CHAPTER 12

OUR MONEY RELATIONSHIP

Scott and Bethany Palmer

TAKE THE PLUNGE. Tie the knot. Get hitched. Jump the broom.

Ever wonder, Why all the scary phrases?

Your wedding day will be one of the most cherished days of your life, but the fact is that change can be scary. Never fear, you’ve got each other now! No matter the location, whatever the style, your wedding day will be an extraordinary picture of love shared with your family and friends. The aisle, the vows, the hope, the music, the kiss! Pucker up and leave your fears behind!

And yet we’ve found something most engaged couples are seriously afraid of: talking about money. The majority of couples find money discussions scary and uncomfortable, so they typically avoid talking about dollars and cents before they tie the knot.

We certainly did. Just like most couples, we didn’t talk about money before we got married. There were so many other fun subjects to explore or discuss, plus all of those details to attend to —and money never seemed to be one of them.

When we were engaged, we were like every other couple in that respect. One of us thought everything would just work out naturally (Bethany). While the other one was truly very nervous about money before the wedding (Scott) but didn’t really want to talk about it.

Knowing what we know now, we had nothing to fear. Nor do you, because “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7, ESV).

The truth is that conflicts over money can poison our relationships and ruin our marriages, but that doesn’t have to be the case for you and your forever mate. You’ve got this! You don’t need to fear talking about money (or tripping and falling in front of all your family and friends). You can tromp arm in arm right through any money fears and find freedom right from the start in an area that is tearing marriages apart every day.

How do you like to celebrate birthdays?
What is the biggest gift you’ve ever purchased for someone?
What kinds of vacations do you like?
How often should we have date nights?
How many times each week should we dine out?
Is the appearance of our home important to you?
How did your parents talk about money?
How did your parents argue about money?
What stresses you out when it comes to money?
How often should we go on vacations?

Why Are Couples Fighting About Money?

It seems every couple fights about money. Did you know that 70 percent of all divorces cite money as the number one cause for calling it quits?[38] One of the reasons is the dailyness of it. Money impacts practically every decision we make every day: Do we want home-brewed coffee or a fancy latte at the drive-through? A smartphone or the same old dumb one? Generic groceries or name-brand? To have lunch out or to brown-bag? Money affects even how many hours we spend working each day!

Those daily choices you and your honey make where money is involved form your Money Relationship. If you didn’t realize you even had a Money Relationship, you’re in good company. The majority of couples don’t realize their daily money choices affect their relationships.

When we talk to couples about money, we find it helps to make the distinction between money and finances. Your Money Relationship refers to your day-to-day spending decisions, while your financial plan refers to those long-term, big-picture matters like debt, budgets, retirement, insurance, investments, taxes, and estate planning. Money and finance are related but very different.

Understanding this distinction helps clarify and compartmentalize these discussions into two categories, which helps to decrease that feeling of being overwhelmed and fearful about money discussions. This distinction is a precursor to stamping out money fear and adding strength and freedom to your relationship.

We applaud your quest to avoid those alarming divorce statistics with money as the culprit, and we want to help you turn your money fears into money freedom with these two steps: (1) Identify your fears, and (2) share your perspectives.

You can tackle a topic that needlessly frightens most couples with God’s Spirit of power, love, and self-discipline and make money discussions a strong tool to divorce-proof your precious marriage.

Step 1: Identify Your Fears

We all know people who love to go to scary movies. The spooky music, the creaking door, the abandoned building, the shape-filled shadows, the scary noise in the distance, and the figure in the dark who wasn’t there before. The suspense and uncertainty of what may happen next chills and thrills scary-movie fans.

But uncertainty about money and finances isn’t so thrilling! And yet there’s a way you can flip on the lights, look those fears straight in the eye, and conquer your fears and uncertainty about money as an unshakable team.

Let’s start by identifying the fears. As we said, most couples fear talking about money. In fact, research shows that more than half of couples have negative feelings about discussing finances with their fiancé(e).[39] Your particular, individual fears may be very different from your fiancé(e)’s, because everyone has a different perspective about money. God made every one of us unique and different, even when it comes to our views of money. We each have a special way of looking at money that is God-given and hardwired into us right from the start —just like the color of our eyes or how tall we are.

Do you track your savings and spending?
Would you describe yourself as conservative or aggressive in your investing?
What mistakes have you made with money?
How do you feel about debt?
Do you think joint or separate checking accounts are best in marriage?
Do you give to charitable organizations?
Do you want to rent or own a home?
Will we be a dual-income family, or will one of us stay home with our children?

Maybe you’ve never considered what your personal perspective on money is, but you can probably relate to one or more of the following opinions:

I love using coupons. Who wouldn’t want to save extra?
Coupons are a hassle. Who hauls those around just to save pennies?
I’m always looking for an opportunity to give someone a gift —big or small.
Giving gifts is overkill and unnecessary.
Life is short. Your money should provide lots of adventure.
Life is short. Keep your money secure.
Vacations are the perfect time to see something new.
Returning to our annual vacation spot ensures a great time.
Talking about money kills the romance and adventure in our relationship.
Not talking about money makes me nervous about the future.

Did a few of those opinions resonate with you? Did a couple of them sound a little like your fiancé(e)’s perspective on money?

Our individual perspective on money is so much a part of who we are that it’s easy to think others think about money the exact same way we do. When driving down a highway, have you ever noticed that you think everyone going slower than you is nuts, and everyone going faster than you is crazy? You think the right speed is the speed you’re going. Your perspective on money is the same way. You’re probably convinced that your future spouse thinks about money like you do. We’ve found that’s not usually the case, and that can be scary.

It’s easy to fear the future when you see that your future spouse doesn’t have the some perspective about money as you. That fear may stir up thoughts like these:

What will happen if, for the rest of our lives, we can only go out to eat where they offer coupons?
What will happen if he thinks I’m going to work forever and not stay home and raise our children?
Now that I’m getting married, will every conversation be about taxes and money?
How can we build up savings if he always likes to be the guy who picks up the tab for everyone?
Is she going to ask me about every purchase I make? Every time? Forever?
She knows that credit-card purchases have to be paid back at some point, right?
Is her sense of adventure and love of risk going to make us rich or break us financially?
Will I have to give up all exciting or risky ventures once we’re Mr. and Mrs.?
If we make every moment count, will we have any money left to count?

You can feel the fear in these statements. And they’re all valid concerns. But when you identify and discuss them, you fast-track your relationship from money fear to money freedom.

Your goal in step 1 is to identify the fearful aspects of your relationship related to money. Fear comes from the unknown.

Remember when you wondered if you’d ever find that perfect someone? Then when you finally met him or her, all of the uncertainty from the unknowns faded away. The more you learned about each other and your relationship, your fears began to shrink. The fact that you’re reading this book together demonstrates that you’re ready to learn, craft a game plan, and secure some tools to empower you to squash those fears and have the absolute best marriage possible!

Identifying your individual perspective on money is such a powerful solution for eliminating money fear. We created a scientific, easy, and free way for every couple to determine theirs. As financial advisors, after witnessing the alarming rate of divorce among our clients, we spent time researching how to stop this frightening trend. We identified the 5 Money Personalities to make it possible for all couples to better understand one another and communicate positively about money.

We then worked with a statistical scientist to develop an assessment we placed online for free. This Money Personality Assessment calculates both your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities. The assessment is painless and takes about ten minutes apiece. We hear over and over from couples —dating, engaged, and married —what a game changer this information was for their relationship.

So stop! Do not pass go. Take the Money Personality Assessment right now at TheMoneyCouple.com. Flip a coin to see who goes first, take the assessment, and then let your fiancé(e) take a turn. (If one of you asks to keep the coin you flipped, you may already have an insight into one of the Money Personalities in your relationship.)

After one woman took the assessment, she told us, “The clouds parted. The angels sang. I got it! I understood myself better after that ten minutes than I had my entire life.”

Good luck on the assessment! This is one of those awesome assessments where there are no incorrect answers. You’ll do great! . . .

Welcome back and congratulations! You should be proud of yourselves for taking the time to get to know yourselves and each other better than most couples who have been together for decades. Your investment in your relationship is priceless.

Now that you know your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities, let’s tackle potential fears related to your unique money perspective.

The following chart shows a sampling of the fears of each Money Personality. Take some time to look at the genuine fears associated with your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities. (If you haven’t taken the assessment yet —though we hope you have —you can still read through to see which fears you connect with.)

	Saver fears:	My spouse will spend too much money. My spouse will pay full price on purchases. My spouse won’t respect my savings. I will be viewed as cheap all the time. My spouse won’t stick to the budget. We will go into debt.
	Spender fears:	My spending will be under a microscope. I won’t have the freedom to spend. I will be viewed as materialistic. I won’t be able to give gifts when I want. I won’t have enough money to spend.
	Risk Taker fears:	I won’t get to be adventurous anymore. My spouse will slow me down. I’ll get trapped in a rut. Marriage will limit my flexibility to pursue new business opportunities.
	Security Seeker fears:	We won’t have a longterm plan. How will I take care of everything and everyone? I will be seen as a worrier. We won’t have plans for retirement.
	Flyer fears:	I’ll have to get involved in the finances. My spouse will want to talk about money all the time. My spouse will care more about money than relationships and people’s feelings. I will have to follow a plan all the time.

We all know that fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger. If we didn’t feel it, we couldn’t protect ourselves from legitimate threats.

Now that you’ve faced your fears with courage, read back through the list with your fiancé(e)’s Money Personalities in mind.

Neither of you needs to feel silly or embarrassed for feeling fearful about money or viewing money the unique way you do. Few of us can explain our fears of snakes, heights, or even public speaking, but those fears still feel very real.

Step 2: Share Your Perspectives

Now that you’ve spent some time thinking through your own money fears and learning your honey’s money fears, it’s time to bring those fears out into the light as you share them. Listening to each other’s money fears helps propel your relationship from fear toward money freedom.

Observe some standard “good communication” guidelines as you share with each other: Connect visually, remember that timing is everything, listen well, be positive, stay on topic, and speak to one another with love. Start the sharing with these two questions:

With your Primary Money Personality in mind, what is one money fear you have? (Limit: ten minutes.)
With your Secondary Money Personality in mind, what is one money fear you have? (Limit: ten minutes.)

Well done, fear facers!

Mark Burnett, vocal Christian and creator of The Voice, Survivor, and The Bible miniseries reminds us, “Facing your fears robs them of their power.” We agree and pray you rob your fears of their power and not let money fights rob your relationship of peace.

If you’re struggling to understand your future spouse’s Money Personalities, we want to suggest a simple —and maybe even fun —exercise. Take a day, or half a day, and try to live out your future spouse’s Primary Money Personality. Pick an upcoming day when you’ll be together, and prepare to be amazed. As the day progresses, one of you has the spotlight and should talk aloud about the money decisions you are making.

Here’s an example of a Spender and a Saver who recently told us about trying this exercise:

Tom, a Primary Spender, told his fiancée, “I wake up and go to the closet to get dressed for the day. I look around the closet and think, When I look at my clothes, I see a bunch of stuff I’m tired of wearing. I like to feel good about how I look, so I could really use some new shirts. Then I think about what we’re doing today and wonder if we’ll be near a store where I could grab one or two.”

Heidi admitted her heart started to race. Heidi is Tom’s sweetheart and a Saver. Her heart pounded quite vigorously at the thought that her soon-to-be-spouse was already thinking about spending money, and he hadn’t even left his bedroom.

Tom said he saw the fear in Heidi’s eyes from this new revelation, so he suggested they go grab brunch to talk about it.

Heidi’s blood pressure crept up again. She thought, He wants to go spend money to talk about spending money? Brunch always costs so much, when toast and a glass of milk at my place would be fine. But she smiled and grabbed her purse.

As Tom and Heidi moved through their day, Tom, the Spender, kept talking about what he was thinking and why he was thinking it. Heidi, the Saver, listened and did everything she could to learn about her beloved’s perspective.

The next day it was Heidi’s turn. She told Tom, “For starters, I woke up to my cold apartment . . . that you make fun of. But the cold reminds me that I’m doing a good job lowering my heating bill this year. And that feels good to me.”

Now it was Tom’s turn to keep his lips zipped and discover the inner workings of his future spouse’s Money Personality.

As they went through the morning, they made more decisions involving money: Should they grab coffee on the way to church? How much should they put in the collection plate? The youth group was having a bake sale to raise money for a missions trip. Should they buy brownies or not?

The Saver needs to talk her honey through her thought process on every one of those choices. By lunchtime Tom said he was amazed at how heavily money decisions weighed on his sweetie, the Saver.

Let us be clear, we’re not telling you to go out and spend money you don’t have or to give your spouse free rein to destroy your finances just for an exercise.

If you’d rather make hypothetical decisions, that’s fine. Try some questions like “If we went into your favorite store right now, what would you do first?” or “If you got a small bonus at work, what would you want to do with it?” The point of this exercise is to build understanding and respect for your future spouse’s Money Personalities, and you can do that without spending a cent.

So now that you’ve started a great discussion about money fears, you can leap with strength into money freedom. A next step is discussing both of your Money Personality needs.

Each Money Personality feels liberated when his or her needs are being met. Now is a great time to think about and talk through your money needs. Most couples are terrible at telling each other what they need, especially when it comes to money. A husband assumes that his wife knows he has a hunting weekend planned for the same weekend every year, or a wife assumes her husband knows she needs a new outfit for a big presentation at work. The spouse might know, but clear communication removes any doubt.

Being honest about your needs shows your future spouse that you trust him or her, you value the insight he or she has to offer, and you believe the two of you can work together to solve problems.

Use the following chart to see how you can help your mate-to-be experience money freedom in your relationship.

	Saver wants:	My spouse to acknowledge the cost and be open to a good deal. Discussion of any debt and plans to reduce or eliminate it. A commitment, however small, to start saving. Careful use and management of any credit cards.
	Spender wants:	My spouse to allow for spending liberties. To know details don’t bog down every purchase. A gift account to buy special surprises for my new mate. Flexibility within the budget.
	Risk Taker wants:	My spouse to listen and respond to new opportunities. To share excitement without all the details initially. Possibility of liquid funds to invest an agreed-upon amount—big or small—in “the next big thing,” on occasion. Freedom to be ready to consider and discuss anything.
	Security Seeker wants:	My spouse to be supportive of a future plan. My spouse to be willing to pay for higher quality. Time to analyze spending decisions. Wise use of money with guaranteed future returns.
	Flyer wants:	My spouse to recognize the value of relationships over money. Not to be put in charge of the planning or details. My contentment not to be mistaken for not caring. Easy, automatic ways to save or grow finances.

Freedom is life-giving. Did you feel a little elation when you read your Money Personalities’ freedom needs? Freedom!

Now go back through the list and find your future spouse’s Money Personalities and note the ways you may offer him or her freedom.

Take some time and discuss the freedoms your Money Personalities need to thrive. Start with these questions:

With your Primary Money Personality in mind, what gives you a sense of money freedom? (Limit: ten minutes)

With your Secondary Money Personality in mind, what gives you a sense of money freedom? (Limit: ten minutes)

Well done! That wasn’t so scary, was it? You carved out the time and made the effort to take a huge step forward that most couples skip. Now that you’ve identified your money fears and shared your Money Personalities, you can move from money fear to money freedom in your relationship. You’ll avoid fights and misunderstandings and be able to see eye to eye on day-to-day spending. This understanding, appreciation, and acceptance of your future spouse and the way he or she approaches money will strengthen your relationship and, we pray, help make it divorce-proof.

Opposite Dynamic

We’re sure you discovered during your discussion times that there is a lot to discuss regarding money and finances that you wouldn’t normally think about. You may also have found two competing viewpoints, an Opposite Dynamic, in your relationship. Quickly identify whether you have an Opposite Dynamic in your relationship. See if your Money Personalities are on the opposite side of the spectrum.

	Saver		Spender
	Security Seeker		Risk Taker
	Flyer

Don’t worry. A vast majority of couples we talk to have an Opposite Dynamic in their relationships. At first that dynamic may cause conflict and misunderstanding, but take heart, it can ultimately create a wonderful, healthy balance in your home.

Take, for example, Joe and Ann. For the most part, they have a strong relationship. However, the little differences between them are starting to add up and cause tension in their marriage, because every decision they make involves their competing Money Personalities.

Ann wants to go skiing over the holiday. Joe wants to stay home and watch it snow. Ann wants to try out a new restaurant. Joe wants to stick with the value menu at their neighborhood burger joint. Joe is thinking about turning his hobby into a small business. Ann is scared they’ll lose their hard-earned savings.

The Opposite Dynamic in their relationship means that Ann and Joe see the world through very different lenses. And the differences are starting to wear them down.

Some couples have multiple opposite traits; others have only one. The number of differences isn’t critical. What matters is your awareness of these potential areas of disagreement and misunderstanding. Knowing where and how you see things differently can help you make money decisions with care and kindness.

Once Joe and Ann uncovered the Opposite Dynamic in their marriage, choosing a restaurant stopped turning into a fight and became a chance for them to break some bad habits. Instead of going out to eat because they didn’t feel like cooking, they mutually agreed to splurge on a couple of great meals a month rather than eating at a convenient place twice a week. So Ann’s Spender Money Personality got to indulge a bit, while Joe’s Saver Money Personality could feel good about the reduction in their eating expenses. Eliminating the regular quick bites at a restaurant helped them discover that they liked making simple meals together at home.

Recognizing an Opposite Dynamic in your relationship isn’t a free pass to no more conflict, but it is a way to recognize that those conflicts don’t have to get personal or painful. You can address problems as partners, not as adversaries, because you know that your honey is coming at the problem from the legitimate perspective that just happens to be different from yours. When you know that, you can work through problems with respect and a true desire to find middle ground.

A strong Money Relationship won’t just happen overnight. (To dig deeper and master all the communication tips and tricks for avoiding money fears and fights, you might want to pick up our book The 5 Money Personalities: Speaking the Same Love and Money Language.)

Celebrate the fact that you care enough about your life together to learn now how to change your money fears into money freedom and help divorce-proof your marriage. The more you communicate and clarify now, the fewer surprises and less tension you’ll encounter in the future.

A Special Note About Debt

Many couples today start their marriages with some amount of debt. Debt can be a huge source of tension and fear. There are five main types of debt: student loans, credit cards, car loans, personal loans (including loans from friends), and home loans. Hiding debt and starting out with financial secrets is never the way to go.

Talking openly about your debt is an opportunity to communicate, understand one another, and come together as a team. If one or both of you have debt, once you’re married, that debt becomes both of yours. Take some time and discuss this challenge.

Write down the amount of debt.

Talk through these questions:
- What steps can you take going forward?

Make a month-by-month plan to pay it off.

Make sure that you both agree about how you will approach any future debt.

Communicate openly and honestly. Evaluate your level of comfort with debt so you both understand what you’re getting into and how you can move from fear to freedom in regard to debt.

SCOTT and BETHANY PALMER, the Money Couple, have dedicated their lives to helping others strengthen their relationships by knowing the 5 Money Personalities. With forty-three years of combined financial-planning experience, they launched The Money Couple. They are regulars on national TV and radio and speak internationally about love and money. Scott and Bethany enjoy an active lifestyle with their two sons, Cole and Cade.

Ready to Talk

If your spouse-to-be could travel back in time and see you in the following situations, how might it help him or her understand your current views on money?
- The time you first realized that some people had a lot less or a lot more than you did
Since time travel hasn’t been invented, what do you need to explain to your future mate about your financial past? Why?

How would you rank the following, from the least scary to the most terrifying? Why does your spouse-to-be need to know your answers?

Managing the bills
Losing a job and not being able to find another
Having to figure out a budget
Having to live on a budget
Going bankrupt
Being married to someone who spends too much
Being married to someone who won’t let you spend enough
Serving money instead of God

What are your primary and secondary Money Personalities? According to the chapter, what steps might help you work together on your finances?

Ready to Try

If you haven’t registered for wedding gifts yet, set aside time to go to a few stores where you can register for home supplies (such as kitchenware, towels, dishes, and decorative items). Before you start tagging items, talk about what you’re most excited to look for. Pots and pans? Power tools? Offer honest opinions about what you like and what you think things should cost. Avoid dismissing each other’s choices and opinions about what’s extravagant and what isn’t —you’re building a home together! This is a good time to discover your future spouse’s likes, dislikes, and feelings about possessions. When you’re done, consider whether the experience felt fun or stressful. Do you work well as a team? Are you more eager than ever to start your life as Mr. and Mrs.? If so, great! If your quest was more tense than tranquil, talk about that openly. How might things have gone more smoothly?