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MEMORIES CAN SOMETIMES BE THE BEST MEDICINE

NICHOLAS MCCARDLE

You never know when, where, or how an act of kindness will arrive at a moment when you most need it—but if you open yourself to that possibility, you may be surprised by how quickly it can make every difference in the world.

For Kensey Bergdorf, unprecedented loss struck her existence not long after she finished her freshman year at West Virginia University, where she was studying multidisciplinary studies as well as immunology and medical microbiology. At the age of nineteen, having never faced the loss of a loved one, Kensey’s father died suddenly, followed two days later by the death of her grandmother. In the immediate aftermath, Kensey recalls, “It was earth-shattering. You grow up instantly.”

Lost and unsure how to even begin to cope, welcomed wisdom showed up right away when a friend offered her advice after the funerals, saying: “You need to write down everything you can remember about them, because memories don’t last forever, and you’re going to want those. You’re going to want those little reminders, because ten years from now you may not remember these things.”

Kensey hurriedly started jotting down all the memories of her loved ones she could remember. From trips to the zoo with her dad to the distinct smell of woodsmoke at her grandmother’s house, she captured it all within the lined sheets of a notebook. Pages upon pages of her thoughts and memories were compiled. Every day she could visit her loved ones in stories she might have otherwise forgotten, almost like collecting treasures for a chest to be opened some time in the future. The process of writing was also cathartic and empowering. The point was to pour out all her thoughts and feelings. Things that she couldn’t talk about were easy to let flow onto paper. The notebook wasn’t going to judge her. On the contrary, it allowed her to “get out of my funk.”

Five months after the deaths of her father and grandmother, Kensey’s best friend suddenly lost her dad. Grateful for the kind advice that had been given to her, Kensey brought the family notebooks so that they could all start journaling their memories together. After additionally losing two friends, Kensey had an idea for a project that would elevate the power of journaling for grief and loss to a more structured level—and let her help more of her fellow students. When she approached the university’s Department of Leadership Studies for funding to get a project launched, however, nothing much happened.

Then, in an unplanned moment at a scholarship dinner, she found herself seated next to Dr. Lisa Di Bartolomeo, a world language professor at West Virginia University, and somehow the conversation led to Kensey’s interest in starting the Memory Journal Project.

“It was such a striking idea that I told her immediately, ‘I want to help,’” says Dr. Di Bartolomeo. “I saw how inspired she was by the thought of helping others work through their losses. It was wonderful to see someone take their own pain and reach out to help others work through theirs, and I was just floored by Kensey’s ability to channel that loss into action.”

Kensey was then able to work with individuals from the office of student life and the Carruth Center—the mental health clinic on campus—to start drafting a guideline for students to record their memories. The goal at hand was to create therapeutic prompts and activities to engage those who were using it, and Kensey accomplished just that. After getting the guideline polished up and the notebooks finished, they were made available to everyone on campus.

Dealing with grief is never easy; thank you, Nicholas, for highlighting a healthy way to cope with loss in Kensey’s memory books. There is a beautiful quote by one of my favorite writers, Rainer Maria Rilke, that says, “Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going, no feeling is final.” I’ve found peace in those words, and I hope you do, too. Remember, if you’re hurting, you’re not alone, so please consider creating your own memory book, joining a support group, or talking through your feelings. For more resources on how to do this, check out The Dougy Center or the National Alliance for Grieving Children.

Kim Mosby, senior associate dean of students, describes how Kensey galvanized attention, not just to the issues of loss and grief but to the potential of finding a positive outlet and a support group. Mosby says, “She was very focused and determined to bring this to our campus, and we all got behind her in this endeavor.”

Kensey explains that helping other people find an outlet for their grief “is everything to me. It was so horrible for me, and I don’t want anyone else to go through that.” She wanted to offer more than the generic grief pamphlets that are often handed out. She wanted her Memory Journal Guide Book to feel as encouraging as the advice first given to her when she was grappling with the overwhelming anger that she had to get off her chest. So she included prompts for writing and drawing, along with suggested activities for retrieving memories. Her hope was to give others the same permission she was given to turn her journaling into a “brain dump,” as she calls it.

Kensey’s Memory Journal Guide Book has already spread beyond her college and local communities as a therapeutic tool for anyone going through the grieving process. The healing properties of writing and focusing on memories of loved ones are well known in therapy settings, but what makes Kensey’s method unique is that it is written from the point of view of someone who has gone through the emotional roller coaster of loss and come out the other side. Kensey has even adapted a version of the guide for younger children to use when they lose someone they love and want to remember.

“I took a kind thing that someone did for me and amplified it,” Kensey points out. “I encourage people to take the things that they appreciate and then try to emulate those in their own lives.”

At some time in all of our lives, loss does become inevitable. When that time comes, hopefully you will gain guidance from the kind, loving advice once given to Kensey, which she has continued to pass on to others. Her example is a wonderful reminder of how kindness can heal, transform, and inspire. Kensey, who graduated from WVU with two degrees and is pursuing her PhD at Vanderbilt University in pharmacology, is quick to note that it’s never too late to start your own memory journal. For just a few bucks, you can pick up some notebooks and pen or pencil for yourself (or a friend) and begin journaling your memories today.

You’ll be creating a treasure chest that’s yours to keep forever.