away from what I don’t?”
In action, yes. But not in thought. Stay present with what is; presence immediately limits most of the klesas’ impact upon your inner connection. The compulsion to move toward or away from something disrupts the mind because it is not a true path. Peaceful, measured action based on the inspiration of the creative soul has a very different sense than our petty attachments and aversions. In the beginning, especially if you don’t have much practice quietly watching your inner world, it can be difficult to discern a true calling from a compulsion. Try the following exercise to experiment with experiencing the subtle difference.
Exercise: Discerning Truth from Compulsion
Wise ones from many spiritual traditions believe that our true, creative Selves are continually communicating with us. Through subtle feelings, passing thoughts, and even “coincidences” in the world around you, spirit is passing messages. Consider the possibility that tuning out or ignoring these subtle cues is a form of self-betrayal. Read on to experiment with cultivating a more truthful communication.
Step 1: Think of a want that you have but know is not good for you, for example a certain relationship, lots of cookies, or cocaine. Watch the wanting happen within you to get as clear as possible about how it feels to want this.
Step 2: Grab an old magazine and rip out images that appeal to you. Spread them out in front of you and arrange them in ways that seem to tell stories or convey ideas. Notice the many different ways the images relate to each other (or don’t): color, theme, mood, shapes, etc.
Step 3: Why did you choose those images? You may not know the answers. Our creative inspiration flows from great mystery. No need to be “attached” to knowing. Notice how you feel when you look at them.
Step 4: It is likely that the harmful desires do not flow from the creative Self while the imagery is a mirror to a truth within us. Considering the feelings you noticed in step 1 and step 3, was there a difference? How were the qualities of emotions similar or different? What was different in your body? Your breath? Your thoughts? Write down the clues that indicate you are receiving guidance from your creative Self.
The true, creative Self is wise but subtle. On the other hand, attachments and aversions arise from our programming or past pain. As you continue this journey of removing the obstacles between everyday-you and your creative essence, you will enjoy a greater self-knowing and sense of balance in day-to-day living.
Balancing Action & Acceptance
Our attachments and aversions are typically created out of past experiences. The Yoga Sutras says these wants arise from things seen or heard about previously. They are a predetermined path. “I like these. I don’t like those.” Such points of view are programmed by our existing biases; we could say that is another form of karma playing out. Awareness, action, and acceptance are simple ways to break through these automatic reactions.
Attachment is clinging. We seek out what we think we want. In modern society, we are taught that attachment is a normal, even desirous, approach to life. However, the wise understand that seeking what we do not have is a path to misery and a clear obstacle to union with the creative soul.
The Bhagavad Gita, in its poetic approach, teaches that it is our duty to act in accordance with the truth of our soul, but we have no right to the results of that action. If we act with a narrow hope for a specific end, that attachment to a predetermined outcome creates karma and squelches creative possibilities. If, on the other hand, our choices arise from the calling of our soul and we act for action’s sake, not outcome’s sake, the intentional awareness helps neutralize karma. Acknowledging the meaning of the action itself, no matter how it turns out, allows the soul to shine through both actions and outcomes. Trusting the call of the soul and ourselves in the action, we can accept the end result. Trust yourself, do your best, then let it go.
Aversion is the mind, and by extension our actions, repelling something unwanted. It is sometimes called an attachment to hatred or disgust. Consider a person with cleanliness obsessions. This person appears to be grossed out by germs, but if we examine the state of mind, we see that it is wrapped up in thinking about those microbes. Even though one tries to get away from being dirty, the filth collects in the mind continuously. By removing the obstacle of aversion, we move beyond the readily available option (“I don’t like/want that”) to the transcendent option of acceptance. This latter option is not about changing the situation itself; rather, it is about how we interact with and perceive the reality. Act prudently, without attachment to the results—even if things turn out not how you want. By holding an intention of acceptance (or other spiritually based concept), we change our thoughts and release the hindrance. The following exercise gives you some practice in releasing attachments and cultivating acceptance.
Exercise: Letting Go of Attachments
This exercise helps you name the losses that go along with living more creatively. Be as specific as possible about the things you will miss (attachments) when you connect to your creative Self more deeply.
Step 1: Rest comfortably and, in as much detail as possible, imagine yourself living more creatively. See how you spend the average day. When do you get up/go to bed? What do you eat? Who do you associate with? When and what do you create? How does it feel? Are there other things you do with your spare time? You may draw on past attempts to follow your creative essence or completely make up a scenario. Notice how this ideal creative life is different from your current one.
Step 2: What losses come with living more creatively? What do you have to give up or let go of? What habits must change? What do you not have time for now that you are dedicated to self-expression and creative living? Notice what is lost when you don’t have these things anymore. Pay careful attention to how that feels. You may choose to express these potential losses through movement, imagery, or sound.
Step 3: What are you not willing to let go of or change? Be truthful now, even if you think you “should” be able to release it. Write these habits down. If you acknowledge what you are not ready to let go of, when it appears as an obstacle you can smile at it and either carry it with you or find a way around it. Do you see how this is also a form of acceptance? Imagine these habits as objects you carry with you through your creative life, as imagined in step 1.
Step 4: If you continue holding on to this habit or lifestyle choice, what are the potential costs of keeping it for the next five years? For each of the habits or lifestyle factors you recorded in step 3, record the “Potential Costs” on a new sheet of paper with that heading. Visualize yourself attempting to set it down and notice, five years later, what the costs of letting go are. Imagine yourself holding it for another ten years and the effects of continuing this habit. What happens if you attempt to set it down then? How about twenty, thirty, or fifty years down the road? For each of these future visualizations, record any additional potential costs, as well as why it is difficult to release these things. Continue accepting yourself, your habits, and your desires/dislikes.
Step 5: For each potential cost, on a new piece of paper write an affirming, healthy statement to counter it. Destroy the Potential Costs page, feeling the new affirmations or uplifting beliefs instead.
Step 6 (optional): Envision the version of yourself from step 1 standing alongside the you in fifty years who is still carrying these items. Imagine a conversation between the two of them. Does your creative Self have reasons to let any of the habits go? If the part of you carrying the stones is willing to release any of them, perceive yourself naming and throwing each one away. Notice the space and lightness that is created when this obstacle is flung off. You may decide to go to a nearby body of water, name stones for your attachments, and enjoy the satisfaction of tossing them safely and legally into the water.
Step 7 (optional): If you chose to release any of the habits, how were you able to do it? What feeling or belief made it possible? Is there anything you are willing to let go of right now? Then let it go! It’s okay. Accept that it just doesn’t mean that much to you—or that something else is more important—and let it go completely. If there are many, you may wish to pick just one, master its absence, then move on to the next.
Through the course of this exercise you had the chance to discern what are truly obstacles, things you need to let go of, and what are aspects that you do not wish to release (even though “on paper” they may not be best for you). You can come back later and add to that list as you continue the journey. Realize there may be other things that, even if you don’t like it, you aren’t ready to set down yet. That’s okay. Ultimately, the effect of those things, and what it takes to release them, may be a deep source of inspiration for your creative endeavors.
Now that you have some practice letting go of what you don’t need (even if you want it), you may be ready to face some of your addictive tendencies. We all have them; some of us to a greater degree than others. Continue accepting yourself as you read through the section on addictions and notice how it relates to various areas of your lifestyle and beliefs.
Addiction: Aversion Hiding in Attachment
Addictions are sometimes known as unhealthy attachments. Although we think of addictions as attachments to the substance of choice (alcohol, drugs, caffeine, sugar, salt, shopping, sex, love, exercise, etc.), addictions actually reveal aversions. Most people are not indulging in unhealthy behaviors because they enjoy them, even though a pleasurable experience is part of it. Rather, addictions get us away from what we don’t want to feel or experience: loneliness, anxiety, depression, etc. Thus, addictions tend to be more about aversion—moving away from uncomfortable feelings—than they are attachment. The impulse to seek the “good feeling” addictions temporarily bring is really a distaste for something deeply painful. However, we tend to become so obsessed with the object of our addiction that it helps us avoid the underlying aversion completely. We don’t feel the pain when we are high on wine, sugar, sex, gambling, shoes, cleaning, etc., nor do we feel the pain during the come-down, nor while repetitively seeking the addictive substance or behavior.
Creative people tend to be prone to addictions. This may be because of a tendency to be more sensitive to the world and our own emotions (think of the classic “poet’s soul”), because it is harder to fit into society with so many outside-the-box perspectives (which leads to a sense of isolation), or because of a false identification with the wounded artist archetype (e.g., Hemingway, Van Gogh). Whatever the reason, it is beneficial to explore the role of addictions—facing the aversions and unwinding the attachments—as we connect to the creative essence.
When we are caught in addictive patterns, there are many paths to freedom. You may seek help from a physician, alternative healthcare practitioner, counselor, or rehabilitation program. In addition to professional support (which this book cannot replace), you can work with the following yoga therapy technique. This technique looks at identifying and working with the unmet need and practice of channeling pain into personalized expression. Remember that fundamental attitude of acceptance as you move through the next exercise. This exercise can be especially powerful if you apply it during moments when the addictive urge is upon you. Facing our addictive tendencies, and choosing a creative outlet rather than ignoring or tearing down our authentic knowing, is an uplifting and potent way to harness creative power.
Exercise: Soothing the Unmet Need
When we feel compelled to turn to something outside of ourselves to meet an internal need, especially if that external substance causes some form of harm (on the lungs, liver, relationships, finances, etc.), we repeat karma rather than healing the needy place. This exercise helps you identify and begin to meet a deep, hidden need. Remember that when we express/create, we are releasing what was hidden inside.
Step 1: Notice what happens in your body when you are triggered to play out an addiction. Acknowledge the breathing pattern and thoughts/feelings that go along with being triggered. When you become very adept at this, you will begin to notice signs and symptoms minutes, hours, and even days before the acute addictive behavior is activated. If, on the other hand, you are not in touch with that sense, flag or dog-ear this page and set the exercise aside until a more relevant time.
Step 2: Represent the visceral, energetic, and emotional patterns with color and shape. I recommend using crayons. If it is difficult to draw, for whatever reason, switch to using your nondominant hand or even your teeth to move the crayon over the page. This expressive process will likely intensify the feelings during the time they move out of you.
Step 3: Use these intensified feelings to focus on a specific need crying out from within you. If you feel despair, you may need connection, hope, or gentleness. If you feel angry you may need to be heard, acknowledged, or reassured. If you feel lonely you may need touch, warmth, or a friendly ear. Write the need down. Don’t worry if you aren’t sure it’s the “right” word or feeling. You can repeat this exercise as many times as you wish. For now, trust the word(s) that is/are arising.
Step 4: On a fresh sheet of paper, use color and form to express soothing the need. Let your body (even if it’s your nondominant hand or teeth) move with the quality that helps meet the need. Take as much time as you need. You may even repeat this step a few times.
Step 5: Note the sense that came through your body, breath, thoughts, and emotions. What was the quality that helped meet the need? Write it down next to where you wrote the need itself. If there were multiple qualities, please do record them all.
Step 6: Review the soothing drawing(s). Notice the effect on your physical, energetic, and emotional self. Quiet your mind as you regard the externalized representation of soothing. Allow whatever feelings arise to wash over you without attachment or aversion—simply witness and let go as you allow this expression from your creative soul to bring solace.
Step 7: Settle into a meditative or relaxation posture with your soothing image nearby. Bask in the comforting feeling that meets the unmet need for as long as possible. If you fall asleep, all the better to process through this deeper layer. Notice that even if your solace involves others, your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs are within you. Trust yourself to cultivate and feed your wounded self this deep, soothing quality. When you imagine the soothing, it is fully present within you. This is the power of your creative soul.
Step 8 (optional): While holding the intention/quality that helps meet the need, dispose of the original drawing. Let this process symbolically represent letting go of that layer of pain.
This exercise guided you to harness your creative soul so that unmet needs could receive what they require. We often think that we need something from someone else in order to let go of past pain. The reality is that if they were going to give that to us, they probably would have already; we could carry this pain forever, waiting for someone else to free us. Instead, realize that everything you need is already within you. No matter how attached you are to an outcome or the amount of aversion you feel toward certain emotions/circumstances, the power of your creative essence is stronger. You are a force of nature. By cultivating the qualities that support your own healing and expressing both the pain and the soothing, you are on a strong path to recovery—by your own independent choice.
Attachment and aversion alter our peace of mind. Compulsions to move toward or away from what we think we know disrupt our inner balance. Feelings of desire and disgust are obstacles between us and the true Self. Continue choosing to connect to your creative Self when you notice a pressure to get or get away from anything. As soon as you accept the moment as it is, your creative mind will rule your perceptual senses. A wealth of inspiration may flow through that open space; creative opportunities abound! Go ahead and move toward what you want and away from what you don’t and let the mind stay present, outside of the outcome. Fear of the ultimate outcome is the topic of the next chapter.