CHAPTER 5

SOUL MATES: BUILDING SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

Joe White

BETH WAS OVERJOYED when her boyfriend, Don, became a Christian. She’d told him she couldn’t marry a non-Christian. But she didn’t know what lay ahead.

Almost from the day he received Christ as his Savior, Don was talking to Beth —and anybody else who would listen —about Jesus and his new life. Don was so enthusiastic, in fact, that Beth wasn’t sure what to do with him. He wanted to pray with her —out loud! That was something she’d never done with a man. He thought they ought to bow in prayer at meals, even in restaurants!

When Don finally convinced Beth to marry him, she was still concerned. She cringed at his desire to read the Bible together, much less pray. It was starting to drive her crazy.

Don didn’t get it. Why wasn’t Beth as thrilled as he was that they were both Christians? After all, the guys in his men’s Bible-study group had all been applauding his spiritual growth.

When he asked her about it, she tried to explain that her personal devotional life always had been just that —personal. Did they have to pray aloud together all the time?

Another couple, Nick and Margaret, had a slightly different problem. A busy airline pilot, Nick found it tough to keep up with regular church attendance and personal prayer and Bible reading. Margaret, on the other hand, was devoted to those things. The fact that praying together was so important to her made Nick feel uneasy . . . then irritated.

In premarital counseling, the two of them met with a mentor couple. Nick complained that when it came to prayer, Margaret was setting the bar too high: “I feel awkward doing that with her. Is it really better than praying by yourself?”

Deep down, Nick felt that praying as a couple was something people did in “the olden days.” What was the point of doing it now?[14]

When You’re Not Exactly Soul Mates

There’s a whole slew of Dons and Beths and Nicks and Margarets out there. Plenty of couples run smack into spiritual conflicts soon after —if not before —the wedding-reception DJ packs up the speakers and the photographer starts erasing the “red eye” from the group pictures. The bones of contention can pile up pretty quickly:

Part of the problem is that many couples don’t get around to talking about the details of their faith before they walk down the aisle. The result: conflicts that can leave more scars than an NFL championship game.

The good news is that there’s a solution to this problem. It gets engaged couples and husbands and wives on the same page. It creates unity. It’s a kind of intimacy a lot of future spouses forget —the spiritual kind.

The Goo Is Good

So what is spiritual intimacy? In marriage it’s like epoxy, which has two parts. Part A is the goo, and the goo is good. The goo is the lovey, “feely,” warm part of intimacy. It’s the part of love that we all love to experience! But epoxy doesn’t turn solid until you add part B. Part B is the hardening agent —in this case, the commitment to pleasing God together even when things are tough.

Spiritual intimacy is a strong, solidifying bond. Without it, marriage won’t work the way it should. Realizing that you both need to have Christ in the center and actually putting Him there will create spiritual intimacy in your marriage, just as it adds intimacy with Him when He’s the center of your personal lives.

If you figure this will involve things like prayer, going to church, serving, teaching spiritual truths to your children, and charitable giving, you’re right. But that’s not the whole story. It will also involve knowing your spouse’s spiritual heart and mind better than anyone else, and vice versa —being intimately familiar with each other’s questions, doubts, fears, bedrock convictions, priorities, and spiritual gifts. Creating this kind of closeness —and encouraging each other in your growth as Christians —is the foundation of spiritual intimacy.

Maybe you’re thinking, Man, that sounds hard. Is it really worth it?

I can tell you from experience that it is.

For more than thirty years, I’ve had the indescribable privilege of being assigned a fifty-yard-line seat in a most amazing arena where talent, charm, and character have been displayed like no other place on earth. The players are male and female. The male team dresses in well-tailored tuxedo uniforms; the female team is adorned in exquisite evening gowns. The star of the show wears a pure, dazzling-white dress. Her beauty is beyond my ability to describe.

By now, I’m sure you’ve guessed that the event is a wedding. My fifty-yard-line seat is the spot between the bride and groom where I can place their hands together and invite them to say, “I do.”

Almost all the weddings at which I’ve officiated feature a bride and groom from the staff of our Christian sports camp who met and fell in love there. The number of couples over the decades has become too large to keep up with. Even more amazing is that, at this writing, most of these couples are not only still married but are also very happily married.

So many marriages end in divorce, and a large percentage of those who stay married aren’t truly happy. What makes the difference for those I’ve closely witnessed? It’s found in these few simple verses of Scripture:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

PHILIPPIANS 2:1–4

United.

Fellowship.

Like-minded.

The same love.

One in spirit and purpose.

These people are on the same page. They’re in harmony. They’ve found spiritual intimacy.

What difference does that make? I’ll let Anne Graham Lotz, daughter of Billy Graham, answer that one. Here’s what she told Focus on the Family:

If you have two Christlike people, each putting the other one first and each living to serve Christ and the other one, you are going to have a wonderful marriage and a wonderful relationship. That doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be hard times and trials and things that afflict everybody in a marriage. But you are going to be healthy because your relationship with God is healthy.

I can’t argue with that. And after seeing it work for so many couples I’ve had the honor to join in marriage, I wouldn’t even try.

Top Tools to Build Spiritual Intimacy

So spiritual intimacy can be a game changer in your marriage. But how do you build it? Based on my years of experience with my wife, Debbie-Jo, my observation of many other couples, and listening to some of the wisest marriage experts in the country, let me share with you what I’ve learned.

Intimacy Builder No. 1: Share Your Faith History

To know where you’re going, you need to remember where you’ve been. In my case, that can be a painful experience.

My first wife abandoned me for the man who’d been my best friend in college. That left a pain in my heart that lasted a long time.

Both my first wife and my college friend are wonderful people. Although there’s little doubt that initiating divorce is wrong in most circumstances, I’ve never blamed them, nor have I ever been bitter. I cried my eyes out for a few months. Yet during that horrible time, I fell completely in love with God for the first time. I learned to give Him my todays as well as my tomorrows.

God not only healed my broken heart, but He also brought Debbie-Jo to me. (In case I haven’t told you, she is the greatest woman alive and the mom of my four kids.) God also gave me a passion for people who, like myself, find themselves at the bottom of an emotional canyon with no apparent way out.

I learned a lot in my brokenness before God. I can see Him at His best when I am at my worst. He is never closer than those times when I fall on my face.

That’s not my whole faith history, of course, but it’s an important part of it. If I hadn’t shared my spiritual journey with Debbie-Jo, how would she truly know and understand where I’m coming from? And if she hadn’t shared her spiritual journey with me, how would I know and understand her?

Start sharing your faith history with your spouse-to-be, if you haven’t already. Talk about the role faith played in your growing-up years and what it means to you now. Have there been times when you’ve felt extremely close to God? Or times when you’ve wondered if your prayers went beyond the ceiling?

Some parts of your story may be happy or even funny. Others may be hard to talk about. But before you can write new chapters of your own as a couple, make sure you both understand what’s come before.

Intimacy Builder No. 2: Start with Yourself

Make sure you’re growing spiritually as an individual. One of the first steps toward spiritual intimacy is making sure your own relationship with God is in order. Not perfect, but alive and growing.

I used to cohost a radio program called Life on the Edge LIVE! One evening a young woman called in. She had this to say:

Picture yourself driving a car. . . . You’re driving down the highway, and you forgot to turn your lights on. But you can see because everyone else’s lights are on, and they’re going the same way. But what would happen if everyone else left the picture? [You’d be] lost too, because your lights aren’t on. You’ve got to have that fire and that light inside of you from the Lord. It’s got to be genuine and yours.

Do you have your spiritual headlights on? Or are you depending on others —maybe even your spouse —to show the way?

Dr. Juli Slattery put it this way in an interview with Focus on the Family:

I think growing together starts with growing individually, because as God has a relationship with husband and wife together, He also has an intimate relationship with each of us. A couple that isn’t individually spending time with God and praying to Him and striving to grow on their own is going to have a lot of difficulty coming together as one and growing. . . .

Now, once both the husband and wife have a personal relationship with God that is growing and thriving, it’s a wonderful thing to begin doing things together as a couple that enhance and express that.

And what if your personal relationship with God isn’t growing and thriving? Talk about it honestly with each other and with your pastor or another mature believer you trust. You can work on this together, even before the wedding. You’ll probably find it a lot more fulfilling than picking out invitations and registering for casserole dishes on the Internet!

Intimacy Builder No. 3: Be Patient with Differences in Spiritual Maturity

“Accept one another” (Romans 15:7) is a simple three-word phrase that’s the best possible prescription for holding a marriage together. Acceptance is the strongest glue for relationships. No earthquake or tornado can compare to its power.

Debbie-Jo had a rocky childhood from contending with generations of family dysfunction. At first her emotional wounds didn’t fit into my pious formula for “the perfect wife.” Yet we have a blast together these days because I’ve learned to accept her just as she is and thank God for giving me far more than I deserve!

One or both of you might feel inadequate at first when it comes to blending your spiritual lives. You might feel as though you haven’t reached the same “level” —maybe one of you is a new Christian. Just start where you are and remember to give each other grace along the way.

Intimacy Builder No. 4: Value Your Relationship More than Winning

Jason and Tyra are newlyweds. Jason knows that God doesn’t want worshipers to raise their hands in the air or play electric guitars on the sanctuary platform. Tyra knows the exact opposite. Tyra also knows that God doesn’t want husbands to play video games with the words evil or theft in the title. Jason knows that’s nonsense.

The result of all this knowing is a lot of sharp words and cold stares.

There’s nothing like arguing to prove how spiritual you are. It’s kind of like hiring the Goodyear Blimp to pull a banner across the sky that says, LOOK HOW HUMBLE I AM! Yet many couples can’t resist the urge to set each other straight, even if it means their relationship takes a kidney punch.

Dr. Paul Reisser and Teri Reisser, a very smart couple (he’s a pediatrician; she’s a counselor) came up with this advice:

Here’s a hot tip: Most couples get into trouble when they’re discussing issues because they’re more committed to winning than to actually understanding the other person’s point of view, let alone giving it credence. Thus it is vitally important that you and your spouse feel heard, understood, and respected when there is a difference of opinion regarding spiritual values. Not only does this prevent discord and anger —which is what Scripture would ask of us, by the way —but from a practical standpoint you’re more likely to succeed at wooing, rather than arguing, the other person to your viewpoint.[15]

Your spouse isn’t the enemy. And you’re not the spirituality police. The same goes for husbands who aim to “convict” their wives. Want to get closer? Don’t push your spouse away, hoping to score one more point.

Intimacy Builder No. 5: Pray Together

It amazes me how many married couples never pray together outside of saying grace at meals. Nothing builds spiritual intimacy like praying together. It doesn’t have to be hard or embarrassing; you’re talking to a loving heavenly Father who wants to be a close friend. So at least once a day, make time to pray together.

One of my favorite things is sitting next to Debbie-Jo at night and reading the Bible with her. Then I hold her hand and ask how I can pray for her needs. The intimacy and bonding it brings to our relationship is indescribable.

Such a simple question! “Honey, how can I pray for you?” Once, during one of the craziest weeks of my life, I asked her this, and she said with a playful smile, “Pray for yourself! You’re nuts!” (She was probably right!)

Good times, bad times, busy times, and peaceful times —taking each other’s needs seriously and praying about them together is a key to open hearts and richness in a relationship.

You may find time to do this first thing in the morning, in the evening after dinner, or at bedtime —whatever works for you as a couple. But carve out time to pray together. If you make this a habit early in your marriage, it can make all the difference in setting the tone for your relationship. By doing this, you’re saying to each other, “Your spiritual growth is important to me. Our spiritual growth as a couple is a priority.”

During this prayer time, besides praying for each other, praise God and give thanks. Make requests. When issues arise or decisions need to be made, pray together to find resolution. Avoid using prayer to preach at each other —a sure way to chill spiritual intimacy.

Like two of the spouses mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, many husbands and wives feel awkward about praying together. To some it feels artificial or phony or forced —or just embarrassing. My friends (and in-laws) Gary and Barb Rosberg know all about that. Their experience shows how praying together can go from scary territory to a safe haven. Here’s how Gary tells it (as told to Focus on the Family):

Barb and I first met on a blind date. She had just come to Christ and invited me to a Bible study. I had just become a Christian and had never been to a Bible study. . . . This girl starts praying, and then a guy starts praying, and then another guy starts praying. . . . We were all in a circle, and we were supposed to close our eyes and pray. But I remember my eyes were as big as saucers, and I was thinking, I am not going to pray. . . . I remember thinking, What is the deal with this? How do you do this?

[Afterward] we sat for two hours in the parking lot behind the frat house. . . . I thought there should be a minister in there or somebody to lead this thing. And I said, “How do you pray?”

Barb looked at me and said, “Gary, just talk to God. Just talk.” So I took her hand and I bowed my head and I just said, “Dear Lord, I want to know you like Barb knows you.” I remember she looked up, and she had this little tear coming down her cheek, and she leaned over and kissed me. I remember pray and kiss, pray and kiss. . . .

I began going to spiritual intimacy seminars. . . . I think what became clear to us at that time was that if a relationship was going to have any kind of legs to it, if [we] were going to sustain a relationship, it would have to be a relationship of three —with [both] husband and wife . . . submitting to Christ and allowing Christ to be in the midst of that. . . .

Praying together allows us to grow spiritually together. . . . We have learned to do conversational prayer. So we will hold each other’s hand, and I will kind of pray a sentence, and she will pray a sentence and [then] I’ll pray a sentence.

Barb adds one more reason to pray together:

You know how hard it is to be mad at your mate and have to pray together? [The Bible] says that if you are praying to the Lord and you are angry with someone, leave your sacrifice to the Lord and make it right with that other person. This is so true in marriage. . . . We are connecting to Jesus Christ so that we can walk in oneness . . . because God loves it when we live together in harmony.

Intimacy Builder No. 6: Read the Bible and Devotional Books Together

One of the best ways to grow closer spiritually is to read God’s Word together. Maybe this doesn’t sound terribly original. But that’s because it’s so true.

What you read is up to you. Chances are the two of you won’t be drawn to the same Scripture at the same time. Some couples take turns picking which books of the Bible to read. I tend to choose easy reads, like Luke. Debbie-Jo likes to dig deep into God’s Word and His plans, so she picks books like Ezekiel! I usually let her decide what we read together and honor her by reading aloud to her in the evening.

Author Tricia Goyer and her husband, John, take a more laid-back approach:

About seven years ago John and I started reading the Bible together before he leaves for work. We’re reading through the Bible, but we don’t try to stick to a plan. We tried that and it just stressed us out!

Instead, we keep a bookmark in the Bible and pick up where we left off last time. We each take a turn reading a chapter out loud if we have time. If not, we split a chapter and each read half. We don’t stress if we can’t get it in, but we enjoy it when we do. It also gives us great topics of conversation throughout the day.[16]

As you read, don’t get hung up on which spouse is more intellectual or “deeper.” This isn’t a competition. It’s a time to learn and grow closer to God together, sharing questions and insights as you talk about what you’ve read.

For variety, try reading a couple’s devotional together. For a change of pace, read the day’s passage separately and then come together to talk it over. Choose a devotional book that sparks interest in both of you. One possibility is The Best Year of Your Marriage by Jim and Jean Daly and the counselors at Focus on the Family. It even has a year’s worth of relationship-building activities you can do together. Some couples I know get daily devotionals on their smartphones or via e-mail. Over dinner they ask each other what they thought about the reading and how they might apply the ideas.

As Debbie-Jo and I read the Bible and Bible-based books together, we often receive guidance and answers we’ve been needing. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” One way He does that is by getting us on the same page —literally.

Intimacy Builder No. 7: Learn from Church, Small Groups, and Mentors

Will just showing up at church boost your spiritual intimacy? Nope. Merely watching the Olympics won’t get you a gold medal either. But one of the most practical ways to grow together spiritually is to be truly connected to a life-giving church.

Find one where you both feel comfortable; this might mean visiting several and asking for recommendations from people you know. Don’t expect perfection, but find a place where you feel challenged and inspired. And make friends! Building relationships with other Christians can help yours, too.

Consider joining a small group or Sunday school class. These can provide creative ways to study the Bible together and learn how it applies to married life, helping you stay accountable in your walk with God. Some of your best spiritual conversations may take place in your car on the way home from a small-group meeting.

That’s what Lana and Ian discovered. Because of a job opportunity, they relocated to a new state not long after marrying. Finding themselves without friends or family nearby, both were eager to find people to “do life with.” After visiting several churches in their new town, they settled on one they both liked and joined a small group for young married couples.

Now Lana says, “That group of couples became our second family. We prayed for each other and studied Scripture together, but we also just spent time together —like conversations over dinner and activities on the weekends. They brought meals when our first baby was born. Even now, we consider those people to be our lifelong friends. I had no idea how much having a Christian community of friends would mean to both me and Ian. That was a season of spiritual growth for us.”

Once you’ve found a community of believers, consider taking things to the next level —by connecting with a mentor couple. If you’re not sure what mentors are, think Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker —or Charles Xavier and the X-Men. They teach, especially by example.

Learning from other believers —whether through a congregation, class, or mentor —takes a little humility. But when it comes to building spiritual intimacy, it’s hard to beat.

Intimacy Builder No. 8: Serve Together

Service doesn’t just benefit those you’re serving. It can do wonders for your spiritual intimacy, too. Has your own Christian life been less than exciting? You can start today to change things for the better.

One newlywed couple I know was struggling to connect. Spiritual growth was important to these two, but they seemed to be on different tracks. They needed to figure out how to live out their journey together.

Karen had a heart for others, and Mike had the gift of service; he loved to help people in hands-on ways. They discovered that doing acts of service as a couple was a great way to grow together spiritually. At Christmastime they visited nursing homes and ministered to the elderly. During the summer they volunteered at the local rescue mission and served side by side in the soup kitchen. They connected with a community children’s home to provide supplies that some of the kids needed —and in the process connected with each other.

What will work best for you? Engage in some fun brainstorming. You might even come up with something really original —as my friends Will and Cindy did. Every year in December, they save all their Christmas cards and put them in a basket. They keep the basket on a shelf next to the dining-room table. Each night at dinner, they select a card and pray for the person or people who sent it.

“Dear God, help Johnny in his dental practice in Oregon.”

“Lord, comfort Ted and Ginger as they make their move from Boise.”

It didn’t take long for word to get out concerning Will and Cindy’s basket. Now people send them cards throughout the year just so they can be on the prayer list!

Intimacy Builder No. 9: Review Each Day for Signs of God’s Blessing

Counting your blessings may not be a new idea, but it’s a classic. Blessings give us a chance to thank God and cheer each other on. They can be an opportunity to make spiritual strides as we celebrate God’s love and power.

It’s harder, though, when blessings are in disguise. The fine art of seeing Romans 8:28 —the truth that God ultimately works everything together “for the good of those who love him” —is a huge challenge in some situations. Every couple will go through pain and brokenness, especially in today’s tragic world. Every spouse needs to know that all those things do work together for good when God gets His hands on them.

How can you turn your traumas into opportunities for spiritual growth? I’ve found it helpful to use a word picture with my family, that of stained-glass windows. None of God’s “paintings” are on canvas. They’re all made of thousands of broken pieces, skillfully picked up and dusted off and soldered together into magnificent murals. The broken pieces are made of our hurts and hard times. With my family I’ve used examples of my own hurts, and theirs, to show how God is slowly making stained-glass windows of our lives.

Using this word picture with your mate may not be easy. It can take lots of asking “What’s wrong?” and “How do you feel?” and “What are you doing about it?” questions, not to mention hours of warmth and empathy and unconditional love.

When your hearts break —when the job or the pregnancy or the friendship is lost —you can use the word picture carefully. You can sit down with your mate and say, “God makes stained-glass windows. Let’s look at ours.”

At night before you go to sleep, start thinking of how God blessed you throughout the day. Once you’re married, share a blessing or two with your spouse at bedtime. Doing this helps you both maintain a positive perspective and also gives you an opportunity to share unique details about your day.

Intimacy Builder No. 10: Be Biblical (and Humble) About Spiritual Leadership

When I asked my son Brady if he knew how he felt about spiritual intimacy in marriage, he said, “Yes.” Then he hesitated. Finally he went on to say that he knew how important it is in marriage, but he also realized that “no one is more intimidating to lead spiritually than your wife.”

I agree wholeheartedly! Debbie-Jo is one of the most amazing and brilliant women I know. She’s smarter than I am and spiritually deeper as well. The idea of leading her is definitely intimidating! Where do I even start?

Scary as the concept may be, God says that the man is to lead his wife (1 Corinthians 11:3). Still, it takes time, patience, and humility to work out exactly what that means in your marriage. Taking a wrong turn in this area can actually undo spiritual intimacy.

Take James and Jennifer, for instance. They’d been married for only a few months, but Jennifer was beginning to feel frustrated. It seemed to her that since the wedding, James rarely asked her opinion anymore on matters of faith. Often when she shared her feelings, hurts, or fears with him, he tended to dismiss her feelings and simply quoted Bible verses to her.

While James did have an impressive knowledge of the Bible, his inability to be open, transparent, and loving in this area hindered his effectiveness as a spiritual leader. Rather than sharing spiritual closeness with her husband, Jennifer ended up wanting to pull away.

How can you avoid that trap? You might try the approach Dr. Juli Slattery took (as shared with Focus on the Family):

When my husband and I first got married, I sat back and wondered how it was going to feel to really trust his leadership. In some ways I was the more natural leader. . . . So I struggled with, How can I respect his leadership? . . .

I had a wise counselor who sat down with me one day and said, “Juli, you approach things like, ‘ABCD all the way to Z.’ Your husband approaches things like, ‘Start with a little bit of D and do a little bit of M and a little bit of O and P,’ and it drives you crazy. But you have to remember he is always going to get to Z too; you are going to end up at the same place. You just need to learn to trust.”

I also learned that there are areas of leadership, strength, and maturity that Mike had that I was not recognizing. He is a man of great faith, just really trusting God where I felt like, I need to get it done right now on my own and trust my own strength. . . .

No matter whom you are married to, there are character qualities, even if you think you are stronger, that you can get behind and begin to encourage your husband to lead physically, spiritually, and emotionally in ways that you never thought of before.

Plan ahead to deal with this issue respectfully, lovingly, and humbly. Let God’s design draw you nearer to each other, not further apart.

The Most Lasting Bond of All

How will building spiritual intimacy make a difference in your marriage? Prioritizing your faith will only make your marriage stronger. When times get rough (and they will), you’ll have a solid foundation of faith to help you weather the storm together. When it’s hard to keep your commitment to one another, or when you’re not feeling that “loving feeling,” your mutual commitment to Christ can remind you why you signed on for the long haul —and why it’s worth it to stay.

JOE WHITE is president of Kanakuk Kamps and founder of Kids Across America. He is also the author of more than twenty books and speaks across the country for Men at the Cross/Wildfire Weekend, After Dark, Pure Excitement, NFL chapels, and Focus on the Family radio. Dr. James Dobson says, “Joe White knows more about teenagers than anyone in North America.” Joe and his wife, Debbie-Jo, are the parents of four grown children and the grandparents of eleven. The Whites reside in Branson, Missouri.

Ready to Talk

  1. How would you define spiritual intimacy? Which of the following fit your perspective best?

    How do you think your childhood, friends, family, and church, along with TV, social media, and the culture, have influenced the way you view this subject?

  2. A shared spiritual relationship is a journey that you are starting now as an engaged couple. Which of the Intimacy Builders within the chapter would be most helpful as you seek to take your spiritual relationship to the next level?
  3. How would you rank the following in order of importance? If the two of you rank the items differently, try to explain your choices. Then take each person’s number one suggestion and talk about how you’ll work on it during the first six months after the wedding.
    • Praying together
    • Reading the Bible together
    • Learning to make decisions together prayerfully
    • Attending church and a small group together
    • Reviewing each day for signs of blessing
    • Serving together

Ready to Try

Do you attend church together? If not, visit one this week. If you already go to church together, attend according to your usual schedule. In either case, stop by a coffee shop or café after services and talk about your preferences in a church home. Do you like the church you attend? If not, what do you look for in a church community? If you could wave a magic wand to create your most perfect church, what would it look like? Talk about your experiences with church attendance. Did you go to church with your family as a child? Was faith an important part of your home life? If not, what role do you hope faith will play in your marriage? How do you feel about devotional reading? Praying together? Mentorship? Service opportunities? Choose at least two of the ideas from this chapter that you’d like to carry out in married life.