Fear can be paralyzing until you’re able to recognize it as a part of you that is your friend. Fear then becomes a motivator and a way to learn more about yourself. Fears are a major part of the feelings you experience when you are in the pits of divorce.
Fear was my biggest obstacle. I was afraid of all the changes I had no control over, and at the same time, I was afraid nothing would ever change. My whole life was being influenced by my fears! I was afraid of being alone, and at the same time isolating myself, afraid of never really being loved again and yet pushing love away when it got too close… . I was completely stuck, paralyzed by my own fear… . It wasn’t until I admitted my fears, listed them and talked about them openly, that they lost their power over me.
—Jere
I spent thirty-three years as a homemaker, raising a large family. I had the security and comfort of upper-middle-class living. When I became a single parent, with responsibility for our youngest child and faced with the task of becoming self-supporting (with few if any marketable skills), I was literally paralyzed with fear.
—Joanne
The trail looks a bit intimidating, doesn’t it? Some would-be climbers are showing their fears with comments like these: “Don’t take that trail; you’ll fall off the side of the mountain!” “The trail is too steep. I’m afraid I can’t climb it.” “I don’t know what kind of wild creatures will jump out at me while I’m climbing.” “I don’t think I want to do this.” “I’m afraid of what I’ll learn about myself if I make this climb.”
Ending a love relationship results in fears of all kinds. Some are fears you didn’t know you would ever feel. Some are old fears you’ve had most of your life but had been successfully denying.
It’s easy to allow fears to immobilize you. You feel too afraid to make the climb and become almost paralyzed by your fears. A little fear can be motivating. But too many fears makes it difficult to function and to get on with your life. There are a couple of key things we’ve learned about fears that can be helpful in learning to deal with them.
The first is that fears not yet identified can be the most powerful. When you identify them, take a look at them, and face them, you’ll find they aren’t as scary and powerful as you thought. One simple thing you can do that really helps is to make a list of your fears. Identify the things you’re afraid of so you can get in touch with just what you’re feeling.
Another useful insight is that feared situations that you don’t face are the very ones that are likely to occur. If I’m afraid of being rejected, I find many ways of avoiding rejection. I may become a people pleaser, or become overresponsible, or avoid expressing anger. While these behaviors might appear to insulate me from rejection, they can actually increase my chances of being rejected. People sense I am not being real, honest, and authentic and may reject me for that.
Until we face our fears, what we are afraid of will most likely happen to us. So, as you become aware of your fears, it’s best not to deny them, but to face them openly. That alone may be enough to chase some of them away!
Let’s take a look at some of the common fears we’ve heard people express in the past. This discussion of fears that often come up in the divorce process will help you access and identify your own. As you read what follows, how many of these fears are you experiencing too?
One of the greatest fears is fear of the unknown future: “I don’t know what the trail up this mountain is like. I don’t know what I’ll learn about myself or about others. I can’t visualize how I’ll be able to make it as a single person.”
These fears about the unknown are based in our formative years. Like the ghosts you thought you saw when you woke up in the middle of the night as a child, the fear is real, but the objects aren’t really there; they’re figments of your imagination. You need to learn that you can face the ghosts of the unknown future, living one day at a time. You can learn to trust the process and know that you’ll eventually be able to face every new experience that occurs as you end your love relationship.
Another common fear is that of becoming a divorced person: “What will people think? They’ll discover what a failure I am. If I can’t work out the problems in my love relationship, what is there left for me? It’s as if I spilled food on my clothes while eating, and now everyone is shouting, ‘Look at that person who is so stupid and foolish that she spilled food all over herself!’ I feel embarrassed, awkward, found out, ashamed, and afraid people won’t like me anymore.”
It is also fearful to have others discover our family secrets. Often we haven’t thought about it, but many of our family secrets are not secret anymore: “When we were together, I could have a fight with my spouse, but no one knew about it. We felt ashamed of having problems in our marriage, but at least the whole world didn’t know about it then. When you separate, it’s hard to keep the kids’ teachers from knowing. Friends soon discover there is another phone number to reach my ex. The post office found out right away that her mail was to be forwarded to another address. The utility company had to be notified that the bill wouldn’t be paid until some of the financial decisions had been made. It seems everyone in the whole world knows about the dirty linen that only the two of us knew about before.”
Then there are fearful practical, financial, and legal matters: “I feel fearful because I don’t know how to make the decisions I have to make. What lawyer do I contact? What therapist will I go see? How do I decide which bills to pay when I won’t have enough money to pay them all? My partner handled the checkbook—how do I learn to manage the accounts? I don’t have any idea of how to have my car serviced. I’m sure the repair shop will take advantage of me because I never had to take the car in before. Just learning all I need to know so I can make good decisions is a full-time job. I’m too overwhelmed emotionally to care much about my car.”
“I am fearful about money. How can I make it financially when there are now two houses to maintain? I’m afraid I’ll be fired because all I do is cry at work. I can’t concentrate and do an adequate job. Why would anyone want to have me work for them when I’m so inefficient? I don’t know where I’ll find enough money to pay the bills and feed my children.”
And speaking of children: “I’m afraid of being a single parent. I’m barely functioning on my own, and I just don’t have the patience, courage, and strength to meet the needs of my kids by myself. I no longer have a partner to take over when I’m overwhelmed. I have to be there for my kids twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I want to crawl into bed and hide my head under the covers. I wish there were someone whose lap I could crawl up in, someone who would hold me, instead of me having to pretend I’m strong enough to hold my kids on my own lap.”
“I’m afraid of losing my kids. My ex is talking about filing for sole custody. I’ve always been the primary parent for my kids, and they say they want to be with me. But my ex has more money and is able to buy the things the kids want. I’m sure my kids will be swayed by the promise of so many material things that I can’t provide; surely they’ll want to live with him. If we have a custody hearing, what will my kids say? Will they talk about how distraught Mom is and that she’s too busy and upset to spend any time with them?”
“I’m afraid about whom to talk to. I need someone to listen to me, but will anyone understand? Most of my friends are married and have not been through a divorce. Will they gossip about what I share with them? Will they still be my friends now that I’m divorced? I must be the only person in the whole world feeling these feelings. No one else can possibly understand me when I can’t even understand myself.”
“I’m afraid of going to court. I’ve never been in court before. I thought only criminals or those who have broken the law go to court. I have heard the ‘war stories’ of what’s happened to others in court when they were going through a divorce, and I’m afraid some of the same things will happen to me. I know my ex-partner will find the best barracuda attorney around, and I’ll lose everything. I don’t want to be mean and nasty, but I am afraid I’ll have to be in order to protect myself. Why does the court have so much power over what happens to me, my family, my children? What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?”
And other common fears, of course, are simply about feelings: “I’m afraid of anger. I’m afraid of my own anger and of my partner becoming angry. As a child, I used to feel terror when my parents were angry and fighting. I learned to avoid being around anger. My ex and I never fought or showed anger in any way. I find myself feeling angry sometimes, and it really frightens me. What if I become angry? It would take away any chance of getting back together again. I feel angry a lot of the time, but it’s not safe or right for me to get angry.”
“I’m afraid of being out of control. The anger feelings are so great inside of me. What if I were like my parents when they got angry and lost control? I hear stories of people being violent when they are divorcing. Might I do something violent if I get out of control?”
“I’m afraid of being alone and living alone. If I’m alone now, who will take care of me when I am old? I have seen couples take care of each other and avoid going to a nursing home or retirement center. But with no one to take care of me, I’ll spend my old age alone. And what if I get ill? I might just die in my empty apartment and no one will know. There’s no one to take care of me when I’m ill, and no one to find me if I become so sick that I can’t function or call for help.”
“I fear discovering that I am unlovable. If my ex-partner, who knows me better than anyone, doesn’t want to live with me, I must be unlovable. How can I live the rest of my life alone and feeling unlovable? I was always afraid of being abandoned, and now I feel I have been abandoned. I’ve been discarded like a toy that isn’t wanted anymore.”
“I feel afraid I am becoming mentally ill. I feel crazy enough to be admitted to a mental hospital. I feel crazy enough that the idea of being taken care of completely in a psych ward, with even my meals provided, is almost appealing. Never before in my life could I imagine being crazy enough to think a psych ward would sound desirable. But it does in a way. I want to be little and have someone take care of me, even if I have to go to a psych ward to have it happen.”
“I’m afraid of being hurt even more than I have been hurt. I never knew I could hurt so much. The person I loved—and I thought loved me—has hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. I want to hide so I won’t be hurt anymore. I hurt so much, I find myself feeling numb, as though I have calluses on my feelings. I’m afraid I will crack and not be able to survive being hurt again.”
“I am afraid of change. What changes are going to happen to me? Will I have to move from my home? Will I have to find a new job? Will I have to make new friends? Will I have to make changes in myself and my personality in order to survive? These unknowns are pretty frightening; I don’t know what changes I will have to make as a result of this crisis.”
“The thought of dating and being with another person is so fearful that I don’t allow myself to even think about it.”
A few people deal with their fears by doing risky and dangerous things. They want to face their fears and find that taking risks allows them to feel their fears. As part of the divorce process, they will climb cliffs, drive their cars dangerously, or put themselves in other perilous situations that cause them to feel fearful. Rarely are such extreme behaviors productive. Instead of trying to push the limits of fear, it’s more valuable to let fear become a friend.
Therapists often ask those who are feeling a great deal of fear to think of the worst thing that could happen. Are you going to die from this crisis? Are you going to become ill? Are you going to be sent off to prison? Usually, the worst thing is that you’re going to live with a lot of hurt for a while. The most likely outcome is that the crisis will lead to being transformed and experiencing life in a deeper, more profound way.
Fear is a normal part of each of us, and we can make it a friend. It keeps us from taking unnecessary risks, putting ourselves in situations that are dangerous to us, exposing ourselves and becoming vulnerable. Without fear, we might not live very long, because we would expose ourselves to life-threatening situations. We need fear to help protect us. You suffer a physical burn from a fire and learn to respect and fear the fire; you know it can hurt you. The same thing is true with an emotional burn. When you’re hurt, you learn to protect yourself from becoming too intimate until you have healed the emotional burn.
Fear also can be a motivator. It can motivate us to develop coping skills in order to survive. It can motivate us to develop better defenses. It can motivate us to become stronger emotionally and physically. We can use fear as a motivator to work through the adjustment process. For example, you could say to yourself: “I don’t want to be in this much pain. I want to work through the process and overcome my fears.”
The best way to overcome fears is to allow yourself to feel them. You’ve heard the old adage: “The only way out is through.” You need to discover your fears, to be committed to overcoming them, and to use them as an avenue to understanding yourself better. The things you’re afraid of lead you to knowing yourself better.
You may, for instance, have fears about parenting and dealing with your children. Working through this crisis can result in you becoming a far better parent than you were before. Facing and dealing with your fears allows you to have more time and energy to devote to personal growth, career development, building better relationship skills, becoming a better parent.
When you are feeling fear, it can help a lot to pay attention to your body so you can determine where you are experiencing the fear. Most people experience fear in the solar plexus—that area just above your belly button. But you can feel it elsewhere, such as an accelerated heartbeat or tension down the backs of your legs. Identifying where in your body you are experiencing fear helps you to accept and start to deal with the fearful feelings.
Here’s an exercise that can help. Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down and do some deep breathing. Breathe in as much air as you can. Fill your lower lungs with air by doing belly breaths—inhaling deeply into your abdomen and exhaling slowly. Get the oxygen flowing in your blood, especially to your head.
Now relax. Allow all the muscles in your body, from your toes to your forehead, to release tension and become deeply relaxed. Keep breathing deeply as you relax more and more fully. Close your eyes for a few minutes and imagine yourself in a very calm, relaxing place (on the beach, in a mountain meadow).
Then begin to visualize your fear. Think: Is this fear life-threatening? Where did I learn this fear? Is it a present concern or a remnant from my past? For example, when my ex is expressing anger toward me, does it remind me of how fearful I felt when my father became angry when I was a child? Does my fear remind me of a time when I was emotionally or physically hurt in the past? What would be an appropriate action for me to take when I am feeling this fear? Is the fear I am feeling going to overwhelm me, or can I use it as a method of better understanding myself?
Keep breathing deeply as you consider these questions. Come “back to the room” slowly and open your eyes when you’re ready. Use this deep relaxation exercise often, as a way to discover more about your fears and to deal with them more effectively. Processing fear in this way will help you allow fear to become your friend and help you take more control of your life. The more choices you can make, the less fear will control you.
Of course, one session of deep relaxation won’t cure your fears. You’ll need to keep at it, practice relaxing regularly, face those fears as best you can and “work through” them. If they’re overwhelming you or keeping you from getting on with your life, seek professional help. Ask your minister, rabbi, imam, physician, or trusted friends for a referral to a licensed psychologist or family therapist.
You can experience a great deal of personal growth and transformation because of the crisis of ending your love relationship. Facing and overcoming your fears can help you turn the crisis into a creative experience.
After I told my eight-year-old daughter I was leaving, I went to pack my clothes. When I came back to kiss her good-bye, she was hiding under the bed. She was so scared, she doesn’t remember this and denies to this day that she was hiding.
—Bruce
Imagine the fears children feel when their parents divorce! Their whole world is threatened: “Do my parents still love me? Where will I live? Will I go with Mommy or with Daddy? What will my friends think? Will I even have any friends? What’s going to happen to me?”
Children often fear that they’ll be left alone: “Mommy is leaving me; will Daddy leave too?” “I didn’t have anything to say about my daddy moving out. I wonder when my mommy will move out and leave me all alone.”
As introduced in the last chapter, the message we need to give our kids is that parents may divorce each other, but they will never divorce their children. The marriage may end, but parenting is forever. Reassurance on this point, in words and actions, is extremely important at this time.
Fears are extremely powerful. Children, like adults, can learn to identify their fears, talk about them, and handle them more comfortably. All of us need to recognize that it’s okay to be afraid; everybody is sometimes.
Incidentally, the relaxation and deep breathing methods described in this chapter are very valuable for kids too. If they learn them early, they can apply them in all kinds of life situations that bring up anxiety and fear (like exams, or public speaking).
Here is a checklist to help you determine if you have completed this part of the journey. It will be hard to really climb the mountain of adjustment until you have become courageous enough to deal with your fears.