CHAPTER 10

FIGHT OUR WAY TO A BETTER MARRIAGE

Dr. Greg Smalley and Erin Smalley

It is sometimes essential for a husband and a wife to quarrel —they get to know each other better.

 —GOETHE, CIRCA LATE 1700S

YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS CONFLICT.

Now before you call us crazy and toss the book aside, give us an opportunity to prove one of the greatest truths that we’ve learned after twenty-three years of marriage and thousands of hours working with couples: Healthy conflict can be the doorway to the deepest levels of intimacy and connection in your relationship.

We know this sounds counterintuitive. Conflict and intimacy together seem paradoxical or even absurd. Maybe you grew up in a home where your parents fought all the time and never really got along. Perhaps they avoided conflict altogether and existed like two ships silently passing in the night or as “roommates.” Many parents divorce claiming “irreconcilable differences” because they can’t successfully navigate their differences —to make their differences work for them instead of against them. Some of you watched your parents go behind closed doors to argue, and you don’t have the foggiest idea how they worked through their problems. But none of this matters now.

No matter how your parents handled (or didn’t handle) conflict, you can create a new legacy for your family. You and your future spouse have the opportunity to use conflict —those times when you’re hurt, annoyed, frustrated, wounded, confused, angry, and discouraged with each other —to actually grow closer together. This isn’t fancy double-talk or a sales pitch. We believe that next to your relationship with the Lord, this is one of the most important aspects of preparing for a satisfying, lifelong marriage.

It’s imperative that you learn how to face your differences as a couple and work through disagreements and hurt feelings. But this will require a different mind-set. Refuse to subscribe to the prevailing wisdom in our culture that says a lack of conflict is a sign of a healthy marriage. That’s insane! It’s not possible to take a man and a woman whom God created so wonderfully different and expect that they’ll never disagree. That’s ridiculous. You will argue, quarrel, wrangle, bicker, and clash from time to time. As author Max Lucado put it, “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”[27]

In other words, you will disagree (accept this fact), but what is optional is how you manage those moments when you don’t see eye to eye or you hurt each other. You can choose to manage your conflict in either healthy or unhealthy ways. Allow this truth to penetrate deep within your mind and heart: Conflict is good; combat is bad.

Facing your differences and problems is a healthy aspect of a strong marriage. We believe that’s why Jesus strongly encouraged us in Matthew 5:23–24 to deal with relationship problems so that our hearts can be right:

If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

On the other hand, yelling, withdrawing, belittling, criticizing, avoiding, and escalating (combat) will ultimately ruin your marriage. As a matter of fact, some of the best marriage researchers on the planet can predict with a high degree of certainty whether a marriage will succeed or fail simply based on how a couple deals with conflict. If they argue without ever resolving their issues or consistently avoid conflict altogether, their marriage is at risk for divorce.[28] The apostle Paul recognized this same truth when he wrote, “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:15). It’s not how many arguments you have with your future spouse; it’s how you manage them that makes all the difference.

Proverbs 18:19 tells us, “An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars” (NLT). The bottom line is, your marriage will not last if you’re unable or unwilling to work through your issues.

By the way, we’re not saying that you should “like” conflict or intentionally create it. This is why the apostle Paul wrote, “Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?” (Romans 6:1). Obviously we shouldn’t go looking for a fight or intentionally push each other’s buttons. You’re never going to like conflict in your relationship. We all hate to feel disconnected, hurt, frustrated, and shut down with each other. The only one who ever wins if you stay in disharmony is the Evil One. He wants to “steal and kill and destroy” your marriage (John 10:10).

So hear us correctly. We’re not suggesting that you should strive to enjoy conflict. Instead, use those moments of disagreement to strengthen your marriage. We really like how marriage expert Dr. John Gottman puts it:

If there is one lesson I have learned from my years of research it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim “we never fight” is a sign of marital health. But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That’s how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.[29]

Otherwise, poorly managed conflict is always buried alive, and it often festers until it becomes a much bigger problem. In the end, buried issues end up exploding like a massive volcano, leaving your spouse in its destructive wake.

So don’t put your upcoming marriage at risk; instead, learn how to successfully manage those times when you experience conflict. Make a decision today that you will keep short accounts with each other. Keeping short accounts isn’t about keeping score, sweeping your problems under the rug so that they mount up, or arguing in unhealthy ways. Instead, it means that you work through conflict as quickly as possible and in healthy ways —the opposite of combat. The goal is never to avoid your problems and keep peace at any price.

As one author wrote, “Peace . . . is not just the absence of war. It’s the opposite of war.”[30] Make your goal to quickly repair your relationship. We really like how author Sabrina Beasley McDonald describes it:

Keep short accounts and extend forgiveness regularly. Nothing will ruin a desire to be with your spouse faster than resentment and bitterness. In return, it also ruins your spouse’s desire to be with you. Fights are going to happen in marriage; there’s no way around it. But you can choose to handle these conflicts in the right way and build up your marriage instead of tearing it down.[31]

Now let’s turn our attention to the difference between unhealthy conflict and healthy conflict.

Why Do We Fight?

We hope you’re hearing us say that conflict in a marriage is inevitable, and it can actually be a really good thing for your marriage if you manage it in healthy ways. But unfortunately, the old adage “Easier said than done” aptly applies when talking about conflict. In other words, it’s one thing to say that conflict can benefit our marriages —in theory that makes sense. However, it’s quite another thing to go from a disagreement to connection. Make no mistake; it’s hard to put into practice healthy conflict principles. We were reminded of this reality not too long ago when we were doing a marriage seminar in Tokyo, Japan.

Before the start of the seminar, Erin, our seventeen-year-old daughter, Murphy, and I (Greg) took a few days to sightsee around Tokyo. As the travel planner, I bought a great book on what to do in Tokyo. One of the most popular tourist destinations turned out to be a beautiful park called Meiji Shrine. It’s located in a dense forest that covers about 175 acres. There are several ponds, old bridges, and paths that zigzag throughout the park. In preparation for our day trip, I thoroughly researched how to walk there from our hotel, which paths to take in the park for the best sightseeing spots, and a variety of other important information. I had this all worked out and planned perfectly.

However, it took us a long time to walk to the park because I got us lost a few times, so by the time we arrived at the entrance gate, we were pretty exhausted. Once we got into the park, the path immediately forked. I had planned on us taking the long way through so we could see this one particular bridge overlooking a gorgeous pond. But when we arrived at the fork, Erin and Murphy wanted to take the shortest route because they were already worn out from all the walking we’d done just to get to the park.

So instead of following me as I turned down the path I had mapped out, Erin and Murphy started walking the other way.

“You’re going the wrong way,” I cautioned.

“We’re tired,” they said in unison, “and this looks like the shortest route.”

“But this way is the more picturesque way, and I want to take a family picture by the bridge and pond.”

“But we’re exhausted,” Erin responded.

“Fine,” I snapped, “let’s go your way.” And I started walking in their direction —the opposite way.

I think Erin and Murphy were stunned by my reaction. I really don’t think they realized how much I wanted to go the other way. So once they realized how important the “scenic” route was, they started walking in that direction —my planned-out route. However, I was already huffing and puffing down the shorter path, not even looking back because I was frustrated with both of them.

I remember evenutally looking back at my wife and daughter thinking they’d turn around and follow me. I’m sure they thought the same thing about me: Surely he won’t leave us and storm off mad.

Sadly, my wife and daughter greatly underestimated my stubbornness! Once I realized that they weren’t going to follow me, I really got upset and wanted to teach them a lesson. Since I had carefully studied the map, I knew that the two paths would eventually merge back together farther into the park. So I figured that I could angrily march my way for a while, and then we’d meet up and the girls could apologize. Remember, I still thought I was the one who’d been wronged!

My revised plan seemed perfect, until the girls didn’t show up at the spot where the trails merged back together. I waited and waited until I realized something awful: My wife and daughter are lost . . . in a foreign country . . . without any money or clue where they are. I quickly surmised that I was in big trouble!

So before I explain how this conflict could possibly have a happy ending that resulted in a deeper level of connection and intimacy with my wife, I want to explain an extremely important point about conflict. As in our story, when you argue, it’s never really about whatever the issue or topic is that you’re fighting about (such as money, household chores, children, sex, work, leisure time, in-laws, which walking path to take, etc.). These topics appear to be what’s driving the conflict, but it’s an illusion.

What is really happening during an argument is that your “button” gets pushed. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “He just pushed my button” or “She is totally pushing my buttons.” When you argue, picture that big Easy button from Staples (the office-product retailer) getting pushed. We all have “easy buttons” (or “hot buttons” as they’re sometimes called) throughout our bodies. One author describes them this way:

Everyone has “hot buttons.” They’re your tender spots, the places where you’re most sensitive, the points where you get irritated, or hurt, or angry, and have to respond. . . .

Hot buttons are . . . triggered by specific events or circumstances. . . . When triggered they typically take over and direct your behavior. They also carry a strong emotional charge when they’re activated, so that behavior is going to be emotional and extreme. There’s nothing rational or considered about a response that comes from a hot button. It’s pure emotion. . . .

You’ll know you were acting under the influence of a hot button when you regret what you did or said the moment you cool off. The words just popped out; you turned away and slammed the door behind you. You didn’t think about it until afterwards. At the time, it was simply what you had to do. That was a hot button.[32]

Buttons represent sensitive emotions that are easily triggered. We’re not talking about simple feelings like anger, annoyance, worry, sadness, jealousy, boredom, or tiredness. Instead, buttons are intense feelings that are often beyond our awareness. For example, a button is a deep, sensitive emotion that can cause you to feel . . .

Therefore, beyond the fact that we have a sin nature and our default setting as humans is selfishness, a more accurate way to explain what happens when we get hurt or frustrated or argue is that our “emotional buttons” get pushed. Remember, it’s not the day-to-day squabbles over money, chores, in-laws, or directions that drive conflict. The real issue is our sensitive emotions that get triggered and all stirred up. This is what’s so misleading about most arguments. We get so focused on the topic (e.g., money) that we miss the underlying root cause of conflict: the button that got pushed (e.g., feeling controlled).

Once a button is pushed, our hearts close instantly. This is one of the most important parts of understanding conflict. Think of those little roly-poly bugs. You know the ones we’re talking about? Those little grayish armadillo-like bugs that roll up into a small ball when they’re touched. Our hearts act just like those roly-poly bugs. When we feel emotionally “flicked,” our hearts shut down and roll up into a tight ball. Just as you can’t force open a roly-poly bug without killing it, once your fiancé(e)’s heart closes, you can’t pry it open either. Over time, if a couple continues to practice unhealthy conflict, a closed heart will eventually harden. This is how unresolved or unhealthy conflict can kill a marriage.

The conflict goes from being an internal storm to a full-blown hurricane after our buttons have been pushed and our hearts close. We instantly go into reaction mode. This is never good! When we’re all stirred up internally (buttons pushed) and our hearts are shut down, we’re capable of saying or doing any number of things (reactions). Every reaction will be either a “fight” or a “flight.”

Fighters directly engage the other person in order to persuade him or her in some way. They don’t back down or remain silent; they go toe to toe or pursue their spouse around the house. They might get angry, use calm logic, criticize, get sarcastic, yell, throw a tantrum, debate their position, make belittling comments, defend themselves, invalidate their spouse’s feelings, try to fix the problem, find a solution, complain, and so on. It’s as if the Fighter ends up thinking, Since we aren’t going to connect relationally, I might as well win the argument. Fighters jump right into conflict and advocate for their own opinion, viewpoint, or perspective. Thus, Fighters spend the majority of their time in persuasion mode, defending their point of view. The problem with this reaction style is that it always sends the same message: I’m not safe for any meaningful interaction with you.

On the other hand, Flighters emotionally disconnect. We “flight” when we avoid conflict or withdraw from difficult conversations. The key trait of a Flighter is a reluctance to get into a disagreement (avoidance) or to stay with an important conversation (withdrawal). Flighters don’t want to rock the boat, so they fly below the radar or stay out of the fray.

Withdrawal can be as obvious as walking out of the room or as subtle as staying put but logging off emotionally. A Flighter may withdraw by becoming silent or may quickly agree to a solution just to end the discussion with no intention of ever returning to the conversation. It’s not as if they don’t talk or interact; instead, they avoid sensitive issues, work hard to minimize conflict, and believe there is little to gain from getting upset. Their motto is “Relax! Problems have a way of working themselves out.” In avoidance mode, Flighters may use the phrase agree to disagree time and time again —which means they avoid conversations they think will end in conflict. A person who chooses to “flight” and disengage always sends the same message: I’m disconnecting from any meaningful interaction with you.

To recap, unhealthy conflict happens when your buttons get pushed, your heart closes, and you go into reaction mode (fight or flight). Do you see why this doesn’t help a marriage thrive, and why this can kill a marriage? Nothing good will ever come from this unhealthy cycle because it’s the exact opposite of love. Whereas love is patient, kind, content, humble, polite, selfless, calm, grateful, and so on, closed-heartedness generates these negative reactions that drive you both apart.

Sadly, when your heart is closed, God’s love is no longer flowing between you and your future spouse. And this is exactly where Satan wants you —loveless, disconnected, and isolated. This is why we’re warned in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Satan wants to devour you and your marriage. And all he needs is a small foothold that instantly appears when you argue. Ephesians 4:26–27 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (emphasis added). So instead of staying in reaction mode when you experience conflict with your spouse-to-be, how can you use the disagreement to drive you to the deepest levels of intimacy and connection? We promise it’s possible!

Managing Conflict in Healthy Ways

To break out of an unhealthy cycle of conflict, you must first understand a commonly held myth about working through an argument. In our culture, the most common advice for a married couple who is in the middle of a conflict goes something like this: You need to sit down and calmly talk through the issue. It isn’t that Erin and I (Greg) don’t agree with the advice. Ultimately, we do need to resolve our conflicts, and that takes communication. The problem we have with the advice is the when. At what point should a couple begin to talk through the problem?

To answer this question, think about the last time you were hurt or frustrated with your fiancé(e) —a time when your buttons were pushed, your heart was closed, and you were in reaction mode (fight or flight). Now, when you were in that state, when was the last time you were genuinely able to have a good, productive, Christlike conversation with your fiancé(e)? By the way, most people answer with a resounding “Never!”

Honestly, most people don’t end up having a healthy discussion, because it’s almost physically impossible. They’re too stirred up emotionally, their hearts are closed, and they’re reacting. When you’re in this state of mind, reflect on what’s going on physiologically in your body —your heart races, your blood pressure rises, and rational thoughts are no longer possible. This is why Erin and I think the worst advice we could give a couple in conflict is to encourage them to first work out the problem together. When your buttons have been pushed, when your heart is closed, and you’re in reaction mode, the unhealthiest first step is to attempt to work out the problem relationally —between you two.

Instead, the best first step is found in Matthew 7:3–5:

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

This is amazing advice from Jesus Himself, and it’s the perfect first step to breaking out of unhealthy conflict. Here, Christ is saying that before you focus on your fiancé(e) and his or her speck, you need to first get the log out of your own eye. In other words, before you try to have a conversation together and talk through the conflict, first deal with you. Therefore, we say that the best thing you can do after your buttons have been pushed is to get your heart back open so that instead of reacting, you can respond to your fiancé(e). Responding is the opposite of reacting. Responding is Christlike because the focus is on loving, caring, listening, understanding, validating, and empathizing. This is why King Solomon wrote, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth” (Proverbs 16:23). In other words, an open heart will guide a healthy conversation. So how do you get your heart to open up again? Let’s go back to Tokyo and to the Meiji Shrine.

I (Greg) ended up searching for Erin and Murphy for about thirty minutes, to no avail. The longer I looked, the more my worry and frustration mounted.

Finally, I found my wife and daughter as they exited the temple shrine. By the way, the shrine tour was the whole reason we had walked there in the first place —and they did it without me.

I was fuming!

“Where were you guys?” I shouted.

“Once you left us,” Erin sarcastically answered, “we just kept on walking. We assumed that you would eventually show up and apologize.”

“Apologize!” I reacted, “Me? You’re the ones who left me. We were supposed to do the tour together. Besides, I’m the only one who knows how to get home!”

At this point Erin and I will spare you the rest of the conversation. We’re quite certain you can imagine how our conflict quickly spiraled downward. However, we hope you see how pointless it is to attempt to work out a conflict as a couple before your hearts are open.

As we walked back toward our hotel in complete silence, we eventually followed Christ’s directive in Matthew 7, and we each stopped focusing on what the other person did or didn’t do —we focused on the log in our own eyes.

Over the years, we have found three simple steps that help us get our hearts open.

1. Call a time-out. Instead of continuing to argue and debate the situation, hit the pause button. In other words, get away from each other for a brief amount of time in order to de-escalate your stirred-up emotions. This is exactly what King Solomon wrote about: “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). Instead of continuing to react (fight or flight), you want to keep yourself under control and calm down.

Some of the things that can help defuse your pushed buttons include taking some deep breaths of air, exercising, taking a walk, cleaning the house, listening to music, praying, journaling your feelings, and so on. The key is to create some space from each other and do something that will calm you down. As you create some space, make sure to let the other person know that you’re taking a time-out to get your heart back open and that you’ll be back later to finish the discussion. This is not withdrawing. Withdrawal is an extremely deadly flight reaction. Calling a time-out insinuates that you just need a short break before you continue the conversation. Research suggests that you might need about twenty minutes to calm down when your buttons have been pushed. Erin and I have made it a rule that the person who calls the time-out should also be the one to initiate getting back together to talk about the conflict —but only when both hearts are open.

2. Identify your emotions. This next step is an important shift in what you’re thinking about. When we’re hurt and frustrated, our thoughts are racing with what the other person did or didn’t do. This is called “stewing.” We can’t stop stewing about how much we were wronged or mistreated. If we continue to think about “them” and replay the conflict over and over in our minds, we’ll stay stirred up. Remember Matthew 7:3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” If you’re going to get your heart open, you have to shift from thinking about your fiancé(e) to focusing on yourself. The way to make this important shift is to do what King David suggested: “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent” (Psalm 4:4).

While you’re in your time-out, start focusing on your emotions —the voice of your heart. Ask yourself, “What button just got pushed?” You want to name the button (identify the emotion). This will continue to calm you down and open your heart. You might be thinking, Whatever, Dr. Smalley! However, there is actual research from UCLA that shows by simply naming what you’re feeling, your brain activity will shift from the amygdala —your fight-or-flight center —to a much more rational part of the brain —the prefrontal cortex.[33] This simple act not only begins to impact the state of your closed heart, but it impacts what is going on in your body physiologically. The goal is to defuse your buttons, and identifying what you’re feeling allows this to happen!

After the Meiji Shrine incident, as I (Greg) walked in silence behind my wife and daughter toward the hotel (in my self-imposed time-out), I started trying to put a name to what I was feeling, identifying the buttons that had been pushed. I quickly realized that I felt disrespected and unappreciated. It wasn’t that Erin or Murphy were trying to disrespect me or not appreciate me, but this was how I interpreted their behavior. I had put a lot of time into researching the attractions at the park. It was very stressful to be the one in charge of planning our trip. To me, it felt like they weren’t respecting or appreciating how much work I’d put into figuring out all of the details.

Erin and I always tell people to treat their feelings as information. Emotions are neither right nor wrong, good nor bad; they’re just really helpful pieces of information. When a warning light goes off on your car’s dashboard, it’s a good idea to figure out what it means. In the same way, God created your emotions to function just like your car’s warning lights. When you’re feeling something or a button has been pushed, it’s a source of great information. The amazing part is how simply putting a name to your emotions can calm you down.

Armed with some great information about your emotions, now you’re ready for the final step.

3. Discover the truth. One of the biggest mistakes people make with their emotions is to either ignore them or act upon them. Remember, emotions represent nothing more than information. But we should never mindlessly act on any information without evaluating it first. The best way to evaluate your emotions or feelings (the buttons) is to take that information to the Lord. You’re searching for His truth about you and your fiancé(e). As humans, we aren’t the source of truth. The Scriptures make it extremely clear that Christ is truth: “Jesus [said], ‘I am the way and the truth and the life’” (John 14:6).

If you try to determine the validity of your emotions and thoughts about your future spouse, you’re at risk of believing lies. Remember, we have an adversary. Satan is the “father of lies” (John 8:44), and he wants you to believe lies about your fiancé(e). He wanted me to see Erin as a disrespectful and unappreciative wife. But I don’t want his lies; I want the truth. This is why the apostle Paul wrote, “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2). I don’t want to trust my own interpretations and perceptions of what my wife does; I want God’s perspective, because ultimately, He is the source of truth.

When my heart is closed, my view becomes distorted. I lack God’s insight, wisdom, and truth. The apostle Paul put it this way: “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts” (Ephesians 4:18). This final step is all about abandoning your own conclusions about your fiancé(e) and pursuing God’s truth. The great news is that God is faithful. He only wants what’s best for you and your fiancé(e), and He is committed to restoring unity. He wants us to follow the apostle Paul’s plea: “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another, so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10). God will give you a peace about your emotions that “surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7, ESV) and will help you see the truth about your fiancé(e).

As I walked and prayed that day in Japan, God gave me such clarity about my wife and daughter. I quickly realized the truth: They were tired; they weren’t trying to disrespect me. After realizing what was actually true and working to reopen our hearts, we were then ready to talk and restore our relationships. Do you see why it’s so important to first get your heart open before you attempt to talk through a conflict with your fiancé(e)? To us, this is why King Solomon’s advice —“A wise man’s heart guides his mouth” —is so appropriate. We’ll never have a loving, Christlike conversation until our hearts are open.

As the three of us walked toward the hotel, I gently asked if we could talk about what happened —“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). I knew my heart was fairly open and that I had a pretty clear sense of God’s truth. So I asked Erin and Murphy to help me understand what happened at the fork in the path —what it felt like when I walked off upset.

Erin talked about how she felt “misunderstood” and “misjudged.” These were the buttons that got pushed for her. In the first place, she didn’t understand how important going the long way was to me. She thought that I was judging her for something that she didn’t even know about and that I didn’t take time to understand how much her feet were hurting. Once she realized that I really wanted to go the scenic route, she had then wanted to please me. But when I walked off upset, it confused her and left her feeling misunderstood and judged.

Since my heart was now open, I was able to validate the feelings she expressed. If my heart had still been closed, I would again have begun to defend my actions. If this happens to you, start over with step one —a time-out. The important thing to realize is that it’s worth it! Until your heart is open, the conversation will never go anywhere helpful or satisfying, because ultimately a closed heart will just do further damage to the one you love most!

Murphy felt controlled and abandoned when I walked away. She has such amazing strength and is independent just like Erin. I love this about my wife and daughter. But when I tried to get Murphy to go the longer way, she felt like I was trying to control her. And then when I stormed off, she felt that I abandoned her. Wow! I had no idea that Murphy would ever feel abandoned by me.

Once I listened, understood, validated, and empathized with Erin and Murphy, their hearts quickly softened toward me. Then they asked why I had left in the first place. It felt great to have them validate and appreciate the difficult job of being tour guide. The three of us stood hugging in the middle of the sidewalk in downtown Tokyo. I’m sure we received some strange looks and interesting comments: Those crazy Americans!

The Real Value of Conflict

Certainly the Smalley family didn’t handle the beginning of the Tokyo argument very well. Some might even suggest that it was rather unhealthy. And yet when it has to do with conflict, what ultimately matters most is not how you begin but how you end. This is something that Erin and I (Greg) have learned over and over in our marriage: When conflict is managed in a healthy way, people feel safe to open their hearts and reveal who they really are. They feel open to display their uniqueness and opinions and share their concerns, hurts, fears, and frustrations. This is true intimacy. This is why conflict is a doorway to intimacy and why your marriage needs conflict.

Sadly, many couples don’t see the value of conflict because of past negative experiences. Maybe they didn’t see healthy conflict modeled growing up, or perhaps they haven’t handled disagreements successfully over the course of their marriage. Thus, most couples fail to notice the potential benefits just waiting to be discovered.

Healthy conflict . . .

Isn’t this a great list of what conflict can do if we learn to walk through it in a healthy way? It can “bestow on [us] a crown of beauty instead of ashes,” as the prophet Isaiah put it (Isaiah 61:3). This is exactly why healthy conflict can be a doorway into intimacy and connection. The moment you get into an argument with your future spouse, there is an open door to discover something new about him or her, your relationship, and yourself. Instead of reverting to old patterns of reactions when our buttons get pushed, why can’t our mind-set be, I’m thankful for this disagreement because we have an opportunity to deepen our understanding and intimacy?

We want to leave you with this observation about conflict from my (Greg’s) father, Dr. Gary Smalley:

Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It rears its head in even the healthiest, most deeply intimate of marriages. It is how you handle conflict that will determine how it affects your relationship, for better or for worse. Again, the most important aspect is not how much you love each other or how committed you are to your relationship or the strength of your faith; optimum relationships depend on how adeptly you handle conflict. Every instance of conflict represents two divergent paths: you can use it to either grow together or grow apart[35]. . . . Open the door. Walk through —and you learn more about the delights of marriage than you ever dreamed possible.[36]

Erin and I love that thought —we can use conflict to either grow closer together or further apart. And we hope you now see that tapping into the power of healthy conflict is a matter of opening the door, not closing it. Sometimes you may want to slam the conflict door shut or at least lock it when your future spouse has an issue with you. However, look at the growth opportunities you’d be missing out on.

You have a choice to make. You can use unproductive patterns of dealing with conflict or walk through the doorway of healthy conflict into the deepest levels of intimacy and connection to the place the apostle Paul envisioned for marriage:

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

EPHESIANS 4:31–32, ESV

The choice is yours!

Ready to Talk

  1. What’s your definition of fight? By that definition, have you and your future mate had your first fight yet? If you’d read this chapter first, how might that fight have gone differently? If you haven’t had a fight yet, what ideas from this chapter could you use to make sure your first major conflict is a constructive experience?
  2. How do you typically handle conflict with your fiancé(e)? When your buttons get pushed within your relationship, are you more of a “fighter” or a “flighter”? What are some of the ways that you typically react (e.g., defend yourself, withdraw, stuff your feelings, emotionally log off, debate, become angry or saracastic, criticize, give the silent treatment)?
  3. What conflict-triggering “buttons” do you have? From the following list, what are some of the more sensitive emotions that get triggered when you get into an argument or when you feel hurt, frustrated, upset, or fearful?

    Talk about where some of these buttons came from. It might be a specific experience growing up or just an emotion you’ve become sensitive to. Be careful not to joke about or minimize your fiancé(e)’s buttons.

Ready to Try

Together, watch a TV sitcom or drama featuring a couple who argues, bickers, or trades insults. (If you don’t want to view a whole episode, look for YouTube clips.) Then talk about the episode. Does the fighting seem funny, painful, or sad? How do you feel when you see or hear a couple fighting? Do you have memories of parents yelling or giving each other the silent treatment? Do you avoid conflict as a result? Or do you think it’s normal —or even to be encouraged? In what ways do you want your fighting to be like or unlike what you’ve observed at home or in entertainment?