How many times have you said the following words: “I’ll be happy when . . .”?
We all do it—sometimes in small, seemingly insignificant ways, sometimes in giant, life-altering ways. I’ll be happy when . . .
I call this “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome, and it’s hard to avoid. If you’re living on planet Earth, there are hundreds of thousands of people spending hundreds of billions of dollars to make you feel like your life is incomplete right now—but you will be happy when you get _______. The problem is that whatever appears in that blank for you will quickly be replaced by something else the moment you actually get the thing you wanted. We live in a culture that mistakenly believes it’s possible to acquire our way to happiness.
Most of us have no idea we’ve been infected with “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome, even though the symptoms are clear:
This syndrome can be a drain on your mental and physical energies because it makes you willing to suffer through your current situation, hoping and slaving away to create a better future for yourself, rather than thriving in it. It robs you of the opportunity to experience your bliss right here and right now.
Sometimes we confuse devotion with a right to suffer. Devotion and dedication to a cause are wonderful things; making ourselves miserable in the hope that something will shake out in our favor someday is not. The standard mind-set in society today is to live eyeball-deep in the acquisitive approach to fulfillment, where happiness hinges on the other side of what lies ahead: I’ll be happy when . . .
We’re willing to allow—or even encourage—ourselves to suffer in the present because of the alleged payoff in the future. We make our existence on Earth about the mythological pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But we never find the pot of gold, do we? And if we did, we’d simply want another pot.
If you pin your happiness on climbing to the top of one mountain, what will you see when you reach the top? A beautiful view, a sense of how far you’ve come—and all the other peaks you haven’t climbed yet.
What about when you were young and broke, and spent much of your day hanging out, wishing you had the money to do whatever you wanted? What was your dream? To grow up, make money, and enjoy financial freedom. When you had a bike, you wanted a car. Once you got a car, you wanted a boyfriend or girlfriend to drive around in it. Then you had that boyfriend or girlfriend and you wanted to get married. Then you got married and you wanted kids. Now you’re an adult, and you miss the days when you could spend much of your day hanging out instead of working to cover your bills, saving for retirement, and managing your money all day. Our happiness becomes a carrot we keep chasing, and then we die.
The point is not to throw out your ambition, but simply to be wary of allowing your ambition to control your fulfillment and believing that you have to be unhappy now in order to be happy someday. The reality is that there is no need to make yourself miserable pursuing a dream. Happiness is only ever found in the present moment. The question is, do you have a tool to help you access it right here, right now, or are you telling yourself, I’ll be happy when . . .
I’ll say it again for dramatic effect, your happiness exists in one time—right now—and in one place—inside you.
This is a nice intellectual concept, but it can be frustrating if you don’t have the tools to access it or experience this physically in the now. If you don’t have the capability to access your immediate, internal bliss, it’s not going to magically happen when you have a certain number of zeros in your bank account or sell your screenplay to Steven Spielberg or make partner in your firm.
Have you ever wished your roommate would move out so you could be happy? Or that your partner would go to therapy so you could be happy? Or that your family would start meditating so you could be happy? We’ve all had these kinds of thoughts, but I believe you can actually take your power back from these situations—and meditation is a powerful tool to help you do so.
Instead of giving away your power to everyone else by making your happiness dependent on theirs, why not find a means by which to access your own bliss and fulfillment? This is one of the most beautiful benefits of meditation: You actually cultivate a practice to access your own fulfillment internally so that when you come out of your meditation, you’re no longer under the illusion that your happiness lies on the other side of anyone or anything. In this way, we start to become more self-reliant instead of object-reliant for our own happiness. When we meditate, we begin to understand that we hold the keys to our happiness because the practice gives us a way to access our least excited state of awareness, which is where our bliss and fulfillment have been living all along.
This might be a good time to talk a little more about the concept of “bliss.” It’s a word I’ve used quite a lot so far in this book, and it’s something we all have at least a vague concept of, but I want to clarify exactly how I’m using bliss in this context. Bliss is not a synonym for happiness; it’s not cotton candy and bubbles and lollipops. Bliss is the piece of you that knows everything is okay—it may be an infinitesimal piece of you that knows, deep down, that things are playing out exactly as they’re meant—even when you’re sad, even when you’re lonely, it is possible to experience bliss. In Judaism, it would be similar to what is captured in the word shalom; in Christianity, it would be “the peace that passes all understanding.”1 Bliss is that beautiful, powerful sense of being that trusts inherently that things are exactly as they should be. As we meditate, this background of bliss gets stronger and easier to access, even during challenging times.
Bliss: The piece of you that knows that everything is okay. It’s important to note that bliss and happiness are not synonyms. It’s possible to experience bliss even when you’re sad, angry, or jealous. Bliss is the piece of you that knows everything is playing out as it is meant.
A lot of meditators report this shift from external chasing to internal fulfillment. Once they begin a regular practice, they find themselves becoming increasingly aware that nothing—not a new job or an amazing apartment or a new relationship or an old relationship—is the true source of their happiness. When you tap into the very source of fulfillment inside you, that deep stillness and connectedness has the profound ability to change your world. In case you didn’t catch it the first time around, happiness exists in one place (within you) and one time (right now). There are no further conditions or restraints. And the more you meditate, the more you cultivate that internal bliss until you’re proving it to yourself viscerally, physically, and tangibly. It starts to be your twenty-four-hour-a-day reality.
Not sure what I mean? Consider my favorite passage from the Vedas: “The truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.”
We’ve all been there. We’ve all wanted that one job to be the perfect job so badly that we forgot to read the out clause in the contract; we all wanted that one person to be our perfect person so badly that we put blinders on and overlooked the fact that on the first date they were drinking too much and didn’t tip the server (just me? cool, moving on . . .); we’ve all wanted that extra zero in our bank account so badly that we were willing to do whatever it took to get it. The thing is, when we’re racing or, worse, suffering through our lives with this longing, it makes us very attached to the outcomes of our desires. Have you ever been so attached to the outcome of something—a first date, a job interview, closing a deal—that you ended up sabotaging the opportunity just when you had your big shot because you came across as way too desperate or needy?
What happens when we meditate and de-excite the nervous system is that the mind settles, the body settles, and, for a few moments, we find ourselves spontaneously and innocently in a space of no thought, no mantra; we move out of the realm of thinking and into the realm of being. We access our least excited state of awareness, which is where our bliss and fulfillment hang out. That’s right—our bliss and fulfillment . . . hanging out . . . right there within us the whole time, just waiting to be accessed. Every spiritual text has been saying this since the beginning of time: What you seek is in you. We even have this saying painted on a giant mural in our New York City studio. It’s great as an intellectual concept, but it’s much more powerful to be able to experience that twice a day every day—which is exactly what this practice provides. It gives you a means by which to experience contentment internally.
When you experience that inner bliss and fulfillment, it wipes the longing away from your lens of perception because the mind and body cannot fathom anything that would bring them greater fulfillment than what they are already experiencing in the meditation. As a result, the mind falls silent. And when you come out of the meditation, you’ve wiped some of the longing away from your lens of perception because you just accessed your fulfillment internally. The result is that life comes into sharper focus—you are no longer under the illusion that your happiness will come on the other side of any person, place, or thing.
This, in turn, allows you to see things more accurately for what they really are, which means you’re less likely to make a mistake. And what is a mistake? It is a miss-take: You took something to be one thing when it was actually something else. All too often, it’s our own desperate desire to find that elusive sense of fulfillment in something external that leads us to view it with “eyes clouded by longing.” When we remove those clouds, we can see the truth more plainly—the truth about people, the truth about our circumstances, and the truth about our desires. The potential to recognize your bliss—the bliss that your own body is capable of creating and fostering—is something you carry with you at all times. Think about how amazing that is for a moment. No other human and no other thing can provide it for you; you are already entirely enough. You simply need to learn how to access that limitless source of fulfillment waiting for you inside.
Once you start to commit to your twice-a-day Z Technique, you will start to see for yourself that you’re no longer under the illusion that your happiness exists on the other side of any person, place, thing, or achievement. As a result, you’ll find yourself becoming more adaptable to the circumstances that surround you, rather than insisting that everyone else change. Because you’re no longer under the illusion that you’re dependent on anything external for your happiness, you’re no longer emotionally devastated when those things inevitably change or “fail you.” That’s not to say you won’t feel sadness or disappointment in certain situations, of course, but those fallible things will no longer have the power to control your mood the way they once did.
This reclaiming of your power is not some big, public proclamation where you announce to the world over social media, “Attention, everyone: I’m taking my power back and I don’t need any of you!” Tempting as that may be at times, what I’m talking about is actually a very subtle internal shift in your perception of what is necessary for you to feel a sense of fulfillment. Suddenly, you begin to carry yourself differently and interact with society in a more confident and self-assured way, all because you’ve embraced the beautiful and radical notion that you are enough. This is a much more powerful and elegant way to live than to constantly be in pursuit of something that will never fully satiate all your longings.
Detachment is sexy; neediness is not. I love this concept so much that I want to make a T-shirt that reads on the front, detachment is sexy, and on the back, neediness is not. Rather than seeming desperate, a person who has tapped into the very source of bliss gives off an air of contentedness that projects unflappable self-confidence. And isn’t that the dream, after all—to be the person in the room who is most comfortable in his or her own skin? That’s what I mean by “taking your power back.” Instead of being dependent on other people’s decisions, judgments, and actions for your sense of happiness, you will have a healthy level of detachment with your potential romantic partners, with clients, with colleagues, with possessions, and with ambition. You don’t need anyone’s approval to feel good about life, nor do you need any object or status symbol to feel complete. Happiness is truly an inside job.
“Hold up, Emily. In chapter 1, you spent a lot of time talking about how awesome and powerful manifesting is, but now you’re telling me that the stuff I want is coming from a place of neediness and keeping me down?”
It might seem like the two are in conflict, but bear with me while I explain the difference.
When you make the decision to up-level your life by incorporating twice-a-day sitting into your routine, you’re essentially embracing the most beautiful kind of surrender—trusting that Nature has your back and relinquishing control. These are two extremely difficult things for many of us to do, but when we’re clinging to our desires so tightly, our hands are too clenched to receive what Nature has in store.
Can manifesting become just another addiction, if all we do is spend our meditation time thinking about all the awesome things we’re wishing for? Absolutely! As we said before, manifesting is not magical thinking. Manifesting isn’t simply an opportunity to redirect your neediness to the universe. Manifesting is, however, a chance for you to get crystal clear on your goals and be disciplined about taking time to imagine them as if they are happening now. As you do this, you open yourself up to what Nature may have in store for you, if you’re ready to receive it. Here is where the Z Technique shines; the combination of meditation and manifesting is so much more powerful than the sum of its parts. Meditation supercharges your manifesting ability because flooding your brain and body with dopamine twice a day helps you release your death grip on your desires, so you are no longer under the illusion that your happiness lies on the other side of the attainment of them. Paradoxically, this allows you to hear those subtle whispers from Nature. It also helps to increase something I call “deserving power,” which is what you believe you deserve. Reminder, we don’t get what we want in life, we get what we believe we deserve.
Manifesting is not an extension of “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome because you’ll quickly come to recognize your happiness does not hinge on the desire becoming reality. When it does, of course, that’s a beautiful thing. But what you’ll begin to see is Nature’s GPS, unfogged and calibrated for your personal journey, directing you toward the path it wants you to explore; your manifestations will begin to feel less like plans you’re dreaming up on your own and more like manuals to prepare you to maximize the opportunities and experiences that lie ahead.
This leads us to the final and most important point on this topic: delivering your fulfillment to the world.
If reading about the “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome is hitting a little too close to home, the first thing to know is that you aren’t alone. Nearly every single person in contemporary Western society has, at one time or another, struggled with it. There are billions of dollars of advertising built on top of keeping us in that mind-set. The question is whether you want to stay in that struggle or transcend it.
Remember that, according to the Vedas, your happiness exists in one place—inside you—and in one time—right now. Easier said than done, right? Well, meditation’s benefits extend to this aspect of finding fulfillment as well, because it helps you recognize how you can effectively devote yourself to something bigger than you. As your longing is wiped away from your perception, you’ll begin to perceive your deepest desires as rooted not in a desperate scramble for happiness, but borne out of it. In other words, meditation allows you to transition from being a bag of need looking for fulfillment to fulfillment looking for need.
I want you to think about that for a moment. Instead of being someone full of unmet wants, going through life looking for a way to get your needs met, you can be someone full of contentment, going through life looking for needs that you can meet, looking for ways to contribute. When you’re in tune with your own fulfillment internally, you can deliver that to the people and circumstances you encounter. Soon, you’ll be able to see specific needs around you more clearly and think creatively about how to meet them. Quite innocently and spontaneously, you will start to find joy in being of service.
What’s more beautiful than complete and total devotion to something you believe in, something bigger than yourself? That something can be anything you consider worthwhile that extends beyond the parameters of your own life: creativity, being a parent, being a partner, devoting yourself to your divinity, helping the homeless, saving the environment, mentoring children. It doesn’t matter what the thing is; what matters is that you throw your heart and soul into it. This is the difference between devotion and suffering. Suffering for a dream keeps the focus on you and what you get from it. Devotion removes the ego—it gets the self out of the way because the self is already fulfilled.
I truly believe that the more you devote yourself to something bigger than yourself, the more you’ll enjoy yourself along the way. Joy multiplies—that is, rather than focusing on making one person (yourself) happy, you’ll be focusing on the collective, giving to many people, animals, or the Earth. Who cares if there’s a pot of gold at the end of an imaginary rainbow if you’re unhappy chasing after it your entire life? Who cares if the destination is amazing if the journey there was terrible? Life is short—why embrace unnecessary misery? But giving because it feels great to give, creating for the sake of creation, becomes the reward in itself.
This is at the heart of countless religious teachings, and for good reason. When you take yourself and your individual goals out of the top spot and focus instead on the betterment of someone or something else, you become an active participant in the creation of a better world, which lifts everyone. I work with a lot of young entrepreneur clients who are inspiring to me—they’re so devoted to identifying unmet needs and determining what gifts they have that can best serve those needs . . . and then doing it.
But how do you figure out what to make the object of your devotion? If you haven’t yet found your passion, it can be frustrating to hear other people talk about their life’s work or purpose. How did they find it? And why haven’t you found yours? Don’t we all secretly wish we’d been born with an instruction manual—a little set of directions for how to live our lives? I actually think we were, but most of us don’t really know how to listen to it. The idea that we each have only one mission or one quest is debilitating and can keep us from ever getting started. I don’t think you have only one mission; I think each person has a number of challenges to solve. Which challenges you solve and how you solve them—well, that’s up to you.
But you don’t have to figure it out alone. I have found four questions that can help you narrow down the search from a world full of possibilities to a much narrower, much more personal cause that is meaningful to you. These questions can help you learn how to trust your desires as Nature’s GPS and get you out of the “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome.
Ask yourself:
So how does meditation play into this? Well, let’s review what we know about meditation: It’s the fastest way to release stress, which means you can make better decisions. It activates your right brain, which means your intuition gets stronger and more honed every day. When we meditate, we can more elegantly tell the difference between our addictive longings (money, sex, perceived success, and so on coming from individuality) and our intuitive desires, which are “downloaded” from totality. Plus, as you know by now, within thirty to forty seconds of starting a session, your brain and body flood with the bliss chemicals dopamine and serotonin; when you’re full of bliss, you can approach your desires and decisions from a clear-eyed state of fulfillment rather than a state of neediness. Sounds nice, right?
Remember that during the practice you are going to learn in the next chapter, you’re actually tapping into the source of fulfillment when your body releases the bliss chemicals it already makes naturally; as a result, you’ll feel less confused by what you should do because you’ll be making decisions from a place of contentment rather than suffering or panic. Because they’ll be most closely aligned with your beliefs and goals, they’ll also ultimately end up being the most prudent, most creative, and even the most lucrative decisions.
One of my favorite quotes is, “Water the flowers, not the weeds.” It’s so simple and yet so powerful. That is ultimately the goal of combining meditation and manifestation: We put our attention on what we want to grow—the meaningful, the powerful, and the blissful—and let neediness, dissatisfaction, and stress wither away. Meditation helps pluck those negative attributes out of our body and nervous system. Manifestation, meanwhile, helps us get specific about what things have the potential to blossom into something beautiful.
The thing to remember is that breaking free from “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome does not mean your goals and ambitions will go away; just the opposite, in fact. You’ll very likely experience a stronger drive to accomplish than ever before. The difference is that your attachment to the outcome will not be so paralyzing because you know your happiness is not outcome dependent. You’ll be free to think and act with a creativity and confidence that you may never have known before, and your decision-making will be steered by sharp intuition rather than clouded by fear or desperation.
Of course, you’ll still feel the full range of human emotions; meditation doesn’t turn your feelings off. When you learn how to access your inner bliss, you do not negate your capacity for sadness, jealousy, nervousness, and the like. Those thoughts and doubts and nagging notions are part of the human experience, but as you grow in your daily practice, your internal bliss will grow as well, along with your ability to tap into it more easily.
Eyes-Open Exercise
Water the Flowers, Not the Weeds
Gratitude Exercise: Every morning and every night, write down three things you are grateful for. You could do this on your phone (my personal preference), so you always have your journal with you to reflect on when you need it. Oprah says this is the most important habit she ever adopted. This exercise helps train your brain to look for things that are going right instead of constantly searching for problems you think you have to solve.
Gratitude is one of the fastest ways to break yourself out of “I’ll be happy when . . .” syndrome. You’ll already be practicing this every day as you transition between the meditation and manifesting portions of the Z Technique (which we will discuss in chapter 8), so this exercise should get easier until it becomes second nature. Don’t worry too much about getting it “right.” Even on the days when you feel there is nothing going your way, simply asking the question “What am I grateful for?” is enough to change the chemistry of your brain!