If remarriage, as Samuel Johnson said, is the triumph of hope over experience,[46] then a harmonious blended family is the triumph of risk over fear, trust over self-protection, inclusion over exclusion, and grace over possessiveness.
Congratulations! The decision to marry has been made, perhaps a date set, and you’re planning a wedding. Just be sure to plan for becoming a family, as well, because ultimately that is what this is all about—becoming family to one another. Through the years I have encountered countless blended families that were comprised of a strong marital couple who really loved each other trying to exist within a divided stepfamily household. Preparing for a good blend will hopefully keep that story from becoming yours.
Becoming Family: Key Steps to Take
Don’t be surprised if you feel underprepared for stepfamily living. In the national survey of couples planning to form blended family marriages, which David Olson and I conducted, we found that in two-thirds of unhappy couples (those with struggling couple relationships) one or both partners felt inadequately prepared for the realities of stepfamily living; so did one-third of the happy couples. We also found that 78 percent of couples were already having difficulty related to blending and 72 percent disagreed about whether getting married would put more stress on their relationship (this disagreement, ironically, puts more stress on their couple relationship).[47] The point: Don’t be surprised by growing stress and tension around how to blend. It’s not easy even in all-around healthy situations.
I often tell pastors that the key objective of stepfamily ministry is to get the newly formed family through the first few years. Surviving the “integration years” is really what you’re trying to do. On the surface that may not sound like much, but actually it’s rather significant. The first five to seven years are when everyone is adjusting to life together and becoming family, that is, learning first to like each other and then, perhaps, to love each other even as they are psychologically redefining their existing family to include new family members. This is a stressful process with many potholes and road hazards. For example, research confirms that “it takes longer for children to adjust to living in a stepfamily than it does for them to adjust to living in a single-parent family.”[48] That statement usually hits single parents right between the eyes, because they remember how much stress and strain their children experienced after the death of their parent or the divorce in their family. I believe the adjustment time will be reduced by a healthy dating process (what this book has outlined) but the point is, expect there to be a period of transitional stress for your home after the wedding.
Further, while most adults intuitively know that stepparents and stepchildren can take years to bond, most biological parents don’t anticipate that relationships with their own children can come under stress, especially within the first two years after the wedding and again when young children enter adolescence. Mother-daughter relationships post remarriage, for example, commonly become strained (even as mother-son relationships often get better when a stepfather enters the home), and the family unit as a whole can experience three times the level of stress that a biological family experiences. The good news, however, is that this escalation of stress and conflict generally recovers after two years.[49] Again, the issue is adjustment to the new family.
Some may ask, “Ron, are you trying to scare us? Why include these doses of reality at this point in the book?” No, I’m not trying to scare you, but I am trying to inform you that while good dating requires much work, more work will be needed after the wedding. Don’t relax your initiative; move instead into this next season of your relationship with as much drive as you’ve had up to now because, while the integration years may be stressful for many (not all) blended families, the rewards are worth the price. Research confirms that once the marriage and blended family stabilizes, parenting improves, relationships with children improve, and child outcomes improve.[51] I’m convinced that healthy stepfamilies are a redemptive work of God for both children and adults, but that’s a function of years of dedication, determination, and smart stepfamily living, not just good dating.
This chapter cannot present a comprehensive overview of smart stepfamilies (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family to get that), but I can share a few core concepts to get you started.
Solidify Your Marriage: Parent as a United Front
In the digital era, it’s rare to receive a snail mail letter. One day I opened my mail and received this heartfelt petition addressed to me but, I think, written to you.
Dear Ron,
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter to you.
Unfortunately, four and a half years into a second marriage, I realize that I’ve always been in the #2 position behind my stepsons in my wife’s heart. I’ve heard and read how serious this is but did not fully understand until experience caught up with me. Now, with my stepsons determining how my wife interacts with them and with me (and my children alienated from me), I now see what a grave mistake I made.
Please continue to tell spouses that God designed marriage for them to be #1 in each other’s hearts, and that straying from this design will never, ever work. Of course, I’m not referring to a spouse who is abusive or following one who is contrary to Christ. I’m referring to the majority of spouses in stepfamilies who are doing their best but find themselves in second place, with their spouse deferring to and trusting the children rather than them.
I’m three to six months away from divorce at this point. . . . I have always been #2 and after years of spiritual work and determined effort I’ve not been able to move to #1.
Respectfully,
Joe
Unfortunately, Joe encountered the Achilles’ heel of blended family integration—a biological parent who is unwilling to boldly move their spouse into a place of prominence in their heart and family. You simply will not bond or grow together in love if this dynamic is true in your marriage.
Joe referred to being #1 or #2. Talking about rank sometimes frightens biological parents because they think this means abandoning or neglecting their children. It unequivocally does not! This isn’t about leaving anyone behind, but it is about prioritizing the marriage as a lifelong commitment and positioning the marriage as the parenting team and focal point for leadership in the home. Couples in first marriages raising their biological children do this, as well. Yes, they devote a great deal of time and energy to raising and nurturing their children, but the kids also know that Mom and Dad don’t hide things from each other, are deeply loyal to each other, and are a united team in leading the home. This understanding empowers the couple and provides stable leadership within the home. Of course, in a biological family kids are as equally invested in their parents’ marriage as the couple is; that is, they want Mom and Dad to be loving and committed to each other. In a newly formed blended family, however, some children are threatened by the marriage and feel pushed aside by it. That means the first time Mom says, “I know I used to give you quick answers, but now I need to ask my husband what he thinks before making a decision,” they may challenge Mom’s effort to position the stepfather as a co-leader. And the first time she takes her husband’s side on an issue, they may hit the roof.
But she must do just that. If she does not, she tears the family’s Achilles’ heel.
However, if she does express and live out her commitment to her husband, she positions him and herself to parent from within the marriage. They must be a unified team or everything begins to crumble.
Because parenting in stepfamilies is extremely different than in biological families, I have written two books on the subject (The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad ). Let me summarize the process this way: Attachment—the emotional and psychological bond that affords a parent the right to lead—is automatic for the biological parent but must be developed over time with the stepparent. Until that bond exists, stepparenting is a very tenuous experience with fragile boundaries, tightrope circumstances, and explosive scenarios. The biological parent must keep the role of disciplinarian in the life of the child (hopefully they played this role during the single-parent years) while the stepparent slowly joins the parenting process and earns the right to lead.
On occasion, young children will bond quickly and fast-forward through the typical two to three years that stepparents need to accomplish this, but with most children, patience is critical. Not expecting instant love and being patient with affection in the stepparent-stepchild relationship is also important to the stepparent’s evolving role. Anything that demands a place in the child’s heart rather than letting it happen on its own usually backfires on everybody. That’s why you cook a stepfamily in a Crockpot, not a blender.
Cooking With a Crockpot
Just because you’re engaged (or newly married) doesn’t mean you can accelerate your rocket to Passion Planet at light speed with the expectation that your children will also accelerate theirs (see chapter 5). That would be trying to combine your stepfamily in a blender—quickly and with high velocity. It is far wiser to adopt a Crockpot cooking style—slowly with low heat.
In The Smart Stepfamily I wrote, “Stepfamilies need time to adjust to new living conditions, new parenting styles, rules, and responsibilities. They need time to experience one another and develop trust, commitment, and a shared history. They need time to find a sense of belonging and an identity as a family unit. None of these things can be rushed. People who are trying to prove to their parents, friends, church, minister, or themselves that their remarriage decision was right for everyone, need their family to ‘blend’ quickly. But they are often greatly disappointed and feel like failures. A slow-cooking mentality . . . invites you to relax in the moment and enjoy the small steps your stepfamily is making toward integration, rather than pressuring family members to move ahead.”[52]
The great paradox of adopting this approach to integrating your family ingredients is that it helps everyone relax about being family. No heavy pressure (which just invites resistance from kids). No upside-down “you need to take care of me by loving the people I’ve inserted into your life” burdensome messages from adults. No “forget your past, end your loyalties, and get happy now” crazy talk. Just calm “we respect your confusion and accept you anyway” patience and mature leadership. This, over time, paradoxically fosters openness and connection—just what you’re looking for.
Here are some contrasts to help you adopt a Crockpot strategy to family integration:
If any of the above challenged your thinking or left a pit in your stomach, you’re catching on. Merging two families into one is not as simple as toasting bread. It’s more like discovering by trial and error a recipe for a casserole of ingredients you’ve never combined before. Getting smart about the process will help a great deal, but even then there are some things you’ll just have to discover with God’s help all on your own. Trust him to show you how.
Crockpot Exercises and Recommendations
To aid your healthy cooking process, I suggest you involve the ingredients of your future family in these exercises. As with the ongoing dialogue with your children about dating, these activities are meant to be assessment and intervention. They will give you information and insight into your children and family dynamics, and hopefully move you forward as you prepare to be a family.
They are not listed in any particular order; feel free to apply those that make most sense to your situation and revisit the themes as needed. Younger children may not need all of these, but preteens, teenagers, and adult children will likely benefit from all of them.
How Shall I Introduce You? Exercise
Background: The terms we use to refer to one another indicate how we define a relationship and the level of closeness we feel, and give respect to the role the relationship plays in each person’s life. Children use labels to indicate the emotional attachment they feel with someone. A stepparent who started off being referred to as “Sara, my dad’s wife” may become “Mom” in a few years, but not if the biological mother is within hearing distance. The stepmom who adapts to changing labels shows respect for a child’s close tie with their mother and welcomes their own growing connection with the stepchild.
Purpose: To engage future family members in a proactive discussion of their current and future relationships. You hope to decide together what terms you will use, and in the process communicate respect for one another.
Process: Both adults should arrange a time to sit down with the children. If you both have children, have two meetings to encourage openness. The biological parent should take the lead and say, “The reason we wanted to talk with you today is to discuss how we will introduce one another once we get married. I realize this can be complicated and a bit awkward at times, so let’s figure it out together. Before we start, we [indicate you’re speaking for the couple] want you to know that we don’t expect you to use any particular term when referring to us. You are free to use whatever label makes you comfortable as long as it also feels respectful to us. Plus, we also know that you have a lot to worry about when choosing labels. Things like whose feelings might get hurt or what others will think. Feel free to be honest with us about this stuff. Also, we know each of you may have different preferences—that’s okay. Just speak for yourself.” Then engage these questions:
Special Tips: The point of this exercise is to help family members not fret over what others think or how they interpret certain terms. Anything you can do to put them at ease is wonderful. Also, if a child uses a term of endearment sooner than you are prepared for, don’t ask them to stop unless you have a significant fear of them doing so, and then the biological parent should be the one to ask the child not to. If a child wants to call a stepmother Mom, let them. I know it’s respectful toward the biological mother to reserve that term only for the mother, but the child can feel rejected by the refusal. Most kids are good at measuring their loyalties and comfort zones. Trust them to do so. For more on this matter, read “The Name Game” at www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/name-game.
What Will Change? Exercise
Background: Because a parent’s marriage brings loss to a child, helping them anticipate and be prepared for those changes shifts what they can’t control toward what they can. By the way, before having these discussions with the children, you will need to discuss them as a couple and have in mind what you consider optimal before you talk to the children.
Purpose: This exercise readies kids for coming adjustments, communicates that you are aware of how marriage complicates their lives, and reveals your consideration of the other household and their extended family relationships.
Process: The couple should arrange a time to sit with each set of children and explore how things will change after the wedding. Be as practical as you can and explore as many topics relevant to their lives as you can. The examples below are just a brief list of possible topics. Once you have this formal conversation, you’ll be able to have additional spontaneous conversations as you think of more topic areas.
Start by saying something like, “You know, we got to thinking about all the things that will change once we get married. Some of them are going to be welcome changes, others will be beyond your control. Let’s try to think of as many as we can and talk about them.”
Special Tips: Reading through this list and considering the implications for your children ought to cause you to pause and reflect on all that will be required of them. Remember that change, especially if you didn’t ask for it, equals loss and powerlessness (for kids and adults alike). Don’t be surprised if this conversation isn’t a little depressing for them. Be prepared to be compassionate.
Recognized Loss Exercise
Background: As has been pointed out, remarriage is a gain for the adults and initially a loss for the children because it brings unwanted changes. But this isn’t the first loss for the children. This is loss added on top of an already existing loss story. Furthermore, loss reminds us of previous loss and erupts again the grief associated with it. For example, a parent’s remarriage can resurrect a child’s sadness over their parent’s death. Compassionately meeting a child in the midst of their loss helps them journey through it.
Purpose: Recognizing that becoming a family carries some loss is important to maintaining emotional influence with the child. To be distant and removed from this part of the child’s life is to appear uncaring and disengaged. Rather, strive to show yourself a trustworthy asset to the child as they cope with what life continues to throw at them.
Process: Try to engage the child in a dialogue about loss. Lead with your own experience of grief and then acknowledge theirs.
Special Tips: Remember to emotionally coach your child through the loss conversation and acknowledge their sadness, don’t dismiss it (see chapter 5). This isn’t about fixing the pain, it’s about joining them in it and hugging their hurt.
Wedding Planning Activity
Background: Weddings mark the start of a new journey for every member of the blended family. While the making of a covenant during the wedding is very significant for couples, it does not necessarily bind children to a stepparent. However, including them in the planning of the wedding and the wedding itself can have a bonding impact.
Purpose: Including children in wedding planning gives them an opportunity to voice their desired level of involvement. Including a family medallion ceremony within the wedding affirms biological children of their parent’s continued commitment to them and serves as a bonding experience for the whole family.
Process: Engage the children in planning the wedding as appropriate to their age. Listen to their ideas and respect their desired level of involvement.
Also, consider presenting a family medallion to the children during the wedding. Just as a wedding ring signifies covenant love between a couple, a family medallion communicates the intended desire of the parents to become family to and for one another.
Special Tips:
Pre-Stepfamily Counseling
Background: While the average cost of a wedding is $27,500, less than a third of first-marriage couples seek premarital preparation, and less than 25 percent of pre-stepfamily couples do. That is stunning to me, especially when you take into account that premarital counseling works. Premarital preparation can reduce the risk of divorce by 30 percent,[53] and a meta-analysis of eleven experimental studies found significant differences favoring couples who received premarital education, with a 79 percent improvement in all marital outcomes compared to couples who did not receive premarital education.[54] Reading this book is a solid start, but it’s nothing like getting you and the kids in counseling. That’s right—I said the kids should be part of the process, too.
Purpose: The personal attention a counselor can give you and the children is invaluable. The objective feedback and insight will serve you well as you step into the future and give children a neutral place to talk through their concerns or fears.
Process: Find a qualified pastor or stepfamily therapist who has had training in understanding blended families (for tips, see this article: www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/findtherapist). Likely you will experience a combination of individual, couple, and entire family sessions that can identify potholes and remove stumbling blocks.
Special Tips: Unfortunately, finding a pastor or counselor with blended family training is difficult. If you can’t find someone with training and experience, share Smart Stepfamily resources with a premarital counselor and invite them to do some extra homework for you. Start by giving them this web link: www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/counselor.
Get Connected: Attend a Local Blended Family Small Group or Class
Background: Being connected with a fellowship of faith is vital to our spiritual growth. Being connected to a class or small group of stepfamily couples is also vital to your family’s growth.
Purpose: Attending as a premarital couple will not only get you connected, but help you find insight and support from others a little further down the road than you.
Process: Get involved with the blended family ministry at your church. If they don’t currently have one, ask them if you can start one; I have written guidelines and resources to help you get started (smartstepfamilies.com/view/educate). If necessary, attend the blended family ministry of another church in your area. After getting to know the couples in the group, ask one of the couples to be your mentors. Specifically, ask them if they will meet with you monthly until your wedding and then for the first two years of your marriage. Explain that you don’t expect them to have all the answers; they would just act as a sounding board for you.
Keep Reading As a Couple
This chapter is far from comprehensive in addressing the total integration of your stepfamily—there’s a whole series of books for that. To really get prepared, before and after the wedding, may I suggest you pick up a copy of my other books The Smart Stepfamily, The Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom (coauthored by Laura Petherbridge), and The Remarriage Checkup (coauthored by David H. Olson). Each will make a unique contribution to your family preparation.
A Final Encouragement
You’re about to marry the wrong person.
That doesn’t sound very encouraging, does it? Well, it really is. What it means is this: If you were perfect, you could pick and marry the right person. But since you’re not, you’ll pick the wrong person—who, of course, in God’s economy is the right person. That is, the right person to help God reveal what you didn’t know about your selfishness or frailties or limitations and to grow you beyond them. Furthermore, God will use the journey of marriage and becoming a blended family to sharpen you, refine you, and teach you how to love with humility, sacrifice, and surrender, just as Christ has loved you. That is, God will do all these things if you will let him.
I suggest you do.
———
A toast to your new family: May God’s richest blessings be upon you, and may grace rule in your home.
Discussion Questions
9. Looking back over the entire book, what concept stands out as most helpful to you in your circumstances? What have you remembered most?