CHAPTER 6

ONE FLESH: SEXUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Juli Slattery, PhD

ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, you’ll receive lots of gifts, but none of them will come close to the beauty of the gift of sex. Sexual intimacy in marriage is a gift that keeps on giving. It can create vulnerability between husband and wife that makes every other relationship pale in comparison. The hormones released through regular sexual activity do everything from making you feel in love to lowering your blood pressure and helping you sleep better. Sex is also mysteriously spiritual, as the apostle Paul explained in Ephesians 5:31–32, painting a picture of God’s infinite love for you. Not to mention that sex is a lot of fun and feels great! The problem is that the gift of sex usually isn’t immediately appreciated but may take years to fully unwrap.

If you want a good laugh, get a conversation started about honeymoon horror stories. Almost every married person you meet will have one. I’ve heard tales of vomiting and sunburn for an entire week in Mexico, flat tires, a flooded hotel room, missed airplanes, and mistaking toothpaste for K-Y Jelly (ouch!). Perhaps the worst was when friends of the groom decided to play a prank and hid under the bridal chamber bed all night. Not funny. I think I would have been scarred for life!

Mike and I could add to the tales of newlywed woes. Our wedding night started out with a bellman who wouldn’t leave our hotel room. He spent fifteen minutes showing Mike how to work the TV (like he would be watching TV!). Then the bellman couldn’t find the champagne that was part of the honeymoon package and came knocking on our door to present it to us about forty minutes later. Superb timing!

We then drove to a cabin in Tennessee with hardwood floors and no bed. Mike bought an air mattress that ended up having a not-so-slow leak. There were some other more personal challenges on the honeymoon that could have devastated us early on. I wish I could tell you that things got drastically better right after the honeymoon, but they didn’t. Along with some good times, our first few years of marriage were filled with challenges in the bedroom.

Before we talk more about challenges, let me encourage you: Things got better. A lot better! Sex is meant to be a beautiful part of your marriage. It truly is a gift. There may be challenges at first (as I can attest to!), but hang in there. Intimacy in marriage can be all you hope it will be. Throughout this chapter, we’ll talk a little about common problems and what it takes to have the love life you want.

Looking Ahead

As you look forward to your honeymoon and beyond, are you excited or filled with trepidation? You may be wondering, Is sex a great blessing, or will it be a huge disappointment? Honestly, it may initially be both. Intimacy in marriage can be all you hope it will be, but it may not be so immediately.

A honeymoon is like opening a brand-new set of Legos. When a child gets Legos, he certainly doesn’t expect to find the finished model in the box. The whole point of Legos is to build. The picture on the box is simply to reflect what the pieces are designed to eventually create. The same is true of sex. When you get married, you open the set of Legos. From that moment on, it’s going to take time, patience, and dedication to become expert builders. Along the way, you’ll run into roadblocks in the building process.

The most normal thing about sexual intimacy is to encounter challenges along the way. Here are some common ones:

Here’s the good news: Every sexual challenge can be a pathway to deeper intimacy and, ultimately, greater sex. Nineteen years into marriage, I’m actually thankful for the intimacy struggles Mike and I have been through. Why? Because through them, we learned how to love each other.

What If You’ve Already Opened the Box of Legos?

Realistically, many Christian couples have had sex together before their honeymoon. If you fall into this category, you probably have an additional layer of confusion about sex. On the one hand, you are supposed to be excited about having sex within a marriage covenant that God blesses. On the other hand, you may be experiencing other emotions, such as guilt, knowing that God created the gift of sexual intimacy for you to enjoy after you make a public covenant.

I want to take a moment and speak to you as your sister in Christ. I want you to hear my heart and know that I have your very best interest in mind. I’m not trying to judge you, shame you, or criticize you. Instead, I’d like to speak truth into you and your relationship. If you and your fiancé(e) are having sex before marriage, you should consider some important truths. First, the fact that you’re getting married soon doesn’t mean that God overlooks the fact that you are currently choosing to violate His expressed will for you. Many Scripture verses, including 1 Corinthians 6:18–20, tell us to stay away from sexually immoral choices.

Second, God takes sin seriously, and He wants us to as well. The plain fact is that He doesn’t excuse an unmarried couple sleeping together because “everyone is doing it” or just because they love each other.

Unconfessed sin is a heavy burden that can dampen the enthusiasm of your sexual relationship in marriage. God says to confess your sin honestly, and He will forgive and cleanse you (see 1 John 1:9). If you and your future spouse have been sexually intimate, ask God together to forgive and cleanse you. Be encouraged that God will freely forgive you, and He wants your marriage to thrive! He wants you to live with integrity when it comes to your sexuality.

You might say, “What’s the use of not living together or sleeping together now? We’re getting married in a few months!” I think it makes a big difference to God. You’re choosing to yield this important part of your lives to Him. Yes, it will cost you something, but God will honor that choice. What does this look like? You might need to limit the time you spend alone with each other. Respect each other enough to find ways to avoid having sex until marriage.

If you’re already living together, I strongly recommend you both come up with a plan for how you can live separately until the wedding. Could one of you stay with your parents or a roommate? While this may seem inconvenient, I promise it’s the right thing to do, and it’s worth it. Decide together to start your marriage off by honoring God with your sexuality. Set the foundation for your future family by choosing to follow God’s biblical plan for your marriage. Commit to abstaining from sex until your wedding night. Why does it matter? Because you want to begin your marriage journey by honoring the Lord and asking for His unrestrained blessing. I can assure you that I’ve never met a couple who regretted making these adjustments to honor God. Although it may be inconvenient, it’s worth it!

Love Isn’t Proven to Be Love Until It’s Difficult to Give

Any husband or wife can show love when love comes easily. Any spouse can be a responsive lover when all his or her needs are being met. Jesus said that even pagans know how to love when someone is being nice to them (see Matthew 5:43–48). This kind of love is really self-love. It is based on your appreciation for how your future spouse treats you. God wants you to learn how to make a different kind of love, and He may just use sex to teach you this important lesson.

The form of love God calls you to learn has very little to do with how you feel or how you are being treated. It’s a love that is absolutely committed to the well-being of the other person —no matter what. You won’t know if you have this kind of love for your future spouse until love becomes difficult to give. When you run into disagreements in the bedroom (and believe me, you will!), will you resort to selfishness, or will you strive to understand and meet the needs of your spouse?

I recently talked with one young wife who was frustrated that she is always the one who initiates sex. Often when she does, her husband says, “Not tonight.” She’s riddled with questions about how she looks and her inability to please her husband. Finally her husband admitted that he prefers to masturbate because “it’s just easier than having sex.” Although his statement sounds harsh, it’s a common conclusion for men and women to reach but never speak out loud. Who wants to risk the possibility of rejection or the humiliation of failing as a lover? And why invest all of the work and effort of pleasing another person when you can quickly and effortlessly please yourself?

What will your love look like when you’ve been rejected? Shamed? Misunderstood? Ignored? The challenges of sexual intimacy are certain to bring out all of these experiences at one point or another. You may be able to negotiate the budget, the thermostat, work schedules, and whose family to go to for Christmas, but sexual conflict cuts right to the core. For example, if one of you is still using porn or flirting with a coworker, or if either of you had many sexual partners in the past, you’ll need to talk through these discoveries. These will be tremendous tests of your love and will reveal places in your hearts you never knew existed.

Each of these challenges will either destroy or build a foundation of love, largely depending upon how you respond to them. The couples I know who are most in love have been married for many, many years. They’ve weathered storms that required true forgiveness, humility, patience, and honesty. Together they’ve walked through things like infertility, cancer, grief, sexual-abuse recovery, and even infidelity. The very things that should have torn them apart ended up gluing them closer together.

I remember the lowest point of our honeymoon. Sex was creating tension and conflict between us. I was in tears, and my husband was frustrated. His anger flared briefly. I felt ashamed and humiliated. I wanted to be anywhere but in an isolated cabin all alone with him!

God, did I make a mistake by marrying Mike? I prayed. I’m so lonely!

I looked up from my tears to see my new husband sitting on the couch reading his Bible. After about twenty minutes of reading, he put his arm around me and said something like, “Juli, I love you so much. This is just the beginning of our lives together. We’re going to work through this.”

My despondency immediately turned to hope. The man I just wished I hadn’t married was now my white knight.

How Mike and I responded to those early disappointments became the foundation of the love that we’ve continued to build upon. Sometimes he’s the one selflessly accepting my limitations. Other times I’m the one graciously extending forgiveness or stretching out of my comfort zone to learn to love him sexually. The very things that threatened to sour our love ended up fortifying it.

Sex Is the Greatest Test of (and Laboratory for) True Love

Do you find it ironic that while sex is touted to be a dynamic force of unity between a couple, it can also be a source of conflict? If God designed sexual intimacy to bond a man and wife together, why do so many couples cite sexual issues as a main reason for splitting up? Why did God create men and women so differently? It almost seems as though we’re set up for sexual incompatibility and conflict. Let me encourage you as you look forward to your wedding and beyond: I believe that God will use sexual differences to test and refine your love for your spouse.

Nothing will drastically reveal selfishness and fear like sexual challenges between you and your spouse. After a few months (or maybe a few days) of marriage, you’ll realize that you don’t always want sex when your spouse wants it. Your thoughts will probably go like this: Why should I have to give him/her my body whenever demanded? I’m not some object with an on-off switch.

If you’re the one who initiated sex, only to be rejected, maybe you had thoughts like this: Seriously? We are married! I thought part of getting married was never having to be rejected again. This is just humiliating!

And if you can agree to have sex at the same time, that certainly doesn’t guarantee marital bliss. You might find yourselves arguing over foreplay or talking too much or not enough. You might say things like “Why don’t you kiss me anymore?” “I don’t like to be touched there!” “Can’t we do something different for once?” Or your spouse might mysteriously shut down in the middle of the act.

Every time a challenge like this presents itself, your love will be tested. You’re not getting what you deserve. You’re not being treated with respect. He doesn’t understand how you feel. She has no clue how to meet your needs. You may begin to doubt that you’re in love at all! After all, love could never be so disappointing and painful. Or could it?

How Will You Respond to the Challenges You Face?

You must determine now what kind of lover you will be. How will you respond to the inevitable disappointments and discouragements of sexual love? Will the challenges prove that you’re quick to hold a grudge or eager to forgive? Defensive or humble? Selfish or sacrificial? Demanding or sensitive?

The conflicts and disappointments you’ll encounter in marriage will have little to do with whether or not you married the wrong person. More likely they’ll reveal whether you’re willing for God to make you a great lover.

The best marital advice I can give you is to determine to be a team in sexual intimacy, no matter what. God has given you sex not just for pleasure and procreation but also to glue you together in profound ways. Sexual oneness isn’t just about naked bodies touching; it eventually demands that your love is tested and shared with vulnerability and ultimate intimacy.

Here are four practical suggestions for nurturing sexual intimacy in your marriage. These qualities are true of every great team and all great lovers:

1. Great teams communicate with each other. Talking about sexual intimacy can be a challenge. To start with, what words do you use to describe sexual acts, desires, and the sexual parts of the body? The words you like might be offensive to your future husband or wife. Or maybe you just feel awkward talking about the whole topic.

Sexual conversations can quickly escalate into raw conflict. Why? Because sexuality is so core to who each of you is as a person. It’s humiliating to admit to a porn struggle. It’s embarrassing to ask your spouse for more sex and devastating to hear that you aren’t meeting your husband or wife’s sexual needs. Sexual conflict usually taps into issues of shame, control, body image, trust, masculinity, and femininity. A lot of couples choose not to venture into this emotional landmine, so they just avoid the topic.

It doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out that you can’t solve problems together if you don’t communicate. You can’t learn to please each other if the very topic is off limits. So how do you learn to talk about sex together? I have two tried-and-true suggestions for you:

Let someone else start the conversation. When Mike and I encountered this roadblock, we used things like books, marriage seminars, and radio broadcasts to bring up the topics that we didn’t know how to address. When authors like Cliff and Joyce Penner explained a common problem, I could just say, “I feel like they just described me.” These outside resources gave us the permission and the words to start the conversation.

Make sexual conversations safe. I can think of at least a handful of times when I hurt Mike with insensitive words on this topic. Sometimes it was a flippant remark; other times my cutting words came out of my own hurt. Be aware that your future spouse is probably very sensitive about sexual issues, just like you are. Ask questions and listen. His or her perspective will be very different from yours, so don’t assume anything. If you have a “complaint” about your sexual relationship after you marry, share it with grace, remembering that you are both just learning how to love each other.

2. Great teams have solid coaching. If talking about sex with your future spouse is difficult, admitting a sexually related problem to a doctor, therapist, or pastor may feel even harder. Yet that’s exactly what might be required to get through challenges like a sexual addiction, physical problems, infertility, or healing from sexual abuse.

I’ve seen couples stop having sex at all because the husband or wife was too embarrassed to get help. A great sexual relationship will require you to fight through barriers. At times this will mean admitting that you’ll need help. Getting married, establishing a sexual relationship with your spouse, and even having children can trigger wounds and memories of sexual trauma for both men and women. It will be very difficult to move forward in intimacy in marriage without addressing past trauma.

As a psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with many marriages through difficulties related to intimacy. I have the greatest respect for a young man or woman who is willing to ask for help and engage in the healing process. If you have sexual trauma in your past or think you have a sexual addiction, please don’t try to convince yourself that your wounds will go away. The great news is that God is the healer, even of sexual pain. His truth can set you free from lies, His peace can calm your anxiety, His forgiveness can cleanse the darkest sin, and His love can be a healing balm over violation and betrayal.

How do you know whom to ask for help? It might sound cliché, but the best place to start is to ask the Lord for wisdom and healing. Very few Christian couples ever pray together about their sexual relationship. Has it ever dawned on you that God cares about your sexual intimacy? He does. He created it and He blesses it. He is also able to provide the wisdom and direction you need through His Word, His Spirit, and the advice of wise counselors and experts.

Remember that sexual topics are often morally laden. Some “sex experts” offer immoral and destructive advice. When I was in my doctoral program, I took classes on human sexuality that encouraged married couples to do everything from visiting strip clubs together to divorcing if they were “sexually incompatible.” Be sure that any books you read or advice you take comes from someone who recognizes God as the creator of sex and the ultimate source for how it should work.

3. Great teams never confuse a teammate for the opponent. Sexual temptation is nothing new. Just read Proverbs, which was written thousands of years ago, and you’ll see that even then, young men were strongly warned to avoid the deception of an alluring harlot. Though elicit sex could always be found thousands of years ago, now it is actively pursuing us —whether we’re male or female, married or single.

Almost every young man and many young women will enter marriage with some history of exposure to pornography or erotica (often the female version of porn). Because of its widespread use, visual and written porn are often just accepted as facts of modern-day life. But just because something is accepted as normal doesn’t mean it isn’t also dangerous.

One of Satan’s most successful strategies is to turn husbands and wives against one another. He constantly attempts to destroy, demolish, and distort married sex. Not only will he use sexual temptation to water down your sexual intimacy, he will try to use the battle to divide you. Battling sexual temptation is difficult enough, but it becomes impossible when you are fighting each other instead of clearly identifying the true enemy.

If either of you struggles with sexual temptation, you must begin to see this as your problem as a couple. I don’t mean that you should take responsibility for your fiancé(e)’s purity. However, when sexual sin and temptation hits one of you, it impacts both of you. Satan will use pornography, inappropriate emotional attachments, and other forms of temptation to further divide you if he can define your spouse-to-be as “the problem” or “the enemy.” As long as you are fighting each other, you cannot stand together.

Standing together starts with humility and empathy. As Jesus taught, we cannot lovingly confront another person’s sin until we’ve brought our own failings before God and sought His grace. You might not know what it’s like to struggle with sexual temptation, but you do know what it’s like to have a “besetting sin.” Maybe yours is gossip, dishonesty, bitterness, pride, or coveting. Once you’re married, if you encounter sexual sin in your marriage, confront your spouse with the humility and awareness of your own weaknesses rather than feeding shame with a self-righteous spirit of judgment.

Empathy doesn’t mean that you ignore the problem, but that you strive together in God’s strength to honor Him. The thing I love about this is it turns Satan’s strategies against him. Instead of letting Satan divide you, you and your future spouse will become more united than ever as you fight together for your marriage. Indeed, God can “[work all things] together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NLT).

4. Great teams play offense and defense. If you’re a sports fan, you know the importance of a great offense and defense. No team can win the Super Bowl, the World Series, an NBA championship, or the World Cup without both. The same will be true in your marriage. For your love life to flourish and go the distance, you’ll have to work together to build offensive and defensive strategies.

A lot of the information you get from Christian sources emphasizes defense. Many sermons and books teach about the importance of purity in marriage, setting up hedges against affairs, and battling temptation. Building boundaries and safeguards to keep your marriage bed pure is extremely important. You’ll need to talk about things like whether to keep old flames as Facebook friends and what boundaries to have with opposite-sex coworkers. What is currently an innocent connection now may become a source of temptation when things in your marriage get difficult. As hard as it may be to imagine today, you will face sexual temptation at some point in your marriage. Start preparing for it now.

Just as important as playing defense in your marriage, you’ll need to work together to learn how to “score” (yes, the pun is intended)! As they say in sports, “The best defense is a great offense.” This definitely applies to marital sexuality. A couple who has a mutually satisfying, exciting sex life is far less open to temptation than a couple who doesn’t.

How do you plan for an exciting sex life in marriage? First by realizing that you have permission to do so. A lot of Christians have a hard time erasing all of the “thou shalt not” messages. Even though you might intellectually know it’s okay to have sex once you’re married, you may still feel restrained or guilty for being too sexual. Are Christians really supposed to get carried away with sexual pleasure in the marriage bed? The answer is yes! If you don’t believe me, take a look at the Song of Songs. Both Solomon and his bride were very free with their bodies and their words and were absolutely taken with sexual pleasure. And God said this was good!

John Piper encourages married couples to offensively battle Satan by pleasing each other in bed:

A married couple gives a severe blow to the head of that ancient serpent when they aim to give as much sexual satisfaction to each other as possible. Is it not a mark of amazing grace that on top of all the pleasure that the sexual side of marriage brings, it also proves to be a fearsome weapon against our ancient foe?[17]

There is nothing spiritual about settling for a mediocre sex life. Yes, there will be seasons of marriage in which sex might be difficult or may not be a high priority. But God’s desire for you is that you work toward experiencing the greatest sexual delight in one another. As you look forward to marriage, take some time to talk together about what steps you think God would have you take to lay the foundation for intimacy that will last a lifetime.

Building a great sex life over the years will take intentionality, time, and effort. But trust me, it’s well worth the effort, and it’s a whole lot more fun than just playing defense!

I’m so glad that the greatest sex isn’t on your honeymoon (or before you’re married), as some might have led you to believe. If you stay committed to “making love” after the honeymoon, your sexual journey will get sweeter and sweeter with time. Once you’re married, don’t neglect this important part of your marriage. With a little effort and patience, the depth of intimacy you can achieve will be indescribable.

DR. JULI SLATTERY is a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional. She cofounded Authentic Intimacy, a women’s media ministry focusing on intimacy in marriage and intimacy with Christ. Juli’s books include Passion Pursuit (coauthored with Linda Dillow), Pulling Back the Shades (coauthored with Dannah Gresh), Finding the Hero in Your Husband, No More Headaches, Beyond the Masquerade, and Guilt-Free Motherhood. Juli and her husband, Mike, have been married for more than nineteen years.

Ready to Talk

  1. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 is the highest), how awkward does it feel to discuss sex at this point in your relationship? Why? What limits would you like to place on this discussion? What subjects from this chapter would you most like to talk about?
  2. The author shared about her honeymoon and how things didn’t necessarily go as planned. Take some time to talk about your expectations for your honeymoon and, specifically, the wedding night. After hearing what each of you are thinking and expecting, discuss what you could do to avoid misunderstandings, unrealistic expectations, and embarrassments —and how you’ll deal with things if and when they don’t go perfectly. We recommend seeking accountability or help from a mentor or counselor if you and your fiancé(e) are struggling with past sexual experiences, pornography, or current sexual activity. Or call Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY for one free counseling session and a referral to a Christian counselor in your area.
  3. After reading the chapter, which of the following statements do you most identify with?
    • “I want the wedding to get here faster.”
    • “I feel guilty because we’ve already gone too far sexually.”
    • “I’m afraid I’m going to make some really embarrassing mistakes.”
    • “I feel better because the author was so honest about her own marriage.”
    • Other ____________________________________

    This might be a good time to pray for each other, keeping your answers in mind.

Ready to Try

Remember what the first chapter of this book had to say about sex? Thriving couples “regard sex not as a chore or an obligation but as a delightful dance in which each spouse puts the other’s needs and interests ahead of his or her own” (see Philippians 2:4). To help you start thinking and talking about the need to put each other’s interests before your own (sexually and otherwise), try the following. Whether or not you’re planning to dance at your reception, sign up together for dance lessons, or if you don’t have an option like this, watch some instructional videos online. Have fun practicing your ideal “first dance.” Talk about how much better the dance works if you pay attention to your partner’s needs and responses. Consider pledging to take the same approach to your sexual relationship when you’re married.