In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
— ALBERT SCHWEITZER
Greg, a firefighter, had just finished up a three-day shift, returning from his second dead-baby call in less than twenty-four hours. Today’s call involved the suffocation of an eight-month-old baby girl. The previous call involved the death of a five-month old boy as a result of sudden infant death syndrome.
Over his eight-year career, Greg had grown accustomed to death and tragedy, so much so that he was numb, rarely feeling much anymore, either at work or at home. Every medical-assistance run caused him to become more disconnected and distant, no longer the man that his wife had once been so proud of. Now she didn’t even recognize this shell of the man she had once known. Just about the only feeling Greg had anymore was the foreboding he felt when driving home each night.
Alicia, Greg’s wife of nine years, had given up. She was tired of being married to a man who was physically present but who wore a blank stare as if he were a million miles away. She didn’t understand how Greg could use his favorite chair as a pacifier, why he never wanted to make any decisions, and why he never wanted to go anywhere or do anything fun anymore. She thought she had tried everything, including trying to get him to talk, nagging him, yelling at him, not talking to him, getting angry at him, being more sexual, withholding sex, and pleading with him. The more she pushed, the more he pulled away.
Alicia was frustrated at what their once-good marriage had become. She felt frightened, lonely, and helpless. Meanwhile, coming home, Greg drove more slowly than usual, relishing the last few minutes of peace he had before walking inside the house and being immediately barraged with questions, demands, and angry remarks, facing a now-unsympathetic life partner. Neither one of them had ever realized that the insidious nature of a first responder’s career could easily change a loved one into someone you no longer recognized.
Inside, Greg felt just as helpless as Alicia. He didn’t know how he had become so calloused and distant, or just how bad the state of his marriage had become. On this night, Alicia sat resolutely at the kitchen table, waiting for him to come home so she could tell him she wanted a divorce.…
The most-often overlooked pillar of support for emergency first responders is the most essential — support from home. Without understanding and care from partners and family, emotional-survival support at work is ineffectual. Unfortunately, life partners of emergency first responders receive no training at all regarding how to care for a spouse who has devoted his or her life to serving others.
All intimate relationships have their difficulties; living with an emergency first responder is particularly difficult and offers a unique set of challenges. However, when life partners become aware of the special needs of their first responders — how they can most effectively address the emotional and spiritual wellness of their first responders — life at home can be far more peaceful and fulfilling. By learning how to nurture their first-responder spouses, they can become hidden partners in achieving overall wellness and emotional survival. Unfortunately, most first responders do just the opposite: they try not to involve their partners in their work. They want to shield the ones they love from the uglier side of the job.
It’s important for you as a first responder to realize how invaluable support and understanding from home is to your wellness and emotional survival. Spouses do not need to know every last detail of the traumas their mates experience, but they must be allowed to care for and support them in their own way. Most spouses really don’t want to hear the worst, but they definitely want to know that their mates are all right. Instead of building an emotional wall or pushing spouses away, first responders need to learn how to emotionally embrace their partners in life and make them the most important aspect of their lives.
One of the best books on supporting a life partner in an emergency-first-responder profession is I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need to Know, by Ellen Kirschman. This book discusses the benefits and emotional dangers of police work, which correspond to those of any other first-responder profession. It describes how to manage the effects of trauma and acute stress, as well as the pressures of unpredictable schedules, long hours, and loneliness. Kirschman also provides an overview of the emotional, physical, and behavioral warning signs that can lead to PTSD, alcoholism, suicide, depression, and other emotional problems that spouses can be on the watch for.
As we discussed in chapter 3, female emergency first responders are particularly vulnerable to emotional and physical problems because a wife and mother is rarely ever allowed time alone to decompress from the hypervigilance roller coaster. Spouses of female emergency first responders need to realize the critical importance of allowing their life partners time to unwind after coming home. Without an opportunity to relax in the way that she chooses, even for a short period, the physiological and emotional turmoil that a female emergency first responder experiences are dramatically heightened — far beyond that of their male counterparts.
One of the most beneficial resources for spouses of first responders are spouse support groups. San Diego County has such a group, called San Diego Law Enforcement Officer Wives. This interactive support group of law-enforcement wives, girlfriends, and partners offers training, support, and resources to the partners of those in law enforcement. Similar support groups are just as vital in all the other first-responder professions.
There are several such spouse support groups, including the following:
• San Diego Law Enforcement Officer Wives, www.sdleowives.org
• Los Angeles Police Department Wives, www.lapdwives.org
• Hidden Partners, www.hiddenpartners.org (this site discusses how to establish a support group and ways to keep it active)
• Santa Barbara County Law Enforcement Officer Wives, www.sbleowives.org
• National Police Wives Association, www.nationalpolicewivesassociation.org
• Firefighters’ wives support group, cl-tina.startingagainivil.tripod.com/support.html
• Operation Homefront, a military-home support group, www.operationhomefront.net
• Military Wives, a military-spouse support network, www.militarywives.com
• Military SOS, a support network for significant others, www.militarysos.com
• Police, fire, and EMS wives chat group, http://forums.qa.den1.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/love-marriage/police-fire-and-ems-wives/police-fire-and-ems-wives-chat
I interviewed several spouses who are members of the San Diego Law Enforcement Officer Wives support group about the resources, benefits, and help available to life partners of those in law enforcement. I also asked them how spouses can best support and care for their first-responder mates. Their insightful advice is extremely useful and just as applicable to the life partners of people in any other first-responder profession, male or female. I’ve incorporated their multiple replies into the following sections.
“Create a stress-free home. Be positive, keep your spouse centered, and enjoy each other. Be understanding. Listen to his needs, without forgetting your own.”
“It’s crucial that you learn to read your law-enforcement spouse and know when he needs to talk and when he just needs time to be alone and process what he’s feeling. Understand that sometimes distance is necessary and that this need is not personal. When our mates are quiet or a little distant, it isn’t always about us. Most of the time they are trying to come to terms with issues on their own before they bring them to us. Giving them the time they need without feeling resentful is difficult but necessary. Recognize when your partner needs to talk, and make sure you are there for him when that time comes. It is valuable to learn to put your law-enforcement spouse’s needs before your own.”
“Complaining or trying to force your spouse to talk will ruin your marriage. Our spouses have chosen a life of service, and we need to step up, to be strong, independent women who can lead our families. Complaining about the way things are will not change them; it will only make things worse.”
“Remember that spending time with your spouse is precious; value it and make the most of it. Do not spend your precious time together complaining that he is never home and that you always have to do things alone. He knows that, and it hurts him as well. Police officers see many terrible things in the course of doing their work. They want and need to be able to come home to a safe, peaceful, and loving home. If they know that at the end of their shift they will be greeted with complaints and arguments, they will likely choose to go elsewhere.”
“Keep the lines of communication open without prying or nagging. Try to be patient. Your mate needs some downtime when he comes home so he can recharge, release the day, and tune in to being at home as a father and husband.”
“Let your spouse know that you are always there for him whenever he needs you or wants to talk. Be there as a positive, understanding, and loving spouse who helps keep him well. You are an essential silent partner who aids in his emotional survival and ability to process what he experiences at work. Remember that your spouse needs to be focused at work; his life and the safety of others depend on that. Don’t get into arguments on the phone or discuss home issues because you need to talk about them. Your partner needs to remain focused at work to be safe.”
“The life of a police wife is a constant roller coaster of emotion. Between shift work, overtime, court cases, the stress, and the critical incidents, life always seems to be changing. There is a lot more to being a police wife than spending nights and holidays alone. Remember that your mate would much rather be at home with you; the separation hurts both of you.”
“Go on a ride-along to get a better understanding of what your spouse faces each day. You’ll find that the second he puts on his uniform, he becomes more alert and more serious, begins multitasking, and becomes an energized decision maker. After ten to twelve hours of this, he may come home tired, remote, and grumpy, wanting to be left alone and not make any decisions. If your police spouse is doing something unacceptable to you, let him know what it is and how he may be changing. He may not be aware of it. Allow him to have some downtime when he comes home; he needs it.”
“Right after an incident, you support him by focusing on him. Critical incidents are traumatic for both spouses, but being able to suppress your fears and lend support will help your mate get through the experience and know he can depend on you. When wives panic during these incidents, husbands tend to keep things from them, which creates distance in the relationship.”
“Many officers want to protect and shelter their spouses from incidents in order to prevent any unnecessary worry. However, this builds barriers, and marriages slowly break apart as a result. Be the strong person that your spouse can depend on. Be the one he knows can handle anything. At work, he has to be able to handle anything; at home you can provide him with a place where he knows someone else will take care of him without judging him, condemning him, or pressuring him to change.”
“Long-term support means remembering the incident and its impact on him. Over time the papers will no longer publish stories about the incident; the lawsuit, if there is one, will subside; and coworkers will forget the incident ever happened. But your spouse will think about it every day, every time he puts on his uniform. That critical incident becomes a part of who he is, and he will forever be changed in some way by that incident.”
“Never imply he should have already put something behind him. Some traumas may never go away; often, officers don’t know how to place a traumatic event into proper perspective. That’s why it is so important for the spouse to be patient, compassionate, empathetic, and understanding.”
“Yes, communication is important. If a spouse is changing, it is a wife’s responsibility to bring it to his attention. There may be something going on that your mate has not mentioned. Be sensitive to the situation. Be honest and choose a good time and place. Make sure that you are not accusing or complaining but being supportive. If things get out of hand, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Many law-enforcement families feel ashamed to admit that they are struggling; they don’t want to show what others might perceive as weakness. This is something that needs to change, so that we support each other instead of judging each other.”
“Sometimes it’s important to allow your law-enforcement mate to reach a conclusion himself. For example, I will ask something like ‘When’s the last time you saw or spoke with…?’ and add the name of a friend who’s not a police officer. That way it doesn’t come across as being negative, and he will come to his own conclusion that it has been a long time. I will then agree with him and reinforce the thought with a positive memory of that friendship, adding that I miss spending time with that person. Demanding that your mate stop changing or that he go back to ‘what he used to be’ closes all lines of communication.”
“If the change happens to be destructive, you have to be straightforward and say it like it is. In that scenario, be blunt and direct, and do not enable the destructive or inappropriate behavior to continue. Yes, your mate’s job is terribly stressful and daunting, but that clearly does not give him a pass to treat you disrespectfully.”
“Remember that only you can make yourself happy. You are responsible for your own happiness, especially in a law-enforcement marriage. So many times in your marriage you will be stood up, let down, or disappointed, and none of these incidents will be personal or intentional. That’s just the nature of your mate’s profession. Try to always focus on the positive — the good things, rather than the bad.”
“I highly recommend joining a spouse support group or starting one of your own. I also recommend reading Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement, by Kevin Gilmartin, and I Love a Cop, by Ellen Kirschman.”
“Confidence and independence are important qualities in any healthy individual and will serve you well as the spouse of an officer. It will be very difficult for you if you feel like you always have to be at your mate’s side and you need his approval for things. It is important to find a passion or a hobby and to keep yourself busy. And it’s important to go to events and get together with family and friends alone, rather than not going at all.”
“Having a spouse support group can save marriages. Many police wives rely on friends, family, and church for support to deal with the absence of their mates. However, as helpful as these resources can be, they can never offer the same kind of support and understanding that a spouse support group offers. It is invaluable to be able to talk with people who are in the same situation, who experience the same frustrations and issues as you do — those who know what it is like to have to celebrate Christmas on December 27 or Mother’s Day on a Tuesday.”
“Having such a spouse support group allows us to share experiences and ideas that help us understand and grow as wives, mothers, and women. It helps us to know that we are not alone and that it can be done. We motivate each other to work hard and to support our life partners. The group also gives us an avenue to vent, allowing us to get our feelings of frustration out without burdening our husbands and causing unnecessary tension in our marriages and families.”
“Establishing a spouse support group starts with a group of people who have a common goal. The word can be spread through word of mouth by peers, police officer associations, and the police administration. Support groups can stay connected through social networks, such as a private Facebook page, email, and monthly events and meetings. Meeting regularly is important so that you stay connected and provide support to all members. Find similar groups online and reach out to them. They can answer most of your questions and assist your group in getting established.”
“Once you have established a core group of members, decide what you want to accomplish and how. You can assign specific tasks within the group, such as establishing a website, liaising with police departments in the area, and setting up a group of mentor spouses who are available through email to help with personal issues that are to be kept confidential. There may also be an assigned crisis coordinator who provides information to the main group when critical incidents occur, so that the group can avoid getting false reports from media sources. Other assignments may include coordinating training events and gathering resources for the group, as well as coordinating social events and gatherings.”
A supportive partner is something precious; it is your responsibility as a first responder to do everything possible to stay connected and engaged with your spouse. This includes never taking them for granted, never forgetting how difficult it is for them to be married to an emergency first responder. Your marriage is not all about you and what you need because of your profession; it is mostly about being loving and supportive so that your partner will, in turn, be there for you.
Life partners of first responders often develop fears and debilitating anxieties that can lead to acute stress and even PTSD symptoms. Emotional pain from fear can imperil a spouse’s ability to care for and support their mate and even to function.
When first responders experience trauma, their spouses may develop their own stress symptoms, including sleeplessness, severe anxieties and fears, grief, poor concentration, uncontrollable crying, serious separation anxiety, excessive thinking, hypervigilance, extreme mood swings, the sense of having no control over circumstances, the feeling of being on an emotional roller coaster, or a sense of impending misfortune. Spouses tend to suppress such feelings, not wanting to worry their first-responder mates. Hiding their own emotional pain can lead to spouses developing much more serious secondary PTSD symptoms.
The principles illustrated throughout this book are just as effective for the life partners of those first responders who have undergone critical incidents or who are suffering from the acute stress and trauma of the job. Applying the principles in this book to protect, nurture, and sustain their own spirits can be very helpful for spouses. It is essential that life partners of first responders do not neglect themselves, and that they work to sustain and nurture their own spirits. Often spouses try to be strong and independent as they selflessly support and care for their first-responder partners. They don’t want to do anything that may upset or worry their mates. But in so doing they can lose sight of their own needs and can find themselves suffering inside. Spouses cannot best support their mates if they neglect themselves and are suffering in silence.
It is essential for spouses to find those moments when they can share their emotions and fears with their first-responder mates. And it’s important for first responders to hear what their spouses are going through, so that they don’t overlook how their jobs affect their families. Talking with a therapist trained in trauma or to a spouse support group is also extremely helpful for spouses. It’s important for spouses to learn that their fears, anxieties, and emotional pain are not unique to them, and they can learn from others who have developed effective coping mechanisms.
In what ways do you enhance, strengthen, and support your marriage (or other life-partnership)? What do you say or do that is negative and potentially harmful to this relationship?
This is a serious question that both you and your mate should periodically ask yourselves in order to do everything you can to strengthen and enhance your relationship. It’s vital to be aware of what you are doing, or are not doing, and ways you can improve. Otherwise, you will likely find yourself wearing blinders, not knowing or understanding how your work harms your most important relationship.
How can you more effectively allow your life partner to be the pillar of support who will help nurture and sustain you?
Our life partners need to feel a part of our life, work, and wellness. Tell them what is helpful to you, but allow them to care for and support you in their own unique way. Let them know when you are dealing with something inside. They don’t need to know the details, but they do need and deserve to know how you are and what they can do for you. Share with them, and express yourself to them, so they can help nurture you.