21

Only with CONSENT

EM HOGGETT

Acquaintance rape was not a term that Californian Jasmin Enriquez had ever heard until one day in a women’s studies class at Pennsylvania State University, when a visiting lecturer presented startling statistics about its prevalence. The presenter discussed the fact that 90 percent of rape survivors personally knew their rapist before the assault occurred. Jasmin also learned that because many don’t know what to call what’s happened to them, acquaintance rape often goes unreported.

Sitting in class that day, a light bulb went off for her. In high school, Jasmin had been forced to have sex with someone she thought loved her. Afterward, she couldn’t understand what had happened. She knew that she felt disgusting, that something felt wrong “in her bones,” but she didn’t know why. She couldn’t speak to anyone about it, fearing she would be judged for going against her Catholic values by having sex before marriage—even though the act had been without her consent.

“I never imagined I would be raped. I thought that happened to people who were walking down the street, not something that could happen by someone who loved you,” she explained.

Attempting to put the trauma behind her, Jasmin eagerly went off to her dream college, where she soon developed a friendship with a young man she trusted—someone whom she believed cared for her. Much to her shock, one night at a fraternity house, for the second time in her life, she was raped—again, an act that she still didn’t have the knowledge to name.

Jasmin felt traumatized by both situations but didn’t have answers as to how they could have happened, let alone why. Finally, in that moment of realization in her women’s studies class, she was able to identify the rapes for what they were. Both times, she had fallen into the 90-percent category of people who experience acquaintance rape.

She knew right away that a broader conversation had to happen and resolved to play an active role in getting more people to talk about sexual assault—starting with her own campus. Though she hadn’t intended to start a club, she sort of stumbled onto the idea that a campus group of some sort could better collaborate with the college’s student government to get out the word about activities and awareness building. Fittingly, Jasmin named the club Only With Consent and quickly began to mobilize, organizing events around improving communication and educating all students about sexual assault and consent on campus.

After she graduated in 2014, under her guidance, Only With Consent became an official nonprofit with the goal of creating a far-reaching system that educates people on consent, from infancy to adulthood. Jasmin’s passion is contagious. She insists,

“I want to teach about consent in schools and reinforce it in the community. I want it to be a conversation. I want people to become passionate about asking their partner for consent.”

Her vision includes raising children with an understanding of their own bodily anatomy, teaching them age-appropriate consent language, and encouraging parents to educate their kids about consent. Consent education, she says, ought to continue from birth to college, into the workplace, and beyond.

You are never too young or too old to have safe boundaries.

She emphasizes, “It’s a problem most people don’t understand or talk about openly. I think it’s necessary that everyone get an education about consent, regardless of age, background, anything. The best-case scenario is that we educate every single person about consent.”

In all communities, and in most circles, Jasmin has found that the conversations about acquaintance rape and the right to say no are long overdue. The response has been positive. “Most people say they wish they had this message when they were younger.”

Currently, Only With Consent—run by Jasmin, together with her husband, Mike—works with universities, teaching workshops, giving presentations, and collaborating on awareness events. They also have footprints in communities concerned about keeping all citizens safe—whether in relationships, in homes, or on the street—and have taken part in major public events like Comic Con and San Diego Pride.

At every step of her journey to prevent and end sexual assault, Jasmin has encountered countless others who, like her, felt something wrong after a sexual experience to which they didn’t consent. As a youth reporter working with the Born This Way Foundation, I am no exception. The term acquaintance rape was one I’d never heard, either, and when I had an experience similar to Jasmin’s, I went for months without knowing what had actually happened to me.

When the opportunity came up to interview Jasmin for a profile in kindness and bravery, I leaped at it. As fellow survivors, both working to spread awareness of sexual assault, we have much in common and know there is more work to do.

Over the phone, Jasmin and I wondered, How many other people are out there who have been raped and do not even know it?

We talked about both women and men who feel a sense of self-loathing and confusion over their experience, with no understanding as to why they feel as they do.

We talked about a very public turning point for survivors that occurred at the 2016 Oscars, when Lady Gaga sang “Til It Happens to You”—the song she cowrote with Diane Warren for the 2015 documentary The Hunting Ground, which exposes widespread problems of sexual assault on college campuses. As a survivor of sexual abuse herself, Lady Gaga included fifty fellow survivors onstage with her at the Oscars, which went on to bring down the house.

Among those fifty fellow survivors was Jasmin Enriquez. Naturally, I was curious to know how she ended up on that stage for such a pivotal moment. She told me that after being interviewed in The Hunting Ground, the community involved in the film stayed in touch, supporting one another and working together to amplify the discussion. “So,” she elaborated, “when the Oscars were approaching, the team reached out to us to ask if we wanted to take part.”

She was honored and said yes without hesitation.

My questions for Jasmin continued.

CHANNEL KINDNESS: What was the main thing you took from the Oscars?

JASMIN: That there are so many people who have a story. It was one of the first times I felt not alone in what I was going through, in a public space, and I hoped that through that, other people realized that they’re not alone and that there’s a community out there that supports them, too.

CHANNEL KINDNESS: What other advice would you give survivors who are struggling to cope?

JASMIN: The most helpful thing for me personally is trying to remind myself to have self-compassion along the way.

She added that everyone has their own means of finding methods for self-healing.

For her, cooking is very therapeutic. Hobbies, outlets like exercise, and being in nature, as well as therapy or finding someone with a good ear are all constructive steps to take. She has also found that joining a local group that helps educate others about the issues of sexual abuse can be lifesaving.

CHANNEL KINDNESS: Any advice for survivors who want to heal through some sort of creative outlet or launching their own nonprofit?

JASMIN: Just start with whatever feels right for you. Take it one day at a time. Start where you feel moved, and it’ll grow as you express yourself. You might share it with friends or community. Just do what feels right. When I share my story, I feel like I’m connecting to others. I always remind myself that I’m doing Only With Consent to help myself and help others along the way.

CHANNEL KINDNESS: Do you suggest that survivors speak out about their experience as a way of healing?

JASMIN: Do whatever feels right for you. Some people can’t speak out for different reasons. Most important, I want them to know they’re not alone and it’s not their fault. I wouldn’t say there’s a right or wrong way to go about it.… We are in a community together, and we all want to see each other be okay and succeed.

To anyone who has experienced sexual assault, you are brave. Getting through every day can sometimes be difficult, and that in itself is an act of bravery.

We ended the interview by talking about how Jasmin relates to bravery and kindness. She wanted very much to send the message “to anyone who has experienced sexual assault, you are brave. Getting through every day can sometimes be difficult, and that in itself is an act of bravery.” As for kindness, Jasmin followed up by saying, “If you have experienced sexual assault, be kind to yourself, know it wasn’t your fault. I didn’t treat myself well for a long time—it took me a long time to take care of my body and understand I deserve to be healthy and deserve love; I deserve things I had convinced myself I didn’t.”

Jasmin’s journey as the head of a nonprofit may have come about by accident, as she says. However, it seems she was truly meant to do this work, to remind each of us that knowledge is power and that consent is ours and ours alone to give.

Em, thank you for shedding light on this important and not often enough discussed topic. I want to underscore what you said—you are never too young or too old to have safe boundaries. According to Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), approximately 11.2% of all undergraduate and graduate students experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation. I am heartbroken that Jasmin had to endure this trauma but grateful to her for starting Only with Consent to work toward ensuring that it doesn’t happen to another person. Thank you for including The Hunting Ground in your story; I was very proud of the brave women who shared their stories in that film. To learn more about the roles we can all play in stopping sexual assault, you can visit RAINN.