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THE GIFT OF BEING SEEN AND HEARD
THERESA STIER
Coffee. That’s my cup of kindness of choice.
There are times when nothing can get me out of bed and out the door faster than anticipating the warmth and comfort of my preferred hot beverage. It’s one of the many little things helping me survive college— especially 8:00 a.m. classes!
As I pull up a barstool at the Starbucks counter and wait for my order, it occurs to me that other simple forms of kindness can be offered even by someone who hasn’t had their coffee yet … like holding the door open. Believe it or not, that smallest of gestures can start someone’s day off better instead of worse.
In fact, earlier this particular morning, a groggy-looking stranger had paused to hold the door open for me. We had a quick exchange of “Thank you so much” and “You’re welcome…” and that was all it took to put a pre-coffee glow on my face. Then, as I ordered my usual, “Skim latte with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla, please,” my day was brightened enough for me to confess to the barista, “Or as I like to call it, the ‘Kate Beckett.’” (If you get the reference to the TV series Castle, where the love of java plays a recurring role, you get an extra gold star.)
So once I grab my latte, because I’m earlier than usual, instead of rushing off to class I decide to sit there at the counter and savor my coffee. The decision proves to be a lucky one, because I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the exchange about to unfold.
When I first notice the woman walking past me join the line to place her order, I can see that she is really anxious. Feeling like that’s none of my business, though, I turn my attention away from her and back to my notes from my Russian class. But I can’t avoid hearing the anxious tap-tapping of her heels against the tile floor. And when I overhear someone in line speaking to her, I can’t help listening in.
This fellow is just making small talk—something about how the weather is nicer than it normally is in February—and before long, as they chat, the tapping of her shoes stops. One of the things she has mentioned to him is that she is on her way to a job interview and is extremely nervous. She admits, “I’ve been battling my anxiety since I woke up this morning, but I can’t let all that self-doubt stop me.”
When it’s her turn to order, the man who has been talking to her for the last five minutes insists on paying for her tea. Before she can refuse his thoughtfulness, he adds, “Good luck with the interview!”
As I watch her place her order, then take the tea and make her way to the exit, I’m amazed to see that she is no longer the same anxious woman who’d walked past me a mere fifteen minutes earlier. Instead, I see someone confident and eager to embrace the day ahead.
That man who bought her tea was probably just getting himself a coffee before work, but he somehow showed up at just the right time to be there for this woman—at a moment when she didn’t even know she needed his honest-to-goodness kindness. The free drink was nice, but what was truly kind was how he distracted her from her nervous thoughts, letting her know “You’re going to do great!”
What if we all took his example? What if we ask someone we see pacing whether they are okay? What if, when we see an elderly person drop something, we pick it up for her? What if we help someone carry their grocery bags to their car because their three-year-old is throwing a temper tantrum? If, instead of just being onlookers, we all offer simple, small gestures in everyday, anxiety-provoking situations, we can make a difference.
So if you ever see someone who seems to be a little nervous, be the guy at Starbucks and start a conversation. Anxiety is real, and it’s not just all in your head. But also, don’t be offended if the person you’d like to help turns you down. Remember that coping with anxiety—or any variety of its sometimes-debilitating symptoms—can be tricky. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), anxiety is the most common mental illness in the US, affecting 40 million adults (ages eighteen and older), or 18 percent of the population. The ADAA also states that out of those 40 million people, only a third will seek treatment.
Sometimes we feel powerless to help others. However, as I’m sitting, packing up my books, and sipping the last of my coffee, I’m struck by how powerful it can be to simply listen to someone else’s concerns and, most of all, to let them know they’ve been heard and seen.
This is the conclusion I take with me out in the mild winter morning—that you never know how much you might be able to help someone else just by taking the time to really see them and, perhaps, by offering a few well-timed, kind words.
Me too, Theresa, me too. Coffee is kindness in my life. I love the story you shared that accompanied your early morning coffee, and I love the lesson you’re sharing with us. We can and should try to take notice of the needs and feelings of the people around us, whether it’s a smile at the anxious woman in the coffee line or holding a door open for the frazzled parent pushing the stroller. These small actions can mean a lot, and your story shows that they do. We encourage you to pay the kindness forward and perform three acts of kindness in your community. If you need help getting started, check out Youth Service America for ideas.
