Bob and Valerie deeply loved their grandchildren even before they knew anything about Christ’s love. They fully embraced the unexpected task of raising three grandsons (ages four, five, and six). It fell to them because their youngest daughter made some very poor choices in her life, resulting in her giving birth to three boys each by a different father. She and the boys lived in their home until she decided to move in with a new boyfriend—one more bad decision. Tragically, within a month, their daughter was brutally murdered by that boyfriend.
Bob and Valerie found themselves in the midst of a nightmare, searching for answers. On the way to the funeral home for a viewing, four-year-old Stephin said, “We don’t have to see Mommy. She’s not there. She’s with my friend.”
They had no idea who he was talking about, but when they arrived at the funeral home, Stephin saw an artist’s rendering of Jesus and said, “That’s my friend.” That conversation and the pastor’s message at the funeral launched them on a journey that would change their lives.
The pastor who performed the funeral had earlier knocked on their door after hearing about the tragic incident with their daughter. He simply wanted to come by and offer any comfort or assistance he could provide. Because of that visit, Bob and Valerie asked him to speak at the funeral. He accepted without any expectation about their coming to his church. The pastor’s sincere compassion, moving message, and nonintrusive manner opened the door for them to want to check out his church.
For the first time, they heard the gospel and experienced a kind of love they had not known before. In this church, they found friends who were gracious and giving. They found both a safe place to process their grief and a transformational renewal through the gospel. This was where they belonged. This was now their family.
Funny thing about how we talk about love (actually, it’s not so funny). It is one of those words we glibly throw around with as many different meanings and nuances as a politician’s promises. No matter how many diluted meanings we may assign to this important word, Jesus was very clear about the weight of a word we often misunderstand.
One of the last things Jesus communicated to His disciples before going to the cross was a new command—the foundation of the new covenant that would be sealed by His own blood: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13).
I know you love your grandchildren with all your heart. The fact that you have taken them into your care and sacrificed so much for their well-being is proof of that. You are living examples of a laying-down-your-life kind of love.
But what about other family members, those who do not look as kindly on your decisions? How about those people who pass judgment on your parenting skills? Or that wayward child who has caused you so much pain and continues to deposit a pile of debris in your life? What does that do to the way you think of God’s love for you and how He cares about your situation? Do you understand the impact the gospel ought to have on how you view God’s love and how you love Him?
Bob and Valerie will tell you today that embracing the gospel and being part of a church family has changed everything. It’s been a hard journey for them, but they have learned the importance of a faith family. In Christ and the family of God they found the strength to press on during the hard times, to grow personally, and to trust that God is working in all for their good and the good of their grandchildren.
They also discovered the power of Christ’s love to transform their home and the way they love. As Bob says, “We know we must make sure the grandchildren (now adopted) know they are loved by us and by Christ. They also need to know how much their mother is loved. We think every parent who has an adult child incapable of taking care of their own children ought to express their love for that child. Just because they are incapable of being a parent does not mean they are not loved. We are committed to express that love and respect because that is how God and the church love us.”
Your story may be very different from Bob and Valerie’s story. Your grandchildren may not have lost their mom or dad to a horrible murder or a car accident. But they have lost their parent(s) to something just as awful—drugs, imprisonment, or some other tragic event. Your grandchildren are forced to grow up without their biological parent or parents, and, even if it is only temporary, it is still traumatic.
Bob and Valerie received lots of community support and encouragement because of the circumstances of their tragedy. You may not have experienced that kind of outpouring of support and assistance. In fact, you may have experienced more sideways glances and questions about your parenting than compassion and encouragement.
Despite your circumstances, this same love Bob and Valerie have experienced and are able to offer can change everything for you as it did for them. In Christ, you have been shown the kind of love you are now able to offer your family. You chose to be the parent your adult children cannot be. There was never any doubt about it in your mind. Your grandchildren belong to you.
At the same time, doubts may linger—not about your love for them, but about whether your love is strong enough to overcome feelings of anger, angst, and unworthiness. Do you have what it takes to love your adult child the way he or she ought to be loved? It’s one thing to love your grandchild as the victim, but are you capable of another kind of love for that wayward child who has hurt you and your grandchildren so deeply?
Another of Jesus’s last statements to His disciples before He went to the cross was this: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34–35). He repeated this later that evening when He said, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12).
This was important to Jesus, and He wanted to make sure the disciples understood how important it was. He had come to fulfill the law of the old covenant through His own death. On the cross He paid the sin debt we could not pay ourselves—a debt not even the temple sacrificial system could pay. Something new was about to happen that the disciples did not yet grasp.
The old law only served to expose the horrid sinfulness of our hearts and the great offense that our sin is to a holy, righteous God. Jesus would be the perfect, final sacrifice for those offenses. He would establish a new law in a new kingdom in which we would become the temple where the Father resided through His Holy Spirit. By Jesus’s righteousness, we stand before Almighty God redeemed and cleansed of our sin.
As a result, we are free to have our focus be on loving God and one another as Christ has loved us. When Jesus gave this new command to the disciples, He knew loving one another would not be an easy task. No one is easy to love all the time, and sometimes our notion of what love looks like can be skewed. But Jesus did not sit above us in heaven and hand down an impossible edict without showing us how it can be done.
He came to us in total humility. He laid aside His divine glory and lived among us to show what love looks like by serving—not being served. Then He demonstrated the ultimate expression of love by giving himself as a ransom for we who were not worthy of His love. When Jesus said, “Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends [or family],” He proved it by doing it on the cross.
Now He turns to all of us and asks us to obey His new command: Love one another as I have loved you. This is the other kind of love that you are being asked to teach and express to your grandchildren and to those adult children who made poor choices and mistakes that have brought you all to this place. It is the kind of love that only exists in the context of the transformational work of the gospel in which God’s grace given by faith in Christ makes us alive to love as Christ loves us.
What does that look like? I’m going to step out on a limb and offer six ways I think loving as Christ loves looks like in your circumstances:
It really is about first things first, isn’t it? The Bible says it will be the righteous who flourish and bear fruit even in old age. Grandpa and Grandma, this means you. Bearing fruit and flourishing is the mark of those who first seek God and His reign, even in old age. They are the ones who will love well and proclaim to those who follow the truth that God is trustworthy, all-powerful, sovereign, and faithful. So, seek Him first!