Justin and Kendra were married for just over four years when they had their first child. They both worked while Kendra’s mother watched the baby during the day. They didn’t make much money, but they were making ends meet and staying out of debt. After the birth of their second child things got more tiring and stressful, but Kendra was determined to make their marriage a success. She went to work early so she could get home in time to cook dinner for their family. She enlisted her friends to watch the kids over the weekend so they could have time alone together, but it did not seem to help. Justin became more and more distant: always watching TV, working on projects in the garage, or going out with friends. Soon however, she thought things were getting better. He started asking how her day was and he even brought her flowers once. A few weeks later a friend called to tell her she had seen Justin having an intimate dinner with another woman.
At first, Kendra was devastated but hey, it was just dinner. Maybe there was an innocent explanation. That night she confronted Justin. He confessed to having an affair, saying things like, “Well, it just sort of happened” and “She just kept asking me to date her.”
Distraught, Kendra filed for divorce. She gained primary custody of the children and now had to work even harder as a single mother. Justin failed to make the assigned child support payments, claiming he couldn’t afford them. Eight months after their divorce Kendra was on Facebook and saw photos of Justin with his girlfriend on vacation in Cancun – at the exact same resort where they went for their honeymoon.
Well, that burns. Forget salt in the wound. This is like chopping jalapeños without gloves, forgetting to wash your hands, and then rubbing your eyes. A betrayal like this is hard to recover from. You just want to hide from the world doing whatever repetitive behavior you find most comforting: eating, sleeping, shopping, watching TV, something more destructive. You know what your favorites are. After your time of self pity, try to remember there are people in the world who need you. You need you! Don’t let the jerk ruin your life – it’s your life.
Forgiveness is not for them it is for you. Nothing can hold you back like the unwillingness to forgive. The pain consumes your thoughts, colors your feelings, and influences your actions. Just like planting a garden or raising a child, the things you nurture are the ones that thrive. If you nurture your frustration and anger they will grow into hate, and that is all you will have. Actual forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. It may even take professional counseling – and that’s ok. To begin, focus on being willing to forgive. Allow yourself to want to let go of the anger and the pain. Then you can figure out what steps you will need to take to truly forgive.
Forgiveness gives you control over your feelings and your thoughts. It takes time to forgive someone for what they have done. Remember, holding hate in your heart eats away at your soul, so be patient and do not give up on reclaiming your life.
No need to panic. I’m not going to ask you to forgive some big injustice in one day. That would be unrealistic and unreasonable. Instead, do something you may not have done since you were a little kid – lie down under a tree. This is one of my favorite exercises and I don’t do it often enough. For at least 10 minutes be still and look up into the branches. Collect your thoughts or let them run free. Listen up, observe, relax, think, let go.