Brian and Stephanie had Brian’s parents over for dinner. In an attempt to make conversation, Brian’s mom asked Stephanie if she had seen the new movie about some people trapped on an airplane. Stephanie said they had not seen it yet, but they were really looking forward to seeing it in the new luxury theater the following weekend. Brian’s mother got all excited and began telling Stephanie the movie was about two main guys on a plane, one younger, and one older. Then she went into the back-story of the characters. Stephanie tried to stop her by mentioning they were planning to see the movie, but it did not matter. Brian’s mom continued and insisted she wasn’t giving anything away. Brian’s dad cut in to say she might be telling too much and Brian tried to change the topic, but she just kept on. She missed all the social queues to stop; like when Stephanie got up to take dishes to the sink and when Brian suggested they may be more comfortable in the living room. After a 20 minute soliloquy about everything except the very last scene, Brian’s mother had pretty much ruined any remaining suspense the movie might have held. All the way up to the bitter end she insisted she “wasn’t really giving anything away.”
Once, similar events happened to me about five times within three weeks. When this happens the frustration isn’t finding out what happens in the story; it is someone’s failure to take your feelings or requests into consideration when telling their story. A spoiler feels like a mini-betrayal. The other person was so involved in sharing their own experience they failed to consider yours. Positive relationships are built on mutual trust. To create a relationship which is beneficial to both parties, each person must tune in to what the other person needs and wants. Sometimes you need to be willing to listen more than talk.
Get some practice in listening and observing. You can listen to the birds, to nearby conversations, to nature, to traffic, or anything happening around you. Spend at least 10 minutes focusing on what you might usually ignore, and try to pick up on something new. Sometimes when my brain is distracted by focusing on the outside world I can subconsciously solve problems I couldn’t previously solve while focusing directly on them. Sometimes when I listen and observe I hear familiar sounds such as a train in the distance. Other times I hear something interesting like a parent explaining to a child why the leaves change color in the fall. What do you observe when you listen?