CHAPTER 11

TEAMMATES: ENDING THE CHORE WARS BEFORE THEY START

Susan and Dale Mathis

DOESN’T IT FEEL GREAT to do something special for another person, just to bless him or her? There’s something so gratifying about helping an elderly woman with her groceries or a small child tie his shoe, or sending a get-well card to someone who is sick, or taking a plate of cookies to a busy mom. It warms our hearts even as it blesses the other person. And it often means more than we realize. Each act of service is a tiny way for us to be like Jesus, and it’s a beautiful thing.

According to God’s plan, you are here on this earth to love and serve, so that’s why you find joy in doing things for others. If that’s the case, then your future role as a husband or wife should primarily be to love and serve your mate.

When it comes to roles and responsibilities in marriage, the reality is that there will be times when one of you will need to do a lot of extras. It’ll feel as though you’re pulling 90 percent of the load, and your spouse isn’t doing his or her fair share. But that’s what having a servant’s heart is all about. Dale and I (Susan) learned about this firsthand not long after we married. I was busy launching a new magazine, and Dale stepped up in amazing ways to serve me during that time.

I was working fifty to sixty hours a week, and it was a stressful and exhausting time. It was difficult for me to juggle the household responsibilities and the extra work, but Dale selflessly picked up so much of the slack —shopping, cleaning, cooking —nearly doing it all! He didn’t complain or make me feel guilty; he just served. And because I knew he hated shopping and cooking but did it anyway, I felt cherished even during such a stressful time when I felt bad about not doing my part.

Shortly after that, Dale was dealing with some serious health issues, and I had the opportunity to serve him. In fact, after much discussion and prayer, I left the work I loved to be home with him, support him, go to his doctors’ appointments with him, and be there for him.

In the course of daily life, married couples can become distracted and forget about the joy and rewards of doing acts of service for each other. All too often, they begin to view the duties, everyday tasks, stress-producing errands, minute-by-minute decisions, and even their roles as husband and wife as irritations rather than opportunities to serve. When this happens, they simply miss the precious blessing found in serving one another.

Ephesians 6:7 says, “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not [people].” Wow! If only we applied this to our everyday responsibilities and roles, what a difference it would make in our marriages.

As you begin your life together, what do you think it will look like to intentionally and regularly serve each other —with a whole heart? Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, working in the yard, caring for the kids, running errands, or showing love for each other, if the responsibilities and decisions that need to be completed each and every day are done with a servant’s heart, the benefits you reap will be worth the effort! Conflict will be alleviated, you’ll be more productive, and your hearts and home will be much more peaceful. That’s pretty amazing!

Ephesians encourages us to have a servant’s heart, to put our needs behind other people’s needs, and to have an unselfish determination to serve others. Jesus Himself spent His life serving others, and the Bible is filled with stories of how He served people by healing the sick, feeding the multitudes, and even washing His disciples’ feet. Then He gave His life for us all —the ultimate sacrifice. He set a very high standard for us to emulate, but whenever two people choose to selflessly serve each other, there is peace, contentment, satisfaction, and love like nothing else.

Preparing for the adventure of marriage by cultivating a heart to serve can make your daily life a joy. And choosing to have a servant’s attitude toward all the responsibilities, duties, chores, and roles of married life will help you find balance as a couple and give you a healthy way of sharing the workload to accomplish the everyday stuff of family life.

Let’s take a look at roles, responsibilities, and decision making in marriage from the perspective of serving each other. We think you’ll see how it can make a positive difference in navigating the challenges of everyday life.

Roles

Children who grew up in a home with both parents inevitably witnessed the roles their parents modeled as husband and wife —for good or bad. They also saw how responsibilities and decision making worked and watched the way their parents served in the home —or not. The culture, our peers, our churches, our education, and the media also taught us about roles in marriage.

As you prepare for marriage, now is the time to analyze and assess what you experienced in your family of origin and decide what you want to take into your marriage and what you want to intentionally leave behind. What you learned growing up, either consciously or unconsciously, can often influence your thinking now. And some of what you learned about marital roles may conflict with other views and leave you with confusing messages. But if you start out your marriage basing your roles upon a foundation of selfless service, the power games and control issues that couples so often face should be infrequent and may even melt away in love.

Karen and Matt grew up in traditional homes where the male and female roles were clearly delineated, so they unconsciously fell into doing the same things their parents did. Karen cared for the kids and the inside of the home, while Matt took care of the outside and brought home the bacon. But their marriage was littered with frustration, power games, manipulation, control, stubbornness, and dissension —until they discovered God’s thoughts on the matter.

One day Karen had enough. Matt’s increasing demands and self-centered actions became unbearable. She had a heart to serve, but there was only one servant in the house, and that was one too few. Something needed to change.

She stomped her foot and shook her head. “I slave every day cooking and cleaning and keeping this house immaculate. The least you could do is help me once in a while!”

“I work hard all day, and I’m tired when I come home,” Matt said. “Besides, that’s woman’s work!”

“Are you serious? I work hard all day too, and yet you come home and sit in front of the computer or TV all night long. When do I get a break?”

“Would you stop all this drama?”

Karen looked at him, appalled, and then stormed out of the house. She was done.

Clearly Matt was lacking a servant’s heart, and the roles Karen and Matt had fallen into when they first married weren’t working. Karen was tired, and Matt was inconsiderate. Below the surface was a bigger issue: the stereotypical beliefs about the roles they expected each other to fulfill.

From the very beginning of your marriage, and even before, all kinds of decisions, duties, and responsibilities will need to be fulfilled. Just planning your wedding entails making lots of decisions. Who will be responsible to do what? How will you complete it all in time? For many couples, this becomes the first big challenge in marriage: fulfilling their roles and responsibilities together. When you’re married, working out the responsibilities of life becomes a daily —and sometimes hourly —opportunity to serve each other well or rub one another the wrong way. Preparing for the adventure of daily life —before you get in the middle of it —is a wise way to go!

How will you divide up all the tasks that need to be done, including the chores, finances, work, duties, and decisions? How will you get everything done with the limited time you have? Who will run which errands or do which chores? It can become complicated, stressful, and frustrating if you let it fall to chance.

And what about the roles you will be expected to fulfill every day? You’ll soon take on your roles as wife and husband, and someday you may have the roles of mother and father. But you’ll also maintain the roles of adult child, friend, employee, citizen, church member, and so on. Each of these roles comes with certain expectations and obligations, and with them responsibilities, duties, and stresses. So how will you intentionally prepare to navigate the roles of husband and wife?

The roles that Karen and Matt stumbled into became an unhealthy pattern of relating to each other that eventually threatened to destroy their relationship. Matt thought that a man’s role was to keep things in control, to lead, to pay the bills, and to demand submission. Karen fell into her role by default, until she could stand it no longer. Finally they both realized that their marriage was dysfunctional at best, so they decided to get some counseling. Once they understood God’s better plan for their life together as husband and wife, they were able to make some life-changing adjustments. They found that serving each other selflessly was a wonderfully liberating way to live together!

Keep in mind that however you view your roles, it’s important to share your feelings with each other and agree on what will work for both of you —you’re on the same team. The process you use to arrive at a win-win decision is more important than the actual decision. God created the man to be the provider and protector of his wife and family. As a servant-leader, he is called to gently and patiently guide his family in much the same way Jesus guided and led His followers.

God created the woman to be a completer and helpmate for her husband and family. As a life-giving servant, she can bring nurturing and balance into family life in a beautiful way that only a woman can.

Selfishness and self-centeredness are contrary to the Ephesians 6 command. Serving and sacrifice are at the center of it. With these qualities as a firm foundation for marriage, the man’s role as a servant-leader and the woman’s role as a servant-helper become amazingly gratifying and wonderfully bonding.

Moreover, it takes two people serving each other to make a healthy marriage. While dating, we often hide our natural, self-centered tendencies and put on our best appearance. Though we’re all imperfect people struggling to do our best, each of us can be a little selfish at times. We can all get moody or lazy, stubborn or inconsiderate. But what you want to discern before your wedding day is whether your future mate really does have a servant’s heart, or whether he or she has a pattern of selfish behavior that will become detrimental to your marriage.

Is your future mate humble and flexible? Does he or she have a cooperative attitude and a serving mentality? If so, you’re blessed. On the other hand, does your future mate have control issues, resist submitting to authority, or have a view of roles or accepting responsibility that worries you? Then you should consider the consequences of living with that challenge long term and deal with it now. You may need to speak with a mentor, counselor, or pastor. Share your concerns honestly. Now is the time to deal with any potential challenges.

Responsibilities

Marriage can be quite an adventure —like two people canoeing down a mountain stream in a single canoe. The lead oarsman and the co-oarsman are on the same level, and they work together for a common goal as they stay in sync with each other. They row toward the same destination, but the lead oarsman, who sits in the back, usually steers the canoe, keeps the pace steady, protects them from potential dangers, and works with his partner to reach their destination. They must stay balanced, or the canoe may stray off course. They must stay in sync and connected as a team, or they may tip. They must communicate and adjust to one another, or they’ll have trouble.

So it is with marriage. According to God’s Word, the man is the leader, but he is to lead like Christ —a servant-leader. He is not to be controlling, dominating, or overpowering but to lead the team, like a lead oarsman does, by sacrificially serving his wife, deferring to her, and having the same goals. And the woman should serve, defer, and be in sync with her husband as well.

As husband and wife, each of you will have some special and unique responsibilities that only one of you can fulfill. Though your roles may be different, keep in mind that you are equal in God’s eyes. Both of your roles should work together to make your marriage the great adventure it’s meant to be.

Let’s Talk to the Guys

As the husband and the leader of your home, you will have the awesome, God-given responsibility of loving your wife in the same way “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). You should be willing to sacrifice your life for her, if need be, just as Jesus did for us. But what does that look like in practical terms?

Your fiancée needs to know that your commitment to her is forever. She needs assurance that you will be faithful, loyal, and devoted to her forever. It’s your privilege and responsibility to love her so deeply that she will continually be assured of your commitment to her through the thick-and-thin seasons of married life.

As you embrace your role, you’ll also need to set aside your own needs and desires. Since a husband’s responsibility is to serve his wife as Christ would, that means her needs will often come before your needs.

Another aspect of being a servant-leader is being patient and understanding as you journey together through the ups and downs of married life. The apostle Peter offered this advice:

Live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

1 PETER 3:7, ESV

One of a woman’s greatest needs is to connect with her husband, to be cared for, supported, accepted, and understood. As a husband, you’ll have a great opportunity to meet your wife’s needs in a special and unique way. You can also show your servant-leadership by protecting her physically and emotionally, and this in turn will fulfill her desire to be cherished and cared for. As you serve her in this way, you’ll help her feel safe and valued, accepted and loved. Listen to her. Talk with her. Spend time with her. Serve her with your mind, heart, and body, whether by helping her with the kids or the housework, or by giving her time with her friends when she needs it.

This is all part of God’s amazing design for marriage, which reflects Christ and His church. As you serve each other in love, you’ll be creating a healthy relationship and a life full of joy and peace.

And Now the Ladies

As a wife, you’ll also have the awesome responsibility of serving your husband in a special way. You can help him to be all he can be, and you can serve him in so many large and small ways. You, too, will find yourself sacrificing at times as you serve your husband. But what does that look like in practical terms?

As a helper and completer, and depending on your lifestyle and schedules, the greater share of homemaking responsibilities may fall to you at certain times. However, you and your husband will need to determine what works best for both of you. Marriage is a journey, and you and your future spouse will experience different seasons of life over the years. It’s important to be flexible and willing to serve, as you are able, during each season.

Just as a wife needs to be assured of her husband’s faithfulness (a husband needs that kind of assurance as well), a husband also needs to be respected, appreciated, and affirmed (Ephesians 5:33). When he works hard to provide, or when he protects you, notice the things he does, big or little, and acknowledge them. Whether it’s checking to make sure the doors are locked at night, opening your car door for you, or maintaining your vehicles, show him you appreciate him and verbally affirm him regularly. Though your husband will never be perfect —and neither will you —do your best to applaud the good things he does.

Another important way to serve your husband when you’re married is to respect him. You can show respect by your words, the tone of your voice, and your body language. Love and respect seem to breed love and respect, so that’s a winning plan to implement in your marriage early on.

Many of these things might seem trivial, but they aren’t. They are ways to become the wife God has called you to be. Love and marriage are blessings. Loving the man God has placed in your life is a privilege. As you do these things, I can imagine God saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things” (Matthew 25:21).

Daily Life

So how will you get all those boring, mundane daily duties done, accomplish the never-ending chores, and keep your marital peace and harmony? It’s all about doing what you do best and having a loving attitude of serving each other. It also requires a teammate mentality. Once you’re married, you and your spouse will be on the same team. Therefore, you’ll either win together or lose together. There’s no such thing as a win-lose scenario in a marriage. You can’t win while your spouse loses. That’s an illusion.

When you make decisions about roles and responsibilities in your marriage, make sure you first remind each other that you’re on the same team, and the only acceptable solution is doing something you both feel great about. In other words, make sure you approach decisions with a servant’s mind-set and a teammate mentality. As the apostle Paul wrote, “I appeal to you . . . in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

Let’s face it, all married couples get weary doing the mundane tasks of life —the endless cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking out the trash, and so much more. It can be overwhelming at times. Then kids come along and add lots of extra chores, duties, and responsibilities.

From the very beginning of their marriage, Angie and Chad decided to play to their strengths and “divide and conquer” when it came to their roles, responsibilities, chores, duties, and other everyday tasks. Their plan has been very successful, even years later. Throughout the week, they make a list of what needs to be done and divvy up the list over breakfast. Then on a Saturday morning, they plan their chores and tick them off —whether it’s cleaning, shopping, or running errands.

Over the years they’ve been willing to be flexible. When children came, Chad pitched in to provide extra help around the house and with the kids, and when he had a major job promotion that required travel and longer office hours, Angie understood and did many of Chad’s regular chores. They both hold their list of jobs loosely, and their to-do list is a team project, so they get it done with love and grace. In fact, they use these ten great tips from 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 as their guide:

1. Be patient. Chores are simply a part of life, so be content doing them and avoid grumbling about what needs to be done.

2. Be kind. Serve each other by doing a chore without your partner knowing it or by making dinner when he or she has had a tough day.

3. Don’t envy. Envy and power struggles are unproductive and unloving. Don’t be tied to traditional roles and duties, and be careful not to envy your spouse’s talents. If you’re a good mechanic and he’s a good cook, go with your strengths! Be willing to use your skills and abilities for the good of the team.

4. Don’t be boastful or proud. Tackle daily duties and chores with a humble and sacrificial attitude, and prioritize what’s most important —with both of you in mind.

5. Don’t dishonor each other. Be careful to appreciate the work each of you do, and avoid nit-picking when your spouse doesn’t do something the way you would do it.

6. Don’t be self-seeking. Don’t expect your spouse to do most of the work. Do your fair share and pull your own weight.

7. Don’t be easily angered. When you need to take up the slack and do more than usual for a time, like when one of you is sick or extra busy at work, maintain a heart to serve instead of getting angry or annoyed.

8. Don’t keep a record of grievances or wrongs. Don’t keep score when you feel you’re pulling more of the load in your marriage. Be a team, choose duties fairly, and work together to compromise peacefully.

9. Don’t delight in evil but rejoice in the truth. You can always procrastinate or ignore what needs to be done, but if you manage your time well and deal with things honestly and in a timely manner, both of you will succeed.

10. Always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. Just do it! Lovingly serve each other day in and day out.

The mundane tasks of married life can be transformed when you view them as opportunities to serve and love each other.

Exercise: Who Will Do What?

How will you decide who does what in your marriage? Divvy up the following chores and responsibilities according to your individual strengths. Remember, there will be times when you’ll have to adjust your duties as life changes. But the following list is a good starting point.[37]

 

Decision Making

Married couples are faced with hundreds of decisions to make every day, whether small or large. From deciding to make the bed to choosing when to go to bed, their days are filled with choices and decisions. Before you became engaged, you may have gone through a season of singleness when you learned to be independent and make decisions on your own. You did things the way you wanted, how you wanted, when you wanted. Your decisions were yours and yours alone, and not making a decision became a decision made by default.

Now, your days of independent decision making are about to change. Even if you and your fiancé(e) have been making decisions together during your engagement, married life will take this to a whole new level. When you marry, you and your spouse will need to learn how to become interdependent. Your roles, responsibilities, and decisions as a couple will become intertwined, much like a rope, and you’ll need to figure out how to navigate these overlapping areas and find balance in your life together. The way you approach the decisions and responsibilities of married life will make all the difference in the world. So be sure to approach each decision as a team.

For Leon and Chandra, it was another busy day. With three children, two jobs, a home to maintain, sports, activities, and school, family life was more than full —it was too full. They had too much on their plates, and their family schedule was getting out of hand.

The kids were involved in several extracurricular activities, Chandra was involved in three demanding church groups, and Leon played sports and served on the church elder board. Their family time was nonexistent, and their couple time was suffering too. They had some hard decisions to make, but most important, they needed to make a decision to say no to so much busyness. As a couple they worked together, reevaluated their commitments, and made some big changes. In the process, they found balance again.

As you make decisions, assume responsibilities, and fulfill your roles in marriage, it will help if you figure out how to do this in an interdependent way. For some couples, that’s not easy. The key is learning to work together as a team and finding balance as a couple. But that can go against the grain if you have an independent nature.

How will you and your spouse make decisions, delegate responsibilities, and assume differing roles once you’re married? You’ll need to figure out what will work best for your relationship and how you can best serve each other. Since every couple is unique, intentionally preparing now for the responsibilities to come and discussing them will make life easier later on.

Scripture instructs each of us to “use whatever gift [you have] received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:10). That can sure help you figure out how to delegate marital responsibilities. Ask yourselves, “Who is most gifted in accomplishing certain tasks?” If you or your future spouse has the gift of time or the skill to cook, there’s your answer.

Scripture also says,

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.

2 TIMOTHY 2:23–25, ESV

Wow! If you can avoid arguing over how to fold clothes or do dishes or drive, what a difference it will make in getting daily chores done with peace and kindness.

Finally the Bible tells us that “if anyone serves, he [or she] should do it with the strength God provides” (1 Peter 4:11). The truth is, you can’t do this on your own. The daily roles, responsibilities, decisions, chores, duties, and obligations of marriage will wear you down if you don’t rely on God’s strength day in and day out. He will strengthen you, empower you, and encourage you as you choose to serve each other unselfishly.

As you use your gifts, avoid arguments, and rely on God’s strength, your daily life together can be productive and peaceful. And as you share the workload as a team and find balance so that no one person ends up doing it all, the everyday challenges of married life will be accomplished more easily.

A Better Way

As a couple, you’ll have to make some pretty big decisions throughout the course of your married life. How will you work together to make those bigger decisions —like moving or having a baby or changing jobs, churches, or houses? Each decision should be given as much time, attention, and discussion as each of you needs so that you can come to a mutual decision as a couple. Take your time to make wise decisions, and always approach decision making as a team.

The truth is that making wise decisions can get tricky sometimes. Are all decisions made on a fifty-fifty basis in marriage? What happens if there’s a stalemate? Who makes the final decision when there’s a disagreement as to what the decision might be?

Relational decisions can also get rather sticky. How will you spend your time? When will you have couple time, alone time, or time with friends? And what about church, tithing, moral standards, and giving?

It’s important to try to come to a mutual agreement, no matter how big or small a decision might be. As much as possible, look for a win-win for both of you. To do this, you’ll need to use the communication and conflict-resolution skills presented in this book, cooperate with each other, and compromise when you need to.

Philippians 2:3–4 offers some really good advice: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Pray together about the decisions you need to make, employ God’s Word, and make sure your decisions align with your priorities as a couple. Keep each other’s needs, goals, values, and dreams in mind, but make decisions that will work for both of you. One of you can’t hang out with his or her friends every night while the other sits home alone. Likewise, one of you can’t rack up credit-card bills and ignore the budget.

When you make the wrong decision about something, whether together or separately (and you will!), admit your mistake, forgive each other, learn from it, and avoid blaming one another. Consider getting some outside counsel so you can learn what you can do better the next time around.

Above all, as you begin your life together, keep this in mind: In everything —your roles, responsibilities, duties and chores, and decisions —work together as a team and serve each other selflessly. In doing so, you’ll build a marriage that’s filled with love, productivity, peace, and promise!

SUSAN and DALE MATHIS are the authors of Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage as well as The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love and Happiness. Dale has two master’s degrees in counseling and has worked in counseling and human resources for more than thirty years. Susan is the founding editor of Thriving Family magazine and the former editor and editorial director of twelve unique publications. Susan now serves as a speaker, freelance editor, and writer. For more than a decade, Susan and Dale have worked with couples in premarital counseling and have been mentors and facilitators for a megachurch premarital ministry. Their purpose is to encourage and equip couples with vital and helpful information that will make for a healthy marriage.

Ready to Talk

  1. What does the following relationship truth mean to you? “In a marriage, you and your spouse are on the same team; thus, when you are making decisions, you either will win together or you will lose together —there is no other option.” Talk about when you played a team sport or participated in a team activity. Was there ever a time that you did really well but your team still lost? What was that like? How will you both function as a team when making decisions as a couple?
  2. During your engagement so far, how have you tended to divide up the following chores or activities? How did that happen? Will the same approach to assigning tasks work when you are married? Why or why not?
  3. Look at the story of Mary, Martha, and Jesus in Luke 10:38–42. What were their attitudes toward getting things done? What did Jesus seem to be saying about the relative importance of chores? What do you think He would tell a couple in which one spouse felt like Martha and one acted like Mary? What is the difference between serving your future spouse and sacrificing for your future spouse? How will you incorporate serving and sacrificing into how you make decisions as a couple?

Ready to Try

If possible, take a tour of the place where you’ll live once you’re married. (If not, take a tour of a friend’s or relative’s home.) Pause in each room or area to consider the chores that may be performed there.

Who completed these tasks in your families of origin? Who will do them in the family you’re forming? Which responsibilities could be shared? Who wants to be the King of Vacuuming or the Queen of Car Washing? Don’t try to set these roles in stone, but take a first step toward negotiating a balanced arrangement that takes preferences, skills, gifts, feelings, and fairness into account.