Once people get over the misperception that they should magically be able to “clear their minds” during meditation, they start to believe that if they have thoughts, they should only be pure thoughts of enlightenment and bliss. Ironically, this mind-set often keeps folks from talking about one of the biggest benefits of meditation: better sex. In fact, this chapter may be the number one reason you picked up this book. If that’s the case, I’d like to open by saying, You’re welcome.
Now, at first glance, it may seem a little out of place to have a chapter on how meditation makes you better in bed in a book that is designed for high achievers—after all, this is not exactly the sort of thing that will typically help you get ink on a contract. But have you ever felt as if your sex life was in something of a rut? If so, it kind of makes everything in life a little duller, doesn’t it? On the other hand, the morning after you rocked your partner’s world (and maybe even had your own mind blown in the process), you walk around with a little extra swagger and a little more confidence that you could do anything, didn’t you? That’s what I’m talking about. Up-leveling your performance in the bedroom, besides being a pretty fantastic benefit in and of itself, can also help you up-level your performance in the boardroom. (Besides, we high achievers tend to be a little competitive and want to feel safe in the knowledge that we are the best at everything.) As the saying goes, how you do anything is how you do everything. So let’s talk specifically about how the 3 M’s can up-level your performance in the bedroom.
Mind-blowing sex may seem like an unlikely benefit of meditation, but the Z Technique can actually do much more for you in the bedroom than Viagra. For too long, meditation has been associated with asceticism and monks, which is why it’s taken us so long to get around to exploring its effects on sex (just in case you needed one more reminder that this practice is definitely not for monks).
A student of mine who is a lawyer in New York City came to Ziva because he was dealing with anxiety. He joined a group meditation one year after he started with Ziva and said, “You joked once before about meditation making my sex better, but what’s happening for me is crazy. It feels un-meditate-y to say, but my sex life is stunning now.” Animalistic, raw, and mind-blowing were the most memorable adjectives he used to describe his newfound sexual prowess. He told me that since the first week of taking the course, he noticed not only that he was able to last much longer during intercourse, but also that he felt more control over his orgasms and had much more energy, and a stronger sex drive as a result.
Another student vouched for the fact that, after only one week of being fully committed to a regular, twice-a-day practice, she had an orgasm every single time she and her partner had adult playtime—a fact that had definitely not been true before she came to Ziva.
Obviously meditation was not the only contributing factor in these scenarios—after all, it takes two to tango—but based on what we regularly hear from Ziva graduates, these experiences are not at all uncommon.
So why do the 3 M’s make you better in bed? Well, let’s consider context first. Many of us are stressed out, whether from work, our relationships, money, or any of our many responsibilities. We’re often so caught up in our heads that we’re not fully in touch with our bodies. We’re also frequently so busy reviewing the past and rehearsing the future that we’re not present in the right now. None of these things are ingredients for a great sex life. And on top of everything else, increased levels of cortisol and adrenaline from stress decrease both sexual desire and sexual performance. Sexual trauma can also play a role here. Remember: We shouldn’t be asking how meditation can do so much good, but how stress can mess up so many things.
But there are a few other reasons, besides the basic biology of stress release, that help make these mental techniques such powerful tools for improving your sexual performance.
How many times has being “too tired” been your excuse for not having sex? You’re not alone: Exhaustion is one of the most common reasons couples don’t have as much sex as they would like. According to a recent study by the National Sleep Foundation, about one in every four married or cohabitating American couples claim they’re so sleep deprived that they’re often too fatigued to have sex.1 It’s pretty hard to feel turned on if you’re exhausted, and unfortunately, many of us feel so worn out after a busy day that the last thing on our minds is having a high-energy romp in the bedroom.
But remember that when you meditate, you de-excite the nervous system and give your body rest that is deeper than sleep; as a result, you actually feel more awake afterward. This jolt of energy may be just what you need after work to energize you for a passionate evening with your partner. No more “I have a headache” excuses. When you’re more rested, you feel better, and when you feel good, your body is far more likely to be ready, willing, and able to perform when you want it to. (Bonus feature: If migraines have been keeping you from getting busy, we have a 90 percent success rate with migraines at Ziva.)
Your new habit can help with so much more than just getting in the mood beforehand; it can help you during sex, too. Mindfulness strengthens the mind-body connection, making you more aware of your body and the moment-to-moment physical sensations running through it. When you’re experiencing the world through all five of your senses as opposed to just through your brain, you’re more receptive to every sensation—which is obviously pretty helpful when you’re having sex. This is another great reason to make sure you are already scheduling and committing to your daily Z Technique time, especially the first M: mindfulness. The Come to Your Senses exercise will help with this.
The act of de-exciting the nervous system also helps relax your brain and body, which makes it easier for you to become aroused. There’s a reason that almost every civilization since the beginning of time has had some sort of mating ritual; things like a nice dinner, champagne, oysters, chocolate, and music can help set the mood and relax you for sex. The more relaxed you are going into the act itself, the more likely you are to enjoy it and therefore the more likely you are to climax.
This is serious business—increased cortisol levels can prevent female orgasm entirely! According to a recent study, women whose cortisol levels exceed a certain amount can become physically incapable of orgasm.2 Think about it: Do you feel aroused when you’re stressed out? Probably not. And men are not off the hook. According to Nelson E. Bennett, M.D., an erectile dysfunction expert at the Lahey Clinic, “Stress, fear, anxiety, worry, and frustration cause your body to release adrenaline, which constricts your blood vessels, and that is bad for getting a good erection.”3
Meditation moves you out of fight or flight and into stay and play. Within a few days of starting a meditation practice, adrenaline and cortisol levels drop throughout the body. The meditation combined with mindfulness and manifesting will help your brain naturally begin producing more of those wonderful bliss chemicals, dopamine and serotonin, even during the hours of the day when you aren’t in the chair. This bliss chemistry sticks around in the body and helps to increase your sexual appetite and even increase the intensity of orgasm.4
Meditation also helps strengthen your sense of connectedness to your partner—or feeling connected to your own body if you’re enjoying some “me time.” Instead of being distracted about what happened at work today or your to-do list for tomorrow, you’re better able to stay in the right here, right now. Additionally, meditation increases mirror neuron functioning, meaning you’re more likely to be highly attuned to what your partner is feeling (more on that in a bit). This fact, coupled with the fact that you’re relaxed and present, gives you the potential to be a far more intuitive and generous lover.
Most of us have an overdeveloped left brain, and as you know, the left brain’s job is to review the past and rehearse the future. This can keep us trapped in a past/future thought cycle and rob us of the ability to be fully present in the right now, which is the only time an orgasm can happen.
The right brain is in charge of present moment awareness, and this is the part of the brain that meditation takes to the gym. The longer we have a daily practice, the more cohesion and neuroplasticity we create, which balance the right and left hemispheres of the brain. The result of this is an increase in attention, awareness, and computing power for the task at hand . . . and depending on what you’re into, it may take quite a few hands! Nobody likes a distracted lover. The experience is better for everyone when you’re fully committed to the moment.
“You complete me” is probably the most damaging phrase to come out of Hollywood. No one can complete you. As we learned from the chapter on the “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome, no partner, job, degree, or number of zeros in your bank account can complete you. Your new Z Technique is going to contribute to your sex life in that it helps you access fulfillment internally, which is the not-so-obvious key to a successful relationship with another person. Meditation gives you a means to access the happiness inside you, making you less likely to look to or for a partner to complete you. (Besides, when is neediness ever attractive?) When you’re able to access your own fulfillment and bliss internally, you’re able to show up 100 percent in a relationship, making you a better partner. If you’re 80 percent fulfilled, the relationship will be a place to deliver that fulfillment, not somewhere you go to get the missing 20 percent. Imagine how much more enjoyable it would be if your relationship was an outlet for your fulfillment versus a place to try (and fail) to fill yourself up?
If you haven’t heard about mirror neurons yet, get ready. Scientists say that mirror neurons are going to do for psychology what unlocking the mystery of DNA did for biology.5 Think of mirror neurons as tiny boomerangs emitted from your brain that go and dance with your lover’s mirror neurons and then report back. Mirror neurons allow you to “intuit” what your partner is feeling. They are why you cringe if you watch someone getting hurt and smile back automatically when someone smiles at you. Mirror neurons are one of the reasons porn is a multibillion-dollar industry; simply watching someone else being pleasured can create pleasure in your brain. They are, essentially, the biological basis for empathy.
Get this: As meditation develops new synapses and neural pathways in the brain, it also increases mirror neuron functioning. This helps you to receive more pleasure from seeing your partner have pleasure, which will make you a far more intuitive and generous partner.
Here’s the icing on top of all this sexy cake: You can incorporate elements of the Z Technique into your pre-sex routine to help you, in real time, get away from overthinking about the reports that are due tomorrow or worrying that all your bits and pieces aren’t as perfect as you’d like them to be, and get in the best possible headspace (which is, basically, no headspace at all).
Remember the Come to Your Senses exercise you learned as the mindfulness element of the Z Technique? Well, here’s another place you can use this tool to pull yourself decidedly into the present moment.
Either in the shower, before a rendezvous, or as you prepare your space, simply take a few deep belly breaths and walk yourself through each of your senses: hearing, feeling, seeing, tasting, and smelling, then all five at the same time. Really giving yourself full permission to be so deliciously human, so incredibly present in your body. The more you practice this ritual, the more natural it will become, and the easier it will be to perform while you’re brushing your teeth, folding back the covers, and putting on—or taking off—your sexiest lingerie. Really good sex, after all, calls upon all your senses. (That’s what being “sensual” means, after all—engaging the senses in a heightened manner.) By the time you reach the end of this quick roll call and are holding all your senses simultaneously in one awareness, you’ll be so deeply in the moment that your logical left brain will be ready to sit down, shut up, and buckle in for a wild ride.
Okay, Emily: I definitely love the sex tips and all, but I picked up this book to help me up-level my career. I hear you, buzzkill. Fine, let’s bring this conversation back to the extremely practical side of things—namely, how your new and improved sexual empowerment will help you reach new heights of creativity and innovation in the boardroom as well as the bedroom.
Have you ever stopped to think why Taylor Swift, Adele, and virtually every country star have built careers on writing songs after heartbreak? It’s because creative energy and sexual energy are essentially the same thing. Have you ever started working out after a breakup? Did you ever write a poem or take a painting class after heartbreak? Sexual/Creative energy needs an outlet, and when a relationship ends, that sexual energy can start to manifest in other ways, whether it’s writing songs, writing poetry, or repainting your room. It is important to be aware of this because if you don’t turn that unused sexual energy into something creative, it can become destructive (e.g., the weeklong bender, the Netflix binge, or maxing out your credit cards shopping online).
It is true, of course, that sex can harness some of that creative energy, which may seem like a disadvantage when you’re looking to increase your innovation at work—at least at first. But consider the fact that increased sexual performance actually creates more sexual energy (we want to keep doing what we’re good at, right?). This means that an up-leveling in our sex lives can lead to an up-leveling in our professional productivity. I say this with a word of caution, however; sexual and creative energy are resources, a kind of energetic currency, if you will, and it is wise to be conscious of how you’re choosing to use them. It’s not advisable to dedicate 100 percent of this intense energy to sex, just as it’s not healthy to channel it 100 percent into work. (“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” right?) You should be sure you’re expending that capital in the ways that best serve your current priorities.
The good news, however, is that they are renewable resources—ones that can come back stronger each time they are exhausted and replenished. When you feel that you’re thriving sexually in a reciprocal relationship, your confidence in your other abilities will increase. Conversely, when your career performance is surging forward, you’ll likely feel more energized in all areas of your life, including your sexuality. After all, very little puts you in the mood to “celebrate” as much as a major success, contract, or promotion. Find harmony between work and play that helps feed the cycle of confidence and empowerment, and reap the rewards!
The most important link between mindfulness and really good sex is that the former makes us more present—which means you can enjoy each micro-moment, rather than looking at sex as an outcome-oriented task. As you continue to take your brain to the gym, specifically by strengthening your right brain, you’ll find the beautiful benefits of being fully in the present begin to fill every corner of your life . . . including the bedroom.
Being present does not mean you live entirely in the moment at all times at the expense of your responsibilities; it simply means you no longer allow stress to dictate your life or define your experiences—not your career, not your personal goals, not your relationships, not your sex.
Think of the sexiest person you can. What attributes come to mind? Do they exude confidence, intelligence, and humor? Do they wear their body well (whatever that means to you)? Do they make you feel like you’re the only person on the planet when they talk to you?
You know who you probably didn’t include on that list? Someone who is freaking out, frazzled, messy, slouchy, down on themselves, sallow, or sick-looking. Stress isn’t sexy, and neither are its effects on our brains and our bodies. But someone whose mind is dynamic and whose body is healthy—whether that is through sharp, chiseled muscles or soft, inviting curves or some delicious middle ground—embodies the things we are biologically hardwired to find attractive in a mate.
Conversely, health, wit, and self-assuredness are all generally the traits we would all wish for ourselves, too. We are always better lovers when we are feeling confident and sexy ourselves. Do you want to be thought of as attractive and engaging? Vibrant and vigorous? Adopt a practice that will allow you to move away from whatever is detrimental to your physical and psychological wellness, and toward your best self. That’s what this practice can do for you. That’s sexy. It makes you want to close your eyes and dive in, doesn’t it?
Ziva Case Study 8
A First Time for Everything
I like to think of myself as being in touch with myself on a sexual level and had never been one to be afraid of voicing my needs to a partner. That said, I was pretty frustrated that for the first six years of my life as a sexually active adult, I had never been able to achieve an orgasm just from intercourse. Not even close. Since I had a fulfilling (or so I thought) sex life outside of this, I chalked it up to being “just one of those women” for whom it wouldn’t happen. I had many friends who were similar, so I pretty much gave up on internal orgasm being a possibility. Writing that now makes me cringe.
Later, when I took my Ziva course, I didn’t pay much attention when Emily discussed the potential sexual benefits. I thought about it much more as a stress reliever/cognitive performance thing for me, not realizing that it’s all connected. I thought at most it meant stronger, more pleasurable orgasms—not necessarily more of them or a different kind. I also wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so this wasn’t top of mind for me. (I was, however, a basket case at work. Go figure.)
A few months into my practice, I started seeing someone and noticed almost immediately that my external orgasms were much stronger, despite a fairly predictable experience otherwise. Then one day, in the middle of having sex, I was completely caught off guard and had an orgasm! I stopped what I was doing immediately and said, “Well . . . that was weird,” and explained to him that it was the first time that ever happened for me. It was an ego boost for him, even if I knew the real reason behind it!
Since that time, having an orgasm exclusively from internal stimulation is a much more frequent occurrence. I’ve noticed, too, that the times when I’m not as regular with my daily practice, they become more elusive. It’s become one of the primary motivators for keeping honest with my two-times-a-day sitting (who doesn’t want more orgasms?), since I can almost always count on it happening for me if I am at my most relaxed and present.
This has been a huge selling point for meditation for my friends as well. Once I told my friends who thought they were also “just those women” for whom it wouldn’t happen, they all started to believe my hype. I even got one to take the zivaONLINE course, and when Emily asked in the online community why she was there, she answered, “I’m here for the orgasms!”
Eyes-Open Exercise
Heart to Heart
This exercise is about establishing a bond with your partner, creating that sense of generosity and openness that inevitably leads to heightened intimacy and connection. This exercise might be out of the norm for most couples, so I recommend asking first. You could try something like, “Hey, do you want to try something new that might enhance our sex life?” If your partner agrees, then follow the steps below.
For a guided visualization for better sex, head to www.zivameditation.com/bookbonus.