Singleness is a time to invest in your own personal growth rather than in other relationships. A period of singleness enables you to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and enjoy being single as an acceptable lifestyle, not as a time to be lonely. It is easy, however, to become stuck in this rebuilding block as a means of avoiding another intimate love relationship.
I’ve become aware that living as a single person is an affirmation of strength and self, not an embarrassing admission of failure. I’m more relaxed in the company of others—I’m no longer wasting emotional energy being a social chameleon. Postmarital guilt, self-doubts, and questions like “Will I ever love again?” are greatly diminished. I am happy as a single person—something I had not thought possible before.
—Larry
You’ll notice a number of people walking by themselves during this part of the climb. They’ve gained enough confidence in their climbing ability that they’re choosing to walk at their own pace rather than following the crowd. Some of these folks have chosen time alone as a way of investing in themselves. Others simply want and need to be by themselves, with their own thoughts, and to enjoy the view alone. This is the stage of singleness.
Many people never learned to be single before they married. They went from parental homes to marital homes, never even considering that one could be happy living as a single person and never questioning the myth of “happily ever after.”
Mona lived with her parents until she married Joe. She went from pleasing one man, her father, to pleasing another man, her husband. When Joe first talked about leaving, she clung to him because the thought of living alone was terrifying. She had never learned to please herself. She had always been a dependent person, and now the thought of being independent, although challenging, was frightening to her. She was embarrassed about how she felt because it really seemed silly to her that a thirty-five-year-old woman did not know her own mind or know what to do with her life.
Only gradually did she adjust to being alone. At first, she searched for other relationships, something or someone to lean on. As she became more and more confident, she began doing more things for herself and enjoying it. She wallpapered a whole bedroom; sawed the boards and pounded the nails for a new patio fence; started going out to movies and concerts by herself while the kids were with Joe. She invited the whole neighborhood over for a party. These activities left her feeling exhilarated, knowing that she did not need anyone. She became a good example of what it means to be an independent person.
Jim represents the male side of this same coin. He had been well cared for by his mother. His clothes were always washed and ironed, meals were on time, and even his room was kept clean. He could devote his time to school, school activities, and his job. When he entered college, he lived in a dorm. Again his meals were provided and he had a minimum of housekeeping chores. When he married Janet, she took over all the things his mother had always done. He felt independent and didn’t realize how dependent he actually was. He found out when he left Janet. He was helpless in the kitchen, even in preparing the simplest meal. He had very little understanding of how to wash his clothes and ended up with pink underwear when he put them in the wash with his red shirt! You can pay for car maintenance, but it is difficult—and very expensive—to hire a full-time cook and housekeeper.
Gradually, Jim’s self-prepared meals improved. He finally got brave enough to invite a woman friend to his home to eat, and she was delighted with the meal he prepared. His clothes began to look more cared for. He was very pleased and proud when he learned to iron his own shirts. Learning to care for himself was like growing up—and each accomplishment gave him a feeling of success and achievement.
The singleness we’re talking about is much more than learning to do the tasks that someone else has done for you, of course. It’s a whole way of life.
Independence in the realm of dating and love relationships is a good example. A typical comment from a recently separated person might be, “I’ll never make it as a single person; I need another love relationship.” But during the singleness stage, the same person might say, “Why get remarried? I can come and go as I please. I can eat whenever I feel like it. I don’t have to adjust my daily living habits to another person. Being single sure feels good!” Before the singleness stage, one may be looking for the “lost half.” But during this stage, one reaches the point of comfort in going out alone. No longer is a “date” necessary to avoid embarrassment or a feeling of failure. The quality of relationships improves: now you’re choosing the person you go out with, rather than taking whoever seems available, just to be with someone. And the whole evening out may be spent sharing rather than needing. Other people may be encountered and enjoyed for who they are, rather than as potential lifetime companions.
One of the homework assignments in the Fisher divorce seminar has to do with developing new interests in the singleness stage. Many people spent their free, recreational time in the past doing what their spouse wanted or what they had learned to do with their parents. Your assignment now is simply to take the time to develop a new interest or to pursue something you may have wanted to do for a long time. It might be to learn to play the guitar, to paint, to drive a car, or to play a new sport. Those who take this homework seriously find many new activities that they really enjoy; they no longer settle for what someone else enjoyed.
Singleness is a time for being a responsible adult. The roles each of us plays in our relationships with others are linked to our internal attitudes and feelings. Surprisingly, the link is a two-way street! As you change your actions and your ways of relating to others, you’ll find that your attitudes begin to change too. (“Hey, I’m finding out I can get along well as a single person. Look what I’m accomplishing on my own!”)
It’s easier to make these moves toward independence in the singleness stage than when you were in a long-term love relationship. A neutral environment facilitates both internal and external changes. The singleness stage is a great opportunity to make the internal changes in attitudes and feelings—and the external changes in behavior and relationships—necessary for your growth toward becoming a whole person by yourself.
Not everything is rosy in the singleness stage, of course. Research shows that single people—particularly women—do not always fare as well economically. Single people are passed over for promotions in some career fields. They’re looked upon as fair game romantically and sexually. Despite strengthened laws against sexual harassment, single women in particular may be pressured in the workplace, expected to trade sexual favors for promotions and other opportunities. There are other situations that create discomfort for single people. Alexa complained about her child’s Sunday school class. When the teacher asked the children to draw pictures of their families, Alexa’s son drew a picture of himself, his sister, and his mother—which was his family. The teacher made him add a man to his drawing because, “We all know that a family consists of both a father and a mother!” Alexa was hurt, disappointed, and angry, and she expressed her negative feelings directly to the minister of the church.
Ursula reported that the Mother’s Day sermon at her church was about marital love, ignoring the dozen or more single moms present, who felt completely left out. She let the minister know what a depressing day in church it had been for her. He responded very favorably, meeting with the single mothers and offering a special sermon—with a broader view of motherhood—a couple of weeks later.
Schools are often an irritating problem when you are a single parent. The PTA chairperson calls and asks if Johnny’s parents will run the dart booth at the school carnival. The single-parent father explains that he would be happy to take part—but that he’ll be alone. The chairperson informs him that it takes two to run the booth and she will ask someone else to handle it. PTA meetings are often couple-oriented and can be pretty uncomfortable for singles who must attend without a partner.
Same thing with parent-teacher conferences. The teacher tells you that “all of the ‘problem children’ in the room have just one parent,” and that’s why she wanted to see you. Your child may not be getting “the parenting she needs,” and perhaps that’s why she is doing so poorly in her schoolwork. What’s more, your daughter is “so boy crazy for a fifth-grader!” It is implied that if Mom had a “permanent” relationship with one man, Janie would have a better attitude toward males. You feel angry, vulnerable, and defenseless. What can you say?
You can develop some assertive responses for the most common putdowns and discriminatory acts. You can help to educate others, while maintaining your own integrity, by responding firmly. You’ll feel better inside too, rather than going away fuming!
Here’s an example: In response to the teacher who insists Janie would be better off in a two-parent household, you might try something like this, “You’re right—being a single parent isn’t easy. But Janie and I are doing fine these days, and I don’t agree that her school performance is suffering because of my divorce. I’ll be glad to work with you on special homework or tutoring or other efforts to improve her schoolwork. What suggestions do you have for her study habits? Will you give her extra assignments?”
That way, you’re not accepting the teacher’s put-down or letting her blame your personal life for Janie’s school problems. The responsibility for schoolwork is focused back where it belongs—on teacher-student-parent cooperation—not on your love life.
It often takes a great deal of inner security to handle the singleness stage successfully. Much of the discussion in this chapter concerns the feelings singles experience in response to society’s attitudes. If you have worked your way through the prior rebuilding blocks successfully, it is likely that you will be able to experience a sense of peacefulness and calmness in the singleness stage. You may become slightly upset about the attitudes of others, but you’ll be strong enough to handle them. Learn from the external prejudices and use them to become more secure in your own internal feelings.
Singleness can be one of the most productive stages you go through in the climb, in the sense that the old wounds can really be healed. Dealing with the external discrimination may help you to become stronger inside.
One caution: Singleness is an easy stage in which to become stuck. If you have not worked through all of the leftovers concerning marriage and intimacy, you may use the singleness stage as a place to hide. It may sound like it’s coming from the singleness stage when you hear someone say, “I’ll never marry again.” But in many ways, that is the opposite stance of genuine singleness. Fear of intimacy, avoidance of feelings, and opposition to marriage as though it were the worst institution in our society—all indicate that the person is stuck. The goal is to be free to choose singleness or remarriage, not to purposely stay single forever.
Singleness has become an acceptable alternative in our society. A generation or two ago, a single person was looked upon in the community as somewhat weird, one who just did not quite make it to the altar. It was “patriotic” to be married because, after all, the family was the cornerstone of American society. Attitudes are changing; at a talk on love relationships, one woman wanted to know why we had to keep talking about relationships. Was it not just as valid to talk about remaining single? Did we have to keep looking toward being in a relationship as the ideal?
The fact that there are an estimated one million divorces in the United States each year makes singleness more acceptable for many. The large number of formerly married people in our society has brought about many changes in attitudes toward singleness. Perhaps we are becoming more accepting of individual differences? Let’s hope so!
Singleness is an important rebuilding block for children too. They need to learn to be single, individual, independent-from-parents people before they marry for the first time. If children can see and understand the importance of singleness, it will give them a much better chance to develop successful love relationships in their futures.
Parenting is different during the singleness stage. In earlier stages, parents frequently bend themselves out of shape trying to make sure they are lovable, datable, and okay in many other ways. The kids often suffer; their needs are put on the “back burner.” In the singleness stage, parents are usually more responsive to the needs of the kids. Susannah had been volunteering in her divorce recovery seminar because she “needed” to feel worthwhile by helping others. When she began to reach the singleness stage, she resigned as a volunteer because she wanted to spend more time with her children. Parents in the singleness stage have begun to rise above their own emotional needs.
At this point in our climb up the mountain, we’ve gained a big reward: the view from above the timberline. You can see forever! And the singleness stage is definitely above the timberline. You can see the world much more clearly from here. You know yourself much better. You understand others, and your interactions with others, much better. Your view of life is much broader. At the singleness stage, we’re almost to the top. Let’s hurry and see the view from the peak!
Here are some items to check up on before the final climb: