walk holding on to furniture (cruise)Life’s a game to baby these days, or actually, due to a still relatively short attention span, many different games played in rapid succession. One game that will soon become particularly engaging: Dropping things (baby’s finally figured out how to let go of objects), seeing them fall, watching mommy or daddy pick them up, and then repeating the sequence over and over—preferably until parental backs are aching and parental patience worn thin. Push toys may become great favorites; as baby struggles to master the most challenging large motor skill of all—walking—these toys can offer the security he or she needs to stand and, eventually, put one foot in front of the other. This month you may also notice signs that your baby—small and cute though he or she still is—won’t be a baby much longer. Slowly but surely you’ll begin to glimpse behaviors (a growing independence, the dawn of negativity, primitive temper tantrums, a myway-or-the-highway mind-set) that fore-shadow the theme of the year that lies ahead: I Am Toddler, Hear Me Roar.
All babies reach milestones on their own developmental time line. If your baby seems not to have reached one or more of these milestones, rest assured, he or she probably will very soon. Your baby’s rate of development is normal for your baby. If you have concerns about your baby’s development (because you’ve noticed a missed milestone or what you think might be a developmental delay), don’t hesitate to check it out with the doctor at the next well-baby visit—even if he or she doesn’t bring it up. Parents often notice nuances in a baby’s development that doctors do not. Premature infants generally reach milestones later than others of the same birth age, often achieving them closer to their adjusted age (the age they would be if they had been born at term), and sometimes later.
By twelve months, your baby … should be able to:
walk holding on to furniture (cruise)
Maybe you don’t have a degree in child development, but when it comes to your child’s development, even the experts agree that you’re something of an expert. Unlike a pediatrician, who usually sees your baby only once a month or less—and who sees hundreds of other babies in between—you see your baby every single day. You spend more time interacting with your baby than anyone else. You probably notice nuances in your baby’s development that others might miss.
Whenever you have a concern about your child’s development—whether it’s because some areas are lagging, or because a skill that was mastered seems to have been forgotten, or just because you’ve got a nagging feeling that something’s not quite right—don’t keep it to yourself. Child development experts believe that parents are not only their children’s best advocates but can be key in the early diagnosis of developmental disorders, such as autism. Early diagnosis can lead to the kind of early intervention that can make an enormous difference in the long-term developmental future of a child with autism or another developmental disorder.
To help parents help their children better, doctors have pinpointed a number of developmental red flags to look out for as early as twelve months. Hopefully your baby’s pediatrician will screen for these red flags as well during well-baby checkups. But if you notice your one-year-old doesn’t exchange back-and-forth sounds with you, doesn’t smile or gesture with you, fails to establish and maintain eye contact with you, doesn’t point or use other gestures to get needs met, doesn’t enjoy playing social games such as peekaboo or patty-cake, fails to respond when you call his or her name, or doesn’t look when you point at something, let the doctor know. It could be that nothing at all is wrong. But further assessment, and perhaps referral to a specialist, can help determine whether there is reason for concern.
use a few gestures to get needs met
… will probably be able to:
play patty-cake (clap hands) or wave bye-bye (most children accomplish these feats by 13 months)
drink from a cup independently
pick up a tiny object neatly with tips of thumb and forefinger (many babies do not accomplish this until nearly 15 months; continue to keep all dangerous objects out of baby’s reach)
stand alone momentarily (many don’t accomplish this until 13 months)
say “dada” or “mama” discriminately (most will say at least one of these by 14 months)
say one word other than “mama” or “dada” (many won’t say their first word until 14 months or later)
… may possibly be able to:
“play ball” (roll a ball back to you; many don’t accomplish this feat until 16 months)
stand alone well (many don’t reach this point until 14 months)
use immature jargoning (gibberish that sounds like a foreign language; half of all babies don’t start jargoning until after their first birthday, and many not until they are 15 months old)
walk well (three out of four babies don’t walk well until 13½ months, and many not until considerably later. Good crawlers may be slower to walk; when other development is normal, late walking is rarely a cause for concern)
… may even be able to:
say three words or more other than “mama” or “dada” (a good half of all babies won’t reach this stage until 13 months, and many not until 16 months)
respond to a one-step command without gestures (“Give that to me”—without hand out; most children won’t reach this stage until after their first birthday, many not until after 16 months)
Each practitioner will have a personal approach to well-baby checkups. The overall organization of the physical exam, as well as the number and type of assessment techniques used and procedures performed, will also vary with the individual needs of the child. But in general, you can expect the following at a checkup when your baby is about twelve months old:
Questions about how you and baby and the rest of the family are doing at home, and about baby’s eating, sleeping, and general progress.
Measurement of baby’s weight, length, and head circumference, and plotting of progress since birth.
Physical exam, including a recheck of any previous problems. Now that baby can pull up, feet and legs will be checked when standing supported or unsupported, and walking if baby walks.
A test to check for anemia, if not performed earlier.
Developmental assessment. The examiner may actually put baby through a series of “tests” to evaluate baby’s ability to: sit independently, pull up and cruise (or even walk), reach for and grasp objects, pick up tiny objects with a neat pincer grasp, look for dropped or hidden objects, respond to his or her name, cooperate in dressing, recognize and possibly say such words as Mama, Dada, byebye, and no, and enjoy social games such as patty-cake and peekaboo; or he or she may simply rely on observation plus your reports on what baby is doing.
Immunizations, if not given before and if baby is in good health and there are no contraindications. Be sure to discuss previous reactions, if any, beforehand. (A test for tuberculosis will be performed only if your child is at high risk of having come into contact with an infected person. It may be given before, or at the same time as, the MMR vaccine.)
Guidance about what to expect in the next months in relation to such topics as feeding, sleeping, development, and child safety.
Recommendations about supplemental fluoride, if needed.
You may want to ask these questions if the doctor hasn’t already answered them:
What new foods can be introduced to baby now? When can wheat, citrus fruits, fish, meats, tomatoes, strawberries, and egg whites be introduced, if they haven’t been already?
When should you consider weaning from the bottle, if your baby is bottle-fed, or from the breast, if you haven’t weaned yet? When can whole milk be introduced?
Should you take your baby to the dentist? The AAP recommends that children have their first dental visit sometime between their first and second birthdays (sooner if they’re at high risk for tooth decay).
Also raise concerns that have arisen over the past month. Jot down information and instructions from the doctor. Record all pertinent information (baby’s weight, length, head circumference, immunizations, test results, illnesses, medications given, and so on) in a permanent health record.
Weaning may be just around the corner, or months (or even years) down the line. Either way, it’s a big step on that long road to independence—a step that means your child will never again be quite so dependent on you for a meal (though you can almost certainly look forward to many years of “Mom, I’m hungry! What’s for dinner?”). It’s also a step that’s almost as big for you as it is for your child, and one you’ll want to be prepared for physically and emotionally. For support and strategy dealing with this major milestone, whenever it comes, read on.
As the task of weaning your baby looms as large as any childcare challenge you’ve faced so far, it may be comforting to know that you’ve probably already begun the process. The first time that you offered your baby a sip from a cup, a nip from a bottle, or a nibble from a spoon, you took a step toward weaning. You’ve been taking baby steps ever since.
Weaning is basically a two-phase process:
Phase One: Getting baby accustomed to taking nourishment from a source other than your breasts. Since it can take a breastfeeding baby a month or more to catch on to drinking from a cup (and some a considerable time before they’re even willing to give such alternative methods of feeding a try), it’s best to introduce them well before you hope to complete weaning.1 That’s why it’s a good idea to begin Phase One of weaning now, even if you’re not planning to wean until age one or later (as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics).
The longer you wait to introduce a breast substitute (the cup being the ideal one at this age), the slower and more difficult weaning may prove to be. That’s because the older a baby gets, the more stubbornly opposed to change he or she becomes. If your baby proves particularly inflexible on the cup issue, you may need to break down resistance by:
Often moms have a harder time with weaning than their babies do—both physically and emotionally. Gradual weaning late in the first year or after the first birthday is likely to prevent any major physical discomfort. You probably won’t experience much, if any, engorgement (if you do, see tips below). Taking weaning slowly will also lessen the emotional impact on you—though, realistically, it won’t eliminate it entirely. Weaning, like menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period, is a time of hormonal upheaval, and the result is often mild depression, irritability, and mood swings. The feelings are often exaggerated by a sense of loss and sadness over giving up this most special relationship with your baby, especially if you don’t plan on having any more children. (In a few women, post-weaning depression, similar to post-partum depression, can be severe and requires immediate professional help; see page 672 for the warning signs.)
If weaning must be accomplished suddenly, especially in the early months when the milk supply is at its most copious, discomfort for the mother can be considerable. Extreme engorgement accompanied by fever and flu-like symptoms may result, and the chance of breast infection and other complications is much greater than with gradual weaning. Hot compresses and/or hot showers plus Tylenol may relieve some of the pain. Expressing just enough milk to relieve engorgement, but not enough to stimulate renewed production, may also help. Check with your doctor if symptoms don’t diminish after twenty-four hours.
Sudden weaning can also be stressful to a baby. If you must wean without any prior preparation, be sure to give your child plenty of extra attention, love, and cuddling, and try to minimize other stresses in his or her life. If you have to be away from home, see that daddy, grandma, another relative, or a doting baby-sitter remembers to do the same.
Several weeks after weaning, your breasts may seem totally empty of milk. But don’t be surprised if you’re still able to express small amounts of milk months, even a year or more, later. This is perfectly normal. It’s also normal for breasts to take time to return to close to their former size, often ending up somewhat larger or smaller. Frequently, they are less firm, as much because of hereditary factors and pregnancy as nursing.
Letting baby go hungry. The idea isn’t to starve baby, just to get to the point where hunger wears him or her down some. Try skipping (or postponing) one breastfeeding session a day and offering the cup. Given no other alternative, baby may decide to take a sip.
Staying out of the picture. As when you were introducing the bottle (if you did), baby’s more likely to be amenable to the cup when mom’s not the one offering it.
Varying the contents of the cup. Some babies are more likely to consider the cup if it’s filled with familiar breast milk. Others are more open to the experience if it doesn’t remind them of breastfeeding. In that case, substitute formula (before age one) or a juice-water mixture. After a year (and the doctor’s go-ahead), you can switch directly to whole cow’s milk.
Thinking about weaning from breast or formula at baby’s first birthday? Not sure what kind of milk should be filling those cups and bottles once you do? The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends whole milk—which provides the extra fat and cholesterol very young children need for optimal brain and nervous system development until they’re twenty-four months old. And not just any whole milk will do. For safety’s sake, choose only pasteurized (not raw) milk for your child.
Once you’ve replaced breastfeeding on demand or calibrated baby bottles with cup feeding, you may also be wondering how you’ll be able to tell whether your baby’s getting enough milk. The fact is, most young children who are offered a well-balanced choice of healthy foods and are allowed to eat to appetite will end up, on average, getting everything they need nutrientwise, including calcium. They’ll drink enough milk (and/or eat enough calcium-providing foods) each day (or most days) without their parents keeping track of every ounce.
If you’d like to be sure that’s the case with your baby, you can try this experiment: Measure out 3 cups of milk each morning for a week (baby’s daily requirement plus a little extra to allow for spillage). Pour it into a clean jar and refrigerate. Serve all your baby’s milk (for cereal, drinking, mashing with potatoes or other vegetables) from this supply. If it’s gone at the end of most days, baby’s meeting his or her requirement. Don’t worry if it isn’t completely drained every day, or if, once or twice during the week, plenty of milk is left over, especially if baby’s also getting calcium (and protein) in other forms (such as cheese and yogurt). If, however, baby seems to be regularly rejecting calcium- and protein-providing foods, talk to the doctor to see if you need to push the agenda a little more.
Be aware, too, that milk-loving toddlers can actually guzzle too much of that good thing, leaving little room for other foods in the diet. If your child regularly drinks much more than 3 cups of milk a day, particularly if he or she seems to be seriously slacking off in the solids department, you may need to cut down on the white stuff.
Varying the cups. If you’ve been trying a regular cup, try a sippy cup. If you’ve been trying a sippy cup, try switching to a regular cup. Cups decorated with characters are almost certain to be more appealing.
Persevering. Be patient and nonchalant (as if you couldn’t care less whether baby took the cup or not), and give it time. Eventually, all children learn to drink from a cup.
Phase Two: Cutting back on breastfeedings. Unlike a smoker giving up cigarettes or a chocoholic giving up chocolate, cold turkey isn’t the best route for a baby giving up the breast. Nor is it best for the mother whose breasts are being retired. For the baby, it’s too unsettling. For the mother, there are not only the emotional issues (compounded by the sudden hormonal havoc that will result) but the physical ones. Leaking, engorgement, clogged ducts, and infection are all more likely if nursing stops suddenly. So unless illness, a sudden need for travel without baby, or some other event in your lives makes hurried weaning necessary, take it slowly. Wean gradually, beginning at least several weeks—and up to many months—before your targeted weaning completion date. Postpone the process entirely at a time of change (major or minor) in your baby’s life—such as when a new baby-sitter is taking over, mommy is returning to work, or the family is moving to a new house.
The most common approach to weaning is to begin dropping feedings one at a time, waiting at least a few days, but preferably a week, until your breasts and your baby have adjusted to that loss before imposing another. Most mothers find it’s easiest to omit first the feeding baby seems least interested in and takes the least amount at, or the one that most interferes with her own day. In the case of a mother who works outside the home, that’s often the midday feeding. With babies under six months, who are mostly dependent on milk for their nourishment, each dropped breastfeeding should be replaced by formula. With older babies and toddlers, a snack or meal (with a drink in a cup) can replace the nursings, as appropriate.
If you’ve been breastfeeding on demand, and demand has been quite erratic around the clock (in other words, baby’s been taking the snack bar approach), you may have to become a little more regimented—getting down to a fairly regular schedule and a somewhat reduced number of feedings before you can get serious about weaning.
No matter what a mother’s schedule, the early morning and late evening feedings—which provide the most comfort and pleasure for both mother and baby—are usually the last to go. Some women, in fact, continue to give one or both of these feedings to their otherwise weaned babies for weeks or even months, just for the joy of it. (This option isn’t available for everyone; some women find that their milk supply diminishes rapidly once they cut nursing back that far.)
For some women, particularly those who are at home full-time, cutting down on all feedings, rather than cutting out individual feedings, is a method that works well. Here’s how it works: To start, the baby is given an ounce of formula (or whole cow’s milk if baby’s already passed his or her first birthday) from cup or bottle prior to each Breastfeeding, and then allotted less time at the breast. Gradually, over the course of several weeks, the amount in the cup or bottle is increased and time at the breast for each feeding is decreased. Eventually the baby is taking adequate quantities of formula or milk, and weaning is accomplished.
Occasionally illness, a bout of painful teething, or a disorienting change of locale or routine (such as might occur on vacation) can lead to backsliding, with baby demanding the breast more often. Be understanding and don’t worry—such a setback will be only temporary. Once baby’s life is back to normal, you can begin your mission anew.
Keep in mind that nursing is only one part of your relationship with your baby. Giving it up won’t weaken the bond or lessen the love between you. In fact, some women find that the relationship is enhanced as they spend less time nursing and more time actively interacting.
During weaning or once weaned, your baby may turn to other sources of comfort, such as the thumb or a blanket. This is normal and healthy. He or she may also hunger for extra attention from you, so give it freely. Most babies don’t, however, seem to miss breastfeeding for very long. Some, in fact, move on so quickly that it takes their mothers—often still misty-eyed themselves as they think back on the good old days of nursing—aback.
“Everyone in the family is gearing up for my daughter’s first birthday. I want the party to be special, but I don’t want it to be too much for her.”
Many parents, caught up in the excitement of planning a party for baby’s first birthday, seem to lose track of the fact that baby is still—in many ways—a baby. The gala they so painstakingly stage is rarely suitable for the guest of honor, who is likely to end up cracking under the pressure (of too many guests, too much excitement, the wrong kind of entertainment) and spending much of her celebration in tears.
To plan a first birthday party to remember, instead of one you’d rather forget, follow this strategy:
Keep the invites light. A room too crowded even with familiar faces will probably overwhelm your birthday pixie, with clinging and weeping the likely results. Save the long guest list for her wedding, and keep this crowd intimate, limiting it to a few family members and close friends. If she spends time with other babies her age, you may want to invite two or three; if she doesn’t, the occasion of her first party probably isn’t a good time to launch her social career.
Ditto the decor. A room decorated with all that your local party store has to offer, and then some, may be your dream but your baby’s nightmare. Too many balloons, streamers, banners, masks, and hats, like too many people, may prove too much for a one-year-old to handle. So decorate with a light hand, perhaps in a theme you know she’ll appreciate (a favorite character, for example, or colorful teddy bears). If balloons will round out your party picture, remember to dispose of them postparty—tiny tots can choke on the rubber scraps left after balloons go pop (Mylar is a safer choice).
Time it right. Scheduling is everything when it comes to a baby’s party. Try to orchestrate the big day’s activities so that baby is well rested, recently fed (don’t hold off her lunch figuring she’ll eat at the party), and on her usual schedule. Don’t plan a morning party if she usually naps in the morning, or an early afternoon party if she usually conks out after lunch. Inviting a tired baby to participate in the festivities is inviting disaster. Keep the party brief—an hour and a half at the most—so she won’t be a wreck when the party’s over or, worse, in the middle of it all.
Let her eat cake. But make sure it’s not the kind of cake she shouldn’t eat (one with chocolate, nuts, or honey). Instead serve up a carrot or banana cake topped with unsweetened fresh whipped cream or cream cheese frosting—shaped like, or decorated with, a favorite character if you’re doing the baking and you’re feeling artistic. Serve your confection à la mode if you like, with ice cream. Cut the cake at your baby’s usual snack time, if possible, keeping toddler portions small to avoid waste. Finally, if you choose to put out party nibbles, choose them with safety as well as nutrition in mind. A birthday party’s no time to risk a baby’s choking on popcorn, peanuts, cocktail franks, grapes, raw vegetables, or small chunky pretzels. Also for safety’s sake, insist that all young guests do their eating sitting down.
Don’t send in the clowns. Or magicians, or any other paid or volunteer entertainment that might frighten your baby or a playmate. One-year-olds are notoriously sensitive and unpredictable. What delights them one minute may terrify them the next. Also don’t try to organize the toddler set into formal party games—they’re not ready for that yet. If there are several young guests, however, do have a selection of toys out for nonstructured play, with enough of the same items to avoid competition. Simple, safe favors such as brightly colored large rubber balls, board books, or bath toys are a fun extra and can be handed to young guests just before the gifts are opened.
Don’t command a performance. It would be nice, of course, if baby would smile for the camera, take a few steps for the company, open each present with interest and coo appreciatively over it—but don’t count on it. She might learn to blow out the candles if you give her enough practice during the month before the party, but don’t expect complete cooperation, and don’t put the pressure on. Instead, let her be herself, whether that means squirming out of your arms during that party pose, refusing even to stand on her own two feet during the step-taking exhibition, or opting to play with an empty box over the expensive gift that came in it.
Record it for posterity. The party will be over much too quickly, and so will your baby’s childhood. Recording the occasion in pictures or on video will be well worth the effort.
“Today is my son’s first birthday, and he hasn’t even attempted to take his first step. Shouldn’t he be walking by now?”
It may seem appropriate for a baby to take his first steps at his first birthday party (and great adult entertainment, to boot), but few babies are willing or able to oblige. Though some start walking weeks, or even months, earlier, others won’t totter toward the momentous milestone until much later (sometimes when mom and dad aren’t around). While passing the first birthday without a step may be a disappointment to the relatives, and especially those who’ve dragged out the video equipment to capture history in the making, it in no way signals a developmental problem.
The majority of children, in fact, don’t start walking until after their first birthday. And the age at which a child first steps out, whether nine months, fifteen months, or even later, is no reflection on his intelligence or his future success in any area (even athletics).
When a baby walks is often related to his genetic makeup—early (or late) walking runs in families. Or to his weight and build—a wiry, muscular baby is more likely to walk earlier than a placid, plump one, and a child with short, sturdy legs before one with long, slender ones that are difficult to balance on. Or to personality—a child who’s a risk-taker is more likely to rise to the challenge of walking sooner than a child who’s naturally cautious. It may also be related to when and how well he learns to crawl. A child who is an ineffective crawler or who doesn’t crawl at all sometimes walks before the baby who is perfectly content racing about on all fours.
A negative experience—perhaps a bad fall the first time a tentative one-year-old let go of a parent’s hand—can also delay those first steps. In such a case, the child may not take a chance again until he’s very steady, at which point he may take off like a pro, rather than with the stiff awkwardness of an amateur. The child who’s been pressured by overeager parents to endure walking practice sessions several times daily may rebel (particularly if he has a stubborn streak) and walk independently later than he would have if he had been allowed to do it on his own terms and at his own pace. The first steps of a baby who’s had his energy zapped by an ear infection, the flu, or other illness may be put on hold until he’s feeling better. A child who’s been virtually waltzing from room to room may suddenly regress to the two-step-and-tumble when under the weather, only to rebound just as quickly once he’s feeling himself again.
Now that your toddler is on two feet, or almost so, you may be tempted to try out that favorite childhood activity: holding hands (one parent on each side) and being swung through the air. Resist. Because of a young child’s still rather loose joints, swinging him by the hands or suddenly twisting or tugging an arm (to get him or her moving faster) can result in a very painful (if easy-to-repair) dislocated elbow or shoulder.
A baby who’s always corralled in a mesh play yard (in which he may not be able to pull up to a standing position), strapped in a stroller, put in an Exer-Saucer, or otherwise given little chance to develop his leg muscles and his confidence through standing and cruising may walk late. In fact, he may develop slowly on other fronts as well. Give your baby plenty of time and space for practicing pulling up, cruising, standing, and stepping in a room that doesn’t have scatter rugs or a slippery floor to slip him up, and which has plenty of safe-for-pulling-upon furniture arranged close enough together for confident transfers or very short toddles. He’ll do best if he’s barefoot, since babies use their toes for gripping when they take their first steps; socks are slippery, shoes too stiff and heavy.
Though many perfectly normal, even exceptionally bright, babies don’t walk until the second half of their second year, particularly if one or both parents didn’t, a baby who isn’t walking by eighteen months should be examined by his doctor to rule out the possibility that physical or emotional factors are interfering with walking. But even at that age—and certainly at twelve months—a child’s not walking yet isn’t cause for alarm.
“We’ve left our baby with a sitter before. But now he makes a terrible fuss every time we start walking out the door.”
When it comes to a one-year-old separated from his parents for the evening, absence doesn’t just make the heart grow fonder, it makes the wails grow louder. And your baby is by no means alone in this sentiment. Separation anxiety affects most babies and toddlers to some degree, and some to a very pronounced degree.
Though it may seem like your child’s regressing—after all, a baby-sitter’s never bothered him before—separation anxiety actually is a sign that your child’s maturing. First, he’s becoming more independent, but with strings attached (to you). As he ventures off to explore the world on two feet (or on his hands and knees), he takes comfort in knowing that you’re just a toddle away should he need you. When he separates from you (as when he leaves your side to explore the playground), it’s on his own terms. When you separate from him (as when you leave him with a baby-sitter for a movie and dinner), it’s not. Enter anxiety. Second, he’s now able to comprehend the complex (for a baby) concept of object permanence—that when someone or something isn’t visible, it still exists. When he was younger and you left, he didn’t miss you; if you were out of sight, you were out of mind. Now when you’re out of sight, you’re still very much on his mind—which means he can miss you. And because he hasn’t yet grasped the even more complicated concept of time, he has no idea when, or even if, you’re coming back. Enter more anxiety. Improved memory—another sign of maturation—also plays a role. Your baby recalls what it means when you put on your coat and say “bye-bye” to him. He’s now able to anticipate that you will be gone for some indefinite length of time when you walk out the door. A child who hasn’t been left often with a baby-sitter (and seen his parents return often) may also wonder whether you’ll ever return. Enter still more anxiety.
While some babies can show signs of separation anxiety as early as seven months, it usually peaks between twelve and eighteen months for most. But, as with everything in child development, the timing of separation anxiety varies from child to child. Some babies and toddlers never experience it at all, while some suffer the anxiety much later, around three or four years of age. For some it lasts just a few months; for others it continues for years, sometimes continuously, sometimes on and off. Certain life stresses, such as moving, a new sibling, a new baby-sitter, even tension at home can trigger a first episode of separation anxiety or a brand-new bout of it.
Separation anxiety most commonly strikes when you leave your child in another care provider’s hands—when you’re heading off to work, going out for the evening, or dropping your baby off at day care. But it can also happen at night when you put your baby to bed (see page 484). No matter what the trigger, the symptoms are the same: He’ll cling to you for dear life (with superhuman baby strength that makes those arms and sticky fingers particularly difficult to pry off of you), cry uncontrollably, resist all attempts by the baby-sitter to calm him down, and make it perfectly clear to you that he doesn’t want you to leave. All of which will leave you feeling guilty and upset, wondering whether the separation is worth the anxiety it’s causing for both of you.
But as unsettling as it is for you, separation anxiety is a normal part of your baby’s development—as normal as learning to walk and talk. Helping him learn how to handle separations well now will help him handle them better as he turns into a toddler.
To minimize baby’s anxiety and your guilt, and to maximize his adjustment to being left with a sitter and separated from you, follow these steps before stepping out:
Make sure you’re leaving your baby with a sitter who not only is reliable but also will be understanding, patient, responsive, and loving, no matter how difficult he becomes during the separation.
Have the sitter arrive at least fifteen minutes before you’re planning to leave (earlier if it’s her first time sitting for your baby), so that the two of them can get involved in an activity (playing with the shape sorter or a puzzle, building with blocks, putting teddy to bed) while you’re still bustling around. Keep in mind, however, that your baby may refuse to have anything to do with the sitter (even if she’s a familiar one) while you’re still home. After all, consenting to playing with her might mean he’s consenting to being left with her. Don’t worry; once you’ve left, he’ll almost certainly agree to join in the fun.
If possible, try to schedule departures after naps and mealtimes. Babies are more susceptible to any kind of anxiety when they’re tired or hungry. (They’re always much more susceptible, too, when they’re sick—though if you simply can’t cancel your plans, there may not be much you can do about this.)
Give your baby advance notice of your departure. If you try to avoid a scene this time by sneaking out of the house while he’s not looking (or when he’s sleeping), he’ll panic when he notices you’re gone (or when he wakes up and you’re not there). He may also begin to fear that you’ll leave without warning at any time, and he may respond with excessive clinginess. Instead, tell him ten to fifteen minutes before you leave that you’ll be going out. Give him more time than that and he might forget, less and he won’t have a chance to adjust.
Take your baby’s anxiety seriously. Calmly and lovingly (but without a hint of distress) tell your baby you know he’s upset and that he doesn’t want you to leave, but that you’ll be back soon.
Make a happy ritual out of leaving, with a hug and kiss from both of you. But don’t prolong the good-byes or make them overly sentimental. Keep a smile on your face, even if he’s tearful, and try to look as if you’re taking it all in stride. (If you seem upset, he’ll figure there’s actually something to fear in this situation.) If there’s a window, he and the sitter can wave to you as you leave.
Reassure him you’ll be back. “See you later, alligator” is a good light phrase to use that he can begin to associate with your leaving and coming back. One day he’ll be able to respond happily with “After a while, crocodile.”
Once you leave, leave. Repeated appearances at the door after you’ve already “left” will make it harder on you, your baby, and the sitter.
If possible, start with short separations. Limit the first one to an hour or two. Once he’s confident that you will return, he may be comfortable enough with these short outings to be ready for longer ones. Increase the time you spend away by fifteen-minute increments, until you can stay away several hours at a time. As your baby gets used to being separated, you can extend your outings.
Let baby know when you’ll be back. Though your baby won’t yet understand, it’s a good idea to start plugging in concepts of time he will eventually be able to relate to: “I’ll be back after your nap” or “I’ll be back when you’re eating supper” or “I’ll see you when you wake up.”
Remember that separation anxiety doesn’t last forever. All too quickly, your child will learn to separate easily and painlessly from you. Possibly, for you, a little too easily and painlessly. One day, when your teenager heads off to school with a perfunctory “bye” and (if you ask really nicely) an even more perfunctory kiss, you’ll look back fondly on the days when you couldn’t pry those little fingers and arms off your leg.
“I was hoping to wean my son from the bottle at a year, but he’s so attached to it I can’t even get it away from him for a minute, much less permanently.”
Like a favorite teddy bear or blanket, a bottle is a source of emotional comfort and gratification for a small child. But unlike cuddly security objects, a bottle can be harmful if used improperly or used much past a baby’s first birthday.
Your one-year-old is ready to graduate from formula to milk. Only problem is, he’s allergic to cow’s milk, and your pediatrician has suggested that you substitute soy milk. But you worry that your toddler won’t get enough fat in his diet, since soy milks only have about half the fat of whole milk. Stop the worrying. While it’s true that soy milk alone wouldn’t provide all the fat a child under the age of two needs for optimum brain development, milk won’t be the only source of fat in your toddler’s diet. He’ll be getting plenty of fat from a balanced diet that includes meat, fish, poultry, and oils used in cooking. (Do ask your doctor about how your toddler can best meet all his fat requirements with other foods). After his second birthday, his fat requirements will be trimmed, anyway, to about the same as an adult’s.
Which means you’re right, there’s no time like the present for weaning. For the complete low-down on why it’s wise to wean now, see page 460. For tips on how to wean gently, see page 461.
“I’ve never put my daughter to bed awake—she’s always been nursed to sleep. How am I going to get her to sleep at night once she’s weaned to a cup?”
How easy it’s always been for your baby to suckle her way blissfully into dreamland. And how easy for you to nurse your way hassle-free to a peaceful evening. From now on, however, if you’re serious about weaning your baby from her nightcap, bedding her down is going to take a little more effort on both sides of the crib rail.
Like a habit for any sleep aid—from pills to late-night talk shows—a bedtime nursing habit can be broken. Once it is, your child will have mastered one of life’s most valuable skills, the ability to fall asleep on her own. To make this goal a reality, follow this plan, starting well before you plan to wean:
Keep the old rituals. A bedtime routine, with each item on the agenda carried out in the same order each evening, can work its soporific magic on anyone, adult or child. If you haven’t instituted a ritual yet for your baby, do so at least two weeks before you plan to wean her off the nighttime feeding. Also make sure environmental conditions are conducive to sleep: the bedroom dark unless baby prefers a night-light, neither too warm nor too cold, and quiet; the rest of the house maintaining a business-as-usual hum that lets her know you’re there if she needs you. (See page 426 for more tips on making a baby sleepy; also see the next question.)
Add a new twist. A few days to a week before W day, add a bedtime snack to your baby’s ritual (if it’s not already on the schedule). She can eat the snack after she’s in pajamas and while you’re reading to her. Keep it light but satisfying (a whole-grain mini-muffin and a half cup of milk (once she’s reached her first birthday), perhaps, or a piece of cheese and a rice cake), and let her enjoy it on your lap if she likes. Not only will the mini-meal eventually come to take the place of the nursing she’ll be giving up, but the milk will have a sleep-inducing effect. Of course, if you’ve been brushing baby’s teeth earlier in the evening, you will now have to move this part of the routine to after her snack. If she’s thirsty once her teeth have been cleaned, offer her water.
Break the old habit, but try not to replace it with a new one. Your baby may find an easy route to slumber in rocking, singing, or other sleep aids. But if you’d like her to develop sleeptime self-sufficiency, you’ll need to let her figure out how to fall asleep on her own. Do plenty of cuddling during the bedtime routine, then put her down dry, happy (hopefully), snug and drowsy—but awake.
If you’d like to stay a while, patting and reassuring her, that’s fine. See page 350 for more tips on helping a baby fall asleep on her own.
Expect some crying. Possibly, lots of it at first. Chances are your baby will resist this bold new approach to bedtime—loudly. Few babies will accept the switch without a fight, though some may accept it much more readily if mom (and her breasts, constant reminders of what was) isn’t the one doing the bedding down. But expect, too, that baby will adjust fairly quickly to a bedtime without nursing, as she will to all aspects of weaning.
“Our baby used to fall asleep easily and sleep through the night. But suddenly he clings to us and cries when we put him down—and also wakes up crying during the night.”
Separation anxiety, the familiar gremlin of the daylight hours that usually peaks between twelve and fourteen months, can also come out at night. In fact, since separating at night leaves a baby completely alone, it can become even more anxiety-provoking than daytime separation. The result: Another saga in the continuing story of the young and the restless.
Fortunately, it’s a story that doesn’t have to continue. For parents who co-sleep, there’s no issue, since there’s no separation. For parents who wish to keep (or make) their bed their own, there are solutions for nighttime separation anxiety. To help your baby conquer his fears of being alone:
Know that it’s normal. Most babies who experience separation anxiety by day will also experience it by night. It doesn’t mean that your baby’s feeling unloved or uncared for, or that you’re doing something wrong. It means that he’s growing up, but still has a ways to grow. (See page 480 for more on separation anxiety.)
Have a peaceful prelude to bedtime. Keep the hour or two leading up to bedtime as calm, reassuring, and nurturing as possible, especially if you’ve been at work all day, but even if you’ve just been busy around the house. Try to give your baby as much attention as you can, putting other matters (such as making and eating your dinner or catching up on paperwork) on hold until he’s asleep. This will help keep his stress level low before bedtime, while storing up some reserves of mommy and daddy attention.
Rely on routines. A bedtime ritual isn’t just sleep-inducing—it’s comforting at a time in your baby’s life when comfort is derived from consistency. Each night it reassures your child that the same events will take place in the same sequence (no surprises means fewer anxieties). A bedtime routine can also become the start of a nighttime cycle that your child will come to anticipate (instead of fear), predictably beginning with a bath, leading to sleep, and ending with waking up in the morning. Be sure not to stray from the routine in even the smallest way—switching the bath with the snack, or skipping the lullaby. A baby’s comfort comes from knowing exactly what he can expect. (See page 426 for more on bedtime rituals.)
Bridge the gap with a transitional object. Sometime around the first birthday, when transitions become so difficult for toddlers to make, a transitional (or comfort) object often helps bridge the gap. It could be a favorite small stuffed animal, a small blanket (for clutching; big blankets for covering are still not recommended at this age; see page 497), or even a crib-safe memento of you (such as a T-shirt you’ve worn). Not all young children derive comfort from such an object—but many do. Armed with the object, leaving you (and making that tricky transition from being awake to being asleep) can be less stressful.
Be reassuring but not sentimental. Give your baby a hug and kiss before you put him down in his crib, then say your good night. Consistency is important here, too; it’s best if you keep the parting words as routine as the rest of the bedtime ritual (something like “Nighty-night, sleep tight, see you in the morning light”). A loving but light tone in your voice will help; if your baby senses that you’re anxious about leaving, he will be, too.
If your baby cries, continue calmly and quietly reassuring him—gently putting him back down if he’s pulled up. But don’t pick him up, don’t turn on the light, and don’t stay until he’s asleep. Use this strategy, too, if your baby wakes up again during the night. Be consistent in your approach to comfort—using the same techniques, the same words—but also try to do progressively less each night (offering the comfort first from cribside, then from a few feet away, then from the doorway). A phrase like “Mommy (or Daddy) is right here. Go back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning” will reinforce the message that night will end predictably with day.
Be consistent. This deserves repeating. And repeating. Without consistency, life is confusing for young children. And without consistency, parenting techniques are doomed to failure. With resolve on your part, your baby will learn to handle nighttime separation anxiety—and stop fighting bedtime and sleep.
Try not to feel guilty. Staying with your child all night won’t help him overcome nighttime separation anxiety (any more than avoiding leaving him with a baby-sitter would help him overcome separation anxiety during waking hours)—a consistent routine, lovingly enforced, will.
Some babies also begin to wake up at night when they’re cutting their molars. If that seems to be the case, see page 427.
“My husband and I are very outgoing; we’re sort of surprised to see how shy our daughter is.”
A baby’s tentative nature around new situations and new people at this age is usually a result not of true shyness but of normal, developmentally appropriate behavior. Several factors contribute to this behavior, which is common in almost-toddlers and young toddlers:
Stranger anxiety. Some babies start exhibiting this reticence around any-one but mommy and daddy as early as seven months, but many don’t start shying away from strangers until closer to the first year (see page 429).
Separation anxiety. Situations that require socializing often require separating from mommy and daddy. Clinging at a play group or when a family friend tries to pick your daughter up isn’t necessarily a sign that she’s shy—just that she’s anxious about venturing off without you at this point in her development (see page 480).
“Unfamiliar” anxiety. For a newly mobile baby, the world is an exciting place to explore, but it can also be a scary one. The independence that comes with standing on your own two feet is exhilarating, but at the same time can be unnerving. In the face of so much change, older babies and young toddlers often shrink away from the unfamiliar, deriving comfort from continuity and consistency. This hesitant behavior can easily be interpreted as shyness.
Social anxiety. What may appear to be shyness may actually just be a lack of social experience. This is especially likely if your daughter has done most of her socializing with you or with a single care provider, and hasn’t been exposed from an early age to group situations (such as day care). It’s too soon to assume that your seedling won’t—with plenty of practice and a minimum of pushing—eventually blossom socially. By the third birthday, many toddlers who started out “shy” make rapid progress in the art of socializing.
Of course, some children are more shy by nature, others more outgoing. In fact, research shows that many personality traits are at least partially predestined by genetics. Some researchers have found shyness to be 10 percent the result of nature (with the remaining 90 percent determined by nurture); others feel that genetics plays an even greater role. Even if it’s a trait parents don’t display themselves, it’s one that they carry to their child’s conception. Though it’s possible for parents to help modify shyness in their child—and to help her become a part of the party, if not the life of it—it’s not possible for them to wipe it out entirely. Nor should that be the goal. Shyness should be respected as part of a child’s personality.
Though many “shy” children retain an inner core of reserve all their lives, most turn out to be fairly extroverted adults. It’s not parental prodding and pressure to perform socially that brings a timid child out of her shell, but a generous supply of loving nurturing and support. Drawing attention to a child’s shyness (“Oh, she’s so shy!”) will only reinforce it; presenting it as a shortcoming will only undermine her self-confidence, which in turn will make her more unsure of herself in social situations. On the other hand, boosting her self-esteem will help her feel more at ease with herself. In turn she will feel more at ease with others, which will eventually help diminish her shyness.
For now, encourage your daughter in social situations. (Sit down with her on the floor so she’ll feel more comfortable playing at a peer’s birthday party; hold her securely when friends approach to say hello to her.) But don’t push. Allow your daughter to respond to people on her own terms and at her own pace—while letting her know that you’re always there for her if she needs a leg to cling to or a shoulder to hide her head in.
“We’ve been involved in a play group for the last few weeks, and I’ve noticed that my child doesn’t play with the other children. How can I get her to be more sociable?”
You can’t, and you shouldn’t try. Though a child is a social being from birth, she isn’t capable of being truly sociable until at least the age of eighteen months—as you’ll see if you peek in at any group of babies and young toddlers “at play.” Though tots at a play group may interact (often just long enough to grab another child’s shovel or shove a peer away from a push toy that’s caught their eye), most of their play is done in the parallel mode—they’ll play side by side but not together. They may enjoy watching other children at play, but not necessarily join in with them. Naturally and normally egocentric, they’re not yet able to recognize that other children might make worthy playmates. In fact, they still see them largely as objects—moving, interesting objects, but objects nonetheless.
All of which is completely age appropriate. While one-year-olds who have had plenty of group play practice may progress faster in the sociability department, every child will eventually progress. Pushing your daughter to play with other children in her group will only cause her to withdraw from such situations altogether. For best results, provide your daughter with the opportunities to socialize, and then let her socialize at her own pace.
“My little boy belongs to a play group. He and the other children seem to spend most of their time fighting for the same toys. When will things get better?”
You and the other parents can look forward to playing play group referee for at least two more years. It’s not until the second half of the second year that a child even begins to understand the idea that an item he covets can belong to someone other than himself—a necessary concept to grasp before sharing can make sense, which it begins to sometime around age three. Until that bright day of social enlightenment dawns, “mine” will be the sole article of possession in his vocabulary. For now, your son’s own needs and desires will be the only ones that matter to him, and he will continue to treat his peers as objects without needs and desires of their own. Not surprisingly, he won’t be the only one. Because this self-absorbed behavior is completely age appropriate (babies and toddlers need to learn about and care about themselves before they can learn about and care about others), each child in his play group will continue to believe that his or her right to play with any or all toys is absolute.
Later on in the second and third years tactics of compromise—such as setting a timer so that three children can take turns playing with the same fire engine—will help encourage sharing and help keep the peace, but they are far too sophisticated for a young toddler to comprehend or comply with. A better approach would be to have multiples of the same toys or same types of toys available at play group sessions (which will cut down on the tugs-of-war). Failing that, distraction by an adult—diverting attention away from the disputed toy to another toy or activity—usually does the trick.
Teaching sharing by example every chance you get (when you offer your son a chance at your magazine, let him know that you’re “sharing my magazine”; when you give him a bite of your sandwich, tell him you’re “sharing my sandwich”) won’t turn your child into a model of generosity overnight, but it will slowly reinforce the values you hope to pass on. Pushing your child to share, on the other hand, will only injure his fledgling sense of self by implying that his needs are less significant than those of others. It may also turn him into a hoarder. A child who feels his possessions are always up for grabs will be less likely to share them freely, more likely to guard them jealously.
It’s also important to keep your perspective when your child refuses to let a guest so much as touch his trucks or teddy bears, won’t share a single one of his cookies with a child in the park, and howls when his younger cousin is given a ride in his stroller. How often do you, after all, let a friend—much less a stranger—drive your car, borrow a treasured necklace, or take your place in a favorite armchair?
“My son is in a play group with a few children who are slightly older than he is. Some of them hit when they don’t get their way, and my son has started doing it, too. How should I handle this?”
First, it would help to understand why your son hits. Hitting, like other forms of aggressive behavior, is common among one-year-olds for many reasons. For one, it’s a form of communication. Still lacking the vocabulary that will one day allow your child to say, “You make me so mad!” or “Give me back my truck!” hitting can express what words can’t yet. For another, it’s a way of releasing frustration. Frustration at being such a small fish in an increasingly bigger pond; frustration at being largely unable to control and manipulate his environment (and those in it); frustration in his still limited skills (that can’t seem to keep pace with what he’d like to accomplish). Add to these factors a toddler’s natural egocentricity (which causes a young child to treat his peers as objects, and which goes hand in hand, or fist in fist, with a lack of empathy), a fundamental lack of impulse control (he doesn’t think before he strikes), a shortage of social skills (these don’t come as standard equipment in a human; they must be learned and practiced over time), and a knack for imitation (it’s likely he picked up his slugging habit from fellow sluggers), and it’s not surprising your son’s play group has turned into a boxing match. The interesting reaction that hitting elicits (usually crying) encourages frequent rematches.
But just because the hitting is understandable doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. Long before a child is capable of understanding that he’s actually hurting someone when he hits, he’s capable of understanding that hitting is not allowed. When your child hits (or bites, or displays another form of undesirably aggressive behavior), respond immediately, firmly, and calmly. Anger is likely only to reinforce your son’s ire. Slapping or spanking will teach him only that violence is a good way to resolve a dispute (or to express anger). Overreacting to the incident will probably only encourage a repeat performance in a quest for more attention. Instead, say simply, “No hitting. Hitting hurts” and remove your child promptly from the scene of the scuffle. Without any further remonstrations, distract him with a toy or activity. Then, prepare to repeat the entire sequence many dozens of times before the message starts to seep in. (Keep in mind that even once your son does begin to understand that hitting is not acceptable, a lack of impulse control will occasionally compel him to throw a punch anyway.)
In the meantime, always make sure that play sessions with other children are carefully supervised. Even though a toddler’s right hook rarely packs enough power to do harm to a playmate, there’s always the chance that a child might use more than a fist to strike with. There’s much more risk of injury from a foot, a toy, a rock, or a stick.
Also, since normal toddler aggression can be aggravated by a lack of sleep and by hunger, make sure your son shows up for his play group rested and fed.
“Last month my daughter was waving bye-bye all the time, but now she seems to have forgotten how. I thought she was supposed to move forward developmentally, not backward.”
She is moving forward developmentally, on to other skills. It’s very common for a baby to practice perfecting a skill almost continuously for a while—to her delight and everyone else’s—and then, once she’s mastered it, to put it aside while she takes on a new challenge. Though your baby has tired of her old trick of waving bye-bye, she’s more than likely excited by those she’s rehearsing now, perhaps barking every time she sees a four-legged animal and playing peekaboo and patty-cake. All of which she will eventually temporarily retire once they, too, lose their allure. Instead of worrying about what your baby seems to have forgotten, tune in to and encourage her in whatever new skills she’s busy developing.
You need to be concerned only if your baby suddenly seems unable to do many things she did formerly, and if she isn’t learning anything new. If that’s the case, check with the doctor.
“All of a sudden, my son seems to have no interest in his meals—he only picks at his food and can’t wait to get out of the high chair. Could he be sick?”
More likely Mother Nature has placed him on a maintenance diet. Because if he continued eating the way he did early on in life, and continued gaining at the same rate, he would soon resemble a small blimp instead of a small toddler. Most babies triple their birth-weight in the first year; in the second year they add only about a third of their weight. So a decline in appetite now is your baby’s body’s way of ensuring this normal decline in the weight gain rate.
There are also other factors that may affect your baby’s eating habits now. One is increased interest in the world around him. During most of his first year of life, mealtimes—whether spent in your arms or in a high chair—were highlights of his existence. Now they represent an unwelcome interruption in “a day in the life of a fledging toddler,” who’d rather be on the go than sitting still for a bowl of cereal (so many things to do, so many places to see, so much mischief to make—so little time in a day!).
Growing independence can also influence a child’s reaction to the food placed in front of him. The baby in the throes of becoming a toddler may decide that he, not you, should be the arbiter of the dinner table. In the next months, wide taste swings may rule—cheese on everything one week, rejection of anything vaguely cheesy the next. And it’s better to accept baby’s dictatorial menu planning (as long as he has only nutritious choices to point to) than to fight it. Eventually, eating eccentricities will diminish (though they will almost certainly get worse before they get better). Control of the spoon may also be an issue for your increasingly independent descendent; if you haven’t yet handed over the job of feeding to your son, now would be a good time. Let him self-feed (as well as he can) with a spoon of his own and a variety of finger foods.
Maybe your baby’s on a feeding strike because he dislikes being exiled to the high chair. If so, try seating him at the family table in a safely secured clip-on dining chair. Or maybe he can’t sit still as long as the rest of the family. In that case, don’t put him in the seat until his food is served, and release him as soon as he starts to get restless (but keep an eye on him while you finish your meal); or serve him before you eat.
Some babies lose their appetites temporarily during teething bouts, particularly when they’re cutting their first molars—and that’s nothing to worry about. If your baby’s loss of appetite is accompanied by irritability, finger chewing, and other symptoms of teething, you can be pretty sure that it will pass once the discomfort eases. Don’t worry, either, if baby’s loss of appetite is accompanied by signs of mild illness, such as a cold or fever. That’s typical, and once the illness has passed, it’s likely his appetite will return to normal. But do check with the doctor if baby’s weight gain stops altogether, if he looks very thin, if he seems weak, apathetic, and irritable, or if he has particularly dry, brittle hair and dry skin with little tone.
Though there’s nothing you can do (or should do) about an appetite that’s slacking off as a result of your baby’s normal growth slowdown, there are ways to make sure he eats what he needs in order to grow (see the next question).
“I’m afraid my baby’s not getting enough protein or vitamins because she won’t eat meat or vegetables.”
Parents of picky eaters (in other words, most parents of older babies and toddlers), relax. First of all, the nutritional requirements for a one-year-old are surprisingly small, meaning they’re easily filled. Second of all, those requirements don’t just come in the most obvious packages (protein in meat and fish, vitamin A in broccoli). They also come in some unexpected and unexpectedly toddler-friendly ones:
Protein. Your baby can get adequate protein while still turning up her nose at meat and poultry—and even at fish. Cottage cheese, hard cheeses, milk, yogurt, eggs, whole-grain cereals and breads, wheat germ, beans and peas, and pastas (especially high-protein brands) all provide protein. In fact, a full day’s protein requirement for a one-year-old can be met with 
cups of milk and 2 slices of whole-wheat bread; or 2 cups of milk and 1 ounce of Swiss cheese; or 1 cup of milk, 1 cup of yogurt, 1 small bowl of oatmeal, and 1 slice of whole wheat bread; or 1 cup of milk, ¼ cup of cottage cheese, 1 bowl of Cheerios or other oat-circle cereal, and 2 slices of whole wheat bread.
If your baby doesn’t like protein foods straight, try a little sleight of hand. Make fruit smoothies with yogurt or milk; pancakes with milk, eggs, and wheat germ; French toast with whole-grain bread, eggs, and milk (the longer the bread soaks in the egg/milk mixture, the more it will absorb); add cheese to scrambled eggs; top high-protein pasta with meat sauce and grated cheese. Also see recipes beginning on page 748.
Vegetable vitamins. You can serve up all of the vitamins in vegetables in a variety of tempting disguises: pumpkin muffins, carrot cake, tomato or cheese-and-finely-minced-broccoli or cauliflower sauce on pasta, veggie pancakes, vegetables tossed with cheese sauce or in a noodle casserole. Sometimes cooked vegetables served with a dip (a cold yogurt one, or a warm cheese one, for example)—because they’re fun to eat—are more acceptable to a fussy one-year-old. (This is especially true when a child’s hungry, so consider serving cooked veggies and dip as an appetizer.) Or skip the vegetables entirely for now (though you should continue to offer them when you’re eating them). Many fruity favorites, including cantaloupe, mangoes, yellow peaches, and apricots, provide the vitamins found in less-loved green-leaf and yellow vegetables. Sweet potato, though technically a vegetable, tastes like a fruit when it’s baked until soft and cubed.
When it comes to peanut butter, most children—and their parents—are big fans. Kids love it for its taste (what’s a PB&J without the PB?). Parents love it because it’s an inexpensive and versatile source of protein, fiber, vitamin E, and minerals that even the finickiest child will eat without a fight (plus it stays fresh for hours, making it an easy on-the-go sandwich or snack).
But food allergies in general and peanut allergy in particular are on the rise among children, forcing this lunch-box favorite to take some heat. If there’s no history of food allergy in your family, your pediatrician will probably give you the go-ahead on smooth peanut butter once baby has reached the first birthday (to minimize the choking risk, always spread very thinly, never allow out-of-the-jar eating by the finger or the spoonful, and wait until age four before bringing on the chunky variety). If there is a family history of allergies (peanut or other foods), peanut products should be withheld until you get the green light from the doctor—probably not until age two, possibly not until age three, four, or even later.
The same goes for ground or finely chopped nuts. They’re generally okayed after the first birthday if there is no family history of allergy—much later if there is. Whole nuts pose a choking risk and should not be brought to the table until your child is four or five.
Also keep the following points in mind when feeding the picky eater:
Let baby’s appetite be your guide. Let him eat heartily when he’s hungry, and let him pick when he’s not. Never force. But do sharpen his appetite for meals by limiting snacking just before them.
Don’t dampen tiny appetites. Large amounts of juice (more than 4 to 6 ounces a day) can fill a baby up, leaving no room for nutritious solids. Ditto for too much formula or milk, which can easily spoil a tender appetite. So be strict about juice limits, and don’t offer more formula or milk than a baby this age needs (see box on page 476). Switching from bottle to cup will make enforcing such limits a lot easier.
Have baby make dinner. Or at least let him help. The more involved a child is in the process that brings a meal to his high chair, the more likely he is to actually consume it. So if he’s interested, have him help pick out the green beans in the supermarket and plunk them into the plastic bag. Scrub a carrot with a soft brush. Or tear the lettuce into the bowl. A sense of ownership in the meal (“I made it!”) may induce him to sample foods he might otherwise have rejected. Later on, try planting a small vegetable garden together (if you have the room and the motivation) and bringing the harvest to the dinner table. Cultivating a green thumb may just break down his resistance to all things green.
Don’t give up. Just because your baby won’t eat his meat (or chicken or fish) and spinach (or broccoli or carrots) today doesn’t mean he won’t eat them tomorrow. Make them available to him at the family table—but don’t ever force him to eat them—in various forms regularly. One day he may surprise you by helping himself.
Don’t be concerned with whether he’s getting a balanced meal—or even a balanced day every day. Look instead to his food intake over the week to gauge whether he’s getting as much of the Daily Dozen as possible (see page 317).
“I thought a one-year-old’s supposed to experience a drop in appetite. My daughter’s has seemed to increase substantially. She’s not fat, but I can’t help worrying that she will be if she keeps eating at this rate.”
Chances are she’s eating more because she’s drinking less. Babies who are either just, or just about, weaned from the breast or bottle to the cup are likely to be getting less of their total caloric intake from milk and other liquids, and they may compensate by stepping up their intake of solids. Though it may seem that your daughter is taking in more calories, she probably is taking in the same number or less, only in a different form. Alternatively, it could be that she’s eating more because she’s going through a growth spurt or because she’s become more active—possibly because she’s walking a lot—and her body needs the extra calories.
Healthy babies, when allowed to eat as dictated by their appetites—hearty or not—without parental interference, continue to grow at a normal rate. If your daughter’s weight and height curves aren’t suddenly parting company, there’s no need to worry that she’s overeating. Pay more attention to the quality, rather than the quantity, of her intake; make sure that her robust appetite isn’t squandered on nutritionally frivolous foods and that her diet isn’t overloaded with high-fat fare (which could lead to obesity). Take note, too, of her motivation for eating. If she seems to be eating out of boredom, for instance, instead of hunger, you can help by making sure she has plenty to keep her busy outside the kitchen between meals. You can also avoid setting up bad eating habits—don’t always give her a snack for the stroller or car seat, for instance, or when she’s crying in the supermarket. Or if you suspect she’s eating out of a need for emotional gratification, make sure she gets enough attention and tender loving care. When she falls and hurts herself, give her a hug instead of a cookie.
“I know my son is perfectly capable of feeding himself—he’s done it several times. But now he absolutely refuses to hold his bottle, pick up a cup, or try a spoon.”
The inner struggle between wanting to remain a baby and wanting to grow up has only just begun for your child. Finally capable of taking care of one of his needs, he’s not sure he wants to if it means giving up the secure and cushy role of baby. As with all aspects of separation, it’s one clouded with ambivalence.
Don’t force your baby to grow up too soon. When he wants to feed himself, let him. But when he wants to be fed, feed him. Eventually the big boy will triumph over the baby, if you let the two of them battle it out in the natural course of things—although the inner conflict (and that ambivalence) will likely recur in every stage of his development into adulthood and at every separation. In the meantime, present him with every opportunity to be self-sufficient. Make the bottle, the cup, and the spoon available to him without insisting he use them. Offer him finger foods often, at meals as well as snack times. Few children at this age are really competent with a spoon, and most will make their first ventures into self-feeding with the five-pronged utensils that are conveniently attached to their wrists. Also make sure that you don’t unconsciously discourage these efforts by insisting on some semblance of neatness (that won’t be on the table for many months to come).
When he does feed himself, reinforce his decision by sticking around to give him plenty of encouragement, praise, and especially, reassuring attention. He needs to know that giving up being fed by mommy or daddy doesn’t have to mean giving up mommy or daddy.
“My little girl can’t seem to make up her mind what she wants. One minute she’s chasing me around the house, hanging on my legs while I’m trying to get work done. The next, she’s trying to get away from me when I sit down to hug her.”
Feeling conflicted is part of being a normal one-year-old. Like the baby who refuses to self-feed, your daughter is split between a craving for independence and a fear of paying too high a price for that independence. When you’re busy with something other than her, especially when you’re moving about faster than she can follow, she worries that she’s losing her hold on you and the love, sustenance, comfort, and safety that you represent, and she responds by clinging. On the other hand, when you make yourself more available, she’s able to play hard to get and to test out her independence in the security of your presence.
As she becomes more comfortable with her independence and more secure in the fact that you’ll be her mommy and daddy no matter how grownup she becomes, she’ll be less clingy. But this inner battle will manifest itself repeatedly for years to come, probably even when she’s a mom herself.
In the meantime, you can help her to strike out on her own by making her feel more secure. If you are in the kitchen peeling carrots and she’s across the divider in the family room, chat with her, stop periodically and visit with her, or invite her to help you, stationing her high chair next to you at the sink, for example, and giving her some zucchini and a soft vegetable scrub brush. Support and applaud your baby’s steps toward independence, but be patient, understanding, and welcoming when she stumbles and rushes back to the solace of your arms.
Also be realistic in terms of the amount of time you can humanly supply in response to her demand. There will be moments when you’ll have to let her hang on your legs crying while you get dinner on the table and moments when you will be able to provide only intermittent bursts of attention while you take care of the bills. As much as it’s important for her to know that you’ll always love her and will meet her needs, it’s important for her to know that other people—you included—have needs, too.
“Our little girl says very few words, but she seems to have developed a system of sign language. Could her hearing be bad?”
It probably isn’t that your child’s hearing is bad, but that her resourcefulness is good. As long as your child seems to understand what you say and tries to imitate sounds, even unsuccessfully, her hearing is almost certainly normal. Her use of signs or other, more primitive, ways of expressing needs and thoughts (such as grunting) is merely an inventive way of coping with a temporary handicap: a limited comprehensible vocabulary. Some children simply have more difficulty forming words at this age than others; for many the difficulty continues, usually well into their preschool years and sometimes into kindergarten and first grade. They may be saying “wove” for “love” or “toof” for “tooth” when most of their agemates are speaking very clearly.
To compensate for the inability to communicate verbally, many of these children develop their own forms of language. Some, like your child, are good at talking with their hands. They point to what they want and push away what they don’t. A wave is bye-bye, a finger pointed up is up, a finger pointed down is down. They may bark to indicate a dog, point to their nose to “say” elephant or to their ears for rabbit. Some hum songs to communicate: “Rock-a-bye Baby” when they are sleepy, “Rain Rain Go Away” when it’s pouring out, the theme to their favorite show when they want to watch TV. (See page 389 for more on signing with your baby.)
Since this takes a lot of creativity and a strong desire to communicate—both good qualities to cultivate—you should do your best to decipher your child’s special language and to show her you do understand. But don’t forget that the ultimate goal is real speech. When she hums a lullaby, say, “Do you want to go to sleep?” When she points to the milk, respond, “You’d like a glass of milk? Okay.” If she points to her ears when she sees a rabbit in her storybook, reply, “You’re right! That’s a rabbit. A rabbit has long ears.”
If, however, she doesn’t seem to hear you calling from behind her or from another room, or to understand simple commands, then you should ask the doctor about testing her hearing.
“We’re trying very hard not to raise our children in a sexist way. But we find that no matter how we try, we can’t induce our son to be nurturing with dolls—he prefers to throw them against a wall.”
You’re making the same discovery that many well-meaning parents, determined to avoid molding their offspring into homemade sexual stereotypes, make. Sexual equality is an ideal whose time has come, but sexual sameness is an idea whose time can never come—at least as long as Mother Nature continues to have some say in the matter. Boys and girls, it appears, are as much molded in the womb as in the playroom and backyard.
The differences between the sexes, scientists believe, begin in the uterus when sex hormones such as testosterone and estradiol begin to be produced. Male fetuses receive more of the former and females more of the latter. This apparently makes for somewhat different brain development and different strengths and approaches to life.
Though much more work needs to be done before scientists can spell out all the differences precisely, it’s clear some differences exist from birth on. Even before they’ve come home from the hospital, girls may focus longer on faces, particularly talking faces. Girls react more to touch, pain, and noise; boys react more to visual stimuli. Girls are more sensitive but are more easily soothed and comforted; boys tend to cry more and be more irritable. These and all differences, of course, apply for boys and girls as groups and not necessarily as individuals. Some girls may have more “masculine” traits than some boys, and some boys more “feminine” traits than some girls.
It’s also apparent early on that boys have more muscle mass, larger lungs and hearts, and a lower sensitivity to pain, while girls have more body fat, a different shape to their pelvises, and a different way of processing oxygen in their muscles, giving them less stamina than boys later in life. Girl babies, however, are definitely not the weaker sex—they tend from the start to be healthier and hardier than boys.
From early on, it seems, girls generally show more interest in people, boys in things, which may be why more girls like dolls and dress-up play, while more boys prefer trucks and fire engines. But does the fact that a girl dotes on dolls while a boy plays with trucks mean that their destinies are preordained? Partly, yes—girls will grow up to be women and boys will grow up to be men. But much in their attitudes will depend on their parents’ attitudes; much in their behavior will depend on the example their parents set. It is possible to raise children who are not “sexist” in their points of view, who have respect for both males and females, who will choose their future life roles not on the basis of stereotypes (of any kind) but on the basis of their own personal strengths and desires—and who, no matter what their gender, will be nurturing in their relationships. Following these tips will help you meet those goals:
Remember that the fact that there are innate differences between males and females in no way means that one sex is in any way better or worse, stronger or weaker. Differences are enriching, sameness is limiting. Pass this attitude on to your children.
Treat your children as individuals. While as a group men have more muscles and are more aggressive than women, there are some women who have more muscle and are more aggressive than some men. If you have a daughter who has more “male” traits or a son with more “female” ones, don’t berate or belittle them—and don’t try to force a change, either. Encourage them to use their strengths, not suppress them. Accept, love, support, and encourage your child just as he or she is.
Modify extremes. Accepting your child as he or she is doesn’t mean never helping him overcome behaviors that could hold him back in life. If a child is overly aggressive, you should teach him to tone the aggression down. If, on the other hand, he is overly passive, you can encourage assertiveness.
Select toys not because you’re trying to either make or break a stereotype, but because you truly believe your child will enjoy them and benefit from them. If a child uses a toy differently from the way you expect (boys and girls will use the same toys in different ways, and even within each sex the use will vary), accept that. Remember, a boy never has to rock a doll to sleep to become a nurturing father; the example of a nurturing father (or another nurturing man in his life) will have far more impact.
Don’t fall unconsciously into sexist traps. Don’t tell your sobbing toddler not to cry because he’s a big boy and then cuddle his sister when she’s tearful. Don’t limit your compliments to a daughter to “How pretty you look,” and to a son to “You climb so well,” or “What a big boy you are.” Say these things, by all means, when appropriate. But also compliment a boy on his being sweet to his sister and a girl for throwing a ball well. Do this because a child’s personality is made up of many facets, all of which need nurturing.
Think you’ve seen negativity? Believe you’ve glimpsed willfulness? That’s just a preview of the toddler years—when these toddler-centric behaviors and more will enchant and exasperate, delight and dumbfound, fascinate and frustrate, test both your resourcefulness and your patience as a parent. From food fetishes to ritualism, toddlers have a unique way of approaching life that keeps their parents guessing—and looking for advice on the best way to handle their quirky and fiercely independent offspring. Since so many toddler behaviors begin appearing late in the first year, you’ll be able to glean some tips for tackling toddlerhood in this chapter. But for much more help on many more topics, read What to Expect the Toddler Years.
Try to avoid making value judgments about different types of skills or roles in life. If, for example, you give your children the impression that child care is a job that commands low respect, neither boys nor girls will come to value it as adults. If you give them the idea that going to an office to work is somehow more worthwhile than working as a full-time parent or working in a nonoffice environment, they won’t value the latter choices, either.
Divide family chores according to abilities, interests, and time, rather than according to a preconceived stereotype or in order to break such a stereotype. That means the best cook should do most of the cooking (the other partner can do the dishes and clean up), and the best bookkeeper should take care of the finances. Jobs no one wants to do can be rotated, apportioned by agreement, or relegated on the spur of the moment (“Honey, can you take out the garbage, please?”), but this latter system can fail miserably unless it’s carefully monitored (as when nobody takes out the garbage).
Set an example. Decide which qualities in both males and females you and your spouse value most, and try to cultivate them in yourselves as well as in your children. Young children develop their gender identity partly through play with those of their own sex and partly through identification with the parent of the same sex. Again, dolls won’t teach a little boy as much about nurturing as a nurturing daddy (or other important man in his life) will. A bat and ball are less likely to encourage a little girl to develop her physical aptitude than a mother who jogs every day.
“We’re expecting a second baby in six months. When and how should we switch our son from his crib to a bed?”
Whether or not your child is ready for a bed depends more on his age, size, development, and spirit of adventure than on whether or not there’s a new sibling on the way. The generally accepted rule: if a child is 35 inches tall or can climb out of a crib on his own (or has tried and almost succeeded), he’s ready for a bed. Some particularly agile children can climb out of a crib before they reach the 35-inch cutoff; others, less daring, may never even try. (Even a child who’s taller than 35 inches but is perfectly content in his crib—and isn’t trying to escape it—doesn’t have to move out until he’s ready.)
Since your older child will still be very young when your new baby is born, it’s unlikely that he will be ready for the big move into a “big boy” bed. Even if he is, he may feel displaced if you switch him out just as the new baby arrives. A better idea might be to move him now to a crib that can convert to a junior bed when he’s ready.
“I haven’t given my baby a pillow or a blanket in her crib because of the risk of SIDS. But now that she’s eleven months old, I’m wondering if it’s safe to let her sleep with them.”
For you, a bed might not be a bed without a pillow (or two or three) to rest your head on, and a fluffy comforter to cuddle beneath. But for a baby who has slept flat and uncovered on the mattress since birth, pillows and blankets aren’t an issue—what she doesn’t know can’t bother her or keep her up at night. And that’s just as well. While the time of greatest risk for suffocation and SIDS has passed, most experts advise not handing out a pillow until your baby moves to a bed, or somewhere between eighteen and twenty-four months. By then, even the slight remaining risk is gone. Another piece of advice you might consider sleeping on: Some experts say sleeping flat is better for everyone—baby and adult.
As for the blanket, the same advice holds true—later is better than sooner. Though some parents start tucking in their babies with a blanket closer to twelve months, most experts advise holding off until at least midway through the second year. The risk of using a blanket, especially with an active baby, is less of suffocation and more that she might get tangled up in the blanket when she stands up in the crib, leading to falls, bruises, and frustration. Many parents opt instead for the one-piece footed pajamas on top of lightweight cotton ones to keep their babies warm on cold nights.
When you do decide to throw in the pillow and blanket, don’t let your preference for fluffy bed accessories guide your selection. Choose a “toddler” pillow that’s smaller and very flat and a blanket that is lightweight.
“I feel very guilty because I have begun turning on a cartoon for my child when I start to prepare dinner. She seems to love it, but I’m concerned she’ll become addicted to TV.”
You’re not the only one who’s concerned—most experts are, too. According to Nielsen Media Research, children two to twelve years of age watch an average of twenty-five hours of television a week. If your daughter’s viewing falls into that average range, she will have spent 15,000 hours glued to the set by the time she graduates from high school—about 4,000 more hours than she will have spent in school. If her viewing isn’t carefully screened, she will, research suggests, have witnessed 18,000 murders, countless robberies, rapes, bombings, and beatings, and more casual sex than you could imagine. She will also have been the innocent target of 350,000 commercials trying to sell her (and through her, you) products of sometimes dubious value.
Excessive TV viewing by children has other drawbacks. It’s linked to obesity, poor school performance, and an increased risk of developing attention problems later on. Because it can reduce interaction among family members (particularly if it’s turned on during mealtimes or if children have TVs in their rooms), it can also promote a communication gap. Perhaps worst of all, it can create a picture of the world that is distorted and inaccurate and confuse a child’s developing value system by establishing norms of behavior and belief that are not accepted in the real world.
Programming designed for children is, of course, much better for kids than programming designed for older viewers. Though there’s still plenty that’s unworthy of the young viewers it is meant to attract, programming for children is a lot better than it used to be, thanks to the efforts of watchdog agencies. Most programming geared to the youngest audiences is high quality, offering a good dose of education along with its entertainment value. Many shows (especially on PBS, but also on other networks) strive to teach not just numbers and letters but such positive values as sharing, cooperation, self-control, racial tolerance, environmental awareness, and kindness toward others. Some also have an interactive component, making television viewing somewhat less of a passive activity.
There has been little research done on the effect of television on babies and toddlers, largely since it’s so difficult to do (since children this age have very rudimentary vocabularies, it’s very hard to determine what, if anything, they’re gaining from television viewing). Still, based on what they do know, many experts—including those at the American Academy of Pediatrics—concur that even the best that television has to offer isn’t very good for one-year-olds. The AAP recommends that parents hold off on television viewing for children under two. Before then, babies and toddlers need and appear to benefit most from person-to-person interaction with a parent or other care provider—the kind of interaction that helps make those critical brain connections, the kind of interaction that nurtures a child’s social, emotional, and intellectual development. Though television may promote learning, it doesn’t allow young children to learn from experience and hands-on explorations, which is how they learn best.
Probably the greatest potential problem with plunking your baby down in front of the television is how easily it can become a habit. Not so much for your baby (who at this age can still be swiftly distracted by any number of other activities), but for you. Many harried parents use the TV as a baby-sitter, and though it’s completely understandable (TV can keep a young child engaged—and in one spot—while mom or dad fixes dinner, catches up on e-mail, or talks on the phone), and perhaps sometimes unavoidable, it’s not wise to do it on a regular basis. It’s just too easy for those “five minutes while I empty the dishwasher” to lapse into twenty, then a half hour, then an hour, and then … you get the picture. Besides, experts strongly advise that if a young child does watch television, she’s much better off watching it side by side with a parent—who can make the experience more educational and interactive by asking questions, pointing out images, discussing themes—something that’s not possible when the parent’s using TV to baby-sit.
Some families will decide that waiting until a child is two to introduce the television just isn’t realistic (especially when there are older siblings in the home). Whenever television does become a part of your child’s life, try to set strict limits from the start. A single noncommercial show of redeeming value is plenty to begin with. Avoid keeping the television on for your own entertainment during your child’s waking hours, especially during mealtimes, when family interaction can be lost to its mesmerizing effect. Though it won’t always be practical, watch alongside her whenever you can, reinforcing what she sees on the screen—much as you would reinforce what she sees on a page during story time.
Rather than relying on TV as your toddler’s only audiovisual entertainment, turn also to audiotapes and CDs; they require visual imagination (something television doesn’t), stimulating creativity and, when they’re musical, providing opportunities for self-expression through song and dance.
And if you need another reason to avoid or limit television watching now, here’s one: It will never again be easier to do. The first two years are about the only time you’ll be able to avoid struggles over television with your child. Once your toddler reaches preschool—and the influences of peers in more television-lenient households—the age of media innocence will be over for good.
“I’ve seen CD-ROMs in the stores geared specifically for babies. Should I start my son on computer games already?”
In a culture where preschoolers who can’t yet read are likely to be at least as computer literate as their parents, it was only a matter of time before software use trickled down to the diaper set. Yet “lap-ware,” so called because it’s designed for children so young that they still need to sit on an adult’s lap to see the screen and reach the keyboard, is quickly gaining popularity among parents eager to provide their progeny with the techno head start they never had.
Lapware programs, geared mostly to the nine- to twenty-four-month age group, include such baby-and-toddler-friendly and educational activities as sorting objects, listening to animal sounds, dressing characters, putting together simple puzzles, playing hide-and-seek, and listening to stories. Some software actually allows parents to integrate family photographs and voices into the program, much to the delight of the young participants. Baby keyboards, with large, brightly colored buttons, invite banging away; a ball-and-spinner, easier to manipulate than a mouse, takes into account the limited fine-motor skills of users.
It’s educational, it’s fun, and many young children love it, clamoring for a turn at the computer every chance they get. But lapware is the subject of debate among child development experts. It’s a debate that’s just heating up, and a debate that’s not liable to end anytime soon, largely because there’s just too little evidence one way or the other about the effects of computer use on infants and toddlers. Much more research needs to be done. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics is currently on the case, studying the developmental consequences of lapware on the very young.
In the meantime, you’ll need to consider the potential benefits and downsides to lapware before deciding whether it’s time to “wire” your baby. On the plus side, he’ll become familiar with computers at an early age, which could give him valuable skills to build on, and possibly a technological edge later on (though learning these skills a little later on, in the preschool and kindergarten years, will probably give him just as much of an edge). Lapware can provide him with a fine-motor workout and, through graphics and games, plenty of the stimulation he craves. It may also promote learning (though probably less than reading to him, playing noncomputer games with him, or sharing a variety of experiences outside of the home with him might). Computer play for babies also taps into their natural desire to mimic others in the household, just as serving dinner from a play kitchen or jabbering into a play telephone would. Finally, because it requires the participation of an adult—or at least, his or her lap—lapware, unlike television (which parents can simply park babies and toddlers in front of) encourages parents and young children to spend “quality time” together, learning and having fun (though, again, such “quality time” can be afforded through numerous technology-free activities).
The downside to feeding your child a diet of computer chips this early in life? For one thing, unlike other kinds of play, computer play (even when it’s educational) doesn’t challenge baby’s brain-power all that much. When he’s putting together a puzzle on the living room floor, he has to visualize how the piece will fit, then turn the piece in his hand to reflect that image, and then manipulate it into the board. When he’s putting together a puzzle on the computer, he can do it by randomly hitting keys on the keyboard, which cause the on-screen action to occur. Creativity isn’t nurtured, either, through lapware. While the scope of your child’s vision on a computer screen is limited to what the software provides, his imagination is limitless when he role-plays with a family of teddy bears or a kid-sized garage full of cars. What’s more, too much time at the computer can limit the opportunity children have to learn critical real-life skills that can’t come from cyber experiences, such as self-control and getting along with others. Occasional interface with a machine is fine, but what young children really need is interface with people. Though more interactive than television typically is, computer play is still much more passive than other types of play. This makes it particularly inappropriate for an active one-year-old who wants to be (and should be) on the go most of his waking hours, exploring the world up close and personally. Though lapware does guarantee time spent together, some experts suggest that a computer can actually come between a parent and child. According to these experts, one-on-one activities that are free of technological interference—such as reading to your child, dancing or rolling a ball with your child, playing dolly tea party with your child—put a lot more quality in “quality time” than computer use does. Besides, they wonder—what’s the rush?
Until there’s a definite consensus on lapware for babies and toddlers, proceeding with caution may be the best way to proceed. If you do choose to use lapware, keep these guidelines in mind:
Remember the “lap” in lapware. Never strap your baby into a chair and plop him in front of a computer.
Don’t “byte” off more than baby can chew. Limit usage to ten to fifteen minutes at a time. Too much time spent on the computer can result in too little time spent working on social, emotional, physical, and intellectual development. It prevents baby from learning the old-fashioned way—by doing. Also beware of forcing a child who has tired of banging on the keyboard—and would prefer to be banging on a junior workbench—to sit still for more computer time than he has the patience or attention span for.
Use it for the right reasons. It’s entertaining, somewhat stimulating, borderline educational. But it won’t raise your baby’s IQ, give him a lasting edge in school, or turn him into a techno-whiz kid.
And certainly if you opt out of the baby-technology craze and reserve your lap time for sessions with Good Night Moon and rounds of “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” (not to mention good, old-fashioned cuddling), don’t worry that you’re depriving your child of the preparation he’ll need to succeed in a wired world. There’s plenty of time to hook him up.
“My daughter is on the go all day long—crawling, walking, climbing, always moving. I’m afraid she may turn out to be hyperactive.”
Observing the frenetic pace that the average toddler sets, it’s easy to see why so many parents of one-year-olds wonder the same thing you’re wondering. But not to worry. What seems an abnormally high activity level to someone who has never tried to keep up with a toddler before is much more likely to be a normal one. After many months of frustration, the mobility your child struggled so hard to attain is finally hers. It’s no wonder that she’s a perpetual motion machine—off and running (or toddling, or crawling, or climbing) every chance she gets. As far as she’s concerned, the day’s too short for all the expeditions she wants to take.
This is way too early to worry about true hyperactivity (officially labeled ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Such a diagnosis is contemplated only in the early school years when it’s clear that a child’s attention span has not grown appropriately with her. For now, your daughter’s fleeting attention span and propensity for perpetual motion are as appropriate for her age as are messy eating habits. When winding down your perpetual-motion machine becomes necessary at bedtime, a soothing, warm bath and some quiet activities, such as a massage (if she likes it) and a little quiet reading or singing, can do the trick.
“Ever since my son learned to shake his head and say no, he’s been responding negatively to everything—even to things I’m sure he wants.”
Congratulations—your baby is becoming a toddler. And with this transition comes the beginning of a behavior pattern you’re going to see a lot more of, with increasing intensity, in the next year or so: negativism.
As hard as it is to be on the receiving end of it, negativism is a normal and healthy part of a young child’s development. For the first time, he’s able to be his own person rather than your malleable baby, to exert some power, test his limits, and challenge parental authority. Most importantly, he’s able to express opinions of his very own clearly and distinctly. And the opinion, he’s discovered, that has the most impact is “No!”
Fortunately, at this stage of negativism, your child isn’t likely to mean “no” as fiercely as he expresses it. In fact, he’s often likely not to mean it at all—as when he says no to the banana he was just clamoring for, or shakes his head when you offer the ride on the swing that you know he really wants. Like pulling up or taking steps, learning how to say no and how to shake his head are skills—and he needs to practice them, even when they’re not appropriate. That babies invariably shake their heads no long before they nod their heads yes has less to do with negativism than with the fact that it’s a less complex, more easily executed movement that requires less coordination.
True negativism can sometimes be avoided with a little clever verbal manipulation on your part. If you don’t want to hear a no, don’t ask a question that can be answered with one. Instead of “Do you want an apple?” try “Would you like an apple or a banana?” offering one in each hand for your baby to point to it. Instead of “Do you want to go on the slide?” ask “Would you like to go on the slide or the swing?” Be aware, however, that some young children will answer even multiple-choice questions with a no.
Occasionally, an eleven- or twelve-month-old will even act out a primitive version of the “terrible twos” tantrum. These are usually laughable, though laughing at them (or at the vigorous use of no and of head shaking) will only prolong the behavior and encourage repetition. Though it won’t always work later on (an older toddler can keep a tantrum going full steam until he or his parent drop), ignoring a year-old baby’s tirade will usually result in his giving up the struggle and sheepishly picking himself up to go play with a toy. Distraction, a big hug, or a little humor can work well, too.
The nos will probably have it in your household for at least another year, and they’ll probably intensify before they taper off. The best way to weather this stormy period is to pay little mind to negative behavior; the more you fuss over baby’s nos, the more nos you’ll hear. Keeping negativism in perspective while keeping your sense of humor may not help check the nos, but it may aid your ability to cope with them.
First words. First steps. With these two feathers in the toddler’s cap, or nearly so, the learning game becomes more exciting than ever before. The world is growing by leaps and bounds; give your one-year-old a chance to explore and learn about it, while promoting his or her continued physical, social, intellectual, and emotional development, by offering the following:
Safe space to walk in—both indoors and out. The rookie walker usually objects to being strapped in a stroller or backpack, so use these only when necessary. Encourage baby to walk as often as possible, but keep an eagle eye out for dangers, especially near streets, roads, and driveways. For the baby who isn’t quite walking yet, put some enticing objects up out of reach, to provide incentive for pulling up and/or cruising. Push toys can also help steady a baby who’s uncertain about standing or walking.
Safe space for supervised climbing. Babies love to climb steps (when you’re not supervising, a gate is a must), clamber up a slide (stay right behind, just in case), maneuver onto a low chair or off the bed. Let them—but stand by and be ready to come to the rescue if need be.
Encouragement to be physically active. The inactive baby may need a little coaxing to become more active. You may need to get down and crawl yourself, playfully challenging your child to come crawling or walking after you (“Try and catch me!”) or move away from you (“I’m gonna get you!”). Put toys or other favorite objects out of reach and encourage some sort of locomotion to retrieve them. The fearful baby may need some moral—and physical—support. Encourage, but don’t push. Climb up and slide down the slide with a timid child until he or she is comfortable enough to go it alone. Stroll with the tentative walker, lending a hand (or two) for support. Go on a “big kid” swing together until your little kid is willing to risk the baby swing solo.
A varied environment. The baby who sees nothing but the inside of his or her own home, the family car, and the supermarket is going to be a very bored baby (not to mention how bored the care provider will be). There’s an exciting world outside the door, and your baby should see it daily. Even going out in the rain or snow (barring flooding or blizzard conditions) can be a learning experience. Give your baby a tour of area playgrounds, parks, art museums (toddlers are usually fascinated by paintings and statues), a children’s museum (if you’re lucky enough to have one nearby), toy stores, restaurants (pick those that welcome children), pet shops, and shopping malls or other busy business areas with lots of store windows to peer into and lots of people to see.
Pull-and-push toys. Toys that need to be pushed or pulled provide practice for those who’ve just begun to walk, and confidence (and physical support) for those just tottering on the brink. Riding toys babies can sit astride and propel with their feet may help some children walk, though others find walking independently easier.
Creative materials. Scribbling with crayons provides tremendous satisfaction for many year-old babies. Taping the paper to a table, the floor, or an easel will keep it from sliding all over, and confiscating the crayons as soon as they are used where they shouldn’t be or if baby decides to chew on one will help teach their proper use. Don’t allow pens and pencils, except under close supervision, since the sharp points can spell disaster if baby waves it near his or her eyes. Finger painting can be fun for some, while others are uncomfortable with the messy fingers that are an occupational hazard of the art. (Though hand washing demonstrates that the condition is only temporary, some children continue resisting the medium.) Musical toys can be fun, too, but look for those with fairly good quality sound. Baby can also learn to improvise musically, with a spoon on a pot bottom, for instance, if you demonstrate first.
All parents hope that their children will look to them for direction. Well, according to some interesting research, children do look to their parents (and other adults) for direction—and a lot earlier than previously believed. Scientists found that twelve-month-old babies were more likely to look in the direction of an object if an adult looked at it first. According to the researchers, this shows that babies this young understand the significance of eyes—and begin to look to them for social cues. (The question is, does the experiment work with sixteen-year-olds?)
Putting-and-taking toys. Babies love to put things in and take them out, although the latter skill develops before the former. You can buy putting-and-taking toys, or just use objects around the house such as empty boxes, wooden spoons, measuring cups, paper cups and plates, and napkins. Fill a basket with a variety of small items (but not small enough for baby to put in her mouth and choke on) for starters. Be ready to do most of the putting in until baby becomes much more proficient. Sand or, if you’re in the house, raw rice or water (you can limit its indoor use to the tub and baby’s high chair) allow for putting in and taking out in the form of pouring—and most toddlers love both materials, but they require constant supervision.
Shape-sorters. Usually long before babies can say circle, square, or triangle, they have learned to recognize these shapes and can put them in the proper openings in a shape-sorter toy. These toys also teach manual dexterity and, in some cases, colors. Be aware, however, that baby may need many demonstrations and much assistance before mastery of shape-sorters is achieved.
Your baby is getting smarter and more coordinated all the time—but it will be a long while before judgment catches up with intelligence and motor skills. Since baby is now capable of thinking up and acting on new ways of getting into trouble, it’s those smarts and skills that put him or her at even more risk than before.
So as baby enters the second year of life, be sure to continue your constant vigilance as well as all the safety precautions you have already put into effect. But also do a second safety inventory, taking into account the fact that your toddler is now, or will soon be, a proficient climber. This means that virtually nothing in your home that is not behind lock and key or safety latch is safe from tiny hands. In your survey, look not only to things that your one-year-old can reach from the floor, but also anything he or she could conceivably get to by climbing. Removing or safeguarding all items that might be hazardous to baby (or vice versa) would be wise. Consider, too, that toddlers can be quite resourceful in obtaining what they want—piling up books to reach a shelf, pulling over a chair to reach a window, standing on a toy to reach the kitchen counter. Also be sure that anything baby might climb on—chairs, tables, shelves—is sturdy enough to hold his or her weight. Continue setting limits (“No, you can’t climb on that!”), but don’t, just yet, depend on your still-very-young child to remember today’s prohibition tomorrow.
Dexterity toys. Toys that require turning, twisting, pushing, pressing, and pulling encourage children to use their hands in a variety of ways. Many parental demonstrations may be needed before babies are able to handle some of the more complicated maneuvers, but once mastered, these toys provide hours of concentrated play.
Bath toys for water play. These teach many concepts, and allow the joy of water play without a mess all over the floor or furniture. The tub is also a good place for blowing bubbles, but you’ll probably have to do the blowing yourself for a while yet.
Follow-the-leader play. Daddy starts clapping, then mommy. Baby is encouraged to follow suit. Then daddy flaps his arms, and mommy does, too. After a while, baby will follow the leader without prodding, and eventually will be able to take the lead.
Books, magazines, anything with pictures. You can’t have a live horse, elephant, and lion in your living room—but you can have all of them, and more, visit your home in a book or magazine. Look at and read books with your baby several times during the day. Each session will probably be short, maybe no more than a few minutes, because of your child’s limited attention span, but together they will build a firm foundation for later enjoyment of reading.
Materials for pretend play. Toy dishes, kitchen equipment, pretend food, play houses, trucks and cars, hats, grownups’ shoes, sofa cushions—almost anything can be magically transformed in an imaginative toddler’s world of make-believe. This kind of play develops social skills as well as small-motor coordination (putting on and taking off clothing, “scrambling” eggs or “cooking” soup), creativity, and imagination.
Patience. Though the skills babies on the brink of toddlerhood display have advanced by leaps and bounds over what they were at six months, their attention spans haven’t kept pace. Some toys may hold their attention for an extended period, but they’ll have only fleeting interest in most activities. The attention span may be shorter still when the activity requires sitting still, as for a story. Be understanding of these limitations, don’t push your one-year-old beyond them, and definitely don’t worry—as babies grow, so do their attention spans.
Applause (but not standing ovations).
Cheer your baby on as new skills are mastered. Achievement, while satisfying, often means more when accompanied by recognition. But be wary of cheering too much or too often, otherwise baby may become an applause junkie—dependent on the cheers and unable to challenge him- or herself unless they’re forthcoming. Self-satisfaction (being proud of his or her own accomplishment) is also important, and sometimes it should be all baby needs.
1. If you do decide to wean to a bottle, remember that it’s a good idea to wean from the bottle by the first birthday or shortly after, in order to avoid the problems of tooth decay from baby-bottle mouth (see page 460).