“Down and Out in London”

 

April 2003

LONDON, England

 

I’ll never forget the time I ate oysters in London with Gordon Ramsay. It started out great. A night in a fantastic hotel with just me, Gordon, and five dozen bivalves on a king-size bed of crushed ice. It was beautiful, or so I thought.

“Fetch me a little of that mignonette, love?” Gordon purred as he lounged on the bed, naked.

I was so stoned on tangerine zest that I went and put a teaspoonful right on top of his “bangers and mash.” Gordon grabbed my arm by the wrist and shouted at me.

“Bollocks! Not there, you fucking nitwit! Jesus fuuuuucking Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking idiot?!”

It was insulting—and he was extremely obnoxious—but the swearing also kind of turned me on. I could see why he was so successful on TV. Brazenly, I went and squeezed some lemon on him, too.

“Fuck this! Are you fucking kidding me?!” he shot back.

He jumped up from the bed and toweled off. “What the fuck do you think you are fucking doing?! The mignonette goes on the fucking oysters, not on me! The lemon is supposed to be squeezed over the fucking oysters! Oh, fuck it all!”

“OK, OK, Gordon. Why don’t you just smoke some zest and chill the fuck out.”

“You know what? You have a serious fucking problem. You’re a fucking zest addict.” And he was right. After all these years, maybe I had smoked too much. Gordon put on a robe and went to the door, where he whispered to someone on the other side.

“Who’s there?” I asked.

“Just some friends.”

It sounded like a chorus.

 

And then, into the hotel room walked some of the world’s top chefs and food personalities: Tom Colicchio, Mario Batali, Thomas Keller, Joël Robuchon, Pierre Hermé, Jacques Pépin, Alice Waters (hate her!), Wolfgang Puck, and Bobby Flay.

“We’re here for you, Ruth,” they said in unison.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked.

“This is an intervention,” said Thomas Keller. “Listen. You’ve been smoking way too much tangerine zest. You’re really starting to lose your perspective. Look, Gordon just told me you tried to put mignonette on his, um, manhood. Now, you know that’s just a waste of good mignonette, Ruth.” Gordon nodded in agreement.

“You need to get off the zest and get back into cuisine,” said Tom Colicchio, who proceeded to take my Microplane zester from the nightstand and bend it with his bare hands until it was in the shape of the letter u and completely unusable.

“Noooooooooooooo!” I cried, shrieking.

But maybe they were right, I thought to myself. Smoking a little zest was OK, but maybe I had gone too far. I was losing my sense of reality, trading in the taste of real flavors, real culinary experiences, and real food for a cheap citrus high. Maybe putting mignonette on Gordon Ramsay was my way of hitting rock bottom.

Soon I found myself in a group hug with some of the most celebrated chefs in the world. They helped me renew my interest in gastronomy. They brought me back from the edge.

 

In Chapter 4, we explored the basics of culinary anatomy and methods for honing your mind, body, and palate for optimum gastronomical enjoyment. Now it’s time to put this knowledge to use when it comes to matters of taste. In this chapter, we’ll investigate coffee, meat, cheese, herbs, pasta, and chocolate. Along the way, we’ll also touch on food safety and the steps you can take to protect yourself from the risk of food-borne illness.

 

CUP THIS: HOW TO TASTE COFFEE

Do you love a decaffeinated hazelnut-flavored coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts with plenty of sugar and skim milk? If so, please skip ahead to the next section. We’re here to talk about tasting actual coffee, not sweetened brown milk.

Tasting coffee is a complex interaction that involves all of the tongue’s most basic senses (sweet, sour, salty, and bitter) as well as the all-important sense of smell. The process of tasting might appear simple (it’s more than gulping and gargling), but it’s actually extraordinarily complex, and can be broken down into three major steps:

1. Fragrance: The first step in the tasting process is to discern the coffee’s fragrance, a step that occurs before brewing even begins. As you grind the coffee, ask yourself what your first impressions are of the fragrance. Get up close to the grounds. Really close. Use a coke spoon to snort some up your nose, or a razor blade to create a narrow line for snorting.

2. Aroma: Next, when you have actually started the brewing process and water makes contact with the coffee grounds, aroma is released. Get as close as you can to the freshly brewed coffee without severely burning your nostrils. Some blistering on the surface of the nose is perfectly fine (have bandages on hand). Coffee connoisseurs develop tough callouses (“coffee callous”), which over time become extraordinarily resilient to heat.

3. The Nose: The final step is to take a sip of the coffee. Counterintuitively, this is known as “the nose.” As you advance in your coffee tasting, you can try more advanced tasting methods such as “the ear,” “the toe,” and the most advanced of all, “the mouth.”

 

The Elements of Taste

Once you have taken a sip of coffee, look for three major elements: body, acidity, and balance:

Body is the textural sensation of drinking coffee. Is it “oily” like a used car salesman or former Republican presidential contender Herman Cain? Is it lightweight like Michele Bachmann? Perhaps it feels thick in your mouth and makes you want to gag, like oral sex with John Holmes.

Acidity refers to acids in the coffee beans that combine with natural sugars during the brewing process and provide a sharp, tangy flavor. You’ll notice high levels of acidity if the coffee is redolent of throwing up after a night of drinking an entire bottle of Kahlua.

Balance is the way that all the elements of a coffee harmonize. In this way, a coffee with very good balance should resemble Boyz II Men in their prime.

 

Coffee Characteristics

Just as wine connoisseurs have a complex language for analyzing the flavors in wines, so, too do, coffee snobs have an entire lexicon for describing a cup of joe:

 

Bright: This coffee could totally get into Harvard.

Caramelly: Like a Twix bar, but without the cookies or chocolate.

Carbony: Burnt, charcoal overtones reminiscent of that time you found yourself chewing on briquettes while drunk.

Earthy: Tastes like dirt. Delicious dirt.

Fruity: Having an aroma similar to berries, citrus, or Nathan Lane.

Grassy: Duuuuuuuuude . . .

Mellow: This coffee is perfectly happy sitting back and listening to some Steely Dan.

Musty: Smells and tastes like your grandma’s linen closet.

Nutty: An aftertaste similar to testicles.

Spicy: Having a flavor redolent of Spanish actress/guitarist Charo.

Spunky: Reminiscent of Punky Brewster.

Wildness: A gamey flavor. A particularly “wild” coffee is known in coffee-tasting circles as “buck wild.”

Winey: A coffee with all the qualities of a good red wine, except for the alcohol (dammit).

 

What Your Coffee Brewing Style Says about You

 

 

CUTTING THE CHEESE

Every cheese tells a story. A slice of processed American cheese is a sad tale of misspent youth as remembered by a palate-less man imprisoned in a jail made of orange plastic. On the other hand, a wheel of Époisses is a biographical account of a lonely Frenchman who, shunned by his friends for his awful body odor, can never share his true secret: His heart is made of buttercream.

To discover a cheese’s story and experience its being in all of its many facets—flavor, texture, color, and stankiness—you need get up close and personal with your cheese. That doesn’t mean you need to sleep with your cheesemonger, though it does help (the least you can do is offer to wash his rind). However, once you purchase your cheese and take it home, unwrap it and observe its many variables:

• Color: The color of cheese can vary greatly, so it’s useful to be as accurate as possible as you assess its hue. Take a look at the rind. Is it rusty? If the answer is yes, get specific. Is it rusty like 1974 Pinto hubcaps or Redbeard’s pubes? Is it white and chalky? Then “Cullen clan” might be a fairly good descriptor. On the other hand, “dirty homeless socks” is the most typical way of describing the Spanish goat’s milk cheese Garroxta.
• Firmness: Hard, firm cheeses are generally described as “Team Jacob.” The softest cheeses are sometimes called “Bataliesque” or “Kirstie Alleyish.” On the other hand, a “tight” cheese might be described as “Nigella’s sweater.”
• Flavor: How do you describe the flavor of the cheese? Is it goaty or “Sarah Jessica Parkerish” (horsey)? Perhaps it’s “Bootsy” (funky) or “James Francoesque” (herbal)?
• Aroma: Is there a noticeable aroma? Would you say it’s barnyard? Be more precise: chicken shit, cow pie, goose doody, or farmer’s diarrhea? Or maybe you find it musty? Which is the better descriptor: week-old underwear or Vegas prostitute?

Some Guidelines for Serving Cheese

• Cut the cheese fresh. This can be a delicate balancing act. While cheese should always be cut fresh, you may not want to cut the cheese directly in front of your guests, particularly your mother-in-law. In the case of particularly stinky cheeses, most cheesemongers will recommend you cut the cheese in the bathroom and spray the cheese with Febreze before returning to the table to serve your guests.
• Temperature. Always serve cheese at room temperature. The colder the cheese, the less flavor. If the cheese gets too warm, you can give it an aspirin. Use a rectal thermometer for the most accurate temperature readings.
• Use the right tools. When it comes to knives, I like to plunge a sharp dagger deep into a wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano; the first one who can pull it out gets the title of King of Cheese. For melting cheeses, I recommend eating them with a spoon—straw. For oozing cheeses, it’s always a good idea to keep some antibacterial ointment and bandages on hand.
• Smoked cheeses. Smoked cheese is not for everybody, and you run the risk of becoming a cheeseaholic. But it’s a great way to share an evening with friends. Mozzarella and Gouda are the most popular cheeses for smoking. The easiest way to smoke cheese is to wrap a piece in parchment, light one end, and inhale the other. You may also try using a bong, which is better known as “fondueing.” Instead of water, fill the bong with dry white wine and a little Kirsch and only use a high-quality Gruyère or Emmenthaler (or both). Be prepared for some really weird hallucinations involving the Swiss Family Robinson.

 

ALL ABOUT MEAT

 

The Basics of Buying Meat

When it comes to buying meat, labels can be very confusing. Visit any supermarket meat section and you’ll discover a plethora of labels that are intended to provide more information to consumers so that they can make more informed choices. But with so much information to sift through, all of this labeling can often do more harm than good.

Here’s an easy cheat sheet to basic meat labeling:

• Natural: Does not contain artificial colors, flavors, chemical preservatives, or silicone breast implants.
• Grass fed: Cattle and lamb that exclusively smoked marijuana.
• Organic: Meats with a USDA Organic label must not be raised with growth hormones, they must eat organic feed, they must not be administered antibiotics, and they must have access to open pastures and Alice Waters’s cell phone number.
• Free range: This label, which applies only to poultry, means the bird has access to the outdoors at least five minutes a day, where they may enjoy cigarettes and lift weights with other prisoners.

A Guide to Meat Grades

Federal-government inspectors grade beef according to an eight-point scale that assigns a series of labels based on quality:

1. Prime: The highest-quality meat. Prime meat comes from younger cattle and is known for its marbling.

2. Choice: Choice meat has less marbling and is less tender than prime but can still taste good.

3. Select: Usually leaner and less flavorful than prime or choice meats. Can be cut into thin strips to wear as suspenders.

4. Utility: You can find this meat in dress-shoe soles, hot dogs, or at your favorite chain restaurant.

5. Hobo: This grade of meat is typically enjoyed on boxcars.

6. Pet worthy: Dogs may be willing to eat this grade of meat, but not cats.

7. Hobby: Inedible by humans or any mammals, but great for arts-and- crafts projects.

 

 

CHECKING FOR DONENESS: THE FINGER TEST

There’s a very simple test you can use to tell if your meat is done using just a touch of your finger. Press on the thickest part of the steak with your index finger and determine how well done the meat is based on the following guide:

Rare: The steak is rare when the meat is as soft as Paul Prudhomme’s ass.

Medium: The steak is considered medium when it has the texture of Giada De Laurentiis’s cleavage: soft but springy and bouncy to the touch.

Well Done: The meat is well done when it is very firm and there is absolutely no give when touched, like Todd English’s abs.

RUTH’S RULES

Treat meat as a special-occasion food. For example, only eat meat on days that begin with consonants.

 

Offal Good: Twenty Organs to Eat Before You Die

Offal, or organ meats, have become increasingly popular ingredients in contemporary gastronomy. Once considered peasant foods, these “nasty bits” have gone mainstream, prized by some of the world’s most celebrated chefs, not to mention the television series Fear Factor. But please don’t stop at pork bellies, beef cheeks, and marrow bones. There’s a whole world of nasty bits out there for your gastronomical exploration.

 

1. Blood vessels: Serve them just as you would pasta. Capillaries make a great substitute for angel hair, while larger arteries can replace bucatini in your favorite pasta dish.

2. Salivary glands: Mouthwateringly delicious sautéed with olive oil, garlic, and sea salt.

3. Esophagus: Stuff these with your favorite sausage.

4. Gallbladder: An acquired taste, gallbladders can be quite bitter due to bile. However, if you like broccoli rabe, you may well enjoy this organ. Be careful of gallstones, however.

5. Pancreas: Not only can you eat the pancreas, you can squeeze out the pancreatic juices over ice for a summer refresher.

6. Rectum: Treat these as you would a chile relleno, stuffed with cheese and rice.

7. Anus: Deep-fry them by the basketful and serve with aioli as you would fried calamari.

8. Hypothalamus: These secrete some really cool hormones like dopamine. Smoke them using a trachea (see below).

9. Bladder: Serve filled with lemonade.

10. Urethra: These don’t taste all that good, but they make for great straws.

11. Tonsils: These can be hard to find unless you live near a children’s hospital. Serve them with ice cream.

12. Adenoids: See Tonsils.

13. Hangnails: Grind in a mortar and pestle with olive oil, pine nuts, and cheese for a wonderful pesto (garlic is optional).

14. Spinal cords: Serve them in soup and slurp them like noodles.

15. Ovaries: Known as the “caviar of the land,” scoop out the eggs with a mother-of-pearl spoon and serve with toast and crème fraîche.

16. Nipples: Roast and salt them as you would nuts.

17. Prostate: Classic finger food.

18. Trachea: They don’t call this the windpipe for nothing. Use it to smoke a hypothalamus (see above).

19. Ligaments and tendons: Talk about toothsome; these can be a little chewy. They make great substitutes for chewing gum.

20. Larynx: Not only is the larynx also known as the voice box, delicious braised, roasted, or steamed, it’s also a great conversation starter at parties. Literally.

 

BASIC FOOD LABELS

Enriched: Nutrients were lost during processing, so the product was adulterated with gold by a leprechaun.

Fat Free: Inedible “foods” that are made to resemble real foods but contain less than .5 grams of fat per serving. Some fat-free products, like fat-free yogurt, may be used as substitutes for household items like spackle.

Healthy: Marketing term for “tastes bad.” Avoid these.

Low Sodium: This helpful label, which denotes that a product contains 140 milligrams of sodium or less per serving, lets you know when to grab the saltshaker.

Natural: Free of Botox, silicone implants, or other plastic surgery.

Sugar Free: At least 54 percent wood by volume.

 

HERBS FOR SEASONING AND FOR SMOKING

In cooking, herbs and spices can be used to add flavor to a dish, infuse a stock, or, when they are introduced at the very end of the cooking process, add a powerful element of aroma to the finished product. But herbs and spices are also known for their mind-altering properties. To appreciate their hidden potential, you must unearth their hallucinogenic powers.

There is, perhaps, no writer more eloquent on the subject of getting high on herbs than Sir Thomas More, who wrote: “As for rosemary, I let it run all over my garden walls, not only because my bees love it but because it is the herb sacred to remembrance and to friendship, whence a sprig of it hath a dumb language.” Dumb language indeed: One of the well-known side effects of smoking rosemary is slowed speech.

What’s more, anyone who has ever listened to Simon and Garfunkel’s ode to herbal euphoria, “Scarborough Fair,” knows these guys got seriously high on parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. But why stop there? There’s a whole world of herbs and spices waiting for your experimentation:

 

PASTA 2.0: NEW PASTA SHAPES

The Italians have a way with naming foods, and pastas are no exception. Many pasta shapes can refer to historical events, reflect cultural meanings, or slyly evoke everyday objects. One of the more famous might be strozzapreti (“priest-chokers”), not to mention orecchiette, the little bowl-shaped noodle that translates as “little ears,” or radiatori, which are shaped like little radiators. Rising to the level of food poetry is the tortellini. The twisted, stuffed pasta supposedly evokes the bellybutton of Venus, the Roman goddess of love.

Unfortunately, there hasn’t been much new in the arena of pasta design. In 1987, designer Philippe Starck came up with the mandala for French pasta maker Panzani. Referencing the Hindu and Buddhist art form, the mandala was designed with a unique shape engineered to compensate for overcooking. But it never took off.

So it’s time that pasta got an update. Here are some concepts for entirely new pasta shapes that reflect the times we live in.

 

iPhonetti

Sleek, ultrathin, rectangular noodles that can communicate wirelessly with any sauce.

 

Recessionini

Evoking the tenuous state of the global economy, this spaghetti-like pasta is stretched by hand until thin, almost to the breaking point. Boil and serve dry without sauce.

 

Cloonetti

Handsome ovals of pasta typically served with a dusting of salt and pepper.

 

Wieneroni

A sheet of pasta formed into a beggar’s purse bulging with a sausage filling. Although wieneroni was once served in the halls of Congress, it has since fallen out of favor.

 

Palini

A pasta that appears to be ravioli, but instead holds the empty promise of any actual filling. Pair with freshly killed moose Bolognese sauce.

 

Lohani

A modern take on the tortellini, these bellybutton-shaped noodles are typically dusted with cocaine and fermented in wine or other spirits. Eating Lohani and driving is not recommended (appoint a designated driver).

 

Bobbyflayette

Similar to penne, but with faux grill marks colored with squid ink. Serve with pico de gallo and a drizzle of Mexican crema.

 

Batalini

Tiny orange clog-shaped noodles. A favorite of Gwyneth Paltrow.

 

SUVette

Enormous, oversized gnocchi that require more than double the amount of olive oil as traditional recipes.

 

Twitteroni

This tiny bird-shaped pasta is typically made in 140-noodle servings. Leftover pasta can be refrigerated and retweeted.

 

Kardashioni

While delicious, these pillowy, bottom-heavy noodles are known for being devoid of any nutritional value. Pair with dark meat.

 

Hipsteroni

A local specialty of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, these beard-shaped noodles pair nicely with an ice-cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. If you can’t make them yourself, they are available for mail order at etsy.com.

 

Kanyettini

Yo, spaghetti, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but kanyettini is one of the best pastas of all time.

 

Twilightenne

The eternal struggle between werewolves and vampires is played out in this pasta. Twilightenne feature deep indentations made by fork tines, echoing Jacob the werewolf’s washboard abs. Pair with a white-to-gray béchamel sauce that evokes Edward the vampire’s ashen pallor.

 

Dharmette

Despite the disappointing finale of the television series Lost, this octagonal-shaped pasta evoking the Dharma Initiative logo remains popular with many nerds.

 

SO YOU WANT TO BE A . . . Hipster Butcher

Do you have the cojones to be a hipster butcher? Literally, do you have a good supplier of bull testicles? Because you’re going to need them.

If you ever wanted to be a rock star but didn’t have the musical “chops,” now is your chance to court your own devoted fan base through the art of butchering and your skill at dividing animals into, well, chops.

 

• If you answered “yes” three times or fewer:
  You are not hipster butcher material. Have you considered becoming a vegan?
• If you answered “yes” four to seven times:
  With the right amount of training, you might be able to remove the bone from a chicken thigh.
• If you answered “yes” to eight or more questions:
  Congratulations! You have exactly what it takes to be a hipster butcher. Get ready for legions of fans, a devoted following, and countless women hungering for your prized tube steak.

 

FOOD-SAFETY CHECKLIST

With the startling increase in the number of meat and produce recalls in recent years and the looming risk of food-borne illnesses and bacterial contamination, there are a number of basic steps that you can take to ensure food safety in your own home.

 

	Leftovers kept in the refrigerator may be safely eaten for up to four days as a general rule. However, after forty-five days, you can make a delicious cocktail with all of the fermented juices.
	Always wash your hands with soap and warm water before handling ingredients. Then, wash all of your ingredients in pure bleach (always wear white).
	“Prewashed” lettuces typically contain the same amount of bacteria as a “prewashed” homeless person whose last shower was twelve months ago.
	Always turn a frying pan’s handle away from the front of the stove, except when Guy Fieri is over.
	Canned goods with a bulging lid may indicate two things: (1) the possibility of spoilage, or (2) a very sexually aroused food product.
	In the event of a power outage, keep your foods safe by keeping the refrigerator and freezer doors closed at all times. Only open them in a bacon emergency.

 

HOLIDAY COOKING TIPS: BE A MASTER BASTER

There is a terror that strikes Americans every year. It’s a level of anxiety greater than filing income taxes, making an appointment for a colonoscopy, or even meeting Thomas Keller for the first time. I’m referring, of course, to Thanksgiving.

Fear of a dry turkey seems to strike right at the heart of American patriotism. Did an epidemic of dry turkey cause the recent recession? We’ll never know. But the odds are that it probably did.

But listen. Take a deep breath and realize there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Even if it’s your first time boning a turkey, you need to relax. Turn down the lights, mix yourself (and the turkey) a cocktail, put on some soft jazz music, and let the boning take its natural course.

Before long, Thanksgiving cooking will become a no-brainer. Once you get the hang of it, you may even earn the much-heralded title of Master Baster:

Here are some simple tips to ensure a successful Thanksgiving feast.

• Overcooking: One of the big problems in roasting a turkey is that the white meat tends to cook much faster than the dark meat. As a result, in order to thoroughly cook the dark meat, you risk overcooking and drying out the white meat. One solution is to slow down the speed at which the white meat cooks. You can achieve this by icing down the breasts so they don’t finish cooking before the thighs. But please be careful around the nipples. They are very sensitive.
• Time-savers: Did you sleep too late and forget to put the turkey in the oven? For a great Thanksgiving time-saver, try turkey sashimi. Or even worse, did you leave a frozen turkey in the freezer and forget to thaw it out? Hone a sharp knife and scrape the flesh to make Thanksgiving snow cones. Kids love them!
• Self-basting: Self-basting turkeys are no fun. Thanksgiving is a communal affair. Be a mutual master baster.
• Moistness: Rub a generous amount of butter on the breasts (you can also put some on the turkey, too, while you are at it). Also, don’t overdo it trying to cook a moist bird. If the turkey is too moist, you may want to consult a gynecologist.
• Turducken: Try making a turducken as an alternative to the traditional turkey. After all, is there anything more erotic than boning a chicken, duck, and a turkey at one time? If turducken doesn’t sound exciting enough, add a layer of foie gras to make a turfucken.
• Giblets: Don’t forget, always fondle the giblets before you dress the turkey.
• Boning: When it comes to boning the bird, a nice drizzle of cream on the breasts to finish off is traditional.
• Vegetarians: If you’re stuck with vegetarians as guests, you can serve them white meat, which is considered the “vegetables” of the turkey.
• Brining: Brining has become very popular for Thanksgiving. Get started by at least noon on the day of the feast so that you are completely brined by the time dinner starts.

ORGASMIC CHOCOLATE: FROM FOREPLAY TO CLIMAX

Surely you’ve tasted a chocolate Kiss, and perhaps you’ve heard people talk about chocolate that’s “orgasmic.” But sadly, you may have never witnessed, much less experienced, the extraordinarily sensual experience that is a chocolate orgasm. Chocolate “virgins” will find this handy guide essential to getting past first base with cacao.

• Source
  Steer away from chocolates from Northern European countries. There’s a reason that chocolates made in Scandinavia, for example, have a reputation for being “frigid.” Avoid them.
• Undressing
  Don’t just tear off the wrapper like some kind of animal. Pour a glass of wine. Talk to the chocolate. Listen to what it has to say. Woo it. When the time is right, carefully fold back the paper without ripping. Feel free to get into bed with the chocolate, but keep in mind that the sheets can get awfully messy.
• Foreplay
  A little foreplay doesn’t hurt to move things along. When your chocolate contains cacao nibs, try gently tickling the nibs before moving on to the main act.
• The Crying Game
  A word of advice to heterosexual men and to people with allergies: some chocolates may contain nuts. Proceed carefully.
• Multiple Orgasms
  Yes, multiple orgasms are possible. For example, a twenty-four-piece box of chocolates can potentially result in twenty-four orgasms. I’m getting tired just thinking about it.
• Race and Chocolate
  Not to unfairly discriminate against white chocolate, but, as the saying goes, once you go black, you never go back.

 

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

The great gastronomic thinker Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin famously wrote, “Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are.” So, what exactly are you, anyway?

 

 

Nose to Tail or Tail to Nose? A Guide to Whole Beast Eating

Once you have embraced the whole-animal approach to eating, you may never go back to eating chicken breasts again. But as simple as the nose-to-tail eating mantra may sound, it’s not always so easy in practice. So before you get yourself accidentally tied up in a goat’s small intestines, please consult this handy guide:

1. Pig
Nose to tail
This one’s a no-brainer. The über–“whole beast,” pigs evolved over hundreds of thousands of years specifically so that humans could eat them from their snouts to their hairy little tails.

2. Proboscis Monkey
Tail to nose
Unlike the pig, the proboscis monkey’s unusually large nose would be far too filling to start with. Instead, begin at the rear of the monkey and work your way toward the nose. See also: platypus.

3. Eel
Anything goes
The eel has long been a serious challenge for the whole-animal eater, particularly if you’re drunk. “Which end is which?” is the common refrain of many intoxicated whole-eel eaters. See also: stingray, snake, starfish.

4. Camel
Nose to tail to hump
Start with the nose and then switch to the tail, saving the hump as the main course.

5. Elephant
Trunk to tail to ears
Nibble on the trunk as an appetizer, followed by the remainder of the body, saving the elephant ears for dessert, which are simply fantastic dusted with cinnamon and sugar.

6. Giraffe
Legs to neck to tail to head
In order not to fill up on the neck, it’s recommended you start at the legs and work your way up, doubling back for the tail and finally on to the neck and head.

7. Kangaroo
Torso to nose to tail to pouch
This is fun at parties. Have someone blindfold you and put you inside the pouch. Your challenge is to eat your way out. Start with the torso, then consume the nose and tail, saving the actual pouch for last.

8. Turtle
Flip ’n’ eat
God love ’em, turtles are the only animals that come with their own bowl. Simply turn the turtle over so that it’s shell-side down and then eat with one of those serrated grapefruit spoons. Great for picnics.

 

SHOULD YOU EAT THAT CHICKEN? A DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART

There’s a lot of confusion out there about food choices in the modern world. Is the food you choose to buy and cook for yourself and your loved ones safe to eat? Is it sustainable? Will it taste good?

Nothing can be more confounding to the modern eater than choosing the correct chicken to eat. A USDA organic label gives the consumer a degree of confidence, but ultimately you must personally weigh a number of variables—from the chicken’s access to the outdoors to whether it was given any drugs or antibiotics, and if it ate a healthy diet—before making a safe, healthy, and tasty choice for your family. (See the Decision-Making Flowchart)

This handy flowchart will give you the confidence to make the best choices with the right information.