Go away! Close the book, put it back on the shelf and walk away. Trust me. This book is not for the likes of you. This book is full of scary things that go RAAAARGGHHHHHH and slimy things that go SSSSSSSSSSSSSS and huge things that go STOMP and scuttly things that go CHOMP . . .

Do yourself a favor and put it down.

YOU’RE STILL HERE!

What did I just say?

Well, all right, if you insist. But I did warn you.

So, you know Wilf? Yes, you do. Yes, you doooooooo. That boy at school with pingy ears and scruffly hair and a head so full of ideas it’s like bubbles popping in a bubble bath.

He has a little sister named Dot who is very grubby and sticky and stinky—basically a person-shaped smell.

Remember now?

Anyway, one day Wilf was in the middle of updating his list of things he was scared of. This was his list:

All of a sudden, he heard a noise.

A sort of oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo noise.

And then a sort of yoooooooooowwwwwwllllllllllllllll noise.

And then a kind of awoooowoooowoooooowooooooooo noise.

Wilf looked at Dot. “What was that?”

Dot looked at Wilf questioningly. Actually, she looked at everyone questioningly because she had drawn wonky purple eyebrows on her forehead with a felt-tip pen.

Wilf went to his bedroom window and looked out.

Outside, in front of Alan’s house,1 Kevin Phillips, Alan’s right-hand man, who is also a dog, was sitting on the pavement howling.

“Ooooooooooooooooooooo,” he said.

“Yooooowwwwwwllllllllllllll,” he added.

“Awooooowoooooowoooooowooooooooo,” he observed.

Just then, Alan opened his front door and walked past Kevin on his way to buy a squiggly part for his latest evil invention.

“You’re a happy boy today!” said Alan.

“Awooooowoooooowoooooowooooooooo,” Kevin replied.

“Why are you so happy?” asked Alan.

Kevin flattened his ears and did a crouchy sort of shuffle and a very low “Oooooooooooooooooooo.”

Alan patted Kevin on the head, and Kevin shot up in the air and did a very high-pitched yelpy “Arolf!,” which took everyone, including Kevin, by surprise. Then he whined and shook his ear.

Wilf turned to Dot. “I don’t think he’s happy. I think he’s unhappy,” he said.

Wilf waited until Alan was out of sight, then picked up Dot and tiptoed downstairs.

Wilf opened the front door and he and Dot walked toward Kevin.

“Are you all right, Kevin?” asked Wilf.

“Yooooowwwwwwllllllllllllll,” replied Kevin sadly.

“Is something hurting?” asked Wilf.

“Awooooowoooooowoooooowooooooooo,” answered Kevin.

“Where does it hurt?” asked Wilf.

Kevin shook his ear again.

“I think we’d better take you to the vet,” said Wilf.

Hardly a day went by when Wilf’s mom didn’t take Dot to the doctor to have something removed from somewhere. A splinter from her bottom one day, a Smartie from her ear the next, a baked bean from her nose the day after that . . . So when the vet had examined Kevin it came as no surprise to Wilf that he had a prickle from a bush down his ear. It may well have been Dot who put the prickle there. Or perhaps the prickle had just decided to take a vacation in Kevin’s ear. Anyway, the vet removed the prickle and Kevin stopped mid-awoooowooooo to wag his tail and lick Wilf’s face.

Wilf and Dot and Kevin skipped, tottered, and lolloped home. As they turned the corner, they saw a very cross-looking Alan waiting for them.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he said.

“We’ve mended your dog,” said Wilf.

Kevin licked Wilf in agreement.

“He didn’t need mending,” said Alan. “He was absolutely fine.”

“He wasn’t totally fine, because he had a prickle in his ear,” said Wilf.

“I think I would know if my dog had a prickle in his ear,” harrumphed Alan.

“Yes, of course,” said Wilf. “It’s just that he was howling and shaking his ear and whining,” he explained.

“That’s what he does when he’s happy, you nincompoop,” said Alan.

“Really? Are you sure?” asked Wilf. “Because I thought—”

“OF COURSE I’M SURE!”

interrupted Alan in a very shouty way. “And if you don’t believe me, I will prove it to you!”

And he stomped off into his house with Kevin trailing behind.

And THAT was when the whole kerfuffle started.

1 Alan is Wilf’s neighbor and is the biddly boddly baddest man in the whole wide worlderoony.