CHAPTER 13

STORM SHELTER: DEALING WITH STRESS AND CRISES

Dr. Greg Smalley and Erin Smalley

I (ERIN) CAN REMEMBER the day as if it were yesterday. My husband, Greg, walked into the room after being on the phone and announced, “Hey! We’ve been invited to China to do a marriage seminar! What do you think?”

My anxiety level shot through the ceiling as a million questions and concerns arose immediately.

“Who would keep the kids? We’ve never left them to go so far away!”

“It’s a foreign country, and a lot of things are different there. What if they don’t like what we teach?”

“What if our plane crashes?”

It just continued to spiral downward from there. Some fears were rational, and others were completely irrational. I knew that in my head, but it was hard to move my heart beyond them.

I had never dreaded anything more than the weeks leading up to boarding the airplane to China. I cried, I read books (Mark Batterson’s In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day), I turned my fears over to God (again and again and again), and I had others praying for me. I was petrified to go to this foreign place where I didn’t know the language, the culture, the people, or the customs.

When we arrived in Kunming, China, I quickly realized that this place was as different as I had feared. It smelled strange, the sounds were confusing, the language was mysterious, and the food was different. And the biggest one —the driving was crazy! When in the “tiny” van, I mainly closed my eyes and prayed for survival! It was also very crowded in China, and there didn’t seem to be a moment when our personal space wasn’t being invaded.

At the end of the first week, we were scheduled to travel to Beijing. By that point the entire experience had left me worn out. I just wanted to go home. And there seemed to be a theme in our trip: Of the four couples traveling with us, we —Greg and Erin —never had an airline reservation that was correct. After being turned away at the American Airlines counter for the third time, I was certain that we should just go home, back to everything we knew —our food, our language, our culture, and our children!

I felt like the children of Israel after they made it out of Egypt:

In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the LORD’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.

EXODUS 16:2–3

Just like the Israelites, I had no idea why God had brought us to China.

However, with my husband’s encouragement and the help of a few people who knew English, we ended up on our flight to Beijing. Thankfully, I spent the next week in China bliss. We went to the Great Wall, shopped at the Pearl Market, and ate the most amazing food I’d ever had.

I never imagined that I could fall in love with a people I didn’t even know. But my heart changed, and I did —I fell in love with China.

I never dreamed that we would get the opportunity to return to China, but we’ve been back six times to do marriage ministry. The absolute best surprise was when God allowed us to adopt our daughter, Annie, from China.

I’m so glad that I didn’t “grumble” and complain my way out of China that first time when things felt so foreign and confusing. Just as He did with the children of Israel, sometimes God takes us into the wilderness before we enter the Promised Land. More than anything else you’ll ever learn about marriage, it’s amazing what happens when you venture together into the unknown —through the stress, challenges, and differences that life will bring.

Stress and Change During the First Year of Marriage

As you’re preparing for marriage, you’re embarking on a lifelong journey to a “foreign” country —much as Greg and I (Erin) did when we traveled to China for the first time. We’re sure you’re experiencing different emotions at this point —excitement, joy, anticipation, and yes, even fear. There are not only a lot of unknowns in marriage, but there will be a lot of changes as soon as you say “I do!” As you adjust to your new marriage, there will be both internal and external stressors that you will encounter together.

Internal stressors are the changes that occur within your relationship. Think about the many changes that you will most certainly face as a first-time husband and wife:

The list could go on and on. There will be a lot of changes during the first year of your marriage. It will look different for each couple, but what we can promise is that there will be change. Much like we experienced going to China, sometimes the unknowns of living in this foreign land of marriage can create stress and conflict between you and your new spouse. Sometimes couples forget that even positive changes create stress.

As if the previous list of internal changes that happen within your marriage wasn’t enough, you’ll also experience external stressors that originate outside your relationship. However, these external challenges will impact your marriage just the same. Here are some of the most common external stressors that couples encounter:

We’re certain that we’ve left some challenges off this list that you may encounter during the first few years of your marriage. At some point, in the midst of one of these trials, you may even feel like the Israelites and wonder why God brought you together only to experience such misery: “All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, “If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert!” (Numbers 14:2). This is exactly how newlyweds Chris and Rachel felt right after they walked down the aisle.

Chris and Rachel met while attending college, where they became well-acquainted friends. After a year of friendship, they took the next step into a dating relationship. After about six months, Chris excitedly proposed to the love of his life, and she 100 percent agreed to be his wife. Everything was on course —he was about to graduate and had landed a youth-pastor job at their church while working on the side at Starbucks. And Rachel worked to complete her senior thesis and internship so she could graduate within the next year. Wedding plans were interwoven with late-night study sessions and many specialty coffee drinks delivered by her favorite barista. Their engagement season was as good as it gets. They had each other, a future together, and coffee. What more did they need?

They spent one last holiday with their respective families in Seattle and Colorado prior to getting married. When they returned from their holiday travels, they were thrilled to be back together. They decided to have some fun their first night back and make paper snowflakes while watching a Christmas movie. After what seemed like a picturesque reunion, Chris walked home to his apartment only a few blocks away. Blissful was what life seemed to be —for now and forever.

However, within twenty minutes, everything changed. As Rachel was getting ready for bed, she heard the doorbell ringing violently. What in the world?

Her roommate tentatively approached the front door, where she met Chris crying.

Rachel’s heart started beating wildly as she tried to imagine what could possibly be going on. Twenty minutes earlier, as Chris kissed her good-bye, this scene never would have crossed her mind. But now she was facing a distraught, tear-stained man. To her shock, he pushed out the grief-stricken words, “My dad . . . my dad is dead.”

Rachel reported,

It was the most confusing, tragic, and desperate twenty-four hours I’ve ever experienced. It was so difficult to see my beloved Chris be filled with questions, doubt, confusion, and deep, deep sadness. And the worst part, there was absolutely nothing I could do but be there. The next day we flew out to Colorado in total disbelief and shock.

I had met Chris’s parents during my earlier visits. I loved being with his parents and knew them to be very funny, loving, and generous. As for his mom, Carol, I knew I definitely liked this lady who had a deep laugh and a deep faith, and we often shared lovely phone conversations in French.

However, the dynamic changed quickly because I was thrust into this tragedy. She was no longer the happy, soon-to-be mother-in-law with her husband by her side supporting and cheering us on. Instead, as you can imagine, she was grieving deeply, and the roles suddenly shifted. We were no longer being supported by two amazing people who were anticipating our special day and helping us plan out wedding details. We were now comforting and supporting Carol as we planned her husband’s funeral. None of this seemed imaginable.

Although I wasn’t quite part of the family yet, I did my best to be helpful. I chose to sleep by Carol’s side and do the tasks that needed to be completed, like laundry, preparing food, and cleaning. I was doing everything I could to give Chris’s family space to grieve without being in the way. However, the most difficult part of all was calling their friends and family to tell them of Robert’s death. All of them should have been getting a wedding invite from me instead of a phone call with tragic news.

That November day when we buried Chris’s father was bitter cold and snowy. Six months later, in May, I graduated from college, and Chris stepped down from his pastoral job. In mid-June we were married, and by the end of July, we packed up everything and moved to Colorado to live with Carol in her basement.

We spent the first year of our marriage living with Carol, and although this was good for her, it was helpful for Chris as well. It allowed him to fully grieve his father’s death.

All I can say is that marriage definitely wasn’t what I had anticipated. We shared all of our dinners, movie nights, and game nights with Carol. We really felt called to care for her and not allow her to be alone. Every night we maintained the family tradition of bedtime prayer, which was filled with a strange mix of tears, sorrow, praise, and thanks.

After about a year of living life this way, my heart began to close. I was a new wife, and I had desired to care for Carol and Chris. However, my inner struggles were beginning to win. I desperately desired to have our own space and home. My desires weren’t wrong, but sometimes my behaviors were. Soon Chris and I transitioned into our own home and life; however, I knew everything in the future would be colored by the absence of my father-in-law.

This definitely wasn’t what Chris and I had expected during our engagement and first year of marriage. However, we all will have different crises, stresses, and trials throughout the journey of marriage. That’s why they call it a journey.

Greg and I (Erin) wouldn’t wish what Chris and Rachel went through on any newly married couple. And yet stress, challenges, and painful trials are going to be part of your relationship —sooner or later. The Scriptures make this fact clear: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you” (1 Peter 4:12). The key isn’t to hope that nothing bad will come your way until you’ve had time as a couple for your relationship to develop the necessary coping skills. The key is to learn how to manage the stress and challenges that are inevitable in marriage.

Sadly, when many newly married couples face outside trials, research suggests that they are “more likely to report problems within their relationship, more likely to experience declines in satisfaction over time, and quicker to dissolve their relationship entirely.”[40] But this doesn’t have to be your story. As Rachel so eloquently wrote, part of the adventure of marriage lies in facing external difficulties together and growing stronger through these trials. Couples who thrive in their marriages don’t have fewer problems; instead, they work together and take the view that tribulations are opportunities for growth and positive change. The apostle Paul spoke about this in Romans:

We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.

ROMANS 5:2–5

Take hope. No matter what comes your way during your first year of marriage, you have the power to ultimately write your own story. Your marriage story doesn’t have to end in massive hurt and frustration as you face stress and challenges. Instead, your story can be personally fulfilling and can be a beacon of light for those who are watching your journey.

But how do you face challenges and protect your marriage? The answer begins with understanding the unhealthy ways we deal with stress.

Unhealthy Ways of Dealing with Stress and Challenges

Two years into our marriage, one of the biggest stressors that we dealt with was busyness. I (Greg) was in full-time graduate school, pursuing my doctorate in marriage and family. We had a baby girl to care for and a household to manage. Erin was working full-time as a labor-and-delivery nurse, and I needed to make extra money so we could afford to live in Southern California. I ended up getting a part-time job leading drug-and-alcohol recovery groups for a local high school. Many of these teenagers were considered high-risk students (delinquent, using drugs or alcohol). But I loved these kids. One time I shared that Erin had been harassed at the local grocery store by some punks. I’ll never forget these hard-core boys, whom I wasn’t supposed to connect with, passionately promise that they were going to “take care” of these other boys who had threatened Erin. I spent the rest of the meeting talking them out of war with a rival gang. Now when my friends are teasing me and I tell them to be careful because “I know people,” I’m actually not kidding!

What a crazy season. Although Erin and I didn’t experience a death like Chris and Rachel, we were massively busy, and it was beginning to take its toll on us as individuals and in our relationship. As I look back on that stressful, busy season, I realize that we both started to cope with the busyness by doing some very unhealthy things. When I feel stressed out, I go into the “cave.” I withdraw and isolate. On the other hand, Erin does the exact opposite when she experiences stress. She gets overly social and feels the need to connect with her girlfriends and our couple friends. Whereas I didn’t want to be around anyone because I was exhausted and stressed out, Erin wanted to be around people what seemed like every night. As you can imagine, this caused plenty of conflict in our marriage.

What about you? How do you handle stress? We’re sure you have both healthy and unhealthy coping skills. The key, however, is to become aware of the unhealthy things you do to manage stress. Here are some of the more popular ways that people attempt to handle stress that don’t work:

What do you do when you’re stressed out? The problem is, when you deal with stressful events in unhealthy ways, you exacerbate the negative effects of stress and create new problems in your health and relationships. Let’s take a look at what happens.

The Impact of Stress and External Challenges

First, stress takes a toll on us as individuals. According to WebMD, when you are stressed, your body thinks you’re in danger. “It makes hormones that speed up your heart, make you breathe faster, and give you a burst of energy. This is called the fight-or-flight stress response. Some stress is normal and even useful. . . . But if stress happens too often or lasts too long, it can have [negative] effects. It can be linked to headaches, an upset stomach, back pain, [as well as short temper, anger, depression, anxiety], and trouble sleeping. It can weaken your immune system, making it harder to fight off disease.”[41]

Stress creates exhausted people who are empty inside —drained physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. When we’re worn out, we have nothing to give, and our marriages suffer —we end up serving relational leftovers. Best-selling authors Les and Leslie Parrott explain the devastating impact of exhaustion on our marriages:

Busy people rarely give their best to the ones they love. They serve leftovers. We’re not talking about the kind that come from your fridge. We’re talking about emotional and relational leftovers —the ones that remain after the prime energy and attention have already been given to others. This is sometimes known as sunset fatigue. It’s when we are too drained, too tired or too preoccupied to be fully present with the ones we love the most. They get what’s left over.[42]

A marriage can’t survive on leftovers forever. A thriving marriage requires time, attention, and energy. Our marriages need our highest priority because of what stress does to them. Listen to how author Judy Ford described the impact of stress on a marriage: “Stressed-out couples quarrel and fight more often, withdraw from each other, [and] feel disconnected, sad, frustrated, [and] angry.” When stress is allowed to continue unchecked, it can lead to even bigger problems. According to Ford, “Long-term stress can turn to depression and isolation resulting in a frozen and distant relationship.”[43]

When stress happens, couples suffer relationally:

Several problems occur when stressful events hit a new marriage. First, stressful events demand time that newlywed couples can’t afford. As Chris and Rachel discovered, a grieving mother-in-law requires time and energy. This impacts a couple because maintaining their relationship takes time and energy as well. Stressful events change what the couple needs to talk about and the time available to talk about it. Thus, the more time they spend dealing with stressful events, the less time they have to spend on the marriage. Marriage researchers Lisa Neff and Benjamin Karney perfectly explain this dilemma:

Despite our best efforts, there are only 24 hours in a day. Time that couples spend deciding how they are going to cut back to get their bills paid, or negotiating who is going to take off work to care for a sick relative, is time that is not spent on other activities, like having sex or participating in shared interests, that are more likely to promote closeness. As a consequence, couples are likely to perceive more unresolved problems within the relationship during periods when they are facing especially high demands outside of the relationship.[44]

Furthermore, stressful events reduce the ability of couples to successfully manage their issues. Stress is like a circuit-breaker box that gets overloaded. When a circuit box has more electrical connections than it’s supposed to have, it becomes overloaded, the circuit trips, and the power goes off. We’ve all almost killed ourselves stumbling around the garage or basement in the dark trying to find the circuit-breaker box. The same thing happens in our marriages. When stress overloads a couple, they “trip” or shut down and thus have a difficult time dealing with the crisis. Lisa Neff and Benjamin Karney explain this problem:

Stress diminishes the capacity of couples to resolve their issues effectively. In our labs, we have documented this effect by showing that the same couples who are perfectly capable of effective relationship maintenance when times are good (e.g., they tend to forgive each other, they avoid making big issues out of small ones) become significantly less able to engage in these adaptive processes after periods of stress. And the same couples do better at relationship maintenance again after their stresses alleviate.[45]

Another problem with stressful events is that they cause couples to “react” (fight or flight) more intensely to relationship challenges.

The greater the stress in our lives, the more reactive we are to the normal ups and downs of our relationships. When under increased stress, for instance, one spouse may feel perceived slights from her significant other more acutely. Or the husband may hear something more in the tone of his wife’s voice when she asks him to take out the trash. Relationships exposed to high stress for a long period of time are bound to falter, no matter how well each individual’s relationship skills are developed. During such times, couples are more likely to see their relationship as negative, not realizing the impact stress is having on the validity of their evaluation. Stress colors their perception of the relationship itself. Remove the stress, and a couple’s positive relationship skills can once again —and usually do —take over.[46]

However, the most devastating effect of stressful events is that they make people feel unsafe. As we mentioned earlier, it’s like that roly-poly bug that rolls up into a tight little ball when it feels threatened. Stressful events make people feel threatened or unsafe. And when people feel unsafe, they shut down and their hearts close. Unfortunately, over time a closed heart will begin to harden. And a hard heart is a major red flag in a marriage.

The only time Jesus ever talked about divorce, He mentioned a hardened heart: “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning” (Matthew 19:8). Notice the last phrase: “But it was not this way from the beginning.” As you are getting married, our guess is that your hearts are open to each other. This is how we usually start marriage: with open hearts. However, over time, as conflict and stressful events happen, our hearts take a beating and can eventually close.

What we’re really trying to guard against is allowing our hearts to harden. This is the kiss of death for a marriage. As noted in chapter 4, author Max Lucado agrees:

A hard heart ruins, not only your life, [but your marriage as well]. . . . Jesus identified the hard heart as the wrecking ball of a marriage. . . . When one or both people in a marriage [harden their hearts], they sign its death certificate.[47]

So how can you tell if a heart has closed? Here are some signs:

How would your fiancé(e) know when your heart is shut down? Remember, one of the greatest negative effects of stress is also the least talked about. Over time, poorly managed stress tends to shut down our hearts. Refuse to allow your heart to close. King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, gives us this encouragement: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). One of the best ways to guard against a marriage that feels unsafe and hearts that are closed is to learn how to manage stressful events in healthy ways.

Guarding Our Hearts: Healthy Ways of Dealing with Stress and Challenges

The best way to manage stressful events is to understand your responsibility as an individual and then as a couple. Let’s first look at what you can do to cope with stress and challenges as an individual.

1. Recognize it. According to author Judy Ford, “Couples often become so accustomed to unchecked stress that they barely recognize [it] and often overlook the destructive ramifications.”[48] It’s as if we miss the warning signs and have become immune to the signs of stress because it has become such a normal part of our everyday lives. So how do you know when you —or your fiancé(e) —are stressed? Here are some of the signs:

2. Analyze it. Discover what’s causing stress in your life —both the large, obvious stressors as well as the small daily hassles and demands. Here are some of the obvious causes:

Following are some examples of small daily hassles and demands:

Most of University of Texas psychologist Lisa Neff’s work on stress and marriage shows that the best way to keep stress from weakening relationships is to cut out as many stressors as possible. As you both think about the obvious and subtle stressors, what might you cut out or deal with before you walk down the aisle?

3. Do great self-care. Once you can identify your stress and understand where it’s coming from, the key is to take great care of yourself, as Jesus stressed in the greatest commandment: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Luke 10:27). We want you to focus on the very last two words —“as yourself.” Stressful events will always be part of our lives. Thus, we need to keep our focus on learning to manage stress. Here are some ideas that will help you to take great care of your heart in the midst of stressful events:

The bottom line is that taking good care of yourself is always in the best interests of you and your fiancé(e) because you can’t give what you don’t have.

Now let’s look at what you can do as a couple to manage the stresses and challenges you encounter.

1. View your marriage as a journey. We love to use the analogy of the explorers Lewis and Clark to describe marriage. They went on a great expedition down the Missouri River with a group called the Corps of Discovery. Why we think this is a perfect description of marriage is that you are about to embark on a great adventure as well. Since Lewis and Clark traveled by canoe, they never knew what was around the next bend of the river. Sometimes the river was easy —calm and peaceful. Other times, the river was difficult —filled with unexpected raging rapids, plunging waterfalls, and hostile situations. Although they didn’t know what was awaiting them around the bend, they were in the canoe together. This is what marriage is like. You are about to start your own “Corps of Discovery” adventure together. The point is that you’re in the amazing adventure called marriage together. Whatever happens, you can face it as a team.

We recently read a story that perfectly illustrates this journey perspective of marriage:

Shortly after [the] wedding, [a] wife was diagnosed with a virulent form of cancer requiring a debilitating round of treatments. It was an awful and difficult time for both of them, but she survived. The cancer went into remission . . . and the two of them proceeded to have a long and happy marriage. “So you see,” [the husband explained], “the key to having a strong marriage is experiencing stress. The way we figure it, after beating cancer, we knew just how much we could depend on each other. After that, the rest was easy.”[51]

We love the husband’s perspective! As the rough waters approach and changes happen —and they will —always maintain a mind-set that you are unified teammates. Remember, the first year of marriage gives you plenty of opportunity to apply this, thus laying the groundwork to use this mind-set throughout the many years of your marriage journey together.

The word unity means “the state of being united or joined as a whole.” This couldn’t be a better definition as it applies to marriage, because as you and I know, when we’re married, we become a “whole” or a unit —“The two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one” (Mark 10:8). Therefore, when we approach changes, conflict, and stressors as individuals, more difficulties arise because we’re fighting what is true —we are one or a whole.

When you are unified, you can tackle any storm that comes your way! Therefore, we encourage you to apply this wisdom in your relationship —especially during the first year.

2. Treasure-hunt when trials come. Much like Chris and Rachel, you cannot predict what will come your way during your marriage. The Scriptures are clear that you will have trials in life, but God will use those very struggles to strengthen your marriage. This is exactly what 1 Peter 5:10 promises: “After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (ESV).

Your first year of marriage may not look the way you planned —because of either internal or external stressors. However, much like I (Erin) learned in China, persevering through fear, anxiety, conflict, and misunderstandings can lead to unexpected blessings and gifts.

Lisa Neff’s work on stress and marriage showed that “couples who had good coping skills and were exposed to mild to moderate stress as newlyweds were more resilient in the face of later stressors, including parenthood, than those who had good coping skills but saw relatively little stress during the early phases of matrimony.”[52] There will always be difficulties in marriage that you won’t be able to control. But that’s okay. Facing challenges together can bring you and your fiancé(e) closer as long as you possess the necessary tools to address the trials successfully. In the end, it’s powerful to be able to look back and say, “That was brutal, but we made it through!” This is why we really like Lisa Neff and Elizabeth Broady’s encouragement:

Beginning a marriage with little-to-no stress robs the couple of the opportunity to put their relationship resources to the test, and this can leave couples at risk for marital declines when future stressors, such as the transition to parenthood, are encountered. . . . [For] spouses who . . . possess adequate initial resources for coping with . . . stress [that is, couples who begin with good communication abilities, supportive social networks, a willingness to see things from the other’s perspective, etc.], increases in stress from low to moderate . . . provide . . . a training ground in which to hone their coping responses.[53]

Greg and I experienced many changes that happened quickly in the first months of our marriage. Greg had been attending Denver Seminary, so I joined him there, and we moved into our first apartment on campus. I worked at a new job in a high-stress environment, and Greg attended school full-time. I had a new address, a new name, a new city, a new climate, new friends, a new church denomination, was away from my family for the first time, and was officially sharing a bathroom with someone for the first time! It was a recipe for stress and possible conflict especially because we hadn’t participated in premarital counseling. So we were given the opportunity to seek postmarital counseling. It was very helpful to us amid all the changes. And we can say confidently that twenty-three years later, those “rough waters” were instrumental in building the marriage relationship we have today. God promises to use our trials for good in our lives, and if we allow them to, they will strengthen our marriages as well. We really like Dr. Larry Barlow’s encouragement to couples who are facing stressful events:

When you work together through . . . all [the “rough spots” in your marriage] in a constructive way —you’re communicating, you’re appreciating each other, you’re putting each other’s needs above your own —you come out stronger and closer. You’ll then have confidence to face the next issue down the road.[54]

We can’t predict what is around the bend for each of you. As we started this chapter saying, you are guaranteed to experience enormous change after saying “I do.” This is a normal part of adventuring into the unknown —much like traveling to a foreign country. And as we mentioned earlier, many of the stressors will be internal or within your relationship, and other stressors will be external or outside the relationship, as Chris and Rachel’s story illustrated. But teammates work together for the good of the whole as they journey together.

By developing a healthy pattern of coping in your first year of marriage, you’ll be much more likely to continue dealing with issues as a team over the years. It seems so simple, and yet it will have a profound impact on your relationship. So no matter what trials come your way, always remember that you’re now on the same team!

Ready to Talk

  1. Consider Erin’s comparison of embarking on the lifelong marriage journey to traveling to a foreign country. Have the two of you traveled together before now? If so, how did you prepare for the journey? If not, are you excited to travel together, or does it make you a little nervous? How might your upcoming marriage be like going to a foreign country?
  2. Share a story with each other about a stressful time in your life. How did you respond to the stress? What happened?
  3. In this chapter, Greg and Erin give several ideas to care for yourself in the midst of stressful events. What can you start doing to care for yourself during the stress of planning your wedding?
    • Get your heart open.
    • Express your feelings.
    • Slow down the pace of life.
    • Get plenty of sleep.
    • Rest and relax.
    • Get regular exercise.
    • Keep your sense of humor.
    • Learn how to set boundaries.

Ready to Try

Have you planned your honeymoon yet? If so, talk about the details of the trip. (If you haven’t, or if the honeymoon is a surprise, just talk about a future trip that the two of you would like to take together.) Write out your goals for the trip. Do you hope to do a lot of sightseeing? Or is relaxation high on your to-do list? Are you an “adventure” traveler (someone who likes to be on the go and see and experience as much as possible)? Or are you a laid-back traveler (someone who doesn’t like a lot of structure, who takes a go-with-the-flow approach to experiencing new things)? What would your dream vacation look like? Talk about what you’d need to pack for the journey and how much preparation would be involved. Do you think you both take similar approaches to travel? If not, come up with at least three ideas for how you can merge your travel personalities in order to enjoy new adventures together.