Step Four: Mindfully Relate
“Love takes off the masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
“What’s the matter?” Blake’s wife asked, sounding more frustrated than concerned. “You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said. I’m trying to talk to you, and you’re a million miles away.”
Blake felt his body tense up. He wanted to continue staring at the television screen and act as though he didn’t hear her. He wanted to break into a case of beer and drink himself into oblivion. He wanted to hop online and escape into fantasies of “no strings attached” encounters with women who’d shower him with praise and expect nothing in return. He wanted to blurt out, “Nothing’s the matter! Can’t I just relax in peace? But he knew where that would lead. They’d spend the rest of the night arguing and get nowhere for it. Besides, deep down he knew it wasn’t true.
Work was stressing him out. Not that anything was going badly. In fact, it couldn’t be better. But despite all evidence to the contrary, it often felt to Blake as though he was just a hair’s breadth away from it being found out that he wasn’t all that he seemed cracked up to be. He was haunted by the distant voices of people who’d once told him that he’d never amount to anything and couldn’t shake the feeling that the positive regard he consistently garnered somehow wasn’t real or deserved.
He wanted to confide in his wife, share his insecurities and fears with her, open up and not feel so alone, and find reassurance. He wanted to hear that she believed in him and that it would all be okay. But he was afraid of what she might think. Afraid that he’d seem foolish or weak.
Blake wanted to tell her how awful he felt that they were having such a hard time. He yearned to reach out and bridge the chasm between them but felt afraid that she would reject him. Afraid that no matter what he did, or how hard he tried, he’d get it wrong. That he’d never be able to please her or ever be good enough.
He wanted to tell her how much he loved her. How much he missed her and longed to be close. To talk openly. Share his feelings without holding back. Find a way to something better for them. But it all felt so scary. So overwhelming. Allowing himself to be emotionally vulnerable went against everything he learned growing up. All the messages he got as a child to suck it up and be strong, to stop crying or he’d be given something to cry about, to quit complaining and just get on with it.
It was if every fiber in his body had been telling him, “No, don’t do it!” Well, not exactly every fiber. Something was pushing its way to the surface and trying to get through. Something was aching to be known and expressed. Like a tiny blade of grass inching its way up through a crack in a concrete sidewalk, new life was poised to emerge.
What should I do? Blake wondered to himself and then turned to his wife and said…
Blake has come to a fork in the road. A choice point that has significant implications for the future of his relationship. Will he continue to play by the rules of his old programming and stay trapped in a dynamic that only leads to isolation and suffering? Or will he take a small step forward down an unworn path and begin to share more of himself with his wife? Will he stretch beyond the confines of his old internal working models and find a way to engage with her that brings them closer together instead of further apart?
The work of the last three steps in the previous chapters may have brought you to a similar place on your emotional journey. By slowing down the action, working with your feelings, and clarifying your emotional truth, you’ve afforded yourself a precious opportunity, one that’s filled with possibilities. It’s in this precise moment that you can change the course of your relationships.
But taking advantage of this opportunity can feel quite challenging. It requires a leap of faith. It requires taking a risk. To go against the dictates of your early conditioning and do something different. To open up and reveal sides of yourself that you long ago learned to hide. To directly express the core feelings, needs, and desires that you’ve been too afraid to share.
It can feel scary. That’s to be expected. We’re confronted with the fear of the child within us that somehow learned that expressing aspects of ourselves is dangerous and will threaten the security of our relationships. But it’s only in facing our fears and seeing our way through to the other side that we can diminish their existence and dispel their power. That we can learn, once and for all, that our world will not come to an end, that we will not be destroyed. We may need to do some work to get the conversation moving in a constructive direction, but it’s only in facing our fears that we can develop new ways of relating. We can then leave the past behind and cultivate a more loving connection with our partner. We can have the kinds of new experiences that will update our old programming and rewire our brain for the better.
When we’re emotionally authentic and open, relating with our partners in a manner in which we both feel safe and heard, we sow the seeds of security, which as you know is the basis for a healthy relationship. We lay the groundwork for a solid foundation, one that supports and promotes our growth as a couple. Feeling secure in our connection, we can weather the challenges that inevitably arise in a relationship and feel confident that we’ll not only be okay, but that we’ll be better for it. Our bond deepens and strengthens over time and our love grows. We change ourselves, and we change our relationships.
As world-renowned meditation teacher and author Sharon Salzberg explains, real love requires that we “open to our wholeness rather than clinging to the slivers of ourselves represented by old stories. Living in a story of a limited self—to any degree—is not love.”35 Relationship security cannot be developed when one or both of us has a wall up, whether it be a wall of silence or a wall of noise. Security grows when we step out from behind the safety of our defenses and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with our partners. When despite our fear or hesitation, we show up “wholeheartedly”36 in all our vulnerabilities and imperfections and do our best to be fully present and responsive to each other. When we hang in and do our part to see things through and get us to a better place. That’s what makes the difference. That’s the essence of loving like we mean it.
Speaking of vulnerability, as the saying goes, “it’s all relative.” In general, revealing an aspect of ourselves that may be perceived as weak or shameful causes us to feel vulnerable. For instance, expressing our hurt, sadness, or fear. Sharing our needs for reassurance, support, and understanding. In addition, expressing our anger, asserting ourselves, setting limits, and having boundaries can make some of us feel vulnerable, especially when such behaviors were met with negativity when we were younger. Similarly, feeling proud of ourselves, expressing joy or wonder can also make some of us feel vulnerable. Whatever the feeling, need, or desire, our fears trace back to our own unique experiences early in life. They’re sides of ourselves that we learned were dangerous to express. They’re sides of ourselves that feel vulnerable to share with our partners.
To show up in our entirety requires courage and skill. We need to be able to stay present and balanced, to understand and manage our feelings, and to sensitively, honestly, and coherently express ourselves. In addition, we need to be attuned to our partner and responsive to their emotional experience.
Now it just so happens that most of these capacities are ones that we’ve been growing all along. They are the skills of emotional mindfulness. However, the work we’ve done so far has been internal—attuning to and working with what’s going on emotionally inside of ourselves. In Step Four, “Mindfully Relate,” we expand the circle of awareness to include both our partner’s emotional experience as well as what is happening between us. In addition, we weave in and cultivate our innate ability to empathize with our partner’s emotional experience—to feel and understand what they’re feeling. The better we get at empathizing with our partner’s feelings, the better we’ll be at recognizing and getting beyond their defenses and avoiding getting caught in old, unproductive patterns of relating. In short, the better we’ll be at moving our relationship in a positive direction.
Bringing together the practices of mindfulness and empathy has powerful benefits for ourselves and for our relationships. As psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher Linda Graham explains in her book Bouncing Back, this dynamic duo effectively grows our capacity for resilience.37 By helping to strengthen the functioning of our prefrontal cortex, we’re better able to observe our experience and see our way out of embedded patterns of relating, respond more flexibly and adaptively to relationship challenges, and open up to a broader range of options. In addition, the synergy of mindfulness and empathy gives rise to an inner wisdom that, when we listen to it, can guide our choices and actions toward exploring healthier ways of relating. Just what the doctor ordered!
While the next step in this process may feel daunting, you’ve been working up to it. You’re well prepared. You’ve already done so much work to make what lies before you with your partner a more constructive experience. You have a better grasp of what’s been going on for you emotionally and have strengthened your capacity to be present with and listen to yourself. You just need to be able to express yourself and navigate your interactions with your partner in a more mindful way. That’s doable.
Of course, your partner plays a role in how things will go between you. If they’re not ready or able to be receptive, if their defenses continue to get the best of them, it will likely be challenging for you. But while you can’t control how they’ll respond or whether they’ll take responsibility for their behavior, you’re not without influence. You can do your best to express yourself in a manner that will maximize your partner’s ability to hear and receive you, you can stop yourself from responding in a manner that fosters tension and discord, and you can support them in ways that help get you back on track as a couple.
Too often, we underestimate our partners’ capacity to be receptive, and we shy away from communicating our feelings altogether. We don’t even try and thus deny ourselves the possibility of something better. While it may not always go as smoothly as we’d like, we can learn in the doing. We can improve our ability to stay present, attuned, and empathic with them. And we can grow from our experiences and efforts. We just need to be willing to open up and give ourselves a chance to find out what’s possible.
Who knows? You just may be surprised. Let’s find out.
Mindful Speech
Something happens. Your partner makes a comment or behaves in a particular way, you see an expression on their face, you hear something in their voice—and bam! You get activated. Your old programming kicks in. But this time instead of business as usual, instead of shutting down or spinning out of control, you catch yourself. You recognize that you’ve been triggered, calm your distress, and attend to what’s emotionally going on inside of you. You connect with the core feelings, needs, and desires that have been trying to make themselves known.
Meanwhile, your partner is looking at you, eagerly awaiting a response. They want to know what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and although it may not seem like it in the moment, they want to connect.
You need to find a way to let them in on your emotional experience; try to express directly what has heretofore been left out. You need to bridge the gap between the two of you and put your feelings, needs, and desires into words. Your choice of words is crucial, as is the manner in which you express yourself. And yet perfection is not needed. You just need to do it in a way that fosters a healthy exchange, one that will be constructive and inspires connection rather than conflict.
Seem like a tall order? It certainly can feel that way when you’re getting started. Especially when you’re attempting to share aspects of yourself that make you feel particularly vulnerable. But like any other new behavior, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And you don’t have to do it all at once. You can take it slow. You can talk about your feelings a little bit at a time. In fact, doing so can make the experience more manageable both for you and for your partner. The process of developing and deepening emotional intimacy is a bit like peeling an onion—we remove and expose one layer at a time.
As you begin to share your feelings with your partner, it can help to start by saying a few words that ease the tension of the moment, move communication forward, and help your partner feel more receptive. John Gottman, a renowned expert on relationship dynamics, suggests that a “soft-start up” to a difficult conversation—one in which we proceed in a gentle and compassionate manner—can have a positive impact on how it will end up going.38 In particular, conversations that start off gently are more likely to end that way, as opposed to those that start off harshly. A harsh start often tends to bring more of the same.
With this sage advice in mind, you could begin to talk with your partner by acknowledging a simple truth—that it feels scary to talk openly and reveal more of yourself to your partner. For instance, you could start off by saying something like, “This is hard for me …” or “I’m feeling nervous about sharing my feelings …” or “I’m not sure how best to talk about this …” Or you could express your desire to have a conversation that is constructive for the both of you. You could say, “I’d really like to try to talk with you about this in a way that will be helpful to us.” You could also explicitly accept responsibility for playing a role in your relationship dynamic, stating that you’re not blaming your partner or implying they’re at fault. You could say, “I know I’m responsible for a part of what’s going on here. I accept that and want to understand how I can do things differently.” Any of these options would make for a softer startup.
Drawing on our work in the last three steps, you can talk then about your emotional experience. You can begin to share the feelings, needs, and desires that heretofore have been difficult for you to express.
Now here’s another instance in which the Triangle can serve as a useful guide. You can use it to help put your emotional experience into words—to explain what’s happening for you and why. Starting at the top of the Triangle, you can acknowledge that you were triggered—that you felt anxious or uncomfortable and perhaps got defensive—and explain why. Then you can share what feelings were coming up for you.
For instance, if Blake, whom you met at the beginning of this chapter, were to open up in this way to his wife, he might say, “When I hear you sounding frustrated, I get anxious and tense up. It’s like a part of me wants to run, to escape, and I end up zoning out. I actually want to talk with you. I want to connect. But I’m afraid of how you’ll react. I’m afraid of what you might think of me. I guess, deep down inside I feel ashamed, like there’s something wrong with me and I’ll never be able to get it right. That you’re going to be disappointed no matter what.”
In his response, Blake started at the top of the Triangle by sharing elements of his emotional experience that are closer to the surface (feeling uncomfortable, tensing up, zoning out). He then made his way down to the bottom of the Triangle to reveal the feelings and desires that were hidden behind his defensive reaction (fear of being rejected, feeling ashamed, desire to connect). In this way, Blake was explaining his reaction to his wife, helping her understand what was going on for him emotionally. He allowed her to see a more vulnerable side of him, one that wasn’t readily apparent.
Notice that Blake used the language of “parts” to describe his desire to flee when he said, “part of me wants to run.” Talking in this way can be very useful. It can make it easier for us to acknowledge aspects of our emotional experience that we may feel bad about. In addition, it helps to use the layered quality of our emotional experience to explain to our partners that there’s more going on with us than meets the eye. For example, we may look angry to our partners, and that may be all they see or feel, but in reality our anger is only one aspect of our emotional experience. Underneath, there’s a range of feelings. We may also feel hurt, lonely, scared, hopeless, helpless, embarrassed, ashamed, inadequate, rejected, and so on. When we use the language of parts, we convey the multifaceted nature of our emotional experience. We help our partners see us in more depth.
Similarly, we could talk about our inner child and explain how part of our reaction comes from a young place inside of us. For instance, when talking about his fear with his wife, Blake might say, “it’s like there’s a scared kid inside of me who’s worried about how his parents are going to respond.” In addition to giving us a way to communicate and explain our emotional experience, such a disclosure can shift our partners’ perspective and reaction to us. Instead of seeing only our frustrated, tense, or distracted adult-self before them, they get a glimpse of our younger self, they see the child inside of us, and suddenly something shifts for them. Their defenses melt. They get it. They understand what it’s like to feel vulnerable and small. Where only a moment ago resentment and frustration crowded the scene, a ray of empathy shines through and they feel for us. They feel different toward us.
Furthermore, when we talk about our child-self, we are communicating our awareness that our present moment experience is in part being colored by our early conditioning. We’re helping our partners understand the roots of some of our relationship struggles.
To that end, as the conversation with your partner progresses, you might talk with them about your early life experience. You can share with them a bit about what things were like for you growing up and the lessons you learned through interactions with your caregivers. You don’t necessarily have to go into depth all at once. After all, this is the type of “getting to know you” conversation that evolves over time in relationships. You might start off simply by saying something like, “It wasn’t okay in my family to be ______ (sad, afraid, vulnerable, angry, have needs for affection, reassurance, attention, and so on).” Or, “Whenever I expressed my feelings/needs, my father/mother would ______.” Or, “I remember one time when ______.” You could then go on to explain how the same fears you experienced as a child show up for you now, and while you understand rationally that your fear is old, nevertheless you can still feel vulnerable and respond defensively. In the doing, your partner gets to know you better, develops a better understanding of your struggles, and may be inclined to share about themselves as well. You both benefit.
At some point, you will need to find a way to let your partner know what you need from them. This part can feel particularly challenging. After all, it’s one thing to express your feelings, it’s another to ask for something from your partner and make your needs known. Doing so can make you feel even more vulnerable. It’s a risk. You’re not sure how they’ll respond. And once again, you come up against the dictates of your old programming—the early learning that told you it’s safer to keep your needs to yourself.
But think of it this way: how is your partner supposed to know what you need from them unless you tell them? They’re not mind readers (despite our wishing they were!). They’re probably as confused over the matter as you may be. They want to be helpful, they want things to be different between you, but they’re not sure what to do to make that happen. And they may also be coming up against the limits of their own attachment wiring and have their own fears that are getting in the way. When you tell them what you need, you’re helping them; you’re making it easier for them to know how best to respond. So try to be clear and simply state what you need, such as, “I really want/need/could use your________” (reassurance, understanding, comforting, care, respect, acceptance, to feel valued, loved, and desired, and the like).
Overall, as you talk about your feelings, needs, and desires with your partner, your aim should be to communicate in a way that both minimizes the chances that they’ll get defensive and increases the likelihood that they’ll be able to hear and receive what you’re trying to express. Using “I” statements (e.g., “I am feeling hurt,” versus, “You’re upsetting me”), talking about how you feel rather than what you think (“I feel hopeless” versus “I feel like you’re never satisfied, no matter what I do”) and describing what is happening rather than blaming or judging (“When I see you checking your phone while I’m talking with you …” versus “You’re so insensitive!”) can make what we’re trying to say easier to receive. In addition, asking for what you need rather than telling your partner what to do or making a demand will likely yield a better response. A good rule of thumb is to imagine how you’d feel hearing whatever you’re trying to express if the shoe were on the other foot.
While mindfully choosing your words is important, the tone in which your words are conveyed can be even more crucial. Are you relating with your partner from a place of care and concern, or are you approaching them with an edge? Talking about difficult matters goes so much better when it’s done in a spirit of kindness and care. In fact, research shows that when negative feedback is delivered in a warm, supportive tone, the receiver invariably leaves with a positive impression of the exchange.39 This doesn’t mean that we don’t address unpleasant feelings. But we do it in a way that’s constructive and “supports the growth of your relationship” As Julie Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, explains, “You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”40
Often when we are willing to share the feelings behind our defenses, the energy of our conversation shifts, a space opens up between us, and we enter a different way of relating with each other. What felt impossible when our defenses were leading the way now feels possible. We see what we need to do to shift our experience. We see what we need to do to get our relationship back on track. And the more we allow ourselves to open up and be vulnerable with our partners, the stronger we become at relating in this way.
Seeing with a Beginner’s Mind
When Blake’s wife complains to him about his seeming to be “a million miles away,” what is she trying to say? Beneath her apparent frustration, what is she feeling? What is she wanting from him? All that Blake hears is the critical tone she takes. His body tenses up and he scrambles to find an escape route. He goes into flight mode.
But how would it be if instead Blake were to notice his impulse, pause, and take a moment to consider what might be going on for his wife below the surface? What if he looked past her defenses and wondered about what she might be feeling more deeply. Maybe he’d realize that behind the angry mask she wears lies a longing to connect and a fear of losing him. What would that be like for Blake? How would that affect his feelings toward her? How then might he respond?
Just like us, our partners were shaped by their experiences with their caregivers and continue to be unknowingly affected by their early programming. Just like us, they’re afraid to be vulnerable, to express their true feelings and let us see them in their entirety. Just like us, they’re afraid that we’ll be critical and dismissive. Just like us, they’re afraid that they won’t be enough. Just like us, they’re afraid that they’ll be rejected and abandoned. Somehow we don’t realize that about them, or we do but we momentarily forget. Such is the case when we’re in a reactive state. All we see are our partner’s defenses, the ways in which they learned to contend with their fears—their coming at us with frustration or their retreating behind a wall of silence. We zero in on what we perceive to be a threat and lose sight of everything else.
To make matters worse, our perceptions of our partners aren’t always accurate. We often view them through the biased filters of our internal working models. Our early conditioning causes us to be hypersensitive to certain emotions and less aware of others. We see certain things in an exaggerated fashion and miss others.
For instance, studies show that those of us with an anxious attachment style have amygdalae that are more easily activated by negative feedback, such as a look of anger on our partner’s face. In contrast those of us with avoidant attachment style are less responsive to positive feedback, such as a smile.41 In a way, especially when we are upset or triggered, we see what our implicit memory is looking for. At those times, our assumptions and expectations seemingly confirmed, we end up viewing our partners in a limited way and fail to see the totality of their being. And at those times, we most certainly don’t see whatever made us fall in love with them in the first place.
Of course our partners play a role in our relationship dynamics. It’s not like they’re blank slates upon which we project all our fears and anxieties. The manner in which they engage with us matters and can be provocative. But what if we could remove the filters of our implicit programming so that we could see our partners more clearly? What if we could shake off our preconceptions, look past their defenses, and begin to see them anew? Well, we can. The practice of mindfulness affords us this possibility.
When we are mindful and can get some distance from our reactivity, we can bring to our experience what Zen master Shunyru Suzuki called “beginner’s mind” and see it with fresh eyes. No longer constrained by previous held beliefs, we can come to our experience with openness and curiosity and discover other points of view. As Suzuki explained, “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few.”42 Don’t our partners and our relationships deserve that opportunity? Wouldn’t that be a loving thing for us to do?
To that end, let’s take some time to practice looking at our partners and at our experiences with them with a beginner’s mind.
REFLECTION
Think about a recent experience with your partner that was emotionally charged. Choose one that is representative of the kind of relationship conflicts you typically experience with each other. If you’re not currently partnered, think about a past relationship, or a relationship with a close friend or family member. Try to step back and look at the experience as an objective observer. Encourage yourself to let go of any preconceptions or prior beliefs and give yourself the opportunity to get to know your partner in a different way. If at any point, you find yourself getting emotionally activated or start to feel defensive, take a moment to calm yourself and come back to center.
As you think about the experience, recall how your partner responded. Did they complain and get critical, or did they pull away? Did they turn up the volume, or did they go silent? It might help to look over the list of relational defenses in Chapter Three and see which seem familiar to you. Which describe your partner’s behavior in this instance? Which do you typically encounter with them?
Next, in your mind’s eye, try putting your partner’s defenses to the side, so that you can consider what might have been going on for them under the surface. In other words, let yourself get curious about what core feelings, needs, or desires might have been coming up for them that they were too afraid to share with you at the time. For instance, might your partner have been feeling hurt, afraid, ashamed, or angry? Might he or she have wanted comfort, reassurance, or validation? Let your mind open up and consider any and all possibilities. Are they feelings that your partner typically shares with you, or sides of him or her that you rarely see?
Next, let yourself wonder why it might be hard for your partner to show you these feelings. Is there some way in which you tend to behave that makes it more challenging for them to open up? Or have they always been that way? Remember how you experienced them when you first met. Now consider what you know about their early history. What were their relationships like with their caregivers? How might their experiences growing up help explain their reticence to be more emotionally open with you? How might their early conditioning be showing up in your current interactions? (If you don’t know much about your partner’s early life, consider having a conversation with them at some point, one that will likely evolve over time. When this kind of exploration is done in the spirit of curiosity, understanding, and compassion it can be a healing experience for both of you and bring you closer.)
Take some time to reflect on all the different possibilities that occur to you. Do any of them ring true? Do any of them seem possible? Notice how each of them makes you feel. Notice how they make you feel toward your partner. Allow the new information and the feelings it engenders to have an impact on you. “Sit with” your emotional experience and try to really take it in. Allow it to be deeply felt.
What was that like for you? Did other ways of seeing and understanding your partner emerge? Did anything new or different occur to you? Might there be sides to your partner that have been difficult for you to see, appreciate, and acknowledge? How do the possibilities affect your perception of them? How does it make you feel toward them?
Perhaps you hadn’t quite realized that your partner is also struggling emotionally. That he or she may also be afraid of being present with you in a more authentic way. That the manner in which she or he typically responds may actually belie a deeper truth. Maybe you hadn’t thought about what else might be going on for your partner, what other feelings might also be at play. We tend not to think about these things in the heat of the moment. But we should. Because when we do, we increase our chances of getting what we long for in our relationships.
Allowing ourselves to get a broader perspective on our partners helps us see them in a fuller way. We see our similarities, not just our differences. We get a glimpse of the person inside of them that’s been held captive by fear. We see how we’re both wanting to get to a better place. We see how we’re both longing for love and connection.
We need to bring this awareness to our interactions. We can pause and reflect and remind ourselves of what our hearts—and calmer minds—know to be true. Then we can try to meet their defenses with curiosity, openness, and compassion. Doing so would benefit us both.
Listening with Our Hearts
What if Blake were to try to put his wife’s comments to the side for a moment and listen to her with his heart? What if he were to drop inside of himself and get a felt sense of her emotional experience? Perhaps he’d discover something altogether different? Maybe he’d hear her despair? Maybe he’d sense the sadness and fear she feels when he seems to disappear? Maybe he’d notice her longing to connect? How would he then feel toward his wife? How might that affect how he reacts to her? Chances are he’d respond to her in a softer way, avoid getting into an argument, and by doing so make it easier for their interaction to move in a positive direction. That would be a positive start.
If Blake were to listen to his wife in this way, he would have tapped into his innate ability to empathize—to sense, feel, and understand what others are feeling. Empathy is what enables us to see, know, and love another, as well as feel seen, known, and loved by another. Not surprisingly empathy is a key component in successful relationships. And mutual empathy is what makes all the difference. Everybody wins!
We’re all capable of empathizing with others. We’re all born with the capacity to do so. Remember, we come into the world highly attuned to our caregivers’ emotions. We can tell what they’re feeling, and they can do the same. That’s empathy in action. It’s how we communicate with each other. It’s how we connect. As psychiatrist Daniel Siegel explains, “It’s how we come to ‘feel felt’ by one another.”43 But if we’re not mindful of our emotional experience, if we’re cut off from our feelings or overcome by them, if we’re in a reactive state, we can’t make use of this essential skill.
Feeling empathy for others starts with being able to be emotionally present with ourselves. When we’re open to our own feelings, when we’re attuned to them, we can more easily resonate with someone else’s emotional state. That is, we can mindfully sense in our own bodies what another person is feeling. Our ability to be able to feel what another is feeling may be due in part to what have been referred to as “mirror neurons,” a type of brain cell that may enable us to understand the actions, intentions, and emotions of another person.44 As their name implies, mirror neurons apparently get activated both when we experience an emotion ourselves as well as when we witness someone else experiencing an emotion. So when we see our partners feeling sad, angry, happy, or afraid, for example, our mirror neurons light up, and we feel similarly. We resonate with their emotional experience, and we mirror them, or feel what they are feeling.
That’s a good start. It viscerally tunes us into another person’s feelings. But empathizing with someone requires more than merely resonating with their emotional state. We need to examine their experience and consider their point of view. We also need to get the thinking part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, involved and make sense of their feelings. We need to put ourselves in our partner’s shoes and try to understand how it feels to be them. If we don’t, we may resonate with their feelings but not really understand where they’re coming from. Or we may respond on an emotional level without thinking and confuse their feelings with our own. Thus, when we get our whole brain engaged, both our limbic system and our prefrontal cortex, “mindful empathy”45 is both a physiological as well as a mental process.
Therefore, while the capacity to empathize is innate, in order for us to make good use of it, we need to be emotionally mindful. We need to be attuned to and present with our emotional experience. And we need to pay attention to our partners so that we can sense and understand their feelings as well. We need to listen to them, not only to their words, but perhaps more importantly, to what they’re communicating nonverbally—through their facial expressions, their tone of voice, and their body language. We need to give them a chance to express themselves and hear them with our whole being.
Of course, it’s harder to do these things when we’re triggered. When that happens, it’s difficult to make good use of our feelings or to see our partners clearly. We can’t quite tell which feelings are our own and which belong to our partners. For instance “Is this my fear or his?” “Is this her anger or mine?” How often, when we get past the heat of the moment, do we look back on our exchanges with our partners and feel differently toward them? Do we feel a sense of empathy for them that had somehow eluded us only moments before? When we calm our reactivity and drop inside ourselves, we can connect with those feelings in real time. When we slow things down, and stretch the space between stimulus and response, we can see things more clearly. We can find our truth, and we can sense into our partners’ truth as well. In doing so, we tap into our capacity to empathize.
Making eye contact with our partners can enhance our ability to empathize as the eyes and the muscles around them convey one’s emotions. We read someone’s emotional state in part by looking at their eyes.46 When we look at our partners’ eyes, the brain regions that enable us to more accurately process their feelings and intentions get activated. Even brief moments of eye contact can clue us into our partners’ feelings and help us get emotionally “in sync.”
But making eye contact can also feel intimidating. Not only is making eye contact an extremely intimate thing to do, it can also activate our implicitly stored memories and our fears about emotional connection. We anticipate that our partners will react similarly to the ways in which we were responded to in our past. We expect that we’ll be rejected, dismissed, or shamed. We’re afraid of what we’ll see in their eyes, so we avoid looking at them.
But when you avoid eye contact, understandable as it is, you miss an opportunity to confront and possibly disprove your old fears. You miss an opportunity to see the truth of your experience. Instead of disdain, you may see a longing to connect. Instead of anger, you may see hurt and vulnerability. And instead of fear, you may see tenderness. What would that be like? How would that change your emotional experience? When you find the courage to look, the fullness of your partner’s being can come into focus, and if all goes well, your past fears can begin to fade. Your old programming can get a necessary update. You can see your partners more objectively and empathize with them.
When we tap into our empathy for our partners, it benefits both of us. Our view of them expands. We see beyond their defenses to their inner truth. We recognize and identify with their vulnerability and fears. Our defenses soften, our fears subside, and our heart opens. We hear the wisdom of our core self and intuitively we know what to do to make things better. Compassion flows, and we feel inspired to respond to them in a more loving way. We’re both the better for it.
To that end, below is an exercise to help you enhance your ability to empathize with your partner.
LISTENING WITH YOUR HEART EXERCISE
As you interact with your partner, try practicing the following:
Try giving your partner your full attention. Let him or her express themselves without interrupting them. Put judgment aside and let yourself get curious. Listen to what they are saying but also to the feelings beneath the words. As he or she is talking, tune into your body and try to sense what your partner is feeling. Let your mirror neurons do their thing.
Pay attention to your partner’s nonverbal cues (e.g., facial expressions, tone of voice, body language). Notice what happens inside you when you do. Notice what you feel in your body. Let yourself make eye contact with your partner, even for brief moments. Notice what you see in his or her eyes. Notice what happens for you emotionally when you do.
With a felt sense of your partner’s emotional experience, consider why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling. Try to imagine what it would be like to be them. Put yourself aside and consider their perspective. Notice how you then feel toward your partner as you do. How are you inclined to respond? What is your inner sense of what would be the best thing to do for both of you?
If you’re having a hard time connecting with your partner’s emotional experience, try picturing him or her as their younger self. See that child’s face in your mind’s eye. Look into her or his eyes and notice what happens inside of you. Notice what happens in your body. How do you feel toward that child? How does that make you feel toward your partner? How do you feel inclined to respond?
Then, if you’re so inclined, share your understanding of your partner’s emotional experience with him or her. You might say, “I’m getting the sense that you’re feeling_________.” And then ask for feedback, “Did I get that right?” See if it rings true for her or him. If it does, notice how your partner responds emotionally to being seen in this way, having his or her experience reflected back to them. Notice how that makes you feel. If your understanding of their feelings wasn’t quite accurate, allow yourself to take in the feedback with curiosity and not with resentment at being corrected or devastated for being wrong; if your sense of them does not quite resonate in this moment, ask your partner for clarification and ask them to help you better understand their experience. Your partner will likely appreciate your interest and care, and your wish to really know and understand her or him.
What was that like for you? How was it for you to try to empathize with your partner’s experience? To put the thinking part of your brain aside for a moment and listen with your heart? To allow your felt sense to inform your understanding of your partner? To allow it to inform your understanding of your relationship dynamics? Has your point of view changed? If so, how? Imagine what it would be like to carry this heartfelt knowledge of your partner with you and to draw on it the next time you experience a conflict in your relationship. How might things go differently?
Mindful Interactions
Let’s come back to Blake.
Should Blake find the courage to open up to his wife, he has a number of options.
He could just share with her how he’s feeling in the moment—stressed, overwhelmed, wanting to escape.
He could let his wife know how he hears the words she’s saying and isn’t sure what to make of them.
He might apologize for being distracted and empathize with her feeling upset about the distance between them.
He might let her know how he wants to connect with her as well but that he isn’t sure how.
He might acknowledge that deep inside he feels afraid.
And, then what? What should Blake do next? Well, it depends on how his wife responds. Does she soften and open up, or does she continue to complain? Is she able to hear him, or do her defenses get in the way? It could go either way. The two of them have been getting caught in a particular dynamic for so long that it may be hard to shift gears. It may take a few tries before they’re able to change course and move in a different direction.
So what is Blake to do? How should he handle whatever comes next? How can he maximize the possibility that their exchange will move in a positive direction?
In order for things to go well when we interact with our partner, we need to be mindful of a number of different things. First, there’s our own emotional experience. We need to be attuned to and manage our emotional experience and do our best to try to stay in an open, receptive state. We also need to be attuned to our partner, listen to what they are saying, sense and understand what they feel, and respond wisely. Moreover, we need to keep an eye on what’s happening between us. Are the lines of communication open or have they shut down? Are we working together, or are we now at odds? Is energy flowing, or has it come to a stop?
If we’re not mindful of these different streams of awareness—what’s happening inside of us, what’s happening with our partner, and what’s happening between us—we can get derailed. It’s no wonder that our interactions with our partners can be so challenging!
Practicing emotional mindfulness is key. We do that by making sure our observer is online so that we can mindfully navigate all the different pieces that come into play when we interact.
Once again, the Triangle can offer us invaluable assistance in this regard. In addition to helping us track our and our partners’ experience, we can use it to understand how things are going between us and figure out what to do. For instance, at any given moment, we can recognize whether the channels of communication between us are open, closed, or somewhere in-between, and in the doing, get a good idea of how best to proceed. In this way, the Triangle becomes a communication “traffic light” of sorts, helping us to know when it’s best to stop, wait, or go.
Drawing on the work of mindful communication expert Susan Gillis Chapman, we can view each corner of the Triangle as representing a different color of a traffic light (see Figure One).47 For instance when one or both of us become reactive while we’re engaging (the defense corner of the Triangle), we can imagine that the light has turned red. That’s telling us that communication has shut down, on one or both sides of the conversation, and it’s time to stop and regroup. In contrast, when both of us are emotionally open and in a receptive state (the feelings corner of the Triangle), we can imagine that the light has turned green, and it’s safe for us to continue opening up and sharing. And when either of us is on the verge of getting triggered (the anxiety corner of the Triangle), we can imagine that the light has turned yellow. That’s a sign that we need to slow down and proceed with caution.
The traffic light imagery helps us identify the different states of our communication experience and to be aware of the consequences of each. At any moment in time, while we’re interacting with our partners, we can look to the Triangle for guidance about how best to proceed.
When the Light Turns Red
At some point, as we try to talk and share our feelings with our partners, we may get too activated to be able to proceed in a constructive manner. Our threat alarm goes off, and our defenses kick in. We may pull inward or close off. Or we may push back, argue, or say something hurtful. When that happens, it’s a sign that the light has turned red. We are in self-defense mode, no longer seeing clearly and no longer listening to our partners or ourselves. The lines of healthy communication have shut down. In moments such as these, the best thing we can do is stop. We need to take a break and calm our internal activation. We need to get ourselves back to a more centered state before we’re going to be able to move forward in a productive manner.
Just how much time we may need to stop and collect ourselves depends on what’s going on for us emotionally. Sometimes we just need a brief moment to calm our internal activation and get centered. We can pause, ground ourselves, take a deep breath, and let it out slowly—whatever we need to do to calm our distress—and then gradually make our way back into the conversation. But sometimes we may need a bit longer. We may need to take more time to attend thoroughly to whatever has gotten emotionally stirred up for us. When that’s the case, we can draw on our “Stop, Drop, and Stay” tools to work through our feelings and take care of our inner child. When we’re clearer, when we’ve separated out what’s past from what’s present and are feeling more balanced, we can return to the conversation.
Whether we pause briefly or take an extended time out, it’s best to let our partners know what’s happening for us and that we need to stop. Generally, it’s not a good idea to “exit” a discussion with our partners prematurely and without offering an explanation. Doing so would likely provoke them and only make matters worse, especially if they’re also feeling activated. We can avoid creating any unnecessary distress by letting our partners know where we’re at. We can tell them we just need a moment. We can explain that we’re feeling triggered or overwhelmed and need to take a break. We should also assure them that we’re not dropping the conversation, that we intend to come back to it when we’re feeling more centered and can reengage in a constructive manner, one that’s better for our relationship. And of course we need to do just that.
The Other Side of Red
The red light also comes on when our partners get activated—when their defenses take over, and it’s clear that they’re not about to budge. That’s a sign that they’re in threat mode, no longer able to listen to us or take us in, and that healthy communication is not going to be possible. That’s a clear sign that we need to stop. But it’s one that we often miss. Why? Because when our partners get defensive, our alarm bells go off as well, and in a flash, our lower brain threatens to take over. We get activated. Our partners say something critical and we feel the urge to retaliate or argue our case. Or they withdraw and we get upset and go running after them. Before you know it, we’re up to our old tricks.
But if we can bring mindfulness to bear on the moment, we can prevent that horse from leaving the gate. We can recognize what’s happening for our partners and for ourselves and rein in our defensive response. We can pause to calm ourselves and consult with the voice of wisdom inside of us. Intuitively, we know that no good will come from getting caught up in a defensive dance. No one wins. When we’re mindful, we can make use of this precious knowledge in real time. When we’re mindful, we know that the best thing we can do, on behalf of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships, is to suggest that we stop.
Just how we make this suggestion is important as well. Given our partner’s activated state, we’d do best to use the language of “we” rather than “you.” As in, “We should probably take a break” versus, “You need to take a break.” See the difference? Even though we may not have become reactive, using the language of “we” instead of “you” is gentler and likely to go over a lot better with our partners. They’re less likely to hear it as an accusation or that they’re being blamed in any way. Rather, it communicates that we’re holding the relationship in mind, that we’re in this together, and that we’re not opponents. That’s a more loving approach.
When the Light is Green
The light turns green when we’re in a receptive state. Our defenses have eased up and we’re able to be emotionally vulnerable. The lines of communication are open, and energy is flowing in both directions. We’re able to listen to ourselves and to our partners. We’re able to be emotionally present and connected. Our hearts and minds are engaged and working together. In short we’re feeling and dealing while relating.
This is the state that emotional mindfulness and the work of the four steps helps to grow. By staying mindful, by maintaining a balance between observing and participating in our experience, and by continually bringing ourselves back to the present moment, we’re able to engage in a receptive way.
The green light tells us that it’s safe to continue moving forward. Our task is to seize the opportunity. To take risks and share more of ourselves. To explore new ways of being and connecting with our partners. And to use our mindfulness skills to steady our ship and stay the course.
But as we anticipate moving forward into unchartered emotional territory, we may not realize we’ve gotten a green light. We start to feel anxious or afraid and react as though we’re in danger. But usually, that’s a sign that our old programming is showing up a bit. Our nervous system hasn’t yet adjusted to doing things differently. We haven’t had enough constructive experiences with our partners to know that we’re in a safe zone. The only way we can really find out that conditions are fine is for us to lean forward and give opening up a try. We need to push through our initial anxiety so that we can come more solidly into the present moment and see that we’re okay, that it’s going to be fine. The more we do that, the clearer it will be when the light is green. In fact we’ll likely discover that the light is more often green than we had realized.
The reality is that being in the green light zone is not without moments of discomfort, tension, and anxiety. It’s inevitable that we’ll feel that way when we take a risk to be vulnerable with our partners. Or when they take a risk to be vulnerable with us. When we express difficult feelings or try to address challenging issues. But when we engage with our partners in a mindful way, when we attune to both our and their emotional experience, and do the work to stay regulated, the light stays green. And that’s just what we need to do. We need to continue to use our mindfulness tools to abide with any discomfort that arises and move through it. To attune to our partner’s experience, to stay present and open to them, and to be sensitively responsive. In the doing, we stretch our emotional tolerance and expand the green light zone.
The Other Side of Green
Speaking of stretching, what happens when our partners risk being vulnerable and open with us? Do we open up further in response? Do we welcome their emotional expression with open arms? Does our light continue to stay green?
One might think that it would be a watershed moment when the very thing we’ve been wanting from our partners comes to fruition—their defenses soften and they show a different side of themselves. It can be. Our partners open up and share their longing, their hurt, their sorrow, or their love, and we feel it. It moves us.
But sometimes staying present to our partner’s feelings can be challenging. Sometimes, in addition to the good feelings that arise for us in response, we encounter painful emotions as well; unprocessed feelings from our past that have been buried inside us. For instance, as we take in our partner’s tenderness and care, up comes the sadness and pain of times when our needs weren’t met, when we weren’t seen, valued, and loved in the way we longed for. The exact opposite of what’s happening in the moment.
Although the contrast of feelings can cause a mini internal crisis of sorts, it’s actually a good thing. In his book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, psychologist Christopher Germer refers to this process as “backdraft,” which is what happens when a firefighter opens a door to where a fire has been burning, and as the oxygen rushes in from the outside, there’s a burst of flame.48 Similarly, when our hearts open up to take in emotional nourishment, when we receive our partner’s love, tenderness, care, or validation, painful feelings can sometimes be released. The painful feelings are leaving us as we make room for the new.
Our work in these moments is to stay present, receive, and abide with the feelings that come. To feel the sense of being seen, understood, cared for, and loved, while allowing for the sadness and pain over not having had those things in the past. We do the work of staying, breathing into the tension and constriction so that it opens up, and riding out the painful feelings as they leave us. We develop what psychologist Diana Fosha refers to as our “receptive affective capacity”: our ability to receive the emotional offerings of our partners—their care, empathy, encouragement, recognition, and love.49 In the doing, we change our relational programming; we update our internal perception of our partners, ourselves, and what we can expect in our relationships.
We owe it to ourselves to take in the good and to let ourselves heal the pain from the past. And we owe it to our partners. They need to feel their impact on us. They need to feel received. We all do. We all need to feel felt. We all need to feel and know that we exist in our loved one’s heart.
When we’re in the green light zone, we’re able to give as well as receive. Although it may feel challenging at times, there is a sense of rightness and truth, that what’s happening between us and our partners is constructive. That we’re getting somewhere better.
We need to be mindful of that. We need to recognize that something positive is happening, and we need to acknowledge it. We need to tell them that we appreciate being able to talk in this way. How we’re able to be vulnerable and open with each other. We need to let them know how much it means to us when they let us in or give us room to be heard. That we’re grateful for their understanding, their sensitivity, and their care. Recognition and affirmation fosters more of the same and widens the green light zone.
When the Light Turns Yellow
The yellow light comes on when we’re on the verge of being triggered. Something pushes our buttons, and our nervous system springs into action. If we’re not paying attention, if we’re not tuned in to what’s happening for us emotionally, we miss it. We don’t see the light turn yellow. We don’t notice that we’re starting to feel uncomfortable, that our heart rate is speeding up, that our breathing is getting shallow. We don’t recognize the signs that would tell us that we’re getting activated. We zoom right past them and end up in the red light zone—in a fight-flight-or-freeze response. And, well, you know how the rest of that story goes.
All the work we’ve been doing so far has been about stretching the space between the yellow and red lights—the space between stimulus and response. When we can do that, we can recognize that we’ve gotten activated and calm ourselves down, find our footing, and get back into the green light zone. We can continue to engage with our partners and avoid going down a dead-end street. That’s what we need to do when the light turns yellow.
As you know, the key to recognizing what’s emotionally happening for us is in paying attention to our felt experience, what’s happening in our bodies. When we’re mindful of our internal state and sensitive to the signs, we can tell when we’re getting activated. We can tell when energy is rising inside of us. In those moments, we need to call on our anxiety regulating skills. For example, we can recognize and label what’s happening for us, we can pay attention to our breathing and slow it down, and we can ground ourselves by observing our experience.
Here’s another way we can give ourselves a literal helping hand when the light turns yellow. It’s a simple yet powerful technique; all we need to do is locate the place in our body where we’re feeling activated and put one of our hands on it.50 We might put a hand on our chest, our stomach, our side—wherever we’re feeling a sense of tension, constriction, or agitation. Doing so is calming and grounding. It’s like we’re letting the activated part of us know that we’re paying attention. That we see it and hear it. And that we’re going to be okay. We’re letting it know it can settle down. That we’re not in danger. That we’re able to handle the situation. It’s as though we’re separating out our adult-self from our distressed inner child, so that our core self can lead the way.
Once we’ve taken the edge off a bit, we can then talk about what’s happening for us. We can describe what we’re experiencing instead of being at one with it. We can acknowledge our impulses to lash out or shut down without acting them out. Doing so calms our nervous system and helps us to feel more balanced and in control. We get our observer engaged and assure that the right and left hemispheres of our brain are working together.
So instead of letting your distress get the best of you, observe it and put it into words. You can say something like, “I notice that I’m getting activated. Something’s coming up for me, but I’m trying to stay calm.” Or, “I’m starting to feel defensive, and I don’t want to get ahead of myself or misspeak.” You could use the language of parts and say, “Part of me wants to run, but I’m trying to stay present.” “I think the kid inside of me is getting a little worked up. He’s afraid that ______.” And you could give your partner feedback about their impact on you by saying, “I want to be able to hear what you’re saying, but the way in which you’re talking to me right now is making it challenging for me,” “When you don’t respond, I get anxious. I start to feel afraid that I’m losing you in some way,” or “I get triggered when you don’t seem to be valuing what I am saying.”
As you’re talking, you can slow down your pace and lower the volume. Both help to regulate our internal experience. When we’re getting activated, it’s typical to talk more quickly and to get louder. Both are signs that our nervous system is revving up. Speaking slowly and more softly can help to move it in the other direction. In addition, it deepens our connection to ourselves, and helps us to feel more centered.
The Other Side of Yellow
Of course the yellow light can also come on for our partners. Something happens between us, and they start to get activated. We can sense it, we can see it, we can feel it. While they’re ultimately responsible for attending to their own inner experience and regulating themselves, we can help them out. Especially when it’s obvious that they’re having a hard time. Doing so benefits both of us by helping to keep our experience anchored in the present moment.
So you can say something. You can acknowledge what’s happening for your partner and suggest slowing down. You can say, “It seems as though you may be having a reaction. Let’s just slow down and take our time.” You can express the empathy you feel, “I sense that you’re feeling afraid right now (or anxious, hurt, vulnerable, and the like), and I feel for you. I want to help. I want to support you.” You can simply suggest that you both pause and take a moment. Working pauses into our conversations can give us both space to be reflective and come back to center. You can also give them some time if they need it before proceeding. In addition, you can talk to them in a calm, soft voice, and slow down your rate of speech since doing so can be calming for their nervous system as well.
We can also try to be mindful of the ways in which we impact our partners, the ways in which our reactions and behaviors affect them. For instance, if we get activated and seem to be shutting down or on the verge of lashing out, our partner’s attachment system may spring into action. Based on their own programming, he or she may read what’s happening for us as a threat and can get triggered.
When we’re mindful of these dynamics, we can ease our partner’s distress by telling them what’s happening for us. For instance, if you get quiet, you can reassure them that you’re not withdrawing, but that you need a moment to think. Or you can explain to them that although you may have sounded angry, you’re actually feeling vulnerable or anxious inside. Being sensitive in this way to your partner’s experience can go a long way toward helping them stay in the green light zone. And you both benefit.
Paying attention to the emotional dynamics that occur when we interact with our partners affords us greater control over how they’ll go. When we’re attuned to what’s happening between us, we can make better choices in terms of how we respond. We can stop when the light turns red. We can slow down and proceed with caution when the light turns yellow. And we can freely move forward when the light is green.
Being attuned to these dynamics is a skill that we can grow. The more we do it, the better we’ll be at discerning where we’re at as we communicate with our partners, and we can steer the experience in a helpful direction. So seize the opportunity to practice tracking your experience whenever it arises. Throughout your day as you interact with others, even in low stress situations, pay attention to how you’re feeling. Notice what the energy is like. Notice whether the channel of communication feels open, closed, or somewhere in-between. Notice whether you’re getting a green, yellow, or red light signal. On whose side of the interaction is it? Yours? The other person’s? Or both? Repeatedly observing these dynamics without judging them will help cultivate mindfulness in your interactions with others that you can draw on when relating with your partner.
Leaning In
Sharing more of ourselves with our partners can be challenging. It feels uncomfortable. But it is precisely this discomfort that tells us we’re on the right path. It’s showing us where we’re stuck, where we’ve been holding back. It’s showing us where fear has been getting in our way and thwarting our potential. It’s showing us where opportunity lies. We need to recognize its message and lean into it. We need to find a way to move through the discomfort and show up in our relationships in our entirety. To express the core feelings, needs, and desires that we’ve been too afraid to share. That’s the path toward health.
We don’t have to do it all at once. We can lean into our discomfort and share our feelings a little at a time. When the discomfort eases up a bit, and it will, we can lean in a little further and share a bit more. We can use our mindfulness skills to ease the way. We can slow ourselves down. We can notice what’s happening in our bodies, what’s happening for our partners, and what’s happening between us. We can keep grounding ourselves in the here and now and then lean in a little further. Over time our capacity to be present emotionally with our partners will expand and our fears will subside.
Opening up with our partners, letting them see us in our entirety, is an act of love. As Brené Brown points out, “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.”51 We honor ourselves and our loved ones. We create the kinds of relationships with our partners we were meant to have. We become the people we were meant to be. We leave the past behind and come more fully into the present.
Such was the case for my client Blake who you met earlier in the chapter. He seized the moment. He stuck his toe in the water and embarked on an emotional journey, one that would transform him and his relationship with his wife. What did he do? He emotionally opened up. He leaned in and began sharing his feelings with his wife. The emotions his old programming had told him were off limits. His worries, his fears, his disappointment, and his sadness.
It’s not that it wasn’t challenging at times for Blake. It was. Sometimes he and his wife would fall back into their old patterns of behavior. Sometimes their defenses would get the best of them. But inevitably, after the dust settled, Blake would come back around and continue onward, and to his wife’s credit, so did she. They both kept leaning in, sharing more of themselves, letting the other in. Over time the tension they had frequently felt between them subsided and was replaced by a deep sense of connection, closeness, and security.
Now, looking back in time, Blake is struck by the changes in him. No longer constrained by his early conditioning, he experiences himself, his wife, and his relationship very differently. He explained, “I feel like my wife and I are partners now, on an equal footing, whereas in the past I felt as though I was a child and she was an authority figure. I was afraid to let her see what was inside of me or express how I felt. I just wouldn’t do it. But now it’s totally different. I don’t feel judged. I don’t have to hide. Now it feels safe. Now I can say, ‘I’m feeling this or I’m not feeling that, or this is what I need.’ I would have never done that before.”
Then as Blake reflected on how he once felt compelled to try to escape his feelings, he drew on his knowledge of mechanics to describe his experience. He said, “I guess I thought I could run really fast through my feelings and not be affected by them. But that’s a bit like trying to slice through liquid. You can’t. You can swipe your hand through it, and for the first second you can part it, but it always closes back in on you. That’s how it was with my feelings. They always came back around. The pressure really never went away.
“Now, I don’t need to run through them. I don’t need to escape. I can be still and feel them move through me. Now I can just be. I can just be me. And it’s fine.”
• A “soft startup” to a difficult conversation can have a positive impact on how it will end up going.
• When expressing our feelings to our partners, we can use the Triangle of Experience to help put our emotional experience into words.
• Using the language of parts or referring to our inner child can make it easier for us to talk about our feelings with our partners and helps to convey the complexity of our emotional experience.
• As we share our feelings with our partners, we should aim to communicate in a way that minimizes defensiveness and maximizes receptivity.
• Coming to our experience with a “beginner’s mind” can help us to see our partners with fresh eyes and discover other points of view.
• Empathy is what enables us to feel, see, know, and love one another and is a key component in successful relationships.
• Making eye contact enhances our ability to empathize as the eyes and the muscles around them convey one’s emotions.
• When we’re interacting with our partners we need to be mindful of our own emotional experience and our partner’s emotional experience, as well as what’s happening between us.
• We can use the Triangle as a communication “traffic light” of sorts, helping us to know when it’s best to stop, wait, or go when talking with our partners.
• Taking in good feelings can sometimes bring up painful feelings from the past. Allowing for both is healing.
• Emotionally opening up with our partners is a process. Over time, our capacity to be emotionally present with our partners will expand, and our fears will subside.
