CHAPTER 4

HONORING YOU ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE

Gary Smalley

AS YOU PREPARE TO BE JOINED together as husband and wife, you’ve probably given some thought to what you’ll say to each other as you exchange vows. If not, don’t admit this to anyone —especially to your future mother-in-law!

Over the years I’ve heard couples declare their love for each other in ways that brought tears to my eyes. I’ve listened to words that caused me to laugh out loud, and sadly, I’ve heard couples say things that made me shake my head in disbelief. But the wedding vow I’ll never forget sounded like this: “I, Josh, take you, Brianna, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health; from this day forward until death do us part.”

Sounds perfectly wonderful, doesn’t it? You can just imagine this beautiful bride standing there, gushing with sheer joy as her prince charming promised everlasting love. The only problem is that Josh wasn’t standing next to Brianna —that was the name of his ex-girlfriend. True story. That’s one wedding ceremony worth forgetting!

However, unlike Josh’s vow, there’s a very interesting phrase many couples use during the wedding ceremony that’s worth a closer look. It goes something like this: “I will love and honor you all the days of my life.”

Maybe you’ve chosen to use this very line to recite during your wedding vows. If so, you’re about to unleash what I believe is the single most important concept for building a strong marital relationship.

What’s the word? Let’s go back to that common phrase “I will love and honor you all the days of my life.” The word that has such a powerful impact on a marriage relationship isn’t what most people guess —love. Although love is important, it’s the other word I want to focus on. I want to show you the amazing power of the word honor.

Webster’s dictionary defines honor as “having high respect; to confer distinction on; show high value.” I define it as “a decision we make to see another person as a priceless treasure, recognizing their incredible worth and value.”

When we choose to honor someone, it has a powerful effect on the relationship. Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman has said that “without honor, all the marriage skills one can learn won’t work.”[9] Dr. Scott Stanley notes that “honor is the fuel that keeps the life long marriage loving and functioning. If only a spark of respect or adoration remains, the spark can be turned into the flame in a few days.”[10]

For me, the reason why honor is so important is because it’s exactly what brought my wife and me together many years ago.

I can remember when Norma and I first met. I was sitting with a group of my friends at Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) in Whittier, California, on a seemingly normal Friday night. All of a sudden, a girl walked in who, let’s just say, caught my eye immediately. She was stunningly beautiful in a pink-colored sweater. All of the chairs in the room were full (I really hadn’t moved chairs out of the room to manipulate this), so she had to sit on the floor right in front of me! This somewhat normal Friday night rapidly became quite exciting!

I gazed at her throughout the meeting, not sure if I could muster up enough confidence to talk to her. But that didn’t stop me. After the meeting was over, I immediately tapped her on the shoulder and introduced myself. As we began talking, I felt myself drawn toward her witty personality. And her smile lit up the room!

I soon discovered that we both had a heart to be in full-time ministry. She shared that she was going on a missions trip to Mexico with her youth group, so I asked her for more information about the trip (which meant that she had to give me her phone number!). Within two weeks of that Cru meeting, I asked Norma out on our first date, and that led me to join her on the missions trip to Mexico.

We ended up dating for a year and enjoyed nonstop laughter whenever we were together. We often attended Cru events together. One night I took her to the Hollywood Bowl, and then as I took her home, I shared with her that I felt we should date other people. (What was I thinking?) For the next three years, we dated occasionally but not exclusively —and certainly never talked about marriage.

However, things changed rapidly when I heard from my youth director that Norma was dating another guy. I realized how much I cared for her, and I didn’t want to lose her. I loved her and wanted her to be my wife.

As I tried to think of what would be the perfect place to pop the question, I realized that a youth retreat in Palm Springs was approaching. We would both be there, and it seemed like just the right venue, since our relationship had been built around our involvement in Cru. At that retreat later in the month, my friends helped me come up with the perfect romantic scenario to ask Norma to be my wife. Norma was somewhat surprised, seeing as how we had never really talked about marriage. But it turned out that she loved me as well, and she said yes. Four months later, we were walking down the aisle.

You might be wondering what my decision to propose had to do with honor? Everything. When I heard that Norma was dating that other guy, it made me think long and hard about our relationship. But more important, it caused me to think deeply about her as a person. It brought to life 1 Samuel 16:7: “The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” And the more I thought about her heart, the more I realized how amazing she was. Her beauty, her fun personality, her laughter, her heart for ministry, her devotion, her thoughtfulness, her integrity, her relationship with Christ, her selflessness, and her attention to details —all of these qualities pointed to one thing: her incredible value.

At that moment I understood how precious Norma was to me and how much I treasured and cherished her. It was honor that made me realize I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her as my wife. Fifty years later, I’d do it all again!

Do you see why honor must be a key part of the foundation you build to have a healthy marriage? I’m not exaggerating the fact that I can’t think of another principle that can influence the overall temperature of your marriage relationship more than learning to honor your fiancé(e).

Creating a Marriage That Feels Like the Safest Place on Earth

Let me build a case for honor by talking about divorce for a moment. I know that the D word is the furthest thing from your minds right now, and that’s a good thing. I’m not going to lament about the state of marriage in our country or throw any bleak statistics at you, so hang in there with me.

Let’s focus on the only time Jesus talked about divorce. Look closely at what He said in Matthew 19:8: “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” Basically, Jesus was saying that divorce happens when a heart becomes hardened. I like this explanation from best-selling author Max Lucado:

A hard heart ruins, not only your life, but [your marriage as well]. . . . Jesus identified the hard heart as the wrecking ball of a marriage. . . . When one or both people in a marriage [harden their hearts], they sign its death certificate.[11]

Why is a hardened heart so destructive to a marriage? It inhibits your ability to hear and understand God. It impedes your ability to recognize His voice and understand what He is saying. You’re operating solely by your own understanding and perspective. And that’s incredibly dangerous.

Author Doug Apple explains why:

When your heart is hard, it is not open to God. You do not want to listen to God. You don’t want to hear His word. You don’t want to know about His plan or His design. And you certainly don’t want to listen to any correction. A hard heart toward God separates us from God. It separates us from His wisdom, which allows us to become ignorant. It separates us from His light, which puts us in darkness.[12]

Sadly, people with hardened hearts often ignore what God is saying about their relationship problems, and they usually disregard His will for their marriages as well. How does God respond? He gives them what they demand: “He has blinded their eyes and [hardened] their hearts, so they can neither see with their eyes, nor understand with their hearts” (John 12:40).

The bottom line is that you never want to harden your heart. I think this is exactly what Jesus meant in the last part of Matthew 19:8 when He said, “But it was not this way from the beginning.” In other words, in the beginning of a relationship, a heart wasn’t hard; it was open.

Don’t miss the significance of the seemingly minor point Christ was making. This is one of the most important truths you could ever grasp about relationships: If you want to have a great marriage, both of your hearts must stay open to each other. To say that differently, to get whatever you want in your marriage —passion, fun, connection, communication, intimacy, sex, whatever —two hearts have to be open. These critical components of a healthy marriage won’t happen when hearts are closed. And over time, a closed heart becomes hard.

Although you might not have ever heard it put this way, you may have heard people say things like “I’ve fallen out of love” or “I love him, but I’m not in love with him.” Don’t ever fall for those lines. They’re simply not true. We don’t “fall out of love”; instead, our hearts close and harden, and we don’t feel love. But the issue is never love. God is love. First John 4:7–8 says it this way: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

You and I don’t create love; “we love because [God] loved us first” (1 John 4:19). God’s love is always available. His love is like air; it’s all around us. As the psalmist wrote, “The earth is filled with your love, O LORD” (Psalm 119:64). So when someone talks about not feeling love toward another person, what that person is really saying is that his or her heart is closed, or worse, hardened. As you marry, you’ll face a daily battle to keep your heart open. I think this is why King Solomon warned, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding your heart means to guard it from closing and hardening.

Every day your heart is at war. You will face internal problems with your spouse, such as conflict, hurt feelings, frustration, and disappointment. But you’ll also face external challenges, including health problems, the loss of a loved one, financial problems, a job loss, and busyness. You must learn how to keep your heart open in the midst of these internal and external challenges.

The key to an open heart in your marriage is what I call “emotional safety.” In other words, one of your primary goals must be to create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth. Why is this so important? It’s all about creating an environment that allows two hearts to remain open. When you feel safe with your future spouse, your heart opens and connection happens. However, on the other hand, when you feel emotionally unsafe with your future spouse, your heart closes, and you’ll disconnect and emotionally pull away.

Let me take a moment to summarize what I hope you’re hearing me say: To have the type of marriage you’ve always dreamed of —a relationship teeming with passion, laughter, communication, fun, intimacy, and deep connection —two hearts must be open to each other. And the only way a heart will open is when it feels safe.

So to come full circle, honor is the foundation for creating a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth. Let me show you how this works.

Honor: The Foundation for Creating a Safe Marriage

I believe the master plan for building a foundation of honor and safety in your marriage begins with a very straightforward directive from the apostle Paul: “Let each one of you love his wife as himself” (Ephesians 5:33, ESV). Here, we are told to love our spouses as we love ourselves. Does this instruction sound familiar? Jesus said the same thing when He was asked about the greatest commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). So if loving ourselves is the answer to how we are to love our spouses, what does that look like practically speaking? What does it mean to love yourself? The good news is that we don’t have to search very hard to find the answer.

Let’s go back to the Ephesians 5 passage on marriage. In verses 28–29, it says,

Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. (NASB)

And we have a winner! There it is in plain English. Paul is telling us that since we nourish and cherish our own bodies, we should do that for our spouses. When we choose to regularly cherish and nourish each other, we build a solid foundation of honor and safety in our marriages.

Let’s first look at the word cherish. This is a mind-set, a mentality, an attitude. To cherish your spouse-to-be means that you recognize his or her incredible value. Your fiancé(e) will feel safe to the extent that you keep in mind how valuable he or she is.

The secret to cherishing your future spouse is best illustrated by something that happened to me when I was speaking at a large marriage conference. A friend of mine in that town lent me an item he had recently purchased so that I could use it to make a point. What he had loaned me was actually an old, beat-up violin. Several of the strings were missing, and the one that was still there was actually hanging off, attached only to one end of the violin. There was little of the polish or brilliance one might see emanating from an instrument owned by a professional musician or played at a symphony.

I passed the violin around the audience so they could see it. It moved along pretty quickly from row to row. But when I pointed out that if they looked inside, they could see in faded but very genuine writing, the word Stradivarius, the room instantly came alive with oohs and aahs. All of a sudden, this out-of-shape violin took on a whole new level of significance. It was valuable! After all, a Stradivarius violin, made in the seventeenth or eighteenth century, is worth in the range of hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars. The violin passed through the audience slowly and carefully after that. Its value had been recognized. It was cherished. This is what honor conveys. It recognizes value and, in turn, cherishes and nourishes.

You have the opportunity each and every day you spend with your future spouse to choose to see how incredibly valuable he or she is. When someone truly knows that you deeply understand his or her value, that person will feel safe with you. Your hearts will open toward each other, and the connection desired in marriage will be established. But think about when you know someone doesn’t honor you. Does your heart feel safe? No . . . you desire to get as far away from this person as you can.

Do you see the types of challenges this could cause in marriage because of the simple logistics of living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, sharing a bathroom, and so on? The great news is this: Even if you forget how valuable your future spouse is, the Lord never does. You can turn to God’s Word to see that he or she was made with His value:

You were made in My image.

PARAPHRASE OF GENESIS 1:27

[You are] fearfully and wonderfully made.

PSALM 139:14

You [are] my treasured possession.

EXODUS 19:5

You are my glorious inheritance.

PARAPHRASE OF EPHESIANS 1:18

You are precious and honored in my sight.

ISAIAH 43:4

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

MATTHEW 6:26

A man’s greatest treasure is his wife.

PARAPHRASE OF PROVERBS 18:22

Marriage should be honored by all.

HEBREWS 13:4

These verses are the epitome of honor. God desires for you to grasp your fiancé(e)’s value as well. However, let me be very honest with you. There are times when this can be a challenge for anyone in any relationship. Marriage seems to provide many opportunities to love and honor, but it also offers many occasions for dishonor. It’s all in how we choose to see it.

I began doing something a few years into our marriage that I would recommend you do prior to walking down the aisle. Begin reflecting on the things that first drew you to your spouse-to-be —even differences. As I described earlier, I remembered Norma’s witty personality and her smile that lit up a room, and soon I discovered that she had a great sense of humor. Think of all the things you admired about your fiancé(e) when you first started dating and other things you’ve discovered throughout your journey together. Think of physical characteristics, personality qualities, thinking patterns, faith, convictions, opinions, work ethic, sensitivity, gender differences, integrity, detail orientation, hospitality, an ability to lead, and so forth. Whatever you admire about your fiancé(e), write it down and keep this list handy. Let me explain why.

About five years ago, Norma and I were hosting my son Greg and his family for Thanksgiving at our home in Branson, Missouri. Norma and I both woke up in irritable moods that morning. Nothing specific was bothering us; we were just irritated and grumpy. Thanksgiving isn’t necessarily the best day to be grumpy, since you’re supposed to be thankful, right?

Honestly, the last thing we felt that day was overwhelming gratitude. We had a lot to do —prepare for the meal, set the table, and, of course, watch a little football intertwined with throwing the football in the backyard with Greg and my grandson, Garrison. We had to recreate in real action what we were seeing on television. So from my perspective, I was helping Norma in the kitchen between each exit to the backyard and each entrance into the living room to watch a few more minutes of the game.

After a few of these rotations, I could sense Norma’s level of frustration increasing, and for whatever reason, I was already irritated with her. Soon things erupted, and my irritation took the plunge into “mad.” I went into my office and slammed the door. I quickly entered into what I call my “tornado of thoughts” and could only find myself remembering things about Norma that irritated me. However, over the years, I had learned that there was something I could do to stop this tornado and start remembering how priceless Norma really is.

The Cherish List

As I sat in my office and stewed and perseverated, I decided to open up the Word document on my computer that always helps me remember what I love about Norma. After a few clicks, I opened the file, and there it was, clear as day —the list titled “Why Norma Is So Valuable.” As I began reading the list, I wanted to delete about the first ten items that described how wonderful she is. But after a few more negative thoughts, I read further down the list and began to remember that I married a pretty amazing woman. Ephesians 5:29 closely resembles this process. We remember to cherish and value each other.

Here’s a portion of my “Why Norma Is So Valuable” list:

  1. She has a great sense of humor.
  2. When she smiles, it lights up the room.
  3. She can always think of the details I miss.
  4. She loves me even when I do “dingbat” things.
  5. She works enormously hard.
  6. She has raised three wonderful kids with me.
  7. She is passionate about simple things —like her birds.
  8. She has supported me in ministry over the years.
  9. She loves to see movies with me.
  10. She is able to think things through at a level I need.

My list about what makes Norma so valuable could go on and on, and it does. But what about your list? What makes your spouse-to-be so incredibly valuable? I encourage you to start your list right now. The longer the list the better!

Take out a sheet of paper and list all of the reasons why your fiancé(e) is so valuable. For example, you might write down a character trait, a gender difference, a faith pattern, values, morals, spirituality, a role you appreciate (e.g., worker, friend, sibling, son or daughter), a personality characteristic, or how your fiancé(e) treats you.

Here are some words to prime the pump and get you thinking about your future spouse’s value:

Be sure to keep this list nearby so you can periodically add to it. The longer your list becomes, the more reasons you’ll have to remember just how much you cherish and honor your future spouse. Also, add to the list as you travel through the different seasons of your marriage journey —storms will come! There will be many different seasons, and you’ll both continue changing, maturing, and growing (emotionally, spiritually, and yes, even physically). As things change, it’s important to remember what drew you close to your fiancé(e).

And whatever you do, don’t keep this amazing list to yourself. Share it with your fiancé(e). Let him (or her) know that you recognize his value, because some days, he may forget how priceless he is. Talk about creating safety. When this happens, not only will your fiancé(e) benefit, but you’ll be positively impacted as well. Luke 12:34 explains why this is so powerful: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” In other words, your heart will be open to what you value. One way to keep your heart open and your future spouse feeling safe with you is to focus on his or her value. This will not only encourage an attitude of honor, but it will cause you to treat your future spouse in honoring ways.

Nourish: Treating Each Other Like Treasures

“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior.”[13] I love this Susan Forward quote. Understanding your mate’s incredible value is the beginning of safety, but to create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth, you must be able to express honor through action and behavior. This is exactly what 1 John 3:18 says: “Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions.”

Now I can honestly say that while Norma and I were dating and engaged, it wasn’t hard to remember to value her or even treat her like a treasure. But let me just say that after we were married and moved across the country to Minnesota, where I started working as a full-time youth pastor and attended graduate school, sometimes it was easy to forget that I married a gem. When I think back to the first time I met Norma, I knew she was a priceless treasure after one conversation. So how is it that less than two months into our marriage, it seemed I could forget that pretty easily?

This is actually fairly common when it comes to marriage. Not that you’ll necessarily forget what a treasure you married, but as you settle into the stress and busyness of everyday life and start to discover things they do differently from you or things they do that irritate you, your attitude and behavior may begin to show that you don’t think all of these once “cute” behaviors are so cute anymore. At times you may even forget how very valuable your spouse is, and your behavior may reflect it. So, what can you do to help you remember to treat each other like priceless treasures? I’ve found a statement (five little words, actually) that you can ask your fiancé(e) to complete that puts honor straight into action.

I Feel Loved When You . . .

First Peter 3:7 encourages spouses to live together “in an understanding way, showing honor” (ESV). One of the best and most practical ways to begin to nourish your future spouse and show honor is to understand what he or she needs from you to feel loved.

To nourish your fiancé(e)’s relational desires, you must realize that everyone’s needs are different, based on personalities, interests, gender, backgrounds, and expectations. So before you can begin nourishing your future spouse, you have to know what he or she needs from you. You can’t make an educated guess or treat your fiancé(e) the way you would like to be treated. The Golden Rule doesn’t apply here! The problem is that your guess might be wide of the mark, or your “love language” might be extremely different from what your fiancé(e) needs or wants.

To give you an easy method for discovering your future spouse’s love language, let me tell you about a time when my son Greg almost drove his truck and his wife into the mighty Mississippi River.

One day Greg and his wife, Erin, were driving from southwest Missouri to Nashville, Tennessee. Leading up to the trip, Erin had asked Greg to consult the American Automobile Association (AAA) about the best way to get to Nashville. As a guy, he resented her request and felt he could guide them better than AAA. Greg spent several hours diligently studying maps and found a great route, including a special shortcut that would save them hours.

As Greg stood back to bask in the glory of his accomplishment, Erin wasn’t impressed. There was no praise or applause. To make matters worse, Erin begged Greg to call AAA so they could “verify” his route. The nerve! But Greg was not going to cave in and ask for directions —especially from AAA. At this point, much more was riding on their trip than simply getting there. Guys all around the world were counting on Greg to show his wife that as a man, he could find the way without any help.

Several hours into the trip, Greg was feeling great because his route was perfect. They were thirty-minutes ahead of AAA’s schedule. Greg was king of the road. But just like that, disaster struck.

It was just starting to get dark, and the sunset was incredible. Erin and Greg were laughing and singing, and she had even stopped asking him if he knew where they were. Then all of a sudden, Erin said, “Did you see that sign? I swear it read ‘dead end.’”

“Nice try,” Greg joked. “You just can’t admit that I was right and you were wrong.”

“I’m serious,” she begged. “I think this road is a dead end.”

“This road does not end,” Greg shot back. “Don’t worry. Trust me!”

Have you ever uttered something you so wish you could take back? For Greg, “Don’t worry. Trust me!” remains one of those statements I’m sure he’d give anything to have back.

Greg and Erin continued to drive for about one hour. Neither of them spoke a word as they waited for the truth to be revealed. The surrounding area gradually began to be less populated, until it transformed into cornfields as far as the eye could see. And then it happened.

Dead end!

Greg barely stopped the truck in time to avoid crashing into the rather large Dead End sign.

“That’s impossible,” he shouted in disbelief. “This wasn’t on the map!”

The worst part was that Erin didn’t have to say anything. She just sat there with that look of disdain, shaking her head from side to side. Next Greg did what any man would do in his situation. He got out of the truck to survey the area.

As Greg gazed down at the mighty Mississippi River, he could actually see the road form again on the other side.

“It’s not my fault that the map didn’t show that a bridge wasn’t here!” Greg shouted back at the truck.

But as he reached to study the map, Erin quickly jerked it out of his hands. Greg didn’t even try to get it back. He was defeated.

Driving back the way they had come, Erin and Greg didn’t speak for quite some time. When Erin finally started to say something, Greg was certain she was going to give him a piece of her mind. And he deserved it, no doubt. But Erin didn’t get frustrated or say “I told you so.” What she did was actually the same thing you can do to begin to nourish your fiancé(e).

Erin spoke in a tender voice and said, “I read something very interesting the other day about marriage.”

Greg just nodded and prayed that it wasn’t something about a guy’s unwillingness to ask for directions.

“Some expert said that a great way to better understand each other’s love language is to have each person answer the statement ‘I feel loved when you . . .’ I say we give it a try.”

Greg gulped and nodded, grateful to have escaped what could have been well-deserved wrath. “Why don’t you go first.”

“Well . . .” Erin smiled. “I feel loved when you ask AAA about our trip route.”

Touché.

As you can see, I’ve got a very spirited daughter-in-law, and I love that about her.

The Nourish List

What about you? How would you answer the statement “I feel loved when you . . .”? Following are some ideas for both husbands- and wives-to-be to help prime the pump.

Husbands: “I feel loved when you . . .”

Wives: “I feel loved when you . . .”

Throughout your marriage, be sure to update your nourish list periodically, and keep current with what each of you needs to feel loved. During each season of life (health problems, busyness, moving, job loss, raising kids, empty nest, etc.), you’ll each need something different, and these needs can change in an instant. Stay current with each other!

As we all know, life can throw curveballs at us. As you and your fiancé(e) advance into married life, I want to encourage you to remember that you have a very important role to play in each other’s lives. As each of you experiences different challenges and disappointments in your day-to-day life, remember that when your spouse walks through the front door each night, you are faced with a choice. You both have a lot of influence over the environment that you walk into. When the world has been hard all day, wouldn’t it be great to come home to the safest place on earth? Or even the safest place you’ve experienced all day? When you walk through the front door, wouldn’t it be nice to truly believe that you can share the deepest thoughts, feelings, needs, and dreams in your heart, and that your future spouse will really listen, understand, and validate you? This is really the essence of emotional safety —that your fiancé(e) understands your value and, in essence, honors you.

Here’s what I really want you to remember: Apply the concept of honor now and forever. “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.” (Romans 12:10, NASB, emphasis added). You are beginning a journey with the person you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Throughout the years of your journey, you won’t always feel like you do right now, and that’s okay. You’ll encounter rough spots and challenges ahead, but through all the ups and downs, you can choose to see your spouse’s value (cherish) and treat him or her in valuable ways (nourish). Remember what you feel right now and why you chose your fiancé(e) as your partner on this journey. Honor will go a long way in marriage —now and forever.

GARY SMALLEY is one of the country’s best-known authors and speakers on relationships. He is the author and coauthor of fifty-two best-selling, award-winning books and videos that have reached more than twelve million people. In forty years Gary has spoken to more than two million people in live conferences, and he has appeared on national television networks and programs, including TBN, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Fox & Friends, Larry King Live, NBC’s Today show, and Life Today with James Robison, as well as numerous national radio programs such as The Sean Hannity Show, Focus on the Family, Oliver North’s show, and many more. Gary served as the president and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center, which has been providing research, relationship coaching, nationwide conferences, books, videos, and small-group curriculum for years. Gary and his wife, Norma, continue ministering to couples and live in Colorado Springs, Colorado. They’ve been married for more than fifty years.

Ready to Talk

  1. Think about when you first saw your fiancé(e). What was it about him or her that you noticed? As you talked to him or her, what was it about the interaction that made you ask for/agree to a first date?
  2. Song of Songs 4:1–3 and 5:10–16 reflect a groom’s and bride’s desire to honor each other. How would you rewrite these tributes to honor your spouse-to-be? Be sure to include some of your future mate’s unique attributes, and use terms that make sense in today’s culture. Then read your tributes to each other.
  3. One key to a great marriage is keeping your heart open. When a heart feels safe, it is more likely to stay open. Take turns answering this statement: “I feel safe when you . . . ,” and then share your answers with each other. The idea is to create a list of specific behaviors that help your fiancé(e) feel safe and, thus, keep his or her heart open to you. Choose one behavior off of your fiancé(e)’s list, and commit to carrying it out throughout your engagement.

Ready to Try

Make your own Cherish List about your spouse-to-be, like the one Gary made about Norma. Then get together with your fiancé(e) and share your lists with each other. Put the lists in a time capsule (perhaps a jar, jewelry box, or envelope) that you’ll plan to open on your first anniversary —if not before. Look your list over whenever you have a hard time honoring each other. It will help remind you of the qualities that attracted you to your mate in the first place.