INTRODUCTION

Dr. Greg Smalley and Erin Smalley

PLANNING FOR “THE DAY” or for a lifetime?

This question was written with big cursive lettering on a booth display that Erin and I (Greg) used at bridal fairs to advertise our premarital seminars. It was always so much fun to watch not only the prospective brides but also their mothers walk by and testify in their most sassy voices, “Mm-hmm!”

You see, rarely did we get any brides to stop at our booth. Each bride was so busy planning for her special day —the dress, the cake, the venue, the photographer, the honeymoon —she hardly gave much thought to planning for her future marriage. Sadly, only about 35 to 40 percent of engaged couples will receive quality premarital education.[1] And by quality, we mean at least eight to ten hours of instruction from someone who has been equipped to do so. This is so unfortunate because the premarital research is so strong. Note these remarkable statistics:

The moms who were walking around with their daughters at the bridal fair understood this, and that’s why the majority of the tickets we sold were to the mothers as gifts to their daughters and future sons-in-law.

But you’re different! We’re certain you’re also thinking of your future with your fiancé(e) —especially since you are reading this book. That’s why we’re thrilled that in the midst of all you have going on, you’re also spending time working on your relationship. It’s so exciting that you’re taking time to participate in Focus on the Family’s Ready to Wed experience. Our desire is to help you grow a strong marriage relationship that will last a lifetime.

Growing a Strong Marriage

Over the years, I (Greg) have been blessed to officiate at several wedding ceremonies. But I’ll never forget my first. Erin and I did premarital counseling with this one couple during their engagement period. As I thought about what I would say to them during the ceremony, I decided that I wanted to give them a creative picture of how to build a strong marriage relationship. I had sat through one too many wedding ceremonies where I could barely keep my eyes open during the teaching portion. So I developed what I thought was a powerful analogy of a strong marriage, using the bride’s wedding bouquet. The key point I wanted to make was that it takes time and care to mature seeds (where their marriage was starting out) into a beautiful bouquet (a strong marriage). I thought I was so clever!

To construct my “amazing” analogy, I needed to know the types of flowers the bride had chosen for her bridal bouquet. After asking around, I discovered that she would be carrying calla lilies. So I went out in search of a packet of seeds to present to this young, anxious couple during my teaching, only to find out that calla lilies grow from bulbs. Good to know! Since bulbs obviously weren’t going to work, I bought generic flower seeds instead and planned on telling the couple that they represented the bride’s beautiful bouquet.

So there we were. A beautiful Missouri summer day —hot and humid but very pretty. The bride and groom were anxious with anticipation as they finally reached the day they were to become man and wife. The sanctuary was packed with their special guests, and my precious wife and kids were in the audience both to witness the union and to support me while I officiated.

I began the ceremony by holding up the bride’s beautiful wedding bouquet. The audience let out several oohs and aahs as I explained that this bouquet was an image of the couple’s ideal relationship —the marriage they’d always dreamed of. I then held up the package of seeds for the bride and groom to hold, clarifying that this was where their marriage was starting. I wanted them to understand that it would take time and effort to “mature” their relationship from a package of seeds to a bouquet of beautiful flowers. Then I went on to explain that the key was to use the right nutrients and care to begin growing their relationship seeds.

I was on a roll, and everything was going perfectly until I came to the last point of my brilliant analogy. I had already laid the groundwork for growing the seeds using water, sunshine, and proper pruning, and I related each of these aspects to a particular relationship skill (communication, spiritual connection, and conflict management). However, because I don’t have a green thumb, and I know virtually nothing about growing flowers, I quickly ran out of gardening analogies to use for my last relationship point: spending time together. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think of was fertilizer.

I was almost done and was feeling rather proud of myself. But for some reason, the mood of the audience changed suddenly when I said, “Much like fertilizer helps calla lilies grow strong and healthy, if you want a strong marriage, you need to spend at least twenty minutes each day fertilizing each other.”

The crowd broke out into roaring laughter. I had no idea why they were all laughing, so I looked at my wife, Erin —you know, my “helpmate” —for some type of clue, but she, too, had tears streaming down her face from laughing so hard. As I tried to recover by rambling on about something else, the groom leaned in and said, “If you would finish your point, I could get on with fertilizing my bride!”

I about died. I had never thought about my words from that perspective and very quickly learned why everyone was laughing at me. I did accomplish what I set out to do, though: No one was bored. And I made a point about the importance of spending time together (or fertilizing) that will never be forgotten!

Now back to you and your relationship with your future spouse. Like the couple in my illustration, you are starting out your marriage as a packet of seeds. As you picture your wedding bouquet, realize that growing your relationship will also take time, effort, and some important skills and tools that you’ll learn throughout this book.

We’ve assembled an amazing lineup of marriage experts to help you grow the seeds of your relationship. We hope the time and effort you put into this experience will sprout your marriage and the advice you find in this book will act like Miracle-Gro in your relationship. We’re confident that once you complete the Ready to Wed experience, your relationship will grow twice as big and will bloom with more vibrant colors!

So here are four steps to help you make the most out of the Ready to Wed experience and grow a marriage more beautiful than your wedding:

Step 1: Take the Couple Checkup. This is the best online relationship assessment available. By taking the Couple Checkup, you’ll identify your unique relationship strengths and potential growth areas. The assessment is organized to match the chapter themes in the book, so it’s a wonderful companion experience, and the results will help you focus on what’s most necessary for your relationship. Refer to appendix A for more information on why this assessment is such an important part of your premarital training. Go to www.FocusOnTheFamily.com/ReadyToWed to take the assessment and receive your customized report.

Step 2: Find a mentor couple. You and your fiancé(e) will gain so much by reading this book together; however, we highly recommend that you go through Ready to Wed with a mentor couple as well. A mentor couple is a relatively happy (but not perfect), more experienced couple who will help you successfully navigate your journey to the altar and thrive during your first year of marriage. This is exactly why King Solomon wrote, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14, ESV). Go to www.FocusOnTheFamily.com/ReadyToWed for some ideas and tips on how to find a mentor couple.

Step 3: Complete the discussion questions. Be sure to answer the discussion questions and complete the activity points at the end of every chapter. These activities are designed to help you apply the key concepts you’ll read throughout the book.

Step 4: Use the Ready to Wed app. This companion app provides the opportunity to have some fun with each other as you walk through your engagement journey. You’ll find helpful questions to ask each other, games, quizzes, videos, Q&As, and other insights to strengthen your relationship while you’re preparing for a marriage you’ll love. Go to www.FocusOnTheFamily.com/ReadyToWed to download the app.

We applaud you for taking the time to prepare for the journey of marriage. We know that you have a lot on your plate right now as you plan for your wedding. What an amazing day that’s going to be! But remember, your wedding is only one day; your relationship will last a lifetime. Thus, we strongly encourage you to avoid rushing through this experience —like one more thing to cross off your prewedding checklist. Take your time. Try to read only one chapter per week so that you have plenty of time to discuss these important topics and work through the discussion questions and activities together. Savor these moments of discussion.

Dig deep as you share with each other. Be real and honest and vulnerable with each other and your mentor couple. And get ready to experience love and commitment on a whole new level. If you happen to come across topics or issues that seem to cause concern or red flags, enlist the help of a pastor or counselor. You can call Focus on the Family at any time using our toll-free number (1-800-A-FAMILY). We have licensed counselors standing by who can help or can give you a referral for a counselor in your area. This is a free service, so don’t hesitate to call us. The time you spend now preparing for your marriage will pay out dividends in the long run.

But before we jump into talking about skills and tools, we need to lay the proper foundation. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” We believe that the first step in your journey toward the marital relationship you’ve always dreamed of is to understand God’s true design for marriage.