Introduction to the Fourth Edition
Relationships, They Are A-Changin’
Chapter 1: The Rebuilding Blocks
Denial: “I Can’t Believe This Is Happening to Me”
Adaptation: “But It Worked When I Was a Kid!”
Loneliness: “I’ve Never Felt So Alone”
Friendship: “Where Has Everybody Gone?”
Guilt/Rejection: Dumpers: 1; Dumpees: 0
Grief: “There’s This Terrible Feeling of Loss”
Letting Go: Disentangling Is Hard to Do
Self-Worth: “Maybe I’m Not So Bad After All!”
Transition: “I’m Waking Up and Putting Away My Leftovers”
Openness: “I’ve Been Hiding Behind a Mask”
Love: “Could Somebody Really Care for Me?”
Trust: “My Love Wound Is Beginning to Heal”
Relatedness: “Growing Relationships Help Me Rebuild”
Sexuality: “I’m Interested, but I’m Scared”
Singleness: “You Mean It’s Okay?”
Purpose: “I Have Goals for the Future Now”
Freedom: From Chrysalis to Butterfly
Chapter 2: Denial: “I Can’t Believe This Is Happening to Me!”
Why Did It Begin in the First Place?
Chapter 3: Fear: “I Have Lots of It!”
Allowing Fear to Become a Friend
Your Children Are Even More Scared Than You
Chapter 4: Adaptation: “But It Worked When I Was a Kid!”
Healthy and Unhealthy Adaptation Strategies
The Bridge Across Responsibility
Feelings Underneath Adaptive Behavior
Making Peace with Your Inner Critic
Homework to Help You Take Charge of Your Life
Chapter 5: Loneliness: “I’ve Never Felt So Alone”
Chapter 6: Friendship: “Where Has Everybody Gone?”
It’s Not Time for Romance Yet!
Chapter 7: Guilt/Rejection: Dumpers: 1; Dumpees: 0
A Little Guilt Goes a Long Way
“Maybe I’ll Come Back After All”
Chapter 8: Grief: “There’s This Terrible Feeling of Loss”
A Fable of Grief: The Check Mark
Stages of Grief: The Work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Chapter 9: Anger: “Damn the S.O.B.!”
The Three Phases of the Anger Rebuilding Block
Push-Button Anger: What Triggers Yours?
Appropriate vs. Inappropriate Anger
Scapegoats, Martyrs, and Anger
Venting Divorce Anger vs. Expressing Everyday Anger
What Can You Do with All That Divorce Anger?
Beyond Divorce: Expressing Your Everyday Anger
Taking Responsibility with “I-Messages”
Only You Can Prevent Relationship Fires
Chapter 10: Letting Go: Disentangling Is Hard to Do
What Is This Thing Called “Disentanglement”?
Helping the Children to Let Go
Chapter 11: Self-Worth: “Maybe I’m Not So Bad After All!”
Eleven Steps to Greater Self-Esteem
Children Have the Most Fragile Self-Concepts
Chapter 12: Transition: “I’m Waking Up and Putting Away My Leftovers”
Healing the Influences of the Family of Origin
Healing the Influences of Childhood
Rebellion: The Rocky Road to Adulthood
The Stormy Seas of the Power Struggle
Calming the Rough Seas of the Power Struggle
Homework to Ease Your Transition
Chapter 13: Openness: “I’ve Been Hiding Behind a Mask”
“Let’s Do Lunch: My Mask Will Call Your Mask”
Are You Ready to Take Off Your Mask?
Homework to Help You Move from Masks to Openness
Chapter 14: Love: “Could Somebody Really Care for Me?”
Unconditional Love: “Warts and All”
Let Children Know They Are Loved
Chapter 15: Trust: “My Love Wound Is Beginning to Heal”
There Are Relationships…and Then There Are Relationships
Styles of Relationship: A “Body-Sculpture” Exercise
A-Frame Dependency Relationship
Boardinghouse: Back-to-Back Relationship
Is Your History Repeating Itself?
Chapter 16: Relatedness: “Growing Relationships Help Me Rebuild”
What Is a Growing Relationship?
Why Are Some People More Likely to Create Growing Relationships?
Passionate Emotional Relationships
Friendship and Therapeutic Relationships
Can a Growing Relationship Last?
“Why Do I Have to Have So Many?”
Making Your Primary Love Relationship a Growing Relationship
Learning Good Communication Skills
Do You Need a Growing Relationship?
Homework for a Growing Relationship
Chapter 17: Sexuality: “I’m Interested, but I’m Scared”
“I’m Glad You Asked That Question”
Can We Talk About It? Open Communication About Sex
Roles and Rules: Who Does What to Whom?
Chapter 18: Singleness: “You Mean It’s Okay?’
Were You Ever Really Single Before?
“I’m Glad to Be Single Again…or Am I?”
Chapter 19: Purpose: “I Have Goals for the Future Now”
Looking at Your Past, Present, and Future Life
Your Lifeline: An Exercise in Setting Goals
Your Lifeline: The Near Future
Your Lifeline: The Long-Term Future
Chapter 20: Freedom: From Chrysalis to Butterfly
The Air Is Pretty Thin Up Here
Appendix A: Kids Are Tougher Than You Think: The Rebuilding Blocks Process for Children
Thoughts on Children and Divorce
A Good Divorce Is Better Than a Bad Marriage
The Effects of Parental Adjustment on Children
Rebuilding Blocks for Children
Appendix B: The Healing Separation: An Alternative to Divorce
What Are the Purposes of a Healing Separation?
Who Should Consider a Healing Separation?
Dumpers and Dumpees Again: The 80/20 Rule
Guidelines for a Successful Healing Separation
Is This a Healing Separation or Denial?
Checklist for a Healing Separation
Appendix C: Contract for a Healing Separation
A. Commitment to a Healing Separation
B. Goals of Our Healing Separation
C. Specific Decisions Regarding This Healing Separation
3. Personal Growth Experiences
4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship
8. Children Involved in This Relationship
Appendix D: Rebuilding Blocks for Widows and Widowers