Appendix 2

Sample Purity Pledge

Managing sexual temptation is tough for every person. Talking through your standards and deciding together to seek purity can help. Review this sample purity pledge and decide which parts you can agree to and abide by. The pledge is adapted from the Marriage Ministry, Watermark Community Church, Dallas, TX, Marriage Team, 2012.

We believe that sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed in the context of marriage, and that he had our best in mind when he gave us strong directives about sexual purity before marriage. There are many benefits to staying sexually pure before marriage. By waiting until marriage:

• you please God
• you will be able to develop a much clearer conviction of how God is working in your relationship
• you build the trust that is necessary for true intimacy and for lifetime commitment
• you develop the godly qualities of patience and self-control
• you affirm that you care more for the other person than yourself
• you protect yourself from feelings of guilt and shame
• you provide yourself with an example to give your children and others
• you help protect yourself from the emotional, mental, and even physical trauma that can come when you break off a relationship
• you have a greater opportunity to develop a stronger emotional and spiritual bond—you can develop healthy communication habits and skills, and discover more about each other than just the physical
• you prevent unwanted pregnancy
• you increase the anticipation and enjoyment of your wedding night
• you experience the blessing of obedience
• you discover more about each other than just the physical
• as a Christian, you maintain a witness to the world
• as a Christian, you avoid bringing reproach on the name of Christ[55]

Although many couples believe engaging in sex prior to marriage will strengthen their relationship, we believe the opposite is true. We believe sex outside of marriage can slow down the growth of a couple’s relationship by causing emotional confusion and distracting couples from pursuing activities that would be more meaningful and beneficial during the dating/engagement stage of a relationship. We believe it is worth noting that research indicates a positive relationship between couples who live by biblical standards regarding purity and marriage longevity.[56]

While physical intimacy is of huge importance in a healthy marriage, we do not believe it is the foundation upon which to build a great marriage. Therefore, the aim of this pledge is to help each couple focus on the essential building blocks of establishing a healthy marriage.

What is outlined below is a voluntary pledge—taken by a seriously dating or engaged couple—to sexual purity. This pledge is optional but strongly encouraged. Therefore, we ask you to consider agreeing to limit your physical involvement, as indicated below, and be held accountable by your mentor couple.

Sexual purity means much more than not having sexual intercourse before marriage. Many couples avoid intercourse but are still sexually intimate. Scripture defines sexual purity as being morally excellent. And moral excellence means being holy. It means avoiding the appearance of evil. It means purity of thought as well as purity of deed. It means protecting one another’s innocence from being stained by impure actions.

Those considering or preparing for marriage are asked by their mentors to talk about the pledge privately and pray about it before deciding whether to take this step. Regardless of what the decision is, the matter will remain a private one between the marriage mentors and you. Ultimately, however, it is a spiritual matter between you and God.

Be honest about the physical part of your relationship. We know the Bible does not specifically address how far a couple can go before marriage. However, it is clear that we are to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). Consider making a commitment to keeping your physical activities between items 1 and 4.

1. Holding hands
2. Hugging
3. Light kissing
4. French kissing
5. Kissing on the neck, ears, or other parts of the body
6. Indirect stimulation of the breasts/genitals (i.e., “grinding”)
7. Manual stimulation of the breasts/genitals
8. Oral stimulation of the breasts/genitals
9. Intercourse/anal sex

If your physical activities exceed #4, we suggest the following steps:

• Confess your sin to the Lord and repent of your actions (Psalm 51:3–4).
• Confess and seek forgiveness from your partner.
• Inform your mentor couple. The man must contact the male mentor within twenty-four hours after exceeding the physical limit. If the man does not do so, the woman will call the female mentor.
• Calling your mentor does not circumvent the need to confess your actions to God; however, letting your mentor know keeps you accountable so your focus can be on the spiritual, character-building issues that are important in forging a lifelong committed marriage.

We pledge to hold our relationship to a biblical standard so the Lord might bless this relationship now and in the many years ahead. Therefore, we agree to call our mentors if the physical involvement goes beyond level 4.

Selected Scripture related to sexual purity:

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

—1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

—Ephesians 5:3 ESV

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.

—1 Thessalonians 4:3–8 ESV

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

—Hebrews 13:4 ESV