after party: I do not know what this is. Must be in PJs and ’zontal by Jon Stewart or eyelids are at half-mast and “beeyotch” takes on new meaning.
food baby: When you eat such a huge meal you look pregnant—but instead of the tenant being a fetus, it’s eggplant Parm.
Frederica Bimmel: The size-14 murder victim whose skin Buffalo Bill fashions into a suit in The Silence of the Lambs. As in: OMG, I can’t believe we ate those cheese fries at that hour; I’m Frederica Bimmel.
godfathering: Having heavy days of your period, i.e., blood everywhere. As in: We can have sex tonight, but I’m totally godfathering so the bedsheet will make the Law & Order sound when we finish.
jam-jim: Ladino word my mother uses to mean “the sound in a mosque,” i.e., silence. For example: We went to this new restaurant that was supposed to be happenin’ but when we went in, it was totally jam-jim.
kielbasa fingers: When you chow too much MSG and your rings are cutting off circulation. For instance: OMG, we totally feasted at China Fun and this morning I have total kielbasa fingers. Synonym: “soy-raped.”
maror: Bitter herb in Passover Seder but used colloquially, as in, That girl is always complaining; why is she so fucking maror?
matando moshcas: Ladino expression: killing flies, like when someone has nothing to do. E.g.: Poor department stores in this economic crisis! I walked into Bendel’s and the salespeople were matando moshcas!
quahog: Giant North Atlantic clam, i.e., megabitch. That girl always looks like she just sucked a lemon; I hear she’s a total quahog.
Sistine baby: A little nugget so cute s/he looks chiseled off an Italian frescoed ceiling.
Spitzering: Bangin’ hos. Oh, sorry, “courtesans.” Like, They seem like a really cute couple but I hear he’s totally Spitzering.
tramp stamp: Tattoo just above your ass crack.
wait up, guys: A certain type of social climber whose identity is wrapped up in running with those s/he deems “popular.” As in: Wait up, guys, what’re you doing? Oh, after party at the Boom Boom Room? Wait up!
WORDS I WANT TO BRING BACK INTO HEAVY ROTATION
crummy: I never knew it was spelled with two m’s and not like “crumby,” like something that instantly disintegrated into crumbs. But no, it’s “crummy.” And I love it. See “lousy.”
golly: I use “OMG” a lot but now that it’s been co-opted by Miley and the gang, I want to revert to the Pollyanna version. Especially after I e-mailed my mom “OMFG” and she was unpleased.
lousy: My dad always says it when food tastes like shit and I think it’s really ol’ school and funny.
rascal: Mischief without evil. Bad kids today seem like they’re lighting shit on fire.
robber: I feel like kids today don’t fear “robbers” the way my brother and I did, seventies-style, like the Hamburglar with the Zorro mask and shit.
Words I Want to Never Hear Again
cobbler: See above.
custard: Dunno why, just sounds mucusy. I’m big on texture.
guesstimate: My friend Lisa’s personal cheese-grater-to-the-ear, and as with things that irk close friends, it’s contagious. Fuck “guesstimate.” You can totally see the person who came up with it feeling so clever, like whoever invented “Hotlanta.” Which isn’t even clever ’cause it doesn’t rhyme! I would like to rename it “Fatlanta.”
“I have a salmon special for $19.95”: Double whammy. I hate when waiters say “I have” (you don’t “have” anything, you’re just fucking bringing it out). Also not into when they give the price. Unless it’s some serious gouging, like white truffles or lobster flown in from a private Richard Branson–y island off the coast of Maine and you’re paying for the airfare. With little lobster seat belts.
nother: As in That’s a whole nother thing. “Nother” is not a word, people!