CHAPTER THREE

SUPERHEROES —Noble Upholders of Justice or Big, Fat, Stupid Jerks?

The priceless pages of this cherished chapter will focus on those publicly adored do-gooders who are dedicated to making your life in evil a miserable mess—Superheroes. These pampered prima donnas present the single greatest obstacle to any world-takeover attempt. They are powerful, courageous, and morally upstanding. In other words, incredible jerks!

Superheroes get everything handed to them. They receive benefits that we villains can only dream about—things like government funding, the private cell phone numbers of world leaders, and half-price hot fudge sundaes at participating Dairy Cream locations. They are also idolized by millions, even without the use of mind-control technology.

Superheroes have it easy in the overall good vs. evil scheme of things. We Evil Masterminds work long, grueling hours developing our organizations and concocting our brilliantly evil plans, patiently biding our time for the ideal moment in which to strike. And then, in swoops the Superhero to thwart everything. No preparation. No planning. Nothing. He simply receives “the call” and off he goes, swooping and thwarting. And if I have to listen to one more of these haughty heroes drone on about how evil never wins and how I’ll be spending the rest of my life behind bars, I just may regurgitate my lunch.

“Umm, not to question your judgment,

Your Evil Incomprehensibleness,

but shouldn’t we learn about lairs and weapons and vehicles and stuff before we deal with Superheroes? It’s not like they’re

going to come after us until we begin to threaten the world anyway, right?”

So, you say you are not going to question my judgment and then go right ahead and question it, anyway! … (must … control … rage) … Using a spoon, fashion my likeness from a four-foot-tall wheel of Muenster cheese, display it in your bedroom for six weeks, AND PRAY THAT THAT WILL PROVE SUFFICIENT TO APPEASE MY ANGER! It would have been Limburger, but I gave you a break for using the proper dramatic font for my title.

The reason we are discussing Superheroes now rather than later is precisely because they will not wait until you become world-threateningly powerful to begin pestering you. Once word gets out that you have decided to dedicate your life to evil, those gladiators of goodness will be all over you like flies on poop*, especially once you begin wearing your costume.

A Quick Word About Diabolically Clever Yet Extremely Slow-Acting Death Traps

Before I continue, I need to briefly mention diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps. Although these devilish devices will be covered in more detail later in the book, I believe it is important that you get a basic trap up and running as soon as possible. The Superhero community will soon be aware of your existence, so you never know when you’ll have a subdued foe in need of leisurely destruction.

Here is a simple yet effective Superhero death trap that should hold you over until you have the time and money to develop more ingenious devices. You can set it up in your own yard using ordinary items you can find lying around:

Name of trap: Rodent’s Revenge

Type of trap: Slowly lowering to ultimate doom

Effective for: Superheroes weighing less than 250 pounds

What you will require:

Assemble as follows:

What Is a Superhero?

That is an excellent question, which is not surprising, since I am the one who asked it. To answer it, let’s take a closer look at what the word Superhero actually stands for:

Stupid

Ugly

Pig-kissing

Earwax-eating

Rear-end-scratching

Handkerchief-licking

Elephant-snot-flinging

Rump-sniffing

Old buttface

“So what’s the big deal, then? They don’t sound so tough to me. I mean, I sit next to a handkerchief-licking earwax eater

in my second-period science class, and he gets beat up every day on the way home from school … by a girl … who’s in kindergarten.”

Well, unfortunately, most Superheroes also possess some type of superpower such as tremendous strength, or a highly advanced skill like superhuman marksmanship with a bow and arrow. You would need an army of kindergarten girls to defeat just one of them, and imagine how much that would cost in juice boxes alone.

Besides the unfortunate physical gifts, Superheroes also possess a ridiculously strong moral fiber, far beyond that of the ordinary citizen. Since I am fairly certain you have no idea what I am talking about, let’s take a look at an example—say, how various types of people would react to a house that is on fire.

•		Ordinary citizen: Call 911
•		Upstanding citizen: Call 911 and run down to the end of the street to help direct fire trucks to the endangered domicile.
•		Superhero: Intercept the 911 call, speed to the location of the fire, stop briefly en route to foil an attempted bank robbery, arrive at the scene, place fists against hips and exclaim “Have no fear, MR. SPECTACULAR is here!” rush inside and rescue everyone plus any pets and family heirlooms, use Super Breath* to extinguish the blaze, pose briefly for photographs, lecture bystanders on the dangers of leaving small appliances turned on, retrieve the neighbor’s cat from a tree, tell everyone to have a nice day, and return to secret headquarters for a quick shower before bedtime.

Now that you have made the decision to dedicate your life to taking over the world, this is the type of individual you will be forced to deal with. Every. Single. Day. The good news is you can get a head start on defeating a number of them by memorizing the information I am about to give you. These are overviews of Superheroes with whom I am nauseatingly familiar. They include inside information that will prove invaluable should you run into any of these appalling upholders of justice somewhere down the road. These summaries come from my very own superspecial top secret index-card file. (I have been planning to transfer the information to my Vordax 12000DX Supercomputer, but I need to remove a couple of games first.) I have personally battled each of these moralizing miscreants, so you can rest assured that the information is accurate.

THE AMAZING TODDLER-MAN

IDENTITY: Todd Lerman

ORIGIN: Was bitten on the hand by a radioactive two-year-old

POWERS/STRENGTHS: Possesses the proportionate strength, agility, and snot production of a two-year-old. Strength (and snot production) multiplies hundredfold when having a temper tantrum. If he closes his eyes, you can’t see him.

WEAKNESSES: Will eat anything. Gets cranky after 7:30 p.m. Requires afternoon naps. Has been known to “drop a stinky” while battling adversaries. Poor balance.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Will pick up and throw objects he finds lying about, usually after putting them in his mouth first.

NOTES: Easily lured into diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps with cookies, candy, or music from Dora the Explorer.

THE THONG

IDENTITY: Ben Grimace

ORIGIN: Believed to have been bombarded with cosmic rays while piloting the space shuttle through an asteroid field with the windows down.

POWERS/STRENGTHS: Cosmic rays transformed him into a rocklike creature with incredible strength and near invulnerability.

WEAKNESSES: Same cosmic rays also shrank his pants, which frequently “ride up,” causing him to release adversaries from his powerful grasp in order to pull the shorts out of his “rocky crevice.”

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: None

NOTES: He’s very self-conscious about his appearance. Calling him names like Brick Breath and Boulder Butt can really throw him off his game.

THE ARTFUL CODGER

IDENTITY: Old Man Crenshaw

ORIGIN: While Crenshaw was in his early seventies, the Supervillain Young Whippersnapper cut in front of him in a grocery store line. He vowed revenge on all evildoers.

POWERS/STRENGTHS: Eighty-three years old, but thanks to a modest exercise program, possesses the strength, speed, and digestive system of a man ten years younger.

WEAKNESSES: Easily confused. Often forgets who he is battling and why. Drives his Codger Mobile at extremely slow speeds and leaves his right-turn signal on.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Has been known to use his cane to poke adversaries in their midsections.

NOTES: If you happen upon his secret headquarters, don’t even think of walking on the grass.

THE OTTER

IDENTITY: Unknown—no one has ever bothered to find out.

ORIGIN: Average guy decided he looked good in an otter costume.

POWERS/STRENGTHS: None come to mind.

WEAKNESSES: You name it.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Does not appear to use/have any. You would think he might stick to the whole “otter” theme and, for example, use rocks to crack open Supervillain skulls—but no.

NOTES: Aside from Inchworm, this is probably the least intimidating of all Superheroes. Enjoys delivering clever catchphrases such as “You otter know better than to tangle with the Otter.” Drives an Otter Mobile.

NARWHAL

IDENTITY: Not sure, but I’m thinking it might be this guy.

ORIGIN: Unknown

POWERS/STRENGTHS: A master swordsman who uses his hornlike tooth to disarm and subdue adversaries. Can change TV channels from his chair without using the remote.

WEAKNESSES: Tooth makes it difficult to open doors, ride in cars, or sit in crowded movie theaters. It is also cavity prone since he can’t reach the end of it with his toothbrush.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Blowhole may be equipped to discharge tear or knockout gas.

NOTES: Tooth-based speech impediment makes his witty banter difficult to understand.

ARROWHEAD

IDENTITY: Unknown

ORIGIN: Unknown

POWERS/STRENGTHS: Slightly above average strength, speed, and agility due to a lifetime gym membership.

WEAKNESSES: The fact that he is completely blind really hinders his accuracy.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Bow and a vast array of specialty arrows.

NOTES: Can easily avoid his arrows by disguising yourself as the broad side of a barn.

AQUA STAN

IDENTITY: Prince Stanley, Lord of the Deep

ORIGIN: Unknown

POWERS/STRENGTHS: Incredible strength when in water. Can telepathically communicate with all forms of sea life, although all he knows how to say is “Yo, what’s up?” Pretty good swimmer.

WEAKNESSES: Has strength of a wet sock on dry land. Tastes good to sharks.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Trident is equipped with paralysis beam. It is also extremely pointy. Has trained numerous sea creatures to serve as underwater transportation, although none larger than a crab.

NOTES: Easily lured into diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps with minnows, shiny lures, or small pieces of hot dog.

LEAD MAN

IDENTITY: Toby Clark, billionaire industrialist

ORIGIN: A brilliant inventor, Clark was kidnapped by terrorists and built the lead suit in order to escape. No one is quite sure why he didn’t use the ultrathin, ultrastrong, ultralight titanium, which was sitting on the shelf right next to the lead.

POWERS/STRENGTHS: The suit is virtually indestructible and provides Clark with superhuman strength.

WEAKNESSES: Can barely move, even with superhuman strength, due to the tremendous weight of the suit. Sweats a lot. Chafing a real problem.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: Chest-mounted power beam, visor-mounted disintegration ray, wrist-mounted rocket launchers.

NOTES: Don’t worry about the wrist-mounted rocket launchers—he can’t lift his arms to aim them at anything.

LIEUTENANT COLONEL AMERICA

IDENTITY: Roger Stevens

ORIGIN: As a volunteer, he was injected with a secret experimental serum by top American scientists in an effort to create a supersoldier. This originally angered Stevens, as he was under the impression he was volunteering to give blood.

POWERS/STRENGTHS: Brilliant military strategist and master of hand-to-hand combat. Can lift up to three times his own body weight, depending on what he had for breakfast. A dynamite acrobat—can do six somersaults in a row.

WEAKNESSES: Stops whatever he is doing and places his hand over his heart whenever he hears “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Due to a design flaw, his shield has a large hole in it.

WEAPONS/ACCESSORIES: The Shield of Truth, the Billy Club of Justice, and the Utility Belt of the American Way.

NOTES: Boasts of being the most patriotic American on the planet, but his costumes are made in China.

THE ARCH-NEMESIS

And then there is (sigh) Commander Virtue. You will find that as your stature as an Evil Mastermind grows, so, too, will the attention directed toward you by the Superhero community. And chances are there will be one particular hero who has decided to dedicate his life to defending the world from you, specifically. This individual is known as your arch-nemesis and he can be a real pain, believe me. Commander Virtue is my arch-nemesis and, as such, has been a throbbing ache in my evil backside for decades.

I still remember the first time our paths crossed like it was yesterday. I had recently completed a long-range temporary shrink-ray prototype and was about to give the world a demonstration of my might by reducing the entire population of Merrimack, New Hampshire, to half size. I had put a lot of work into this particular evil scheme. The shrink-ray cannon was lubricated and fully charged, the satellite properly aligned, and the United Nations patched in via closed-circuit television to witness the event. Just as I pressed the Fire button and let loose with my most intimidating evil laugh (MUAHAHAHAHA!), who should appear swooping down out of the sky but Commander Virtue, sun gleaming radiantly off his freshly polished costume.

The beam deflected off his chest directly back toward me and, without going into great detail, let’s just say I had to buy my underwear at GapKids for the next few months.

That marked the beginning of a long and tiresome relationship. I would set the wheels of some nefarious scheme in motion—Commander Virtue would swoop in at the last minute to thwart it. Swoop and thwart. Swoop and thwart. Man, I hate that guy.

Why Him and Why You?

So just what is it that will cause a particular Superhero, an individual you may not even know, to become so obsessed with stopping you at every turn? There are any number of possible reasons, most of which aren’t even your fault, including:

•		You unwittingly kidnapped his mother/grandmother/sister/girlfriend/dog while collecting hostages to ransom for billions of dollars in gold bullion. (Not your fault.)
•		You unknowingly leveled his secret headquarters while clearing land for the construction of your fabulous new lair. (Not your fault.)
•		You accidentally disintegrated his entire hometown while demonstrating the awesome power of your latest doomsday device. (Not your fault.)
•		You mocked his appearance before the entire world, saying you haven’t seen an outfit that tight since Lance Armstrong let Jack Black borrow his biking shorts. (Okay, this one is probably your fault.)

TENTH COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

Never wear someone else’s biking shorts unless they have been washed first.

As far as which one of these actions may have spurred Commander Virtue to latch on to me with such vigor I can’t really say, seeing as I did them all.

Communicating with Your Arch-Nemesis

If there is one thing a Superhero enjoys more than anything about battling a Supervillain, it’s the clever dialogue. Well, he probably enjoys punching the Supervillain repeatedly in the face a bit more, but that’s it … aside from trashing the Supervillain’s lair. And maybe beating up his henchmen. But clever dialogue is definitely right up there.

Since you will be facing off against your own arch-nemesis with great frequency, it is important that you learn to hold your own in the verbal arena and not become trapped in his web of clichés. Take the following example of a cliché-filled exchange between a Supervillain and his arch-nemesis:

STOP RIGHT THERE, SCOUNDREL!

I’VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

YOUR DAYS OF VILLAINY ARE OVER!

I’M AFRAID YOU’RE TOO LATE!

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE … FOR JUSTICE!

SOON THE WORLD WILL BE MINE!

NOT ON MY WATCH! TAKE THAT!

OUCH!

AND THAT!

OOOMF!

AND THAT!

AAACK!

HAD ENOUGH, EVIL ONE?

HA! IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE!

UUGHH! OKAY! ENOUGH! I GIVE UP!

CRIME DOES NOT PAY!

I GUESS NOT. JUST LET ME GRAB MY CAPE.

IT’S OVER THERE BY THE ESCAPE POD.

NOT SO FAST!

DRAT! FOILED AGAIN!

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTSMART ME!

YES, AND I WOULD HAVE, TOO, IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!

Notice how things turn out poorly for the Supervillain. Things always turn out poorly for the Supervillain when he foolishly tries to engage his Superheroic adversary in standard, cliché-filled rhetoric. Superheroes excel at this kind of thing. It’s the only way they know how to talk. It’s up to you, as the Supervillain in the room, to mix things up in order to knock that haughty hero off his stride. For example:

STOP RIGHT THERE, SCOUNDREL!

I’VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

YOUR DAYS OF VILLAINY ARE OVER!

YUP. YOU GOT ME. GREAT WORK.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A MANGO SMOOTHIE?

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE FOR JUS … HUH?

A MANGO SMOOTHIE. THEY’RE DELICIOUS! WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?

NOT ON MY WATCH! TAKE THAT!

OW! HEY! WHAT’D YOU DO THAT FOR?

SORRY. HABIT, I GUESS.

WELL, YOU ALMOST KNOCKED THE SMOOTHIE OUT OF MY HAND, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

MANGO, YOU SAY?

YESSIREE.

I LIKE MANGOS.

WELL, THEN, HERE YOU GO!

MMM! THIS IS DELICIOUS!

INDEED!

SAY, I’M BEGINNING TO FEEL A BIT DROWSY …

INDEED!

LET ME GUESS—YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE SMOOTHIE, I’M GOING TO PASS OUT, AND YOU’RE GOING TO PUT ME IN ONE OF YOUR DIABOLICALLY CLEVER YET EXTREMELY SLOW-ACTING DEATH TRAPS, RIGHT?

INDEED!

DRAT.

Note the difference. If, for some reason, you just don’t feel truly evil unless you utter a few clichés yourself, wait until after your arch-nemesis has been secured in your diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death trap. You may then throw a few out there as you reveal the details of your nefarious scheme per regulation 7.1b of the Superhero/Supervillain Official Rules of Etiquette*:

drop him on top of his head repeatedly until such time as he remembers.

Regulation 7.1b—In the event a Supervillain subdues a Superhero, said Supervillain must reveal the complete details of his evil plan to said Superhero prior to “disposing of” him/her. This may be accomplished either through direct dialogue between the two parties or by allowing the Superhero to eavesdrop on the Supervillain as he summarizes his plans via an egotistical rant to no one in particular. Should said Superhero subsequently manage to escape, he or she is free to use this information as he or she sees fit.

Regulation 7.1c—In the event both a Superhero and his sidekick are captured simultaneously, they must be secured back to back in a manner which allows the sidekick access to the Superhero’s utility belt. This will provide the Superhero a fair chance to

A Quick Word About Sidekicks

As difficult as this may be to believe, there is actually a living organism on this planet that irritates me more than the Superhero.

“Do you mean … me?”

All right—two living organisms. And the other one is the Superhero sidekick, a pint-sized pain in the rear who is just like a real Superhero except that he’s younger, smaller, and doesn’t have any superpowers. He still wears a costume, but it’s not … now how shall I put this … as “rugged” as that worn by his grown-up counterpart (think Peter Pan booties). His fighting ability is about the equal of two henchmen, and his vocabulary consists mostly of exclamations like “Holy Moly!” “Gee Whiz!” and “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!”

Not every Superhero has a sidekick, but those who do keep them around for three reasons:

1.	To warn the Superhero that a Supervillain is sneaking up on him from behind.
2.	To help the Superhero escape from the grasp of diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death traps.
3.	To wash and wax the SuperMobile.

On the plus side, they make excellent hostages. There is no stronger bait with which to lure a Superhero into your clutches than a kidnapped sidekick.

“How come Supervillains don’t usually have sidekicks?”

Because we would just kidnap them. It’s what we do.

That concludes the chapter on Superheroes. Now that you have read it, I am sure you will agree that its pages contain nearly unimaginable amounts of wisdom. Close the book and put it in a safe place for a few days before beginning the chapter on lairs—it is equally remarkable and I am afraid that reading the chapters back to back will cause your head to explode. It may, anyway. If so, e-mail me and I will send you a robotic replacement head (indicate size: S, M, or L).

“Pardon me,

Your Evil Incomprehensibleness,

but could you give us just one final tip for defeating Superheroes before we proceed to the next chapter?”

Very well. You have behaved yourself fairly well since that little mishap at the beginning of the chapter, so I present you with …

Just One Final Tip for Defeating Superheroes Before We Proceed to the Next Chapter

Mock the Superhero’s name during battle. If you are fighting The Mighty Trooper, for example, you might call him The Mighty Pooper. Skylark would be Skidmark, Commander Comet would be Commander Vomit, and so on. This lack of respect really ticks them off and often causes them to come unglued.

*	YES, IN THIS EXAMPLE YOU ARE THE POOP—AND DESERVEDLY SO.
*	OR THUNDER CLAP
*	THIS SET OF REGULATIONS WAS AGREED UPON DURING A SECRET MEETING HELD MANY YEARS AGO. UNFORTUNATELY, THE HEROES WERE REPRESENTED IN THAT MEETING BY CAPTAIN ATTORNEY, RESULTING IN RULES SUCH AS REGULATION 7.1B, WHICH HAS BURNED ME MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO REMEMBER.