YOU CAN TELL YOU ARE FAR NORTH WHEN THE SUN COMES UP AND IT’S STILL DARK.
YOU CAN TELL YOU ARE FAR NORTH WHEN ALASKA IS WEST OF YOU.
You can tell you are far north when bison appears on the menu. There is an ancient English joke:
Question: What’s the difference between a bison and a water buffalo?
Answer: You can’t wash your hands in a water buffalo.
[Warning this joke has to be said aloud in a cockney accent or it is incomprehensible.—Ed.]
Everyone has made it up to Edmonton, though not without some delays. The bus party changed Skip’s plan and left Fargo early and consequently had to sit at a border crossing for five hours. They were not very happy but hello…that’s why Skip spends so long making these plans. I am not at all looking forward to life without Skip. Okay, so the sex isn’t as good, but he’s always smiling and glad to see me. He was there waiting at the airport after having left Tucson at the crack of dawn. A wife is just no substitute for a chap like this. My prolonged absence on the road has given me a whole new perspective on marriage. I always suspected that being white, male, and married sucked. Now I’m sure of it. A married man has all the freedom of a mollusk. They are essentially bivalves with credit cards. For a woman the point about having a husband is the same as having a fashion accessory. Or a diamond. You don’t need one but you have to show other women that you can get one. I have been married since I was ten. Well, since 1969 anyway, except for a few short years of freedom in between. I’m not sure I can entirely recommend it. It seems a very inefficient way of getting laid. No wonder the French ignore the rules. I am thinking of writing a very brilliant piece on the current state of matrimony. It will be so good that the New Yorker will call up and beg me to reprint it, Graydon Carter will ask me philosophical questions about it, future generations will quote it, and it will become a famous statement about married life in the twenty-first century on a par with Lord Chesterfield and his cigarettes. [He’s rambling.—Ed.] It will go something like this [Kiss your female demographic good-bye.—Ed.]:
Meditations on the State of Marriage
by a frequently grumpy married man
New rules for the wary.
1: Never travel with your wife.
For many women the real point about marriage is to have someone to carry their bags. When I see men at airports laden with luggage and screaming kids, pushing trolleys or standing patiently in line while their women go off to the bathroom or make that extra purchase of makeup and magazines, I am tempted to perform an intervention. I notice black men are more successful at avoiding the married state. You don’t see African American men at airports covered in baggage in tow to a smartly dressed female busy working a cell phone call to her sister-in-law. If you’re going to stay married, for God’s sake travel separately. Then she’ll pay some poor schmuck to hump all the bags that she has to bring because she cannot make up her mind what she might need to wear once she gets there.
2: Do not complain.
Remember that as a married man you rank somewhere below the dog. Get used to being invisible. Where the dogs and children get a tremendous greeting on the wife’s return, it can often be up to half an hour before a married male is noticed. It’s not that you are ignored, you are unseen. You are the thing that is not there. Practice being grateful for any attention.
3: Get used to being overweight.
The single male is sexier, thinner, better paid, and more active intellectually. This fattening-up process is deliberate. An overweight mate is less of a temptation to other women.
4: Sex after marriage: Don’t count on it. The longest a married man has had to wait for sex in my knowledge was five years. Admittedly this is an extreme case, but sex and marriage go together like a horse and cabbage. If it’s sex you want, stay single.
4: Sexy underwear: Forget about it.
Women change after marriage, but not into Victoria’s Secret underwear. Victoria’s Secret underwear is strictly for the unmarried woman. This is her secret weaponry in the sex war. Her weapons of mass seduction. Looking longingly at the Victoria’s Secret catalogue is the closest a married male will get to enjoying that skimpy red underwear. It makes her feel too fat, or it’s uncomfortable, or it’s demeaning, or she simply doesn’t have time to put all that stuff on. None of this she said when she was crawling around the carpet making goo-goo eyes at you trussed up like a turkey. But you proposed, fella, so take a good look, brother, because from now on it’s all winceyette pajamas and woolen body wraps.
5: Pregnancy: Kiss your nuts good-bye.
Once they get pregnant, oh boy, are you screwed. Or not screwed, actually. The Estrogen Nazis come in and take away your sweetheart and replace her with a snarling replacement in a slightly larger body size.
6: Who is to blame?
Get used to this: You are. For everything. The married state is that of a docile donkey standing around nodding waiting to be thrown a straw. The most common refrain of the married male is, “Yes, dear.”
7: The change of life.
Women go through menopause but men go through womenopause. You’ll notice the signs. You’ll start yearning to make your own decisions. You’ll consider taking up golf just to get out of the house. You’ll plan and take long business trips, in the vain hope that in the hotel bar you’ll meet the perfect woman: someone who wants to fuck you and then leave without asking your name.
This is not a good idea for two reasons: the woman who wants to fuck you without asking your name is a professional called Dolores, who will charge you and may leave you with more than you bargained for. Secondly, when married for a long time it is unpleasant to discover that the single state is not only tolerable but preferable. It’s tantamount to being guillotined and finding out life was better with a head. So make up your mind to forget the joy of being able to go somewhere when you said you would, or leave when you feel like it or live without waiting for someone to finish their makeup or make just one more call or feed the dog or change their mind about the restaurant or get out of the bath or feel insecure about their hair or go online to get their e-mail or set a tape. …A married male should not experience shore leave and liberty. It will only make him unhappy. There are no weekend passes in marriage.
8: Get used to waiting.
Time has no meaning in marriage. “Whenever” is a precise definer. “Whenever” means “Whenever I am ready.” All married men are on whenever time. Seven means whenever. Eight means whenever. Eight thirty means whenever. Remember, women have a whim of iron. Learn to accept. Be like the Buddha. Do not sit in the car with the engine running, the music turned up excessively loud, screeching in frustration at the top of your lungs. You know you aren’t going anywhere until she’s ready and so does she. Just wait.
9: Do not consult a divorce lawyer. Ever.
The only serious reason for men to remain married is that if there is one thing worse than marriage, it’s divorce. Divorce is like marriage without the money. You get even less sex, and you pay even more for it. For women divorce is so attractive it’s amazing they stay married for even a short time. “You mean you get the same money without the snoring old bastard?” What’s not to like? There are some exceptions to this rule. Sometimes alimony is worth it. Some women are worth paying not to have to live with. But you’d better be extremely wealthy.
10: The simple fact is this: Women should be married; men shouldn’t.
Of course none of this applies to my wife, the beloved Tania, who is a saint among women. She is the woman I was waiting for my entire life. And I have certainly been waiting for her ever since. Actually I think I stay with her because she makes me laugh. It isn’t just the fact she has a great ass. I’m not that superficial. Well, I am that superficial, but there is more to her than that. No, it’s the ass. Still, she does make me laugh.