CHAPTER 7

COMMUNICATION: THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

Joshua Straub, PhD

MY LOVELY WIFE, CHRISTI, is Canadian. So was our wedding.

If you’ve ever been to a Canadian wedding, you understand the reception north of the border tends to be more elaborate than its American counterpart —often full of skits, family speeches, dancing, and games that keep everybody laughing and crying, frequently at the same time.

In the months prior to the wedding, Christi’s mom put together a lifelong video of the two of us for our reception. As dinner ended, our attention turned to the video screen, where we saw footage of Christi at three years of age. It was an image I’ll never forget —this innocent, precious little girl sitting in the bathtub with her mom by her side. Christi was splashing water and singing without a care in the world, “And so I thank the Lord for giving me the things I need, the sun and the rain and the apple seed. The Lord is good to me” (the “Johnny Appleseed” song; otherwise known as “The Lord Is Good to Me”).

Only two weeks later, on the last night of our honeymoon in the romantic ambience of a dimly lit Mexican restaurant, we somehow found ourselves in the middle of the biggest argument of our relationship to date. As I sat across from Christi, defending my perspective, I noticed her eyes well up with tears. I knew at that moment our honeymoon was over.

Poor Communication Personified

As I tried my best to “fix” the situation and redeem the evening, I knew I was fighting a losing battle. Then, without warning and in the heat of the argument, I saw through Christi’s tears that precious video of her singing in the bathtub as a little girl. My defenses suddenly diminished. That innocent little girl was now my wife, and it was my duty to fight for her, not with her.

Christi and I settled the issue that evening, albeit temporarily. We came to realize over the next few months that our problem wasn’t conflict resolution but poor communication. Poor communication is when you hide your negative feelings from your future spouse or act out aggressively or defensively toward him or her.

The argument Christi and I had that evening was about my desire to continue leading a ministry she neither felt a part of nor felt was ours together. Never mind that Christi had already left her church family and community to get involved in mine. Now she was concerned (to say it nicely) that I wanted to continue leading a ministry (voluntarily) that would keep me away from her Friday nights and Sunday mornings. Her idea of doing ministry together looked different from mine. And I didn’t see it. So I did what any young, oblivious husband would do. I continued leading that ministry.

I was partially blinded by my own expectations, something we all must check at the premarital door. Before Christi and I were married, my ideal spouse was somebody who enjoyed doing ministry with me. I was too self-centered to admit these subconscious thoughts and realize it would involve doing ministry together, to include Christi’s passions as much as mine. Her heart was still back at her old church. Yet she sacrificed that to join me, despite believing that once we got married, I would step down and do something else that involved her, too.

The situation we encountered early in our marriage was eventually resolved, but not without a few months of unspoken expectations, hidden negative feelings, and defensive attitudes clouding our communication.

A Bittersweet Ending

No matter what the issue(s) —expectations about doing ministry together, relating to in-laws, raising children, or simply “administrating” the marriage —at some point, usually early in marriage, the honeymoon phase ends. Unfortunately, some marriages never recover after this blissful and naive love has been shattered.

In fact, John Gottman, one of the most renowned marital researchers over the past three decades, found that in 70 percent of “miserable marriages,” something happened that forced the relationship to shift in one direction or the other. Whether an affair or a decision to divorce forced the relationship in one direction, or a transformation of heart and commitment to do whatever it took to save the marriage forced it in the opposite direction, either way, change happened.[18]

To me, the most disturbing finding was that 30 percent of miserable marriages continued as sad, depressed relationships, primarily because couples clung to their deep religious beliefs that the marriage covenant must remain intact.[19] I find it sad that people stay in sad marriages. Don’t get me wrong; I believe in the sanctity of marriage. But I also believe in intentionally seeking to love, communicate, and dream with our spouses. If the latter isn’t happening, it’s time to make some changes.

Perhaps that’s why Solomon said, “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21). A miserable marriage is one in which communication carries a condescending tone or doesn’t happen at all.

The end of the honeymoon phase in a marriage is a very critical moment that can actually lead a couple toward deeper love and understanding. It’s an opportunity to move beyond the superficial naïveté of believing that God most assuredly designed you to be together because you both love spaghetti. Though your love for spaghetti may be what brought you together, it won’t keep you together.

Experiencing marriage as an everyday honeymoon isn’t an event; it’s a way of life. And it begins by speaking life into the life of your future spouse using proactive communication.

What Is Proactive Communication?

Simply put, proactive communication is when you intentionally seek to know your future spouse and to be known. First, it involves remaining intentional, each day, about understanding the underlying motivations of your fiancé(e) (knowing) as he or she communicates with you. Second, it means communicating in a manner that seeks to honor your fiancé(e)’s heart as you reveal your own desires (being known). This builds deeper trust in the relationship.

To experience an everyday honeymoon in marriage requires emotional safety on the part of both spouses. If you aren’t safe with each other, you won’t be able to communicate the deepest parts of who you are so that you can be known. Likewise, you won’t feel safe enough to have the confidence or wherewithal to know the heart of your spouse. The purpose of proactive communication —to know your future spouse and be known —requires safety.

When Christi and I went on our honeymoon, we packed our suitcases full of items intended to build our relationship. We included books on marriage. We packed clothes and accessories to go kayaking in the ocean, play tennis, go snorkeling, and do yoga. We packed for activities we loved doing together. Just like most couples in the honeymoon phase, we were proactive about connecting at a deeper level.

But for many couples, when the honeymoon phase ends, and expectations about the relationship haven’t been met, all too often they begin packing another suitcase.

Before we delve deeper into how proactive communication works, let’s first explore why and how communication changes in a marriage.

When the Honeymoon Ends

Couples stop communicating from the heart for a number of reasons. Yet one key factor is at the root of them all: intimacy. Psychologist David Burns defines intimacy as “the willingness to endure the negative feelings you get when you get close to another individual.”[20]

We aren’t willing to endure much angst in our culture today. The production of Tylenol and other over-the-counter painkillers is a thriving industry for one reason: Pain hurts. So do negative feelings. When my wife, Christi, says or does something that offends or hurts me, the hardest task is to talk about it.

As you prepare for marriage, it’s important to understand why communication breaks down and what you can do about it when it does. Following are the top five reasons for communication breakdowns in most marriages.

Reason No. 1: Gender Differences

The communication differences between men and women make it challenging from the very beginning. Perhaps you’ve seen the video clip titled It’s Not About the Nail.[21] The guy in the video tries to fix the issue (a literal nail stuck in the woman’s forehead); she just wants him to listen while she talks about the literal nail stuck in her forehead.

When it comes to communicating, consider the following gender differences:[22]

Men:

Women:

Reason No. 2: Busyness

I know this may sound crazy at this stage in your relationship, but busyness happens in marriage. In fact, some studies show that the average couple spends less than four minutes in meaningful conversation per day.[23] Consider that many young couples get married when both are finishing college or graduate degrees and are also working full-time jobs. This pattern of busyness and staying afloat sets the precedent for the marriage. Conversations are filled with such phrases as “Well, once we have kids, it will slow down,” or “Once I finish school, we can have more time together.”

But this type of thinking is naive. The patterns you set today will determine the trajectory of your relationship. If you’re not intentional now, busyness will be a great excuse to avoid talking about negative feelings (i.e., intimacy).

Reason No. 3: Business Meetings

A far more sinister reason for communication breakdown is that married couples can “administrate” their relationships almost to death. They can often get caught in a destructive pattern in which they spend their limited couple time talking about work, the budget, kids, chores, household responsibilities, schedules, to-do lists, and so on. Thus, conversations become very “transactional” —like doing business with each other. Certainly couples need to talk about managing the household, but they cannot allow “business meetings” to dominate their conversations.

The problem is that over time, couples become conditioned to avoid engaging in conversation with each other, since it’s not very fun or safe. Business meetings can often lead to arguments and negative feelings, and over time, couples become conditioned to believe that talking will inevitably lead to conflict and disconnection. Thus, they stop talking. Or worse, they get so self-focused and caught up in their own expectations that they begin to make negative comparisons.

My inability to hear Christi’s passion for ministry caused arguments during the first few months of our marriage. I started comparing myself to my friends, and I compared Christi negatively to my friends’ wives. When I saw how these wives loved doing ministry with their husbands, I wondered, Why doesn’t my wife love to do ministry with me?

Negative comparisons can range from seemingly harmless statements like “I wish my husband . . .” or “I wish my wife would have this or do this more” all the way to wishing a spouse was someone completely different. A lack of proactive communication can set us up for negative comparisons and a lack of intimacy.

Reason No. 4: External Stressors

Earlier in the book we read that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife” (Genesis 2:24, ESV). Sons in ancient Israel didn’t move away; they stayed close to home and inherited their fathers’ land. However, they “left” in the sense of putting their wives’ welfare before that of their parents. The kinship between a husband and wife creates obligations that override the duty to one’s parents.

In fact, when Jesus discussed marriage and divorce in Matthew 19, He used this passage in Genesis to emphasize that a husband and wife’s primary human priority is to each other. Why? Because it reflects their relationship to Jesus Himself.

Yet for many marriages, including my own, in-laws are often the cause of the biggest communication breakdowns. Take, for instance, a couple I recently counseled, whose wedding I officiated. He just graduated college and accepted a job four hours from her family. Needless to say, her parents, in a very subtle yet manipulative way, made sure to let him know of their displeasure for taking their little girl away from them. Those parents also nearly caused the wedding not to take place when they put doubts in their daughter’s mind about whether her fiancé was even the “right one.”

Add work pressures and school demands, in addition to kids later on, and the external stressors in a marriage can lead to exhaustion and a lack of desire to even want to connect.

Reason No. 5: Internal Stressors

My wife, Christi, gives a talk titled “Tomorrow Never Comes.” In it she describes the idea that all we have is today. When we think, I’ll deal with this tomorrow, we lie to ourselves and establish a pattern of pushing off what needs to be done on the only day we have —today.

Over time, disagreements and conflicts can add up in a relationship. Secret grudges and unmet expectations can cause couples to treat each other in unfair ways. The negative energy each feels coming from the other can cause them to distance themselves as well. Things may continue for a while without either spouse giving voice to what’s really going on in the relationship. But eventually they begin to stop being curious about the condition of each other’s hearts or what’s going on in one another’s lives. Simply put, they disconnect by putting off conversation about issues until tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes.

Getting Naked: Creating Emotional Safety

There are two proactive aspects of a honeymoon that can help us understand how to communicate effectively throughout marriage. The first concept is getting naked.

Let’s be honest, one of the most anticipated moments following the wedding is getting naked and consummating the marriage. However, what is often overlooked and yet is the glue that leads to great sexual intimacy is emotional nakedness, which is what I’m referring to in this chapter. Getting emotionally naked is one of the most freedom-giving and intimacy-building acts of marriage. But exposing our deepest feelings, dreams, and desires is also unbelievably vulnerable and can be quite scary.

Before we discuss the practical strategies for proactive communication, I want to restate the first part of the definition presented earlier: Proactive communication is when you intentionally seek to know your future spouse. More specifically, it involves remaining intentional, each day, about understanding the underlying motivations when he or she is communicating with you.

In the first part of John 15:15, Jesus said, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business” (emphasis added). You must not only make it a priority to understand your future spouse’s business, but you must also go one step further to understand the heart behind his or her business. This leads us to the Golden Communication Rule for getting naked (i.e., creating emotional safety).

The Golden Communication Rule

Every time the ministry situation came up in the months following our honeymoon, I did what any good husband was supposed to do —I listened to Christi. Yet as I stared at the proverbial nail in her forehead, I wanted so badly to help her realize her own unwillingness to be dutiful to the ministry I wanted her to be a part of. In doing so, I wasn’t paying attention to the nail in my own forehead. I was listening to my wife, but I wasn’t hearing her.

That unresolved argument the last night of our honeymoon led to countless disagreements in the first few months of our marriage. Yet it yielded one of the greatest lessons on communication that has since dramatically changed the depth of our relationship. In fact, I learned that the most romantic gesture I can offer Christi is simply asking about her day, how she’s feeling, and what’s going on in her heart and mind.

Good communication follows the Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated (see Matthew 7:12). But it goes a step further. Replace the word treat with the word understand: Understand others as you want to be understood. Or put another way, “In order to be understood, you first must understand.”

The problem for many of us is that we are unwilling to be vulnerable. And yet to communicate proactively as husband and wife requires it. In fact, in order to know your future spouse and seek the underlying motivation behind what is being communicated to you, you must be willing to commit to four decisions. These four decisions create the emotional safety required to engage in proactive communication.

1. Build intimacy. The decision to become more intimate with each other seems like a no-brainer. However, consider our previous definition: Intimacy is “the willingness to endure the negative feelings you get when you get close to another individual” (emphasis added). Getting close to someone inevitably creates negative feelings. Yet we live in a culture that says we have a right not to endure anything negative when it comes to romantic relationships. If you never disagree with your fiancé(e), it’s probably because one of you is compromising way too much in the relationship. The decision to build intimacy means you initiate and discuss issues with your future spouse before or as they arise, even if it’s difficult.

You may have heard it said that “conflict builds intimacy.” That’s because when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, each person walks away feeling understood.

2. Give up blame. To know your future spouse means you must be willing to give up blame when you’re accused. Let’s try something. Have you ever done something stupid in your life? Write down what you did. When you originally set out, was it your intention to do that stupid act? Of course not. Yet you did it.

Early in our dating relationship, I took Christi camping with my family along a river. We camped and fished for an entire weekend with no showers or access to running water or electricity. I didn’t realize how much she hated it until a few months later. My intention was to have a great weekend together so my family could get to know my girlfriend. Needless to say, trying to accomplish this worthy goal by sleeping along a riverbank with mosquitoes and no amenities wasn’t the brightest idea.

When your future spouse makes an accusation against you, there might be some truth to it. Take time to pray and ask God what the truth is instead of immediately jumping to your own defense. Not meeting him or her with defensiveness will defuse his or her negative feelings. You can validate your fiancé(e)’s feelings, even if your perspective is different.

In our posthoneymoon ministry debacle, I was blaming Christi for her unwillingness to remain faithful to the duty of this particular ministry. Yet, in doing so, I was unable to see or understand her underlying motivation for not wanting to join me. Because I blamed her.

3. Stop negative comparisons. I mentioned earlier the negative comparisons I made when I felt that Christi wasn’t living up to what I had envisioned for her. Whenever you compare your future spouse to others, you betray him or her.

4. Change the only person you can. When it comes to proactive communication, you’ll get nowhere trying to teach your future spouse how to communicate. The best decision you can make is to change the only person you can —you.

To know your future spouse means understanding the underlying motivation behind his or her communication and actions. I’ll never forget the plea of the young woman in marital distress who was sitting in my counseling office with her husband. Only a few years into the marriage, she exclaimed through her tears, “All I ever wanted is for somebody to love me.”

Too often, as it was with this young woman, our attempts to get others to love us are filled with avoidance, blame, negative comparisons (“Why can’t you be more like so and so?”), and trying to fix the other person. The ways married couples often try to build intimacy and feel loved may be sincere in motivation but sincerely wrong in approach.

The Golden Communication Rule —“In order to be understood you must first understand” —covers the first part of the definition of proactive communication (to know your future spouse). The second part of the definition involves the actual skills required for being known. Jesus said in John 15:15, “But I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (ESV, emphasis added). This is where you communicate with each other in a manner that seeks to honor your fiancé(e)’s heart (empathy) as you reveal your desires (expressing your feelings). This manner of communicating (respect) builds deeper trust in the relationship. (Many of the principles discussed in this section are communication strategies used in cognitive interpersonal therapy, developed by Dr. David Burns. For a more in-depth understanding of how to communicate using this approach, I highly recommend Dr. Burns’s book Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work.)

To communicate proactively in marriage, you’ll need to develop three essential skills.

1. Empathy. To communicate with empathy is to feel bad with somebody. To communicate with sympathy is to feel bad for somebody. Notice the difference. This is where knowing your future spouse is put into practice, because doing empathy is more than having empathy. You feel bad with your fiancé(e) by acknowledging what he or she feels and why. James instructs us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

I’ll never forget one particular couple who came to me. She was complaining about her husband’s consistent absence from family functions, and her perception was that he enjoyed being at work more than being at home. Her accusation and his response went something like this:

Wife: “You’d rather be at work than with us. You’re always missing our most important family moments.”

Husband: “I’m trying my best. To live in the home you want and to get to the next level in the company, I have to work late some nights. I don’t know how I can win here.”

His response was a defensive one. It was also competitive. He saw himself in a win-lose situation. Remember, when you’re being accused, even if you don’t agree with it, you can always validate your spouse’s experience or perspective. Validation can always calm the other person down. The more you ignore his or her feelings, the stronger those feelings get.

Here’s an empathetic response to the previous scenario:

Wife: “You’d rather be at work than with us. You’re always missing our most important family moments.”

Husband: “I know you’re frustrated (acknowledge the feeling) that I’m working more often lately, because you’d like me to be here to share family moments together with you (and why she feels that way).”

An empathetic response opens the conversation to discuss the feeling behind the action and the underlying motivation behind what your fiancé(e) desires.

2. Expressing your feelings. When your fiancé(e) feels understood, you can then begin to express your own emotions using “I feel” statements. This has to be done sensitively and with discernment; otherwise, it could be very easy to make your fiancé(e) feel attacked. Nonverbal communication, such as tone of voice and body language, makes up more than 90 percent of communication.

Examples of “I feel” statements include

Being known means you share what’s going on in your life. Be vulnerable. Volunteer information about your deepest thoughts, beliefs, feelings, dreams, hopes, and desires. Sharing creates closeness.

3. Respect. Communicating with respect means treating your future spouse with kindness and gentleness even when you may be irritated or angry. Respect is refusing to be mean and nasty even if your fiancé(e) is being mean and nasty.

Christi and I now catch each other being disrespectful and call each other out on it even in the middle of an argument. It’s been fun because we can now laugh about it when we consider what we just said. For instance, Christi recently accused me of always giving in to our son when he wants something. Though I admit there is some truth to it, I gently reminded her about the time I didn’t give him the electrical cord plugged into the wall to suck on. It was a humorous way for us to reconsider the word always in her accusation.

Black-and-white communication, using words like always and never or “I win and you lose,” isn’t good because it denotes a character flaw in your fiancé(e), not a time-and-place happenstance. Communicating in a respectful way means saying, “I feel __________ when . . .” For example:

Jesus warned, “Judge not, that you be not judged” (Matthew 7:1, ESV). To respect your future spouse means giving him or her the benefit of the doubt in each circumstance by not making judgmental character statements.

Items for Our Everyday Honeymoon Suitcase

Now that you’ve learned the key strategies of getting emotionally naked by knowing your future spouse and being known, we’ll move to the second proactive aspect of experiencing an everyday honeymoon: enjoying the bliss.

I recently went through our honeymoon pictures and found shots of my wife and me kissing each other and flashing our wedding bands around for others to see. We were like two kids in a candy store having a taste of our first chocolate bars. In fact, try this out for a date night sometime. Walk around town shouting, “Woo-hoo! Look at this (as you flash your wedding bands openly for all to see)! We’re married! This is awesome!”

How can you enjoy the everyday bliss you’ll experience during the honeymoon period? It starts with reverence. Let’s return to the honeymoon suitcase. What you pack in your suitcase every day will lead to a place where you will communicate well as a couple and feel safe with each other. The items you pack in your honeymoon suitcase —like the gear for kayaking and playing tennis —will build your marriage and set you up for everyday bliss.

In our wedding vows, Christi said, “You are my teammate.” I looked at her and declared, “I will fight for you and not with you.” Since our wedding day we have held an “us against the world” attitude in our marriage. We look out at the world and build prorelationship thoughts that foster emotional safety in our marriage and set the stage for everyday bliss. Because in my eyes, no woman in the world can measure up to Christi.

There’s a married couple at our church who enjoys everyday bliss better than any other couple I know. On Facebook, you can find pictures of their anniversary trip and the days-long birthday party she threw for her husband. All of her pictures on social media are tagged with the caption “My Mr. Wonderful.” No other man in the world can measure up to him in her eyes. That’s prorelationship thinking, and it prepares the everyday suitcase for the honeymoon items to be packed in it.

Write down the following three behaviors to pack each day in your honeymoon suitcase. Hang them on your refrigerator and, most important, practice them as you prepare for married life together.

1. Ask questions. Asking questions of your future spouse is an art that needs to be practiced. Start simple by just making it a daily routine to ask, “Honey, how was your day?” One question will lead to another question. Try to find out something new about your fiancé(e) every day. What is it that drives him or her? What does he or she love to do? What can you start doing together to make memories? Instead of going fishing on your own, how about taking her with you? Ask him to help you cook one day a week. Whatever it is, ask at least one question every day to inquire about your fiancé(e)’s heart and where he or she is emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and so on.

2. Give thanks. The second item you can pack in your everyday honeymoon suitcase is gratitude. I’m not just talking here about an attitude of gratitude or about feeling grateful. What I’m talking about is practicing gratitude by keeping gratitude journals or a gratitude jar, or maybe even developing gratitude rituals where you verbalize something you’re grateful for in your future spouse. If you practice gratitude now, while you’re engaged, it’ll be second nature by the time you’re married!

A few weeks ago, I was late getting home from work. I thought for sure I was going to be in trouble because Christi usually makes dinner while I take care of our two children. I rushed home, ran through the door, and began apologizing repetitively before Christi could react.

Then, in her own gentle way, and much to my surprise, she looked at me and said, “Josh, you don’t need to apologize. I’m just very grateful for your work ethic. Thank you for working so hard for our family.”

Say what!?

I’ll be honest. I wanted to get naked right then and there. When Christi expressed gratitude to me, it made me want to get home early. Why? Because it creates emotional safety. I can be vulnerable at home.

3. Embrace moments of joy. I believe one of the most tragic issues today is how our fast-paced culture is robbing us of experiencing joy. We miss joy when we wait for something extraordinary to happen. But real joy is different.

One research study recently looked at spouses who lost another spouse to death. Without exception, every participant mentioned something about a particular moment. Here are a couple of examples:

“If I could just walk back downstairs every morning and see my husband sitting, reading the newspaper, and drinking a cup of coffee . . .”

“My wife used to send me crazy text messages throughout the day. I would do anything to get one of those text messages again.”[24]

I have a joyful moment every time I walk into my son’s room in the still of the night, and he is lying there sleeping. There’s nothing like standing over a sleeping child and praying for him or her.

Don’t miss these moments of joy now or after you’re married. Be proactive about communicating these moments each day with your future spouse.

Early on in our marriage, Christi didn’t want to be a domesticated housewife. In fact, she was pretty adamant about it. Our premarital counselors worked with us on this issue and one night playfully brought up the idea that sex begins in the kitchen. My immediate response was a bit sarcastic, “Well, I have to get her there first.”

Now she loves to cook, and one of my most joyful moments is watching her. It’s become therapy for her. She plans meals and comes alive thinking up recipes and preparing meals for our family. I love that. I embrace those moments and share them with her.

Today, maybe your joyful moment was holding your fiancé(e)’s hand while walking in the mall. Perhaps it was simply watching him or her interact with somebody. Whatever the moment, verbalize it each day.

For your everyday honeymoon suitcase, ask at least one question of your spouse, verbalize one thing you’re grateful for each day about him or her, and proactively communicate the joyful moments you never want to forget.

Tomorrow Never Comes

We have 1,440 minutes each day, but how many of these minutes become moments? As Christi always reminds me, we only have today to communicate who we are and how we feel. And there should be no safer person for your fiancé(e) to share it with than you.

Choose to repurpose your minutes into moments by practicing proactive, life-giving communication as you seek to know your future spouse and be known.

JOSHUA STRAUB is the president and cofounder of the Connextion Group, a company designed to build relational connections between generations. Josh speaks and writes on the two key ingredients necessary for building healthy families: intentional parenting and a loving marriage. In addition to being a family-and-relationship coach, Josh is also the coauthor of God Attachment and The Quick-Reference Guide to Counseling Teenagers. He serves on the teaching team at Woodland Hills Family Church. He wakes up each day striving to love others better, starting with his wife, Christi, and their two children, Landon and Kennedy.

Ready to Talk

  1. The author of this chapter writes about the moment when he knew “our honeymoon was over.” What happened next? Which of the following lessons do you see in his experience? How could they help when you feel your honeymoon is over?
    • Honeymoons don’t last forever, so don’t panic.
    • Poor communication is often the root of marital conflicts.
    • Generally speaking, you should be fighting for your spouse, not with him or her.
    • The end of the honeymoon can lead to deeper love and understanding.
    • Other _________________________________
  2. The author talks about three essential skills needed to communicate proactively: empathy, expressing your feelings, and respect. What skill is easiest for each of you right now? Which one is most difficult? Which skill do you see is strongest within your relationship? Talk about some ways you can both build on your strengths and grow where needed.
  3. What are some things you plan to pack in your literal honeymoon suitcase? After reading this chapter, what communication tips will you pack in your symbolic everyday honeymoon suitcase?

Ready to Try

Sometimes it’s easier to communicate when you’re together, involved in a not-too-demanding task and not quite face-to-face. Cooking is a good example. Get a recipe from an in-law-to-be, Pinterest, or your favorite celebrity chef or food show. Then work together in the kitchen creating something new. It’s a fun way to connect, and it can spark conversations about dinner traditions, favorite meals, and so on. Talk about your family dining experiences. Did you have dinner together often? Did family members fend for themselves? What did you like or dislike about those habits? What mealtime traditions would you like to have once you’re wed?