I was not married to a Christian my first time around. I learned that I needed a strong Christian man; I wouldn’t date just anyone.
—Tammy, mom and stepmom
Since you could find a potential mate anywhere, this chapter is really more about how to look for someone worthy of marriage than where. That is the point, remember? Finding someone worthy of marriage—not just someone to have coffee with—is what you’re after. Getting yourself ready is step one. Smart dating is step two.
Articulate Your Silhouette
When boy meets girl—and boy falls in love with girl—there is a lot of chemistry that is visible to any observer: extended smiles, gazing at each other, gestures that communicate an openness to each other, elation when you hear from them, random acts of kindness, and the like. But there is also a great deal of chemistry going on internally that no one can see. It centers in a tiny sector near the base of the brain called the ventral tegmental area. This area produces dopamine and sends it to many regions of the brain, especially the brain’s reward system, which produces want, motivation, goal-oriented behavior, energy, and elation. “So, when you fall madly in love with someone, the brain is producing dopamine, a natural stimulant, to give you the focus, energy, elation, and motivation to win life’s greatest prize—a mating partner.”[19]
But here’s the downside. This cocktail of biochemistry and highly motivated behavior is also clouding your judgment about the viability of your selection. Love is blind, remember? That’s why you need a standard to measure this person by—a silhouette of substance to temper your dopamine-addicted high from your latest love interest. You need something to help you get below the surface of biochemistry and the many ways people make themselves look good. Plus, when someone measures up, you’ll have confidence that the person you are dating is worth at least a temporary investment—and perhaps an eternal investment—of your life and the lives of the children.
By using the word silhouette, you might assume I mean the physical outline or bodily shape of the kind of person you are looking for. I do not. You can’t judge a book by its cover, nor determine love based on physical accoutrements. (I’ve got bad news: All of life is a downward slide away from physical beauty—get used to it!) I’m suggesting you articulate a silhouette of someone’s spirit, character, and inner beauty. That won’t slide toward ugliness—ever! More important, successfully making a stepfamily a family requires emotional maturity, a strong sense of personal worth (in Jesus Christ), and a spirit of humility to face all that can’t be controlled (e.g., ex-spouses, a child who refuses to bond, etc.).
Let me be candid: The blended family is no place for emotionally weak, wimpy, or needy adults. As a single parent, if you date someone who is self-absorbed or has a strong need to be the emotional center of the home, you and your kids may be in for trouble. If you’re single without children and you date a single parent who is emotionally fragile or paralyzed as a parent by guilt, you’ll likely live a family nightmare. Date someone who is rigid and stubborn and you’ll find yourself lonelier while married than you ever were while single. Find someone who is strong in character and emotionally stable.
His/Her Silhouette
If I may, allow me to suggest some personal character qualities that you should include in your silhouette. I’ll let you decide whether it’s important that they enjoy sushi.
Submissive to God. A person of faith is not the same as someone who attends church. Just because you’re in a garage doesn’t make you a car. Look for a follower of Christ, not just a fan of Christ who joins the masses of spectator Christians who gather every week to cheer on their pastor. But how will you know the difference, you ask? Look at their fruit. If they are a follower, it will show up in how they spend their money, the people they hang out with, the values they hold dear in their home, and the boundaries they set for their children. It is very easy to witness the overflow of submission in someone’s heart—you just have to look past the outward façades most of us display in public and look at their real life. It will be a testimony either for submissiveness or selfishness. It’s a very important distinction.
Humble. In every season of life, humility is the posture that acknowledges our dependence upon God and opens us to the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. From the moment we declare the lordship of Jesus till he comes again and “every knee shall bow,” it is what prepares us to be transformed. Humility primes the canvas of the heart to receive the Holy Spirit’s paint so we can more profoundly reflect the image of Christ. You may not marry a perfect person, but if you find a humble person, they will become increasingly perfect throughout their lifetime—and it will be a joy, not a burden, to walk beside them as they do.
So how can you recognize humility? While dating, most people are vigilant to put their best foot forward in order to impress the other person. But a humble person won’t shy away from admitting their faults, even before they’ve won your heart. They are able to laugh at themselves (not take themselves too seriously), openly discuss their temptations and failings, and regularly call on the grace of God to redeem them from themselves. They don’t need to appear attractive just to win your approval, because a humble person has their identity firmly planted in their relationship with God. Because they have God-esteem, they can be authentic with you. This is a supreme quality for marriage and family relationships. Pursue it in yourself and seek out a partner who is rich in it.
Sexually Controlled. This is a great litmus test of someone’s submission to God. God made us sexual beings and purposed sex in marriage, in part, as a celebration and seal of the covenant between husband and wife. Every couple faces sexual temptation during courtship; dating someone who is tempted sexually doesn’t tell you anything about the person. But someone who actively guards their heart from pre-covenant sexual behavior is revealing their submissiveness to God, their desire for a healthy relationship, and their respect for you. A person, on the other hand, who constantly pursues and pressures their partner sexually is showing that they don’t possess much spiritual maturity. Pressuring behavior is a litmus test of character. Listen to what it is telling you about the person. (I’ll talk more about managing sexual temptation later.)
A Spiritual Personal Trainer. Personal trainers are people who push us to get physically fit. They cheer us on our way to health. The silhouette of the person you are looking for includes someone who challenges your walk with the Lord. If they are chasing after God, just hanging out with them will inspire you to do the same.
In addition, personal trainers challenge us to put off unhealthy habits and put on better ones. Listen to the apostle Paul, personal trainer extraordinaire, laying out a healthy plan for living. Isn’t this a good list of what to look for in a dating partner?
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. . . .
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Colossians 3:5–10, 12–14
Measure the people you date by this standard and you’ll be looking for the right kind of person.
Family Silhouette
Your silhouette needs to be twofold. Not only should it describe qualities you are looking for in a person, but also the qualities you hope to create as a family. This will have implications for both the couple relationship and the family relationships. Most single parents have a silhouette for the person but neglect the family silhouette. I’m encouraging you to have one for both—and falling short in either should be a deal breaker.
Parenting Considerations. Far too many single parents fall in love and marry a person who is good marriage material but not good stepparent material. What stuns me as a therapist is how many biological parents have admitted to me behind closed doors that they knew their boy/girlfriend was not good parent material before they married but ignored their own intuition because they didn’t want to live alone, were hungry for sex, or needed another income to provide for their kids. Really? Please don’t sacrifice your kids on the altar of your anxiety or lust. And do not think you can marry a bad parent and turn them into a good one.
While dating, examine their potential role as a stepparent by learning about their parenting ideals and how they were parented (which is the parenting style most of us default to, or do just the opposite of). As you get more serious about your relationship, bring them into your parenting situations and watch how they process it and what they think should happen. You are looking for harmony between your basic approach to parenting and theirs. No two adults parent exactly the same, and yes, both of you will change and grow together as parents should you marry, but it is unwise to date someone with a vastly different parenting style from yours. Merging polar opposite styles is extremely difficult.
Can you know if someone will be a good stepparent? There are no guarantees. Again, time is your friend. Watch, for example, how your kids and they bond over time. Is your dating partner increasingly invested in your kids and getting to know them? Do they enjoy your kids or are they just an inconvenience to your couple time? Do they offer their humble input into parenting—even if it means pointing out a weakness in you—because they are striving to see the child grow in “wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52)? These are the qualities of a person willing to take on the tasks of stepparenting.
If you are dating a parent, take note of their parenting as well as their children’s behavior and attitudes. I’ve often said that an oppositional child is a yellow caution light (sometimes a red stoplight) to dating the parent. I’m not blaming the parent for everything the child does, but it is an indicator that you should pay attention to. If nothing else, know that merging your life and kids with a conflictual or chaotic family situation over which you will have very little influence or control will bring anger and stress to your family life.
In addition, our daily lifestyle and how we go about living together under the same roof are primarily determined by parenting expectations. If your children are expected to clean up after themselves and contribute to household chores, but your dating partner’s kids don’t feel comfortable at home unless there are piles of clothes on the floor, you should take note of it. Don’t minimize this dynamic. I know clothes on the floor are not a big deal, but multiply this dynamic by a hundred similar scenarios, and it will be—fast! Your kids will scream “not fair” and the stepkids will holler “foul” and you and your new spouse will find yourselves defending your kids and your preferences, only to end up on opposites sides of the issue—and your marriage. You have to consider the entire package when dating, not just the couple dynamic.
In my experience, people without children who are dating single parents are tempted to repeatedly minimize the parenting deficits of their dating partner. It’s just too easy to think it’s not significant. Please don’t fall into this trap. Once married, you’re going to be powerless to change what the kids’ parent is unwilling to change, and you’ll get tired of having to accommodate their irresponsibility really fast. I’ll talk more about this caution light in chapter 7, but for now, make sure your silhouette includes dating a competent, healthy parent.
The Family Package. In addition to parenting matters, the blended family package includes—just to name a few—ex-spouses, the family loss story, financial stress and changes, former in-laws/grandparents, the parenting of the parent and stepparent in the children’s other home, and the spiritual influences of former and current church leaders. You must carefully look into all of this, which will take time, but remember, time is your friend. If you can’t marry the package—the entire package—then don’t marry the person.
Family History and Patterns. As you grow increasingly serious about someone, be sure to visit their family of origin and learn about their family history. Who someone is becoming is often tied to who they came from. Do they have a history of close family connections, or are they disengaged and angry? Is there a generational pattern of chemical abuse or other addictions? That doesn’t mean the person you are dating will be an addict (thank God his grace redeems us from such things), but it may mean strained family relationships and irresponsible extended family members who will complicate your life. What is the story of faith in their extended family, and is it celebrated as the compass for life? How do men and women treat one another in their family, husbands and wives, parents and children? Bottom line: If you don’t like their family, think seriously about not marrying into it.
Melissa has given a lot of thought to her silhouette:
I’m looking for someone who, initially, can respect my decision not to introduce my children to them for quite a while. I want someone whose parenting style (or their views on parenting if they don’t already have children) closely resembles mine so that we are more likely to be able to present a united front in parenting. The person needs to be able to recognize their own flaws and be willing to address them as well as lovingly point out mine and help me address mine. The person should be patient and kind and willing (as things get serious) to be a supportive role model for my children, but not attempt to take the place of their father. He should speak well of me and not allow the kids to be disrespectful. By the same token, he should be respectful of their father’s position and not speak ill of him. I’ve looked online, in church, at social events, and through friends to find someone like this. They are few and far between, but I believe they do exist.
Okay, Melissa, if they do exist, where are they? How does one find them?
On Meeting Someone
I’m less concerned about where you meet someone than how you manage your dating experience and expectations once you do. It seems to me that you never know when or where you’ll meet someone of interest to you. A friend may introduce you to someone; you may bump into someone at church; or a chance meeting may change your life forever. It happens. Having said that, I do think there are wise ways and places to look for dates.
How to Look
Every year businesses spend millions trying to create places for singles to meet and fall in love. If I knew the secret to finding someone, I’d be rich. I don’t and I’m not. But I can suggest that looking begins with perspective about the eternal purpose of finding a mate, then letting that perspective dictate where you look. Suppose, for example, you prayed the Dater’s Prayer in faith each day:
Lord, work out your kingdom agenda in me. I am yours. If you bring someone into my life who submits to your will and will help me to love you more, then let that person be evident to me; let me not miss your provision. And if not, let me be content with your provision and at ease in my singleness.
Praying that prayer each day would help to relax your heart about finding a mate. You wouldn’t over-desire finding someone and you wouldn’t under-desire it. You would walk by faith with a sense of calm about your life.
Desperate singles look for love in the same places as content singles, but they ignore warning signs and make it their agenda to find “the one.” Instead, make it God’s agenda and then relax. You can still implement the below strategies, but you won’t be desperate when doing so. Discernment will still have voice.
Where to Look
The Dater’s Prayer positions your heart to be open to the people God brings to you. I’ve talked with many singles whose external, physical silhouette is so GQ-ish or Victoria’s Secret-ish that they quickly discount the normal people in their lives. Are your standards so high that you look past people of high character but average beauty? Don’t be quick to dismiss someone. Get to know the person on the inside first.
Look for dates in gatherings of people you generally know something about and that reflect your core values. Meeting someone during a service project or recreational activity or at church are good examples. Meeting someone at the national swingers convention is not (remind me sometime to tell you about the weekend when a church I was speaking at put me and my then ten-year-old son, Connor, up in a hotel that was hosting just such a gathering!). Let the venue do some of the filtering for you, but keep in mind that everyone can present themselves as something they’re not—even (or should I say, especially) in church!
Also, I know it sounds old-fashioned, but ask your family, friends, or community of faith to suggest people they think would be a good fit for you. After all, they know you well and often have a decent perspective about who might fit your personality and interests. Perhaps this will give you a running start on finding someone.
Finally, don’t try to suggest to someone that God told you they are your soul mate. As one man told the woman who said that to him, “Well, I’m pretty sure God’s not going to leave me in the dark. If he told you that, he should be telling me—and I’m not hearing that from him.” I call this using the Holy Spirit hammer; hit someone over the head with it and they’re sure to fall in love with you . . . or not. Honestly, it just makes you look desperate and manipulative. That’s not what they call attractive.
Online Dating: What Match.com and eHarmony Likely Won’t Tell You
I must share some apprehensions with you about online dating. I realize that millions of people use online dating sites to help them meet someone. I do think that some sites, especially those that use proven psychological assessments, do give you a running start toward connecting with someone. That I find valuable for you. But I must point out a number of cautions for single parents that aren’t necessarily true for those without kids, considerations that the online matchmakers will not share with you.
Couple vs. Family Satisfaction. Online dating sites are about helping you find a compatible person to date. The major premise of this book is that coupleness is one thing but familyness is another; online dating may give you a leg up on the former, but it doesn’t speak to the latter.
In our book The Remarriage Checkup, Dr. Olson and I report that our research confirmed what family therapists have speculated for years: Before marriage, couple satisfaction is mainly tied to couple relationship factors, but after the wedding, couple satisfaction is increasingly tied to factors related to blended family harmony or the lack thereof. In other words, when it comes to blended family marriages, what happens between you is what makes you fall in love with someone, but what happens around you (e.g., stepparent-stepchild issues, ex-spouse pressures, stepfamily disharmony, etc.) is increasingly responsible for what creates couple distress and divorce.
Don’t let an online dating service lull you into thinking that the person who is right for you is right for your kids and family.
Long-distance Romance. Dating online increases the likelihood that the person you meet lives elsewhere. I have coached many dating couples who live across the country from each other, even one couple that lived on opposite sides of the planet. Here’s the problem: Long-distance romances mature into logistical nightmares for parents and children.
Jeremy wrote me, “We are looking for resources to try and decide whether to move my fiancée eight hundred miles from Kansas with her resistant soon-to-be high school daughter to be closer to me in Pennsylvania. Her daughter has few school friends. We are struggling as to what would be best for all involved and want to be a successful stepfamily in the future!” Well, Jeremy, finding what’s “best for all” assumes that what’s best for you as a couple will also be best for a resistant teenager. That’s a big assumption—and a big risk.
I even had one couple email me saying they had married but thought they could continue a long-distance marriage. It wasn’t working out so they wanted me to fix in a day what they hadn’t been able to resolve. “I was wondering if you have an opening this coming Saturday. My husband lives in Michigan and I live in Houston. We have been married for one year (a second marriage for both of us), and we have been arguing about who needs to relocate. I am at the point of giving up on this marriage, but I want to try a counseling session first instead of having our usual never-ending discussion about this.”
Let me be frank. Falling in love with someone long-distance is very complicated and in most cases downright lousy for kids (unless they are very young). First of all, it makes getting to know each other very difficult and doesn’t help you to assess the fit of your dating partner and kids. Second, know that moving kids to a new town while launching a new family at the same time is double trouble. They have a new family, new school, lost friends, lost community connections, lost church, etc. It requires a tremendous amount from the kids, so unless they absolutely love the notion, it’s a bad idea for everyone involved.
Should logistics temper your decision to date someone long-distance? Yes. Does it ever work out well? I’ve only known of a few, and most of them were when a person without children moved to where the children lived. If you insist on dating someone long-distance, think ahead and moderate your investment in them with awareness of what it will likely cost your children later on if the relationship continues.
Hiding Your True Self. Online it’s very easy to appear to be someone you’re not. This is true for a number of reasons. First, everyone puts their best foot forward when dating in person; even more so, the format of online chat, website postings, replying to emails and texts, etc., allows you and your dating interest to carefully and methodically choose your responses. Emotion is suppressed and rational, well-thought-out replies are crafted. It’s not that people are lying, they’re just choosing carefully how you will view them. But then again, sometimes people do lie.
USA Today reported on a poll asking, “How honest are you on your social networking sites?” Almost one-third said they were totally honest, 26 percent fibbed a little, 21 percent said what they posted about themselves was a total fabrication, and 22 percent admitted to flat-out lying.[20] Adding it up, 69 percent said they were untruthful. Yikes.
Online dating can be a helpful jump start to a relationship, but be sure you verify in person everything you come to believe about someone through online interaction. (See Appendix 1 for tips on safe social networking.)
Dating Best Practices . . . and Attitudes
I’ve gathered more collective wisdom from my dating single parent focus group and summarized some of their best practices for you here.
Define the Relationship
Steve shared, “On our first date, the woman who would become my wife asked me, ‘So, what do you want from this relationship?’ Being the self-centered, nervous, just-trying-not-to-look-stupid-on-the-first-date guy that I was, I had no idea how to answer her. I hadn’t thought past the next five minutes, let alone the future of our relationship. Awkward! But in hindsight, what I then thought was a silly question turned out to be a really good one.”
Defining the relationship (or DTR) means that you and the person you are dating express your intentions to each other, and you do so each time the relationship moves to a new level. You don’t have to pop the “What are you looking for?” question on the first date, but fairly soon it is helpful to make this overt with each other. Couples often assume they know what the other person’s intentions are and then are surprised when they realize they were wrong.
In the beginning you want to know: Do you only date people who are marriageable, or will you keep dating someone that you’d never consider for marriage? Are you just trying to get out of the house, or are you actively looking for a mate? Questions like these define the nature and intent of your relationship and give both parties the information they need to determine if they want to keep seeing the other.
After a few initial dates, DTR again. “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and I’d like us to become more intentional about learning about each other. Do you agree? Do you think we’re ready to, for example, learn more about each other’s values and life goals? I’m thinking we need to start spending more time with each other’s kids, too. What do you think?”
Another DTR dialogue is one that sounds like this: “I am interested in us enough to make this an exclusive dating relationship. How do you feel about that?” You can then discuss the boundaries around your relationship and expectations for each other. These then form the guidelines for the next season of your dating. Eventually you may find it’s time for this DTR discussion: “I am beginning to see us getting married. I’m wondering if you are entertaining that idea, as well.” Notice, this is not “Do you want to get engaged?” This is “Are you open to considering engagement?”
This kind of intentional dialogue helps both people track the status of their relationship and adds security when the relationship is defined—even when the two people are at different places. For example, should one partner be ready for engagement and the other not, the “ready” partner will be disappointed, but at least both people know where they stand.
By the way, if both people agree that they are ready to consider engagement, the next topics of conversation should be, “Are the kids ready for us to do that?” and “What steps do we need to take to aid the trajectory of that rocket?”
Engagement and marriage are the ultimate DTR moments. They confirm to the couple that they intend to marry and announce to the world that a new family is beginning. These signposts are easily identified in our culture. But the DTR principle is just as important at the beginning and middle stages of dating. Don’t be afraid of bringing it up.
Slow Down
Falling in love creates an anesthetic that numbs your common sense. Be aware of this enough to slow down your dating and spend at least a year of face-to-face time with someone. This allows the anesthetic to wear off so your discernment can be clear.
Maintain Sexual Purity
Before marriage, love is blind and sex is a blindfold. Charles and Diana (not their real names, but it does make the story more interesting) scheduled a consult with their counselor to discuss their dating relationship. Diana had two children from a previous marriage and Charles had never been married before. They had been dating for seven years, and their therapist soon found out why they hadn’t pulled the trigger on marriage.
Charles and Diana had been raised in two totally different parenting systems. Charles was raised in a strict, conservative home. Diana grew up in a chaotic family where you never knew what was going to happen next. There were few boundaries, little discipline, and a lot of freedom (which Diana was more than happy to take advantage of during her teen years). Now a parent herself, Diana was parenting her children, ages eighteen and nine, the same way she had been parented.
Charles and Diana had constant conflict over her parenting and her children’s behavior. Charles protested that they got away with murder and suggested Diana step up her expectations or they would waste their lives away in irresponsibility. Diana disagreed. To her, keeping the children happy and at peace with her was more important than drawing tough lines in the sand.
Given this stalemate, you might be wondering why in the world this couple was still together. Their counselor was, too. When all these differences were laid out before the couple and they were asked why they thought they hadn’t broken up, an honest answer came forth: sex. They were sexually active on a regular basis, and no matter what they fought about, sex brought them back together. In other words, if it wasn’t for sex, they wouldn’t have anything. Sex was their blindfold.
Both Charles and Diana believed that ideally sex should be reserved for marriage. When asked why she would continue to intertwine her life with a man who could be so black-and-white judgmental about her parenting but gray when it came to denying himself sex with her, Diana just shrugged her shoulders. And when asked why he continued to date Diana even though time had proven to him that she was not interested in changing her parenting (only he was motivated to change her parenting), Charles couldn’t come up with an answer. Both Charles and Diana had attached themselves to a fantasy image of one another; sex and emotional immaturity had blinded them to this truth.
Keeping in mind that this couple was dating and arguing over the same issue for seven years when they came for their consultation, if you were their counselor, what would you have said to them when asked, “Should we stay together?”
Managing Sexual Temptation. God knows what a powerful force sexuality is in our lives. After all, he designed it. God is very much invested in your sexual fulfillment. That’s why he placed boundaries around sex; he knows in a marital context how beneficial sex can be, and he knows how problematic it can be in a dating relationship. Charles and Diana, for example, had very little foundation to their relationship, and yet sex fooled them into thinking they had more in the bank than they really did. Physiologically we can explain it this way: The hormone oxytocin, sometimes called the “cuddle hormone,” facilitates bonding in mammals (e.g., between a mother and her newborn child). It is also released when couples are affectionate and escalates dramatically after orgasm, especially in men. In short, it makes you feel connected even when there is no substance to a relationship. Charles and Diana were writing checks with their lives based on a bankrupt account. In the end, they got hurt and wasted a lot of time on a quick but shallow high.
Maintaining a desire for the best in your life—and in your future marriage—starts by trusting that God has your best interest in mind. By declaring sexuality before marriage a sin, he is not being a simpleton or killjoy; he is trying to protect you from a shallow relationship and personal pain. The only question is, do you trust his motives and his insight? Before marriage, sex tends to be about what we can get from the other person. Sex that is saved until after marriage has time to mature into a physical and soul expression of the deep foundation of the relationship that has already been established and the lifelong commitment expressed to each other during the wedding. Saving sex till after marriage protects the objectivity of your dating, ripens your commitment to each other, and then as a symbol of marital oneness blossoms in a pleasurable celebration of love. That’s worth waiting for.
Practical Strategies for Managing Sexual Temptation. One day this phone message appeared on my desk: “Ron, please call L. S. He and his fiancée—they have only known each other two months—have been reading The Smart Stepfamily and are stumped by the suggestion of waiting two years to marry. It seems unreasonable to them that a passionate couple could wait two years before having sex. It’s important to both him and his fiancée to manage their relationship with purity. BTW, they have nine children in all.”
All couples are sexually tempted. Here are some practical tips for managing your temptations.
Discussion Questions
1. Write down the silhouette of the person you are looking for.
2. If you are currently dating, review my recommended silhouette qualities in light of the person you are dating (rate them from 1 to 10). If not currently dating, consider previous partners and how well these qualities describe them.
3. Now consider the family silhouette you desire and the qualities discussed on pages 122–125.
4. How would praying the Dater’s Prayer every day change how you date?
Lord, work out your kingdom agenda in me. I am yours. If you bring someone into my life who submits to your will and will help me to love you more, then let that person be evident to me; let me not miss your provision. And if not, let me be content with your provision and at ease in my singleness.
5. Where have you been looking for dates? What will you do differently after reading this chapter?
6. Articulate the limitations of online dating. (This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it, just be aware of the unique weaknesses for single parents.)
7. What challenges does long-distance dating present?
8. In the past, how proactive have you been in defining the relationship (DTR)? What challenges or fears does DTR bring to you?
9. Discuss the matter of sexual purity. What do you believe is God’s desire for your relationship?
10. If dating, outline and discuss together how you intend to maintain purity. If not dating, discuss which suggestions in this chapter would be helpful to you in the future.