Trick #4

Feelings

They say that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

—ANONYMOUS

First things first—feelings just are. They are neither good nor bad. The word “bad” when referring to feelings is a misnomer because there is no such thing as a bad feeling. Difficult feelings do exist, yes, and some humans feel them more deeply than others, but remember what Kahlil Gibran said: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” It’s important to learn how to observe our feelings and not judge ourselves for having them. Those who struggle with emotions are equally as valuable as those who appear to breeze through life. Here’s a great saying: “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.” Sure, they might be smiling, but there could be turmoil beneath that grin. No one feels good all the time. Everyone has problems.

Feelings are powerful. Anger can put me to sleep if I “stuff it.” Anger can also give me tremendous fuel if I release it; I can clean a whole house in a couple of hours if I’m angry and expressing it. I can stay stuck in resentment and low self-esteem if I ignore my fears. If I face my fears, I gain significant life momentum. Happiness gets me going so high that I sometimes wear myself thin. On the other hand, happiness fills me with love and gratitude, bringing me closer to myself and the sacred. For me, the important thing is to find the gray area, the middle ground. Identifying feelings is the first step in that direction.

Exercise: Identifying Feelings

You will need a piece of paper, a pencil, and the Feelings Chart (below).

1. Take a deep breath.
2. After you exhale, say to yourself, “How do I feel in this moment?” Take five seconds to think about it. Do you feel sad, happy, angry, relaxed? Listen to your body. Is your breath shallow or deep? Are your hands fidgeting or still? Does your head feel heavy or light? These are all good indicators of different feelings.
3. Scan through the Feelings Chart. Can you relate to anything you see? Be as honest with yourself as possible. It’s okay to feel optimistic even if you feel angry or sad, or playful even if you feel overwhelmed. Most of us have more than one feeling at any given moment. (For example, right now I feel happy, tired, relieved, a little nervous, and a little stressed out.)
4. Jot your feeling words down on the piece of paper.
5. Using the words you just wrote, say this sentence aloud, filling in the blank with a feeling: “In this moment, I feel ______.” Repeat the sentence for each feeling.
6. Take a deep breath.
7. Turn the paper facedown and keep it by your side. You’ll need it in a minute.

FEELINGS CHART

How do I feel in this moment?

Given that feelings are usually at the root of all suicidal thoughts, it’s important to learn how to identify them. Once we start to identify them, we can start to see (and feel) them change, instead of lumping them together as “I feel suicidal.” Accepting this concept was one of the first turning points in my healing process. Remember, feelings are a part of life. It’s okay to feel good, just as it’s okay to feel lousy. Most people have a hard time hearing about intense feelings. Either they think they have to fix the person who is having them (they don’t) or they “take on” the other person’s feelings and try to change them (they can’t). They’re uncomfortable with the responsibility (which isn’t theirs in the first place), and because of their own discomfort, they try to minimize the feelings with statements like, “Don’t feel that way. It’s not that bad.” When learning about feelings, it’s important to find people who know how to listen, or who can at least hear your experience without trying to change it.

EXERCISE: FEELINGS CHANGE

1. Repeat steps 1 and 2 from the exercise in identifying feelings, but when you get to step 3, scan the Feelings Galore List here. Can you relate to anything you see? Be as honest with yourself as possible.
2. Jot the feeling words down on the blank side of the piece of paper.
3. Now turn your paper over and compare it to what you wrote in the previous exercise. Did any of your feelings change or lessen? Probably so. Maybe a new feeling came into the picture, like feeling angry at me for suggesting you do this exercise! That’s okay—be as mad at me as you want. The point is: every single feeling we experience does change, with or without any help from us. Feelings never stay the same or at the same intensity 100 percent of the time.

I often denied feeling good because I was so afraid of giving up suicidal thoughts. I’ll let you in on a little secret: even if you feel good, no one can come and take away your suicidal thoughts. That’s up to you, my friend.

Feelings Chart

The Feelings Chart here is a visual representation of feelings. It reminds me that there are many shades of emotion and that nothing is black or white, all or nothing. When I first started to figure out my feelings, I found it helpful to use this chart, particularly when I didn’t know how I felt. You’ve probably experienced several feelings since the beginning of this book: anger, surprise, sadness, relief, hope, curiosity. Make a mental note of that.

Feelings Galore List

Fill in the blank: At this moment, I feel ______.

accomplished	embarrassed	lazy	quiet	terrific
afraid	enraged	light		thoughtful
aggravated	envious	lonely	ragged	tired
alive	excited	loved	raw	torn
alone	exhausted	lovestruck	reflective	touched
angry		lucky	regretful	trapped
anxious	flat		rejected
arrogant	fortunate	mad	relaxed	undecided
ashamed	frightened	manipulated	relieved	uneasy
	frustrated	marvelous	restless	upset
bashful	funny	mean	romantic	used
bewildered		mellow		useless
blissful	good	mischievous	sad
bold	grateful	miserable	safe	validated
bored	guilty	moody	satisfied	valuable
brave			scattered	violated
	happy	naughty	sensitive	vulnerable
calm	healthy	nauseous	separate
cautious	heavy	negative	sexy	warm
cold	hot	nervous	shocked	wasted
comfortable	humble	nice	shy	weak
concerned	hungry	numb	silly	weepy
confident	hurt		smart	willing
confused		obsessive	smothered	withdrawn
connected	indecisive	optimistic	smug	worried
content	indifferent	overwhelmed	sore
courageous	innocent		sorry	youthful
crazy	insulted	paranoid	stressed out
creative	intelligent	peaceful	strong	zany
curious	interested	pessimistic	supported
	irritable	playful	surprised
determined		pleased	suspicious
dirty	jammed	present	sympathetic
disappointed	jealous	proud
doubtful	joyful	puzzled	tender
drained	judged		tense

FEELINGS CHART SUGGESTIONS

1. Make copies of the Feelings Chart.
2. Post one copy on a wall you frequently pass.
3. Whenever you walk by the chart, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “How do I feel in this moment?”
4. Choose whichever feelings pop out for you. Make a mental note of the feelings.
5. Notice how feelings come and go, or how they change in intensity, depending on what else is happening at any given moment.

FURTHER SUGGESTIONS

1. Keep copies of the chart on hand and check in with yourself once or twice a week.
2. Sit with a copy of the chart, take a few deep breaths, and scan through the faces.
3. Circle as many of the feelings as you are experiencing in the given moment.
4. Keep the marked-up copies of your Feelings Chart and refer to them whenever your brain tries to tell you nothing changes. You’ve got evidence that it does!

Feelings Galore List

The Feelings Galore List is another useful tool for identifying feelings and states of being. The list will also help you see that feelings can and do change all the time. One day you might feel sad, the next happy.

FEELINGS GALORE LIST SUGGESTIONS

1. Post a copy of the list on the wall or refrigerator. Keep a copy in your car, notebook, handbag, knapsack, locker, desk.
2. Scan the list often and fill in the blank aloud. Check in with yourself as to how you’re experiencing life each day, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. What is the feeling beneath the thought? Use the phrase “I’m having a suicidal thought, and I feel ______.”
3. Add feelings to the list if you don’t see one that you’ve experienced.
4. Remember, “suicidal” is not a feeling.

Tracing Feelings Back

Let’s take feelings one step further. I know I’m throwing a lot of new information your way, but it will start to make sense as you practice the Tricks of the Trade and get a feel for your brain style.

Feelings stem from experience. “Tracing feelings back” means tracing an uncomfortable feeling back to the source: an argument, a disappointment, a change, an event. I still use this technique almost every day; it helps to keep my feelings in check.

There are three challenges in tracing feelings back, but each can definitely be overcome through practice. One is pinpointing the trigger by recalling the chain of events that led to the exact moment the feeling began. The second is admitting to fear, insecurity, mistrust, or anger, because so much judgment has been placed on those feelings for so long. The third is taking a positive step to address the feeling.

Take a look at the Feelings Time Lines to see how I used to process feelings compared with how I process them today. Maybe these time lines will help you identify some of your own patterns and see your brain style.

FEELINGS TIME LINE #1: HOW I USED TO PROCESS FEELINGS

FEELINGS TIME LINE #2: HOW I PROCESS FEELINGS NOW (MOST OF THE TIME)

TRACING FEELINGS BACK

1. I ask myself (usually aloud), “Okay, what am I feeling right now?”
2. Once I figure that out, I ask, “When did it start?”
3. If I can’t remember, I mentally retrace my steps, recalling the events of the day, until I get to the one that triggers the feeling again and I say, “Ooooooh, so that’s what’s really bothering me.” Sometimes it’s obvious: a fight with a friend, making a mistake at work, a death, the frustration of losing something important. Other times it’s much more subtle: hearing a certain song on the radio, or seeing someone who reminds me of my mom. Hearing about someone’s accomplishment can trigger jealousy or low self-esteem. Sometimes there is no reason.
4. With this new information, I can choose to let the situation go by forgiving someone or apologizing. I can pray for help in resolving the issue. I can ask someone for help in solving the problem. I can confront the situation and take care of the trigger. If I separate out the feelings from the thoughts, I can see all my options.

Tracing a feeling back lets me be an observer. I can dissect the situation objectively, do a reality check, and stop the emotional snowball from growing in size. Sometimes just naming the feeling makes me feel better because it lessens the confusion.

Finding the source helps make sense of the feeling. At least then I can say, “No wonder I feel this way.” As my confusion and self-judgment ease, things stop getting blown out of proportion. I can then choose to sit with the feeling, put it on a shelf for later, or address it now. I have many choices; I’m no longer at the mercy of my brain.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

• What happened to the teenager who was found hanging with scratch marks around his neck? His feelings changed. Maybe they went from anger to fear. Maybe then they changed from fear to love (for a family member). His feelings changed, and then his thoughts changed. He decided he wanted to live, but it was too late. The feelings that had long since passed had already killed him, and that is a tragedy. Feelings and thoughts can and do change. Death can’t and doesn’t. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Stating a Feeling

When stating a feeling, I try to be conscious of word choice. Instead of saying, “I am angry” or “I am happy,” I say, “I feel happy” or “I feel angry.” I believe that the words “I am” tell my brain that I am anger, which I’m not; I just feel angry. There’s a big difference.

EXERCISE: STATING FEELINGS

Read the following sentences aloud and see whether you feel a difference in either your body or your mind:

I feel so lost.	I am so lost.
I feel incredibly happy.	I am incredibly happy.
I feel sad.	I am sad.
I feel overwhelmed.	I am overwhelmed.
I feel delighted.	I am delighted.

Do the “I am” statements feel more permanent? They do to me. The “I am” defines a characteristic instead of indicating a feeling that is bound to pass.

* * *

It’s much harder to change a state of being than it is to change a feeling. Feelings stated as “I feel . . .” have much more flexibility and movement. An awareness of how we use language for emotional expression is important. Our brain hears everything we say; even the slightest positive change can have a huge ripple effect.

Now that we’ve talked about feelings, it’s time to learn how to check them against reality.