Prolonged exposure to violence, trauma, death, and suffering can scar a first responder’s spirit and take a terrible toll; substance abuse, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, emotional suffering, suicide, and lost careers plague these honored professions. The effects of the invisible wounds of the job ripple outward, and the wear and tear affect not just the first responders themselves but also their friends, family, colleagues, and the community they are devoted to protecting. Their spirits can suffer a death by a thousand cuts, each traumatic incident causing the soul to bleed a little more. The lack of sufficient wellness training and training in emotional survival for these emergency first responders has become a critical issue for all of us.
Losing a first responder to emotional and psychological trauma should never be a side effect of the job. There are proven, effective methods that nurture and, in a sense, bulletproof the first responder’s spirit. This book offers essential principles for emotional survival — and hope.
Early in my police career, I recognized the critical need for training in emotional survival and realized that the job was slowly poisoning my spirit. This sudden realization came while I was celebrating my stepdaughter’s eighth birthday with a party at the house. Children of all ages raced around our yard, laughing and screaming over the music blasting from outside speakers. My wife supervised the bouncy house while one of our neighbors manned the grill, turning out dozens of hot dogs and hamburgers for the partygoers. An elaborate pink princess cake topped with eight candles sat in the very center of a picnic table, next to a stack of gifts.
Everyone in attendance appeared to be having a wonderful time, except for me. I sat in a lawn chair watching the festivities with what I knew must be a cold, distant look in my eyes. I was surrounded by family and longtime friends, many of them fellow officers. Yet I did not feel like part of the scene or connected to anyone. I wasn’t happy or sad, just indifferent to everything and everyone. I didn’t want or feel much of anything and hadn’t for quite some time. I simply didn’t care about anything anymore. Inside, I felt nothing at all.
I smiled and cheered along with the others as I watched my stepdaughter make a wish, blow out the candles on her cake, and open her presents; but the gestures were empty. And then it hit me: I had seen this cold distance before in many of my colleagues during my seven years on the job. I knew where this road led, and it was never somewhere good. I had achieved my life’s dream when I became a police officer. From day one, I’d put my whole heart and soul into my work. When had I started to lose my spirit? Would I become another casualty of the job?
From the time I was just a kid I wanted a job where I could make a difference and positively affect people’s lives. I wanted to help people, every single day. I wanted to protect life and serve others. In high school, I set my sights on becoming a police officer.
After graduating from San Diego State with a criminal justice degree, I was hired by the La Mesa Police Department, and I loved it. After three years I became a detective. The idea of hunting down those who perpetuate evil and cause so much suffering, and bringing them to justice, gave my life purpose. Every time a criminal was put behind bars, I had the satisfaction of knowing that I had removed a dangerous threat and was saving dozens of people from being victimized.
I could not have been more passionate about the work and the job. But a steady barrage of senseless violence slowly, inexorably began to take its toll. The nature of police work was depleting my spirit. The innocent kid who once dreamed of becoming a police officer had turned into a hardened and emotionally numb adult. I learned firsthand just how insidious the adverse effects of the job could be as I turned into someone my loved ones no longer recognized. I felt helpless to stop what was happening; I had no training in how to survive emotionally and maintain wellness. Every day, I slipped a bit further into a fate that is far too common for first responders.
Throughout my career I’ve watched as tragedies involved first-responder colleagues. Police departments and other first-responder agencies hire good people, which makes it even more disturbing when officers turn bad, self-destruct, and even kill themselves. What causes a police officer to become dishonest or a thief, or to sexually assault somebody on duty? What makes them throw away their family and career to drink themselves nearly to death? Or stick their own gun in their mouth to end their suffering? These men and women weren’t hired because they demonstrated criminal or self-destructive tendencies; it was just the opposite. Tragically, what they experience while doing the job can cause irreparable harm to their spirits. Without proper emotional-survival training, the first responder’s job can destroy lives.
None of these heroes who sacrifice a part of themselves for others go from loving their job to waking up one day helplessly lost. It’s a slow and gradual process, one I wasn’t even aware was happening to me until that moment at the birthday party. The realization that I could no longer feel hit me like a thunderbolt. That was just the first of many hard realizations. I also had to acknowledge that solving the murder case that had been all-consuming for the preceding four years really wasn’t the answer to everything. I had lost touch with my family and with all the other things that brought balance and sustenance to my life. I’d spent too much time hunting predators and suffering with my victims. It had been months since I’d done the things I loved, like hiking or swimming in the ocean. What it all added up to was that I had lost my inner self and my spirit was suffering.
It was time to take positive action to pull myself out of the hole before it was too late. I had to get back in touch with the things I loved, that made my spirit come alive. I needed to do all the things that tend to fall by the wayside once you become a first responder, or I would become a victim of my beloved profession. And make no mistake about it: being a first responder is not your typical job. You have to make an exhaustive and consistent effort to keep the job from overwhelming you.
I desperately didn’t want to end up like other officers I had seen, some of whose stories you will read in this book. I would eventually become no good to anyone if I didn’t learn how to protect my spirit and survive emotionally. There are so many walking-wounded colleagues out there, desperately needing help and slogging along with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or major depression, struggling to make it through each day, helpless and hopeless, feeling they can’t ask for help. They become more and more miserable, cynical, and bitter while thinking everyone else is a criminal. Somehow, over the years, they have lost all connection with their spouses and kids, who seem like strangers. Worst of all, they truly believe that no one understands them, and so they lose hope.
There are practical, effective methods to help first responders survive emotionally and to heal their spirits. It is no longer inevitable that these careers will lead to broken lives and irreparable harm. There is absolutely no reason why police officers, as well as firefighters, career military officers, and all other first responders, cannot thrive and be well throughout their careers and retire from a lifetime of noble service with a vibrant mind, body, and spirit. They deserve to enjoy their careers and the rest of their lives in peace, happiness, and good health. They should be able to look back on their careers with pride while looking forward to savoring all the good that’s still to come.
I’ve now been a police officer for twenty-five years. And today I bring the passion and excitement I have always had for my work and am channeling it toward the critical cause of promoting emotional wellness for first responders. The hazards of the first-responder professions are so many: drugs, alcohol, gambling, depression, PTSD, suicide, emotional illness, broken families. And the resulting harm throughout our communities is a tragic, preventable waste and a shame.
To me there are no better, more fulfilling, or more honorable jobs than those of first responders, for they protect and give life to others. The sacrifices and work of emergency first responders are the only things preventing our society from becoming overrun with evil, cruelty, and oppression. It is essential for first responders to learn how to bulletproof their spirits so that they can most effectively protect the rest of us.