When I first became single, everyone told me to wait at least two years to date, and I laughed at them; I now realize what good advice that was.
Sheri, single parent
As you continue to look in the mirror, let me dispel a myth right now. The idea that either you or a dating partner is definitively ready or not ready for another relationship is misguided. It’s not a black or white, either/or situation. It’s more of a continuum of gray. For example, you might think after a period of self-examination and counsel that you are ready to meet someone. But all it takes is a first date for you to realize that you are ready for only casual dating, not a serious relationship.
Let’s take the pressure off right now. Stop worrying about whether you’re ready to date, and stop trying to discern whether your kids are ready for you to date yet (we’ll talk more about that in the next chapter). No one but God knows the answer to these questions! And unless he writes a message to you on the wall (your Facebook wall or otherwise), I suggest you reflect on the following readiness markers, and then perhaps try dating and see what happens. Yeah, that’s right, try dating. Sometimes that’s the only way to expose readiness factors you didn’t know to attend to. As you date, continually reflect and listen to what you are experiencing and learning about yourself, your children, your dating partner, and the “us” that is being developed between you.
Emotional Readiness
Have you ever watched a celebrity interview on TV and thought, How can that person be so unaware of how strange they sound? They really think they are making sense. How can someone be that arrogant, self-centered, or nearsighted? What is missing in that person is the ability to look in the mirror, to see themselves objectively, for who they really are.
Look in the Emotional Readiness Mirror
Part of what keeps us humble before God is the ability to look in the mirror. It will also help you consider your emotional readiness for dating. What are your internal drives at this season of your life? What strong emotions persist? Emotions like guilt, fear, loneliness, or unhappiness do not create fertile soil for growing healthy relationships, and discontentment breeds vulnerability and poor discernment. To what degree do these emotions exist in your life?
Regularly I ask single-agains “How do you know if you are ready to date?” Sheri shared, “In order to be ready to date again, you really need to have come to terms with what went wrong in the marriage and accept your part of the blame and responsibility for it. You should be at a place where you want to make changes in your own life so that your next relationship is much better. Also, make sure enough time has passed for you or the person you are dating. When I first became single, everyone told me to wait at least two years to date, and I laughed at them; I now realize what good advice that was.” I like Sheri’s willingness to look in the mirror.
Kerry, a divorced mom, emphasized to women the importance of becoming self-reliant. “First, you truly have to be over your relationship with your previous husband in all aspects; no one wants you to constantly compare them to your ex-spouse. You have to realize that you do not need a man, as you will choose ineffectively if you are needy and are just looking for someone to take care of you and your children. You must have the financial means to care for yourself and children without needing anyone else. Woman, be strong and learn to stand on your own two feet. You can take care of you and your children with self-confidence, drive, and attitude. No is never an option!” Obviously Kerry is suggesting that if you see neediness in the mirror, you aren’t ready to date.
And then there was this response from the other side of the fence. “Regretful from Canada” anonymously wrote my ministry, sharing her already married blended family perspective. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t able to look in the mirror until it was too late.
My husband and I are both in second marriages, but I wish I had never remarried. I have two young teenagers and he has a five-year-old he has never seen but talks to every few weeks. I remarried after being on my own for three years. I now realize that I married again because I was terrified of being alone and desperately wanted to have a healthy family for my children. Unfortunately, my second husband cannot relate to my children and sees them only as a duty. In fact, all aspects of family life seem to be a chore for him. This causes tremendous tension between us. I fought for my first marriage for many years until it was torn from me. I have no more fight left in me. I try to give it to God, but only find temporary peace. I have been thinking about leaving for over a year now. My children have tried to relate and bond with him, but have been pushed away. We have seen counselors together and separately. Initially I was sad that I had made another mistake, but now I am getting angry at myself for being so needy back then and at him for not being who I want him to be. Divorcing this time wouldn’t seem to be wrong because I wouldn’t be tearing apart a family—we aren’t a family.
It is easy to hear Regretful’s pain and defeat. She doesn’t even classify her situation as a family. (I would, however, because she and her husband made a covenant promise; her family is worthy of being saved, it just needs much improvement.) But what is worthy of our attention is her observation that loneliness and worry for her children closed her eyes to wise discernment about marriage and becoming a blended family. She didn’t take her loneliness and worry seriously and didn’t examine her emotional readiness thoroughly. As a result, she found herself in a regretful situation.
Relax in Your Aloneness
As I stated in the introduction, God made us to be relational beings. When without a companion, we will feel alone. That loneliness must be acknowledged and managed so it doesn’t place blinders on your eyes. Loneliness might be one of the strongest causes of marital amnesia, which fools people into believing they are ready for a new relationship and causes them to minimize the complexity of forming a blended family.
So what’s the prescription for loneliness? Relax in your aloneness. I know that sounds crazy, but let me explain. Finding the ability with God’s help to be still in your loneliness is not a remedy for loneliness—you will still feel lonely—but if you learn to trust God with your loneliness, meet it head on, and manage it responsibly, it won’t dictate or drive your decisions.
Rebound relationships are a good example of loneliness at the steering wheel. After the loss of a significant relationship, it’s common to feel as if you’ve fallen into a pit of pain. One reason people rebound into a new relationship is that it functions as a ladder to help them climb out of their pain. Unfortunately, the drive to get out of the pit is so strong that it blinds people to the weaknesses of the ladder and the fact that they are using this person to medicate their pain. In the end, the weak ladder—a pseudo-relationship at best—crumbles, and you (and your children) fall again into the pit of pain.
To truly move out of your pain, you must first sit in it. You must recognize your hurt, your loneliness, your despair and call out to God for help as you walk through it. This is an excruciating process for many, especially those who have had divorce thrust upon them, but there’s no other healthy way to manage the pit and keep it from creating vulnerability in your life. You can’t sidestep the pit.
How will you know when you are relaxing in your aloneness? When you recognize your loneliness but don’t need to find another person; when you can choose to enjoy the good parts of your life without feeling that they could be better if you just had a person to share them with; when you aren’t overwhelmed by a profound sense of failure or inadequacy; and when fear, guilt, and discontent don’t control your decisions or push you to search for a partner, but you instead devote time to exploring and understanding your fear, guilt, and discontent. Then you are relaxing in your aloneness.
Since losing my son Connor, I can’t tell you how isolated our family has been (most folks don’t like to hang around grieving parents) or how many times I’ve been tempted to quit my job, sell the house, and disappear on the other side of the planet somewhere. After a few years of continuous heavy sorrow, sometimes you just want to chuck it all and quit life. The temptation to rapidly climb out of the pit of pain is very real for me.
But where would that leave me? In denial, emotionally lost, spiritually vulnerable, and addicted to the agent of my quick fix, I suspect. So instead of letting my pain dictate my journey out of the pit, I’ve decided to sit in the pit and feel it. Every single bit of it. Yes, I cut myself a break every now and then and allow myself a pity party, but I refuse to let the pit control my life. I decline to make rash decisions on a really bad day. And I actively rebuff any temptation for a quick fix to my emotional pain. To do so would be to stunt my growth and become foolish, I’m sure.
Trust God
I’m choosing instead to sit in the pit and take God with me. I cry out to him, talk with him, and question him. And I listen . . . and sometimes, though not as often as I would like, he speaks. “Be still and know that I am God,” he reminds. “I can be trusted with the things of this life that you will never have the privilege of understanding until heaven,” he consoles. I know that is true. And so I rest in the pit. And so can you. The first steps to finding emotional readiness for dating are to rest in the pit you’re in, trust God with what you don’t understand, and look into the mirror he provides. Then and only then can you grow with his wisdom.
Explore Your Emotional History
An often hidden aspect of emotional readiness stems from our family of origin and relational history. It’s one thing to ponder how your first love has impacted who you are now, but it’s another to consider the relational patterns that persist throughout your life. Like threads that are woven into a fabric, relationship patterns create the narrative of our lives and heavily influence our thoughts, behaviors, emotional responses, and choices.
Cindy was bitter. “Men are pigs,” she said. And then she connected the dots for me. Cindy’s grandfather was a hard-working, happy-all-the-time drunk. As a young child she loved being around him because he was so jovial. As a young woman she realized how much his family despised him because, although he was responsible enough to provide for the family financially, his love affair with alcohol made him functionally absent from their lives. He was home all the time, but never there. Cindy’s father, just like his father, left the family. When she was sixteen, her father left the home one day and never came back. “He had been in my life every day until then,” she explained, “and then he was gone forever.” Then came her first husband, who followed suit and left her for another woman when she was pregnant. For five years she lived as a single mom with no support. “Men are pigs; you can’t trust them.” Most recently she met Winston, fell in love, and married him within a year. Despite being warned by friends, it was only after she married him that she noticed that he catered to his ex-wife, who was demanding and controlling of his children. Believe it or not, Cindy never saw the relational pattern of irresponsible men in her life until I spelled it out for her. Neither did she understand her part in perpetuating the pattern by the men she chose, nor the blinders she put on while dating them.
You must—if you intend to ever have a relationship different from the ones you’ve had before—reflect on your relational history and ask the question What does this tell me about me? This isn’t intended to cast blame for all the bad things that have happened in your life, but to simply notice what the narrative of your life says about you.
These questions are crucial to finding emotional readiness for dating. Finding the right person who will love you just as you desire is not the answer to resolving the You issue. You must deal with you long before you try to get someone else to deal with you. If you are having difficulty with this, consider sitting down with a family therapist who will conduct a genogram with you. A genogram is a family map that helps someone explore their relationship history, spiritual legacy, and emotional well-being. It can be a very insightful process and help you to move out of unhealthy relationship ruts and cope with emotional bruises.
Timing Issues
I’ve got a hard truth for you. If it ain’t over, it ain’t over—and even if it’s over, it ain’t over. Let me explain.
Pam was positive that her boyfriend’s marriage was over. Gary, who had been married for a total of nine years, had been separated for the last two and a half years. When Pam and Gary met, she was reluctant at first to date him, since his divorce was not final. Gary reassured her that his feelings for his soon-to-be ex-wife had ended long ago, and the only reason he was still married was because she was emotionally unstable and stubborn. She was contesting the divorce yet all the while living with a new boyfriend. “It’s just her bitterness,” he shared apologetically. “That’s the only reason we aren’t divorced. She shacked up with her boyfriend a few months ago, so she has obviously moved on—and as far as I’m concerned, it’s over.”
Something in Pam made her hesitant to date Gary, but his explanation and genuine interest in her lessened her defenses. Before long, Pam was dating Gary on a regular basis. But the marriage wasn’t really over. About six months later, Gary’s wife kicked out her boyfriend and had a change of heart. She let Gary know that she was interested in getting back together. Ironically, it was Pam who had wisdom enough to advise Gary to consider it. Pam’s parents had divorced when she was a child, and she knew how hard it was to grow up with a stepparent. She urged him to explore the possibility of reconciliation even though it meant she and he would have to stop dating.
Pam and I processed the experience together. She learned that almost over is not the same as over. Rather than a clearly defined relationship environment, a not-yet ending offers ambiguity, which is really bad for starting something new. Pam also recognized:
Pam was only shooting herself in the foot (or should I say heart?) by dating him. It ain’t over till it’s over. Now here’s part two: Even when it’s over, it ain’t over.
Divorce may be the end of love, but divorce also includes the persistence of attachment. In my first book, The Smart Stepfamily, I shared this key principle to understanding the ongoing relationship between ex-spouses: Divorce doesn’t end family life, it only reorganizes it.
This truth has two aspects to it. First, couple interactional patterns that occur before a divorce usually continue after the divorce, as well. A man who catered to his ex-wife’s ideas about parenting typically keeps catering well after they have divorced and set up two separate households. A woman who is critical and condescending toward her husband tends to be angry and picky well after their divorce. These patterns only change if one or both ex-spouses mature as individuals, accept how they negatively contributed to the end of the relationship, and choose to behave in different ways. The irony, of course, is that when exes are stuck in old interactional ruts, they keep their emotional attachments alive. This can hamper the development of new relationships. New love is much freer to mature when it is unencumbered by old emotional attachments.
A second aspect of this truth is that divorce doesn’t end the job of parenting, it just reorganizes it. Two people who share a child never stop being in relationship with each other (we call them co-parents), and new partners must accept this. Even if their marriage is over, their parenting relationship isn’t. In practical terms, this means that stepparents sometimes get vetoed out of decision making, have to deal with unfair financial arrangements, and have to confront the fear that ex-spouse parent-talk could easily slip into former spouse love-talk.
If you or the person you date cannot cope with the powerlessness this sometimes brings, the “always second, never first” nature of your relationship, or the related “you’re not my mom/dad” stiff-arm from a stepchild, then you are in for a world of discouragement and distress and should back away from dating. I can’t tell you how many newly married stepparents have said to me, “I don’t know what I was thinking, but I just assumed that once we got married, his/her ex wouldn’t interfere with our family. I thought it would just be us.” Nothing could be further from reality. When kids are involved, marriage is a package deal. And the package includes exes and co-parenting in addition to the kids. If you can’t marry the package, don’t marry the person.
The larger point here is to pay attention to the timing of new relationships and not downplay the significance of ongoing attachments. Don’t think you or a dating partner can skip adequate grieving and jump untouched and unscathed into a new relationship. Timing matters because it either contributes clarity and definition to the relationship, or it offers ambiguity and confusion; make sure it is the former.
So how long should someone wait after a death or divorce before dating again? I’m asked that question all the time by the media and single parents. I used to give them a definitive answer: Wait at least two years before dating. To be honest, I now consider that response inadequate and a bit arrogant. I thought I could give a one-size-fits-all response, but life, research, and experience has taught me that I can’t. Timelines are misleading (they give a false sense of security) and deceiving (I know lots of people who aren’t ready to date after five years!). No one can tell you how much time you need to mature or whether someone is ready to date. Now, having said that, I feel the need to offer this caution: In general, a quick turnaround is not conducive to wise relationship decision making. Rather, make time your friend. Use it to seek stability in your life, grow as a Christ-follower, and continually work toward a collaborative co-parenting relationship with your ex—and look for the same in whomever you date. People who rush into dating are usually running from something.
Gap Worries
Let me speak frankly to a vulnerability that weighs heavily on the hearts of many single parents. You care deeply for your children; that’s why you want to fill any emotional and financial gaps they may have. For example, single moms who don’t have the income potential they desire may feel great pressure to find a provider for the family. And parents who want their children to grow up in a home with both a mom and a dad may try to fill the gap with a man or woman willing to play the role. This gap worry is especially acute when a child openly asks for a dad or mom and the other biological parent is deceased or is MIA. Such gaps are undeniable. But replacement dating to give your child a two-parent home with a larger income is never a good idea.
Michelle has some gap worries. “Because I have a son, I feel strongly about getting married so that he will have a good, strong Christian male in his life so he can learn how to be a man and a godly leader. My son’s father lives twelve hours away, so the only time he gets to spend with another male is when his grandparents keep him (about once every other month, which isn’t much). I want my son to grow up in a two-parent home.” Michelle’s worries are understandable, but here’s something she—and you—must comprehend. Even if Michelle marries, she is not giving her son a two-parent home. She would instead be giving her son a parent-stepparent home. They are not the same.
Yes, stepfamilies can be redemptive, loving, healthy environments for children. And yes, as I’ve written elsewhere, blended families have many rewards, such as providing children with positive marital role models, more stable economic conditions, and psychological healing from the negative impact of divorce.[15] But you can never fully restore the emotional process of a biological family; a parent-stepparent home does not equal a biological two-parent home. If it did, the outcome measures of child well-being would be similar for children of stepfamilies and biological homes. They aren’t.
Findings from a national survey by the National Center for Health Statistics reveal considerable differences between children raised in nuclear families and those raised in single-parent families, blended, cohabiting, or extended families. Children in biological homes are generally healthier, have better access to health care, and are less likely to have definite or severe emotional or behavioral difficulties. Specifically, children in blended families do about as well as children in single-parent families on most outcome measures of well-being.[16] The point is this: Marrying someone just to fill the gaps in your child’s life isn’t wise.
Upon hearing this perspective, some single parents feel discouraged, as if I’m saying they would be wrong to date. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Other single parents feel relieved when they hear this viewpoint because they realize there’s no pressure to get married. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Don’t let guilt or worry be your motivation toward marriage. Marry someone, not as a replacement parent, but because you love them and believe they will help you raise your kids in the Lord. Until that person comes along, raising your children as a single parent is a viable option.
Relational Roadblocks, Blindness, and Bitterness
Being blind to issues in a relationship is very different from being bitter over a previous one, but they have a similar function: neither brings wisdom or discernment about a new relationship. Relationship roadblocks just stop you in your tracks.
Ginny was blind. “Before we married, my husband and I did not seek out education on being a blended family because we didn’t realize that it would be hard. Now, seven years into our marriage, I wish that we would have.”
Kari also had a blind spot—about her child. She called Smart Stepfamilies after hearing me on a radio interview. Kari’s daughter Bonnie (age twenty-five) fully resented her mother’s remarriage three years after her father died in a car accident. Kari thought she had waited long enough but now realizes she missed a big yellow flag. “My daughter never talked about her dad’s death. My son did, but Bonnie never wanted to talk about it. Now I’m three years in and I’m about to give up on having a blended family.”
Courtney had a bruise on her heart from a previous relationship that blocked her from moving forward. “I love reading your e-magazine. I’m recently divorced and not nearly ready for another marriage for some time, but I do want to educate myself, because that may happen at some point. I was married for four years and have two children. My ghost is trust. My ex-husband consistently lied to me and had an affair. I find it very difficult to trust right now. I want to trust and fall in love again, but I’m very cautious and taking my time.” Notice that Courtney is not blind to her roadblock trust issue—that is a huge plus. Yet she still has to deal with it.
And finally, do you remember Cindy, who decided after being abandoned by her grandfather, father, and first husband that “all men are pigs”? She was bitter, blind, and blocked. But can you blame her? Look, there is no condemnation for those who are hurt and, therefore, hesitant to move into another relationship, but you can’t stay there. Whether you are going to date or not, dealing with your pain is critical to finding healthy living, becoming an effective parent, and perhaps, finding readiness for a new relationship. Recognize and deal with your stuff. Listen to trusted friends who can see into your blind spots. And then have the courage to face what you find.
I’ll never forget the following post to SmartStepfamilies.com, because the unnamed writer impressed me with her courage. See if you agree.
My fiancé and I attended your conference in Dallas a year ago. We had been together almost a year and thought we had the perfect union and that it was time to blend our kids. After attending such an informative and discussion-provoking conference, we both knew that we weren’t ready for marriage. Our kids weren’t ready, either. We were in love with being in love and weren’t thinking of how this would affect our kids. Your conference opened our eyes to how our kids’ lives would be affected, and I am forever grateful. We broke off our engagement shortly thereafter and are both thankful that we had such wise counsel and good tools to help us in our decision-making process. As much as it hurt to say good-bye to each other, we do have the peace to know that it was the right decision.
I would encourage anyone who is thinking of getting married and blending their children to RUN to this conference and also read your books NOW. You will walk away either knowing that you are really ready for this huge commitment, or that you have more to work on. Thank you so much for helping us. God’s best to you!
—Forever Grateful in Texas
Now this is a couple with objectivity to see their bitterness, roadblocks, and blind spots when pointed out and the courage to face them head on. Preserving their fantasy relationship was not their priority; considering what was best for their children, families, and future was. Doing so steered them toward dissolving the relationship (that certainly won’t always be the end result for others) and they embraced it. Likewise, if you find that you or the person you’re dating is not emotionally ready for dating, I pray that you can bow out with courage and grace.
Discussion Questions
1. How does the recommendation that you stop worrying about whether you’re ready to date and stop trying to discern whether the kids are ready for you to date, and instead “try it and see what happens” help take the pressure off? How does it inform what you should expect of yourself in dating?
2. Write out or share how you would know beyond a shadow of a doubt if you weren’t ready to date.
3. How are you “relaxing in your aloneness”? How about the person you’re dating?
4. List the relational patterns that persist throughout your life (family of origin and previous relationships). What themes rise to the surface, and how have they impacted your life and relationship choices so far? Consider these questions:
5. What are the implications of this statement for you: If it ain’t over, it ain’t over—and even if it’s over, it ain’t over.
6. What gap worries (concerns that you believe only another adult can fill for your kids) have you had?
7. Review the roadblocks, blinders, and bitterness expressed by Ginny, Kari, Courtney, and Cindy. Can you see yourself in any of their descriptions?