THERE ARE SEVERAL BASIC strategies you can use to intensify sexual responses and orgasms. Most important to recognize is that our brain is our greatest sexual organ. We can flood it with physical, cognitive, emotional, and pharmacological stimuli that may have additive effects on the intensity of orgasms. For women, combined stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, cervix, nipples, breasts, lips, and personal erogenous zones may intensify the frequency and strength of orgasm. Men describe additive effects on orgasm when penile stimulation is accompanied by stimulation of the scrotum, testicles, prostate, nipples, lips, and personal erogenous zones.
The effects of combined stimulation of these regions are cumulative, because the overall effect on our brain of stimulation of the diverse nerves that carry sensations from these organs may be additive. Combining this physical stimulation with mental imagery and fantasy may intensify the effect still more.
For most people, the ultimate aphrodisiac is true love, with heartfelt and mutual caresses and tenderness. Couples in love almost always report satisfying sexual relationships. Nothing can surpass the delicious fusing of mutual, true love and the passion associated with a nurturing physical relationship. Conversely, nothing leads to a breakdown of both love and the sexual relationship faster than disrespect and betrayal of trust.
YOU PROBABLY CAN’T. Both men and women do pretend to have orgasms. When doing so, they are probably convinced they will not experience an orgasm and they don’t wish their partner to think they are dissatisfied or are incapable of having this pleasurable experience. Faking is dishonest, but we should recognize that the intent is not to harm.
For men, because most of the time an orgasm is followed closely by ejaculation, faking is more difficult. A woman may notice that ejaculation did not occur. For women, orgasm may be experienced on many different levels and may occur with or without external signs. So, it’s difficult to tell whether a woman experiences an orgasm or not. Some women have one or more of the following physical indications of orgasm: retraction of the clitoral head (glans), increased breathing and heart rate, dilated pupils, vaginal muscle spasms, skin flushing, and sudden perspiration. However, not everyone shows these responses, and experiencing orgasm is a subjective feeling. The only way to know whether your partner truly has an orgasm is to engage in an honest discussion based on mutual trust.
NUMEROUS STUDIES HAVE SHOWN that women and men have different experiences leading up to orgasm, especially during penetrative sex. For example, for men, orgasm tends to be experienced as a single peak of intense pleasure, but for women it’s often a series of waves of pleasure. Differences in orgasmic pattern, plus individual differences in the time it takes to experience orgasm, create difficulties in attempting to coordinate them.
In Tantric sex, the partners practice gaining control over their excitement, which may help them synchronize and prolong their state of arousal. They learn to read each other’s body language and body signals and to be aware of their own and their partner’s phase of excitation, which helps them pace their own excitement and pace their erotic stimulation of their partner.
The same principle of paying attention to your partner’s state of sexual excitement in relation to your own state is, of course, applicable to all sexual interactions, Tantric or other. By learning your partner’s erogenous zones and pattern and timing of excitation, and by heeding your own pattern simultaneously, and with communication, practice, familiarity, and loving tenderness, the likelihood of experiencing orgasms simultaneously is increased. If the woman has prolonged orgasms, one strategy is for the man to wait until she starts to experience an orgasm and then allow himself to experience his orgasm in the midst of hers.
Of course, compulsively setting the goal of “achieving” orgasms simultaneously can be a sure formula for disappointment, frustration, and resentment if that goal is not “attained.” Better to heed and learn each other’s rhythms and enjoy whatever sexual interaction transpires, whether or not orgasms occur. This strategy may ultimately, unexpectedly, yield the delightful surprise of simultaneous orgasms.
MANY WOMEN SAY THAT they don’t experience orgasm through penetrative sex but only through clitoral stimulation. So, although they enjoy vaginal intercourse, they like the simultaneous sensation of clitoral stimulation. This preference may leave a woman’s partner in doubt as to whether she enjoys penetrative sex. Good communication—as always— may help dispel the partner’s concerns.
Some women enjoy a vibrator’s stimulation before or after having penetrative sex with their partner, because women are often physically capable of having several orgasms in succession. Women don’t experience the male-typical “refractory period” (a period after orgasm during which an individual can’t have another orgasm) and may wish to enjoy the sensation of clitoral stimulation preceding or following penetrative sex. A woman may also prefer the feeling of a vibrator during oral sex, when a man is stimulating her clitoris. The vibrator can be used to stimulate the G spot and other areas.
THE VAGINA HAS ELASTIC capability—it can dilate to accommodate a baby passing through it and constrict enough to provide friction to a penis. When the male partner says he thinks his partner’s vagina is not tight enough, this means that he would prefer greater frictional stimulation of his penis. Surgery of the pelvic region and childbirth may affect the “tightness” of the vagina. Also, some men become used to vigorous penile stimulation when masturbating. In this case, a man could relinquish masturbation and try to sensitize his penis solely to his partner’s vagina.
Alternatively, the woman can be more interactive during vaginal intercourse, such as by synchronizing her movements with her partner, and trying to grasp his penis with her pelvic floor muscles. The couple might also experiment with different positions to see which ones provide more intense stimulation.
Kegel exercises to increase the contraction strength of the pelvic floor muscles may provide a tighter grasp of the penis during penetrative intercourse. (For women who wish to try this, we recommend the instructions given at www.mayoclinic.com/health/kegel-exercises/WO 00119. See also “The importance of healthy pelvic muscles,” chapter 4 in Ladas, Whipple, and Perry’s book The G Spot and Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality.)
THE AVERAGE HUMAN PENIS is approximately four to six inches (thirteen to fifteen centimeters) in length when erect. When a woman says her partner’s penis is too small, she probably means that she is not getting the stimulation she desires. One of the easiest ways to increase a woman’s sensations is to use a textured (such as ribbed) condom.
For some women, increased clitoral stimulation may lead to more satisfying results, while others may prefer the penis to be aimed at their cervix or G spot. The use of a vibrator or dildo may be helpful, if both partners are comfortable with it. These strategies may help reduce the importance of penis size, as alternative forms of pleasurable stimulation are explored.
The woman might try doing Kegel exercises as a way to increase the vaginal grasp of the penis, which will simultaneously increase the intensity of her vaginal stimulation.
The devices and treatments that claim to enlarge a healthy man’s penis should be considered with great caution. We are not aware of any research that adequately demonstrates the benefits of such devices or treatments.
“ANAL SEX” TYPICALLY REFERS to insertion of the penis through the anus and into the rectum, but can include anilingus (oral stimulation of the anus), fingering, and use of sex toys, including vibrators and small dildos known as “butt plugs.” Some people seek to have anal sex because of the particular pleasure they derive from it. Others may do so for reasons such as avoiding pregnancy or preserving a sense of vaginal virginity.
This form of sexual activity is comparatively high risk, because of the relative ease of tearing the tissue of the anus and rectum, the risk of transmitting viral infections such as HIV, and risks associated with the high bacterial content of the rectum. The tissue lining the rectum provides little natural lubrication, so a personal water-based lubricant is often used with a tear-resistant condom during anal sex.
Some people report experiencing orgasms as a result of anal stimulation. There are probably three different sources of sexual stimulation produced by anal intercourse: sensation from the anus, the rectum, and, in men, the prostate gland. Each of these tissues sends sensory signals to the brain through different pairs of nerves—the anus through the pudendal nerves, the rectum through the pelvic nerves, and the prostate through the hypogastric nerves.
For some men, prostate stimulation produces an orgasm that they describe as “deeper,” more global and intense, longer lasting, and associated with greater feelings of ecstasy than orgasm elicited by penile stimulation only. These descriptions of orgasm are similar to women’s descriptions of orgasms in response to cervical and uterine stimulation. It’s plausible that the similarity in descriptions stems from the fact that the hypogastric nerves transmit sensory stimulation from the cervix and uterus in women and from the prostate gland in men.
In women, orgasms may be elicited from stimulation by way of any of the following nerve routes: from the clitoris through the pudendal nerves, from the vagina and cervix through the pelvic nerves, and from the cervix and uterus through the hypogastric (and probably the vagus) nerves. Stimulation of the G spot region may involve all of these nerves except, perhaps, for the vagus nerves. Because the anus and rectum also send sensory signals to the brain by way of the pudendal and pelvic nerves, respectively, it’s likely that these nerves convey the sensory signals that produce orgasm in response to anal and rectal stimulation, both in women and in men.
For those who are interested in engaging in anal sex, it’s important to consider your partner’s beliefs and comfort level. No one should be pressured or coerced to engage in this type of sex. Because of its relatively high-risk nature, a couple should be committed to a monogamous relationship before considering anal sex. A strong condom that is specifically designed for anal sex should always be used. To avoid injury, perhaps it’s advisable to start slowly, massaging the anal region, then inserting fingers to relax the anus, applying generous amounts of lubricant, and advancing gradually.
“DIRTY TALK” OR “TALKING sexy” is probably arousing because it helps a person fantasize, breaks cultural taboos, or creates a sense of exciting risk-taking. Your partner may find it difficult to experience orgasm without this increased stimulation. Unless there is mutual agreement about this, however, talking sexy runs the risk of offending, insulting, or even turning off one’s partner. A higher percentage of men than women find this talk stimulating, although many women do enjoy this type of interaction. Some women seem to get equally or more aroused by hearing endearing and loving words, rather than “dirty talk,” during sexual interaction (perhaps related to cultural pressure against their talking about sex). Some research suggests that “dirty talk” might encourage the partners to “act out” their fantasies, leading to unsafe sex practices. Most couples, we hope, have the wisdom to recognize the difference between safe fantasy talk and unsafe real-world experiences.
ONE OF THE FIRST things a sexual therapist is taught during training, and will convey to his or her clients, is that orgasm is an experience, not a goal. Considered in this context, many people have satisfying sexual experiences without orgasm. While some men and women have tried but have not experienced orgasms, others have never tried and have not felt the need to try. Still others have been orgasmic intermittently, wondering why the experience is not always available to them.
The causes and effects of these situations are likely to be different from one person to another, and they may be cultural, psychological, physiological, or some combination thereof. While there are many similarities between how men and women describe their orgasms, each person may experience orgasms differently and with different forms of stimulation, both physically and mentally. A man may ejaculate without feeling an orgasm or satisfaction, or he may experience orgasm without ejaculating and still derive pleasure and satisfaction from it. Each person is unique and experiences sexual responses in unique ways.
For couples intent on trying to experience orgasm, there are some paths to consider. First, you might start by seeing whether you can stimulate yourself to orgasm. For women, gentle rubbing on the clitoris could be the starting point. If you don’t want to touch your genitals, you could use a vibrator or even a flow of water. You could then combine this with stimulating different areas that many women find sensitive, such as the G spot. Try experimenting privately with your own body to see which areas bring you pleasure. This will help you find which combination may feel best and help with your experiencing an orgasm. You could also try stimulating your nipples, which are known to be erogenous for some women. Stimulation of the vaginal entrance also may contribute to erotic feelings.
Once a woman knows what brings her pleasure (even if she has not experienced an orgasm), she can guide her partner (verbally or nonverbally), communicating what she finds stimulating. Of course, the partner must be loving and gentle in such intimate interactions. Remember, nothing is a bigger turnoff than disrespect.
Men who have difficulty experiencing orgasm should probably try self-stimulation first. Stimulation of the penis by hand is usually sufficient. Some men find that stimulation with a vibrator is helpful. Try experimenting with other potential erogenous areas of the body, such as the scrotum, testicles, prostate, and nipples.
Some people feel uncomfortable about self-pleasuring or self-exploration. For these individuals, they might ask their partner to explore their body and discover together how various parts of their body respond to different stimulation. As each partner explores the other’s body, comfort, nonverbal communication, and discussion may develop. Make use of the discoveries to give each other pleasure. This may prolong your sex-play time and bring you closer to each other, even if you don’t experience orgasm.
Another exercise is to focus on different senses. For example, experiment with different aromas. For women, this could mean wearing a particular perfume that she wears only when in an erotic mood; for men, a particular cologne. Visual stimulation may also increase the chances of experiencing orgasm: a couple might look through an erotic magazine or watch a movie they both find erotic. Couples can play with texture, each partner applying different textures to the other’s body to see how they feel, which kind of touch is most relaxing, and which is most arousing. Often it is what couples say or don’t say that is the most erotic—try using arousing words or relaxing music. You might want to read to each other from books or poems that you find erotic. Finally, some people find it stimulating to involve food in their romance—feeding each other or putting whipped cream, honey, or chocolate syrup over the body, and then licking it off.
It may be helpful for partners, separately, to write down what they find pleasing, share the results with each other, and then destroy the written record so that the information is seen as very personal. If done with respect, each partner can understand and respond to the desires of the other. If you discover what arouses you and your partner, and use what you learn, it may help you stay focused during sexual experiences and may help you experience an orgasm.
For those who wish to seek help from a professional, the best starting points are the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR), and the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (BASRT), all of which have international members. All have a website you can visit.