Our wedding is planned for later this year, but I plan to postpone it. I love him and the children, but it is so hard.
Facebook Submission
I think it’s getting harder in our culture today for people to pull the trigger on a covenant commitment to another person. The collective anxiety in our world about the instability of marriage screams—via TV, movies, online media, and social networking sites—“Don’t do it.” And people are listening. Cohabitation has risen dramatically before a first marriage, which doesn’t usually happen until people are in their late twenties and already have a child. In mid-life, cohabitation between marriages is exceedingly common, and more and more later-life couples are choosing cohabitation instead of trying to merge retirement plans and three generations of family relationships. We lack confidence in “happily ever after” and, therefore, keep trying to find ways of being with someone without having to fully be with someone. And yet God has clearly created marriage for our provision and protection. “Fine,” you say, “but that doesn’t help me know whether to marry this person or whether the kid-adult combinations will work out.”
One woman posted the following to an online forum. She was already engaged but far from pulling the trigger:
My fiancé and I are getting married in several months. I have three children and he has two. We began dating a couple years ago; before that I had not seriously dated anyone for eight years because I chose to focus on my children and only date someone that I would consider marrying someday. We fell in love, and at times I feel like we can work through the obstacles of blending our families, but at other times I feel hopeless. I am not sure if I am just getting cold feet or if we have major issues.
My children have no father in their life; his kids live with their mother and they visit us whenever they like. He has been more than a father to my children and they absolutely LOVE him. He takes off work to go to their school events and much more. They have never had a father and they don’t take him for granted.
We broke up once because I didn’t think I could do it. He spends money trying to keep up with his ex’s new husband; I’m afraid of losing everything I have worked for if we get married. After we broke up, one of his kids stayed in touch with me and begged us to get back together. She said that with me and her father together, she actually felt like she was part of a family. She was so excited when we became engaged, but sometimes it feels like she doesn’t like me at all. I’m confused.
Decision Points
“So how do we know if we should get married?”
That is a question I hear often. Even after dating well and giving careful consideration to all of the dynamics involved, the answer isn’t easy. There are a plethora of matters that people evaluate as they consider engagement: their life stage, financial situation, the openness of the children, how much they desire a life partner, the quality of the relationship and perceived future together, how much they love the other person, the level of conflict in the relationship—on and on the list goes. I’ve talked about a number of these throughout the book, but only you can know what all these factors are for you, and only you can evaluate the pros and cons, risks and rewards of each in order to make a decision. Some of these matters weigh more heavily than others, and since you determine how much they weigh, ultimately you determine which impact your decision most. Some matters are potential deal breakers; others give cause for continued dating while delaying a decision.
May I suggest that it is unrealistic to expect that you can do away with every concern or anxiety related to this decision. What you are looking for in general is:
Confidence
Joshua sent me an email explaining his decision hesitations:
I know you don’t remember me, but we talked on the phone a couple of months ago and I ordered one of your books and a video. My girlfriend and I were thinking of getting married and blending our families. We wanted to do it the right way and were in no hurry, so we did some research and found your ministry.
We both watched your video, read The Smart Stepfamily together, and took your advice suggesting we find a blended family to talk to. What we found is probably not what most would expect and certainly not what we expected. We couldn’t find a stepfamily that really thrived—not one that looked like ours, anyway. All of the families we looked at were just surviving, having a multitude of issues surrounding the children; some were on divorce’s doorstep again. This scared us to death. It seems to us that the blended family is a good idea for adults, but not so good for the kids.
To their credit, Joshua and his girlfriend were proactively learning all they could about stepfamily living, but the feedback they got from those living the realities was causing hesitation. In short, their confidence was low.
I’ve suggested throughout this book that the quality of the future stepparent-stepchildren relationship(s) is just as important to a marriage decision as the quality of the couple relationship. You need confidence in both to move forward.
If you are lacking confidence, give full consideration as to why, and don’t get engaged until your confidence rises. One predictable trap for people who lack full confidence before making a decision to marry is that after the wedding, when the inevitable conflicts and disappointments of blended living occur, they look back on the decision and label it a bad one. Recasting the past in light of a stressful present is highly predictive of marital disillusionment and divorce[45] because it closes you off to seeing the relationship as a good one or one worthy of hard work. Ignoring your own hesitancies before marriage is a setup for trouble later. When your confidence is high, make a decision for marriage; until then, keep seeking to resolve the concerns or gracefully bow out of the relationship if you can’t.
Commitment and Trust
Let me remind you of something you already know. Marriage is tough. Not because it’s inherently difficult, but because marriage reveals our selfishness. Therefore, it forces us, if we want to experience trust and intimacy, to do the hard work of confronting and sacrificing our selfishness. Marriage is tough because intimacy always requires more of us than we expected. (By the way, this is one significant way God grows us up into the likeness of our Savior.)
To help us stay engaged in this painful process of growing up, God in his infinite wisdom asks each person to make a covenant that binds them together throughout life. Without this permanence, most people won’t subject themselves to the process of maturation and discipleship that marriage brings; instead they wiggle out when the going gets tough. The “till death do us part” promise helps to constrain our momentary unwillingness to mature and strengthens our motivation to persist, grow, and learn to love.
What I’m suggesting to you is that commitment in the form of marital vows expressed at a wedding is a significant turning point for any relationship because it helps foster a living out of the commitment. It builds a wall of motivation around the marriage that helps each person to allow God to grow them into the person the marriage and blended family needs them to be. Waiting for a guarantee that this is the right person doesn’t take into consideration who they will be after making a commitment—or for that matter, who you will be. Instead, evaluate whether you and your dating partner have the resolve and determination to live out a covenant commitment. If not, slow down or back up a step. But if you do trust the level of resolve in both of you, keep moving forward.
What should you do if one of you is ready to make that commitment and the other is not?
This brings us back to the dance of want that I discussed in chapter 7. If one of you is feeling God’s blessing on the relationship and is ready to move forward, great. But don’t use that desire as a hammer to make the other want the relationship just as much. Instead, make space for them to reach their own decision in their own timing.
“But what if they aren’t moving fast enough?” someone might ask. Well, one thing’s for sure—saying, “Hurry up and want!” won’t help. Rather, take this approach:
Mike and Charlene pulled me aside at a conference. They had read a couple of my books and were attending a conference, but they had a dilemma that needed personal attention.
Mike had been divorced about sixteen years. He had raised his three girls and now they were young professionals living on their own. While raising them, he dated a few people but focused primarily on his children.
Charlene was about fourteen years younger than Mike and was busy raising her two children: Tommy, age twelve, and Katy, age ten. Mike and Charlene had been dating for about two years when it occurred to both of them that they were stuck when it came to a decision about marriage.
I must tell you, most couples that pull me aside at a conference and ask whether they are ready to marry have not done their homework. Unlike you, who have been reading this book, they haven’t studied about stepfamily living, nor have they considered the spiritual implications of such a decision. In addition, they are typically having sex and in a hurry to tie the knot. None of this was true for Mike and Charlene. They had successfully managed their sexual temptations, had sought outside counsel and wisdom about the tasks of becoming a stepfamily, were being very patient with the dating process, and were very much in love with each other. So what was the problem?
The closer they got to marriage, the more Mike realized he didn’t have any desire to raise more children. Charlene’s kids were about to enter adolescence, and he knew how much emotional energy that would require of him; he just didn’t want to be responsible for them or to them. He felt very bad about this. His first question to me was “Is there something wrong with me? Am I just being selfish?”
“Selfish would be marrying her under false pretenses and then disengaging from the kids,” I said. As we talked through his feelings, it became clear to me that Mike was not a self-absorbed man. He just didn’t want more kids, and he knew that if he married Charlene he couldn’t go halfway in parenting. It was an all-or-nothing decision. I agreed.
I was impressed with Mike’s self-awareness and honesty with Charlene. They had discussed this numerous times, and again the conversation led him to admit that it wouldn’t be right to ask Charlene to keep waiting for him. This maturity impressed me.
But Charlene’s maturity throughout the conversation impressed me even more. She was the higher desire partner who had been waiting on Mike. She had been hopeful about a future with him—and even now still was. I’m sure the weight of his decision would not settle in until they really stopped seeing each other, but she took the hard news well. She could have responded out of her emotions—fear, rejection, disappointment—but instead she responded out of wisdom. As much as she wanted Mike in her life, she knew it wouldn’t be wise to talk him into staying or make accommodations in order to keep him. She also knew he needed to be all in or he wasn’t the best person for her and her children. Both were right in their honest assessment of the situation, and it led to the hard decision: It was time to go their separate ways.
Don’t agree to marry without both of you having a clear commitment that you can trust.
A Reasonable Expectation That Your Kids Are Open to a New Family and Will Be Blessed by It
Let me define some terms in this statement. It’s not reasonable to think your kids are open to having a stepparent and stepfamily if you have talked to them about it only a couple of times, if you have had a rapid first-date-to-engagement timeline, and/or if you think their fears are silly and assume they’ll get over them after the wedding. These aren’t reasonable expectations; they’re fantasy. You also can’t be sure without some objective input.
One of the best things a single parent can do is to invite an extended family member, a youth pastor, family friend, or grandparent to spend time listening to the children talk about their feelings related to the potential stepparent, his or her children, and the possibility of becoming a blended family. Kids just aren’t as transparent with their biological parent as they are with someone objective that they trust. In chapters in both The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad on later-life blended families, I share, for example, stories about adult children who told their widowed parent how excited they were that their parent was considering remarriage—only to later reject the stepparent after the marriage was final. Was the adult child lying? No. They, like younger children, have mixed feelings all at once and can genuinely be happy for their parent and sad for themselves at the same time. Inviting a trusted mentor or family member to explore both sides of the child’s feelings will give you objective feedback that can help you decide whether to move forward and what is the best timing. As I said in chapter 5, your children do not get to decide whether you marry. But only a fool doesn’t care whether they like the idea or hate it.
The second part of the section heading should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. Don’t marry someone unless you are convinced they will bring emotional, spiritual, psychological, and relational blessings to your children. This is your first obligation in making a decision to marry (not your personal happiness). God has entrusted your children to you, so you must consider the stewardship of their lives a vital priority in making a decision for marriage.
“Yeah, But How Do I Know?”
Now, having said all that, let me really frustrate you by stating the obvious. Even if your confidence in both couple and child relationships is high, mutual commitment is present, and a willingness to give the best of yourself in the loving service of the other is being lived out, you still won’t know that you should get married. At some level when you get right down to it, marriage is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees.
Recently I had dinner with a couple about to be married; their wedding date was about a month away. Megan had two children from a previous marriage that ended in divorce. Ryan, her fiancé, had never been married and didn’t have any children. One source of stress for the couple was Megan’s ex-husband, who was unpredictable and irresponsible, and a consistent fly in their ointment. But there was a lot of positive energy around Megan’s young kids, who loved Ryan and couldn’t wait for the couple to marry so he could “spend the night.”
As we talked, I began to pick up on Ryan’s apprehensions. As much as he loved Megan and her kids and wanted to join his life to theirs, he found himself wondering if he could follow through with the decision to marry her. The crux of the matter centered on what Ryan couldn’t control. As a single man, Ryan had been the master of his universe. A man who loved being in charge of his schedule, things, and family relationships, Ryan was now being challenged by circumstances and people (e.g., Megan’s ex-husband) that he could not predict, let alone control. He feared walking into something that would be a constant thorn in his manageability flesh. Did he want to marry Megan and her children? Yes. Did he know that doing so would work out well? No.
No one can know.
I told Ryan two things. First, he didn’t have to get married. Even though an announcement had been declared, plans had been made, and a date was set, he didn’t have to get married. He could bow out gracefully or just slow down the love train until his confidence increased.
Second, I attempted to calm his anxiety around not knowing. Wanting to be certain that things would work out was, ironically enough, a reflection of his need to control his life. If he married, he would have to do so knowing that he would never be certain about anything and certainly not in control of his world (something singles without kids often miss). Rather, he would have to trust God to teach him and Megan who they needed to be and trust that his and her commitment to each other would provide a protective climate around their relationship that would allow them to learn what God had to show them.
What Ryan—and you—can never know before marriage is who he needs to become in order to love his spouse and family. God will teach him that, and he’ll use the crisis of marriage, parenting, and life to show him what that looks like. For Ryan to put his faith in some constructed reality of what he knows is extremely nearsighted. At the end of the day, he will be much better off putting his faith in God’s ability to show him how to love, even while God is also showing Megan how to love.
What I’m saying is this: Even after dating well (and you ought to), exploring your fit as a couple, examining your fears (and you must), listening to and considering your kids’ needs, and pausing at every flashing yellow light (and you should ), marriage is still a leap of faith. And it’s in the falling that God teaches you to love another person the way his Son loves you.
The decision then is this: Are you willing to leap and take your kids with you?
Gaining Confidence
Confidence calms the heart and reduces anxiety. If some concerns are keeping your confidence low, I would encourage you to pursue resolution of those issues. But even if your confidence is high, it can be based on unrealistic expectations and assumptions—a figment of your imagination. For example, some have a blind confidence in their future, assuming that stressors during dating will automatically improve after a wedding. “Once we’re married and have more time together, we’ll be able to work through these things,” I heard one woman say. WRONG! Problems that exist before marriage tend to worsen after.
So how do you know if you have a false confidence? How do you resolve issues so you can consider the future? Get objective feedback. Here are two things to do.
Pre-engagement Counseling
I know you’ve heard of premarital counseling, but when your confidence about marriage is faltering, I suggest you seek out pre-engagement counseling. Sitting down with someone can really help you stay objective about the relationship and avoid being blinded by the fog of love. Explore your concerns and frustrations with someone, both individually and as a couple. This will help you make a more informed decision about marriage and perhaps work through some issues that may be lowering your confidence.
Take the Couple Checkup
You may have taken the Checkup earlier in your dating relationship, but feel free to take it again now. If gains have been made, you’ll see it in black and white. If not, you’ll see that, too. Either way, you’re getting valid objective feedback on the overall health of your relationship.
“We’re Engaged!” Making Announcements and Telling the Kids
Because confidence is high, each of you trusts the other’s resolve, and the kids are on board, you’ve gotten engaged. Congratulations! It’s time to make it known to the world.
I’m going to make an assumption (which is always dangerous, by the way!). If you get engaged, it will not be a surprise to your kids. If they are blindsided by it, you’ve probably skipped a step (go back and read chapter 5). Assuming you’ve been having an ongoing dialogue about your relationship and their feelings about it, and assuming your dating has moved at a pace that has allowed them to see its growth and have time to bond with your partner (and if present, their children and extended family), then the engagement announcement should not be a huge surprise to them. It will certainly be a reality check—but it should not blindside them. Still, you have to tell them.
Telling the Kids
Given the diversity of children’s ages, genders, personalities, developmental needs, and family history (e.g., family closeness, parenting history, loss events, etc.), it would be absurd for me to tell you exactly how you should tell the children about your engagement. Instead, I’ll share some things for you to consider and the two of you can pray for wisdom as you decide how to proceed. In addition, when I asked my focus group of single parents what worked for them, a number of best practices rose to the surface. Let’s learn from two case studies.
Kelsey shared, “Before we got engaged, we had already been preparing the kids for many months, telling them we were moving toward marriage. In the beginning we sensed some resistance, but as they came to see the difference in us as a couple, they have come to accept the situation.” Let’s notice a few things that are important. First, not only had Kelsey and her boyfriend been defining their relationship to each other, they had been defining it to their children, as well. When the time for engagement came, it wasn’t a surprise because the kids had a few months to prepare themselves emotionally and express any concern.
Second, by having multiple conversations with the children over time, this couple strengthened their leadership voice with the children. Including them invites respect from children even while the kids’ input helps the adults to objectively evaluate the possible fit of family members. The couple will also be wise to continue having multiple conversations throughout the engagement period about life after the wedding, changes the children will have to face, and how they feel about all that is happening (see chapter 10). Ongoing dialogue is crucial to staying emotionally connected and helping the family journey forward.
Third, note that the reality of marriage initially brought some child resistance to the surface—it usually does. We’ll talk more about that later in this chapter.
Another single parent, Melissa, and her fiancé, Bruce, reported this when asked how they told their kids about their engagement. “We have kept open lines of communication with both our children throughout our dating. Before he proposed, he sat down with his kids and I sat down with mine and we talked openly about what they thought of the other partner. Also, because my kids’ father passed away, Bruce and I wanted to make sure they understood that he wasn’t replacing their dad, but was just going to be a father figure. We asked my kids if they thought their dad would approve of Bruce helping me to raise them; they said yes.”
I love that Melissa and Bruce spoke individually to their children. If the other partner and their children are in the room when you tell them you’re engaged, you might not get a completely honest response. Better to create an environment conducive to freedom of expression. Next, note that right from the start they proactively defined for the kids some of the implications and boundaries of the new family. By telling them that Bruce wasn’t going to replace their father, they helped the kids know what to expect from him and what they didn’t have to fear in him. Another helpful strategy is to provide as many facts as possible about how their lives will change after the wedding. For example, share “Here is our timeline for a wedding and where we will live; this is where you’ll go to school; and here’s what we’re going to do to ensure that your time with your mom/dad in the other home is maintained.”
Melissa and Bruce also showed honor to the kids’ deceased biological father and kept his place in the family alive by asking what he would think about Bruce stepping into their lives. This declares that their approach of forming the blended family will be one that expands the emotional system of the former family and includes family members past and present, rather than one that tries to shrink the emotional system and cut out important people. At a time when so much is changing, children need to hear this from their parent and future stepparent and then see this spirit of grace lived out day after day.
Melissa made one more comment. She noted that she and Bruce have daughters the same age that competed often. When planning how to make their announcement, they tried to anticipate the issues they would have and tried to be sensitive to their needs by individually reassuring each that she was loved. I would extend this strategy to every child (not just those in competition with a future stepsibling). Bathe your pre-, during-, and post-announcement conversations in reassurance of your love and commitment to them. One of the predictable reactions from children to a parent’s engagement announcement, especially those who have already lost connection with a parent or significant family member, is a feeling of insecurity. Life is about to change—again—in another huge way. Kids need to know they haven’t lost your love, attention, nurturing, or availability. Reaffirm your love for them over and over.
Volcanic Eruptions. From time to time, even after couples have done due diligence in preparing their kids for an engagement and feel confident the children are in favor of the marriage, children erupt when an announcement is made. Others erupt after the wedding. This unforeseen eruption can be explained this way: It isn’t real until it’s real. Only when the realities hit home do some children experience resistance and anger at the idea of their parent’s marriage (not unlike the sinking feeling most of us get as our wedding day approaches and the “Dear God, what have I done?” question hits our brain).
When this happens, the trick is not to panic. What is needed is a turning toward the child’s negative emotions and the courage to coach them into understanding what they are feeling and what they will do with it. A couple who responds negatively to a child’s reaction will likely do one of two things: either dismiss their feelings (defensively try to explain to the child why they don’t need to feel that way), or back away from the engagement decision to placate the child. Neither is helpful. Instead, recognize that the eruption is a function of fear and insecurity and articulates how significant this change is for the child. Refer back to the discussion of Learn to Tune In and Turn Toward in chapter 8, and acknowledge the child’s feelings so you can earn the right to coach them through the negative emotions and insecurity. This is not to say that you can resolve the child’s fears; this is not about fixing them. It is about remaining connected to them and their pain.
Telling Parents, Extended Family, and the Children’s Other Parent
Talk with your fiancé and perhaps the children (if they need a voice in how this happens) and decide how to inform your extended family and your ex-spouse about the engagement. They, too, have a vested interest in your life and the lives of the children and will need to be respectfully considered. A principle to keep in mind when deciding who should tell whom is that blood talks to blood and ex-spouses talk to ex-spouses. Each of the adults should tell their own extended family members and ideally the children’s other biological parent. An exception to the latter would be if doing so will erupt violence or a hostile response from an ex.
Planning or Preparing?
Once everyone knows about your engagement, it’s time to start preparing. Unfortunately, once engaged, most people shift gears from working on a relationship to planning a wedding. But engagement is just the beginning, a passing from a phase of evaluation to a new phase of preparation, that is, preparing to become a family. In the next chapter I’ll outline some key steps to take and what to look for as blended family living approaches.
Discussion Questions
What do you think of them? Would you add more?
4. Now rate your current relationship on each point above on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest). Explain your rating.
5. Share what would be difficult about being in a relationship where one is ready to marry and the other isn’t.
6. Discuss this statement: Even after dating well (and you ought to), exploring your fit as a couple, examining your fears (and you must), listening to and considering your kids’ needs, and pausing at every flashing yellow light (and you should ), marriage is still a leap of faith. And it’s in the falling that God teaches you to love another person the way his Son loves you.
7. Review and discuss these tips for telling the kids once a decision to marry has been made. What additional ideas would you add to the list?