I walk into the jungle. I am going to have to be brave. Very brave. Very very very bra—Aaaaaaaaaaargh! What’s that? Oh no oh no oh no. Heeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeee!
Oh, it’s OK, it’s just a twig. Keep going. Keep going. Don’t panic. Stay calm. Stay very ca—Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Noooooooooo! What’s that? It’s huge! It’s terrifying! It’s . . . just another twig.
Phew. OK. Carry on. You’re doing this for Wilf.
Because Wilf is your best friend and you love W—Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! What’s that? It’s right in front of me! It’s moving! I’m going to dieeeeeeee . . . Oh. Another twig. That’s a relief. Gosh. There are a lot of twigs in the jungle. Hang on a minute. That twig is giving me a funny look. That twig is following me! That twig isn’t a twig, it’s a stick insect! Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Help meeeeeeeeeeeeee! It’s a ginormous stick insect! It’s going to punch me! It’s at least five centimeters tall! I must run as fast as I can. What was it Wilf said to do? Tell myself jokes. OK, think, Stuart, think! What’s a funny joke? Oh, I know . . .
What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailor!
Oh, the twig is laughing. The twig likes that joke. It is a good joke. The twig is waving good-bye now.
Wow, that was close. OK. I’ve got to find the dung beetles. Where are the dung beetles? If I were a dung beetle, where would I be? I think the answer is to follow my nose. Ha ha. That’s a funny joke too.
Right, it can’t be much farther now. I must be getting nearer—Aaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh! Noooooooooooooo! Helpmehelpmehelpmehelpme! It’s massive and it’s green and . . . Oh, it’s a leaf. That’s a relief. Or a re-leaf. Ha ha. That’s another funny joke.
So, on we go. I must have walked meters and meters by now. This jungle is very big. And very scary. It’s lucky I’m so bra—Aaaaaaaaaaargh! It’s huge and it’s round and it’s right above me and it’s coming toward me and—Oh, it’s another leaf. Gosh. There are a lot of leaves in the jungle.
Oh yuck. I just stepped in some dung with thirteen of my fourteen feet. Urgh.
I’ll have to wipe them on some leaves. Shouldn’t have any trouble finding one of those. Wait a minute! Aaaaaaaaargh! What’s that? There’s hundreds of them! There’s thousands of them. They’re humongous. They’re coming for me and they’re . . . oh, just more leaves. Phew. But wait, there’s something underneath the leaves. Aaaaaaaaargh! Heeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeee! A gazillion army ants. Quick! Hide! Look busy! Scrunch up! No, tell a joke. Ummmmm.
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Oh, the ants are laughing. They think that’s a very funny joke. It is a very funny joke.1
“Hattention! Left turn! Company, halt!” said the sergeant ant. Serge-ANT. Another funny joke.2
The ants all turn and stamp and halt. It’s very impressive.
“’Ello, ’ello, ’ello. What ’ave we ’ere? A hinsect from hanother land,” says the Serge-ANT. He puts Hs where they aren’t needed and leaves out ones that should be there.
“I’m Stuart,” I say. “And I’m trying to find the dung beetles.”
“Ho, you are, are you? ’Ave you hany hidea ’ow dangerous this jungle his?” says the Serge-ANT.
“Yes, I know,” I say. “There are leaves and twigs and all sorts. But I have to do it because my best friends need rescuing.”
“Hin that case, we shall hescort you safely to your destination,” says the Serge-ANT.
“Oh, thank you so much!” I say.
“Company, right turn!” he yells. “Company, march. Left right, left right, left right . . .”
And the whole ant army leads me to the dung beetles, marching loudly through the jungle. It’s very exciting. And I don’t feel scared at all when I see a leaf or a twig.
When we get there, the ants all salute me and then march off back to their camp.
The dung beetles are massive. And I mean MASSIVE. The size of a fifty-pence piece! I am very scared, but, luckily, I have saved my best joke for last.
What do you do with a sick wasp?
Take it to the waspital!
Ha ha. That’s so funny!3
The dung beetles really laugh. Then I tell them about the Dung God being in danger and they are very upset. They tell me to scrunch up in a ball and they roll me all the way back to Wilf and Dot and Abi at top speed!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
