My ex-boyfriend used to talk about what he liked about his ex-girlfriend’s body. That would be why he’s my ex-boyfriend.
Gail
Choose your rut carefully. You’ll be in it for the next 200 miles.
Road sign in Alaska
Troy and Meredith had been dating off and on for six years. They had lived together for a time, but were separated when they came to their first session. Both had been married before, but only Meredith had children. “We’re trying to figure out if we have anything to salvage,” they shared. “We love each other but just don’t seem to like each other very much.” I immediately thought of the research I shared in chapter 1 about couples who date longer than five years having more relationship issues than other couples. I thought, It’s likely both for some reason are afraid of being hurt. Sure enough, I was right. Troy and Meredith had some core trust issues that resulted in a merry-go-round, on-and-off relationship with neither feeling confident about the future.
Troy had lead Meredith to the Lord early in their relationship, and while he saw many changes in her behavior, he couldn’t help but fear her chaotic childhood and how it had turned her to drugs at one point in her life. Even though she had been clean for four years, he told me she still had an addictive personality and he just couldn’t trust her.
Still trying to manage her addiction temptations, Meredith was afraid of herself, her history of poor choices, and Troy. “I am so grateful that he brought me to the Lord,” she shared, “but he has slept with me ever since. How can I respect him on Sunday when he presses me for sex on Saturday?”
Both Troy and Meredith were seeing some yellow caution lights. Now what do they do?
Traffic Lights
Traffic lights are meant for our safety. Flashing yellow lights alert us to take caution in moving forward. They demand that we slow down and take a careful look before proceeding. Once our hesitations are satisfied, we can move forward with greater confidence. Red lights, however, demand that we stop. And there’s always good reason to stop at a red light, even if we can’t immediately see it. Running it will likely result in being broadsided.
In dating there are two kinds of yellow and red lights: general and specific. General ones are usually true for all couples and tend to have more to do with circumstances or dynamics beyond your control. The openness of children to a future stepparent or how quickly someone begins dating after a breakup is a good example. Specific lights have to do with, for example, opposing personality characteristics in you and the person you are dating or contrasting values.
Troy and Meredith were experiencing specific flashing yellow lights and thankfully were not ignoring them. Despite how intertwined their lives had become over the past six years (which diminishes objectivity and makes us nearsighted), they were heeding the yellow lights and slowing down to ask the hard questions.
You should do the same.
This chapter does not present an exhaustive list of yellow and red lights. Some have already been presented. For example, dating someone who is not a Christ-follower is a red light; so is dating someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Likewise, a yellow light flashes when you realize the other person is a poor parent (chapter 6), and a red one lights up if your, your children’s, or your dating partner’s fears are making trust impossible (chapters 4 and 5). We’ve already started the list; add these to it.
Flashing Yellow Lights
Here are some common flashing yellow lights that should be heeded. After slowing down to take a good look around, check your level of confidence in the situation to see if the yellow light has turned green or red.
General Caution: Dating Is Inconsistent With Actual Blended Family Living[21]
This flashing yellow light essentially translates again into the “slow down” message. A lot of couple harmony during dating makes the road ahead appear clear and safe, but once you top the hill of marriage, you’ll likely find some road hazards on the other side. Nearly everyone does.
Paul and Brenda know exactly what I’m talking about. Paul is senior pastor of a large metropolitan church in the Midwest. He had a wonderful twenty-seven-year marriage to his first wife, Karen, who tragically died of cancer. About a year before Karen passed away, one of Paul’s best friends, Terry, died of cancer, as well. Terry’s wife of twenty-five years, Brenda, had graciously cared for him throughout his battle with cancer. Six months after Karen’s death and eighteen months after Terry’s death, Paul and Brenda began dating. Paul had four children ranging from their early teens to mid-twenties, and Brenda had three children in the late teens and mid-twenties. After dating for less than a year, Paul and Brenda made plans to marry.
Five years into their remarriage, Paul asked me to come and speak to his congregation. A weekend stepfamily conference gave me the opportunity to hear more of their story and meet their friends Pamela and Allen, who were dating (both with children from previous marriages).
What fascinated me was the behind-the-scenes advice and coaching Paul and Brenda had given their friends Pamela and Allen. Before I share their advice, please understand that both Paul and Brenda are very high-functioning people and parents. They both had very good first marriages, both are educated professionals, and both had had success and joy in raising their children before their spouses passed away. In addition, since becoming widowed, they were quite intentional in grieving well and helping their children move through the loss of their parent. And since marrying and becoming a blended family, Paul and Brenda had led a stepfamily enrichment group at their church for a few years.
Despite all that, five years into their marriage, their blended family experience continued to be stressful and difficult. Their advice to their friends: Proceed with caution. One night over dinner I was honored to listen in as Paul and Brenda candidly shared with Pamela and Allen their newfound perspective about dating and becoming a blended family. “We love each other dearly, but if we had it to do all over again, we might not have gotten married at all.” Paul and Brenda had by experience come face-to-face with the truth that coupleness does not equal familyness, and their 20/20 hindsight advice to their friends was direct and straightforward: Don’t rush into marriage. Make sure you are ready to marry the entire package that comes along with the person you have fallen in love with, or don’t marry—and even if you are ready, keep in mind that there’s no guarantee that doing so is best, convenient, or a blessing for your kids. In other words, their advice was to step very carefully into a stepfamily because the love felt between the couple before the wedding does not predict family harmony after the wedding.
Sounds negative and discouraging, huh? Well, that depends on what you do with it. Pamela and Allen took their friends’ advice to heart and delayed their wedding for well over a year so they could be more sensitive to the needs of their children and more adequately deepen their couple relationship before deciding for sure to marry. I caught up with Pamela sometime later and asked her to reflect on the advice they had received and their dating journey; here’s what she shared:
Allen and I both affirm that waiting has enriched our relationship and allowed time for valuable relationship bridges to be built with our kids. This has also given our kids time to get used to the idea of our families eventually merging. Another hidden blessing of all this is that by the time we do marry, we will have a nearly empty nest (only one teenager left at home). Even so, I have concerns about what holidays will look like for our families.
I must say, the waiting time has allowed us to move beyond the euphoric infatuation stage into the nitty-gritty hard places of loving each other. Facing those things before marriage is certainly healthier, enabling us to move forward without rose-colored glasses (to whatever degree that is possible). As I always tell my clients [Pamela is a licensed counselor herself], “Rose-colored glasses make red flags look pink!”
Amen, sister. Amen.
General Caution: A Quick Turnaround
Do you remember in chapter 1 my discussion of the pit of pain and how it pushes us toward relationships, often without discernment? Dating someone who has recently gone through a painful experience but is now eager to be with you is dangerous. Their desperation and loneliness are flashing yellow lights. Perhaps they are still finalizing their divorce, just a few months past the death of a spouse, or recently broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and haven’t let time be their healing friend. They are on the rebound and will likely bounce you into pain, too.
General Caution: Pressured to Marry and Willing to Accommodate
If you or the person you are dating is being pressured by friends and family members to marry, take a step back. Unfortunately, Christians can be the worst about this. Well-intentioned mothers, for example, who want their daughters to marry and have babies can push them to lower their standards and get hitched. Obviously, this adds undue pressure to the process of dating and sabotages discernment.
Specific Caution: Pornography Use
The easy availability of pornography today means that dating parents should assume that anyone they date, male or female, has had some exposure to pornography. The question you should ask is not “Have you ever seen porn?” but “How much porn have you viewed?” I hate to say it, but if your dating partner claims they have never seen it, invite them to be more candid. “Honestly, I find that hard to believe. I want us to be able to share our temptations with each other, so I need you to be honest with me. If you’d like to revise your answer I’d appreciate it.” The impact of porn can derail a marriage; you need to know what you’re getting into. If they have ever habitually used pornography, this yellow light turns red.
Specific Caution: Character Issues
We all have failings and faults and dare I say character issues. Be sure to manage your own, and have both eyes open when it comes to seeing the other’s. For example, some people are neat freaks who need their bed made, dishes put away, and toilet seats down before leaving the house. Others are obsessive compulsives who require that the floor be scrubbed with a mop each day, that Lysol be sprayed anytime someone sneezes, and can’t walk out of a room—or let you walk out of the room—without checking twelve times that the light was turned off. Living with the first is one thing, the second something totally different.
Here are a few character matters not to ignore:
The nature of falling in love is to minimize these matters. As time allows the anesthetic of romance to wear off, objectively ask yourself, since many of them probably won’t change, whether you are willing to live with these or not.
Specific Caution: A Difficult or Unbelieving Ex-Spouse
We’ve already talked about the lack of wisdom of yoking oneself to an unbeliever, but why does it matter if their ex-spouse is an unbeliever? An unbelieving ex means your stepchildren will have many contrasting moral messages that will impact their behavior and attitudes. It may also be a sour and depressing dynamic for your spouse (who may feel frustrated in parenting their children and guilty about enjoying yours) and a constant “thorn in the flesh” to your family unit (e.g., if the children make decisions that bring about heartache). Plus it means your children may be exposed to many ungodly influences (a spiritual Trojan horse) that you cannot control. It is one thing to send our kids out into the world; it’s another to bring the world directly to them. It also means that prodigal living and parental heartbreak are more likely for all the children (which can be stressful on a marriage).
Brian and Linda didn’t get any pre-stepfamily counseling because they thought they didn’t have any issues with his children or their relationship. He had two girls ages nine and thirteen who loved getting to know Linda over their year-and-a-half dating period. “The girls made comments like, ‘When are you two going to get married?’ ” she shared. It all seemed to be working out so well. But the moment they mentioned marriage, Brian’s ex-wife went to work creating chaos. An angry alcoholic, she took the couple to court multiple times, costing them well over $50,000, every dime they had in savings. It was one nightmare after another.
This type of situation often makes us protest, “It’s hard enough finding someone; it isn’t fair that an ex should have that much impact on whether you date them or not!” or “But I’m not marrying them.” You’re right. But you are marrying the package, remember? Marriage to a divorced person means getting a mother-in-law, a father-in-law, and an ex-spouse-in-law. Therefore, you better weigh the consequences for you and your kids before doing so.
Specific Caution: Personality Differences
There’s a maddening dynamic about the interplay of personalities. Before marriage, opposites attract, but after marriage opposites attack.
She was attracted to him because he was predictable and well-intentioned. A quiet, reserved man, he brought stability to her life. He loved that she knew how to have a good time. Well liked by many friends, she taught him how to laugh and be spontaneous. Now that they are married, many of their enduring disagreements center on these very issues. She accuses him of being boring, and he gets tired of her losing her car keys. She agrees to budget spending limits but then buys something on a whim; to keep them out of the poorhouse he feels like he has to parent her spending and she feels controlled by it.
The more your personality traits are similar, the easier it is to live with someone; the more different they are, the harder it is. As one insightful therapist noted, when you choose a partner, you are choosing a set of problems for life![23] (That reminds me of a sign seen beside an Alaskan highway that reads, “Choose your rut carefully. You’ll be in it for the next 200 miles.”) And since personality differences are the seed for many perpetual conflicts in marriage (69 percent of conflicts are about issues that will remain with the couple throughout their lives[24]), you better see clearly how the personality of the other intersects with yours. How can you do that?
To obtain a Voucher Code for your free Individual Profile, call the PREPARE/ENRICH office (CST 8:00 to 4:30) at 800-331-1661. Then go to: www.smartstepfamilies.com and take the survey. The SCOPE section of the couple report will give you insight into your personalities and how they intersect. In addition, my book The Remarriage Checkup, coauthored with Dr. David Olson, discusses in depth how personalities harmonize or collide in marriage.
Personality differences are a double-edged sword. On one hand, they challenge us to grow as we realize our selfishness and how it impacts the other. On the other hand, extreme differences present repetitive occasions for conflict. Proceed with caution.
Specific Caution: Attempts to Meddle in the Other Person’s Parent-Child Relationship
Sometimes future stepparents believe they can improve or modify the relationship between their dating partner and their child(ren). But beware: Nothing will sabotage a remarriage more quickly than one partner trying to rearrange the relationship of the other person and their child.[25] Meddling only results in polarization and conflict. This is the cardinal sin of blended families and will likely result in failure. Don’t do it and don’t attach yourself to someone who tries.
Red Stoplights
In case you’ve forgotten, a flashing yellow light means proceed with caution. A red light means stop!
“Let’s Hurry and Get Married!”
I realize that “My life is complete now that I’ve met you. I can’t live without you, let’s get married . . . today!” makes for a great romance novel, but rarely does it make for a lifelong love. Don’t be smitten by someone’s strong desire to skip the process of dating (and, therefore, the process of discovering your fit, or lack thereof, as a couple and family). This usually indicates the person is desperate, insecure, and emotionally fragile—plus, it increases the chance that the children will feel thrown under the bus and resentful of the marriage.
Extreme Differences in Parenting
In the last chapter I noted that when adults have very different parenting styles, the marriage and family suffer (in particular when both adults bring children to the marriage). In my experience as a family therapist working with stepfamilies since 1993, I would say that this dynamic is the most common saboteur of blended marriages. Given that, it seems necessary to plainly repeat the caution here: Stop dating someone if you can’t see eye to eye on parenting. I’ll say more about this in chapter 8.
Someone Who Can’t on Occasion Sit in the Backseat
Have you ever tried to have a friendship or relationship with someone who demanded to be the center of attention all the time? It’s not much fun, huh? In a stepfamily, this same person will whine to no end.
I’ve often said that a blended family is no place for thin-skinned people. It’s also not a place for adults who need to be at the center of the family (I like to call them “center babies”). Everyone in a stepfamily has to take the backseat every once in a while (especially stepparents); doing so helps bring grace to undefined relationships. It’s pretty common for people to feel jealous and left out occasionally, but center babies won’t put up with it and will attempt to control or manipulate the other relationships in the home to become the center of attention. If you find yourself dating this person, run for the hills.
Horrible Ex
If a difficult ex-spouse is a yellow light, a horrible ex is a red one. You have to decide which it is. Katy wrote to me saying, “My boyfriend has three boys ages eleven, nine, and four. Every time we make plans, their mom creates some sort of chaos and our plans have to change. I’m sure she does it on purpose.” I’m sure you’re right, Katy. And if you think it’s bad now . . . wait till you get married.
Pseudo-Commitment: Settling for Cohabitation
Cohabitation has become so common it has changed the way people date. In many circles it is assumed that dating couples will eventually live together on their way to marriage. In fact, living together for many is considered another way to gauge the seriousness of the relationship; first you live together, then you get engaged. But is cohabitation healthy? No, it’s not. Even dating someone who advocates for it is a red light. Let me make my case.
There is a great deal of research and debate today about the pros and cons of cohabiting. Of course, there is a spiritual side to this conversation related to sex outside of marriage, but since I’ve addressed that elsewhere (see chapter 6), I’d like to focus the conversation here on what social science has to say about cohabitation. Let’s examine whether couple and family research lines up with God’s wisdom for our lives. To start, let’s think outside of the coupleness matters and consider the familyness issues.
Cohabitation is not good for kids. For children, “the cohabiting stepfamily is the most dangerous family form in America today.”[26] There are many reasons couples give for cohabiting: saving money, spending more time together, uncluttering their lives, and testing the relationship.[27] You’ll notice that all of them are conveniences for the adults. But what isn’t convenient is that children are put at risk when couples cohabit. Children face higher risks of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) and lower psychological well-being.[28] And they are exposed to numerous family transitions in and out of marriage and/or cohabitation, which in turn increase the likelihood of them having sex at an earlier age, having their first child out of wedlock, cohabiting before marriage, and having a lower confidence in the institution of marriage (which often translates into divorcing more quickly than previous generations).[29]
Perhaps most critically, I believe it dilutes the process of faith formation in children. When kids are exposed to multiple parental figures (for example, cohabiting stepparents) across both their homes, frequently they are presented with multiple religious worldviews.
A related negative outcome for single parents is that cohabitation deteriorates parental authority and makes their spiritual training weaker. Many adolescents have asked me essentially this question: “How can Mom tell me not to party when she moved us into his house before they were married?” Parents who want children who live by God’s moral standards must themselves live by those same standards, no matter how impractical they may be. In short, cohabitation doesn’t benefit your kids, especially not if you’re trying to create a home of safety, integrity, and clear moral standards.
Cohabitation is not healthy for the couple relationship. Forty-six percent of young adults believe that “living together would improve their chances for a good marriage.”[30] They are mistaken. I wish I could discuss this in more detail, but for the sake of space, let me sum up what the last decade of academic research has discovered about cohabiting couples (with some commentary). There is debate about whether cohabitation creates these effects or whether they arise out of characteristics of people who cohabit, but either way, the relationship suffers. Cohabiting couples:
Let me reiterate: All of the above are results from social science, but they clearly agree with God’s boundaries around sexuality and what is best for us.
Someone who pushes for cohabitation is, I believe, telling you about their fear. Since they can’t have a guarantee that marriage will last, they protect themselves with an arrangement that is marriage-like but without the legal bonds. They actually prefer the ambiguity of cohabitation (“we’re together, sort-of”) to the risk of rejection and a marriage gone bad.[40] Ironically they have just increased the likelihood of relationship failure, not protected themselves from it.
Essentially, cohabitation is choosing second best and then wondering why it didn’t work out for the best. Instead, choose God’s best for you. Date with intentionality, separate and apart from the confusion of sex and cohabitation, and your dating decisions will have much more clarity and integrity for both you and the kids.
An Imbalanced Dance of Want
What happens when one person’s green light intersects with the other person’s yellow or red light? You have what I like to call the dance of want.
In a general sense, the dance is about who wants whom, and how much each wants the other. The dance occurs throughout dating. The first time is during the pre-dating phase. For example, when you have feelings for someone but don’t know if they are also interested in you, you aren’t sure whether to step toward them or away . . . and when.
Even after a first—or many—dates this dynamic continues. One person may find themselves wishing for more time together or daydreaming of the other and then wondering if the other is equally interested in them. No one wants to want more than they are wanted. (Do you hear the fear in that statement?) Before asking a woman to marry him, a man wonders, What if she says no or not now? Even after marriage the dance continues as the ebb and flow of life leaves partners wondering, Why hasn’t she spoken to me as much lately? or Why is it that I initiate sex most of the time?
The dating dance cannot be helped. Until you solidify your commitment to each other in marriage, you cannot help but wonder if the other is as invested in you—and the developing “us”—as you are. By the way, if in your first marriage you found yourself repeatedly wanting your spouse to want you more, you may be hypersensitive to being the more motivated partner in a new dating relationship. Manage this ghost and your fear reactions or you may push away someone who is still working through their feelings for you. Some people play the want game, pretending not to really love the other person as much as they do to see if the other fights for the relationship (i.e., playing hard to get). But that just perpetuates a dance of want that is unstable and manipulative.
Instead, proactively define the relationship from your point of view and be authentic with your feelings. Is that risky? Yes, it is. And it’s also how you determine if you have a mutually supported relationship or a one-sided one.
But what if you’ve been authentic and patient and the other is still not moving toward you? What if you have a clear green light and the other person has a persistent cautious yellow, and you continue the relationship? Typically what crystallizes is a pursue-distance dynamic that becomes, in and of itself, a serious red light.
If you find yourself chasing someone who is repeatedly unwilling to pursue you, stop being willing to settle for the crumbs they toss for you on the floor. For years Debbie dated a guy who loved her but wouldn’t marry her (though he would live with her) because she had, in his words, “undisciplined” children. Debbie admitted that she was a poor parent and that her kids had behavior problems. She tried to improve, but every time she recommitted herself to better parenting, she gave in to the kids and her boyfriend backed a little further away from marriage. Debbie sent me an email summarizing the situation. In parentheses you can see what I was thinking as I read it.
“He isn’t sure he wants to continue dating me.” (To be more precise, he is interested in you—and sex—but not in partnering with your undisciplined parenting. He doesn’t want the package, but you’re willing to settle for what you can get.) “I’m trying everything I can to not let him give up on me.” (Oh, Debbie, no one has enough want for two people.) “I know that I love him and want to spend my life with him, but he is reluctant to put forth any effort at all toward me.” (Please wake up and smell the coffee. Stop chasing a squirrel thinking it wants to be caught.) “I just don’t know what else to do.” (I’ve got a suggestion: Recognize the red light in front of you, let go, and move on. By the way, this means having to deal with your fear of being alone.)
There are many reasons people like Debbie are willing to settle for crumbs of want from a partner: a history of one-sided relationships makes another feel familiar; they fear getting old alone or having their biological clock stop ticking; and they don’t think they are valuable enough to be loved well. On the other hand, there are many reasons some dating partners remain guarded: the fear of being hurt, being unsure of relationship “fit”; wanting to wait till a new season of their life arrives (i.e., after graduation, promotion, accumulated wealth, etc.); or, as in the case of Debbie’s boyfriend, not wanting to marry the entire blended family package. Actually, I see this a lot. Sometimes one partner (usually the biological parent) is less concerned about how the blended family will fare and they get into a dance of want with the would-be stepparent (“I’m going to talk you into not being afraid of us”).
If you find yourself stuck in this dynamic—for whatever the reason—step back and recognize that the pursue-distance dance has created a fragile and emotionally unstable situation for everyone involved. Then, stop wanting for two. Let go of trying to motivate the other person to invest more, give more, and want more. If they resolve their concerns and find a new level of investment, congratulations, you’ve got a fair chance at a healthy relationship. If they don’t, let them go.
Having an “Affair” With the Person They Almost Are
This red light is for those of you who have been dating for a while and are stuck. You have a love-hate relationship with the person but can’t get any clarity on what’s going on.
In my opinion, one of the most pathetic lines in a romantic movie (Jerry Maguire) is when Dorothy Boyd, played by actress Renee Zellweger, tells her sister that she is in love with Jerry, played by Tom Cruise, even though he is distant, uncommitted, and inattentive. “I love him for the man he almost is.” That means she’s having an affair with the fantasy of the man, not the man himself.
One man I counseled had been dating a woman for three years. He described their recurring on-and-off dynamic as him breaking up with her because she was harsh and critical, only to take her back because he missed her few good qualities and mostly the potential he saw in her and in their relationship. Plus, to get him to take her back, she repeatedly promised to act nicer. After a brief “honeymoon” she would again go back to being the same mean person; after pleading with her to change, he would break up with her again. In the meantime, she was bonding with his child, which added to his sense of obligation to stay with her. Ever optimistic, he would again put up with who she was while dreaming about who she almost was. After three years, he felt stuck. He wasn’t. He just needed to stop having an affair with who she promised to be and break up with who she really was.
Why would someone focus on the fantasy person instead of the real person? I’ve seen many singles who felt like this was their last chance at marriage and they just couldn’t give it up. Others see their children bonding with the other person and/or their children and fear hurting their kids, so they hold themselves hostage to what they think their kids need. And others discount their concerns by determining that they are being too judgmental. Whatever the reason, if you are stuck in this rut, you really aren’t stuck.
Green Light
The absence of serious yellow lights and red lights is a green light for proceeding with a relationship. But ultimately the decision to marry needs more than that. You need a sense of direction, purpose, and safety in the relationship, and you need time to confirm your couple and family fit. Your confidence about choosing marriage will also increase dramatically when children, friends, family, and God’s Spirit confirm your “us-ness.”
Do you still have a green light? The next few chapters will walk you further down the road.
Discussion Questions
1. Case Study: Do you remember Paul and Brenda’s advice to their dating friends? Don’t rush into marriage; make sure you are ready to marry the entire package that comes along with the person you have fallen in love with, or don’t marry. Read the following scenario and discuss it together.
Dear Smart Stepfamilies,
I am a single woman with no children and am dating a man who has never been married but has three children (two with one woman and one with another). At first I ran from the idea of dating him, but we became great friends and, after a few years of friendship, I gave dating a try. But now I am confused.
We don’t seem to get much time together in part because his children don’t live with him and he feels he must jump through hoops to appease their mothers in order to get time with them. Most days he tries to spend time after school with them and then put them to bed. Then he wants to spend time with me after that (which is usually after 10:00 p.m.). On weekends he would be “on call” just in case the mothers decided they would allow him to see the children. As you can imagine, we seldom get to keep our date plans. Sometimes he would visit me late at night, and that just set us up for sexual situations that were displeasing to God.
I care for this man and think we might be good together, but I’m troubled by what is happening. What should I do?
2. Flip back through the chapter and review the yellow lights. Which are flashing in your dating relationship (past or present)? Rate their significance from 1 to 10 with 10 being the most menacing.
3. Now review the red lights. Which are turned on? In what ways are you tempted to minimize them?
4. List any other yellow or red lights you can think of that were not mentioned in this chapter.