Chapter 8
Dealing with Your Negative Self-Talk
In This Chapter
Recognizing the pitfalls of self-talk
Identifying and rectifying your negative thought patterns
Eliminating your “shoulds”
Using your mind for positive rather than negative thinking
Your self-talk consists of the thoughts you have in your mind, both those that are fleeting and those you contemplate. Do you realize that you think about 50,000 to 60,000 thoughts every single day? All day, every day, the thoughts you have are directly related to how you live your life. Your thoughts come from many places — people and events from your past, what’s going on right now in your life, and visions and concerns about what’s in your future. What you tell yourself determines how you value (or devalue) yourself and how successful you are (or aren’t). This internal voice inside your head influences how you perceive and feel about every situation you face.
In this chapter, you discover the negative patterns that trap you into self-talk that doesn’t serve you and how to get out of those traps. Only by deliberately creating new language that describes a more positive result and using it whenever you find yourself in such a trap will you change your thinking habits.
It takes awareness, the willingness to challenge your negative self-talk, practice, and repetition. After you’ve mastered these and completely transformed the way you talk to yourself, you’ll be thrilled with the result.
Your thoughts direct your behavior, your behaviors form your habits, and your habits create your life!
Understanding How Self-Talk Can Become Harmful
Some of your self-talk is reasonable. If you need to go to the grocery store after work and you think about what you want to buy, that’s fine. If your company gives you an award for a great idea you came up with and you mentally pat yourself on the back, that makes perfect sense.
A small amount of negative self-talk is normal. For example, you forget to call your friend on her birthday, and you think to yourself, “Darn! I wish I hadn’t forgotten Joan’s birthday yesterday! I’ll call her after I get home from work this afternoon.” Everyone makes minor mistakes, and recognizing those is normal.
But talking to yourself about yourself in a derogatory fashion often or constantly definitely isn’t helpful. When you have negative self-talk, you’re actually instructing yourself to behave in certain ways. For example, if you say to yourself, “This is too difficult for me to do,” there’s a good chance you won’t even try to do it. If you think, “I’ll always be poor,” you’ll feel defeated and fail to get more education or work harder to earn more money. What you think is what you become.
Negative self-talk is cruel. It’s judgmental and mean-spirited. It makes you feel small, inadequate, ashamed, unworthy, and hopeless. It’s constantly looking for proof that you’re not good enough. It leads directly to low self-esteem.
However, your negative self-talk can serve a purpose. Common ones include the following:
- Feeling powerless: “I’m so weak that I can’t do anything about it.”
- Putting yourself down before anyone else can: “No wonder I didn’t get that promotion. I’m not nearly as good as everyone else in this department.”
- Being able to justify yourself: “I can’t control myself, so I’ll eat all I want.”
- Getting attention: “I’m going to cry on your shoulder because my life is so miserable.”
Some people imagine this negative voice as their inner critic. It’s sitting on their shoulder whispering damaging thoughts into their ear, just waiting to destroy their self-esteem another time.
And what are some of the consequences of thinking poorly about yourself?
- Frustration
- Anger
- Feeling like a victim
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Difficult relationships
- Alcohol abuse and drug use
- Feeling hurt
- Stress
- Less of an ability to meet life’s challenges
- Difficulty focusing, relaxing, digesting, and sleeping
- Poor performance
Challenging the Many Ways You Talk to Yourself
One of the most important things to understand about negative self-talk is that these thoughts only reflect your feelings about yourself, not the actual truth. For most people, these feelings begin in childhood and continue into adulthood. But the fact that you have these feelings doesn’t mean that they’re an accurate picture of reality.
There are numerous ways your mind can deceive you into believing that you have little value. These are irrational errors that make you feel bad and act in self-defeating ways.
Using mind-reading to create an unhappy story
The error: Your thoughts tell you what other people are thinking, and you believe others are always focused only on your faults. You actually project your own negative views of yourself as though they’re coming from other people. You’re sure you know what others are thinking, and of course, you always come out in a bad light.
Example: Jane wears a new dress to work, and as she is passing the desk of one of her coworkers, he glances at her but doesn’t smile. Immediately, Jane presumes this coworker thinks her dress looks awful and that’s the reason he didn’t smile at her. She goes to the restroom and looks in the mirror, chastising herself for even buying this dress in the first place. She thinks, “You were crazy to get this dress! It looks awful on you! Ben is right. It was a waste of money.”
How to refute the error: Realize that you don’t actually know other people’s thoughts unless you ask them to tell you. People may look at you or act a certain way for a variety of reasons. Most likely, none of these reasons have anything to do with you. Although people do sometimes make judgments about others, this error either gets it totally wrong or exaggerates what people are thinking.
Don’t assume that you’re in the wrong. Don’t take personally what others say or do. Realize that every person is in his own world and that you’re not the center of that person’s world. You can ask people whether they’re upset about something concerning you, but don’t imagine that you are the reason.
The new way of thinking: Jane thinks, “Ben just looked at me without smiling. I have no idea why, but I wish him the best. Now, what project do I start with today?”
Predicting a negative outcome is inevitable
The error: This error is related to the one in the preceding section. In mind-reading, you interpret other people’s actions to make you look bad when there are no facts to support it. This happens in the moment or about something that happened in the past. When you make the error of predicting a negative outcome, you assume that things will turn out badly, much worse than you have reason to. You can even foresee a catastrophe ahead, and this thought causes you great anxiety and apprehension.
Example: Craig has made two mistakes at his job in the past six months. They were small mistakes, and he was able to correct them fairly easily once they were pointed out to him by his supervisor. He has a performance evaluation coming up tomorrow, and all he can think is, “I’m sure I’ll get fired! My supervisor had to tell me about those terrible mistakes, so I’m going to get the worst performance evaluation of my career, and then he’ll give me my pink slip. I know it!” Craig can’t sleep that night and gets into work late. He is anxious and perspires all through the day until he is finally called into his supervisor’s office for the performance evaluation. He’s so nervous that it’s difficult for him to speak clearly in his meeting.
How to refute the error: To challenge this type of negative self-talk, realize that your worst-case scenario is often overstated and melodramatic, even outlandish and implausible. It’s important to have an accurate perspective on what could happen. Once you’ve identified this, reinforce the belief in your own ability to handle whatever comes your way. Also, reverse your thoughts to think about what you’ve done right in the past.
The new way of thinking: Craig thinks, “My supervisor did find those two mistakes. But you know what? They were small, and I’ve done a terrific job on these major projects we’ve worked on lately. If he brings it up in the performance evaluation, I’ll explain why I made those mistakes and emphasize all the good work I’ve done. And even if I do get a pink slip, I know I have the skills and experience to find another job in a short period of time. If that does happen, I’ll talk to Steve and Al. They’ll know of job openings, I’m sure.”
Overgeneralizing about things that happen to you
The error: Overgeneralizing involves seeing the world in black and white with no shades of gray. You take one isolated fact or event and believe it will always happen. When this inner critic whispers in your ear, you hear words like “always,” “everyone,” “never,” and “forever.” The thoughts in your mind are only about extremes.
Example: Arthur got a D– on his first exam in his calculus class in high school. He didn’t study very much for this exam and didn’t seek out any of his classmates to study with. He read the material once and thought he knew it. He thinks, “What a terrible student I am! I’m sure to flunk this course. I might as well just quit the class because I’ll never understand the material.”
How to refute the error: Consider only the facts. If you do something wrong, admit it and then move on. Don’t believe that you’re a failure because of one event. Learn from the mistake and make a plan on how to deal with it so you don’t make that mistake again.
The new way of thinking: Arthur thinks, “I got a D– on this exam. Well, I better start studying a lot more than I have been. Mary said this was an easy class for her. I wonder if she’d like to be my study buddy on this. I’ll ask her after class. No matter what, I’ve got to hit the books a lot more than I have! This is a wake-up call.”
Labeling yourself in a derogatory fashion
The error: Labeling is a form of overgeneralizing. This inner critic defines you by using words like “loser,” “failure,” “stupid,” “wimp,” “ugly,” “not good enough,” and “useless” as soon as something doesn’t go well in your life.
Example: Valerie was part of a dance troupe. She and her fellow dancers practiced for several months to put on a number of performances of The Nutcracker. In the first performance, Valerie didn’t get her cue right, and she was late coming onstage in one of the scenes. The other dancers had to make adjustments, but after a minute, they were back to the correct dance routine. The thoughts going on in Valerie’s head after the performance were, “I sure am a rotten dancer! I can’t believe I came in late! I’m just not good enough for this dance troupe. I should drop out now before I cause any more problems.” She went to the director after the show and offered her resignation.
How to refute the error: Consider the actual facts, both what went wrong and how you also did things right. Out of the many, many times you did something, only once did it go wrong because you made a mistake. Realize that the great majority of the time, things went quite well.
The new way of thinking: Valerie changes her thinking, “I sure made a mistake coming out late. But the rest of the time, I danced great! I’m going to pay more attention to when Shirley comes on stage because that’s when I know I follow.”
Blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault
The error: With this thinking error, you blame yourself for everything, even if you’re not at fault or have no control over it. You think it’s your responsibility to make sure other people are happy, all your relationships flourish, and everyone has fun at social gatherings. When things don’t go the way you expect, you believe it’s because of a mistake you made along the way.
Example: Jeanine’s boss makes some small changes to a report Jeanine prepared. She apologizes for being so inept for missing these in the first place, and she thinks to herself that she’s absolutely incompetent.
How to refute the error: Although taking responsibility for your life is important, these thoughts take blame to an extreme. Realize that you’re not omnipotent. You can’t know everything and you’re not all-powerful. And your influence goes only so far. When something happens that’s different from what you’d like to see, identify ways that you tried your best and give yourself praise for what you did accomplish. You have normal, human inadequacies, just like everyone else.
The new way of thinking: Jeanine acknowledges the changes her boss made to the report and appreciates that these improved it. She makes a note to include these topics in future reports and moves on to do other work.
Focusing on the negative and discounting the positive
The error: You have a filter in your mind that allows in only those thoughts that reinforce your low self-esteem and disregards anything that may raise your sense of self-worth. Any negative detail is magnified as you think exclusively about that, and at the same time, no positive detail is even considered.
Example: Britney has been dating Kevin for a few weeks. She thought the relationship was going fine, but one day, he said he wanted to date other women and just be friends. Britney went into a tailspin. All she thought about was, “I just got dumped. I must not be marriage material. I might as well get used to being alone for the rest of my life.” Britney never thought about the other words that Kevin said when he broke up with her. He told her she was a wonderful person and that he enjoyed being with her during the time they had dated. But he thought they weren’t very compatible because they didn’t have many of the same interests, so he needed to find someone he was more compatible with. Britney stopped going to parties, and she wouldn’t accept invitations from friends who wanted to set her up with a blind date.
How to refute the error: Make a determined effort to emphasize the positive instead of the negative. Put your thoughts on what you’re doing right or what went right instead of what went wrong. Congratulate yourself for the positive things in the situation.
The new way of thinking: Britney’s heart is broken, and she cries for a few days after Kevin breaks up with her. But then she dries her tears and thinks, “This was a good lesson about finding a man I have more in common with. Kevin did tell me he enjoyed dating me and that he thought I was a wonderful person. And I am! I really am! I’m kind, helpful, and loving. I think I’ll call Janet about going to Sue’s party on Saturday. I’m ready to meet someone new.”
You can uncover how much you use negative self-talk in various ways. One is to take some time, think back, and consider your thoughts that fit into the different types of thinking errors listed in the preceding sections. You can also take note of what you’re thinking at random times during the day. Another way to notice your self-talk is to identify what you’re thinking when you experience uncomfortable emotions such as anxiety, stress, and depression. If you do this after the emotion has passed, identify what you were thinking before and during the emotional experience. In addition, detect your self-talk when you’re about to encounter a difficult situation. After you’ve written down a number of negative statements you say to yourself, go to the next exercise.
In your notebook, make four columns, one entitled “Negative Self-Talk,” one entitled “Error,” one entitled “Positive Self-Talk,” and the last entitled “Actions.” Under each column, write out the negative thoughts about yourself in your mind, which pattern of error it is, a new thought that reinforces your self-esteem, and what new actions you’ll take as a result of changing to more positive self-talk.
Overcoming the Problem of Using “Shoulds”
A special kind of thinking error is the destructive use of the word “should” and its siblings “must,” “ought to,” “have to,” “got to,” and “better.” It’s one of the most common errors because everyone learns from their parents and from society at large how to be. Manipulative rules slavishly require you to look, act, think, and feel certain ways. When you fail to measure up to these rules, you can feel frustration, anger, and even hatred toward yourself.
Not only that, but your “shoulds” can also express themselves in three other ways:
- You can think about how others believe you should be.
- You can think about how others should be.
- You can think about how the world should be.
All of these can lead to unhappiness and misery. You can feel hurt and confused because you and everyone and everything else aren’t living up to your expectations.
Take a look at some common “shoulds” people have that cause criticism:
- I should be successful.
- I better work hard.
- I should get up early every morning.
- I should be a loving parent at all times.
- I should be ready to help whenever others ask for my assistance.
- I should look attractive.
- I better get all A’s in school.
- I should be popular.
- I ought to be calm and in control at all times.
- I must finish everything I start.
- I have to be happy and serene, even during difficulties.
- I should put others’ needs before my own.
- I ought to be able to depend only on myself.
- I should be married.
- I must own my own home.
- I should be a lawyer because my father is and he expects me to be one.
- I ought to be happy all the time.
- I should never be tired or sick.
- I must be more organized.
- John should be a nicer friend.
- Mary shouldn’t talk so much in our conversations.
- Henry should go to church more often.
- My spouse should know what I’m thinking without me saying anything.
- The government shouldn’t (or should) be doing this.
- The weather should be nicer today.
Do you see how your inner critic can use these thoughts to demand impossible or unhealthy behaviors? When you hold onto these beliefs, your chances of feeling bad about yourself, others, and the world increase dramatically. And when you don’t live up to the standards in your mind, it feels like a severe scolding happening in your thoughts.
There are many problems with the “shoulds” in your mind. These rules are absolute and inflexible. They can’t be changed and must be followed at all costs. Because they’re ironclad and you’ve been told it’s always been like this, you have a duty and obligation to match what they say, and others do too. They lead to blaming yourself for not living up to these expectations as well as blaming others and the world at large when they don’t either.
Recognizing the “shoulds” that make sense
Some “shoulds” are rational and make sense. Mostly, these have to do with cause and effect. Here are some examples:
- I should call my friend if I want to stay updated on his new job.
- I must do some research to know whether I’m on the right track in this project.
- I should stop at every red light and drive forward only on a green light.
- I have to study hard if I want to get an A on the test.
- I should not cause anyone bodily harm.
- I ought to go to the doctor if I’m very sick.
- I should treat my spouse well to have a good relationship.
These beliefs are helpful and appropriate. They are based on common sense, so they’re fine to have in your mind and serve you well.
Carrying around learned behaviors
Many damaging “shoulds” are messages you learned from your parents. Some are little things. They may have told you to brush your teeth every night, sit up straight, and take a shower every morning.
But the types of “shoulds” you learned that are most detrimental to your self-esteem are those that go deeper — what kind of job you should have, what kind of person you should marry, what represents success, how you should spend your free time, who your friends should be, and what your religious and political beliefs should be. These are value-laden and deny the reality of how you feel as well as who and what you are.
Now as an adult, you’re so used to following others’ “shoulds” that you’ve not allowed yourself to be who and what you truly are. You have feelings of confusion. One part of you says that you want to do something, and the other part says you should do something different, as shown in Figure 8-1.
John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Figure 8-1: Following others’ “shoulds” pulls you in different directions.
Consider a few examples that may apply to you:
- You’re afraid. You think you should be strong, but you’re still scared.
- You’re angry. You think you should be empathetic, but you’re still upset.
- You’re crying because a friend died. Your inner critic tells you that you should be over your grieving, but you can’t stop crying.
- You love to draw. Your inner critic stresses that you can’t make enough money doing that, so you become a business major. But your real love is still drawing.
- You have strong feelings toward someone of another race, but your family’s and community’s messages are that it’s wrong to feel that way. But you still have this attraction.
Freeing yourself from your “shoulds”
You can use a number of methods to change this dangerous inner critic of “shoulds”:
- Accept yourself. Whenever a “should” message doesn’t reflect who you truly are, what you love to do, and what your values are and instead requires you to be different, your authentic self and your freedom are in danger of disappearing. Be open and honest in looking within and finding that authentic self. Be very conscious of who you are and who you aren’t, and what you choose to do and what you choose not to do. When faced with a “should” belief, ask yourself these questions:
- Who am I really? Does this “should” belief reflect that? Does it make sense, given who I am?
- What are my natural gifts and talents that I want to develop? Does this “should” belief enhance these?
- What do I truly believe? Is this “should” belief in tune with that?
- What are my physical, emotional, and intellectual needs, and do these “should” beliefs serve them?
- Where did this “should” belief come from? Is it valid?
- What will the consequences be if I release this “should” belief?
- How would I feel if I released this “should” belief?
- Acknowledge and accept things as they are. Realize that things won’t always work out the way you wish they would. You can’t change others, so allow them to be themselves too. Don’t expect things to be different just because you believe they should be. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t be upset,” think, “I am upset about this.” Instead of thinking, “I have to take over the company from Pop,” think, “I don’t enjoy doing the work of managing Pop’s company. I’d much rather be a teacher.”
- Change your language to express a preference, a suggestion, a choice, or an aim. Use words such as “could,” “aim to,” would prefer,” “choose to,” and “would like to.” Instead of thinking, “I ought to be more confident,” think, “I aim to become more confident.” Instead of thinking, “I must always look sharp,” think, “I would like to look sharp.” When you think this way, you’ll work on being confident and looking sharp, but if you don’t achieve great success with them, you won’t beat yourself up and can be more relaxed and easygoing about the situation.
- Set limits on people who impose their “shoulds” on you. Instead of feeling victimized or upset by other people who believe you should feel or behave a certain way, be assertive with them and explain how you see things and why. In Chapter 6, we explain in detail how to do this. Setting these boundaries will help keep others’ “should” requirements silenced.
- Be flexible. Allow for exceptions to the ironclad rule, depending on the circumstances and situation.
Don’t waste your life living by someone else’s rules. Don’t spend your time and energy on things you don’t really care about, while you ignore those things you’re most passionate about. Listen to your own inner voice and don’t allow others’ voices to overrule your own. Be brave enough to understand and live your authentic self, according to what you truly feel and believe. When you do this, you’ll be free to become the person you’ve dreamed of becoming.
Try this exercise to inventory and change the “shoulds” in your life: In your notebook, complete “I should … ” in each of these areas of your life:
- Your appearance
- Your relationships
- Your home and yard
- Your work
- Your feelings
- Money and finances
- Social activities
- Political activities
- Religious and spiritual activities
- Your free time
Identify where each “should” belief came from and whether it’s serving you well. If not, write a sentence for each one that either reverses it or reframes it to something that works well for you.
For an entire day, write down each time you think you should be or feel a certain way. Do the same for any of “should’s” siblings, such as “must,” “ought to,” “have to,” “got to,” and “better.” In addition, write down every time someone else tells you how to be or feel. Then complete the exercise like the preceding one, replacing each command that isn’t in your own best interest.
Harnessing Your Power to Change Your Thinking
People who are successful in life — in terms of work, relationships, health, and feeling fulfillment and happiness — predominantly think in terms of optimism, hopefulness, and cheerfulness. They aren’t just lucky. They’re successful because they have a set of attitudes that bring these positive consequences into their lives.
Studies have found that using your mind to think in a more positive manner has many important benefits:
- Your health is better. Being more optimistic reduces cardiovascular disease, even if you smoke cigarettes, are overweight, or are older. Also, your blood pressure is lower and your pain tolerance is higher.
- Stress is reduced. People who use positive thinking can cope better with problems that arise, so they have less anxiety and depression.
- Relationships are more enjoyable. Optimistic thinkers are more likely to have strong relationships. People are more drawn to others who are happy and cheerful than they are to others who are worried and apprehensive. Because they concentrate on the good qualities of their friends and mates, positive thinkers are more contented in their relationships. They also give more attention to having a fulfilling relationship and are therefore more effective at it.
- You have better coping skills during adversity. Thinking in a positive manner doesn’t mean that you ignore life’s tough situations. It means that you approach these challenging situations in a more constructive, upbeat, and productive manner.
Ask yourself this question: Are your thoughts and beliefs helping you or hurting you? If you’re not living the life you desire, it’s time to upgrade your internal voice.
Identifying all of your positive qualities
What would a list of all your strengths, positive attributes, skills, and abilities look like? Now that you’re changing your negative self-talk, make a catalog of everything good you can identify about yourself. They can be small things or big things. Consider everything about your life and create such an inventory.
Another way to create such a list is to identify the person who knows you best and describe yourself as that person would describe you.
Here are some questions to start the process:
- What do I like about myself?
- What are my positive characteristics?
- What attributes do I have in common with people I admire?
- What are my skills and talents? What do I love to do?
- What are some difficult situations I’ve overcome?
- What compliments do others give me?
- What are my major achievements?
- Who have I helped?
- What kind things have I done for others?
- What successes have I had at home and at work?
- How would my best friend describe me?
When you find yourself being filled with negative self-talk, take a break and bring out your list. Read it over and add to it. Think about all your excellent attributes.
Asking yourself whether your thoughts are reasonable
It’s important to test the legitimacy of your inner critic. If critical thoughts impose on you, examine them by asking yourself these questions:
- What evidence do I have to back up these thoughts? What facts contradict these thoughts?
- Am I using one of the thinking errors? If so, which one?
- Am I coming to negative conclusions needlessly?
- What is the worst outcome in this situation? How likely is it to happen? If it did happen, how could I handle it?
- What is the best outcome in this situation? How likely is it to happen?
- Are my thoughts based on the way I feel instead of facts?
- What would my best friend say about these thoughts?
- What would I tell my best friend if she had these thoughts?
- Are these thoughts helping me to be happy in the long run? Do they make me feel good? Do they help me reach my goals?
After you’ve tested whether your self-talk is well-founded and justifiable, you’ll be able to decide whether to make changes in your life to conform to your self-talk or release the thoughts and carry on with your life in a way that’s more satisfying to you.
Detaching from your negative self-talk
By observing the thoughts of your inner critic, you can distance yourself from them and become more detached. You can think of these thoughts as floating overhead like clouds drifting in the sky. Or you can see them as if they’re being said by someone else and not you.
Deliberately fill your thoughts with joy. Also, breathe deeply and allow negative thoughts to fall away. You don’t have to pay attention to them. Become immersed in an activity you enjoy or call a friend or relative on the phone. Put yourself outside of these thoughts.
Being compassionate with yourself
Being compassionate with yourself provides the care, tenderness, and kindness you deserve. Here are some suggestions for providing yourself that consideration:
- Recognize that you’re not unique. Everyone has times when they did something wrong or didn’t measure up to what they wanted. If you do make mistakes, accept them without judging yourself; instead, learn from them and aim to do better next time. When you realize that you’re just like everybody else in the world, you can calm down and be more at ease.
- Change your voice. Say to yourself, “It will be okay. I’m okay.” Instead of continually criticizing yourself, use a calm and gentle voice to replace those thoughts with more positive ones. You can say “Not helpful!” or “I did the best I could” as soon as you realize your inner critic is attacking you. Repeat these replacements many times so the new sentiments sink in. Even if this voice doesn’t originally sound genuine, keep doing this. Gradually, this new voice will become sincere.
- Give yourself a time limit. Tell yourself that you’ll have these negative thoughts for a short period of time, such as 1 minute or 5 minutes. After the time has passed, write in your notebook what you’re going to do differently next time. Don’t write about what happened or what went wrong; instead, write only about how you’ll improve and do better next time. If there won’t be a next time or you can’t do anything differently, write about your favorite television show, a joke you recently heard, or your greatest accomplishment.
- Be your own best friend. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you are close to if they felt like a failure. You can give yourself a hug and gently rock your body. This can soothe you and make you feel cared for.
- Think about something that makes you happy. Put your attention on your children or grandchildren, your favorite hobby, a fun movie you saw recently, or pretty scenery. If you continue to have negative self-talk, keep thinking about things that make you feel better for as long as it takes to release the inner critic.
- Surround yourself only with people who have an optimistic outlook. You’ll feel stronger and more energized because they will already have a deep-seated sense of healthy self-worth.
- Write two things you appreciate about yourself every day. At the end of each week, read your list out loud to yourself at least three times. Do this with passion and enthusiasm.