Introduction: Striving for Love
[1]. Justin Rocket Silverman, “Something Old, Something New: After 30 year courtship, a bride keeps a promise on groom’s 100th birthday,” The Daily, Monday, May 2, 2011, www.thedaily.com/page/2011/05/02/050211-news-old-folks-1-3/.
[2]. Belinda Luscombe, “Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution,” Time, November 18, 2010, www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2032116-2,00.html.
[3]. Christians definitely believe in marriage—even after divorce. One study found that conservative and mainline Protestants are more likely to remarry after divorce than those with no religious affiliation. And the more important religion is to a person and the more they attend worship, the more likely they were to remarry (S. M. Brown, “Religion and Remarriage Among American Women: Evidence From the National Survey of Family Growth,” (master’s thesis, Mississippi State University, 2007), http://www.openthesis.org/documents/Religion-remarriage-among-american-women-384370.html
[4]. I’m grateful to author and speaker Laura Petherbridge for this insight. Personal communication, October 21, 2011.
Chapter 1: Dating in a Crowd: Dating With Purpose
[5]. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, “The State of Our Unions 2001: The Social Health of Marriage in America,” report published by Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey, June 2001, www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/SOOU2001.pdf.
[6]. Michael Lawrence, “Stop Test Driving Your Girlfriend,” Boundless.org, April 8, 2010, www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001306.cfm.
[7]. Scott Croft, “Biblical Dating: An Introduction,” Boundless webzine, November 2006, www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001401.cfm.
[8]. Previously unpublished data from the National Survey of Couples Creating Stepfamilies project by David H. Olson and Ron L. Deal.
[9]. E. M. Hetherington and J. Kelly, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2002), 197.
Chapter 2: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Am I Ready to Date?
[10]. See Webster’s Dictionary: www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/recover.
[11]. See 1 Corinthians 7:10–11. Paul urges couples not to divorce, but if they do, to reconcile or remain unmarried. Also, in Matthew 19 when asked by the Pharisees if Jesus subscribed to an “any cause” divorce, Jesus’ first response clearly communicates that he was not interested in validating the reasons people give to divorce, he was only interested in upholding God’s original intent that husband and wife remain one. In other words, husbands and wives remaining together in a God-honoring, mutually loving relationship is valued by God.
[12]. Please note that many abusive partners will use spiritual guilt to try to manipulate a spouse into coming back, blaming the victim for leaving the marriage when, in reality, it was the abusive partner who “left” the marriage by breaking their vows to love, honor, and cherish long before the divorce.
[13]. Trusted author Laura Petherbridge includes a discussion of forgiveness and reconciliation in her book When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”: Practical Steps for Healing During Separation & Divorce (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2008).
[14]. The Bible on Divorce and Remarriage. I believe that Christians should strive to rightly handle the Bible and receive it as the infallible Word of God for our lives. I also believe that we can trust God to look out for our best interests (even when Scripture is confronting our choices and behavior). Therefore, understanding God’s will for divorced people as it relates to remarriage is to gain wisdom for how to live. I wish I could easily summarize for you what the Bible teaches about divorce and remarriage. I can’t. I’m just not that smart. There have been a number of scholarly works done on the subject of marriage, divorce, and remarriage in Scripture. They are quite extensive and interesting to read (and I suggest you read at least a couple). But here’s the problem: The scholars don’t agree. Read three books and you’re likely to end up with three different conclusions about what Scripture teaches, not to mention the implications for your situation. Talk to three pastors and again, you’ll likely end up with three different opinions, at least on certain details. It really is a confusing topic of study.
So instead of sharing my understanding of Scripture on this matter let me make the most practical suggestion I can. Part of being a Christian is walking through life with a group of Christians; we call it church. I hope you’re a part of one, because it is there that we encourage, support, and hold each other accountable as we live as Christ-followers. And it is there that you can gain understanding from the pastoral team as to their expectations for how you manage your spiritual responsibilities as a divorced person. You need to do your own study of divorce and remarriage in Scripture, but you also need to walk out your choices in community with others and under the guidance of your local church. If you are part of a local church, you have submitted yourself to their leadership and should seriously consider their teaching about divorce and remarriage. I realize different churches teach different things, but our call as Christians is not to shop for the church that tells us what we want to hear, but to receive the wise counsel of Scripture. If your understanding does not match that of your pastor, don’t immediately reject his, but do continue to seek guidance from other spiritual leaders as you search out God’s heart for your circumstances.
Chapter 3: Ready or Not, Here I Come: The Readiness Factors
[15]. Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily: Sevens Steps to a Healthy Family (Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, 2006), 25–30.
[16]. D. L. Blackwell, “Family structure and children’s health in the United States: Findings from the National Health Interview Survey,” Vital Health Stat 10 (2001–2007): 2010.
Chapter 4: The Fear Factor: Preparing Yourself and the Kids for Dating
[17]. Leigh Baker, Protecting Your Children From Sexual Predators (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2002), 16.
Chapter 5: Kid Fears and Dating Considerations
[18]. Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2003), 280–282.
Chapter 6: Finding Love in All the Right Places . . . and in All the Right Ways
[19]. Helen Fisher, “The Brain: How We Fall in Love, and How We Stay Together,” Family Therapy Magazine, May/June, 2011, 23.
[20]. How Honest Are You on Social Networking Sites? Poll results reported in USA Today, Friday, September 30, 2011.
Chapter 7: Yellow Light. Red Light. Green Light.
[21]. S. Browning, “Why Didn’t Our Two Years of Dating Make the Remarriage Easier?” Stepfamilies (Summer 2000), 6.
[22]. Learn the signs of an abuser at www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/abuser.
[23]. Daniel Wile, After the Honeymoon (Oakland, CA: Wile Publications, 1988), 12.
[24]. John M. Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples (New York: W.W. Norton, 2011), 25.
[25]. Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New York: Seabury Books, 2007), 211.
[26]. W. Bradford Wilcox, PhD, “Why Marriage Matters: An Argument for the Goods of Marriage,” online video, August 16, 2011, www.centerforpublicconversation.org/events/v/wmm-20110816.php (accessed 8-26-11).
[27]. David Olson and Amy Olson-Sigg, “Overview of Cohabitation Research: For Use with PREPARE-CC,” (Minneapolis: Life Innovations, Inc., 2005).
[28]. M. M. Sweeney, “Remarriage and Stepfamilies: Strategic Sites for Family Scholarship in the 21st Century,” Journal of Marriage and Family 72 (2010): 667–684.
[29]. A. J. Cherlin, The Marriage-go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2009), 18–24.
[30]. S. M. Stanley, G. K. Rhoades, and F. D. Fincham, “Understanding romantic relationships among emerging adults: The significant roles of cohabitation and ambiguity” in F. D. Fincham and M. Cui (eds.) Romantic Relationships in Emerging Adulthood (Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press, 2010), 234–251.
[31]. L. Waite and M. Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially (New York: Doubleday, 2000).
[32]. Ibid.
[33]. Ibid.
[34]. Ibid.
[35]. Stanley, Rhoades, and Fincham.
[36]. Ibid.
[37]. D. Popenoe and B. Whitehead, “Should we live together? What young adults need to know about cohabitation before marriage,” The National Marriage Project, New Brunswick, NJ, 1999.
[38]. Ibid.
[39]. This finding by Dr. Scott Stanley is highly significant because it makes women, in particular, vulnerable to men who aren’t fully committed to the relationship. Men need to make a clear decision for marriage, not slide into it and later feel unsure of their commitment. See Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding vs. deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 55, 499–509.
[40]. Stanley, Rhoades, and Fincham.
Chapter 8: Going Deeper
[41]. Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Dutton, 2011), 192.
[42]. Gottman, 176–201.
[43]. Ibid., 193.
[44]. Marjorie Smith, “Resident Mothers in Stepfamilies” in The International Handbook of Stepfamilies: Policy and Practice in Legal, Research, and Clinical Environment, Jan Pryor (ed.), (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley and Sons, Inc., 2008), 163.
Chapter 9: Re-Engage? Decisions About Marriage
[45]. Gottman, 174–175.
Chapter 10: Preparing for a Good Blend
[46]. Samuel Johnson, quote referenced February 2012, www.samueljohnson.com/marriage.html#89.
[47]. Ron L. Deal and David H. Olson, PhD, The Remarriage Checkup: Tools to Help Your Marriage Last a Lifetime (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House, 2010).
[48]. Claire Cartwright, “Resident Parent-Child Relationships in Stepfamilies,” in Jan Pryor (ed.), The International Handbook of Stepfamilies: Policy and Practice in Legal, Research, and Clinical Environments (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc, 2008), 215.
[49]. Ibid., 212.
[50]. Ibid., 213.
[51]. Ibid., 215–216.
[52]. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily, 69–70.
[53]. S. M. Stanley, P. R. Amato, C. A. Johnson, and H. J. Markman, “Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: Findings from a large, random household survey,” Journal of Family Psychology 20, no. 1 (2006): 117–126.
[54]. J. S. Carroll and W. J. Doherty, “Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta-analytic review of outcome research,” Family Relations 52, (2003): 105–118.
Appendix 2: Sample Purity Pledge
[55]. Adapted from Preparing for Marriage: Discover God’s Plan for a Lifetime of Love by David Boehi, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte, and Lloyd Shadrach (Ventura, CA: Gospel Light Publications, 2010), 99.
[56]. Joan Kahn and Kathryn London, “Premarital Sex and the Risk of Divorce,” Journal of Marriage and Family 53 (1991): 845–855.