Esme promised to call Brooke at 8:30 pm to discuss the upcoming reunion picnic they were planning. Brooke was so exhausted from working late it was all she could do to fling off her shoes before lying down, yet she stayed awake until 11:00 pm waiting for Esme’s call. She finally gave up and went to sleep. The next morning Brooke saw Esme never called. She was frustrated over losing two hours of potential sleep when she was super tired. As the day wore on, Brooke got more and more annoyed. She began cursing Esme with every long blink, yawn, and head nod. A couple of days later Brooke arrived early to their weekly Saturday morning meet-up ready to let Esme know just how she felt about being stood up. As soon as Esme walked over to the table she started apologizing to Brooke. She told her the story from the other night. Esme’s son had gotten sick and threw up in his bed. Before they could stop her, their dog jumped up onto the bed, ran through the mess, and tracked it all over the room. Esme and her husband had to shampoo the carpet, bathe the kid, bathe the dog, and wash all the bedding. Then they took turns holding their son until finally ending up in the emergency room where they learned he had salmonella and was severely dehydrated. He was just released from the hospital Friday evening.
When was the last time someone you know didn’t answer your text or show up when they said they would? What was your first reaction? Did you “just know” they were doing it on purpose? Were you “so sick” of them standing you up? Don’t ascribe intent that isn’t there. Most of the time people do not intend to be mean or rude, life just happens. They fell asleep and didn’t call. They lost their job and could not afford to send you a holiday gift. While shopping they genuinely forgot you can not eat poppy seed muffins. There is no benefit to holding the anger in until you see them. It does not help you and it does not help those around you. If you are upset with someone all day at work for losing your favorite stapler, aren’t you more likely to say something unkind to a person in your way at the store, or to pick a fight when you get home? Similarly, if you get into an argument with your spouse before you leave for work, aren’t you more likely to be harsh with your co-workers? I am.
Until you learn the real story, presume the best. Use the fact this person is your friend or family member and they care about you as evidence they probably did not slight you intentionally. Ask questions and learn what happened, then decide what to do about the situation. If your friend did not call because they got a last minute invite to a restaurant opening and decided to go without you, it is your responsibility to let them know how that makes you feel. When someone keeps repeating a pattern you don’t like, say something. They probably don’t even know they hurt your feelings, so approach the situation with compassion. Do not continue being upset and letting it eat at you. Find a way to address the issue within yourself or with them, and find a way to move forward.
Next time you start getting worked up about someone slighting you remember to flip it. Think about what they are doing and then consider what would need to happen to make you display the same behavior. For example, Esme promised to call Brook. When she didn’t call, Brook could flip it and think, “What would stop me from calling Esme if the situation were reversed?” Maybe Brook wouldn’t have called if she had to work late, if she ran into an old friend and got caught up talking, or if she got distracted by a last minute project and remembered to call too late in the day. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider what might be happening on their end, not just what has happened on your side.