When you’re first separated, it’s normal to be extremely fearful of sex. During the adjustment process, you can learn to express your unique sexuality according to your own moral standards. Some singles follow a conventional moral code: no sexual relationships outside of marriage. Others enjoy singles culture and adopt its emphasis on authenticity, responsibility, and individuality. It’s time to discover what you believe. (Whatever you decide, remember that if there is to be any sex, it must be safe sex.)
Being Divorced and Middle-Aged Is:
Not taking out the garbage for fear you’ll miss that obscene phone call…
Standing out in the middle of the dark parking lot and shouting, “Hey you muggers, the muggee is here!”…
Telling the guy who frisked you and demanded all your money that you have no money, but if he’ll frisk you again, you’ll write him a check…
Putting a sign on your gate that reads, “All trespassers will be violated”…
Looking under the bed and hoping someone is there.
—Lois
Everyone looks forward to this portion of the climb with great expectations. You may even have jumped ahead to read this chapter first. Maybe you have been anticipating this discussion of sexuality ever since the introduction to the rebuilding blocks in chapter 1. Either way, we urge you to slow down, take a deep breath, and try to put sex in its proper perspective. (At least read chapter 1 first!)
We’d like to open this chapter by acknowledging the very wide range of attitudes and beliefs people hold about sex. We know that views span a spectrum, from “no sex outside marriage” to “if it feels good, do it.” Sexuality and morality are closely connected in our society, and we respect those who have adopted a strong moral position as well as those who have chosen nonconventional lifestyles.
A very large percentage of those who take part in our divorce seminars do so under the auspices of a faith-based organization, and many faiths maintain that a sexual union belongs only within the committed marriage relationship. Some who agree with that view may find portions of this chapter offensive. We regret that, but we would consider it irresponsible to ignore a subject so central to the concerns of people going through the divorce recovery process.
Because we believe that decisions in the realm of sexual morality are very personal, we have elected not to take a position on the moral issues involved. In short, we do not advocate sexual relationships after divorce, nor do we condemn them. Whatever your own stance, we believe you’ll find this chapter a useful examination of the issues involved in developing a sexual relationship—or not. (Still, some readers may prefer to skip this chapter.)
I’ve had a conflict about having sexual relations while I am single. One part of me says that sex is important to my personal growth, and the other part says that I feel guilty having sex with a woman I’m not married to. What do I do?
—Tom
On this part of the climb up the mountain, you’ll want to find your own pathway. Each of us has an individual morality that will largely determine our direction. Because this area requires an effort not only to climb, but also to find your way, you may feel more hesitant and less confident. Take your time and make sure the path you choose really suits you. Of course, you can change paths if one isn’t working for you. But some people have paid a tremendous price—emotionally and physically—because they experimented with behavior that was not really compatible with their own values.
There are three typical stages in this rebuilding block: lack of interest; the horny stage; and the return to normal. Each of the stages has powerful effects on the adjustment process. However, not everybody going through the divorce process goes through all three stages of the sexuality process. Some people do not go through the lack of interest stage, and some do not experience the horny stage. However, the stages are very common occurrences that need to be recognized.
You had a sexual relationship—for better or for worse—for all those years you were married, but now your relationship partner is no longer available. You are faced with all of the emotional and social adjustments of ending a love relationship, including what to do with your sexual desires.
When you were married, did you wonder if all those “free” singles were the sexual athletes they were rumored to be? And did you fantasize about what it would be like to have a date with a different and exciting person each night of the week?
Now you are single. (We trust that, by this point on the trail, you have accepted the reality of your situation.) Look at the people around you. Many are spending evenings alone. Many are out pretending to have fun when in reality they are just plain bored. You may find yourself spending an evening with a person who makes your ex look attractive and desirable—and you never thought anyone could be worse than your ex. And everyone you know seems to be going out with someone and then breaking up—you can’t even keep track of who is dating whom. The contrast between your fantasy of the wild single life and what it actually is adds greatly to the trauma of divorce.
Take heart: The first part of this sexuality climb is the steepest and most difficult; it gets easier after you become accustomed to being single. You have not been “out on a date” for years, and the first person you ask turns you down. You attend a singles party petrified that no one will ask you to dance—and equally petrified that someone will. At the first contact with the opposite sex, you feel like an awkward junior-high kid on a first date. And wow! If someone should make a pass at you…well, the thought is enough to make you stay home, alone, forever.
Just what is appropriate behavior for an adult who hasn’t dated in years? There may have been rules and chaperons at your gatherings when you were a teenager. Your parents probably told you what time to be home. Now you have no one to set the limits but yourself, and your feelings are so confused and uncertain that you can’t even rely on them. You envied the freedom of singleness, and now you would give anything to have the security of marriage again. And what about the moral and health issues involved?
Later on in the process, when you’ve found your individual pathway, things will be more comfortable. After you have overcome your confusion and uncertainty, you’ll find that you can express yourself through dating and relationships with the opposite sex. There may be a freedom that you didn’t have when you were a teenager doing what was expected of you—or what was not expected.
Sex can be, for many people, a difficult—even awkward—subject to discuss with others. In the Fisher divorce seminars, sexuality is one of the last of the sessions, to give people time to become comfortable discussing these personal and emotional issues. To help participants become more comfortable, they’re asked to write down their questions about sexuality—you know, the ones they’ve always wanted to ask but were afraid to—and the facilitator reads the questions aloud to ensure anonymity. Questions that come up frequently give us insights into the concerns of formerly married people.
A few examples from recently separated people:
Those farther along in the recovery process ask other questions:
The adjustments resulting from the changing sex roles cause difficulty for both men and women:
Questions about kids can be difficult too:
Many formerly married people are frightened about AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs):
Formerly married people have many understandable concerns about sexuality. These questions reflect only a few of their anxieties. Dorothy reflected the emotional impact of sexuality, reporting, “I became extremely depressed last week when I realized I was forty years old, divorced, and might never get laid again!”
We don’t claim to have answers to all these questions, but we think this chapter will help you clarify your own issues around sexuality.
The first stage of the process, while you are in deep grief, is a lack of interest in sex, or maybe a complete inability to perform sexually. Women tend to be completely uninterested in sex; men are often impotent. Just when you are feeling a great deal of emotional pain, the fact that you are uninterested or unable to perform sexually adds to the pain. Many people say, “I was already hurting so much, and now I find that I can’t perform sexually. It feels like hitting rock bottom.” When they learn that it is perfectly normal and natural to be uninterested in sex while in deep grief, they feel greatly relieved.
I became so horny after my separation that I called my friend asking for suggestions of what I could do. Having sex with someone I was not married to was out of the question for me.
—Raquel
Somewhere along the divorce process, perhaps near the end of the anger rebuilding block, you get through the stage of not wanting to or not being able to perform sexually. At that point, you will probably go to the other extreme and reach the horny stage. Your sexual desires may be greater than you have ever known in your life. It is almost frightening. Because the needs and desires of this stage are so strong, it is important to understand your feelings and attitudes as much as possible.
Among the many feelings present in the horny stage is a need to prove that you are okay, personally and sexually. It is as though you are trying to solve not only your sexual problems, but all of the other rebuilding blocks as well, using sex as the method. You are trying to overcome loneliness, to feel lovable again, to improve your self-concept, to work through some anger, to develop friendships—and all of these things are concentrated in the sexual drive. It is as though your body is trying to heal itself through sexual expression alone. Some folks find their behavior at the horny stage to be somewhat “compulsive” because of this.
One-night stands are one way people try to deal with the horny stage. We see this approach commonly portrayed in books and movies about divorce. The need to go out and “prove that you are okay” may be so great that some people will do something sexually that they have never done before—without much thought for the moral or health issues.
Another important understanding about the horny stage is that there is a great need for touching during this period. As you go through the divorce process, you will probably experience a heightened need to be physically touched. Touch has remarkable healing qualities. Depending upon the warmth and closeness of your relationship, you likely received much physical touching in your marriage. Now that touching is not there anymore, many people will try to meet their need for physical touch with sex, not realizing that there is a very real difference between physical touching and sexual touching. Although the two are entirely different, you can resolve much of your need for sexual contact by getting the physical touching that you need in nonsexual ways (such as hugs, massages, holding hands, walking arm in arm).
You can resolve the needs of the horny stage by methods other than direct sexual contact. If you understand that a part of the compulsive drive behind the horny stage is to prove that you are okay and to feel good about yourself again, then you can work directly on that. Building your identity and self-confidence and understanding that you are lovable can overcome the loneliness and take away some of the pressures of this stage. And if you can reach your “quota” of hugs, this will also take away some of the pressures. Together, these steps may go a long way toward resolving your needs at this difficult time.
The stereotype about the divorced person being an “easy mark” sexually results from the horny stage. During this period, the divorced person may indeed be an “easy mark,” as the sex drive is tremendous. Many people going through the divorce process have sexual relationships somewhat promiscuously—not a recommended practice in the age of widespread herpes, chlamydia, HPV, HIV, and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Sex in our marriage was not good. We separated and experienced sexual relationships with other people. Then when we came together again, we were surprised that sex with each other was good. It seemed to free us to be apart and to be with others.
—Mike and Jane
Eventually, you will overcome the horny stage and transition to the third stage of postdivorce sexuality, in which your normal sex drive resumes. (There is, of course, a great deal of variation in sex drive from one person to another, and remember that not everyone experiences all three stages.) Because the horny stage is so compulsive and so controlling, people often find it a relief to return to their normal level of sexual desire.
During the early stages of the sexuality process, you do what you should do; then you start doing what you want to do. Most people going through divorce experience the evolution of becoming free sexually, in the sense that they are suddenly aware of who they are and what their sexual nature is. This is another growth aspect of the divorce process.
Most people were sexually monogamous in marriage because that is what they believed they should be. Then when they go through the horny stage, they may have many sexual relationships. Finally, they decide to be monogamous again because this is what they want to be.
Consider the impact of this process on future love relationships. The need for sexual experience outside of a committed relationship is much less when one arrives at this third stage. As long as you are in the should mode sexually, there is always the temptation to do what you should not do. But when you reach this third stage—doing what you want to do and expressing who you really are—the temptation for sex outside a love relationship is greatly diminished.
I’ve agreed with everything you have said until now, but when you state that experiencing sexual relationships while single can be a personal growth experience, I have to strongly disagree. Sex is sacred and should occur only between two people in a sacred marriage.
—Father John
We have blown sex out of proportion in our society, perhaps because we hid it and denied it for so long. The “media view” of sex appears not to have much to do with the real world. Advertising is full of sex in order to sell products. Youth—and the supposed beauty, aliveness, and sexuality of youth—is revered. With such a daily overdose in the media, it’s tough to keep a realistic perspective on sexuality when it comes to love relationships and marriage.
Usually missing from popular depictions is the spiritual dimension of human sexuality. Sex is one way of transcending our normal means of expressing ourselves, and it allows us to show our love and concern for another person in a very special and positive way. Sex can be a method of transporting oneself to levels beyond the everyday, to become something greater than what one normally is. But this spiritual dimension that is present in sexuality is also present in overcoming anger, in our ability to communicate, in learning to like another person, and in learning to accept and deal with all of the human emotions. Sexuality, when placed in perspective, may be seen as only one of the many normal healthy elements of our connectedness with our fellow humans.
Our society, with its historical roots in religious belief, has traditionally placed great emphasis on having a sexual relationship only with a marriage partner. Yet the messages we receive are mixed and quite confusing. Many divorced people are amazed to learn that they can have very enjoyable and beautiful sex without being in love with the person. Those who hold more traditional beliefs may feel a great amount of guilt if they have nonmarital sex. And there are a number of people who have adopted a morality concerned only with not catching a disease and not becoming pregnant.
Healthy divorce adjustment requires that you grow beyond an undue emphasis on physical sex and arrive at the point where you can understand the beauty of your sexuality as a special way of sharing and communicating with another person. A personal style of sexuality that is (a) a genuine expression of your individuality, uniqueness, and morality, (b) equally concerned with the needs and well-being of your sexual partner, and (c) not hurtful to anyone else or the larger community is socially responsible, self-fulfilling…and human.
Each person has to develop a personal and individual sexual morality appropriate for her or his own beliefs, values, personality, background, attitudes, experiences, and partner. Many people will choose to have no sexual relationships outside of marriage—a very appropriate choice for them. Others may find sexual experiences an effective way of appeasing postdivorce sexual desire and of healing themselves after ending the love relationship.
Most divorced people are comfortable with only one sexual relationship at a time. In fact, the evidence seems pretty clear that most people need an emotional relationship to support a sexual relationship.
When two people have communication, trust, understanding, and respect for each other, they are comfortable having a sexual relationship, if that is within their moral value system. If you are able to reach this level of self-actualization in your sexual relationship, you will find less need to have relationships outside of marriage if you remarry in the future.
Let’s now look at some of the other adjustment problems you may experience as you end a love relationship and enter the formerly married culture.
Women often complain that all men are interested in is going to bed with them. Yet we find that very few formerly married people are genuinely able to enjoy cheap and casual sex. There are, unfortunately, many people in our society who have not developed ways of interacting with the opposite sex beyond the sexual arena. It can be and often is the easiest avenue open for contact and, after all, it’s one where the potential payoff is great, if temporary. Nevertheless, there are many aspects of relationship other than the sexual component, and your life will be so much richer if you fully develop your range of choices. (In the previous chapter, we looked at developing friendships with the opposite sex that are nonromantic and nonsexual.)
It is interesting to note that, in our seminar questionnaires asking people what they would most like to talk about, the number two choice (after relationships) differs between men and women. In almost all cases for women, the second choice is sexuality, and in almost all cases for men, the second choice is love. Surprised? There’s more. Not only are women more interested in talking about sex, they are much more comfortable talking about it than men are. After one session on sexuality, Burt confided that he went home and was unable to go to sleep because he was so shocked by how freely the women in class had talked about sexuality.
We believe that openness is a very healthy style of interaction with others. (You’ll recall our discussion in chapter 13 about dropping our masks and being more open in our communication.) Sexuality used to be virtually impossible to talk openly about, so people were prevented from understanding and dealing with their sexual attitudes and feelings. Now, because of greater openness in our society, we are able to understand and develop our sexual feelings just as we understand and develop all of the other human emotions we feel.
Openness in sexual matters leads to another avenue that is very freeing. When you are dating within the society of the formerly married, you can discuss sexual concerns openly and early in your relationships, minimizing all of the little games revolving around “Are we going to bed or not?” Many of the dating relationships that you have will never include sexual intimacy; it will simply not be appropriate. Discussing this and getting it out in the open frees you to allow the relationship to develop more naturally and normally, free of the games that go along with not knowing where you stand sexually with the other person.
If you are early in the rebuilding process and the idea of having a sexual relationship is extremely frightening, you can share this with the other person: “I really need to get out and be with a friend, but anything beyond friendship is more than I can stand emotionally at this point.” You’ll be surprised at the favorable response from others after you have openly shared like this. Most will understand and accept you because they, too, have gone through painful breakups, if not a divorce, and have experienced some of the same feelings themselves.
There are a considerable number of lonely—even desperate—people who introduce another problem into the culture of divorced people in which they now find themselves. They make the whole problem of sexuality even more difficult because they are basically looking for somebody to use. If you are a kind and caring person, seeing all of the needy people around you may tempt you to help them meet their needs, some of which may be sexual.
The great loneliness and neediness found in the postdivorce culture causes special adjustment problems for those who are caught in the compassion trap—the desire to nurture and give to others in response to their apparent needs. If you tend to be that way, you will have to learn to be somewhat selfish. (In this case, “selfish” is also arguably the responsible path.)
There is no way you can meet the needs of all those who are desperate and lonely. You must meet your own needs and take care of yourself first, and you must do so without using other people or allowing others to use you. Do everything you can to feel good about yourself and to grow within yourself so you can become as complete and whole as possible, overcoming your own loneliness and neediness. That will provide you a solid foundation for future relationships, as well as for helping others who are in genuine need.
Another big problem for many people entering the postdivorce dating pool is the question of rules. You may feel as if you are a bewildered teenager, not exactly understanding and knowing how to behave. Attitudes and social mores around sexuality have changed so rapidly in recent years, hardly anyone can keep up. Set rules of conduct for romantic partners and fixed roles for each gender are a thing of the past. By the time you read this, in fact, things will have likely changed from the time it was written!
The key to these changes is developing the freedom to be yourself. Of course, freedom to be yourself is very difficult to achieve if you don’t know who “yourself” is! You’ll need to find your way, follow your own values and moral code, become open and honest about who you are, and express your unique individuality as much as possible.
If there ever were “rules” for dating, they are no more! Gender roles are in flux, with both women and men acting as initiators in everything, including sex. In the discussions of sexuality in the Fisher divorce seminars, both genders are asking how the other feels about who makes the first move in sexual contact. Heterosexual men often say they find it very freeing to have the woman be the initiator. They have had to deal with fears of rejection from women all of their lives, and they say it feels good now to have women deal with the risk of being turned down—they feel free from the burden of being the initiator all the time. And women are ready to take the lead.
Despite such comments from men, however, women report that in the real world, some men are still unsure how to respond to assertive women. Although men say they like to be asked out, often they are uncomfortable when the actual situation arises. It appears that, intellectually, men like women to initiate; but emotionally, men have more difficulty handling sexually assertive women.
Women report confusion also. Women who say they would like to ask men out often get cold feet when the time comes. It’s not easy to dismantle old roles and try out new behaviors when you are rebuilding after the loss of a relationship. On the other hand, it is an opportune time to do exactly that. Everything else in your life is changing. Evolving gender roles and sexual mores are resulting in more equality between the sexes and more freedom for individuals to be themselves.
But nothing stays the same; we see the pendulum of social mores swinging back and forth. It’s not a smooth road, and periods of rapid social change cause much uncertainty and confusion. Now more than ever, perhaps, it is necessary to know yourself, to adopt values that are both self-fulfilling and respectful of others, and to act in accordance with those values.
If you have decided to be open to new sexual relationships, let us pass along a couple of words of advice: be safe!
Safer sex is really important. HIV and other sexually transmitted conditions have had a major impact on sexual behavior around the world. Science and medicine continue to seek ways to deal with these diseases, but each of us has to take responsibility for keeping ourselves and our sexual partners healthy by adopting safer sex practices.
By “safer sex,” we mean a conscious decision to minimize the risks of sexually transmitted diseases. The only guarantee against STDs, of course, is either abstinence or an absolutely certain, exclusive monogamous relationship with a love partner who has “tested clean”; but additional measures, including the following, can be taken:
Every individual—married or single—of course has the right to freedom of sexual expression, so long as the practice involves consenting adults and purposefully avoids physical or psychological harm to another. No one is obligated to have a sexual relationship with another person (including a marriage partner) unless he or she wishes to do so. Being a sexual person—and all of us are—is a matter of making choices and acting on them. We hope your choices will be informed, safe, fun, relationship-centered—and your own.
Children of divorce must also deal with the rebuilding block of sexuality. When their parents’ relationship ends, where do they find role models for relationships, for sexuality, for becoming mature adults?
It is often confusing for children to see their parents involved in new relationships after the divorce. Even young children somehow sense that this new development may include sex. (In fact, kids know more than you realize about which parents are having sex and which are not!) And if the parents are in the horny stage and sending out all of the sexual vibrations that accompany that stage, what do the children do with that? How do they handle this new behavior in their parents?
Communication may sound like an old answer, but it is critically important at this point. When parents talk with their children frankly and openly about sexuality—at a level appropriate to each child’s ability to understand—it is very helpful for the kids and for the parents. Although there is much anxiety and insecurity in the children’s lives right now, that very turmoil can be the beginning of learning. Children may well gain a far deeper understanding of sexuality—including their own maturation—as their parents go through this stage of rebuilding.
Children can find role models in their parents, relatives, and grandparents, and their parents’ friends. As one teenager stated, “I’ve got more role models around now than I ever had before!”
We have covered a lot of ground in this chapter, and there is much we have not explored. Sex is often a stumbling block for the divorced person, so be sure you have dealt thoroughly with these issues before you go on. Here are some trail markers for assessing your progress: